rubbish

2weeks from the previous update.
nothing much really. been working, working, going out, working. the first day of work we were dead tired 'cos we weren't used to it. "our leg's feel as if it's gonna break!", quoted by chermaine. hahaha! met a few new people at work. some are nasty, some are cool, some are cute, some are angelic, some are attractive, some are assholes. but most of them are nice. =D
BUT! i think i'm gonna turn into a workaholic soon! i can't take the boredom at home!
i just finished watching all 5seasons of smallville, &it's not enough! i need more dvd's! :( the tv programs aren't always nice, &going online isn't as fun as watching shows. AHH! help me!

well hmm actually, my life isn't that boring. =D met up with crystal, huifen, vanessa &corrie yesterday for a little shopping. rushed to the restaurant at around 10pm to get the menu from them. omg, it was kinda embarrassing 'cos we ran in the rain &when we reached there we look as though we took a shower! after that we went to eat stingray &then homed.

few days ago my sis, my bro &i met up at marche to eat dinner. delish! i know i know, i planned on going for a diet. don't think that i've already stopped. it's still on okay! i lost 2kg already! :) but i don't look like i just lost 2kg right? :(

on the 9th we went to ms. yeo's wedding. aww, she looks really pretty. & we took several pictures. other teachers were there too. after that crystal &i slacked at corrie's house. took many many pictures again. =D

yay! i'm going shopping tomorrow with my sis! yay! :)
(i'm really sorry this entry is a lil messy 'cos i'm really very bored!)
byebye!

the one person that seemed to be my whole universe had slowly slipped away without me realising a damn thing. bit by bit the rope that used to tie us together became a thread that could barely hold us back to each other..

"an escapist" is what i can be called. i used to run away from every little (or big) fight we encountered, thinking foolishly that things would be better that way. we led such a joyous yet complex life together. stupidity played along &the number of problems piled up. how i wished i knew how ugly it will turn out to be playing such a mindless game..

days passed, then weeks, then months. life was per normal, until one day i realised what i had been missing outside: the perfect world of my own, the satisfying life i've always wanted to live. i had the sudden urge of facing every challenge, i started to be someone who i want to be.

a collision is what i may call this. he was leading the same old life we had, but i was heading towards a very different direction. running mile after mile away from every question, it came to a time where we couldn't catch up anymore. i started realising things, very unpleasant things that can never make me look at our relationship the same way i did before. you, being able to make me laugh even at my lowest, making me feel so warm. you used to be what i called my "happy hormone", but everything started changing when i started trying to be a whole new person.

all the things came right at me one very day when i was transforming: this whole relationship was full of mistakes, mistakes that can never be corrected due to our lack of understanding &our several differences. don't get me wrong. i never thought that the times we had was a mistake. it's just that everyday it comes right at me without fail, that what we had was like an endless fairytale. but because of my selfishness, my immorality, it came to a point where all i wanted is myself to be happy, to get what i really want. my love slowly got washed away by sunlight &rain..

all i want is to fly free again. to look at the world with great pride, to seek many unbelievable findings about human life, to become me but not me. my desire to be someone i'm not was too much, leaving you behind me, slowly losing my grip as a result.

it's all my fault. if only it was the same as before.. if only i had loved him the same way, then i wouldn't be able to let him slip away just because of a little thing called freedom. i'll do what master says, act like master acts. &then everything would the same.

sometimes i wonder why i became such an idiot, that i left someone like you behind without even knowing it, or a smartass, to finally realise what the world has to offer me.

but now i don't know what i want anymore. i don't want to get back to the old illogical & dependent me. i want to learn things. at the same time i want to be crazy, forgiving &become the out-of-the-world girlfriend i used to be, just to get the love of my life back in my arms.
just from flashbacks, &i want to be back there even with the chains around my ankles. but then i wake up everytime and look at the place surrounding me. &then i realise that the whole world is ahead, waiting for me.

hopes about us had reached to the height of mount everest. i know a year ago, i asked the same question but who cares? i haven't got the answer to it yet:
is HOPE the first step down the path to disappointment?
or is it the magic that keeps us hanging in there even when our minds' battling with our hearts?

so tell me which way to go, the past or the future? 'cos i cant take it anymore..

back from a blast!

after disappearing for months, i've finally found time (& mood) to start writing about my life again. i tell you, the past few months i've had weren't just "the past few months". it felt like many many years of hardships &discontentment, not to mention PAIN.
ups &downs, lefts &rights. you name it, i've got it.

since no one is actually reading my stuff already, i shall write freely ¬ "hide behind bushes".
i've been admitted again, &sad to say, it won't be the last time. although times in there were pretty rough &tough, i'd say i've learned many things about people (shan't say what) & met several people who has gone through so much &still remain intact. :)
all i want to say is, thank you to those who found time to visit me, because even for just that moment you guys made me feel comfortable. :)
thank you, you guys.
okay, specifically it's the great wonderful people in my life, my clique, who hadn't make me feel empty &alone.
yanping, roger &wenjie. people who obviously is close to my heart.
huiyi &limin, the ones who took the trouble to pay me a visit.
gillian, the girl who can never stop laughing.
vanessa &huifen, 2very nice &caring people.
mr chua, who bought for me 2 of each type of pau from the most famous pau store in singapore, &mr lee, the one who never failed to bring me scrumptuous delicacies everytime he drops by.

last but not least, my hero. the one who brought me a bouquet of roses right after school, the one who took the pain to make me a cute gundam &color it with my favorite color even during the mugging period of our o's, the only one who took me downstairs to light candles during the mid-autumn festival, the one who never ever fails to tuck me to bed (even by phone =D) every single night of my stay in that horrible place.

it was sad, a few days after i had been discharged it was crystal's birthday, & i didn't make it!
sorry crystal, i know it means a lot to you. really sorry.
oh, &i wanna greet her a BELATED HAPPY BIRTHDAY here, :) .

so enough about that.
before &during o's were the worst days of my life. everyone was trying to be the toughest of the toughest. most art students were practically living in hell way before o levels began. had to finish our coursework, &after coursework was paper1 which we had to do before our o's &hand it all up up together with our final design. i tell you, it was horrid horrid HORRID!

after art our hearts felt a lil lighter, it's like the whole burden art brought to us finally went gone & is O-V-E-R! the rest of the papers were okay, maybe except for maths 1 'cos i panicked & almost died, chemistry 'cos i totally did not know anything despite the countless of days i wasted mugging that stupid pathetic half a subject (!!!!!!!), accounts 'cos i totally gave up mid-way, &history 'cos dang it, i studied the wrong chapters!

after o's everyone was relieved. we thought of celebrating so ley, phiney &i went to catch step up. okay, after that day, the rest of the days were invaded by boredom.
only except for the days we went present hunting for chermaine's birthday. we actually thought that it was easy getting her something this time 'round because we know exactly what she wanted: a white nike watch. but we didn't expect it to be as hard a before! we went in several nike shops &found every other color except for a white one. the worst thing was, every nike shop has the exact same watches, so how are we gonna find her dream watch??

so, we decided to hunt for watches with other brands like adidas. nada! finally, when we arrived lido ley &phiney spotted this white watch, it's gorgeous but we hesitated to buy it 'cos it isn't a nike. in the end, we bought it anyway. hahaha!

the day of chermaine's birthday, it was stressful yet exciting. we had to rush here & there to get everything done because we thought that the ever so punctual chermaine would be punctual. but haha, guess what, she wasn't! in fact, she was very very late! but it's okay, now it's our turn to wait & it's her day anyway so, who cares?? =D

everything went on smoothly. our plan was not ruined even though we rushed on everything. cafe cartel first. we gave her a very very small slice of cake to make her think that we actually don't have any more money to buy her the big cake. we sang the happy birthday song &she was so so embarrased 'cos people were looking. so we ate, everyone was bloated &then the big cake arrived! we embarrased her again! hahaha. but it all went fine. we were very sweet actually, we ate the whole cake together using our forks! :)

we quickly ate and then we rushed to the cinema. we bluffed maine about the movie, & the first thing she said when we reached was "walao eh". it was 9:56, a horror movie, &she doesn't like horror movies 'cos she gets scared. hahaha! & throughout the movie, she covered her eyes &only allowed herself to look at the subtitles! how cute is that!

after the movie we walked from cine to cathay cineplex. we hung out there for awhile, surfed the net & then we went off. we had a fun day, all 7 of us. :)

been hanging out with chermaine &crystal lately, especially crystal. we've been finding jobs together. always hanging around holland v &town to job-hunt. after many painful days of rejections, we finally found a job! & the best part is.. we get good money! :) we're gonna start on the 11th, & we are so excited! especially me &crystal. our eyes are like filled with dollar signs whenever we think of the job! =D

okay so i guess i've filled in all the blank pages from the past months. :)

what is love to you anyway?
merely a four letter acronym?

what is love to you?
tell me.

i wish i were good enough for you.
oh but doesn't every other little girl?

i love you,

khL

it'll be alright. :)

though i don't really know what i'm going to do when i get there,
take a breath and hold on tight.
spin around one more time,
and gracefully fall back to the arms of grace.

