Obama’s Book - A Promised Land

I just finished reading President Obama’s new book, which focuses on his journey from grassroots activism, rise to the US Senate, presidency, and his first term of the presidency. It’s started my political awakening - I’m much more enlightened about US politics, how it works, and why it’s so difficult to get anything done. I felt both more hopeful and more hopeless about things changing in the US democracy - in a way because we give voice to all, we end up giving voice to none.

I learned how as a president, Obama had to weigh each decision along political lines, how to garner support from both Democrats and Republicans, and that generally the opposing political party just flat out refused to cooperate or vote in his favor. Even if it made sense to do so, or that it would make thousands or millions of lives better, they chose to give the president a hard time in the hopes that he will fail and look bad, so they can take power next election.

This is just politicking. It’s not helping the people, it’s an excuse to get votes from more extreme sides of the political divide, and not wanting to be seen as cooperative or helping “the other side”. This is horrifying, that politics is literally driving this country apart. What would democracy lead to, if not a pitting of one side against the other? Would it end up in civil war? Are we humans doomed to always fighting each other?

When and how can we work together to make the world a better place, without the need to put each other down? On big issues like climate change, foreign policy, human rights, racism - there are so many things we need to work together on. It’s frustrating to read about them in Obama’s book and see what he has to deal with from his Congress. This is why I don’t like politics, and I think being president is a really tough and unenviable job.

No matter what the president did, someone would hate on it - whether it’s the ones opposing what he's doing, or the ones complaining he's not doing enough. Moreover, he had to make a lot of speeches - a lot of speeches! It’s quite crazy reading about what his day to day was like, and how he came up with various options and alternatives as he made decisions on each issue. It’s like a CEO who has to manage multiple adversarial, powerful stakeholders with their own agendas, and run a giant bureaucratic company without sinking the ship. At the same time, he had to manage his branding and the public’s opinion of every decision or non-decision he made. He’s also at risk of being assassinated, his life and his family being subject to scrutiny and attack, and being restricted in places to go, etc. What a tough job. What a tough life.

I cried more than I ever had for any book - romance, tragedy, or tearjerker - and I’m frankly surprised at how emotional I got at Obama’s writing. He has a way to pull at your heartstrings, for you to become passionate about his wins or losses, and make you feel touched simply through words. I can understand how that makes him such a good president. He knows how to tell a good story, and use the right anecdotes to relate to the people.

For those of you interested in the book - be forewarned that his book is not easy reading. It took me 19+ hours to finish, and over 3 weeks (mostly during my holiday break). It’s hard to read more than 1 or 2 chapters at a time, as it will make you reflect and turn introspective - about your life, your choices, your impact on the world. About politics, society and our very human nature. It makes you question and then hope that all the little things we struggle through will end up making a difference.

I gave the book 5/5 stars, and you can read my Goodreads review if you’d like to learn more. Also for those of you who are reading / has read it - message me! I’d love to discuss some of your thoughts on it as well :)

Rainie's New Songs!!

Ahhh I’m so excited! Rainie Yang has a new album that's coming out on November 6 - in fact she's already released 4 of the songs. I like her new hairstyle and look in this album - she always experiments with her hair length, color and style for each album. It's almost a thing to identify which Rainie album/era a song is from just by her hair haha.

The first song is called "Bad Lady", which is a catchy dance song about female power. You'll recognize a lot of cultural references, like Harley Quinn from the Joker, and Cruella De Vil from 101 Dalmatians. Rainie said she wasn't going to do any more dance songs, but she ended up doing this after all. In the midst of COVID - I'm quite impressed that she's putting in so much effort to prepare, rehearse the choreography, and making these songs.

The second song is "Singing in the Rain", which is my favorite so far! It's more jazzy and a little different from her usual pop style. I really like her venturing into this laidback chill vibes, I've been listening more and more to songs in this style these days. I think her voice is well suited to it, and I hope she makes more music like this.

The third song is a collaboration with Cyndi Wang, called "Girls". Watching the behind the scenes and Rainie's social media posts...wow I didn't know they were so close! I used to like Cyndi when I was in my teens, but I’ve always liked Rainie better; Cyndi's a little too cutesy and unnatural-looking... either way I'm really liking the strong female vibes from this album! 

The fourth song is another favorite of mine, mostly because of the story behind it. "Like a Star" is just released today, and I started tearing up as I watched it. It documented Rainie's entire career of over 21 years from its humble beginnings, through hosting the entertainment show "Guess", through acting, singing, and becoming famous. I've been a fan for all this time, so I got all the references to each scene. I definitely felt a lot of nostalgia walking down memory lane with her, and it's amazing how she hasn't aged at all over the years. Or maybe it's the amazing things that makeup and Asian genes can do haha. This song is definitely for the fans out there.

You should check out these music videos if you're interested! They're all in Chinese but they have English subtitles in closed caption, and the storylines are quite easy to follow. Let me know if you like any of her music, it would be great to fangirl (or fanboy) over Rainie together :D.

