blues.

i actually didn't wanna blog but i suddenly had an urge to do so. i don't know why but my fingers just kinda itches. it's like i wanna type out some stuffs which i can't type out here. so, what i'm planning to do now is to keep my fingers occupied so that i won't type anything nonsensical or rather, anything displeasing or hurtful to some.

i went to school today for guides to do some banner stuffs for the sec ones next friday. it was kinda messy at first 'cos we had no idea on what to do. then finally we had some so eugenia asked me to write the words 'cos she hadn't touched a single pen for 2 months. so, i did the writing and it appeared to be kinda nice. that stupid shike even thought i had vandalized walls before 'cos my so-called writing was like a professional vandalizer's.

i screwed up spraying the "guides" 'cos the spray color's also kinda screwed up and i was kinda pissed but it was like, it's okay, jurv-ia. it's nothing. haha. then i was back to normal, then blahblahblah. ahh! i don't wanna talk about this! lemme talk about something else!

hmm.

replies
edmund haha.. of course i care! haha. it's just that i was kinda lazy yesterday so i didn't reply lor. haha!
huiyii hey! you are NOT fat okay! seriously, you aren't fat in any way! you're cute but you're NOT fat! cute people like YOU aren't fat! haha! and he's not mean! oh please don't scold him. he's not he's not okay? we're just playing. haha! but i'll make sure you'll have the chance to box and torture him if he bullies me okay? haha! you're the only one who's been given this great privilege ehh, so you must treasure it! wahaha! ;P

from the heart and soul
ting ignore them! ignore them all! their just a bunch of crazy people who's out to do craps and shit. ignore them and cheer up okay? :)
jiee are you ALRIGHT? have you recovered from your FEVER? haha! just asking. take care of yourself ehh. don't always get sick! fight off those flus! haha! take care! iloveyou!
lili aw man! school's reopening soon. i miss you so damn much! oie! update your blog la, girl! i've nothing to do nowadays eh.
gang i miss you guys!! ahh! see you guys on the 3rd! iloveyouguys! kisses kisses and more kisses!
husband! having a great time there, eh? forgot all about me. sobs!* nah, can understand that 'cos your com's kinda crazy. i can't do anything bout it. :( belated merry christmas and an early new year! better keep to your new resolutions now, sweetheart. and! have fun with your luvs there! but love me too okay? haha! love ya!
megs! you didn't even bring me to your next holiday! how dare you! bad girl! :( you didn't even visit me! you went abroad without me and then you left me here during christmas?! how dare you! i texted you and there was no reply and i tried calling but your cell was turned off! hmpf! you didn't even gimme the chance to say i miss you and all. remember my presents okay? i'm gonna kill you if you don't even send me a present. hah! mwah mwah mwah babes!
aiko! honey! it's been like AGES since i last spoke to you! where are you?! i called you and you were outside with whoever and i felt really bad 'cos it was ben who i talked to and not you. i really miss you hons! oh! and, tell you something. say I DO if you really love him. believe me. everythings gonna work out perfectly. trust me darling. have faith in yourself. iloveyou darling. :)

ahh. it seems like my heart's so light now. it's lighter now, really. i can't believe how easily i can be fooled with just a few iloveyou's. argh! but i do love you. i really REALLY do. it's just that i'm poisoning myself with thoughts i shouldn't be bothering about. it hurts to untie myself but i have to.

have i ever?
could i ever?

pimple attack!

arghh! pimples! arghh! i wanna kill myself already! arghh! it won't go away! what should i do?! i can't help but squeez 'em real hard! ahh! beat my hands up! beat 'em beat 'em! arghh!

ahh enough with the pimples.
i went to buy my books yesterday. was supposed to meet lili at 9.30am but i was too lazy to get outta bed so i just told her to go with geraldine. haha. sorry lili.

i slept for awhile more and then off i go to ghim moh to meet dom. then blah blah blah, then went to school to buy my books. then he helped me carry the heavy ones while i carry the super light ones. haha!

