Bah Humbug :(

Just to warn you ahead of time this is a bit of a vent session to clear my head.....
Yes, it is Christmas day and while the majority of the world is at home with their families, I am working (meaning being on clinic watch and pilling any border that needs meds) - oh the joys of veterinary clinical practice. The time I have spent with my husband today was wonderful, but it truly does not feel like Christmas. This is the first year that I have not spent Christmas eve - New Years with family and friends. And before I go on I want to say that my time as a small animal veterinarian has been a valuable learning experience and I have made such a wonderful lifelong friend (love you Sue!) that I would never take back the experience. And I know that this experience will make me a better clinical pathologist. However, I never dreamed that a job that I dreamed about when I was little would be so incredibly wrong for me, for so many reasons. A small part of me wonders if things would have been any different if when I fell in love with clinical pathology in vet school I just went for it then (right from vet school) instead of doing clinical practice first. To make an analogy me and being a small animal vet are like two puzzle pieces that do not fit together no matter how hard you try to force them. There are days where I feel sick about going into the clinic because I feel so burned out and so used by clients. It is so emotionally and physically exhausting. And it is so difficult to know a little bit about every possible topic/disease - my brain works so much better knowing every detail about one area instead of a little bit of everything. The most difficult thing is that I knew after just a few months at the clinic that I was ready to move on to a clin path residency but knew that Steve and I were going to be stuck here for 2 years so he could finish his degree (in a program that he is unhappy in as well but knows it needs to be done, similar to me). In addition, the city/town we live in is like living in the Stepford Wives movie, no joke its rediculous - neither of us feel like we fit in here at all. So for a long time both Steve and I have felt kind of trapped in a life that although temporary, neither of us wanted to stay in.

When I got the offer to be Texas A&M's clinical pathology resident next year AND found out that Texas is full of video game companies for Steve it was the most liberating and happy experience that both of us have had in a long time. It is so amazing to know that there is a light at the end of the tunnel and that both of us are going to be able to do our dream jobs! I can't tell you enough how much I LOVE clinical pathology - I actually enjoy reading my clin path text books in my spare time, believe it or not it is my pleasure reading! AND I will be able to teach again which I am so happy about. If I can inspire vet students with the enthusiasm that I have for clinical pathology, how rewarding that would be :) Also I hope that I can be a mentor to the students and help advise them in making the right career choices - keeping an OPEN MIND in vet school and exploring every opportunity and field veterinary medicine has to offer. Also it is a small perk that weekends and holidays will actually be WEEKENDS AND HOLIDAYS, unlike my small animal practice experience. I think life may feel a little more "normal" despite the constant studying but I do that now anyway, by choice :) I am so excited for our move to Texas and both of us starting a new phase in our life that it seems like time is crawling. At this point I still have 122 days left before I end my time at the clinic (unfortunately finances keep me from leaving sooner) and it is DRAGGING because I am so ready to be done with this phase in my veterinary career I can't even describe it. Plus I am looking forward to having 2 months off in the summer to see family, visit Wes in Oregon, arrange our move and buy a house in Texas, spend as much time with Sue as I can before I move, and just TAKE A BREAK.

122 days may not seem like a long time but although it may sound stupid it seems like forever to me and I really hope I can survive them without losing my mind. I am going to miss my friend Sue a TON and will try and visit her as often as I can once I move to Texas, but I will definitely not miss my current job one bit. God grant me the strength to get through the next 4 months and bless us with a wonderful future full of happiness and opportunities. Thank you to all our family and friends for your support and encouragement, we love you all.

ITS OFFICIAL!!!!!

Well I am officially going to be able to have my dream job - I am going to be a veterinary clinical pathologist!!!! Today I accepted an offer for the 2008 clinical pathology residency position at Texas A&M University!!! And the best news of all is that Texas is the 3rd biggest state for video game companies in the US, so Steve will be able to get his dream job too!!! We are very excited :) So now I guess I am officially an "Aggie", although I will always stay a Spartan too, forever :)
Now I just have to survive another 5 months in practice.......hope it goes fast!!!

Wow its been awhile....

