Everything didn't go right today.
i couldn't get enough sleep.
i swear i didn't speak for more than 10 sentences when i went for breakfast.
and i am contradicting myself the whole day long.
until now.
i don't know why i am typing this.
when actually i am supposed to do my homework.
its like just beside my keyboard...
i wanted to dial yue an's hse number but ended up calling theresa.
i wanted to scold my sister but i just shut up.
i also wanted to keep the ironing board after ironing my uniform but i just kept ironing.
i want to watch my dvds but i ended up watching the repeat of my korean drama.
i don't know what the hell i am doing.
but i don't seem to be okay today.
i haven't even laughed out loud for the whole day.
(except for typing hahahs; haha; wahax; etc on msn.)
aren't i crazy?
i have this urge to sleep but i just cannot be bothered to lie down.
oh mann.
i am INSANE.
arGggggHHHHH!!!!!
ahhh...
nvm.
i have home econs TOMORROW.
and i am so darn excited.
in a sense.
excited to cook with my friends instead of at home with my mum nagging.
ok.
i seriously feel so darn freaked out.
my heart is crunching up.
and stomach has butterflies all over.
and i don't know whats up with me.
maybe its due to some kinda incident.
maybe its this, or that, or this, or that, or that, or that, or even THAT incident.
oh mann.
i can't even make up my mind.
but i just feel weird.
haii yo.
maybe i am just thinking too much.
i can't even open my mouth to answer my mum in complete sentences.
let alone talk online for very long.
it makes me tired to talk to ppl.
i feel that talking to my brain is better.
weird?
i think i am weird too!
i answer my own questions.
in other words.
i can solve my own problems just by asking myself.
it seems as if i have separated myself from the social world.
have a mind of my own.
thinking only for myself.
with no one else with me.
i breathe, eat , or just simply live : just for myself.
selfish me.
i think i am gonna be diagnosed with autism.
hmmmm.
i suppose i start doing what i realli want to do.
if not.
i think i will go simply outta my mind.
but i think.
going outta my mind isn't a bad thing.
after all , i am
TRAPPED in my mind.i think i needa breathe.
i seriously needa breathe.
i think i am lacking of a little fresh air.
and that should be the only reason why mind feels so bogged up.
i need to BREATHE.
hmmm.
whatever lahs!
lalalalalas~*
where are you today?
where have you been today?
how come i don't see you.
how come i don't hear you.
how come i don't sense you.
i feel so cold.
haiis.
what more can i do.
just sit by a side and lo0k at you.
but there is never a glimpse of hope you give me.
haiiis.
ai YA~~
i haiis so much.
lyk one insane woman.
haii yo.
chew today lyk not happy with how the band is performing.
can't be bothered lahs.
i only care about masree.
tts all!
hahahs.
i can't believe i feel so tired.
i am like so bochaup.
i cannot be bothered lerhs.
i have no energy to.
so i would just like ;; shrug it off?
hahahs.
but my shoulders don't feel any lighter.
its all the same.
so much to do.
and so little time.
i have to plan my day properly.
i waste almost one third of my day thinking of what to do of what i am gonna do for the other two thirds of my day.
hahas.
isn't that crap.
anyway.
i can't be bothered with whats up with me,
but i am so bothered by how ppl are defined as.
i can't help it.
but i spend most of my time in class looking at ppl and observing them.
i smile , raise my eyebrows, sigh or even cry when i observe my classmates.
i think of how i met them fo rthe first time.
then think of how their horoscope describes them.
and then conclude in my mind whether i can accept it or not.
lame huh.
but it sorts of occupies alot of my mind.
and i sort of cannot concentrate on anything i do.
including EATING.
YES.
E-A-T-I-N-G.
oh mann.
hahahs.
how i wish i could just snap out of it.
okay.
i suppose its time i slept.
hahahs.
good nite peeps.
SMILE. ='))
i smile when i see you.
its the same feeling like knowing someone is always there for you.
but when you are far away and i can't get a glimpse of you,
i feel empty.
just your smile would do.
you make me feel warm yet cold..
why do you seem to have so manii things to tell me.
your eyes. your expression.
why?
but why can't you say it.
just say it.
be it a scolding or a beating.
just get it out.
i want to hear it.
i am interested to hear it.
tell me. tell me would you?
i am thinking.
still thinking.
thinking alot.
how can you define him as feelings?
how can anyone do tt?
he don't seem to have any.
maybe he does.
but how come i cant figure it out?
nothing describes him any more.
i don't know what to say for myself either.
and i have concluded.
i must not have known my friends well enough last time.
and now.
when i find out they have such personalities ;
i am in utter desperation to accept these realities.
but what ever the case.
i will get used to it in the end.
it seems that all is well.
except that i have been thinking a little more than before.
and when i am thinking i cannot seem to figure out whats happening ard me.
so i suppose i needa pay more attention to reality.
i need to do manii more things.
and i WANT to do manii other things.
but i never seem to have enough time for EVERYTHING.
so i suppose my time management sucks.
hahahs.
there is this big hoo haa in our sec 2 level now.
a very infamous teacher has appeared.
