Can't make you stay.
Can't make you sway.
But I can go away.

It is a pretty strange and miraculous feeling I'm experiencing right now. Writing in the midst of hundreds of commuters spending a quarter of a tenth of their time awake queuing for public transport. I've come to a realization that I am in fact part of this society that spends most of their leisure time waiting to be ferried to their next destination, only to realize that the time could be better spent doing something more worthwhile. But it's necessary isn't it.

The soft clicking sound as I type away on the iPhone keypad creates this entirely new atmosphere - despite the whole bus station being filled with crying kids and nasty parents who keep balloons away from their rightful owners. Typing non - stop on an electronic device (like an iPhone) immediately puts me in a position of envy. One which people yearn to be in in their current lonely and desperate dispositions
Elderly people would be hoping they had their men to walk (I meant walkman). Foreigners hoping they had their bloody iPads. And kids wishing they had their digital monsters to destroy the villains who snark their balloons.

In fact, all this writing just distracts me from the actual anxiety I'm feeling from taking a bus that is supposedly bringing me to some place near my new home which is exactly 5.8km away. It doesn't exactly make sense all of a sudden to be taking public transport alone now - considering that I'm almost half asleep and trying to type incredibly fast to keep myself from dozing off before I reach the eighteenth stop at which I am supposed to alight at.

Okay I have no idea what I'm trying to get at with all this gibberish.

Been resisting the only constant in the world to no avail. The unwillingness to express weakness in any form. The inability to tolerate weakness. It all sums up to fear.

The more you hide it, the more it shows.
The more you want it, the more you won't.
Bits and pieces of sorrow and woes.
Fear ignites the human soul.

Work your magic and drive me mad.
My thirst and rage won't make me sad.
Mark the moments of doubts and despair.
It'll always matter - all major affairs.

Control, Confidence, Risk, Meaning and Power.
The lack of honesty.
A matter of dispute.
Trust.

Finally back on with a secure Blackberry connection. Email's set up and I'm right back to being connected all day. Weekend spent with a bunch of lovely close mates.

Time really flies. It's been almost a month since I left Jones for good. Looks like its gonna be a pretty exciting start to March. The novelty of an entirely new environment and job scope awaits. Or at least, the impressionable witty Director who caught my heart and hooked it up with the job in less than 10 minutes, would soon be training me in less than 9 hours from this very moment. That's something to look forward to, too.

The fever's pretty much a pain though. Hopefully the pills work miracles on me tonight.

To a great week ahead. And greatest sympathies to the victims in Japan.
Sent from my BlackBerry Wireless Handheld from M1.

The IAVE Youth Volunteer Conference became much of a sensation (to me at least). It was a simple event to bring people together from all over the world to share ideas and celebrate one another for having contributed something positive to their community in a bid to change the world. In a certain sense, it felt ironic to have met like-minded youths from all over who seemed to be searching for the core meaning for attending the event in the first place.

The adults were consistently pushing the delegates towards this vague vision. Speakers perpetually insisted that we held some power within each of us to do something great. The drastic bid to empower us to go out of our way to achieve the results of what some has already achieved felt pressurizing as the hours ticked away.

Yet, still, it was a great pleasure to be in the company of various people I'd now call my friends. They emerged spontaneously from various cultural backgrounds, countries, age groups and communities that they served. Most spoke articulately in English (and damn, I was really impressed, really). Almost everyone else came prepared with name cards to facilitate the entire networking process somehow. Felt utterly ashamed to be present without any form of identification (except my name tag which only had my name and country of which I represented).

So I met some Hong Kongers - Madeline, Wilson and Natalie. Madeline was an art student, and her name card, shoes, bag, and everything else had something artsy fartsy drawing on it. Wilson was a BBA student in the top university in Hong Kong, and he was really intelligent. And Natalie was a psychologist undergraduate who was really into clubbing (LOL).