'cos im hanging on every word you say,
&even if you don't want to speak tonight,
that's alright.
alright with me.
'cos i want nothing more than to sit outside heaven's door &listen to you breathing.
that's where i wanna be..


cheer up, darling.
everything's gonna be alright.
baby, it'll be alright..

remember me this way..

every now and then
we find a special friend
who never lets us down.
who understands it all,
reaches out each time you fall.
you're the best friend that i've found..

i'll make a wish for you,
and hope it will come true.
that life will just be kind
to such a gentle mind.
and if you're losing your way,
think back on yesterday,
remember me this way.
remember me this way..

i don't need eyes to see
the love you bring to me,
no matter where i go.
and i know that you'll be there,
forevermore, a part of me,
you're everywhere.

i'll always care

and i'll be right behind your shoulder, watching you.
i'll be standing by your side in all you do.
and i won't ever leave,
as long as you believe.
you just believe..



i know you can't stay,
but part of you will never, ever go away.
your heart will stay..

hey little baby, little lover boy,
get in my arms, give me some joy.
i wanna hold you tonight,
it'll be alright.
'cause the night is long and i hunt for you.
in this darkest hour, where have you gone to?
won't you come to my side?
i need you tonight..

well in case you failed to notice,
in case you failed to see,
this is my heart bleeding before you,
this is me down on my knees.



these foolish games are tearing me apart.
your thoughtless words are breaking my heart.
you're breaking my heart..

heavy heart.
real heavy.

i'm trapped in a box and i can't breathe.

i believe that i swore not to write, ever again, about that particular thing.
i just don't know why it came back to me all of a sudden.

i had a nightmare last night.
i was in the toilet doing my business, and then suddenly there was blood all over my gums. my chin started forming a hole and then i called out loud for help to anyone who could hear me but no one was there.
it was the most horrible nightmare i've ever had since i think a decade ago.

a decade ago, HISTORY.
i can't believe the past is coming back at me. the whole 10 years, back!
i don't know whether i should be happy or sad. joyous or maybe just extremely bad memories, it's just the past. nothing more. at least, if i could put it that way.

whatever it is, i'll try not to care anymore.
i'm going out with lila later to watch she's the man. :)

because i feared what i did not know but have wanted to know-

I have come far enough
from where I was not before,
to have seen the things
looking in at me from through the open door

and have walked tonight
by myself,
to see the moonlight
and see it as trees

and shapes more fearful,
because I feared
what I did not know
but have wanted to know.

My face is my own, I thought.
But you have seen it
turn into a thousand years.
I watched you cry.

I could not touch you.
I wanted very much to
touch you
but could not.

If it is dark
when this is given to you,
have care for its content
when the moon shines.

My face is my own.
My hands are my own.
My mouth is my own
but I am not.

Moon, moon,
when you leave me alone
all the darkness is
an utter blackness,

a pit of fear,
a stench,
hands unreasonable
never to touch.

But I love you.
Do you love me.
What to say
when you see me.

-Robert Creeley

:)

wow. to think that it's already been 6months.
so there's just you & me. buffet @ sakae, thrill @ the nun.
yes my love. six months full of hardships with a mixture of sweet love.

SIX MONTHS!
and you're still the one.
<3
time flies right? don't you think so?

complex mind

the hundred year old thing that no one has ever thought of going back to. it just wouldn't go. and i thought it left already but sometimes i can't help but remember how it pinches my heart.

and the thing is, i don't know what could make me feel better.
& you know something funny? i know that pain is the one that reminds us of how far we've gone.
but why is this pain so unbearable?

i watched me fade in your mind,
like fireflies in the morning horizon,
subtle & sleek.

days when i knew you existed .
yet you watched me,
fade like fireflies in the night sky,
constant & endless.

soon denying your existance,
i ran. & then
i said with a smile so faint,
goodbye..

just get out.

Sometimes I wonder why people spend their lives missing things, or people.

i was given a new nickname just a few minutes ago.
wanna know what it is?

it's..
U
F
O

hahaha!

you wanna know why i'm laughing my ass off??

'cos UFO is short for UNKNOWN FATTY OBJECT!
wahaha!

so lame.. but cute too!
guess who made this nickname for me..
hahaha!

the past is such and isn't really worth going back to.
moving foward is what's important, it's the only thing that exists.

life is really nice, actually. you know the phrase "some people makes the world special just by being in it." you wouldn't believe that this is not only for hanlin, who everyone thinks is my life. it's actually for everyone who i care most about, those who hold their hearts close to mine.

you know who you are. let's just stop all these conflicts and move on..

SOS

i can't help it.
it's haunting me again.
it's coming back-
the nightmares/

hanlin save me..
ineedyouNOW.
idon'twannaGOBACKTHERE..

i wanna announce to the whole world that:
1. shirley gan is the cutest person in the whole wide world.
2. shirley gan is the best!
3. shirley gan is a cute and definitely the best lobster in the whole world!

i love shirley gan aka lobster!
mwah!

greatgreat love. <3

the greatest achievement i've ever had in my whole life: i did my experiment all by myself! with some help by master skinny during the start, of course. but i did it! ahh! i did it! congratulate me anyone?? congratulate me! it's more of an order than a request. hahaha!

hmm, just wanna say,
i love my stupid sotong/ skinny/ siao kia/ honeybunny to bits! :)

ohoh! and i did something really very bad today. while walking pass the market, there was this lil kid who was running to her mummy or whoever, and i was looking at the sky instead of the ground so the kid didn't turn on her brakes, bumped onto my chicken legs and then dropped on the floor! ahhh! it's like the the dumbest thing i've ever done for the week! oh that poor girl. SORRY! :(

there's nothing i can do. i just can't help loving you.. :)

artstravaganza rehearsal on thursday. watched it and i all i can say is IT IS NOT GOOD. stayed there till 6 and then off to clementi for dinner with my genniex. saw cheryl waiting for yy outside the salon. ate at kfc &stayed there till like 7 plus and then went home. tiring day! oh, and we hung around corrie's place for awhile while waiting for the time to pass. :)

and the day has arrived. ARTSTRAVAGANZA.
damn it. it was okay at first. everyone was cool. and then the people satrted to go in and some very irritating and fucked-up people came, which ruined my entire fucking day. yeah, they're like the shit outta my ass. FUCK THEM. well aside from that everything turned out to be great in the concert. very very united. and the actual thing is so so different from the rehearsal! a TOTAL TRANSFORMATION! (though there are some people who really shouldn't be in there performing 'cos they look so EWWW)

shit. i'm really really confused! FRUSTRATED!
i just don't get it. i mean, i'm not a bad person. why does this have to happen to me. i read something and then everything in myself changes especially my mood. damn it. i just don't know why i had to get jealous and angry over some things i read over the internet. you know that kind of feeling that without me in their life, everything is entirely perfect. it sucks. :(

grrr. i'm so pissed! STILL! about EVERYTHING!
I HATE MY PERIOD!

i want to drink and drink until i get drunk!

tragic loss..

on the 31st of May 2006, we made a tragic loss.

our old life, Ghim Moh McDonald's is now closing for obvious reasons.
reason number 1 being: the gmss batch 2003 & 2004 (which are the people that brought excitement to the whole gm) had already graduated.
reason number 2 being: the first few batches after those 2 did hang out there but not as much.
reason number 3 being: the batch after mine didn't really do much on saving our beloved. lastly which is
reason number 4: we used to hang out there ALL THE TIME during our sec 2 after playing volleyball at the cc or anywhere else. but as you know, not all good things lasts, and that is the truth. :( apparently, no one really cried, weeped or bawled over our loss. i could say it was shock that was our first reaction, not sadness. :( and by the way, not the 7 of us were there to send off our Mcdonald's. how sad, right? :(



nothing else to blog, really.
farewell everyone.
farewell, beloved mac mac. :(

hello citizens of the world! i am now at corrie's house, blogging! (obviously) anyway, it's just shirley, delphine, corrie and i here. i don't know what we're doing. phiney's painting ley's nails BLACK, and ley's practically slacking, enjoying ALL THE LUXURY she can get. HAHAHA. and she said "wo hao xiang da xiao jie". WAHAHA! and and, corrie's all HARDWORKING. FLIPPING her bio notes. haha, but not studying. =D

argh! i don't know how i feel anymore.

i find peace when i'm confused.
i find hope when i'm let down.
not in me.
in you.
it's in YOU.

nothing! =D

school's out. well, that's for everyone else except for us sec 4's.
i shall now call next week HELL WEEK! we have to wake up at the usual school time from next tuesday til' 6th of june! :(

i'm officially a bookworm from today onwards. believe it or not. hahaha! :)

ANGRY POST!!