okay, so we went in the cd shop there and i was kinda tempted to buy the sims 2 but nahh. 'cos i don't think it can work with my com. com's kinda slow for it. hee.

headed to the shoe shop to buy my shoes then ate at the market. i ate my nasi lemak while he ate his western food (??) plus a plate of fries. then he told me something really, REALLY mean. "now i know why you're so fat." (hmm. okay, change that to you're fatter than me 'cos you're so fat sounds kinda ugly.) haha! but it's okay 'cos i admit that i'm kinda fat 'cos i really grew this hols. haha! and it's soo soo obvious that i'm fatter than him okay! haha! but it is SO UNFAIR 'cos he eats three times more than me! and then it's like i'm three times fatter than him! wahaha! nahh, just exaggerating. haha!

we shared a cab. he went to queenstown to find his buddies while i went to my homesweethome.
ahh nice. slept the whole time i was at home. nice. damn nice. :)

oh! daddikins and bro just came back from the phil. ahh.

was supposed to go to ubin with them to cycle. haha! kinda lazy, and dad just came back. i don't wanna go out. haha! i think they went to east coast instead. :)

i miss cycling i miss cycling i miss cycling!

27december2004
happy birthday
ainna! :)

yesterday, all my troubles seem so far away.

sugar cane-like replies
hui haha! don't be jealous.. i'm sorry alright? haha. 'cos doing two things at the same time isn't that good you know. haha! i love you okay? and dom will NOT get jealous, i swear! haha!
huiyiii heyy! yep, i did enjoy my christmas. hee.. it was kinda fun even though i didn't get exactly what i wanted. nahh, it's okay. it's the thought that counts anyway. :), take care too! :)
#tingting belated merry christmas! haha! did your wishes come true? ahh, mine didn't actually. but it's okay. i had a fun time though so never mind. take care ALWAYS! :)

christmas christmas-
met up with domdom at orchard yesterday to celebrate christmas. we went to find his cousin at a billabong shop 'cos he wanted to buy some stuffs. boy, he was on shopping spree. and he took very long shopping okay! he's soo like a girl! i don't shop like that okay! ahh! i was bored so i called a few people. i tried calling megs but her cell was turned off. she went to somewhere abroad for vacation. tried calling aiko but she was out with some people so i talked to ben for a while instead.

and then after his shopping around i begged and begged for us to go take neos but i failed! ahh never mind.

okok. ate at kfc. we actually wanted to watch a movie but there weren't any nice movies so never mind (again!). oh my god! i'm so gonna kill people! i'm so damn pissed!! arghh! bridget jones: the edge of reason, blade trinity and meet the fockers are all nc-16! arghh! those are the three movies that i wanted to watch the most! arghh! i wanted to sneak in with him but ahh, forget it. i wanted to watch phantom of the opera too but it's at lido and i'm kinda lazy to walk all the way there so forget it (again!!).

so, we have nowhere to go so i suggested that we buy gummy bears at heeren. i was so desperate to take neos that he actually thought i was trying to trick him. but no, i wasn't okay! honest!

we went in and sat at the fountain there instead of buying gummies. we had nowhere to go! ahh! i said i wanted to go to the beach but we'll look silly with jeans! then i said we could go kbox. we called crystal but she doesn't wanna go 'cos she's broke. ahh, never mind (again again!), it's okay.
ahh! then we went in hmv. argh! i felt like dancing but i can't do that there! people will think i'm a psycho! haha! omg! i saw my smallville dvd's and i really want to have them but it's $100 plus! how am i supposed to get them if i still have to save up for an mp3 player and spend my money for christmas presents? ahh, okay, forget it (again again!!).

i haven't bought my mum's, sis's and lil bro's gifts so we decided to go christmas shopping. haha. it's kinda late but it's okay.

