life's a bitch.

never will i enjoy the cool showers from the sky. never will it wash away my sorrows. NEVER.

it's like, the rain is part of my life. i run so fast trying to get away from it even if i love the water clinging onto my shirt. and no matter how soaked i am i never ever complained about it. or sometimes i would just stroll down the street, water all over my body. it's just rain. and the rain brings me joy. but now it's totally different already. it's not just the rain anymore. because even if i love the rain, i can never feel the water running down my skin again. :(

sound so sad huh? yep, of course it is. it's a sad sad story. and IT'S MINE.

and yeah, i bet no one understands.
you certainely won't.
YOU DON'T REALLY KNOW ME.

crapster.

okay. i shall stop all this crap.
the crap that i started about TAN LI HUI and FAM WEI JIAN.

they will NEVER get married. oh this is just so sad 'cos i've always wanted to be a bridesmaid and now i can't be one because my FANTASY of them getting married is all shattered. ugh! i'll just have to take this hard hard thing and go on with my life. and for that, i also shall stop mentioning about them being together. :(

WAHAHA!
how's that for good crapping?

gamed at his place again yesterday. cabbed to ghim moh. dropped him at queenstown for his dota session with the guys. fetched lili from holland, then bought all our school stuffs. pasa malam at ghim moh. lots and lots of food! ahh! hmm, ate lunch/dinner there.

home. then off to cine to watch narnia. i must say, it's a GOTTA-WATCH-MOVIE! :)

died.
faded.
wasted.
LIES-

declaration of UNCERTAIN marriage. LOL!

okay. i DECLARE that
IF tan lihui and fam weijian are to get married,
I'M GONNA BE THEIR BRIDESMAID!

wahaha! ya, and not in my dreams lili. =D

wanna say things back? feel free to write it out in your blog, lili.
now isn't our blog LIVELIER like this?
WAHAHA!

ps. here's to you hons.

i hope i'm not living in a dream.
if i am, then i would like to wake up with you by my side.
that's all i want for my life and nothing more.
if not you, then there'll be nobody.
if not now, then it will never be.
if not in this lifetime, then i'll never be born again,
for it will take generations just to find you.

<3 :)

here's for the yuletide:

alright. christmas eve was just a family dinner at home. the presents were cool. :)

christmas, there were some complications at first. well, went to church with jas, phiney &cry. blahs. the guys were there too. the carnival looked fun. but oh crap, too many people. was supposed to go jp. sorry cry &phiney for pangseh-ing. :(

anyway, after the guys PLAYED METEORITE AND DRANK SHARKS FIN WITHOUT ME, we went off. the guys wanted to go home. in the train, it was so so funny! HAHA! tried to strip hL's clothes. WAHAHA! it was so squeezy in the train that jizhong's butt kept touching hanLin's hand. or maybe it's just the other way around. PERVERTS. when it was really really squeezy, they were pushing each other. and because the guys were pushing, i accidentally pushed the girl in front of me! =D

went town with that MONKEY. played around.
saw HUIYI AND ---. aww. :)
MERRY CHRISTMAS! :)

fixed.

now i know, why THAT night the air seemed dull. why even the most important people in my life couldn't bring even just a spark to the dark gray sky.

DARKNESS. lifeless creatures surrounded me. ALONE.
i should've figured that there was something amiss, that there was something wrong.
but too bad i can't stop deceiving myself.

now it's all over.
the puzzle's fixed.
there's nothing more to see.
just cuts of unwanted pain.

NO ONE knows.
DON'T JUDGE.

go on, live with tears and pain.

When I look into your eyes, I can see a love restrained.
But darlin' when I hold you don't you know I feel the same?
'Cause nothing lasts forever, and we both know hearts can change.
And it's hard to hold a candle in the cold November rain.
We've been through this such a long long time, just tryin' to kill the pain.
-
We're caught in a trap.
I can't walk out, because I love you too much baby.
Why can't you see what you're doing to me,
when you don't believe a word I say?
We can’t go on together with suspicious minds,
and we can’t build our dreams on suspicious minds.
So if an old friend I know drops by to say hello,
would I still see suspicion in your eyes?
Here we go again, asking where we've been.
You can’t see these tears are real, I'm crying.
Oh let our love survive, or dry the tears from your eyes.
Let's don’t let a good thing die,
when honey, you know I'll never lie.

shopping &the girls.

met the girls this afternoon. went christmas shopping with them.
met corrie, phiney&ley first at heeren. walked around first. we saw this gorgeous ring, a crown ring with sparkles all over. costs $19.90. damn expensive. thought of buying together with phiney&ley but nah, too bad. :(

about to leave heeren when we happened to pass by fossil. phiney&ley took their cotton candy while corrie&i took a look at the wallets. MY WALLET IS AVAILABLE AGAIN! AHH! I WANT IT! but aww, i din't buy it though. still have to buy other people's presents. saw a jewelry case. of course i bought it! it was nice&affordable! not for me] :)

body shop's having a sale. perfume too. not for me again!] :)

taka was next, cry&trish were there already. shopped. we split into 3 groups, 'cos there's an exchange presents session tomorrow for them. they can't possibly know each other's presents. i was with cry by the way. :) we chatted, and together we groaned because of feet sore. back with them again after that.

ate at mos burger, havta wait for seats! AHH! crystal went off to meet her sis, and i went to fox. BOUGHT MY SHORTS FINALLY! yay yay! bought it bought it! :) corrie left to BUY HER NEW CELL PHONE! ahh! so envious of her. haha! NOKIA 7---. i forgot the unit. anyway, walked to wisma to buy something again. hL&gang were at orchard too. too bad we din't meet up. :(

walked all the way to cine after that. played arcade games for awhile, and i went home. tired. FEET'S SORE. shopping's fun though.
i was like, carrying a luggage when i went home. so many things to carry and they were SO HEAVY!
maine's in thailand. not gonna spend christmas with her this year. :(

ahh! i wanna go for the sleepover tomorrow at cry's sis' house. can't. :( having christmas family dinner. and IF I BROUGHT $50 MORE TODAY I COULD"VE BOUGHT MY WALLET! AHH! OH YA! I SAW THIS HUMONGOUS, CUTE TAZ STUFFED DOLL! IT'S REALLY DAMN BIG OKAY! I WANT THAT TOO! $169. DAMN!

LILI DEAR just admit it. you two LOOKsweet&ACTsweet. just like a couple. fullstop! HAHA! me and sotong haven't even shared a pair of earrings and you two already did that! LOL! no excuse can cover this. LOL! it's called, "THE POWER OF LOVE". WAHAHA!
PHINEY stupid phiney! here's your "missed call &10 more missed calls". i tagged you too you know. :D see you on christmas!

oh and, what's with the caps again? i don't know myself.
i'm full of emphasis today.

sort-of proper post. :)

1. met up with my boybud ap, filled with super-fun shopping and laughter.
2. macaroni&creamy soup, with snowbaording fun at his place.
3. the warehouse opening.
4. christmas shopping, with chicken little in between.
5. uniform group meeting, followed by sweet love the rest of the day.

we held hands like it was the last night on earth
and by the pool with our legs entwined, sweet nottings filled the cool mysterious breeze of the night. but then, the mystery went gone, and it was all love that filled the air. <3

can't wait for christmas!

LILI! :)

YES YOU TWO ARE THE SWEETEST!
wahaha! sweeter than me n hL. omg, you two have the same billabong hat, and then now you two shared a pair of earring. aww, this is far beyond SWEET! lol!
and hL asked you when you and him are getting married is because you asked him first, REMEMBER? haha!

time after time.

i'm often a minute early and always a minute TOO late. i'm NEVER on time.
it's either i rush on things or i waste time.
i NEVER do the right things at the right time.
when will i?

though love sometimes hurt,
i still put you first
and we'll make this thing work.

bigBIGpride.

that night- last night, you made me realise there's actually so much more for me to learn. i antagonized you like no other and yes, it was because of my unspoken pride. my actions gave me away. i was sitting in the dark, trying to conceal my fears and weaknesses in the deepest recesses of my heart.

you were disappointed, so was i. still am.
the whole day i tried looking through my shadow. drawing conclusions too. it was hard, but you always have a point on everything you said. your perceptions are so much better than mine. and maybe you're super-duper right. it's really just because of my stupid pride. yep, my pride kills.

sorry. really am. :(

misses :(

i miss blogging. :(
i've nothing to blog about though.
still the same, rotting at home. except that i'm going for another appointment today. and a scan too to see if i'm okay. hope everything will be better. sick and tired of all those tablets! :(

miss hons. 3days and going. :(
hopefully can meet up tomorrow if everything goes well.
miss miss you!

sweet stuff <3

i need you when i'm in trouble
i need you when i'm happy
and i need you when you're sad.

aww.. sweet? :)

DELIGHT!

aww.. i'm so happy!

it's US now. US.
loves ya hons. <3

;- if love is ice cream and cake and chocolate,
we'd definately be fat by now.
'cos oh our love is just so sweet. :)

you missed, i missed.