Holy crap I can't believe how long it has been since I last posted! Life has been crazy busy and stressful for me lately. I am half done getting my applicaitons out for clinical pathology residencies - I am applyiing to 11 programs and praying like hell that I get into one of them. I seem to survive each workweek but it is more and more difficult to continue doing something that I am not meant to do - the waiting period before starting a residency seems so long, time is dragging.
On a better note I am LOVING Taekwondo! Steve, Sue, and I just got our yellow belts and not only passed our test but all 3 of us got "pluses" meaning that we did better than the others testing at our level. We are learning our new skills now and may test for our green stripes in January.
So off to bed I go, I'm exhausted.

Yay for Long Weekends

There's nothing better than taking a drive and seeing a good movie with a close friend, getting lots of much needed rest, watching Dawson's creek reruns, and cuddling with my husband and kitties......:)

Friends and Accomplishments

Fern turned out to be a GREAT vacation as always - a fun and relaxing time with family and forever friends. It went by WAY TOO FAST though :(

Since returning from Fern I've been spending a lot of time working towards my future as a clinical pathology resident - I have been going to the Journal Club Meetings at MSU every other Tuesday and if I have neat slides to bring with me to look at with Dr. Stickle we do that too :) I really enjoy going and when I'm there I feel so happy and like I really fit in. This will be such a GREAT future for me and I can't wait to dive right into it. I hope that time comes sooner than later.

Recently Sue, Steve and I passed our Taekwondo test and earned our yellow stripes! So now we are working really hard for the next 3 months so we can earn our yellow belt in October. I am really enjoying Taekwondo even more than I thought I would, and I am definitely going to stick with it long-term. Sue and I have been practicing almost every day during our lunch hour at work, and its a blast. Despite all I have been through in Midland and at the clinic, I am SO thankful for her friendship - I couldn't ask for a better mentor and friend. No matter where life takes me after Midland, I know we will be friends always :)

I'm REALLY excited because Wes is coming to Michigan this week!!! Steve and I are going to spend all day Tuesday with him and we'll see him again next weekend. We miss him so much when he is in Oregon and are really looking forward to spending time with him :)

Well I'm off to get some more reading done - lots of Clin Path books I want to get through before I start a residency!

Majorly Overdue Update

I couldn't sleep so I thought what the hell, I would update my blog FINALLY. Sorry it has been so long since I have written - I have been pretty busy lately. The cruise was a lot of fun - good times with wonderful friends. Some highlights were "Velda" jokes, climbing Dunn's River Falls in Jamaica, snorkeling, the ice show, swimming, and our absolutely beautiful ship!
Since I have gotten back I have dove in full throttle getting ready to apply for a clin path residency. I went to MSU to visit the clinical pathologists there and talk about the residency and application process. I am going to start attending their journal club meetings since they are on Tuesdays which is my day off :) I have been reading my clin path texts on my free time (yes I am a geek but I'm loving it and learning a lot. I am starting to line up recommendations too. I have also developed a plan incase I don't get in anywhere this year. Steve and I will move back to Lansing and he will try and find a good job, I will try and find something part time at a vet clinic and spend every possible moment I can in the clin path lab at MSU and attending their meetings, etc. Its nice to have a plan either way but I really hope I can get in somewhere this year.

Sue, Steve and I have started taking Taekwondo two nights a week. It is so much fun and AMAZING stress relief!!! Its amazing how even as a beginner/white belt it can make you feel so self-confident. In a month or two we will test for our yellow stripe :)

Tomorrow (actually today since its almost 5 am lol) we are leaving for our annual family vacation at Fern Resort in Orillia Canada where we have been going pretty much every year since I was 3 years old. I love that place so much and the people even more. Kendra is able to come for the whole week this year and Liz will be there Wed - Sun so we will be able to have lots of good friend time :) They have made a lot of changes at the resort this year that I can't wait to see - for example the building we stay in was totally redone and our room will be brand new with all new things - very exiting :) Anyway I should probably go back to bed so I can keep Steve company while he is driving and I don't sleep the whole way.