looked around the wallet shop 'cos mum's been wanting a new wallet. i walked around the shop a few times and i still couldn't find the wallet. arghh! i picked one out, the prettiest among the row but still kinda ugly, and i have already decided to pay for it. but good thing he saved me from buying that horrible wallet! the moment i saw it, i knew it is the one. haha! so i went to pay for it and it felt really good!

okay so, one down two more to go! went around the mall trying to spot the perfect earrings for my dear sister. went in mini toons. it was sparkling all over and it kinda made my eyes tired. i was trying really, really hard to find the perfect earrings for her but i couldn't find any! but anyway, he found the perfect earring for sis and it's really great! he's really better than me at shopping.

yay! the only one left is my lil bro's. but his gift is the hardest of the hardest to find. i have no idea what to give him.

taka was really over-crowded yesterday okay! and i don't feel like buying the present anymore 'cos i don't see the point of buying a present for a naughty boy. santa don't give presents to naughty children so why must i?? but he encouraged me to buy 'cos he said it's the season of giving (which is my line, actually).

ahh. i wanted to sit 'cos i'm so tired but he insisted on finding something for my bro so, yep. in the end, he found something for my lil bro.

we cabbed home 'cos i was not in the mood to wait for the bus. he went up my house and then assembled the toy for my lil bro. he ate there and he wanted to wait for my sis to give her the gift. my sis came at around 11pm and then we gave her the earrings and the perfume. we kinda shared presents by the way. :)

ahh, he stayed a while more and he went home at 12 something.
oh, wonderful wonderful.

ahh. i doubt that my christmas wish will come true.
oh obviously it won't!
-sighss*

here i am.

chirstmas celebration
-23december2004
corrie, crystal, lili, chermaine and tricia came at around 03.45pm. we watched 50 first dates and then halfway through the show, shirley and delphine came. some of us felt hungry so we planned to order pizza from canadian. it was soo soo funny 'cos they dialled the wrong number and then called that same number a few times i think. wahaha! hmm. it was a good thing i remembered the number and then gave it to them. haha! lili was kinda pissed 'cos their service wasn't that good. haha! and then blah blah blah, the pizza came, we ate it, and then exchanged gifts. we picked lots twice 'cos delphine took her own number the first time. delphine got mine, corrie got delphine's, i got corrie's, crystal got tricia's, chermaine got lili's, and.. i forgot the others. haha!

we watched a bit of double happiness 2, and then we kinda pulled crystal 'cos she doesn't wanna let go of the tv. so we went downstairs to swim. everyone was shivering 'cos the water was cold and it was very windy. we swam and swam and swam. then we went to bathe.

i went down with them 'cos i wanna go eat with them. we took a cab for tricia and lili first, then off we went to the food junction. we were eating so slowly that we were the last to go. i think it was about 10.30pm

headed to shell to buy sweets and other stuffs. saw fann wong's comic book which costs $19.90. chermaine was curious so she bought it. and then we went to the bus stop. there weren't any cabs there. ahh! and then i went off first at 11.00pm. hehe.

-if only you were here

christmas eve
i bummed around 'cos i was the only one left at home. hah! they went to somewhere. ahh i don't know! was supposed to go with my sis to the mango sale but i was lazy. -grins*
went to the duck tour that night. ahh! don't ever go there! you'll just waste your money! i swear it's not worth it! it's soo soo stupid! i swear!

christmas
i'm still at home. going out later with dom later.

happy birthday
philson!

replies
hui merry christmas too sweetie. i love you! enjoy your christmas!
huiyi hey! enjoy your christmas too okay! yep! going out with him later! :) merry christmas!

ahh! i dreamed last night! it is soo soo nice! exactly what i wished for! omg! how i wish it was real. :(

for this christmas,
ive gotten myself
a very special wish.

i hereby wish upon
this lil special thing,
glowing like a xmas tree

-i wish FOR you;
i wish ONLY for you.

