A new chapter

In the past year, there have been a lot of changes in my life. My ex-husband and friend, Sean, passed away at the age of 39. My boyfriend's grandfather passed away leaving his disabled son without a caregiver. My boyfriend and I decided we would take care of his uncle. Since that decision, we have been surviving a two state relationship in which he travels back and forth to Oklahoma. Sometimes with his uncle, sometimes alone when another family is able to care for his uncle. Long distance relationships can work but I have decided it would be easier to live closer to him and his uncle. For the past three months, I have been actively editing my resume and applying for a career in my chosen field. I was starting to get discouraged when I was unable to find the right fit for me. Don't get me wrong. I had interviews. I just did not have the experience that was needed and honestly, I did not feel I was the right person for the job. I am happy to say that all that hard work and waiting paid off though. I have accepted a job in Golden, Colorado. I can not wait to begin this new chapter in my life. Now begins apartment hunting, packing, providing my work with a resignation letter, informing my current land lord that I will be moving, and of course, saying good bye to the client's I have built a working relationship with over the past year. I am happy, sad, and stressed out all at the same time. It is a lot of stress. I thought I was handling it pretty well but what my mind is telling me and what my body are telling me are two different things. Today I have been dealing with tremors. I am not sure why. I looked up the side effects for my seizure medication. Tremors is a side effect. I guess I will not panic then. I am trying to remain calm. Stress is one of my triggers. I think I am doing very well considering. One month to move to another state......this is suddenly feeling more and more real. One day at time....I need to tell myself to take one day at a time.

Seizure free.....

It has been over a year since my last seizure. It is a great feeling to know that my seizures are controlled by medication. I have my freedom....I can drive. But..... Is it really freedom? I have been asking myself this question over the past few months. While I am very happy that I am able to drive and perform my duties as a child welfare worker, I live in fear every day. I know that one seizure, no matter how "big" or "small" (for lack of better words), would result in loss of my license in the state of Oklahoma. When I am sitting at my desk and I realized some time has gone by that I do not remember, I pray no one noticed. Having a seizure is scary but not knowing when the next seizure will hit you is even scarier. I truely believe it is important to live life to the fullest. However, it is sometimes hard to control the fear of the unknown. It is perfectly normal to be afraid of not knowing what tomorrow holds. But not knowing when a seizure will occur is a fear that can not be explained with words. I know of other people who have been diagnosed with epilepsy. Not everyone's experience with epilepsy is the same because there are many different types of seizures. I fear loss of my license, loss of my freedom, loss of my ability to perform the duties of my job, loss of my career, and, most of all, I fear death. I will not let this fear control me though. I will live on despite my fears. I am living with epilepsy. Yes.....I am living.

Adventures and Popcorn

Hello.  My name is Juje Bean and I am a popcornaholic.  Seriously.  I have a problem.  :)

Let me explain.  Today I drove two hours, in one direction, to buy popcorn.  Normal everyday popcorn is not good enough.  It has to be WHITE popcorn.  And it can not just come from anywhere.  It has to come from Nature's Grocer.  I know, I have a problem.  However, I feel that this addiction is mild compared to other addictions one could have. 

Besides, running out of popcorn gave me a great excuse to have a little adventure.  I stopped for popcorn and then walked around the riverwalk.  It was a beautiful day. 

I had a great walk.  Then a great meal.    

Then I drove back home.  I did this alone.  No one was with me.  It would have been nice to have a co-pilot on this adventure.  Don't get me wrong.  But for this adventure, I rode solo. 

You are probably thinking what is my point.  Well, I am getting to that. 

Life is an adventure.  I refuse to let this 'diagnosis' dictate how I live my life.  I believe every moment of life is a gift and one can never know what tomorrow may bring.  Even the littlest outing can be adventure.  Never forget that.  And it is possible to have adventure without a co-pilot.  Do not let your happiness rely on another person. 

It is time to truely LIVE.    I dare you to LIVE.