Then there were 2 German boys - Jerry and Johan. They were high school students in Germany who decided to spend a year in Thailand to do Overseas Voluntary Service instead of Military Service back in their country. They were often curious about the little details. Often questioning the hows and whys.

There was Dan (pronounced Dawn) the Cambodian farmer. His family owned several hectare of rice fields in Cambodia. And, though backward in terms of technology, he was greatly aware of the various climate issues that his country was facing, and was really passionate when it came to sharing the little things each of us could do when it came to saving the Earth through environmentally practices that individuals could adopt back at home. I guess that was all I could really suss out.

Along the way we befriended Max and PickPorn from Thailand. Max was a Medical student who already had a Law Degree and was really into Politics. He was really amusing though with his little tricks and wide array of knowledge. He seemed to be a jack of all trades, but I haven't had time to discover which he actually mastered. Apparently he was really diligent back in Thailand. And his sincerity in sharing his knowledge made him emerge prominently amongst his other peers.

Then there were the Volunteer Ambassadors from the National Youth Council. Jiajia and Riduan from SMU who were really fun to be with. Sylvester, the 'matured' youth from the Youth Executive Council of Anchorvale CC. And of course my best buddies through the conference Thomas, Lourence and Edna.

Come to think of it, I really enjoyed those three days. Felt weird to have woke up on Monday to realize I wasn't heading down town to meet the usual gang I've been spending time with for 3 whole days.

Now - I'm back to being a jones intern.

Dreadful long night. Too many plans to fulfill in one life, too many dreams for one night.
Bottled sorrow. Music just lifts the worst of moods, you can't figure how genuine emotions really are these days.
Forced independence. Assuming a role you're not sure if you can take on on your own. But who (really) cares.
Polished Exteriors. Exuding false confidence that masks all other flaws.
Assumed Maturity. Age that indicates an inaccurate level of maturity that has been acquired.
Undeserved Inferiority. Because sometimes people think you don't deserve the luxury to feel insecure or be assured.
Quiet Times. The times achieved through utter isolation deep within. You literally achieve a quiet moment because you're silent.
Weak soul.
Non - denials. They just mean silence. Nothing more.
Logical assumptions. Normal step to take to form complete pictures - with the possibility of assumptions turning out wrong or incorrect.
Immunity. Pain and bruises don't hurt because something else hurts more.
Revenge. A way to feel better and make things work out.

Consensus met through actions mean more than those met through words.

Sent via BlackBerry from SingTel!

The distance from being who I think I am and who I can be - its pretty vague. The possibilities between what I want to do and what I can do are endless. The struggles gone through to be someone you think is great, and the perception of what others presume is great. Sharing joy and aspirations over drinks at a round table.

Isolation's the best way to build strength.
Sent via BlackBerry from SingTel!

Was scribbling on a book before my pencil gave way; couldn't find a sharpener within reach, so I chose to type instead. Been interacting much with the world off screen and without the aid of the satellite. I know I still rely on it occasionally to keep in touch. But I've been living life much without the usual MSN, laptop, and teevee.

Bacon with eggs on Christmas Eve in the living room. Heading to work to fulfill the painful fate of the mid-shifter (lol). Feels like Jones' gonna be filled with families and everyone else alike, doing their last minute Christmas shopping, and randomly grabbing candy to fill up Christmas stockings.

The past few nights have been really fun - guests were all cheery and a pleasure to serve; much to my delight. And the nights were just great, especially when Yizhen and Huaipeng are back! (:

So everyone's scrambling to purchase Christmas hampers and ingredients for dinner on Christmas Eve. Hot items like truffle oil by Tartuflanghe, the Cherry Panettone and Panettone by Rustichella d'Abruzzo and cranberry sauce were oos a few days back. And baskets dunked at the cashier counters fill up a couple of bags at a go. Kudos to the environmental friendly shoppers who brought their own shopping bags.

Anticipating some really crazy time at Jones in a bit. Huurah to Santa!


Sent via BlackBerry from SingTel!

Sylvia. Syl. And someone you'll never expect me to be.