I'm Going to be a Specialist!!! :)

So after much research and discussion with vets and others I trust, I have finally made up my mind about exactly what I want to do with my life as a DVM! I have decided to apply for a residency in clinical pathology - through MSU or another vet school. I am really excited about this because after a lot of consideration and prayer, I know this is the right path for me. Hopefully I will be accepted to start next July, but if not I will try and find a job at a Cat Clinic until I can apply again.
Will I miss the hands on work with animals? Maybe a little. But there are SO many reasons why general practice, ESPECIALLY corporate (I work for an NVA hospital currently) is just NOT the job for me to be in for the rest of my career. I know for a fact that if I continued on my current road I would never be happy and would eventually reach a nervous breakdown or worse. Its funny going through my whole life with the focus and goal of doing a certain thing, and then once I get there realizing it is not the right place for me. But in a way I kind of knew that since specializing has kind of been tugging on my heart strings since clinics. I am very excited about my decision and am getting a lot of wonderful support from Steve, my parents, and friends. I knew I really enjoyed clin path in vet school but I never realized how much of a passion it really was until I was out in practice looking at blood smears, urinalysis, cytologies, etc. I would love spending all day doing such things and hopefully if this all works out I will!
Thank you everyone for your prayers and support. I feel like now that I have figured out what opportunities lie ahead of me I can really just sit back and BREATHE. The nice part is, I'll be able to do so on a cruise with a group of my dearest friends - only 1 day left of work and then its off to Miami and Royal Caribbean's Freedom of the Seas - BONVOYAGE!!! :) :) :)

Great Weekend

I was blessed not only with a 4 day weekend, but one that I was able to spend with my Dad. He flew from NY to see us on Friday and stayed until this afternoon. Saturday we went to the Tigers game with Steve, his parents, and his Uncle Don. Not only did we get to see the game but we spent the morning at "Home Plate 2007" where we were able to get up close and personal with some of the new and old Christian Tiger players. Todd Jones, Jason Grille, Frank Tanana and even WILLIE HORTON were some of the guys that gave their testimonies! It was very touching and I was so happy to be able to share this day with my Dad. Sunday, Monday and Tuesday were spend just hanging out and taking him to some of our local restaurants.
I'm definitely sad to see him go back to Rochester but I'll be able to see him again Memorial Day weekend. My mom will be here in a little over a week and next comes the cruise!!! I am counting the days, it is a MUCH needed vacation. It will be so nice to get out of Midland for awhile and get to hang out on a gorgeous ship in the Caribbean with some of our dearest friends! 11 days to go......

Stupid Michigan Weather :( :( :( and Stuff.....

Believe it or not we are having the SECOND SNOW STORM this April in "lovely" Michigan :( I'm so sick of shitty weather, when will God bring the sunshine??? A little less than a month ago we were having the most gorgeous spring weather and then it went back to winter :(
OK now on to other things....
Work is going ok for the most part. The days I have worked have been super busy lately! Katie used the term "emotionally exhausted" in her blog and that pretty much summarizes how I have been feeling. I am counting the days down to the cruise, it is a much needed vacation! It helps so much to just get away for a while and relax with no worries about work. I do admit though I will miss you Sue while I'm gone - I'll find you a cool souveneir from the tropics :)

I need to pose a couple questions to all of you and want honest answers/comments - I have been thinking a lot lately about how Steve and I think we do want to have a child someday and even though it won't be until YEARS from now the thought although happy brings a lot of fears out as well. For one I have to admit that I don't have a obvious maternal instinct which I am afraid makes me seem like a "bad person" to people who don't understand this. I am not one to volunteer to hold a baby or toddler b/c I would much rather be a passive observer and not be drooled on or boogered on (is that even a word? lol). Changing diapers grosses me out. I have pretty much zero tolerance for whining, crying and tantrums and don't really know how to act around kids. Everyone says this is different with your own child but is it really? And although this may sound shallow I have struggled with weight issues my entire life and am terrified of this worsening via pregnancy. I have to work SO hard to lose weight now and the thinnest I have been able to attain was a size 10/12 when I met Steve years ago and that was when my whole life revolved around food which was not fun, trust me. I can't bear to have this struggle worsen because it already kills my self esteem! SO...for the questions......1) Does all of this mean I will suck as a mother and 2) Is there any possible way to avoid the weight issue and still have a kid? I am willing to do ANYTHING short of starving myself.
Thanks for all who comment - you may wonder how this has come into my thoughts lately? Well I have been doing a lot of reading on weight loss because I am trying to lose weight for the cruise, and in my reading, particularly in online forums, I have come upon comment after comment from women who say that since they had kids they gained 2-4 sizes and have never been able to lose it. This scared the heck out of me and started me thinking about the above.