Reflecting on Minor Feelings

I just finished this book called “Minor Feelings” by Cathy Park Hong, who is a Korean American writer and poet. The book is a collection of essays where she explores her Asian American identity, feelings of shame and depression, dynamics with her female artistic friends, and about her family. 

In the first half of the book, I didn’t really like it. The writing was really good, very poetic and beautifully written, almost too difficult for me to understand with all her big words and strong stances. It’s the kind of book that is meant to be hard to read, that is provocative and pushed you out of your comfort zone. It’s meant to make you reflect and think about the issues that Asians face in America, and evoke emotions, make you want to DO something about it. 

It was weird, and indeed it made me feel uncomfortable reading it. All I wanted was some easy reading, and I didn’t want to do any work on myself or around the topics. I didn’t quite relate to some of her issues as I grew up as part of the Chinese majority in Singapore, with all the privileges associated with it. Even though now I experience some of the issues as an immigrant Asian in the US, even as I can understand and empathize, it still feels somewhat foreign. I also didn’t relate to the artistic or activist sentiments that Cathy felt strongly about, I’m all for peace and comfort - somehow her provocative stance offended my sensibilities. It makes me want to say - not my problem - and move on.

It wasn’t until the last essay that her story resonated very strongly with me. She wrote about how the US had not treated Asians or other non-white groups fairly in its history, and still doesn’t in many ways. It reminded me of why I came here in the first place, with my naive, stereotypical belief in the American dream of freedom and land of opportunity. It feels like a betrayal to me (and my family) that I chose this country over my home country, this very country that didn’t seem to value my Asian or immigrant identities. While I’m grateful for all the opportunities I’ve received here, it doesn’t condone all the wrongs that the US has done against Asians. 

Cathy wrote about the Japanese Americans placed in internment camps, about the Vietnam War, about the US’ involvement in splitting up Korea into the North and South, and other atrocities that were committed against Asians. She showed how Asian artists were treated differently than white artists, not just in the artistic sphere but also in daily life.

Her writing was so provocative and full of feeling that it made me tear up and cry, finally. In the last 15 pages, I bawled and cried my eyes out as I deplored the difficulties Asian Americans had to face. It’s a terrible dilemma as this is the country Asian Americans call home, it’s where they’re born and raised. It was eye opening and I finally let myself sit with the discomfort and explore it within myself, truly reflect on how and why it’s making me feel bad. It made me really think hard about why I’m choosing the US as my home instead of my home country. Am I making the right choice?

I think every country has their own issues and things that we won’t like, we need to be able to live with the good and bad but also want to make a difference. Minor Feelings succeeded in making a statement to advocate for non-white rights, simply by showing me how it was like for non-white Americans throughout history and today. 

It’s the first time I had cried at a book like this, simply because of eloquent and evocative language. I’m really amazed at how a book has been able to overcome my defenses both subtly and explicitly, all just through words and stories. It’s the first time I’ve experienced how a well written prose can make such a difference, that it can effect change in people.

I’d highly recommend it for all Asian Americans, but also my friends who want to understand the conflicting identities of being both Asian and American. Maybe you will go through a revelatory experience the way I did.

The Way I want to Live

I've been taking The Art of Self-Coaching course offered by Stanford in the last 2 months - it's a self-paced online course with YouTube videos and readings that anyone can take, so feel free to check it out if you're interested. 

I learned some new topics that were interesting for me on self-awareness, coaching and attention, while other topics were familiar to me as I previously took a Coursera class on positive psychology and resilience. This week, I took time off work and am trying to finish the self-coaching class (I'm on lesson 8 out of 9!). Today, I read these 2 readings and they really resonated with me:

1. Victor Frankl on Love, Suffering and Meaning of Life 

I've read Victor Frankl's book on Man's Search for Meaning before, and I was really touched by it. It's a great book about how he survived the Nazi concentration camps, his experiences around finding meaning in the midst of suffering, and his thinking on logotherapy. It resonates well with me, as I've always struggled with the question of what's our purpose in life, what's the point of living? I still don't know the answer, and perhaps will never know, but he's given me one that I can live with: "Perhaps this search for meaning is in fact the purpose of life."

2. Stop Trying to Be "Good Enough" by "Getting Better"

The second reading really resonated with me and the way I think as well - and it made me feel vindicated. Once, someone told me that I should always be improving and getting better in life, as though that should be my main goal and philosophy in living. However, that ran counter to my belief that we should appreciate and focus on what we have, at how far we've come. In fact, I felt offended - what's wrong with being contented with what we've got?

This reading gave me a good compromise - it's not one or the other. You can be striving towards getting better while being contented with what you have, cultivating gratitude and appreciation for what you have. While I'd weigh the latter part as a lot more important than the former, this fits much better with my idea of success and happiness. After all, it's the journey that matters more than the goal itself.

"The really important kind of freedom involves attention, and awareness, and discipline, and effort, and being able truly to care about other people and to sacrifice for them, over and over, in myriad petty little unsexy ways, every day. That is real freedom."