so what if i cared so much? it's not as if it's your problem. just because you used your bloody ink to DOODLE on my paper doesn't give you the right to take it. i mean, man you still have the cheek to take my work! i already provided the paper, i still have to provide you the PEN FOR YOU TO INK MY BLOODY ART PIECE? well fuck you bitch. if all you wanna do is brag about that piece of shit with me, then why do it for us in the first place? is it really you being HELPFUL or is it just because you wouldn't wanna lose your FUCKING REPUTATION? i mean, god! everybody in the room knows about how much you LOVE YOUR FACE. and also, how big a fan you are to FAVORITISM!

yes, who could deny the fact that you're the only art teacher in the school and that you're FANTASTIC? fantastic in a sense that you could draw straight lines with your stable hand. bitch, you win me at that 'cos i'm obviously not even half as good as you are. but hello, bitch? can't you see how you're being such a mother-fucker infront of everyone in the room? especially everytime you threaten us with MRS. YEO? and of course not to forget mentioning how you LOVE to boast on HOW MUCH YOU'VE 'HELPED' US. and because of that you can just simply ask for my art back? well TAKE IT IF YOU WANT BITCH. EAT IT IF YOU WANT SINCE YOU ALREADY SHOWED US HOW MUCH YOU HUNGER FOR YOUR GOOD SKILL IN DRAWING.

with you threatening us with something so stupid is one thing, but what about YOU QUESTIONING MY SENSITIVITY OVER SOMETHING THAT YOU SAY IS NOT CONCERNING ME?! HUH?! just because my name is not in his' still gives me the right to get angry. well anyway, this shows your personality. it shows how selfish you are, that you would not help anyone even your friends in any fucking situation. all you care about is yourself. and you can never EVER prove me wrong because the words "WHY ARE YOU SO SENSITIVE? THIS IS NOT EVEN YOUR WORK!" came out of your stupid mouth.

so what if you drew lines all over our paper? so what if you chose the colors? the fact is, it's not you who colored it. it's not you who did all that work! it's actually me! i finished that! indeed you are our teacher. but are you actually telling me that because the maths teacher taught us 1+1=2, the A1's that we get for maths are actually HER'S? no man, NO. use your pea-brain, fucker. put this in your mind: you have talent in art, but that doesn't make you the best!

oh i know what your next step is. it's either call my mum, or COMPLAIN to your mother about my rude behavior and then ask her to call me down from lesson tomorrow. hahaha, so PREDICTABLE.

oh, one last thing. next time just shut the fuck up okay. 'cos everyone couldn't concentrate with you nagging and nagging and repeating everything everytime we have art lesson, as if you have a sort of speech made especially for your art students. let me tell you something. you may not have gray hair, flabby arms or saggy boobs, but you're actually WORSE than my grandmother! and you know what makes it worse? even with my earphones on with the max volume, i could still hear your speech. so just stop complaining about how slow we are with our work because you're the cause of it!

MAPLE ROCKS!

oh my big brother is fantastic! he made this drink which tastes so nice! and you know how he made it? he mixed lime juice, grape juice and mango ice cream together! hahaha! sounds so yucky but tastes so heavenly! :)

i love maple! it's so cute! everyone knows that. :) :) :)

byebye exams!

exams are officially O-V-E-R! YAY!
probably you guys would know how fun it is if you spent the night here at my house doing all sorts of crap. we started by doing the thing we love most, GOSSIPING! well, we practically became gossip-mongers for the night (not that it's only for tonight, haha!) we were stuck at the computer for a LONG TIME, looking through people's friendster and blog. :) followed by pigging around with the usual take-out, MCDONALD'S! well, there was a screw up the first time they delivered, and the second time too. but we didn't bother that much the second time round 'cos we were too busy watching the drama show on channel 8. after which we had a dip in the pool. except for crystal of course 'cos she was wearing jeans. ley and i were the first ones to jump in, followed by phiney though she told us that she's not gonna jump in. =D
---

no-school days like this should be spent at some place where we could sit around, talk and have fun. sad to say, everyone's busy everywhere. it's not even 4years yet, and i could not understand why it is so hard to hold on!
though we did have fun tonight, 4 isn't enough. 7 is fab, 7 is fun.

look into my heart and you will find,
there’s nothing there to hide..

i wish i can look into your eyes and tell after a split second your every emotion.
i wish i can hold your hand and tell if something made you upset.
i wish i can listen to your heartbeat like i'm listening to you talk about your day.
i wish i can tell by the way you speak, what you're gonna say the next moment.
i wish i can read your face and understand what you really need at that moment.
i wish i can do and say the right thing at the right time, just to see you smile.
i wish i know every song in the world, and then know the lyrics immediately after listening so that i can sing any song you wish to hear.
i wish i can tell what you really want.
i wish i'm your dream girl.
i wish i can give you everything.
i wish i'm not me.

daggers piercing through..

it hurts so much, that i just want to curl up and then crumble.

ever gone through times when you already know that person isn't coming back, but you still put your hopes up so high and you just end up hurting yourself? ever gone through the times when you wait and wait, trying to see if that person's gonna walk pass and then he calls you saying that he has already reached home?

ever said something you mean with all your heart, and that person wouldn't believe or even listen to anything you say? ever felt so much pain in your life that you couldn't do anything else besides crying after saying out to your friends all the things you think may happen?

ever wished that certain someone could understand your every bit of emotion? ever wished that certain someone would hold your hand when you cry, wipe your tears away and then look you in the eyes and tell you how much he loves you, and then hugs you really tightly so as to feel how much you're being cared about? ever wanted a man to tell you that you're the most beautiful woman in the world, and that your smile is the most wonderful thing he has ever seen in his whole life?

ever been hurt by that someone to the extent that you couldn't talk and you can never think straight just because that person is piercing through your heart with, not needles but daggers?

so much pain. but even so, it's a battle we have to fight.

i wish you would say, "what happened again, silly child? there's nothing wrong with being weak. just show it. it must have been tiring trying so hard to stay strong all this while. it's okay to fall at times, but don't give up alright?" , instead of saying those harsh words..

; give me a moment please,
to tame your wild wild heart.

fun but lacking..

school as per normal. revisions the whole day for the exams. well not exactly, only bio and an additional class for accounts. that was especially for those who didn't bring their ten year series. =D

planned to go to tcc after school to study and so we went there after our detention. ate and all, but no one was in the mood to touch their books so we just chatted. well actually more like gossiped about people. and phiney is like so crazy about sugar okay! shirley too! they ate like u hundred packets of sugar! okay, i only ate one. xD crystal said we're crazy.

played a game, 'cos i kinda mixed sugar, salt and pepper into my water and then i don't know who got this idea of playing a game and whoever loses have to drink a sip of that awful drink. i was lucky number one, and eventually everyone had the chance to drink. we got kinda bored with that so we just ordered cakes! they're yummylicious! oreo cheesecake first and then american cheesecake. :)


and I can see your face, your kiss i still can taste, not a memory erased.
oh, I see your star shining down on me.
and i'd do anything if i could just be right there.

then i will be free, so take me where you are.
now baby there were times when selfishly, i'm wishing that you are here with me.
so i can wipe the tears away from your eyes and make you see that every night while you are dreamin, i'm here to guard you from afar.
and anytime i feel alone, i close my eyes and dream of where you are.
where you and i can breathe together.

once again we'll be dancin in the moonlight, just like we used to do.
and you'll be smilin back at me, only then will I be free.
baby i still believe, i will touch you that sweet day that you take me there-
where you are.

i'll always be waiting here..
found out about this song through phiney while in the taxi.
this is so us..

full-

THE ADRENALINE
pangs of regret
twinges of conscience
reminiscence of the past
memory playbacks

i hate this. this feeling of having so much pain and sadness, nothing but those two revolving around my head and inside my heart. i know this blog is so one-sided, but all i could ever think about is how life is so unfair and sometimes, disgustingly irritating in very unreasonable ways.

how could it be that those words could actually lead to so many fights over stupid things that we ourselves make it so enormously big. it's just that sometimes, i too feel like disappearing for a while.

this feeling i feel, it's like i'm gonna lose my mind! it's not really like what you think, honey. you think after taking a nap or just by going letting the day pass by everything will turn out fine? no, it isn't that simple. some things are just too difficult to even try to forget about every detail of that particular matter. i just realised that after that day, everything turned bitter. i tried every way i could just to erase all the shit i feel inside. i couldn't. also nowadays, nothing can make me smile anymore whenever i feel so damned. nothing. it's like it's so hard to be happy.

yes i appreciate every little thing, and feel blessed too. of course i am. so may i ask, how can i stand still with you and not be moved by you? your love is so much better than the gummy bears that you give me. so much sweet love we had before. i know all we have to do is to go in an open room that echos well. that's where i can tell you everything. &that's where our wonderful memories are bound to be.

life isn't a bed of roses/ how many times have i heard you tell me this? of how little significance it has meant to me, till recently.

we can't keep on crying hurting every night.
i can't keep shielding myself with this novel or that.
i wish there was someone i could talk to.
my every heart beat still belongs to you. always will.
we'll work through this together.

i'm sorry.

so what shall i talk about today? ahh yes. watched 3 movies in the previous week. take the lead was superb, followed by cute animal cartoon the wild and lastly aquamarine, a sort of bimbotic show, though quite funny albeit brainless. hmm, maybe that was to help me keep "calm" since this week are our exams. =O

english paper yesterday, and then off to queenstown with lila and crystal for art. headed to ikea for our yummy hotdogs after that but had to leave early 'cos of my stupid chinese tuition. :(

today i was with the other half of the gang, ley &phiney. hung out at mac, and then decided to go to holland v for tcc. but we ate at spizza instead and hey, the service there is good. walked back to gm (lobster's idea. she said it's like exercising 'cos she thinks she's getting AHEM!) sat at mac again and then went home.

oh, and it's been two days, and i miss you.

though i try to resist being last on your list.
but no other man's gonna do, so i'm saving all my love for you.

i'm not pissed anymore but please please just understand me . :(

just show me that you love me..

okay, a short post before i tuck in.