I am FINALLY a 60!!!! :) :) :)

This is a picture of Jentuk, my orc warlock in World of Warcraft - she is on her warlock felsteed and next to her is her felhunter pet. As of last night, Jentuk became a level 60, which used to be the highest level you could reach in World of Warcraft until the expansion came out. Getting to 60 has been my goal since I started this character in January, and I DID IT, WOOHOO!!!! Most of you probably think I'm crazy for getting so excited about this but I am psyched!!! Now I get to quest with Steve's highest character (a lvl 61 orc hunter) in the new area added on by the expansion. Now I'm up for lots of hard dungeons and kicking some alliance butt ;) On my way to 70 now...... :) :) :)

I know, I'm a nerd - thank you Steve for passing on the addiction :P

P.S. Wes and Sue - you should really give this game a try - it is SO much fun and tremendous stress relief, you would love it! And if we are online at the same time you could quest with me and we can type to each other like instant messenger ;)

Nostalgia....

This is spring break week for the schools here so our clinic is full of boarders as all the school kids and their families take a vacation. It makes me remember all the wonderful places I went with my parents during such vacations when I was growing up. Most of the time for spring break we either went on a cruise or to Disney World, both of which are dream vacations for me, especially now that I can share such places with my husband. This week has made me long to get away and I'm so glad the cruise is fast approaching (6 and 1/2 weeks to go). Despite the fact that I absolutely hated vet school, I definitely miss the built-in vacations of academia that just do not exist in the real world. Now it feels like real vacation time is a lot harder to come by :( Life after college can really suck :(

I'm so glad the weather has been nicer though, I've spent a lot of time walking on my days off from work and Sue and I started walking at lunchtime on workdays. I'm trying to lose some weight before crusing b/c I'm a bit self conscious about the weight I gained in vet school that I have yet to take off. I'm embarassed to wear a swimsuit, even in front of friends. I really am enjoying walking, it is a wonderful way not just to get exercise but also to release frustration and clear my head, which is a daily necessity especially after those long workdays.
Steve took me to lake Huron yesterday and we went walking on the beach and in the water. It was so relaxing, I wish we could spend more time doing such things. We may go back up to Traverse City once I have a free weekend again.

For those of you who want a World of Warcraft update, Jentuk is now almost level 60!!! I/2 level to go! And I got my priest (Sionned) and hunter (Jental) both up to level 10. My paladin (Ianthe) still sits at lvl 20 and I deleted my mage (Andrade) because I wasn't too thrilled with constantly dying.

Well I'm off to play WOW now actually ;) Trying to get as far as I can before tomorrow when I go back to work. I never get much time to play when I'm working and I have the clinic this weekend so I am pretty much tied up until Monday - blah :(

Hopeful Change in a VERY Vain World...

Steve and I believe it or not are addicts of Tyra Banks' show America's Next Top Model. I have to say I am THRILLED that this year there are not one, but TWO plus-size models that have made it to the final 12! They are both just as if not more beautiful than the other girls (some of which are so bony and gross that they literally just need to sit down and EAT!) and I am hoping and praying with all my might that one of them wins in the end. It would be a nice addition to Dove's new line of advertizing that emphasizes that you don't have to be skinny to be beautiful, which is SO true! I have spent way too much time feeling bad about myself and my appearance and recently I have just said screw it! I will do my best to be healthy but life is too short to not enjoy that Starbucks caramel macchiato or Cold Stone ice cream. So yes I will eat well for the most part and do my best to try and exercise, but I will no longer let the media make me feel bad about myself. Hopefully other shows and companies will get on Dove's bandwagon and change the way the world views what is considered "beautiful" to something more realistic, and maybe one day Hell will freeze over and the media will emphasize that it is what is INSIDE a person that counts the most.
Maybe someday.....