:) -may my wish come true*

merry christmas peeps!
i love you guys!
from the bottom of my heart.
i love you.

my results!

Disorder	Rating
Paranoid:	High
Schizoid:	Low
Schizotypal:	Low
Antisocial:	Moderate
Borderline:	Low
Histrionic:	Moderate
Narcissistic:	Moderate
Avoidant:	Low
Dependent:	High
Obsessive-Compulsive:	Moderate
-- Personality Disorder Test - Take It! --

yay! they're all coming over to my house to exchange presents! yay! it'll be fun! haha! yipee yay yay! yeah.. gotta stop blogging now. tata!

#[tingting] i'll try k, ting. :) but it won't be easy. :( hehe. thanks. :)
hui haha! i haven't wrapped it yesterday but i did it already! haha! actually, it isn't me. it's my aunt. haha! i don't know how to wrap. haha!

just replies.

hmm. alright. here's just some reply to the tags before i log off.
athiyah thank you for the compliment! hehe. and thank you so much for comforting me. :) i will cheer up okay? i'm TRYING to let go. but it's kinda hard, and i kinda don't want to 'cos of all the memories. oh! the whole things kinda complicated. maybe i'll tell ya some other time okay? hmm. and i think i know your number. take care!! i miss you soo soo much! love ya!
hui hehe. okay sure. i'll call ya anytime. and do call me too if your bored at home okay? hmm. i've already bought the presents for tomorrow. but i haven't wrap it up yet. and i don't have wrapping paper! arghh! ahh who cares. haha! see ya tomorrow okay? and ignore that stupid doodleboard. it's got some stupid problem. hah! love ya!
edmundo hey! you're welcome. um, you linked me last time and you tagged me too remember? you asked me to link ya and then i did. that's how i know your url. merry x'mas too! see ya next year!
neT you're welcome you're welcome. haha! i miss you all of a sudden you know. hope to see you again next year! haha. and it's better if i see you with your hair dyed. haha!
#[tingting] hey! thanks! you're blog's nicer. you're better than me on codes. haha! blogger queen! haha! winks!*
huiyiii haha! YOU ARE WELCOME! you don't have to thank me so much for what i did. haha! it's what i'm supposed to do when you're in need! and how many times must i tell you to just look for me whenever you have problems? haha! i'm always here for you okay? i love you!

wish upon a star, wherever you are. and don't ever stop till your wishes come true.

i'm in a more stable peace of mind this morning. thank god!, i love you.

well, that was what i thought. 'cos everything seems to have been blown off by the wind. but everything's still there. i'm still carrying it around me, everywhere i go. but i'm trying to tie off that knot between us. i'm trying, it's still hard though. hope is already like my shadow. it follows me everywhere.

there was fire out of nowhere again. what is happening? i really don't understand. all the bitch came out of me all of a sudden. i don't know why. i turned into a beast, an unfeeling one.

but as i look at the dog who's been with me for 185 days, i knew that i couldn't let go. i love boo, i love him. my heart melts so easily whenever i look at it's eyes. it's full of mystery, sometimes anguish. i could not let go so easily.

so now i have to hide the beast within me, or rather, take it all away completely. i have to try!
i can't have everything in life. i chose this path and i'm walking straight ahead, but lemme peep at the other road sometimes okay? :(

let's get together, yea yea yeah..

hah! my cousins! they came to visit from hong kong. well we're not really that close 'cos we barely see each other but it's still fun being with them.

tong-tong is the same age as me, but i'm still older by a few months. he was so quiet at first because we didn't talk at all! i think he was shy. but oh my, a few hours later, he began yakking non-stop and he was laughing like hell about everything! oh my god! and he was laughing at how i spoke chinese! haha! and we were laughing about singlish because of the lah's and loh's at the end of every sentence, and about how i tried speaking cantonese. i just couldn't! i get so tongue-tied! haha! and you know what, without the lah's loh's mah's and meh's, the sentence doesn't seem to sound right. try it! hah!