prison was fine in some ways like, when i was visited everyday by my loved ones. particularly ley, phiney, cry, jasmine and sotong. other people came too. there were times when pain accompanied me day and night, not wanting to go. though i could've bawled my eyes out everyday, it turned out to be the opposite thanks to my buddies and my love. :) missed out on lotsa things though, like shopping and fine delicacies. of course, not forgetting the chalet for chermaine's birthday and the steamboat too. :(
oh, and who would forget the tender loving care that the nurses and doctors gave me. particularly amanda mummy, nisa, rimma, nadia, mabel, choh hoon and of course chin siah. :)
thank you guys, really. :)

2days after being contented at home, i managed to have a peaceful lunch outside with my honey after a meeting. supposed to go home but i didn't want to so i hung out in school while they're preparing their rod stuffs. sad enough, their barbeque started so i headed home. missed him much that day. :(

harry potter was hit and hot this season. we didn't wanna miss it so a whole buncha guys and girls came out to catch the movie. there were me, yping, roger, lili, cry, jas, melvin, jian, hL, beng and xue zhi. movie was fine, the seats were sucky. after walking around we finally went to meet ley and phiney. the rest went home so there was cry me and the blu-tack left. a lil while later i went home
.

it was bugis 2days after that. was with ley&phiney for awhile, and then off to orchard for dinner with honey. kfc again, walked, crapped, took snapshot of us and witnessed the wonderful christmas lights that hung around the place. fun. :)

missed claudia's birthday bbq. the following day met up with hL first. played the snowboard game, followed by queensway for game shopping. wei jian came along too. met up with lili at tiong's kfc. crapped, ate at the foodcourt. weijian was HOT that day. hah! went around, tried on a pretty pretty skirt, but failed to buy it. tried out lots and lots of shorts, but failed to fit me perfectly. lili and jian were made fun for being so so SWEET that day. buying a pair of earrings and sharing it. aww, ISN'T THAT JUST SO SWEET. haha! bought final fantasy poker cards, he&i. :)

another 2days later, i was playing my snowbord game again. played with bobby&nike. it was enlightening 'cos only after a mere 2visits the dogs were all over me already. :) tiong again after that. we saw this really nice necklace. saving up! :)

yesterday was jasmine's day. there was bbq at ghim moh. snowboarding again before that and then a few of us struggled on a jigsaw before celebrating. lotsa them came. too bad the guys had night cycling. ate and ate, photos, crapped, played ball. went home after that with lili and wenjie. walked out with edwin and roger too.

fun. holidays are fun fun fun! :)

these the last verses that i write for her-

Tonight I can write the saddest lines.
Write, for example, "The night is shattered and the blue stars shiver in the distance."
The night wind revolves in the sky and sings.

Tonight I can write the saddest lines.
I loved her, and sometimes she loved me too.

Through nights like this one I held her in my arms.
I kissed her again and again under the endless sky.
She loved me, sometimes I loved her too.
How could one not have loved her great still eyes.

Tonight I can write the saddest lines.
To think that I do not have her. To feel that I have lost her.
To hear the immense night, still more immense without her.
And the verse falls to the soul like dew to the pasture.

What does it matter that my love could not keep her.
The night is shattered and she is not with me.
This is all.

In the distance someone is singing.
In the distance
My soul is not satisfied that it has lost her.
My sight searches for her as though to go to her.
My heart looks for her, and she is no longer with me.

The same night whitening the same trees.
We, of that time, are no longer the same.
I no longer love her, that's certain, but how much I have loved her.
My voice tried to find the wind to touch her hearing.

Another's.
She will be another's.

Like my kisses before.
Her voice, her bright body. Her infinite eyes.

I no longer love her, that's certain, but maybe I do love her.
Love is so short, forgetting is so long.
Because through nights like this one I held her in my arms.

My soul is not satisfied that it has lost her.
Though this be the last pain that she makes me suffer and these the last verses that I write for her.

-Pablo Neruda

alone with unwanted strangers.

i was alone that afternoon and for the entire night. right then and there i felt my knees trembling. i couldn't look up 'cos i don't want to see those faces again. the faces that gave humiliation and disgrace to my name and me. i was embarrased in front of many people whom i know only by names and faces. the laughter that filled the air was burning me yet i was so helpless. helpless enough to just bow my head down and accept the humiliation i recieved. i was alone, so alone. i didn't feel any of my friends there. i didn't feel anyone there. it felt like i was in a secluded place, trapped. where no one would care, no one would bother how much pain i'm feeling. and at that time i just wanted to run away as fast as i can, to find that person who would take me in his arm openly and will never push me away. i wish he was there. i wish you were there, sotong. :(

and it's not because she was there and she looked at me with her star-like eyes. it wasn't because he and she were there. it was all because of the past that i still could not forget. where it says down there when i walked down memory lane, that i was stupid enough to be decieved by you. the thing is, when she looked at me and i looked at her, i felt like the dumbest person in the world, looking into the person's eyes whom i've known long enough to sing praises about her, and not long enough to know who she really is. i've seen her, finally. i've seen the real her and not from just pictures. and i think i've had enough, 'cos i really couldn't take it anymore.

you're like the vampire, sucking all my blood from my veins.
taking all my strength from me, knowing so well that i'm weak.
you're the selfish vampire, the one who has left many scars in me.

you, YOU BASTARD.

too much hurt and too many lies. i've been naive enough to bluff my heart then, but now's different. i may not be stronger than before. i may still be that lil idiot who believed you. but never again will that happen. NEVER. i've let my feelings walk past me already. i'm never gonna let history repeat itself again. i'm never gonna put you back in my life agaiin. call me stupid. call me dumb. i don't fucking care anymore. 'cos you're fucking nobody to me in my life now.

i'm feeling so damn bad right now. not because of what i wrote up there, but because things just wouldn't go my way. the physical pain that i feel is so unbearable that once all my loved ones are not by my side, i just feel so down, so useless, so helpless. my heart, numb, caused by all the pain i feel everyday in my life. only in my sleep do i not feel the pain. only in my sleep do i have sweet dreams.
i feel like dying, like putting my life to an end but i know that i can never do that because i'm too weak to do so. i'm weak, so weak.
but thank you. thank you for being there for me. these people who are always by my side, the gang and of course, that sotong. :) thank you THANK YOU so SO much for being there for me.
and as for you, thank you so much for ruining my life. thank you. thank you so much for hurting me 'cos now i know what is real and what is not. THANK YOU, you BASTARD.

you; CRAZY FOR YOU.

so many things has happened.

i looked into those eyes
and i see love.
but i see something else.
something i cant define.

mild.

i'm so happy and not so happy sometimes. i don't know why too. i wonder on lotsa things like how it's gonna be, how he feels, 'cos honestly, i'm all vexed and i don't really know what he feels. i've so many things to ask him but i'm scared of what i might get. i'm really scared.

okay okay! yesterday we had our national day rehearsal. i'm the flag bearer again for this year. ahh! i don't know if i'm happy or sad but i think being in goh is almost the same. except that the five of us flag bearers will be the center of attraction once we come in. ahh! i'm so excited, i think? :D

actually, the flag bearers just kinda slacked yesterday 'cos we weren't really required to practice much. so yeah, i waited for np to finish, and then we went off.

to the market with lili and the guys for a drink. the guys were funny as usual, and blah blah. erm, one thing. i kinda made fun of xue zhi, and then he kinda answered me back. i punched his arm while he was eating his ice kacang or whatever and then it spilled all over the table. and guess what he did? he poured some of his thing on my grass jelly! ARGH!! and i still wanted to drink that you know 'cos i was so damn thirsty! ARGH! but nevermind, it's alright. HAHA!

erm, i kinda made everyone embarrased 'cos i screamed at xue zhi. HEHE! oops, really sorry guys. :D oh! and i made ah beng the most embarrased person of the day. 'cos this cheryl girl who studies at nushs, i kinda know her but i haven't really talked to her. i only know her name. so anyway, i saw her, and then she kept looking at the guys i think. and then we were kinda making fun of ah beng. then they dared me to call her over. so I DID! haha! and then she came over. i asked for her number, pretending that ah beng likes her, and then he just walked away! HAHA! but aiya, she didn't really give her number. WAHAHA! and ah jian and sotong went to 7-11 so they kinda missed the fun.

we saw crystal on the way to the market. yep, blah blah. some people took bus and some cabbed. SIGHS*

today is speech day! ahh! i didn't really feel like going but my sister kinda pulled me to go with her so i did. it was BORING. i slept for awhile but i was crapping with eugenia most of the time. yep, the whole thing finished and i waited for my sister for DAMN LONG. sotong kinda accompanied me so nevermind. it was worth it anyway. but i was kinda pissed with my sister for awhile 'cos she asked me to eat with her after the whole thing and then in the end she ate first. GRR. but it was okay. went to mac and stayed there. we didn't really wait until the rain stops so yep. went home like that. BORING DAY. oh ya, i forgot the most pissing thing. the VERY EXPECTED COMPLAINS from teachers to my sister. LIKE WOW. when will they EVER stop?

happy&sad.