Holy Snow!

Well we are having the storm of the century here in Midland today! Its a constant onslaught of frozen rain, hail, ice, and God knows what else. Snow and ice are accumulating on the ground quickly and cars are sliding all over the road. I'm shocked people are actually still coming to their appointments at the clinic, I would NOT drive in this if I didn't have to! I called Steve and thank God he is coming home from school early because this weather is only going to get worse according to the weather channel online.
This is my last day at work this week and then I have 5 days off to spend with Steve for his spring break from school. I go back to work again next Wednesday. We were going to go away somewhere but we decided to save money and just stay home and spend some quality time with each other and the critters. Oh and of course playing WOW.
I think I have slowly become ALMOST as obsessed as my husband with that game lol. I play it constantly and really want to get at least to level 60. I just reached level 40 over the weekend (I'm 41 now) so I was able to get my mount which is SO cool - its a black horse whose feet and eyes are flaming. Its such a fun game and is GREAT for stress relief. I can't wait to indroduce the game to Sue, I think she'll enjoy it a lot :)
If anyone has an interest in joining the WOW online gaming addiction, you can find me on the Detheroc PVP server as Jentuk (my level 42 orc warlock), Andrade (level 22 blood elf mage), Ianthe (level 20 blood elf paladin), Sionned (level 6 blood elf priest), or Jental (new Taurin hunter) ;) And I'll invite you into our guild - Ordo de Saxon ;)
Stay warm everyone!

Overdue Update

Well its been awhile since my last desperate post and I guess things have been getting a bit better since then. My 6 month evaluation at work was just ok and I have a lot of things I need to work on. I don't know if I was naturally cut out to be a small animal vet because I have had to work and study so damn hard to get to where I'm at and I still have days where I think that I'm really not very good at what I do or that its just not right for me. Other days I feel much better. I just want every day to be one where I feel smart and confident in myself - I wonder if that will ever happen? A big part of me though feels like something is missing, that I want to do more, like specializing in something I really love like clinical pathology. I looked into doing a residency in clin path and I think this may be the right path for me. I do admit that I'm terrified to have to do applications again and worry about whether or not I'll get into a program. I always get scared that I will get my hopes up and then get burned.
Work has been a LOT better recently thank God. The doctor who left before I came here is coming back 1 day a week (Mondays) to take some of the surgery load, and as a result I am getting ~3 Mondays a month off as well as my Tuesday. This week was my first experience with the extra day off and it has been GREAT! I actually feel awake and normal when I am at work, and I feel happier in general and have much more energy to help out everyone else as well as focus on my own cases. That extra time for me, Steve and the kitties is definitely worth every second. I'm working late on Thursdays with Sue now on the weeks I don't work Monday to have some extra time available to my clients if needed. This is my first late Thursday and so far its been fun. I reached a personal goal today spaying a dog in the fastest time I have done so far (which I won't reveal because its still WAY too slow lol). I'm very proud of myself :) Being faster in surgery is one of the things I am working on, along with being faster with my appointments which is getting better as well. And the best thing is the encouragement I am constantly getting, especially from Sue - she is truly an angel and I think the reason God brought me to this clinic. I have learned more from her than I ever thought I could my first year out, and each day brings new learning experiences. This week has been pretty slow though - I think its because its 20 below 0 here with the windchill and people just don't want to go outside and I don't blame them!
This weekend Steve and I are going to celebrate Grandpa Reinert's 80th birthday - I'm looking forward to it. He is such a great man and immediately "adopted" me when he found out I had never been able to get to know either of my Grandfathers (because both died before I was born). I'm glad we'll be able to be there for him on this special day :)
Our critters are doing well - Sue spayed Zoey recently and she has been doing great. We just took her stitches out Tuesday night and she looked good. Sue also reconstructed her nose to make her nose openings bigger so she could breathe better (common smoochie-faced animal surgery) and she is SO much happier now because she can actually breathe and smell! Why didn't I do her surgery you wonder? Well for one because I panic when its my own pet; second because I would have taken much longer, and third because I wanted her to have the best and Sue IS the best :) Zoey is such a joy and I'm SO glad we got her. Aslan grooms her all the time now - he was slow to warm up to her but now they get along so well (new pictures to come soon).
Surprisingly I have been spending a lot of time lately playing WOW (World of Warcraft). I must admit I am addicted but nowhere near as much as my husband. It is so much fun though and I love playing it on my new MacBook! I'm new at Macs though so I'm constantly discovering something new on my computer that I didn't know existed before :)
Anyway back to work for me, just thought I'd do an update since its been awhile :)

God Help Me!