• tom yam after school with ley &phiney, like finally!
• tiong with ley to meet the guys.
• neoprints, while the guys are practically gobbling up all the food they can eat at sakae.
• did the lesbo kiss again in one of the neos.
• i look stupid in almost all the prints, and of course ley looks cute! ;)
• we spent a long long time inside tiong doing almost nothing!
• blahblahblah, fixed the gundam that me &hL bought a few days ago. (i know, childish right?)
• the cab uncle praised me like mad!
• he said i can go very far with my "good looks"! :) like a stewardess, or maybe even an actress!
• hmm, dream on girl! it's just too good to be true. HAHA!

since that day, the emptiness won't go away.
&that's the reason why it's fucking hard for me to say out my feelings.
not even bawl my eyes out..

circle the love, cross the hate!

today, i declare that these three bitches, chermaine delphine and shirley, are the three superwomen in the whole wide world!
they carried me and their back didn't break! imagine a LOBSTER carrying a DONKEY thrice her size?? IMAGINE THAT! now isn't sally the lobster the best?? =D
how about chermaine? she tried to carry me but i almost strangled her to death.
well at least she's better than this stupid POTATO QUEEN right? this stupid potato face only knows how to eat potato all day long and wouldn't even wanna carry me. she hesitated and only carried me for 3 meters! its not as if a DONKEY could crush a POTATO FACE right?
MWAHAHA! i'm evil.

besides that, i became a lesbian for a day.
check this out!


oh don't worry! this is only for a day! and besides, i look like a witch here, well that's what they said. :) and and, hL wouldn't kill me. and lobster my dear, your chicken wouldn't bother either 'cos i'm not a guy!! if i'm a guy, of course it'll bother him! :)

okay, another one after art remedial.


hmm. well there are still other photos that we took. but it's with yanyi so maybe i'll update next time. :)


just stop, 'cause i really love you.
stop, i'll be thinking of you.
look in my heart and let love keep us together.. :)

i'd die just to see you smile.

easy is to hurt someone who loves you,
difficult is to heal the wounds..

i wish i knew the right words to say.
they say, "time heals all wounds". but in my opinion, time only serves to make things worse.

i hope you know how much i love you. i love you, with all my heart. i really do.
i'm hurting so much inside. the pain, so unbelievably unbearable.
i just want you to hold me in your arms, and never let me go..

'cos what the world needs now, is love, sweet love.
that's the only thing that is just too little..

what happens then?

what happens when you've been hurt in a way so unimaginable that your heart feels like it's been stuffed in a tiny box & it becomes so unbearably difficult to breathe?
what happens when the tears can't stop falling?

do you want me, like I want you?
or am I standing still, beneath the darkened sky?
/ with the scenery flying by?
/ out of the corner of my eye?
was that you passing me by?

what happens when there is only one person who can make you stop crying?
what happens when that one person who can make you stop crying is the one who made you cry?

what happens then? tell me please..
feel so broken down

so yesterday we went for the science thingy at the science center. damn boring by the way. the only fun part was when we drew something like an animal kingdom or whatever, where every of our close ones are inside. something like me being the donkey, lila as the airpork, sotong as.. well, sotong. HAHA! yep, that's some of it. did a draft and we're gonna draw again when we're free. :) bowled at west bowl and it was fun. :) lila claimed that she doesn't know how to play but she almost had a strike okay! after that was pizza hut and everyone ate like hungry ghosts. =D yep, played and played. the plan was to go to bugis with lila but we were too lazy so we went to big bookshop instead. roamed around the place for quite awhile, and then we went off..

&&amp;, my m&m experiment FAILED! how sad.. :(

today was just dinner with family. went shopping with mum and dad at orchard. okay, we ended up food shopping! well, nothing surprising. everyone in the family LOVES TO EAT! :)
dang! have to go to atsi claire's birthday party later at 6. ahh! i'm too tired to go. but i'll go anyway. :)

so, do you miss me like i miss you?

back with the past.

it's silly having told you guys that i'm going and gone. and then after just a day, i'm here again.
though i may be back, it's not my whole. there's still a part of me that's empty &lost.
yes, the face you see is a mask.

i don't know why, i love you so much.
i can't feel because i'm just too lost.
not too much mad as no more.
so is it you, is it me, is it us,
or is it trust??

there's no one left in the world that i can hold onto.
there is really no one left at all.
there is only you.
and if you leave me now, you leave all that we were.
UNDONE.
there is really no one left.
you are the only one.
and still the hardest part for you is to put your trust in me.
i love you more than i can say.
why won't you just believe me?

off-

they fell, and never grew back.
goodbye blogger.
i may come back,
or may be gone forever..

it's all because of you, i'm feeling sad and blue.
you went away, now my life is just a rainy day.
and i love you so, how much you'll never know.
you've gone away and left me lonely..

untouchable memories, seem to keep haunting me.
another love so true, that once turned all my gray skies blue.
but you disappeared, now my eyes are filled with tears,
and i'm wishing you were here with me.

soaked with love, all my thoughts of you,
now that you're gone, i just don't know what to do.

if only you were here, you'd wash away my tears.
the sun would shine, once again you'd be mine all mine.
but in reality, you and i will never be,
'cause you took your love away from me.

boy, i don't know what i did to make you leave me.
but what I do know is that since you've been gone,
there's such an emptiness inside.
i'm wishing you'd come back to me.

if only you were here, you'd wash away my tears.
the sun would shine, once again you'd be mine all mine.
but in reality, you and i will never be,
'cause you took your love away from me.

oh baby, you took your love away from me.

sayonara.
i know when i die, you'll be on my mind.
and i'll love you, always..

easter NO surprise.

happy easter everyone.

i suppose i wouldn't be getting that easter egg today anymore. :(
and it's not gonna be a happy easter for me either.

waiting..
waiting..
and waiting..

goody-good friday! :)

good friday! an anniversary of Jesus' death on the cross. years, decades, centuries, and even millions of years ago, God was crucified! that's my knowledge about good friday, and that easter day comes along too! :) yay! and i get to have a chocolate egg this easter! :)

tuition was the first thing this morning. and can you imagine me, sitting still on the chair and STUDYING MY SCIENCE FOR 3 HOURS?? AHH! i'm not lying! =D
after that ate at my cousin's place for lunch, followed by a call from my honeybuns. yep, we met up for awhile to catch a movie. was supposed to go to the library with lila but was cancelled in the end.
anyway, the movie, ultraviolet, wasn't that bad. just a lil complicated. before that, we saw PHINEY &HER RAYNER at the escalator when we were going down, and they were going up! :) okay, pastamania again for lunch, and i didn't eat anything except for the tiramisu and 2 sushis. i'm serious about my dieting okay! :) headed home after that.

i love him many many!
that guy who loves me for who i am. though he sometimes does constantly pick on my flaws. HAHA. :) <3

&crystal flew off to thailand today! BYEBYE! bring more bra's back for me &ley! WAHAHA!
&&, she LOVES her blog! HAHA!
we'll miss you!!

toodles! :)

the life i've missed, in both ways. :(

it's summer now over there, the place where i no longer are a part of. but still, a place where my heart belongs. my friends are all enjoying their time now. with everyone wearing pretty gowns and tuxedos. AHH! I MISSED THEIR PROM AND THEIR GRADUATION! :( stupid school holidays. march holidays should be longer! :((((((

i have a lot to catch up on with them. real lots. I MISS THEM!
i've this video of my supposed-to-be batch. ahh! it's soo soo touching. i'm jealous, and sad too. 'cos i can't spend all those good and bad times together with them. :(



argh! i was scared of leaving that life that i used to have. it was beautiful. ugliness wasn't in our dictionary. it was all words like beautiful or gorgeous or wonderful or awesome. yep, it was that pretty. and leaving something that beautiful isn't easy. :(

anyway nothing in this post today will be good. the mp3 that we bought for hL was confiscated by that stupid asshole. and then ms. ting is starting to catch people again, with the attire and all. and then blahblahblahblahblahblah. AHH! there are other things too. AHH!

i don't know, but all that i'm feeling now are negative stuffs. :(
shit. i miss the times when we used to hang out. you know, like after school during sec2. we were like, always playing volleyball at the playground or sometimes at the cc. laugh and laugh at stupid jokes, and then we'd go to mac and chat for hours even after the sun sets. REMEMBER THOSE TIMES PEOPLE? :( don't you just miss them?

lame, HAHA!

hmm, hL just left. he came over and we watched a lil bit of friends. after that was underworld evolution. that movie was kinda cool, though i didn't really pay attention much at the beginning. and then it was dinner time! had spaghetti and ice cream! yum yum! we kinda watched friends again after that. okay, basically we were glued to the tv the whole time he was around. ahh, kids. =D

ahh!! and and, speaking of kids, there are a bunch of kids playing at shirley's blog! CHECK IT OUT PEOPLE! 16 year old kids pointing their fingers at each other, trying to prove to EVERYONE that everyone else is a busybody except for themselves! (okay, am i talking about myself or what? HAHA!) it's not only me okay! SHIRLEY TOO! MWAHAHA!