a week's gone, and many things has happened. everything's okay except for the fact that something's bothering me. i won't ask because i'm too shy to speak, but i think my dear friends should know.

enough of all the unhappy things. i'll tell you more about the funny and happy things.
first very nice thing that i know of is that, i know i am being remembered by someone i label as "special". whatever that may mean, i always enjoy the many many hours of crapping on the phone after our bedtime even when there's still school the next day.

oh! there was racial harmony yesterday! we wore japanese costumes. dressing up was fun. :) the day before that, we went to rent our costumes, crapped as usual, ate pRata and cabbed.

monday i chatted with crystal at mac and went to the market to eat too. today, the three of us sat together again for a nice chat at mac. it's really a great pleasure having good friends like them. :)

yesterday was cool 'cos that sotong and i kinda went home together. waited at mac while weiling and david entertained me. oh, and i entertained myself by drawing a monkey and a dog. cute. :) anyway, so after everything we ate ice cream at orchard and we got kinda stuck inside a cd shop for quite awhile. yep, simple yet enjoyable. :)

okay, i think i'm done with the happy things and i already said i won't really talk about unhappy things so i think i'll just leave them somewhere else. i won't take them with me. i'll try. :)

and yes, about what i said yesterday, i mean it. i really really mean it. i like you far more than what you think. i like you, yes i do.

upset!

phiney said that no matter how you put aside those horrible things, you will never get them outta there. i guess what she said was true. i spoke too soon when i said, "no no! you can definately put it aside without feeling anything!" i guess i was wrong. you crossed the road, my heart skipped a beat. and then i knew that very moment that no matter what, it's gonna take forever to forget. :(

phiney! SEE OPEN! SEE OPEN!
i'll always rememeber. :)

and another thing. i dunno if i'm already a year too late. i dunno. i really don't know.
i don't know if we just don't wanna speak our minds, or is it because i'm already far behind you?
i wish i'm not. i wish i'm not! :'(

i wish everything will turn out okay. i wish, I WISH. :(

EVERYTHING! :)

OH MY GOSH! i wanna tell you guys about what i did during the holidays and stuffs.

okay, first was camp. it was fun, although there were some sucky part but it's still fun.

first day- , the most unforgettable moments were the games part. and of course, the very FAMOUS INCIDENT at labrador. UGH! and PLUS! everyone was sick and blah~ forget it.

second day- , this one's cool. 'cos they had to go kayaking in the morning, so those sick people and those who did sentry duty the night before aren't supposed to go. so we stayed inside the guys room to sleep. there was me, lili, hanLin, clement, ji ping and two other campers. yep, we slept. and by the way, ji ping's feet are so SMELLY! kept getting near me OKAY! haha!

then we helped out on the campfire stuffs. before that we made out our very own group cheer and it was so funny 'cos it has ah jian and melvin in it. they were acting as jack and rose in titanic. haha!
yep, so that night, we had campfire. crystal and margareth stopped by for a while. :) oh, although the campfire wasn't that fantastic but it was okay. it wasn't that bad, i think. haha!

okay, so all of us planned to stay awake til next morning. i meant the instructors. well, i don't think it's that successful 'cos one by one they all slept and i was like the only one awake so i decided to sleep too. :D actually there were kinda more things that happened that night but i shan't say all of them out.

third day- , i woke up seeing hanLin and ji ping chatting in front of me, and ela sleeping at the other couch while they were having their pt. wahaha! okay, so the two of them were hiding in the den. SMART. hah! yep. nothing really interesting happened after that. oh! we kinda played some water bombs after the campers left. aisyah, clement and ela were soaking wet. haha!

we want mac, sat with the guys and sort of made fun of ah jian 'cos of something he did the night before. haha! then blah blah, went home. :)

okay, here's for the time i went back to the phils-.
mainly was 1/4 shopping and 3/4 eating, that's why i bought so little shirts. but the shirts i bought were pretty, and one of my favorites is this colorful nike shirt. :) i love it! and then i've got this shoe, from 360 degrees, and it's kinda purple! i love that too! haha! and this pink bag from benneton! one of my favorites too! oh! and my bunny handphone pouch, plus my ballerina slippers! haha! i'm so so happy jus thinking of them.
-------------

oh! and i ate more when we had hangovers at mine and meggie's place! we ordered tons and tons of food like pizza, spaghetti, hamburgers, double chicken, fishballs! ahh! i think we already ordered every kind of food in the world!

oh! there was once when phillip dropped my phone! grr! and i felt like killing him but he hasn't died yet. haha!

then once we went to megs place and we went to the deck, and we had to climb this scary staircase and i didn't want to. and no matter how hard they pulled me i still didn't want to so we have no choice but to use the lift up to the deck. we didn't wanna use the lift at first 'cos the owner was living near there and we would get caught easily. so yep, we used the lift but we had to climb another staircase to go up and i have no other choice 'cos there wasn't any lift to there anymore. haha! and we didn't even bring our handphones so it was completely dark up there! and to think that it was only the three of us girls 'cos the two other guys said they'll go later!

ahh! when we finally reached there we climbed this water tank that is so so high up! and it was weird 'cos megs and aiko weren't scared of the dark while i was so scared of it, and now they are the ones who are scared of heights! ahh! but in the end we all went up, and phillip and moses were up there too. and i'm so damn EXTRA 'cos they had their own partners and i was like, jus standing alone at a corner! ahh! but it's ok. :)

we used the stairs to go down and i was so freaked out that megs made me touch moses's butt! ahh! but again, it was okay. :D
-------------

err, then there was a day we went out together, everyone plus princess, reuben, phillip, moses, and abi's lil bro. stan couldn't make it so yeah, i had my husband all by myself. :D

we went ice skating and everyone's actions were so so funny! sheena fell 3 times! nikki was like dancing while she's skating and also like hugging everyone she gets near to and she almost fell on her face once because of her "dance moves" and the strangers in front of her were laughing too!

we had to send aislinn back home so after that, we went back to her place and took pictures, then we went off without her. :( then we went to the baywalk for awhile, then to blue wave to eat. after we ate we wanted to go to this church, but it was already closed. :(

we sent everyone home then there was me, ben, phillip and aiko left. we went up aiko's place to see amber, her cute cute baby sis. haha! it was around i think 12 or something then we stayed around 1. i stayed over their place and phillip didn't. make a guess why. :D

slept at around 3 or 4 and woke up at 6 'cos they're gonna go to school the next day. so yep, rhetty and ryan are so so cute! :)
-------------

okay, there was another time when they went to my place and we watched shutter and the girl next door and then ate and ate and stoned. but it was fun. :)
-------------

oh! the second last night before i went off, my big bro and irene and posky went karaoke to sing and sing! haha! and the next day my throat was kinda hurting! and my bro was like singing weird songs too! haha!
-------------

ahh! the last night! ahh! i met up with them, only the 6 of us 'cos aislinn couldn't make it and they didn't really invite the guys and ben was still having his basketball training and phillip was MIA! haha.. so yep. we did have fun. we were like eating and eating and they ate without me and aiko okay! and they were still like trying to make it not so obvious! and we eat like we haven't eaten for CENTURIES! wahaha! OH! and we were laughing like hell trying to make everyone pay up their share but in the end i paid up the most. WAHAHA!

then one by one they went home. :( and the hardest part was when aiko was in her house, saying goodbye to me. :'( and then the next day, i flew back here. but i did get a lot of sweet messages from them :)
-------------

sighs* and i missed all the fun at shirley's kbox party. :( i can't go.
but back at school was so fun! somedays were boring 'cos lotsa people were sick.
ahh, LILI! GET WELL SOON!

oh ya! u know, i actually went to this chapel, 'cos it was just behind the shopping center. and you know what? i realised that i have so much things to tell GOD. too many to even say it out. :(

after effects and thank you notes. :)

after all the pain and struggle, life is too short for me to grieve over things.

as what my dearest friend AIKO has said, "get over him and MOVE ON." and not only that. your advices and experiences has insipred me in many ways. <3
life has never been the same, i know. but since the day i tried to deal things myself, that perfect facade of mine slowly flushed away.

but surely, my friends are there for me too, of course. :)
here's to SHEENA, my very lovable and sweet husband who never fails to cheer me up. you may think that there was never a time you ever made me happy but you're wrong. 'cos i know that even if you're not there, you're actually THERE. there for me ALL THE TIME. to listen to how i nag and how i repeat the same old thing to you. THANK YOU. <3

well to some like CRYSTAL and LI HUI, they may not have the same thoughts in mind as me. but each time i run to them, to tell them how i feel, i know that they'll try to help me in every single way. i know that they will not leave me at an empty corner. our different perspectives has caused some changes to things which made my life complicated, but in a FUNNY&COOL WAY. you may not understand but this is how i think we work things out. without them, life would be so screwed. <3