This, I suggest, is how we ultimately come to be "good enough," even as we're continually striving to improve, and let go of the need to "get better." 

 This is the way I want to live.

Voting for a Difference: Singapore’s GE2020

Oh wow, it's been an exciting few days. I feel like crying happy and proud tears. I haven't felt this way before; now I understand how politics can be such an emotional affair. I just voted as an overseas voter on Thursday for the Singapore General Elections (GE), and it's my second time getting to vote. This time, I paid more attention to the political parties, what they stood for, and started learning a lot more about how the political scene has evolved. It seems to be a lot more active than I remember it 10 years ago. Oh what progress we’ve made!

For those who don't know, Singapore's politics is based on the British parliamentary system, where we vote for members of parliament (MPs) to represent us in parliamentary debates and policy decisions. Depending on how the government draws up electoral divisions, we're either voting for a group representation constituency (GRC) of 3-6 members, or a single member constituency (SMC) of 1 person. My home address is in the west part of Singapore, which is represented by a GRC and is traditionally very supportive of the dominant party, PAP.

Yes, we often get a lot of flak about having a one-party system, and it's even used as case studies in political science classes in the US as an "autocracy that looks like democracy", or "illiberal democracy". Even I've lost hope about having any credible opposition; as the apathetic Singaporean I am, I expected things to remain the same.

Yet, this time Singaporeans voted differently, albeit concentrated in the northeast part of Singapore where the opposition party there is the strongest. Still, across the board, PAP received 61% of Singapore's votes, down from 70% in their last elections. What made it more unexpected, is that usually in a crisis year like this, voters tend to turn towards the PAP government for economic backing and certainty. The fact that voters voted more than before for opposition, really sent a message to the government that we don't want to stand for any more gutter politics and bullying tactics against opposition.

I felt so excited, hopeful and gratified with the GE results this time. It was more than I could have hoped for - we voted in a record 10 opposition seats (remaining 83 seats still went to PAP), which was more than we've had before. For context, we've only had 1 or 2 voted seats for decades, and then 6 seats in the last two elections. This is the first time we voted in opposition parties in two GRCs too!

Another thing to note is that opposition in Singapore has been very fragmented, we had 10 opposition parties running this year, and only 3 of them were well known with strongholds from before. The rest were new or relatively unknown. The 10 seats that were won, all belonged to Worker's Party as they're the strongest and most credible opposition in Singapore. The runner-up, Progress Singapore Party (PSP) is a new party created last year, yet captured the next best votes at 48% to PAP's 51.6%.

It's very heartening to see more credible opposition coming up. To me, this is a signal that opposition is getting stronger, which would encourage smart talented Singaporeans to want to join opposition parties and not just PAP. We need a variety of voices, who can really represent the diversity of opinions that Singaporeans have.

I definitely got emotional and was tearing up a few times as I watched the live election results come out yesterday. This was the first time I was watching the results live, and it was easier for me since it's daytime here (while it was going all night from 10pm till 4am in Singapore!).

I’m so proud of you Singaporeans, for voting differently from before, for really trying to send a message without mindlessly voting for opposition.

Read here for a very well-written summary of what happened and why in Singapore's elections (much better writing than mine): https://www.facebook.com/notes/remy-choo-zheng-xi/ge-2020-what-the-electorate-said/10157717884973737/

Also on a random note, I was reminded of the last time I voted as a first-time voter in Washington DC. I went early before work, and was interviewed by a reporter and made it into two newspaper articles! There's even a photo of me in there (if you know where to look ^^). Check out my 2 seconds of fame here:
https://www.straitstimes.com/world/united-states/ge2015-singaporeans-vote-in-three-us-cities
https://www.straitstimes.com/politics/singaporeans-in-britain-among-first-to-vote

One Week On: It's easier now

I think I'm feeling better now. I've stopped ruminating over memories of Bruiser. I'm back to work and haven't thought about him as much. I also can look at his corner, his things, without feeling guilt or pain or grief. It's a lot faster than I thought it would take.

I'm guessing it's because I'm not as close to Bru but also because I really gave myself the time to grief, before, during and after. I let all my feelings out, and wrote, and cried my heart out. I've been crying for Bru for probably a few weeks now, as I saw him suffering, when he stopped responding to us, stopped enjoying all the happy things he used to enjoy. I cried because I was helpless, I couldn't do anything to help him. I felt so useless. I felt it was so unfair.

In a way, now that he's released from his pain, I have stopped needing to worry about his suffering. I stopped feeling so helpless. And in the last week, I've learned to let go.

I realised that I still feel a jolt of sadness from time to time, when I see other shiba inus on the street or in japanese anime (they often show up in Studio Ghibli movies!). I feel sad when I read what we wrote about Bruiser's suffering, or when other people tell me about walking their dogs, playing with them, essentially triggering my old memories of Bru. I think anything that reminds me of how it was when I spent time with him would make me sad. Or anything that reminds me of the suffering he went through. I would tear up sometimes, but only cried maybe twice this whole week? That's pretty impressive for me (I'm always crying at little things...so it's hard to keep it together).