Agnes Chua.
famous for all the wrong reasons.
hahahs.
what ever the case.
i can't be bothered.
but i realli enjoy the scenes and rumours about her being bullied sooo much
and in a few days... or a couple more days.
she'llbe home =D cant waiiiiiiiiiiiiiit.
<3
i dunno whats up with me.
i really don't-
and i really want to know whats wrong with myself.
i wonder.
i ponder.
but i still cant get it.
no matter how hard i try.
haiis.
i feel myself drifting away.
i am obsessed with my dreams and thinkings now.
i keep thinking.
i keep pondering.
but i never seem to stop.
to actualli stop and see whats going on in my life.
and my life is in a mess.
a big mess.
i confused.
i cannot clear it up.
even if i did.
its all messed up all over again.
i don't seem to have time for my frenns.
i cannot sense their feelings like last time.
i am just thinking.
i just keep thinking.
but my mind seems blank to me.
and now i don't even noe what i am up to.
i can't really yak as much as last time.
no matter how much i try.
i try to stay happy.
as much as i can.
i cannot.
i only can use reasons of my frenn's happiness.
and be happy for them.
after tt.
everything turns back.
i can smile.
because i know i am happy somehow.
but i cannot stop crying.
my heart hurts lots.
my mind twirling around.
mann.
i wanna stop all this.
i realli want to.
how i wish i could.
so now i drown myself in thoughts.
thoughts of a never ending blank screen.
='))
haiix.
s0rrie guyx.
if i evaa evaa-
raise my voice
OR
become irritating
OR
just become possessive-
i hope you forgive me.
i am being bugged by something.
its all over my mind.
and now.
i forget things faster than last time.
i blow my top more often nowdays.
and i get realli realli easily irritated now.
but i will try not to get those nerves up in my head lahs.
try to understand kaes?
i will try never to take it out on you guys.
thank you for accompanying me arhs.
s0rrie if i pang seh you horr.
i might forget tt i have a good friend waiting for me to look them up.
s0rrie- =')
i suppose this whole matter will blow over soon.
and soon i will be yaking away again.
buti am still bothered somehow.
so.
my head is completely filled with it.
and i can't take it out.
i am feeling weird.
jealousy ; anger ; sadness ; disappointment
it fills me all up.
and the only way to get rid of it.
is to allow myself to think.
and i dun have time to think.
so i guess its gonna take a very long time to get off me.
s0rrie guyx.
s0rrie.
p.s Thank you d0lito! i n0e verii stressful to stay by my side lahs.
Thank you for listening to me yar?
oh mann.
is sangdoo nn enhuan gonna end up like tt?
is this all that can happen?
why?
i love happy endings
but it never seems to happen in fairytales.
maybe its too perfect.
but i realli want my korean drama to end with a happy ending.
i want to be the first to watch the ending.
i want to be the first to see it.
hahas.
my beloved.
its too cool.
wahahax~.
ytd i read my past diaries.
i think i was like sorta idiotic.
heheh-
and you know what?
so manii things i did in the past
is so irritating.
i couldn't even believe i wrote tt.
and so i thought it would be better to inform my diary
of the new me.
the diary must have been bored with me complaining everyday.
hahahs.
tml i am gonna fly paper.
with theresa debbie and clarice.
the more the merrier eh?
hahas.
and after tt i can collect my pay and buy the vcds i have always wanted.
my beloved!!
hahahs.
ii wonder how my hands would end up.
heehee.
okay.
i better be off lerhs.
i am gonna eat!
maybe it was just a joke.
but i took it seriously.
and because of that mistake.
i am feeling jealous.
i hate feeling jealous.
and he is making me feel jealous.
and now i realise what is making me feel weird.
its HIM.
and now.
every memory is coming back to me.
no matter where i go ; stand ; sit.
i am reminded of him.
and when i see him with someone else.
i feel jealous.
i see him talking to someone else.
i feel jealous.
no matter what he does with someone else.
i feel jealous.
tts why i feel weird.
i am not able to find out why i am feeling weird,
is because i refuse to believe tt its him AGAIN thats making
my life miserable.
feeling jealous is a misery to me.
and misery is what i do not wish to receive now.
its my wishful part to think so much.
so much till i want to grab him.
i want to tell him so much.
but i don't know how to say it.
and he might now want to hear it.
and now.
i am left with my fantasy & loads of jealousy.
LOADS of it.