SHITTY FUCKERS!

OMG i'm so so pissed off with my mum and my brother! UGH they're like so so irritating.
okay 'cos this is what happened yesterday.
i was sort of making fun of my lil brother and my mother was in a bad mood. and then she came to me and beat my hand! i wasn't happy so i said, "DON'T YOU BEAT ME OKAY!!". and then she said, "why can't i beat you? you're making fun of your brother, so why can't i?". i'm really pissed off with her giving me attitude without me doing anything you know. 'cos it's like when i'm talking to her really nicely, she'll just shout at my face, without me doing ANYTHING! anyway, yep, i was so pissed off and you know what i said? i screamed, "I WANT TO! WHY CAN'T I?! YOU GOT A PROBLEM WITH THAT?!". i know it's very rude, but i really can't take this kind of thing. and to make the long story short, she threw at me, with great force, the thing that was hanging at our front door. and, to make things worse, it was actually made out of GLASS so guess what? my left arm now has lotsa scratches! and to top this off, it was also bleeding profusely! like FUCK IT. GRR! nobody in the house knows that it was made out of glass. if ever SHE knows that she wouldn't even DARE throw it at ME!

and you know what? she CALLED home after the incident! and she asked my maid if there were any glass that went in my skin. OMG like, WTF?! she's acting like SHE CARES? i thought all she cares about are HER FAVORITES which DOESN'T INCLUDE ME? and and, what's with the phone call? WHAT?? regretting her actions NOW?! like WHAT THE FUCK.

and there's another thing.
my little brother cut some of his hair all by himself and my mother was furious and was nagging like mad early this morning! and when my elder brother found out about it, HE ACCUSED ME OF CUTTING MY LIL BROTHER'S HAIR, AND EVEN SAID THAT I THREATENED HIM NOT TO TELL ANYONE! this is like, so shitty okay! i feel like KILLING THEM! AHH!

fuck them. fuck them all.

GREAT DAY!

i'm back! just gonna do a quickie since i told hL i'm gonna sleep soon. can't help but blog bout what happened!

sports day was horribly boring! i went there to criticise how slow people run and ley went there to get out of hell (her house). anyway, we were totally bored, went to the stupid toilet and it stinks so badly okay! damn. anyway, we gossiped all the way. only that the environment wasn't good enough so ley had a very cool plan on sneaking out. how? simple! climb up the gate! OMG it was one of the most exciting thing that happened that day besides gossiping.

went to tell honhon first to let him know where we're going. yep, at first he didn't want me to go, but he let me go in the end. so we climbed like nobody's business. it was fun and exciting and scary at the same time. :)

at kfc, ley and me were gossiping like HELL! gossiped about lotsa stuff. after a long long while, cheryl and tricia entered the place. talked, and then went to find the guys at the bowling place.

AHH! felt so tempted to bowl but nobody wanna play with me! cheryl and tricia had to go, and LOTSA LOTSA THINGS HAPPENED! VERY COOL! and i couldn't believe i did all that! JUST SO SO HAPPY! :) and and, hanlin is a PURE SOTONG. LOL!

it's time, my dear friend. :)
LOVEISINTHEAIR!

took cab with wjian and linlin as usual. TOODLES! :)

he bought me a kinder bueno egg with a puzzle inside! i pasted it on the wall! so pretty! :)
LOVE YOU!
i love you with every beat of my heart! <3

hey all! hmm, still sick. but i'm going for the sports day! shirley called me this morning around 10. asked me if i wanna go. so yep, i'm going. lila's not going though. she doesn't wanna do her np duty thingy. ahh! i'm supposed to meet ley at 1.45pm later. hope i'm not late! :)

the ugly truth.

i thought i could just laugh it off..

beauty is in the eyes of the beholder.
somehow, i grew up believing that the person you loved with all your heart would be, in your eyes, the most beautiful and gorgeous person in the world.
and so perhaps believing in that notion was my fault.

maybe i was wrong.

you may say i'm a dreamer, but i'm not the only one.
i wish i were good enough for you.
i wish i could give you the world.
i wish you would love me more..
just a lil bit more..

and now I try hard to make it, i just wanna make you proud.
i'm never gonna be good enough for you, can't pretend that i'm alright.

sometimes i wish i'm in my fantasy world.
so that you and i will always be smiling,
hand in hand, forever in love.
but i know that it will never be :(

err, i didn't blog yesterday so..
HAPPY BIRTHDAY HUIYI!
that's for yesterday. :)

okay. corrie and crystal tagged me i think a couple of days ago. they were here to criticise me. one said i should stop buying curry puffs 'cos i'm too fat, and the other one said i'm too long-winded because of my very long entry. you know the one with lotsa sub-headings? yep, she was referring to that one. WAHAHA! ;)

YAY!

ahh! forked out money to cab to school again this morning! damn it. well, tried to catch lila at the bus stop but she already went off. in school, there was only shirley. she just came too, alone. phiney was gonna be late. so yep, passed the present to linlin. honestly speaking, i was very excited about giving him that bag. i don't know, maybe because i wanna see how happy, or shocked or whatever he is. LOL. after a few minutes he came back and gave me a HUGE 'WALAO' as a thank you, and of course rubbing my cheeks too. okay, he was obviously shocked. =) know why? 'cos i made him BELIEVE that it was gone! WAHAHA! and you know what? me, lila and cry went on saturday to buy the LAST PIECE! :)

blah blah to all the lessons except for english. mrs. aidil was not bad at all. although she can creep me out sometimes. =D anyway, after school i went to find mrs. chow while they were having chinese remedial. the gang went separate ways after that. me and lila went to mac and ate! AHH! but we swore that we are not gonna eat dinner! =D yep, the guys went to play pool again. as usual. :)

i believe that sometimes you put the person last because you care for him the most. so,
HAPPY BIRTHDAY to MISTER CUTECUTE- the one with the most contagious laugh, ever.
without the bitter, the sweet ain't sweet enough.
'cos we shared it all; the laughter, the angst, the anger, the comfort, the frustration, and the happiness.
<3

catching up!

here's to my very long break from blogging.
basically, life is all the same. except for a few things.

watched 2 movies on the 19th. this was because we actually planned to watch this movie before the holidays. and then one by one, everyone backed out 'cos they had something to do. and so, only lila and i were left. the movie was cute, yours, mine, ours. :)
and then after that me and hanlin watched v for vendetta. okay, that movie totally rocks.

back to school the next day. frankly, everyone hasn't got enough of the holidays. one week's far too short!

went for a cloning thingy at mdis. kinda boring, and interesting at the same time. saw one of the most absent-minded professor, who remembered to put on his shirt and trousers but not his shoes. and of course, one of the most confident woman professor i've ever seen, with charisma and wits! and did i mention that she smokes?

the guys have found their new love! bored from dota, they are now starting to fall for something else, POOL. but uhm, they still haven't forgotten their dota. =D

flea market! it was on for only three days. how stupid! and that tako lady pissed me off! there was miscommunication because of the language barrier!

too kiddy to be eighteen, our plan of trying to go in an M-18 movie has failed. okay, hanlin was blaming me and i was blaming him! WAHAHA! now look who's the kid! =D so instead, we watched dorm. not bad. and we didn't have to pay for another ticket. the nice lady helped us change our tickets. i don't know what made her do that, but it's either she believed that we are 18, or she was just plain nice. :) or maybe both. :)

mr er was sick for a week! and that means we had many many free english periods. that was almost for the whole week! and you know what that means? endless noise here and there with lila and cry! :)

chermaine has a new phone! so happy for her. anyway, she bought it 'cos she was bored with her old one. and and, do you know that her old phone still looks brand new even though she's been using it for like 2 YEARS?! can you imagine that? HAHA! :)

badminton for PE. had so much fun. played with cry, cor and maine. :) everyone's arms were hurting after that. mine's including my ass. like, so weird!