I don't feel sad looking at other dog owners walking their dogs, instead I feel a lot of compassion and gratitude that these dogs have people who love them. I feel like some sort of a kindred spirit with the owners, now that I understand what it's like to love a dog and want to walk them and bond with them. I just sold 90% of Bruiser's stuff and handed it off today, and it didn't make me feel sad at all. It's easier now to move on, now that I've accepted it.

It's a good thing I have a bad memory - it helps me bounce back faster and stop remembering or ruminating about sad things too much. I get to live true to my name, being joyful and optimistic about things.

Day 2: Why is this so unfair? Why must Bruiser suffer so?

This is so unfair for Bruiser. He was such a good dog. He was just being a dog. He was a dog that's like a cat, the kind of dog that kept to himself and not bother me, not bark or bite or pounce or do anything to scare me, and in that way he endeared himself to me. He would wag his tail at me, curl up next to me, sit near me when I'm on the couch as I read or watch shows or work. He wouldn't insist on a pet or any attention from me, but when I did give him a pet, a scratch on the back, he liked it and would roll over on his back so I could rub his tummy. He loved his tummy rubs.

That's how he showed his love for me. He's the opposite of everything I'd expected of a dog, and he wasn't intrusive. He's special, one of a kind. Before I knew it, in the quiet way unique to Bruiser, he turned my heart. He's the only kind of dog that could have turned my cold, insensitive heart and mind about dogs into the love I feel now. He burrowed his way into my heart, before my mind even realised it, before I let my mind agree to it. I wish I'd not been so stubborn, I should have just loved him whole-heartedly and whole-mindedly. Why bother holding back the love and affection? If only I'd known that time was short...

There were so many things he could have enjoyed more. We could have taken him to see the ocean, mountains, gone hiking with him, taken him on road trips, let him see snow. We could have cooked more for him, given him more treats, more food, let him enjoy his life more. We kept rationing food for his health, I wish I'd given him more food to eat somehow, he loved eating so very much. Even though logically we did the right things and not overfeed him, if I'd known he'd die from cancer, I'd give him more treats. More food. Just let him be happy while he could enjoy it, right?

We could have played with him more with his toys, running around with him. I never really got to see him run, except when he was running from the elevator to the apartment when he recognized the smell of home (and his upcoming mealtime). I wish we could have played with him off leash and let him run free. I wanted to see him run and play more. I wish I could have seen that. I wish I got to see him run happily on the grass in the park, off leash.

My bf told me that he wished he could have taken Bru in earlier, and taught him to socialize with other dogs, so he could play with other dogs at the park. He loved to sniff other dogs, but when they sniffed him he would bark and pounce on them. He wanted to play with them, but just didn't know how to handle other dogs. When my bf used to take him to the park, Bru could only watch other dogs play at the park and couldn't join in. He had to stay on leash too. That was such a sad thing for me to imagine, such a sad image.

I went to the park yesterday just to watch other dogs play - I felt sorry for Bru, and I felt sorry for us losing Bru. It all felt unfair somehow. But watching these dogs also comforted me - to see how other dogs were so happy and chasing after a ball, running after each other. Dogs really live in the moment. That helped me realise that Bru really cared more about being with us than ruminating about playing with other dogs.

Truth be told, he was never truly free. Because he was never socialized, he was like an indoor dog. He was so dependent on us and our love for him, that he lived such a lonely life. We couldn't dedicate all our lives to him the way he did for us. He gave us so much of himself, so much happiness and unconditional love, and in return this was all we could do for him. We took care of him and took him on walks. Heck it's not even me doing it, it's all my bf. I was just helping out whenever it was convenient for me, or when I wanted to help my bf out. It was only recently that I started to feel empathy for Bru, to feel for him, and think what a dog would want and like. I had only started to learn, yet he had to leave so soon. He didn't give me a chance to redeem myself, or to do more for him.

I feel so guilty for not learning this sooner. For not letting myself love him and shower him with affection sooner. For being so hard-headed and hard-hearted about dogs. I never wanted to get closer to him, probably because I knew I'd feel this pain. I knew the harder you love, the harder it would hurt after. I didn't want to get attached to him, yet here I am. Attached all the same. Only Bruiser could have done that to me.

I didn't know, I didn't know all these things about Bru, that he could have had more in his life. His life path was set from his early years, from when my bf took him in. When I first met him 2 years ago, Bru was already in his elderly years, and on his downward trajectory. That's why I didn't get to see him do so many happy playful things. I already did the best I could, even though I didn't know. I thought I'd have another year or two with him. I thought I had more time to love him and feel for him and think for him and do what he wanted.

But alas, that's the fleetingness of life. Don't take things for granted. I'm grateful for all he's already taught me, that I have the capacity to learn empathy for dogs and love them like my own child. That next time round, if I ever had a pet again, I would do so much more for him/her. It's all thanks to Bruiser. I'll do it for Bruiser.