oh! and i had this crazy idea of planning to go to hong kong to study, because i really miss my other cute cousin there. i miss our overnight trips and our non-stop laughing and.. everything! aww. and he's so sweet..! he misses me too! and oh my gosh! he has a girlfriend already! haha! he's got a girlfriend only after going there for 2 months! hah! he is so DAMN cool! my, he won the girl's heart after only 2 short months! haha! and i didn't think that he'll get a girlfriend so soon 'cos he's kinda childlike before. whoo!~ he surely changed a lot! god, i miss him!
but, you know what, i'm kinda serious about the hong kong thing. but too bad, i don't think i'll ever get to go there to study. haha! but i really wanna learn cantonese though. haha! inspired by my greatest and coolest cousin! :)

okay, so anyhow, back to my cousin tong-tong. hmm. we have lots of things in common! we both love swimming, hate veggies, snore kinda lots (he snores more than me okay!), farts and burps loudly (okay, you got me. just keep quiet okay? =D), and blah blah blah. i shan't continue. haha! i might get exposed over some stuffs. haha! hmm. but he's totally sick! he loves watching the happy tree family! in case you don't know what it consist of, it's full of bloody cartoons being tortured! oh my god! what is he? a kind of sadist?! haha! i kept screaming and yelling at him while the the clip was playing! and he kept laughing and was enjoying watching the whole bloody thing! eeww! fine, stop nagging about happy tree. he HATES volleyball! i can't believe he hates it! haha! it's such a lovely sport! a cool sport! better than his stupid rugby i guess. haha!

hui yes girl! i'm a very bored girl, you know that. hehe. well anyway, i'll cheer up okay? well, at least i'll try because, .. you know why right? haha! tag me more often okays? 'cos i miss you super duper lots! and i'll call ya when i have some hot gossips okay? or maybe YOU call me if you have some. hah!
huiyi i miss you too jiee! hmm. it's hard not to be sad, you know. it's easy to say it but it's really tougher doing it. and fyi, it IS possible for the both of us to not talk for the next 2 years given this situation i'm in. it's really complicated. :( hmm.? have i mentioned that i miss you? haha!

deep in my heart-

i'm trying to put on a brave front. to smile and joke and laugh and be funny in front of others, and pretend everything is okay. but i am so NOT okay, really. i feel so lost, so exhausted mentally and emotionally. balancing my loss, my relationship and my best friends isn't as easy. it feels like i'm trapped in a box stabbed with daggers. i couldn't breathe.

i'm losing you, bit by bit. day by day, you seem to be distancing yourself from me. i couldn't feel you anymore, i have lost the ability to feel your presence.

i feel so angry, so lost, so afraid, so hopeful and at the same time, hopeless too. and because i don't know if this will ever have an ending, i feel so crushed. noone else is to blame except for myself.

i feel so stupid for making so many mistakes and still not learning from them. i feel so dumb, i'm such an IDIOT.

ignorance is bliss.
but i can't always be left in the dark. i don't want to. i want to know everything. i want to face reality but not accept it(?!). what is wrong with me?!

i've so many hopes, but will they ever be achieved? and when your hopes crash, you'll feel more misery. so why bother to hope?
if you hope, you'll expect. if you expect, you'll be hurt.
why bother why bother?
hope is the first step on the path towards disappointment.

hope- you build them up, only to be destroyed over and over again.

wicked reality.

`_no more. gone. forever?!

hopes of mine, shattered right before me.
IT IS gone.
IT IS really no more.
and IT IS really forever.

but reality just sucks! sucks like hell!
i don't know, can i ever accept this reality?
can i ever?

because i know that i did it. i know i did those things! because i know that i can't change it and i know that i can't do anything about it. i know NOW that i'll never be forgiven. i know that this is reality and i know that i have to live with it but i still know that I CAN'T!

i was falling, because you grew on me.

today= one of those days
those days when i ask myself why i actually bother.
why it bothers when he doesn't seem to care at all
it feels like everything else is more important to me,
but i still feel so shut out, abandoned.

there's this flickering glinter of hope, where i hope that everything will be forgotten, and hoping so much that things will change with time and situation.
oh perhaps it'll end up happilly or all candy-dandy. but i doubt so.