HUI YI, my beloved sister. seldom do we see each other but i know we connect in some way. that bond that we have is uncomparable to any. it's a different kind of bond that makes me want to hold onto it forever. THANK YOU VERY MUCH for being there for me, especially that time when i was really so broken, at camp. i can't imagine how everything will turn out without you. <3

and most of all, this ANONYMOUS person. you probably think that you hadn't done anything to make me feel better but in some special and magical way, you did. finally, we did it. we're out of that trapped box and we're out here leading "normal" lives again. we don't have to "hide under tables". not anymore, never. i can finally taste the feeling of before. i have so many things to tell you, so many words unsaid and undone and this time, i'm gonna make sure that i don't miss out on any. i'm gonna prove what i gotta prove over time. so, yep. THANK YOU extra special much, with whipped cream and cherry on top. 'cos you're there when you actually didn't know that i needed you. YOU REALLY MAKE ME HAPPY.<3

now, i declare to myself that i'm not gonna hustle on to anything. i'm gonna do my best. i'm gonna stand tall and stand back up when i fall. and if i really reach to the extent that i'm fallin off a hill or a cliff, i know that i have someone to pull me back up. :)

a note.

well, here i am again. maybe you guys think that i haven't been saying any sensible things lately based on my previous entries. but you know what, all those things i said, even if some are just lyrics, they're all how i feel. but the fact that i'm already broken inside, i can't hide how i really feel because this is reality.

you know what, i had a dream last night, a very unexpected one.
i hugged you. i didn't wanna let go but i had to so i tried getting away from you. but you tried keeping me around your arms, holding me tighter as if you wanted me. i struggled but you're just far too strong. and then i woke up.

i don't know what i'm supposed to feel but all i could think of was i have to go. i really have to. we can't get stuck here forever. there's someone out there waiting for you. you know what i'm trying to tell you. and you know what i always say, just go.

you are a good guy, you made me happy in a million ways. you made me sad too. you made me cry, you made me feel so alone. but you know, all the sadness i felt before was quickly overpowered by happiness. you being with me was a gift. but the perfect gift was torn apart by many undesirable problems, and this is the outcome.

but seriously though, you are a nice person. i still think you're nice even if i hated you sometimes. well, you can't blame me for that right?

just too late./

how could you come with me when you knew all along that you had to go?
how could you watch me sleep so close to you, pretending not to know?
how could you memorize my name and forget who i am?
how could you think you're still the same, believing i can?

how could you ask for more with an innocent smile, trusting me to stay?
how could you close the door and leave me here, supposing i'm ok?
how could you breakdown my disguise and uncover my fears?
how could you look into my eyes, ignoring my tears?

;-questions of the helpless.

it's too late to start pretending.
it's too late for a new beginning.
later than the sunset, later than the rain.
later than I never to love you again.

freak out.

my heart's unwilling to tell the truth.
and maybe, just maybe, THAT is the truth.
argh! and i don't know why i'm feeling like this.

guess my love for you isn't gone that fast.
guess your love for me is ALREADY gone.

now i know that someday, somehow, you won't love me anymore.
i was scared then, but i knew that day will come.
so what can i do? tears aren't what i have to face everyday!
it's that pain, that anger, that disbelief that makes me wanna go crazy!

pain because i know i love you,
anger because of your actions,
and disbelief because all these damage is done only by YOU.
i still can't believe you did this to me.

but let me tell you this:
i know i did my best,
and as i say, it takes two hands to clap.

everytime i did my best, you weren't there.
YOU WEREN'T THERE, I SWEAR.
it was always me who did all the emotional thing.
and i STILL don't understand WHY.

all i need is to make my questions in life lesser.
all i need you to do is answer some of them.
arghh!

PAIN.

And I can't stand the pain
And I can't make it go away
No I can't stand the pain

So I try to hold onto a time when nothing mattered
And I can't explain what happened
And I can't erase the things that I've done
No I can't

for YOU-;

Whenever sang my songs
On the stage, on my own
Whenever said my words
Wishing they would be heard
I saw you smiling at me
Was it real or just my fantasy
You'd always be there in the corner
Of this tiny little bar

My last night here for you
Same old songs, just once more
My last night here with you
Maybe yes, maybe no
I kind of liked it your way
How you shyly placed your eyes on me
Oh, did you ever know
That I had mine on you

Darling, so there you are
With that look on your face
As if you're never hurt
As if you're never down
Shall I be the one for you
Who pinches you softly but sure
If frown is shown then
I will know that you are no dreamer

So let me come to you
Close as I wanted to be
Close enough for me
To feel your heart beating fast
And stay there as I whisper
How I loved your peaceful eyes on me
Did you ever know
That I had mine on you

Darling, so share with me
Your love if you have enough
Your tears if you're holding back
Or pain if that's what it is
How can I let you know
I'm more than the dress and the voice
Just reach me out then
You will know that you're not dreaming

heart&head; oh LOVE.

my heart taking over my head
and my head taking over my heart

my brain's exhausted a lil too much,
and my heart's broken a lil bit too much.

definately a bit too much for me to handle.
DEFINATELY TOO MUCH.

it's cool, i guess.

today was good. besides the sudden attack from my back and something something, i guess everything else was good. lili's mum's potatoes are the best!

what'sdonecannotbeundone.

thosewordspeircedmyheart.

ifonlyyou'llgivemeanotherchance.

ifonly.

finally.

exams are finally over, and now's the holidays. it's rather fast. half a year's gone by so fast that anyone barely noticed it. yeah. half a year full of happy, sad, stupid, funny, lonely, terrible, joyous and whatever times.

you know, day by day, i just feel as though everyone i love is drifting away from me, bit by bit. this is another of my "i-don't-know-why"entries. so many questions i have to ask.
those who are with me everyday. we did almost everything funny and cute and silly and stupid even serious times together but we just slowly fell apart. disappointment will just slowly rip your heart until you can't feel anymore. that's the saddest thing.

another thing. the one i don't always see but love. i have a vivid picture of him in my mind. i wish i can be with him when i'm sad and when i'm happy and when i'm crazy and when i'm naggy. but no he isn't. he's always "somewhere out there". it's like, the connection isn't there anymore. what the hell's happening?

one last thing, and of course DEFINATELY not the least. the one who's so near yet so, SO FAR. i hear your voice, i see you smile, i hear you laugh. i see everything, but all's not meant for me. i have been planning to start anew with everything, but i FEEL and THINK that something out there is stopping me. so many misunderstandings, so many things we missed out on. when's the right time to have a heart to heart?

i know it's a sin not being contented with one's life. but let me ask you something: if you are already contented with your own life, not wanting anything anymore, then is that still called LIFE? i thought life is where you enjoy not everything you have? i thought life is where you meet challenges everyday? i thought life is where you feel to have a need of something you couldn't have? i thought life is where everyone has to suffer even just a tiny bit?
what is life, really??

yes, it's almost a year. half of it was full of happiness and sometimes doubts and anger with love too, but half of it is full of sadness, obssession, regret. ahh, i don't know. i don't know i don't know i don't know.

well, my life isn't exactly that sucky. i still have people who stick by me 24/7. and i love love love them so much. people like LIHUI and CRYSTAL. the very loud MEGS and of course the great superstar AIKO. they're the great ones, the best of the best.
and not forgetting HUIYI and SHEENA too. <3

ahh, there's actually a good side in my life, and yes i'm happy. :)

oh and by the way, my results are shitty so don't bother asking.

lucks / me.

here's a quote for you guys and myself, for the upcoming exams:

"When you reach for the stars, you may not quite get them, but you won't come up with a handful of mud either"
-Leo Burnett.

so people poeple! i wish you and me luck while WE reach for the stars for the following week in hope that WE won't come up with a handful of mud! ;)

ahh, and here's something i got from friendster:

Copy this and change the answers, then leave it as a comment for me, alright?
If I were a month I would be: february.
If I were a day of the week I would be: saturday.
If I were a time of day I would be: 23-59.
If I were a planet I would be: venus.
If I were a sea animal I would be: a starfish.
If I were a direction I would be: south
If I were a piece of furniture I would be: a cedar chest.
If I were a sin I would be: jealousy.
If I were a historical figure I would be: dead!
If I were a liquid I would be: vodka.
If I were a stone, I would be: amber.
If I were a tree, I would be: a willow.
If I were a bird, I would be: a flamingo.
If I were a tool, I would be: no idea.?
If I were a flower/plant, I would be: a tulip. [ lovely :)
If I were a kind of weather, I would be: mist.
If I were a mythical creature, I would be: a mermaid.
If I were a musical instrument, I would be: off key.
If I were an animal, I would be: a persian cat.
If I were a color, I would be: black&white+PURPLE.(make any sense?)
If I were an emotion, I would be: regret.
If I were a vegetable, I would be: GARLIC!
If I were a sound, I would be: rain pattering.
If I were an element, I would be: wind.
If I were a car, I would be: definately a hot pink sports car.
If I were a song, I would be: Angel - Sarah McLachlan.
If I were a movie, I would be directed by: Baz Luhrmann (Moulin Rouge).
If I were a book, I would be written by: Ann Brashares.
If I were a food, I would be: potato!
If I were a place, I would be: the tip of your tongue.
If I were a material, I would be: satin.
If I were a taste, I would be: an apple.
If I were a scent, I would be: eh, dom.?
If I were a religion, I would be: catholic.
If I were a word, I would be: imperfection.
If I were a body part I would be: eyes.
If I were a facial expression I would be: a smile.
If I were a subject in school I would be: literature.
If I were a cartoon character I would be: Little Mermaid.
If I were a shape I would be a/an: <3.
If I were a number I would be: odd.