while chermaine has the luxury of enjoying her phone, i had to surrender mine to my brother. this is the effect of letting my bill explode last month, and last last month, and last last last, and last last last last, and um, i can't remember when i had a normal phone bill. =D anyway, i'm just gonna pretend that I DON'T CARE and i'm not gonna mourn on my phone like before. can't see any point in doing that. 'cos by not having a phone they can't pester me when i'm out. ahh, THEY JUST SUCK, totally!

sports day games are on! frisbee was superb! chempaka had lila and ley in the team. and chempaka won all the way! YAY! i don't know about handball and street bandy, but chempaka's basketball is like totally bad. WAY bad. wonder who's gonna win the house games. :)

okay, here's something really very UNCOOL. half of the english class will be handled by mrs aidil! OMG! and guess how lucky i can get. i'm inside that group. like WOW. just got this news today from mr er. damn it. my conduct's gonna be bad for the rest of the year. AHH!

and and, here's the HOT one! but i can't say anything else except i know something that you guys don't know! mwahaha! EVIL ME! that's all. GOSSIPS are so so INTERSTING! ;)

so yep, i hope i didn't miss out anything. :) this is such a long long entry. i don't know if you guys even bothered reading. but if you did, thanks for bearing with me. :)

THAT'S ALL.
and can i just say,
I LOVE MY GIRLFRIENDS!
I LOVE MY SWEETHEARTS!
last but definately not the least,
I LOVE MY HIM!

they rock my world.

damn, i miss him. :(

HAPPY FUCKALOADS!

oh. my sis' birthday this sunday. WISH HER HAPPY BIRTHDAY OKAY? :)
and and, daddy and bro's coming back tomorrow. dang. less freedom. :(
anyhow, going out on sunday after lunching out with my fam. watching yours, mine, ours with lotsa lotsa people. :) lila cut her hair. wonder how she looks like. ley phiney and cry too.
hmm, i don't think i need a haircut now, do i? if i keep cutting my hair, it'll never grow as long as before. damn i miss my long long hair. :(

dear hair,
please grow longer. please please please i beg you. 'cos i really miss you! :( please grow faster. if you do i'll love you more. REALLY! ;) anyway, i also want to perm my hair. 'cos if you grow faster i may be perming with cry after o's. HAHA! so grow faster okayokay? :)
love,
your miss nothing-better-to-do.

snickers! ;D
okay. i'm really fucking happy. i shall tell you guys this again.
I'M FRIGGIN' HAPPY! FUCKING OVERJOYED! MWAHAHAA!
I'M FREE FROM THOSE BITTER GROSS STUFFS! YAY YAY YAY!
I LOVE EVERYONE! WAHAHAHA!

good and bad.

i'll start off with sunday.
it was the 12th, and our 3months! did the usual thing- towning. we kinda went magic crazy that day. bought lotsa booster packs! :) ate at yoshinoya too, watched final destination. it was GROSS. oh, and went to popular to buy assessment books. goshh, i really really need to work hard this year. UGH! STUDYING IS LIKE SO SO BORING. :( borders is having a sale! :) buy 2 books and get the 3rd book for free, or something like that. saw many many gm-ians too! genia, hy jie, tl, bel, kelvin, blahhs. :)

monday was like school day. had to go to school for chem and bio. luckily i didn't take geog. i would have died in there anyway. after bio was art, til around 2 plus or 3? and then we headed to mac for a LONG chat. missed those times when after school, we'd rush to mac and talk till like, 7 plus or 8? or even longer! yep, miss the fun during sec 1 and 2. :( wonder why we can have endless and endless of subjects to chat about. in that case, 4 years wouldn't be enough!

more people didn't come on tuesday. everyone is so sick and tired of school, like DUH. there were only the 4 of us for the whole day- maine, cor, lila and me. those two bitches were worse! din't come for bio and went for training instead! tsk tsk. NAUGHTY GIRLS. for crystal's case, it's acceptable 'cos skipping chem and attending the actual lesson is so much of the same. (the four of us stayed at mac while the class was having chem lessons!) and she wouldn't care less bout geog. =p after that, had a nap at his place and headed to the hospital.

doc said i'm a brave girl! and i found something funny, somewhere in my documents where they wrote jurvia is in fact quite happy to be photographed but we told her this wouldn't be necessary. NAH you wouldn't understand. i'm like a PHENOMENON you see. doctors all over the world are actually dying to see me! WAHAHA!

as for yesterday, went to his place first, and then rushed to meet my bro and sis for early dinner. was supposed to eat at genki sushi but it was their STUPID PEST CONTROL DAY so we had to eat at pastamania instead. INDEED A PEST! we had a great time chatting though. :) headed to his place again to catch up on my accounts. YAY! stayed till 9. lucky me 'cos my 2nd brother's not in singapore. =D

okay, i don't know how sometimes, i could think that it's funny that i got it, and then just sort of move on. but sometimes i really can't 'cos i can't help but think, WHY ME?
I SHOULDN'T BE HAVING THIS, SUBSEQUENTLY TAKING STUFFS THAT ARE BAD FOR ME AND AT THE SAME TIME, GOOD. I SHOULDN'T. :(

when will this end, when there is no ending?
I'M JUST A KID!

okay. out the whole day. very very boring.
AHH! anyway, i'm looking forward to school tomorrow! :)

HANLIN ROCKS!

cor&lila's bday outing!

it's a birthday celebration cum gathering today for the gang.
first was ice skating, but was cancelled due to overcrowding.
and then marina. both bowling and arcade were cancelled. too late for the movie, walked around, and we finally decided to go town. OH PLEASE, HOW 'ORIGINAL'. TOWNING AGAIN after walking around the whole of singapore. haha!

okay, split cabs. the ones on my side were the ones who thought of burgers as the birthday cake, and we also took the trouble in finding the candles 'cos we can't find them anywhere! well, we finally got FREE ones at k-box. gave them a surprise at e-max. :)

watched corpse bride and surfed the net awhile. went home around 8. yeahh.

happy birthday
corrie&lila!


what am I supposed to do
with all these blues?
haunting me, everywhere, no matter what I do..

just because i can, and because i need to explode every so often and take my own shit out.
and then while gently releasing all the anxiety, the fear, the anger, the pain, i have to be PUNISHED, PUNISHED and BRUISED.

in reality, i am nothing more but a fairy tale,
except i'm not so beautiful.

birthday. :)

today spent almost the whole time with my girls. BEACH TIME LADIES!
corrie, jasmine, cheryl, yanyi, chermaine, lila, huifen, phiney, ley, cry and birthday girl! :)

we headed to the beach, wayne and michelle were there too. we played in the water, swam and swam and swam. we took turns to kayak, and played monkeymonkey too! :) frisbee, volleyball, followed by burying that stupid jasmine. we made her really BIG BOOBS as in HUMUNGOUS ones! wayne dare not touch it. haha :) and so after that swam awhile again, wayne and her girl went off first. everyone was tired so we went to shower. the toilet's queue was damn long so jasmine, ley, phiney and i showered outside. :) some ate at 7-eleven, and that was when they gave the birthday present! wanna know what it is?? it's the shoe that i LOVE! my LOVE-AT-FIRST-SIGHT SHOE! AHH! and they gave me a bag too! :) so after that, off we went to harbourfront. corrie, chermaine, lila and jasmine went off first.

at harbourfront we shopped a lil particularly me and yanyi while they ordered food at pastamania. okay, me, ley and phiney bought RINGS that costs only $3 something! AHH! cheap, compared to the crown ring phiney & i love, which costs $19.90 and it's nice too! :) i find that my shopping skill is getting better and better, meaning that i'm becoming more extravagant. =D anyway, i went off first. yanyi sent me to the taxi stand. oh that sweet girl. :)

thank you my dears for making everything so special. I LOVE YOU GUYS TO BITS! MWAHS! ;)
and huifen, REALLY THANKS FOR COMING! =D
-------------

she hugged her knees close to her chest, rocking back and forth, crying in her heart.

she looked at the the sea.
the waves kept on pushing her further and further. and when she leans to get close to it, it unfailingly tries to push her back. that is you and me.

she sat there, quietly. and then suddenly she began to sink because the sand was flowing downhill. as she sank and sank, the bits of sand and debris poked her. it ached, but the pain was slow. and yes, that is you and me.

and then there was a time she threw the sand in the air opposite her direction. often a times the wind blew so hard it gets to her face, which wasn't what she wanted in the first place. the wind constantly blowing, and the sand scattering everywhere. yes again, that's you and me.

can you tell me? can you tell me why the clouds are sometimes so far apart, that you'll think they won't ever get back together? and then sometimes they're so close you'll think they'll never be parted by anything natural, not even the wind? wind that is so unpredictable. wind that can blow them apart and blow them back. why? can you tell me?

and why?
i want to know.
'cos that's you and me.

and then she told herself something:
'tomorrow will be a better day.'
a palpable lie, she now thinks.

everyone's gonna hurt you sooner or later. you just have to decide who's worth going through the pain.
you're one of them.

and all i could do
was to cry myself to sleep.

i thought they said,
'nothing is more painful then realising you hurt the one you truly care about' ?

i think i should be singing this song instead of happy birthday to myself.

i wish i could be
every little thing you wanted
all the time
sometimes.
but i get the starngest feeling that you've gone away..

you're just playing them up in your mind.
NOTHING of what i do and intend to do is fabricated.

oh what a sad birthday :(

if you were to take a walk with your love, would you choose the straight road with nothing to see, nothing to stop for, and reach the end quickly without facing any obstacles, or would you choose to take a winding road, and do a few detours before sitting down for a talk and not want to reach the end forever?