7 more days before christmas comes. i'll make sure i wish upon a shining star. i'm depending on that little star, to make all my dreams and hopes come true. i couldn't wait till my birthday comes. it's way too long.

ugh! well, there are also times when i feel the need for belonging to someone i belong to in return. argh! i used to have it all, but what happened??

I don't know but i believe,
That some things are meant to be,
And that you'll make a better me,
Everyday I love you.
I never thought that dreams came true,
But you showed me that they do,
You know that I learn something new,
Everyday I love you.
'Cos I believe that destiny,
Is out of our control (don't you know that I do),
And you'll never live until you love
With all your heart and soul.
If I asked would you say yes?
Together we're the very best.
I know that I am truly blessed,
Everyday I love you.
And I'll give you my best,
Everyday I love you.

oh god, i miss you like nuts! argh!

don't know how much longer i can hang on this way.

woke up real early! 5ive! ahh! but it's worth it anyway.

basically the whole gang was there, minus chermaine, plus tricia and 3 other guys.
i felt like half the whole time we were there, all we did was to take and photos and it kinda made me feel, uh, i don't know. hah! but whatever! i'm just exaggerating anyway. haha!

hmm. then while i was there, i felt kinda, uh, i don't know! ahh! sleepy? ahh! i don't know! i just feel weird! haha!

so numb yet so hurt
so hurt yet so full of pride
so full of pride yet so narrow-minded
so narrow-minded yet so ..

so numb- it's already a habit

so hurt- inside, i'm burning.

so full of pride- it matters, does it?

so narrow-minded- nothing's gonna change.

life's like that.

ahh well. life seems to be a drag now that it's the hols, and i'm not doing anything else besides blogging. hm. maybe reading a book is a good idea but i have read almost every book i can find in my house! it's like, when you're doing nothing, you really have absolutely nothing to do besides being a couch potato. and when you're busy, everything that you need to do just piles up in front of you! what the hell! ahh! i'm so so bored.

and when you're bored, you dream. you day-dream. that's the first thing anyone would do. when you start dreaming about how beautiful and pretty everything seems to be, you'll wake up, finding yourself in reality. your life. life has killed the dream, your beautiful and perfect dream.

Girl when you hold me, how you control me
You bend and you fold me, anyway you please
It must be easy for you, the loving things that you do
But just a pastime for you, I could never be

And I never know, girl
If I should stay or go
'Cos the games that you play
Keep driving me away

Don't love me for fun, girl
Let me be the one, girl
Love me for a reason
Let the reason be love

Kisses and caresses, are only minor tests, babe
Of love lead to stresses, between a woman and a man
So if love everlasting, isn't what you're asking
I'll have to pass, girl, and proudly take a stand

I can't continue guessing
Because it's only messing
With my pride and my mind
So write down this time to time

Don't love me for fun, girl
Let me be the one, girl
Love me for a reason
Let the reason be love

I'm just a little old-fashioned
It's take more than physical attraction
My initial reaction is honey give me love

Don't love me for fun, girl
Let me be the one, girl
Love me for a reason
Let the reason be love

lyrics
it puts into music what we're feeling
a form of expression

ahh.

happy birthday

joyce&jane! :)

nothing lasts forever, i'm sorry i can't be perfect.

dear you,
i haven't been a friend of yours for a long time, but it certainely is long enough to know and understand how you feel, that you need someone to confide in, to love you unconditionally, to trust and believe in you without giving you stares from judging eyes.

let me be that someone.
if only you will forgive me.
and would it be too much to ask if you could forget about the past too?

p.s. confidential information. no stating of names.