Shall I become no more than a puppet?
A mindless puppet, never to laugh, never to cry?
I wish to live my life under the sky.
At times I shall laugh, at other times cry.
For no life is more insincere than that lived as a masquerade.

-I want to be your canary

Lord Avon, Final Fantasy IX

late-night thoughts.

as if life wasn't sad enough and happiness doesn't last.

i'm missing you
i never knew how much she'd loved me
i'm missing you
i never knew how much you meant to me
i need you and when you go
i know it never ends
never ends

MAKE-UP, yesterday. :)

fionna helped us do some really exotic look using her make-up kit.
ben helped me with history, and drew anime for each of us.
jiale took pretty pictures of herself with her phone.
my sissy asked me to study, study and study.
i was on my sister's bed, half-studying half-chatting and half-laughing.

fionna took close-ups of us after every done doll face.
ben tried smiling, but ended up looking super false almost every time.
jiale looked natural.
my sister tried posing, like how she normally does.
i was a bit shy at first, but in the end HECK CARE LA.

so we took group shots, and i was only shy on my first solo shots, and that's it. har har.
it was fun, last night.

i'm so DAMNED.

i scrolled through my past, my diary. everything from last year, yep i read it all.
and you know what? i realised that:

i miss literature a whole lot! MAJOR LEAGUE TIME!
i remembered crystal's many many advices.
i was stuck on a very heartbreaking entry for almost half an hour, reading the whole thing over and over again. and i have absolutely NO IDEA why i'm letting myself read something that hurts.

DAMN IT!
i can't take it no longer!

i'm sorry if i'll have to hurt anyone's heart, but i figured that beating around the bush all the time isn't the best medicine in any unsolved situation. sometimes i really hate myself for doing this.

it may seem that i don't care. it may seem that i'm happy round the clock. it may seem that i'm problem free. it may seem that i'm on a bed of roses.
i may sound happy. i may always be loud in class. i may be singing all cheery songs. i may be talking about how i spent my day with my loved ones.
but all this, it isn't really a good source to rely on. i don't believe that actions speak louder than words. i do believe that every of my actions can bring unhappiness to those people i've hurt many many times over.

i care. i still care. i wish you knew! i wish you wouldn't think that i'm that cold-hearted bloody bitch who broke your heart, all happy and cheerful over her sweetheart! i wish you wouldn't think that this bloody little bitch stole everything from you, even if that is almost true because you know what? IT HURTS! it hurts me a dozen million times everyday when i let my freaking mind think of all these horrible things! and i kept thinking that everything is me me ME, even if i'm not sure if it's really me!

and to tell you the truth, i still don't understand how my heart and my mind works. i hate the both of them because they don't want to cooperate! they don't want me to think properly! they mix up my thinking and my feelings everytime, EVERYDAY! sometimes i try to tell the ones whom i open up to, but most of the time, i'll be left without much things to say.

the problem is i can't really express myself properly when i try to say it out. i FUCKING hate it!

anyway, i care! this bloody little bitch still cares. i don't know how many people knows about this but the main thing is i still fucking care! i still get fucking worried over you! i still get frustrated when that bloody little bitch picks on you. i still care! I DO!

i'm sorry i admit that i'm a big fuck-ass bitch but I SWEAR I CARE!

i am so fucking agitated. and ps people, even though i've already opened up, this isn't all. i'm not finished. i'm still beating around the bush. i have to and i think this is enough. i just don't want you guys to misunderstand my thoughts and feelings.

i'm so tired. i don't know how to explain this feeling of discontentment.
DAMN IT.

for the guy who made me the happiest person in the world, and the saddest person in the universe. none other than my lost soul, hL.
obviously from the person who has made a huge mistake, much bigger than that of anything anyone could ever imagine, jurv-ia.

this is for you:
to the world you may just be one person,
but to one person you may be the world.
i may be one person to you, NOW,
but i'm that one person who treats you like HER WORLD.

and ever, EVER shall be.

i'm back! :)

okay. here are all the things that i can remember:

there was one day when i hated ms yeo alot. maybe because of blahblahblah. um, yea. you don't have to know. i just hated her.

there was one day when they had their napfa tests, and i went to meet him at the cc.

there was one day when my ever-dearest, sweetest husband came! and i stayed over her hotel one night, had starbucks with dom that night and my husband finally got to meet him. blahblah's.

there was one day when i have to write a nasty chinese compo, cheat on some mcq's, hoping to pass the very dreaded chinese mid-year.

there was one day, that same dreadful day when i wrote loads of crap in my chinese, i had fun chatting with my fairfield friends at the acs barker staircase. and there's this cute sec 1 kid too! :) his name's mark i think. and i swear he's gonna grow up being handsome and attractive. :)

there was this day when we had to write a sweet compo on friendship. where all you can think of are the most important people in your entire life. those who helped you through all the pain and the suffering. those who laughed with you even if there isn't anything funny. and those who have to come and go. ahh, nevermind. :(

there was one day, that very same day of the friendship compo, when i have to miss my dearest husband very much. she left that day, and i'm really gonna miss her. :'(

there was one day when we had this meeting thingy for the camp, and i was made the games planner with wei jian. and i think we're gonna help out with the games logistics too with wen jie. :)

there was one day, the same day, when i really felt bad. it was so bad and i just don't know why. good thing there's my lila, crystal and jasmine with me. :)

there was one day, two days, three days, alot of days, everyday, when there's just you you and YOU. and JUST YOU. believe me.

i'm all DONE! yay!

yipee! my layouts done! ahh! i started last night, and yay! i'm done, i'm done i'm done! whoppee! i'm so happy! wahaha!

hmm. lemme tell you bout what happened this week.

monday.
after school was supposed to go home with lili, but she said she wanted to go buy her sly cd. i suggested her to bring along the rest. then blah blah. dunno why it took so long for us to go. was waiting for shirley and delphine or whatever i think. in the end, me lili and crystal went. trish, cherm and those two stayed behind.

eugenia took the bus with us. ahh! then it rained soon after she alighted! ahh! we had to run okay! ahh! and we were so drenched! wahh! and i look like a mushroom because of my stupid hair! ahh! damn. haha! and crystal kept laughing at me. wahaha!

then blahblah. walked around heeren. bought that sly cd, walked, looked, took neos FINALLY! bwahaha! took sticker and card. =D bought rock choco's from mini toons, and my hotdog! harhar, and i forgot to give back cry's maths tys. wahaha! sorry. :)

tuesday.
went to boon's house to take his comics. lili wants it. hmm, then decided to find new skin for phiney's blog. check it out! haha.. anyway, phiney is delphine. that's my new nick for her. ;)

wednesday.
wahaha! i skipped chinese b! yipee! wahaha! 'cos i had bio test. blehx! haha! after that the gang split into dunno how many halves. me and chermaine cutie went to clementi. i wanted to buy that accounts book but we can't find it so bought another kind instead. but it's also exactly the same, just bigger in size. hmm anyway, we took a really long time at the pen station. i wouldn't wanna give up on finding that fantastic black pen. ahh! and i found it at the last minute! yay! it was all alone, and we're so so fated. ;)

hmm, i was hunting for a mechanical pencil, and i saw this really cool, cute one. ahh! but it was too expensive! and chermaine forbade me to buy it. haha! oh and btw, we saw the initial d car! ahh! at first i was not really interested in it, but cherm told me the story until it made me wanna watch the upcoming initial d movie! ahh! ;)

thursday?
haha! it was sort of a good and bad day. i sat outside the office. i was given the special treatment by mrs yeo though, with the chair, table and all. she's real nice. :) hmm, everyone who passed by me said my work looks great, and i draw real well and all. wahaha! funny. it was all bullshit!

chermaine joined me when it was almost recess. grr that miss yeo. so mean. grr! and so once again, it was the two of us. haha! we chatted non-stop while shading, and blah. those stupid guys, kelvin neo boon chung and andrew plus others kept disturbing us! haha! say we artist. haha! and they even told me it is nice sitting outside for the rest of the day, watching the grass grow.

after school was art, i was the last one who left. and erm, went to nushs for their napfa run. i planned to run 2-3 rounds, but my mother number one didn't allow me. :( so mean. ahh anyway, it was ok. :) after that went back to school, hung around the volleyball court there, see them train. jiao lian talked to us, disturb us, and even scared ME! grr! haha!

friday.
was supposed to sit outside the office 'cos i didn't finish my work again. wahaha! the night before, i thought i lost my art! ahh! i panicked! called lili, messaged miss yeo without recieving any reply. grr. hmm, but i found it in the art room. wahaha! i managed to finish it all by the end of the day.