Contemplating

Today I took a walk around the "mall."  I say "mall" because it consists of very few stores.  Anyway, I digress. 

I walked around the mall and noticed pictures in the middle of the mall.  Curious, I stopped and looked at the pictures.  It was a waiting for adoption gallery.  Each picture had the child's name, age, and a little bit about them.  The pictures were beautiful and for a second, I thought maybe I could adopt a foster child.  Then reality set in.  I learned at work the other day that all potential adoptive parents, married or not, have to get a physical and be "healthy" enough to care for a child long term.  First off, I am healthy but I do have this little issue called seizures.  Secondly, I am not sure Oklahoma is the place for me.  A state that will not let me drive simply because I have seizures is not for me.

So needless to say, my bright idea was crushed in a matter of seconds due to reality.  I must say, sometimes reality just, for lack of a better word, sucks.  I truely believe things happen for a reason though.  This is the life I must live. 

I support adoption of foster children though.  I am including a link to the waiting child gallery in the states of Oklahoma and Colorado as well as the National link, in case anyone is interested in being a forever parent for a child in need. 

 Waiting Child Heart Gallery-Oklahoma
Colorado Heart Gallery
Heart Gallery of America

Stress and epilepsy

I have been asked why have seizures.  My question is always Do you mean what are the triggers or why do I have this diagnosis?  I was diagnosed with seizure disorder after I was in a car accident.  My head bounced around like a ping pong ball, I had a concussion, and now here I am today.  Let me very clear.  Everyone with epilepsy does not have the same types of seizures. There are many different types of seizures.  Each persons experience with seizures is different as well.  Sometimes, I get very tired after a seizure.   Other times, I have what seems like a burst of super sonic energy.  Everyone is unique and each persons experience with seizures or epilepsy is different.

In my life, I have learned stress is a factor.  I think many people wonder why I chose my current career which oozes with stressful situations on a daily basis.  I have learned to cope with my stress though.  Breathing, punching a punching bag, exercising, painting, and creating music are my ways of dealing with the stress in my life.  When I first started this journey, I let my stress consume me.  This resulted in more seizures.  Now, I have learned to cope just a little better.  I will not say I never let the stress get to me but I must say my ability to cope has improve drastically over the past few years. 

http://www.epilepsy.com/epilepsy/triggers/stress

Frustration

I did not get my answer Monday like I was hoping.  Right before the appointment, my neurologist's office called to reschedule.  I felt this great sense of disappointment then a great deal of fear. It was very emotional.  I felt like crying but instead my lip quivered and then I pulled myself back together. 

It is frustrating...waiting to know one's fate.  One one hand, I love my job and want to continue to grow in my current field.  On the other hand, I miss Colorado.  I miss my friends, my family, and those beautiful mountains.  I miss knowing I can decide I want to ski and just go.  No pre-planning required.....just put my equipment in the car and go. 

I do not know what is going to happen though.  And as frustrating as this whole process is, I can not let it interfere with living my life.  I can not let it determine my fate.  I see it this way.  If I lose my job due to my diagnosis then it just was not meant to be.  Maybe there is another plan for me.  I am anxious to know what exactly that plan is but until then I am going to make the best of each day.  THAT is something I have control over.

Waiting...

Tomorrow I have an appointment with my neurologist.  I hope it is good news.  I must admit I am scared.  These last four weeks have been difficult.  I have been told I can not drive while I am on duty which makes it very difficult to do my job.  So I wait.  Wait for the neurologist to tell me my fate.  I have not had a seizure since my last appointment.  I have minimal side effects from the new medications. I remain hopeful.  I remain positive.  However,  I remain scared. 

I am working in my current profession due to a stipend through college.  I received a stipend to assist with my education and in return, I have to work for one year.  However,  if I am unable to complete my duties, I could lose my job and be required to pay all of that money back.  I have a documented disability but how do I know that I could not still lose my job. 

So I wait......