SURPRISE! :)

the first thing that made my day was none other than my dearest huiyi jie. :) she passed me something, which is actually from her tL and her. and that thing is a necklace! ahh! okay, IT IS ABSOLUTELY PRETTY! :) thank you so so much!
chinese passed by slowly, and maths too but the time during art was pretty fast. and then there was recess. it was then followed by two periods of english, where i sat with my darling yanyi. :) and then bio's lesson was a gust of wind. accounts seemed like a drag, making me feel like that 1 hour would last forever. anyway, after that was guides. at first i really really felt ignored. and the feeling sucked TOTALLY. and then i finally joined them, and i sort of tortured the juniors. hmm, i'm mean i know. I'M REALLY SORRY GUYS. REALLY AM! :( then this is the part that really got me. tina asked me to go to the canteen with her, and then go to the toilet, where she spent almost like forever in there, and then when we got back in the den, SOMEONE SPRAYED ME! ahh! and i got totally stunned and i just stood there like a complete idiot, like i was a prey, waiting to be eaten alive! and then yep, i was standing there like AN IDIOT, and it suddenly dawned into me that TINA WAS ACTUALLY IN CAHOOTS WITH THEM! and yeah, my sort of good-bad day was made into this..

my guides family, well not all of them though. but this is about how many people GANGED UP on me. HAHA! of course, plus delvinder, isabel, jane, huiyi, and not forgetting MY TWO F-CKING BITCHES, shirley &delphine. 'cos they showered me with water, and i was soaking wet with cream all over my body. but oh well, they got sweet revenge from me. lol! :)

and my beautiful cake, from very beautiful people! :)
this cake is actually one of the sweetest i got. 'cos the flowers on top, which is actually white chocolate, are shaped into TULIPS! yep, and the cream is thick! exactly what i wanted. :)

oh and yep, thanks to john too. :)
thank you very much for the cd. got the songs which i actually like very much! :)

THANK YOU EVERYONE, FOR MAKING THIS DAY ONE OF A MEMORABLE ONES. :)
LOVE YA PEEPS. <3

not too late.

didn't go to school. wasn't feeling well the last night. it was all so sudden, i felt weak and i can't sleep. i don't know why. :(

was on the phone, and then he sang me a song. it was nice, honest. it made me fall asleep. :)
'cos he's always there when i need him.

finding something so precious like this makes me feel like a winner. that i found something by myself without asking for anyone's help.
what you said is true. achieving something with your own hardwork and nothing else is the best.

here it is, my love for you.
to show how much i love you,
and how much you love me.

the lyrics aren't the ones that shows how much i love you.
it's the song itself.

blood, sweat and tears.

maths lesson, com lab.

HEY!
we're in the computer lab now. :)
okay, just wanna update 'cos didn't get a chance to update yesterday.
anyway, yesterday we had art remedial. damn it. was tricked by them twice or thrice. GRR. haha! :) after that me, lili and cry went to the market to eat. FINALLY ate my tomyam! :) yep, after that went home.

and then for today, we had to come here at 6.30AM okay! just for guides and scouts day. we do this every year you see. hmm, then nothing else really happened la. :)

damn. we have chem test today and i don't know a single thing. :( sigh*

weekend fun! :)

twas a good weekend!
marche with my family plus atsi claire on saturday night. hanlin didn't go though 'cos he has basketball training AND was playing dota with his friends (DUH!) that night. the food was delicious and i had a sip of some alchohol from my sis. like WOW? lucky me? they wouldn't even wanna let me buy. even though the bartender guy kinda offered me some ('cos according to him i look like 19 or 20.) damn. well anyway, neoprints after that with the whole family and it was funny 'cos we were like squezzing our asses on the stupid sofa. well unfortunately we couldn't really fit but we had a few nice shots. :)
sunday was pink panther with my precious and FINALLY a neoprint after pestering him to take FOR MONTHS. yes. the outcome was nice, except for one where i made a very very stupid face, which made that particular shot damn UGLY. and guess what? we picked that one too and I HAVE NO IDEA WHY. sheesh. but anyway, it was okay. :)

damn. there's like, accounts and english test tomorrow, chemistry test on wednesday, maths and social studies tests on thursday. damn. and oh, i had a test on chinese today. AHH!

okay. chermaine is so so so so so so sweet as in really really sweet. she bought us this cute keychain or whatever, so the 7 of us actually has one! :) isn't she sweet? :)

my baby taught me accounts today, but only the basics. but it's okay. :) gonna learn more the next time. :)

ahh! their having their campcraft competition now i guess. hope they can do well. good luck to them! :)

went doc's yesterday. i'm much better i guess? gonna check it out on the 17th next month. okay. this is really sickening. appointment dates are on 7th, 14th and 17th next month. really sickening. AHH! god HELP ME!

okay, gonna eat at marche later. YUMMY! marche rocks! can't wait! :)

blah.

hello people! haven't been updating. hmm..
12feb watched fun with dick and jane with my honhon. yep, then played games at the arcade. did't really do much that day.

13feb went out with my darlings to cine. there was me yanyi and the blu-tack. hunted for that idiot's present like hell! blahss. ate at kfc. me and shirley were like so stupid. :)
the guy at the left looks scary and that one at the right looks so so funny!
shirley! i'm NOT tarzan! neither am i jane! :) LOL!

14feb it's VALENTINES!
okay.. first things first. went to school with my sister by cab 'cos lili went to pass something to cry. dropped at somewhere 'cos she wanted to buy her milk tea. i dragged her to the market after that to buy our curry puffs. yep! and so coincidentally, my honeybunch was also there! :) yep, my stupid sister left us alone and then we walked together to school. it was still early so i was sitting alone with the bunch of guys at the side. hmm, and then after awhile there came a voice that said eyy hanlin! help me out! or something like that. it was YONGLIANG! the FLOWERMAN! wahaha! ya.. and i have nothing to do so i said eyy hanlin! for me arh? wahaha! i know i'm thick-skinned but ahh. anyway, what he said wasn't yep! for you my sweetheart! happy valentines day but instead it was no! of course not! this is for another girl! wahaha! okay, he was just joking okay. and then after a minute he gave me the flowers! AHH! that was the moment that's like, so so so so so so so so SWEET! ahh! as in really okay! AHH! he made me float and fly to the moon! i passed his present too. hope he likes it. :)
okay. lessons as usual. after recess my friends and i exchanged flowers. :) aren't we the sweetest clique? :) anyway, we were like mad girls okay. we kept screaming while trying to pick lots. haha! okay, in the end i got shirley's and shirley got mine. blah! i wanted corrie's 'cos her's is a tulip but in the end, phiney got it! AHH! my gosh! anyway, it's okay. :)
well, there was art after school. after art we waited for weijian and then that was the time we set off. went town, ate at sakae. queue was damn long. it was already kinda late i guess. BLAH! ate lots okay. blah blah. then went home by cab.
just wanna say..
thankyousomuchforeverything.
iloveyou. <3
'cos even the teeny-weeny bit of thing that you do like giving me a tube of purple mentos that morning, or even giving me a strepsil a day. yep, the smallest things that you do is like the many million smiles that you give me. :)

15feb red cross home. the people there were very very sick. some people cried. we sang songs for them and blew bubbles. we even wrote a note for one of them. :) i really really hope they enjoyed what we've done for them. i really really hope they get well.