stayed at the guide den. was with jie, genia joined in later. did some sanding of poles, blahblah.. hmm, went to mac. crystal, lili, trish, edmund and dom were there. then blahblah. sorry hor jie, didn't go back with you. hmm, talked talked, they played vball outside mac. then that stupid dom go and video me! ahh so ugly! :( i was caught rubbing my nose! eee! :(

went cc, he went home, blah. see them play, blah. left me lili and cry in the end. wanted to go dolphin there, the karaoke place with air-con, but it was still closed. :( started drizzling, sat under the rain, talk talk. went home. :)

saturday.
all bull la. did nothing but crap, and do my layout. :)

sunday.
ate out. did nothing again but do my layout. and ta daaa! :)

happy birthday
gabriel ! ;)

LONG..

and here i am again. damn. my layout sucks. i've no time to change it. ahh! just bear with it for the moment. i'll try to change it soon.

yea well anyway, yesterday was pretty fun. went to ghim moh mac around 2 plus to meet crystal, jasmine and tricia. then waited awhile for him, and off we went to the cc.

there were quite a number of guys down there already. i don't know them, but i saw some familiar faces. at first my mother number 3, crystal chan, did not allow me to play volleyball 'cos of blahblah. harhar! so yea, i went to shoot hoops myself. then blahblah, joey came, the girls are at one side, the boys at the other. jasmine has tuition, so she went off first. the three of us went to the market to eat.

we ate at the dessert shop. at first i didn't know what to order. i looked around and i don't know what the hell were those so i just ordered red bean. =D we talked and talked, blah blah. ahh! then crystal brought up the topic about some fishball noodles that are really delicious! ahh! then she persuaded us to eat. haha! since the way she said it was tempting us, we went to buy our own bowl. =D

ahh! and she was so damn right! the fishballs are nice! yay! haha! but crystal didn't eat, 'cos she said her grandmama cooked for her. so after eating, crystal went home first.. me and tricia went back to the cc. when we got back, there were a dozen people playing there already! ahh! i think more than a dozen! aha! we had very limited space to play volleyball (my mother no. 3 allowed me to play in the end. =D ) 'cos they were having a match. wahaha! we sat down, watched, and it was quite funny 'cos i-dunno. haha! just funny. haha!

blahblah, it was already turning dark. some flying thing came, more, and MORE! ahh! it was like SNOWING! and the one naked guy with the tattoo said, "this is the first time i saw singapore snowing". wahaha! that wasn't the only funny part la. haha! they even went to video those flying thing. so boliao. haha!

everyone stopped playing already, crystal came, we hung out at somewhere inside the cc. then blah. oh! there's this guy, so funny! all the guys were teasing him 'cos he wore his boxers with his briefs inside! wahaha! and you know what his reason is? haha! he said 'cos if you wear boxers, that thing will stand, then people will see especially GIRLS! wahaha! so he wore his briefs inside for extra safety. wahaha! so idiotic. ahh, blahblah. around 8 i think, went home.

ahh! everything was fine yesterday when i went home. but i woke up this morning having an aching EVERYTHING! ahh! i think i moved pretty damn much yesterday.
ahah! or maybe i've not exercised for too long already. wahaha! :P

anyway, anyhow, all is not forgotten.

just things, and more things.

lemme tell you something important first.
happy birthday
hui yi JIE!
belated- :(
sorry i couldn't celebrate your birthday with you. :(


hmm.
another thing.

lemme just tell you what's deep within.

i've been collecting broken hearts and gathering them up into my arms, always trying to
hide them under every forced smile.

reliving the times when i first realised my crushed dreams, when i picked up the pieces i never realized i had dropped along the way.
and then, everything came full circle. and it was suddenly apparent that i am losing and finding parts of myself all of the time.

wishing for old faces, stimulating conversation, intangibile decisions.
plus, internal exploration leaving me with a greater quantity of questions there will never be answers to.

not much has changed.
and you know what? i can assure you that no matter what you think, none of you can actually understand what the heck I'm talking about.

idon'tknowhowtomendthis

oh btw,
belated happy birthday, you.
i wish i could celebrate your birthday with you.
but i can't.. :'(

`- it's all been done.

the days i'm gone.

ahh! okay.
five days of no updating officially.
but it feels like i didn't update for so long already. think it's 'cos i've been typing crap on my previous entries. but anyhow, i think i shall tell you guys what's been happening to my life.

hmm. lemme recall.
there was one day, end of march, all the sec three's went to this camp.
um, we went to chinese garden. ahh! it was real fun. first was kayaking. partnered edwin. then we were like, always going the wrong direction. haha! and we were so damn wet already! oh! i was with tricia almost the whole day, 'cos we were split into 3 groups.

yea, so after kayaking was dragon boat. the boat kept wanting to drop us into the water, and i held tricia's hand a lot of times! haha! hmm, then rafting, me and tricia didn't do anything. 'cos i don't really know how to tie. actually i know, i'm just too lazy to bend down. after they finished tying the whole thing, i don't know what has gotten into tricia to ask me to sit on the tires of the so-called 'boat'. haha! hmm, but in the end we did it. hah! we sat there, and the two guys kept rowing, tricia was slacking and rowing, and i kept kicking! haha! 'cos my arms are tired. haha! we raced, and we won. my shoe got stuck, half of my body fell into the water, i left my shoe but the instructor helped me take it. :)

ah then blahblah. when we reached ghim moh i went to tricia's house to bathe, 'cos i can't stand being so dirty! eew! and damn we had a stupid english course ya know? grr, so boring. met up with crystal, yea she didn't go. then blahblah.

err, that saturday. RAINING. damn. i wanted to go to holland v for my cup of frap but damn! hmm, went queensway with that dummy. blahblah. wanted to cut my hair but in the end didn't. went to mac, crystal jasmine and tricia were there. crapped a lil, went home. damn, my hair's growing like shit.

um, the rest are blahblah's. oh! i've been going to chinese b already. have to get at least 50% attendance. =D no choice. hmm, and i didn't go to school today 'cos blahblah. secret. =D

the guide to nowhere.

sometimes it just hurts
well, it always does.
i just don't understand, WHY.
is this love not worth?

it just FUCKING hurts
because all the pain is inside
and i just won't talk til it's all done.

such an IDIOT.

the love with no return.

damn! i'm wide awake.

there ain't no diskette around the house.
(so how am i supposed to get my work done?)
ain't no mommy nagging around.
(uh, yeah. wait till tomorrow.)
ain't no busybody walking up and down.

peaceful night.
sweet surrender.

and so i thought it was.

Everything i know,and anywhere i go
It gets hard but it wont take away my love
And when the last one falls
When it's all said and done
It gets hard but it wont take away my love

same old.

OMG! i will die if i just keep everything to myself.

the way our minds and hearts work is really complicating and beyond comprehension.
sometimes certain things are just so plain to see but we are blinded. by love, by dreams, by false hopes.

when feelings are involved, things are always easier said than done. although you may know what's good for you but getting down to actually doing what you know is good for you is difficult.

the number of sad people around is definitely more than the number of happy people around.
life is a bitch.

---

H
A
T
E

hatehateHATE.

DONT TALK TO ME OR ANYTHING
'COS I HATE YOU.

ILOVEYOU-
ME AND MY FRIENDS.
LEAVE US ALONE.


I DON'T KNOW ANYMORE.
EVERYTHING'S SO COMPLICATED.

FRUSTRATING!

just READ ON.

FUCK.
i feel so shitty and damned.
FUCK.

yes FUCK.
i'm angry, i'm mad,
I'M PISSED!
just FUCK!
FUCKFUCKFUCK!

think of this and think of that.
i mean whatthefuck is goin on in there?!

okay.
here's a decent message for the most important people in my life:
i know i'm far away and stuff.but it doesn't mean that i'm not there.
I'M THERE! there in your hearts. and i will do everything just to keep US together
iloveyouGUYS.
you know that.

-sighs*

you me us
the other us
us us us,
blahblah.
complicationoftheworld
orRATHER,myLIFE!

oh and by the way,

um, by the way WHAT?
i don't know what i wanna say.

hmm, me and my brother are talking right now. haha! and i'm laughing like shit. he's kinda asking me silly questions, and it's so weird and funny. bwahaha! and we were looking at the tiffany and co page. ahh! jewelry! so freaking nice! ahh! i don't know. suddenly realised that i actually like jewelry. there's actually A GIRL IN ME! AHAHA! i first thought i'm half gay. WAHAHA! oh gosh, LAME!

hmm, nice layout huh? i didn't make it. haha! but for your info, don't ever ever steal those words at the side okay! THEY'RE MINE! NO ONE ELSE'S! MINE! MWAHAHA!

ahh, hmm. okay. i'm pissed with someone. JUST someone.
BYE!

my inner peace shit.

ahh. today.

we were bored, so we headed to the most comfortable place on earth, STARBUCKS.
spent our whole afternoon slacking there. daydreaming, chit-chatting, eating, drinking our infamous fraps and expresso's. was with my dearest sissy by the way. :)

as i sat at the sofa for hours and hours, my thought was:
today could be the most peaceful day of my life! my mind was completely blank. just me and myself. i wasn't even thinking of my friends or anyone special. i mean, it's weird but it's true! i spent my whole afternoon thinking of nothing but myself and everything that gets near me. memories weren't even part of it.

my coffee, my book and me.
plus the wall of complication- .
full of promises
ANTICIPATION
do i need you or do you need me?
i'm somewhat lost.
curling, swirling.
reaching, taking.
we have come full circles.
a swallow/ a sip/ another cup
YESorNO?
coffee around the world
FEELtheWIND!
thumpaTHUMPA

my life wouldn't be as complicated as this.
much more.

realityHIT.;black&white/GRAY.

excruciating pain
clutching on my back.
i walk, and i stumble.
I FALL.

no one to pull,
no one to lean,
no one to touch,
no one to feel.

black now white
white now black
gray areas
spattered with blood
it's not as innocent as it seems
ALONE-
just me and the breeze.
just YOU and ME.
*DREAM.

it's a sad SAD situation.