Over my vacation I read the most wonderful book by James Patterson called Suzanne's Diary For Nicholas. It is a story in which the main lesson is that live is short and each day needs to be lived to its fullest. One of the things that struck me most in this book was the lesson of the five balls. It goes like this:
"Imagine life is a game in which you are juggling five balls. The balls are called work, family, health, friends, and integrity. And you're keeping all of them in the air. But one day you finally come to understand that work is a rubber ball. If you drop it, it will bounce back. The other four balls - family, health, friends, integrity - are made of glass. If you drop one of these, it will be irrevocably scuffed, nicked, perhaps even shattered. And once you truly understand the lesson of the five balls you will have the beginnings of balance in your life."
I truly think it is impossible to be in the profession I am in and follow this lesson and it scares the hell out of me. What scares me even more is that I have spent my ENTIRE life to get to the point I am at and it doesn't make me happy. Granted there are rewarding parts of my job and I really like helping animals, but it has the most amazing way of being unbelievably DRAINING of my time and mental and emotional energy. I find it hard to deal with the public so much on a daily basis, especially when I am not in the mood to be all happy and cheery. And I am SO unbelivably sick of people's stupidity. I can't tell you how many times me and the other doctors have had to stay late (particularly on Friday nights) because people decide to let a problem their pet has fester and fester until it is so bad that they are terrified the animal won't get through the weekend, that we end up spending time that should be for ourselves and our families trying to fix a poor innocent animal that is suffering because of someone's stupidity. I also have recently had an incident where something I did really pissed off a client to the point where she tore me apart on the phone and never wants to come back to me again. This has been so unbelievably emotionally trying for me - I have lost sleep at night hearing her voice in my head and I am not one that is easy to forgive myself for not being perfect. I KNOW that I can not emotionally handle things like this happening for years and years, and I know this won't be the first time it does.
What if I was not meant to do this for the rest of my life? I am hoping and praying that this is not the case but I'm scared because I feel like it SHOULD be making me happy. And I am a person inclined to just be miserable for the rest of my life because everyone is so "proud" of me and I feel that if I went in another direction it would be a complete waste of all the money, time, support and energy that so many I love have put into me and my career, particularly my parents. I am so scared and so uncertain of my future. I can honestly say that something I thought would make me happy doesn't - it makes me exhausted, bitter, and miserable. My mom told me the other day that she thinks I am borderline depressed and that maybe in the future I should see someone - and she is 100% right. When you spend your whole life working towards a goal and then when you finally get there you realize that what you thought would be so perfect isn't, it would make anyone sad I think. I honestly don't know what I would do if it wasn't for my husband who brings an unbelievable amount of happiness to my life and keeps me smiling and realizing that I am truly blessed. My family, friends and pets remind me of the same. And despite my unhappiness I have made such a cherished friend in Sue that I am thankful to God that I did come to MAC. She is so encouraging and is a constant reminder that maybe I'm not as bad a doctor as I sometimes feel I am. It doesn't keep me from being scared though - I really don't know where my life is going. I definitely can't see myself doing this until retirement. I will burn out WAY before that if not end up in a hospital first. Thank God there are many other venues one can take with a DVM - like residencies, research, etc. I do admit in vet school I had a strong instinct to specialize (particularly in clin path or radiology) but since I had wanted to be a small animal vet since I was 5, I pushed those instincts away. Now I am regretting it. Anyway, God please help me sort out my thoughts and put me on the right path to not only best utilize my DVM and my personal attributes and abilities, but also on one where I can be happy and content with my life. If such a path exists, please clearly point me in that direction and help me along the way. I don't want to be sad or scared anymore, and boy am I ever both right now.