16feb singapore discovery center. boring and very limited food! sleepy. BLAH! okay. my honey passed me the humongous baby taz. it was supposed to be his valentines day present for me but it was too big for him to bring to school so yeah. SWEET! :)

aorta is the artery that carries away the blood from the heart to all parts of the body.
okay i'm being lame. =D

horrible.

sometimes i really hate everything. not that there isn't anything wonderful i have. it's just that sometimes, somedays, my life seems so fucked up.

woke up this morning feeling restless and exhausted despite the fact that i had 8hours (or more) of undisturbed sleep. waited so so long for a stupid cab while carrying my heavy heavy bag. social studies test, with noisy shh's all over the place. for your info my dears, i really really hate it when i hear shh's. tsk's are so much better than that! it's just so annoying!

okay, this is what really pissed me off. as in, totally!
there was supposed to be a guides meeting, and we had to wait for 1 1/2 hour and look for one single person! that one very important person didn't turn up in the end! argh! seriously i'm really really damn pissed off. i mean, i waited for so long, feeling so restless and my back aching like hell. yes, you can blame me for being such a grandma but this is me. am i at fault just because of that one thing?

ahh, but there are still other things nice about today. one thing is having my friends, with their silly and cute and lively way of having fun. :) and of course the sotong who never fails to cheer me up when i'm down.

ya, that's all. but still quite sad about many things. :(

you're beautiful.

shabby & elegant.
rude & polite.
simple & gorgeous.

heartbreaking & sweet.
mind-numbing & charming.
mysterious & exposed.
mundane & spectacular.

ordinary & extraordinary.

that's what you are to me. :)

every little thing-

smiles masquerading tears;

grimaces masquerading fears.

you know, love can be beautiful with all the scars and flaws.
it's just how you make them out to be.

; but I get the strangest feeling that you've gone away-

i was not prepared enough
to fall so deep in love
this is not your ordinary
no ordinary love

'cos YOU'RE EVERY LITTLE THING I WANTED,
ALL THE TIME.

day out.

hello people! yesterday i went to watch i not stupid 2 with lila, wenjie, yanyi, roger, yanping and melvin. it was fun, though we watched the very first show. 10.20 show okay! it was all our first time to wake up so early just to watch a movie. we watched the early one 'cos wenjie has tuition in the afternoon.

the movie was nice. IT MADE LILI CRY. wahaha! such a cry baby. WAHAHA! just kidding. anyway, after the movie me and lili went to buy my stuffs for awhile. I BOUGHT MY COFFIN PENCILCASE ALREADY! yay! then we went to the foodcourt to eat lunch.

after lunch we took some neos. IT WAS SO FUNNY! one of the neo, i made the eyes super big and everyone else looks so so funny ESPECIALLY MELVIN! HAHA! everyone was laughing like hell. and and, lili looks so funny too 'cos her mouth was open, then i made her mouth super big! like, twice the size okay! WAHAHA! fun!

we went to the arcade after that. :) played racing and others. wow! wenjie is so pro okay! he beat me in racing! wahh! but too bad melvin beat him. haha! melvin is a pro gamer man. ;) played the air hockey too. so funny, and FUN! :)

i'm now at sotong's place. :) gonna accompany him cut hair later. okay! till then people! TOODLES! :)

guess what people? i didn't go batam!
haha! oh and, my sotong's sick. poor him. :(

I try to smile my tears away,
I try to keep my cool.
But one more door gets in my way
I feel like such a fool
Trampled and bitter,
My heart just wants to bleed and stop
Believing in me.

i struggled to keep myself sane. i swear i did, i swear.
the air around me seems to be getting heavier and heavier. breathing now seems like a chore.

why is it that it will never ever cross your mind that all this love's true? why?
and why is it that even if you're still caught up by the past, you want to drag me into that dreadful hole? why is it that you want to bury me deeper and deeper into that thing i put behind for so long, and you look as if like you wanna shove it up my ass. i mean, what the hell? AHH NEVERMIND.

maybe i'm going to batam tomorrow for lunch with my family. damn. sometimes i really really hate my mother. my brother too. AHH!

NOTHING'S GONNA CHANGE MY LOVE FOR YOU. <3

If I had to live my life without you near me,
my days would all be empty,
my nights would seem so long.
With you I see forever oh so clearly,
I might have been in love before,
but it never felt this strong.

Our dreams are young and we both know,
they'll take us where we want to go.
Hold me now, touch me now,
I don't want to live without you.

Nothing's gonna change my love for you,
you ought to know by now how much I love you.
One thing you can be sure of,
I'll never ask for more than your love.

Nothing's gonna change my love for you,
you ought to know by now how much I love you.
The world may change my whole life through,
but nothing's gonna change my love for you.

If the road ahead is not so easy,
our love will lead the way for us,
like a guiding star.
I'll be there for you if you should need me,
you don't have to change a thing.
I love you just the way you are.
So come with me and share the view,
I'll help you see forever too.
Hold me now, touch me now.
I don't want to live without you.

Nothing's gonna change my love for you,
you ought to know by now how much I love you.
One thing you can be sure of,
I'll never ask for more than your love.

Nothing's gonna change my love for you,
you ought to know by now how much I love you.
The world may change my whole life through,
but nothing's gonna change my love for you.

just believe.

if you say that actions speak louder than words, and that what you see in me clashes in what i say, here's to you-

take my hand, we'll walk awhile, we'll talk awhile.
feel my love, always there beside you.
be the one, i know you'll tell me everything.
you are the one i cherish more than anything.
i love you more than you'll ever know.
i love you more than you'll ever see.
more than my heart could ever show.
i love you more than you'll ever know.

'cos sometimes you just have to believe. remember the magic card you gave me? it says there that if you believe in me, then i'll believe in you. that's how love works too. trust me, and we'll make this thing work out.

anyway, to the people out there, i've uploaded some pictures in this blog. just go to portfolio to look at it. i'll upload the others when i'm free again. till then. tata!

sweep out the jam.

insomia got to me. restless but my mind so anxious about everything.
ahh! it's like, we're just inviting paranoia into our open arms. so tell me, why do these two hearts always collide?

yes, my heart is filled with fear. fear has conquered my life, and all my life i've been living with this mind-breaking fate of having to be scared of the consequeces in my everyday routines.

but truth be told, you are one that can send me on cloud nine. that will always, and i mean ALWAYS be a fact no matter how much more you believe in yourself and your mind that never says "LOOK AHEAD" :(

walk away.

i wish i could smile and pretend everything's alright, tap all cheery stuff on my keyboard. everything seems so wrong.

i'm not pissed. just sad 'cos it's happening again.
and then you just get so so outraged, and i don't know where it all came from. :(

sometimes you ought to know,
that i always have to see you go.

rain-

when it rains, the soft grey sky drifts to the ground.
rain that washes the sadness away.

next week's shit:
homeworks &homeworks.
tests &tests.
UGH!

the other half.

you were just a dream that i once knew and i never thought i would be right for you. i just can't compare you with anything in this world, 'cos you're i need to be with forevermore.

silly dancing was fun. especially when you can sing along. twirling too, i love that.
we slow danced, like those fairy tales when they dance under the stars. <3

today was different though. i went crazy. i just kept dancing, sort of making stupid steps. ahh, it was insane even when i think about it. HAHA! but real fun. maybe i should try that again.

i don't treasure the things that i have. and so now it's gone. flew like a bird in a cage, waiting to be free. but sometimes good things come from bad ones. that's why even if i made that little, or maybe you call that big mistake, it isn't that much so painful already. time flew, but i still have you. :)

falling apart?

first week's over.
well, our schedule wasn't that hectic. not yet. but it's already kinda busy because of the homeworks and upcoming tests. i've missed on a lot, really. i'll just have to catch up.

okay, we don't hang out like we used to already. i don't know why but things aren't the way i want them to be. well, not everything but yes, most of it. it's falling apart. how did we even fall into this trap? we spent, say, three years enclosing ourselves in this circle. so where is it now? i thought this was what we wanted; days filled with subjects of endless laughter.

what really makes me smile is the way different people like us can bond. but why is it that i feel so terrified, like i'm losing something that i put almost half my life in? :(

brand new.

new year's eve's over. the fun's over. or so maybe i didn't really have fun.
family dinner again at my house. my cousins just came back from their holidays. the house was obviously lively. was supposed to go for countdown but decided not to go in the end since it's quite dangerous for me to do so. aww, i missed all the fun they had! the new year would have been fun if i went there too! :(

anyway, a year's gone again. i've felt all the emotions anyone can get- happiness, confusion, regret, joy, anguish, sorrow, pain, everything you can ever imagine. it's all there. days sometimes felt like years, but a year just felt like a snap. and although half of it sucked, the other half was overpowered by showers of love and joy. but honestly, there too was a mixture of memories that i thought would happen again. yes, i knew i was dreaming. though sometimes i can't help but decieve myself. ahh, but all that meant to me will eventually be a memory. a memory of a time when i tried so hard, and got so far. but in the end, it doesn't even matter.
---,
there was a screw up. hotel rendezvous changed to some hot pot restaurant. but it was delicious too. shopping with my sister, ended up shedding tears on a dress. how bad can that get? aww, but i was sort of given a consolation prize. globetrotter's platter with milkshake, plus a big plate of baby back ribs. every bone just for me! yep, on the house! people are so sweet nowadays. :)

okay, i've been eating like an absolute pig since the hols have started. thank god schools reopening, or maybe i'll take back my words. damn. 2 more days to school. eww.
---
there were little things that i failed to recognise. i failed to recognise that i was actually in love with the little things that were once ammunition against a long desired goal, a forever lasting hope. in my lifetime i have never felt loved, i have never felt adored, i have never felt wanted.