POOF! gone.
all down the drain like it never happened.
memories in it, forever will stay.
forever remembered,
never to be forgotten.
NOT EVER!

yesterday was super bad. i had mood swings out of nowhere.but then of course, my sweethearts and my 3 mummies made it better. and of course, not forgetting our very good friend xue zhi too! :)

yea, after school we took heavy stuffs to lili's house. cabbed with xue zhi and lili to holland. yep. we planned to meet somewhere at bk to eat at nydc. yea. but when we finally got there we were kinda picky, or rather I was kinda picky. at first it was starbucks, then coffee bean. i saw sush tei and i really wanna go in! then i saw AL DENTE and i was really tempted, but FORGET IT. ahh! HAAGEN DAZS! it's all so tempting! but i knew that xue zhi wanted to eat at coffee bean, so we KINDA settled in there. but oh my gosh! who knew that THAT stupid xue zhi said DELIFRANCE! my knees felt weak so of course, we went one round back to where we started just to eat there.

the queue was long, the manager's shitty and then we ate. first was very serious talk. but we didn't wanna ruin our lunch just because of a someone so we changed the topic to songs, to corn and then to capture the infamous ME eating a big lump of corn. eww! mamma mia, by the way. hah! OH! ALMOST FORGOT! THANKS SO MUCH, XUE ZHI, FOR TREATING US! :) LET US FIND SOME TIME TO TREAT YOU BACK OKAY? :)

yep, waited until 3.30 for the stupid speech. and it was so so boring! ahh! and my results were shitty, PLAIN SHITTY. i passed 3 and failed 3. accounts and ss F9, and science 48! ahh well, at least i improved a lil for my science.

crystal lili and i went down to bukit batok for the sim and the ball. lili's got her sim, while i've got my NOTHING. and i'm overly depressed. there wasn't fate AT ALL. it's GONE.

death_
i'm not gonna leave.
NEVER.

boliao la.

BWAHAHA!
hello!
i'm in the com lab now. hehe..only me, tricia and crystal's group. meaning that corrie, shirley, delphine, chermaine and lili still in class. BWAHAHA! hehe..
they're suffering there while we're enjoying air-con! BWAHAHA! but still quite hot la. haha..

haix. so boring. :( crystal just sneezed. and she's so pissed with the stupid com. and she's banging the mouse now. wahaha! and and, tricia and crystal peeped at what i am writing. ahh! and crystal banged the mouse again. poor mouse. haha!

i'll come back later la. maybe. hehe, if i've got the time. 'cos i'm gonna go get back my ball. argh! have to bring home the stupid lightbox! ahh! die!

yay! the other group is coming up le. yay! haix. but can't sit with them. :(

blog later. bye!

fate and love;memories.

fate has it between my ball and me.
yea. MY BALL. think whatever you wanna think 'cos i don't care. whatever it is, it's still my ball! and i'll be back with my precious ball tomorrow! yay! all thanks to my dearest crystal for speaking up. without her, i don't think i'll ever see my ball again.
and by the way, you may say that it's just a ball, but that ball has so many memories in it that can never be erased including heartbreaks and tragic so don't ever think that it's just a stupid ball 'cos IT'S NOT!
funny, sad, happy, weird, boring, EXTREMELY HUMOROUS, and love. it's all there. :)

cabbed to ica with corrie, crystal and lili. yep. and we only took around 15 minutes to finish everything. then bukit batok, the bus journey was damn long, but i didn't sleep. we went there, walked around, FOUND MY BALL, then yellow, lastly kfc. i cabbed home, they took the mrt. and the cab fare was so so expensive. argh! freaking $12!

oh, and this song's nice. i like it. :)
for me, for you.

We both know that I shouldn't be here,
This is wrong.
And baby, it's killin' me, it's killin' you,
Both of us trying to be strong.
I've got somewhere else to be,
Promises to keep,
Someone else who loves me,
And trusts me fast asleep.
I've made up my mind,
There is no turning back.
She's been good to me,
And she deserves better than that.
It's the hardest thing I'll ever have to do,
To look you in the eye and tell you I don't love you.
It's the hardest thing I'll ever have to lie,
To show no emotion when you start to cry.
I can't let you see what you mean to me,
When my hands are tied and my heart's not free,
We're not meant to be.
It's the hardest thing I'll ever have to do,
To turn around and walk away, pretending I don't love you.
I know we'll meet again,
Fate has a place and time.
So you can get on with your life,
I've got to be cruel to be kind.
Like Dr. Zhivago,
All my love I'll be sending,
And you will never know,
'Cause there can be no happy ending.
Maybe another time, another day.
As much as I want to, I can't stay.

btw,
happy birthday's to
kenneth and jenkins
on the 7th

margareth
on the 9th
_____________

greetings!

happy birthday
to these people:
ap-01march2005
clement-02march2005
bonn (bro!)-03march2005

lihui and corrie
today!
princess too!
-her 18/debut-

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO CORRIE AND LILI
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU TWO!

:)

life is BUT a dream.

you gotta be kidding me!

screwed.
i've already stopped crying, because i have already cried enough tears to reach the eiffel tower. but still, my heart weighs a hundred tons, and my mind wouldn't stop the flashbacks of how painful it used to be. isn't it such a mean thing to do? to give me such a big blow that i might be doing it again for the second time? that my everydays would be as cranky as before, suffering my whole life with another dreadful scar? could this be for real, or is this all a dream? because if this is really for real, and it is all happening right now, i have too many questions in my life unanswered including this: why is this happening to me?

and you're right. nothing's perfect.
i'm me.

fun-filled lala's.

yay! my birthday fun! um, well kind of. there were pissed off times, happy times, sweet times, funny times, angry times, and blahblah times. yep. everything was there already. hmm, we were planning to go downstairs to dip in the pool but too bad there was lightning. :( ahh then blahblah? i don't know. my lil brother kinda ruined my mood but it's all okay now 'cos it's already over. :) lala, all was okay. except for my pissed off part. everyone was sweet and all. i love 'em. :)

oh, and i really wanna say sorry to my lili and crystal. :( sorry if you guys were bored. :(
IWISHYOUWEREHERE..

yipee! and i forgot to say thanks to those people who actually remembered! :)
------

shopping yesterday with sissy, pam, fel and jill. ahh! we shopped until our feet were sore and our hands were all filled up with shopping bags! ahh! it was fun shopping ya know?! ahh! tried out a few dresses, blahblahblah. but i didn't buy 'em. just tried them on for fun. haha! but i bought quite a lot of stuffs like a handbag, blahblahblah. but NO SHOES! :( they already went shoe shopping a couple of days back and i didn't go along. :( ahh, never mind. :)

btw,
happy birthday
to the person with the same birthday as me.
jay! :)

ILLOGICAL?

someone, save me from this misery. take all my pain away. i will be eternally grateful to you, whoever you may be. i know misery is self-created but can i help it? NOPE!

pushing myself way past my limits. argh! i'm very tired mentally yet i don't see myself giving in any time soon. WHY WHY WHY? the STOP signs are plastered all over the place already, am i just too blind to see them or did i just choose to ignore the signals?

sigh. what a bad and sad birthday eve.

inspiration-

Love knows no reasons..
Love knows no lies..
Love defies all reasons..
Love has no eyes..

But love is not blind..
Love sees but doesn't mind..
Think about it..
there must be higher love..
Down in the heart or hidden in the stars above..

Without it..
life is a wasted time..
Look inside your heart..
I'll look inside mine

-ripped from cheryl's.
inspired by cheryl. :)

although this is stolen, i was inspired by what i saw. :)

nothing in this world.

i can be an emotional freak sometimes, and i hate myself for that. paranoia loves me too damn much, it sticks to me like bees do to honey. it causes me to think too much and unnecessarily, but i can't stop the mind from wandering at all.

A man without scars
Is an unwritten book.

Do you have any scars?

and yes, even the girl who laughs in circle till her stomach aches and eyes tear can feel and she knows when something is amiss.

yesterday is not another today.

valentines!
14february2005
yesterday was okay. i was in a good mood, almost everyone is in a good mood. i got a lil freaked out on those who made my day (and others, or rather someone) terrible. and okay, love is in the air. of course it was. saw edwin and pei yi, winnie and another guy, beng loong and another girl. yea.