Rest in peace Bru, thank you for being my teacher and companion and friend and child. You meant so much more to me than I could have known. Please rest well, sleep well, and don't suffer anymore. I hope you've gone to a place without pain, nausea, vomit or regurgitation. No more tumor in your throat and hacking and coughing, no more difficulty breathing. No more neurological issues from the tumor spreading to your brain. You can be healthy and safe and well. You can eat everything you want, and do everything we couldn't do for you. Please, from the deepest depths of my heart, I need to know, that you're doing well now.

I know at least you're not suffering anymore. I can only know that. As reality kicks in, I don't think that you're still living somewhere else. I don't believe in heaven or an afterlife.

I'm so cruel to myself, even in this moment, I can't make myself believe it. So I guess I have to let you go. We've released you from your pain, now we have to figure out how to release us from our pain.

P.S. Not a day goes by without me thinking of you and missing you. You will always be in my heart, and never forgotten.

The finality of death

My mind keeps going back to the moment he died. I think it’s something to do with the shock of it, the finality of death. There’s no second chances, no turning back. The moment you see life leave a living, breathing dog and he’s become a thing. I’ve never seen anything like that, and it’s terrifying. Watching your beloved dog turn into a thing - that’s bound to leave an indelible scar.

Maybe that’s why my brain keeps ruminating over it, thinking about it.

1 day on: Reminisces amidst waves of sorrow

As you probably noticed, I've been posting a lot more on my blog these days, and that's because I feel the incessant urge to write down all my thoughts and emotions and feelings, or I feel like I'll burst into pieces. I feel broken, like there's a Bruiser-shaped hole in my heart. Writing is the only way I can slowly cover it up as best as I can, while the wound heals slowly, leaving behind a scar. Writing is the only way I can cope with my grief, so I think I'm going to keep writing.

I think writing everyday would be good for me. I've been writing more than what you've seen so far, as I really needed to do it, but I don't publish all of them. Sometimes they're just random ruminations and stream of consciousness thoughts. Sometimes they're angry rants at the unfairness of it all, or at how lonely it all feels. They don't always make sense, but I'm hoping that by writing, this will help me make sense of my sorrow. Apologies in advance if it means you'll be reading about sad things for the foreseeable future...

I don't always feel like talking about it, especially since I don't want to make others feel bad about my sadness. So if we're on a video call or phone call, or just messaging each other, please don't expect me to want to talk about Bruiser or what happened. If you want to know how I'm doing, you can subscribe to my blog and read my writings. I think it's the best way I can communicate to you without being overwhelmed with emotions and grief, without reliving the pain constantly and making all of us feel bad.

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Waking up this morning, it all came back to me again. At first, I was still in the vague throes of my last dream, somewhere between consciousness and subconsciousness. The dream had something to do with tracking down savings, talking to people, writing down numbers; it felt like something safe, like work. Then it all hit me again like a tsunami wave, the memories and the terrifying realization that our beloved dog is gone. That we have to live on without him. The final memories and last images I had of him came flooding back. The happy moments. The sad moments.

I couldn't stop ruminating over this memory of Bruiser and my bf walking towards me yesterday morning. I was still working in the morning, but had an hour break in between my meetings. I tried to meditate, but I couldn't stop thinking about Bru. My bf had taken him out for a walk, for his final morning walk. I thought, I had to see Bru walk for the last time. I had avoided it the previous times by convincing myself Bru was too sick to walk properly, I was busy, he didn't need to see me cry as I walk with him. But this time I felt like I'd regret it if I didn't go, so I ran. I looked up where my bf's location was on my phone, praying (and yes for an agnostic person I am turning to a lot of faith-like rituals), praying that my bf's iPhone location sharing would work and I could get to them in time.

I started running to the location indicated on my phone and there they were, far off in the distance. The technology gods have answered me, and yes the iPhone location tracking worked perfectly without a hitch. I was running towards Bru and my bf, palpable relief flowing through me, mixed with fear and anxiety and nervousness and sadness. Bru was front-facing me, walking towards me with his cute front feet pitter-pattering. I haven't seen him walk to me like that before, since I'm usually next to him, or watching him from above. Our apartment is too small for him to be walking towards us from a distance.

This memory of Bruiser is seared into my brain. It's embedded, embossed with a wax seal in my brain, in a way no other memory has. He was so cute, even as he was sick and suffering and sad -- he was so, unbelievably cute. I saw him the way other passers-by would see him, almost like I'm seeing him for the first time. This was why people would point him out to their friends, take pictures of Bru, stop and remark how cute he was, and would want to pet him. I saw him that way too, and in that moment, I wished I had taken a video of it. I wanted to keep that memory of him that way forever, but I couldn't bring myself to take out my phone in that moment. I was too overwhelmed by the moment and felt like it would be spoiling it all if I whipped out my phone and took a video of Bru.

But now I regret it. I have nothing left of that precious, powerful moment, except of the memory echoing hollowly, in the recesses of my brain. It's such a weak version of how it was, how it felt. I know I have a bad memory, and I'm scared I'm going to lose this memory. I feel like I'm already losing it, I'm grasping at it even as I try to remember it. So write it down I must. I can't let this memory of Bru fade away into nothingness.