15february2005
today is a freaking FUCK day. yes, FUCK. my day was started facing mrs yeo and the others who skipped remedial yesterday, and who knew that bad luck was right ahead of me. i quarelled with miss chin for being so "unreasonable". okay, so i am being scolded because i said a few words to cheryl and corrie during silent reading? i mean, what the fuck? corrie was just telling me something before she goes home and cheryl was also telling me something! and another thing: teachers are so freaking idiotic! they catch us for our little mistakes like keeping long fingernails, tucking out shirts, wearing ankle socks and having not-so-obvious streaks of brown hair! ahh! it isn't as if they were some striking colors like pink or orange? and so what if our shirts come out in the middle of the day? what will happen to them?? will they die before us because our shirts are tucked out and they can't see our school name on our socks?? grr! oh! and i suppose they'll be killed by our long fingernails! argh! i hate school rules! i hate those mean old teachers! i hate her! i hate them! i hate everyone!
we have to freaking serve detention for one hour! grr! like what crystal always say, "waste our time!".

i don't get it.
every corner of my eye, there was you.
i wasn't even sure if i wanted to see what i always see.
it's weird, totally.

yay! i'm finished with all my talking! hmm, i think i'll just go now 'cos it's 1 am, and it's a school day, and i'm still angry with her, and i just wanna be alone with my damn potatoes and eat 'em. delphine, ya want? hah! ;)

yo, hey bro!
happy birthday
to you!
miss you much. :)

love makes the world go round.

ok. i have got to smile the moment i heard their voices. everything is doing great now. no more misunderstanding shits already. and their love is all going strong. some has the motto 'everyday, habit is war', like my dearest princess and karl. some makes the love stronger by just being in the relationship, doing everything they can just to live everyday together, like my sweetheart abi and her alvin. i/we don't really like that guy but we can't do anything with that. it's called LOVE.

couples-to-be like aiko+phillip;megs+MM (aka moses), all's going well. except that sometimes there can be fights and misuderstandings. now that's what i call NORMAL.

and when sometimes, you think that misuderstandings can never be looked at another view, miracles may happen, and that is what friendship is all about.

miracles are everywhere, you just don't know where and when they'll come.

love is what keeps friendships going on, and stronger. as long as there's love, and as long as there's a friend's love, everything will go on fine. like my honey pies megs, aiko, sheena and phillip. you may look tough, you may act tough, but your heart will never ever be tough. and as i said, tears are more powerful than words, because that is what keeps our friendship going strong. no words, just thoughts and feelings for each other. :)

i'm miles away from them, but i am so, so glad that we're still strong, and that i can still get them to stick together like glue.

blood is thicker than water.
we assure each other of that.
because we are brothers and sisters by heart.

hearts in between:
because ILOVE 'EM!
ILOVETHEM ALL!
sheens stan
megs m&m
aiko phillip
abi alvin
karl princess
mhir (?) kirk :)
ben.nikki.ais.jane.

happy birthday
megs!* :)
iloveyou meggie!

it matters.

i just realised that:
tears are more powerful than words.
words, if expressed correctly, can be as powerful as tears.

and i wonder-
if people like me could not express words correctly, neither can i fill my eyes with tears of joy or sorrow, how far can i go?

when you take the expressway to one person's heart, did you really make it inside, or are you just trying to fit yourself in?
and what if you took the wrong train? how far can you go on making mistakes? how would you make it back there if you don't know how to?
when will you know if you're mistaken, and when will you know if it's the end of everything?
will mistakes that goes so far ever be forgotten by time or by everyone? or by yo and me?

life, as a secondary school student would always say, sucks.

here i am.

there i was: walking into my past again. as i look at my huge mistake, i thought- what am i doing peeping through a little hole doing some underground business. maybe i'm like those people who hide under a tree doing some secret stuffs nobody knows. but hello? i guess some people know what i'm talking about but i don't care anymore. it's all a living past, and i suppose no one could ever help, not even ourselves.

i updated this morning at the com lab. oh yea, we were kinda having fun. and as i said,
tan lili is a big lazy pig!
bwahaha!

okay, his birthday. we spent some time at orchard that day. ahh, and it's like, orchard?? again??. !! i mean, helloo! singapore, such a small country! where else can we go?? we are town people you know! anyhow, we drank starbucks, walked under the sun. hmm, maybe he enjoyed it but i didn't okay! i was sweating profusely with my gorgeous skirt and black shirt! and such an idiot i could be, BLACK SHIRT?? my gosh! i didn't even consider looking out my window before picking out an outfit!

yea, so after starbucks was cd hunting at hmv, and then we ate our long, juicy HOTDOGS. yea, hotdogs. and they are really juicy! tasty-licious!

town was too boring so i brought him to my home, where we hung out for hours and hours. mum bought an oreo cake for him and it's not really a big surprise 'cos i think he already knew about it. but everything went fine.

so we ate our cake, then blahblahblah, talked talked, with my sister, then blahblahblah, then he went home. yea, around 10 something. there was school the next day.

monday monday. what the hell happened that monday? i can't really remember! all i remembered was that after school, we stayed in class, talking about sex stuffs, virginity, blahblahblah, while doing our art! it was all so fun, and we found out many different talents and experties from people like xue zhi, crystal, and.. ME! mwahaha!

after everything corrie, crystal, shirley and i went with chermaine to town for clothes. oh yeahh, and delphine was sick, so yea. she didn't come. then blahblah. not everyone was in a good mood 'cos some are sick like my dearest shirley. hah! ;) and oh! i finally remembered what happened. :)

the next day was half-day, so obviously more people didn't come to school. (shirley, crystal, delphine). we kinda went shopping for clothes that day, to bugis. chermaine, trish and corrie bought stuffs but i didn't! wanna know why?? IT'S ALL BECAUSE OF A STUPID PAIR OF PANTS I WANT! I KNOW WHAT EXACTLY I WANT BUT I COULDN'T FIND IT ANYWHERE! AND I WAS SO PISSED OFF BECAUSE I TRIED OUT COUNTLESS OF JEANS AND NONE OF THEM SEEMS TO PLEASE ME! there! i vent out my anger already. ahh, still pissed. i need a pair of pants!

no school meant rotting for me, so for the past two days, all i did was sleep eat stone sleep watch sex&thecity sleep eat while watching sex&thecity stone watch sex&thecity again watch other shows sleep.
and PS, I WASN'T HORNY. NEITHER AM I A HORNY PERSON.

bahh! i was forced to go to school today! my eyes wouldn't close this morning! and i don't wanna talk about today! i had an okay day actually, i just don't wanna type out what happened.

BYEE!!

happy birthday
yuni

and when the black and white's gone,
everything went gray.
and that's my world,
as gray as can be.

belated happy chinese new year
to everyone! :)

wahaha!

im in the com lab now.. hehe.
havin maths. with shirley, delphine and chermaine!
stupid lili tan! never come to school!
hmph! lazy pig! haha..
crystal and corrie also. hehe..

shit! i haven't update for so long liao..
ahh! but i don't think i can update now. hehe

we're fooling around here!
bwahaha!

spinning around
thinking of you-

the usual i guess.

monday
ahh! art remedial after school. we were supposed to go to abc market or whatever that place is called, at queensway. but in the end, lili crystal chermaine and me stayed at mac instead to do our art. then dom came, then blahblah, the guys came then blahblah. then um, went off. sat at somewhere in ghim moh for a while till like, 8 plus, then went home.

tuesday
they had a match, me a lili headed to orchard to get her's and chermaine's jay cd. erm then went to buy my hotdog, and lili was so disgusted on the way the lady prepares it. haha! she was totally grossed out okay! hah! ahh, then walked around, blahblah, then went home.

wednesday
-02february2005
oh! i skipped chinese b 'cos of the long journey, um. and i think also because i was tired? hee.., um, waited for lili at mac. then siew feng and her friends came in, then blahblah. then lili was like, taking so long. hmm, then i bought my bottled milk then went home. talked to suryadi on the bus journey. haha, kinda fun. :)

happy birthday
guo hui

thursday
-03february2005
watched feng shui after school at cine. i partnered crystal 'cos all of them had their partners. we were talking non-stop okay. ahh, talk about lots of crap. hmm, lili and chermaine didn't come along by the way. err, then after they ate their dinner we went home. think they were tired or something. yea.

happy birthday
chuan yu! :)
we miss you like crazy!

friday
yep. whole day with him. skipped guides. uhm, they had a match, then lili went for np. hehe. we went to orchard, looked around shops, and i found this gorgeous bag! ahh! it's totally cool okay! it's the way i wanted it to be! ahh! but too bad i'm broke. :( guess i'd have to drool over it again. erm, we went to eat at the usual place at far east. hmm, then went home at around 5plus to 6 'cos he's got piano. yea.
------/

-05february2005
uhh, ehh. um supposed to go out with chuan yu, but was postponed to maybe next week or next next week? hmm, then was supposed to go with domdom, ahh but too tired. hmm, then i went out with my big bro instead. um, to claim something and to do something. can't say it out now 'cos it's a secret until tomorrow. hehe.. :)