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I was hoping for sleep as a way to escape, to stop ruminating about it. I couldn't fall asleep last night, even as I was hoping to sleep, needing it even. I ended up taking melatonin to knock me out. I had a restless sleep full of dreams, and kept tossing and turning, kept drifting in and out of sleep. I was hoping my brain could do its magic and reconfigure itself while I'm asleep and lessen the pain. Help soften the edges of our sorrow. Isn't that what sleep is supposed to do? How long would it take before I could think about Bru with fondness, and not sadness? They say you don't ever move on from grief, you can only move through grief, as you try to carry on while keeping your loved one in your heart. How would that feel like?

Every few minutes or so, a fresh wave of grief pours over me. I feel overwhelmed by it, my chest tightens, and it gets difficult to breathe. My nose starts reddening and stuffing up, my eyes well up with unwanted tears, and it hurts everywhere. I can't breathe, that's how it feels like. It's probably both psychological and physical given my nose closes up with all the mucus, but I start to gasp. I start to breathe through my mouth, and my meditation training kicks in. I keep reminding myself to take long, deep breaths. Count in -- 1, 2, 3, 4 -- out -- 1, 2, 3, 4, over and over again, until the wave subsides and I can breathe normally again.

We had just watched an episode on Netflix about Coronavirus explained, and the latest episode was all about how to deal with the difficult feelings and stress during the pandemic. They explained that when you're in anxiety mode, aka "fight or flight" mode, you're pumped full of adrenaline and cortisol and stress. But by taking longer, deeper and controlled breaths, it forces your brain into calm mode. It's a way to trick yourself into being calmer. Now that's the mantra I live by. I am still meditating everyday, and it's been getting harder because of the sadness. I am going to try out their grief meditation, hopefully it might help me.

In the meantime, I have to keep remembering to breathe. I'm so tired of these tears, but they keep coming. My eyes are all rubbed raw and red, and it's funny because when I look at myself in the mirror, it looks like I've got pinkish-red eyeshadow on, when it's really just my eyes all red and puffy from crying, and rubbing and dabbing with half a box of tissues gone now. My nose hurts because I keep blowing it, and rubbing it. I wish there's some way to soothe my pain, my anger, my face, my emotions and physical being. I wish there's some way to hasten the grief process. But no, I have to let it play it out, trying to forget it too quickly will only backfire and make things worse.

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These days, I keep returning to this memory of my cousin and his wife. This was back in Singapore, when I was visiting them for CNY. They had just lost their dad (my uncle who passed away unexpectedly last year, if you recall one of my previous posts), but I learned that they had also just lost their dog, days after my uncle died. They told me how it went, how the dog stopped eating and they took her to the vet. They then went to my uncle's funeral, and when they returned home the dog was already dead. Her kidneys were failing and she had died of old age. I knew the dog meant a lot to my cousin's wife, she was her dog and I saw that as we talked about it, her eyes were reddening. It had been two months since the dog's passing, but clearly she's still grieving for her dog. I keep thinking about how it's like for them now, I want to talk to them in hopes that they've found solace somehow. I want to find solace in their stories and sharing about their beloved dog.

I don't know if I should talk to my parents about this yet. I don't think they would understand. They don't like dogs, and think they're a nuisance. I'm scared they would dismiss my feelings and say they're glad the dog's gone. I know they probably won't say it, but they would be thinking it. I'd hate for them to think about Bruiser like that, that's why I haven't told them. I don't want to tarnish his memory through their words, but I think I should tell them. It's something that's impacting me way too much to hide from them.

---------------

Another thing I want to mention. Through these difficult times, I'm so touched and comforted by the kindness and thoughts of others. Thank you for dropping by my place to give us these lovely red flowers, with your beautifully hand-made pottery. It made me feel much better to know that you were thinking of us in our darkest moments, and wanted to comfort us in your way. They were very beautiful, and I look upon them every once in a while to distract myself from painful thoughts. To think of the beautiful things in life to cherish.

Last night, we also received a surprise delivery. We were eating a very sombre dinner, having put Bruiser down and grieved and cried over him for hours. I was ignoring calls from this unknown number, but picked up in the end as they kept calling. As it turned out, someone had delivered flowers to me. I was pleasantly surprised and when I went down to pick it up, I realised that my coworkers had sent it. I had only told two people (my team) what was happening, and I taken the afternoon off and missed my office happy hour yesterday. They told the rest of my office what happened, and they decided to send us this beautiful bouquet of flowers. I really like the colors, they're so vibrant and pretty. So full of life.

Along with the flowers, my coworkers also sent this wonderfully written note. The moment I read it, I couldn't help sobbing. They rang so true to me, and it sincerely touched my heart. I held onto those words like a lifeline (I know, so many things are a lifeline to me now). Whenever I feel overwhelmed now, I just say these words to myself over and over again, until I have them committed to memory.

"Dogs do not die; it's an illusion. Bruiser has really just fallen asleep and now lives in your heart. And when you remember him, he wags his tail with excitement anticipating a walk and your attention."

We created a little memorial in the corner where Bru used to sleep, eat, drink his water. I've placed the flowers there, and the cutest picture of Bru from when he was younger. As we clear out his things and figure out what to do with the rest of our lives, I'll keep these words close to my heart. I dream of Bruiser running free in the green grass, healthy and playful, having fun with his doggy friends. Sleep well, my dear friend. I'll see you in my dreams.



P.S., I think I might try out some of the pet loss grief chats, where we can chat with other pet owners who are going through the same loss. I'm hoping that by talking about it, and hearing about it from others, it will make me feel less alone in all this.

He’s gone now.

He’s gone now. I don’t think I’ve ever felt this sad in my life. When the vet injected a sedative, Bruiser started getting drowsy and laid his head down. His eyes were still half open, and I could tell he’s already sedated. We would wait another 5-15min before injecting the euthanasia shot.

That’s when it hit me, that he’s never going to wake up again. The moment he laid his head down on his left paw, it looked unnatural to me as he didn’t sleep like that usually. That’s when I realised we’re really losing him, that we’ll never have him back again. I was already crying on and off at this point, and I really started to lose it. I felt so scared, with a knot in my stomach that I’m losing him, and I reverted back to an anxious child.

Feelings of anxiety and fear and helplessness overwhelmed me as the child in me got scared, and didn’t want to let him go. The adult in me calmed me down and knew there was more to come. We carried him to his bed as it’s likely there would be bodily fluids released when he died. I carried his head and it’s oh so light. I didn’t know what to do except to hold on to the vet’s words for dear life. He was a really good vet, he knew exactly the right things to say and how to say it, and it was my lifeline. Listening to his instructions was the one thing that kept me together.

Then after the vet went away, he came back to check on Bruiser and confirmed he’s fully sedated. He then gave us some time before returning for the final shot. When it happened, I could see Bruiser’s abdomen stop moving, and he’d stopped breathing. We were looking at Bruiser’s body from his back, so I couldn’t see his face as he expired. The vet gave us a moment and I moved to look at his face. He’s gone for sure, I could tell from the moment he was sedated. The Bruiser we’d loved so dearly was no longer there, and no amount of crying could bring him back.

In fact, Bruiser hadn’t been himself for months now, he’d been in pain and wasn’t responding the way he normally would. We had already lost him to cancer weeks before his body expired. I couldn’t hold back the torrent of tears and just lost it. I couldn’t smell Bruiser’s fur anymore because my nose was blocked and stuffed from all the crying. I tried to stop and blow my nose but it didn’t work, I couldn’t smell him anymore. I used to hate his smell, but I’m grasping at it now that he’s dead.

I could feel his body lose warmth as I kept stroking his body, petting his head, touching his face. I was touching his paw as I remembered how he used to raise it to shake my hand whenever I said shake! I couldn’t let go of his paw, I was just fixated on it.

His eyes were still half open so I tried to close them, but they resisted closing. I didn’t know what to do except to keep stroking him, and not let go. Because I knew the moment I let go was when it really was set in stone, that it became real, and I wasn’t ready for it. Now I understood why people kept holding on to a lifeless body even though he/she’s already dead. It’s not rational, it’s an emotionally driven fear that we don’t want to face. The vet came back and brought Bru’s body away. He treated Bru with such tenderness and care, I really appreciated it. He even said we took good care of him, because Bru looked so good and not like he was suffering.

The vet told us a story before he left - he said it was funny because he and his brother used to have a dog called “Joy” growing up. The dog was what made him and his brother decide to become vets. He said it wasn’t a very common name, and thought he’d share it with me since I’m also called Joy. I was very comforted by the story, because I knew I wasn’t alone in my grief, that others also lost their beloved dogs, and it had made such a big difference to their lives. It also made me glad that a dog called Joy once brought joy to others the way Bru did for us. He made us happy, as much as I hope we made him happy.

I’ve never seen a loved one pass away like this, and it was unbearably painful. I don’t wish that upon anyone, ever. I only hope that Bruiser is in a better place now, where he can eat as much as he wants and run around barking and playing with other dogs. Where he’s no longer in pain. While I don’t believe in heaven, this is the one time where I wish I’m wrong and it does exist, at least for such good dogs like Bruiser.

He was such a good dog. So kind, sweet and loving. Even in his dying moments, he was on his best behavior. I saw him wag his tail for the last time as the vet came in - I haven’t seen him do that in months. He then ate the doggy treat and lay down on the carpet as the sedation kicked in. He was so good and brave in his last moments. I will never meet such a good dog again in my life, and I sincerely wish I’ll get to meet him again in my afterlife.

For now, I hope we can live stronger, better lives for Bruiser.

 

P.S. Now it hurts to walk by any place where I have memories with Bruiser. I can’t stop playing back all these images of him. When he was alive, I didn’t think about him that much, but now I can’t stop. Why?

It’s happening tomorrow

Tomorrow we’re putting our dog down. Putting him to sleep, euthanasia, mercy killing. However people call it, it really means we’re ending his life. Ending our time together. Bruiser’s not happy anymore, he’s been suffering and in pain, so this is the kindest thing for us to do. To let him go and free him of the pain.

I don’t know how I’ll act or feel or react tomorrow - a part of me thinks I’ll be dry-eyed and calm - holding my emotions in without realizing it - I’m chilled by the thought. Another part of me thinks I’ll be crying hysterically and grieving from beginning to end - I also hate that thought. I don’t know which end of the spectrum I’ll be at, or somewhere in between, maybe holding in my tears until I can grieve in my own private way.

I already know I’m sad, because I’ve been crying so much and feeling worried, stressed, anxious, upset, and desperate about it all. I feel like I’ve gone through all 5 stages of grief, and have nothing left in me anymore. I’ve accepted it, yet I still feel hopeless and helplessly miserable, and can only hope this mental state is temporary.

I just need to remind myself that Bruiser has had a good life, and even though we’d no longer be together, he lives on in our hearts and memories. In our short time together, I’m glad I’ve captured memories in the form of pictures and videos of him. I will continue to reminisce over his many pictures for as long as I can.

I’ll forever be grateful to Bruiser, for he taught me how to love unconditionally, showing me that I could change my mind and feelings about a pet, if only it’s the right one. He taught me to be present and that my various mundane worries and stresses of the day can melt away if I just learn to enjoy the moment. He taught me how to play and cherish the little things in life, to treasure every morsel of food, to stop and sniff the roses grass every once in a while.

Most importantly, Bruiser taught me that caring for a dog could mean so much, that it could feel this strong, this special, and really change me as a person. It feels like how I’d imagine it would feel to become a parent and care for a child - that’s how life changing it felt to have Bruiser in my life. He’s more than a pet or a companion. He’s our special baby, and we’ll grieve his loss just like losing a part of the family.

What this dog means to me

I didn't realise how much our dog means to me until today.

I've never been a dog lover. In fact, I didn't like dogs, or any pets in general because of my parents - they didn't like dogs or pets because of the mess they'd make, with their smell and their fur going everywhere. That made me believe the same, thinking they make a mess, and I was afraid that dogs would bite me too. Prior to this dog, other dogs have only pounced on me and ripped off my shirt button (I was so scared), or jumped at me. They've never been calm and quiet the way our dog is.

I grew to love our dog Bruiser, this particular dog out of all the dogs in the world. He's special. He's like a cat, content to sit by your side and never asking for attention. He keeps to himself, grooms himself excessively and is such a quiet dog - until recently, he's never been prone to barking. His fur is so soft and furry and nice to touch and pet and cuddle. He's a Shiba Inu mix, we think the other half is a Pomeranian but we're not sure. He's like a real-life doge!

I didn't think I'd be so affected, I probably tried not to be so affected. He wasn't my dog to begin with - he's my bf's dog, so I didn't have to interact with him or take care of him. I was thinking logically, that all living things would pass, especially pets. I knew Bruiser was old, that he's turning 15 this year and dogs his size usually don't live past 16. He already had cancer last year with a prognosis of 6 months and survived it. I wasn't grieving last year even though he could have died then. It was because I was traveling for work and was often away from him; even in the short time I was home I didn't see him suffering or in pain. I didn't pay much attention to him or do anything for him, except the occasional walk or feeding him treats, or petting him. I didn't play with him much, and now I'm regretting it. I didn't do all that back then because I didn't care for the dog as much as I do now.

Because of COVID-19, I worked from home and started walking him more this year, feeding him, and playing with him a little. I started to love him more and more, and stopped caring as much about his dog smell or dirty paws or his constant shedding of fur, or even his pee and poop. I even enjoyed brushing him with my fingers and catching his fur, when before I didn't like touching him at all. This is what it feels like to love.

The me now wished I had played more with him, spent more time with him, and really did more for him when I could, but it's too late. He'll never go back to the way he was before, and I'll never go back to the way I was before (i.e. not caring), and all that's left is hurt, grief and pain. Why must love hurt so much?

Love means knowing when to let go. I don't know if I know when to let go or how to let go. I've been compartmentalizing regarding the dog and my feelings about him, but today I cried in front of my coworkers as I talked about my dog and how he's dying. I didn't expect to cry, and didn't expect how much it would hurt until I started all out bawling on the video call. Thank goodness it's a happy hour on Friday, and not a work work call!

I've never seen anyone, anything dying before my eyes like this. The worst thing was watching the dog deteriorate, become weaker and stop responding. He started refusing food, refusing to move. Watching the light drain out of his eyes, knowing he's in pain and suffering, while I'm helpless to do anything - that was the most painful thing to experience. That's the part I can't handle, because I don't know how to handle it. I don't know how to deal with all this grief and helplessness and emotions that I almost wished I didn't have, so I don't have to be so lost in the quagmire of tears and embarrassment and heartache and avoidance.

I know this isn't the end yet, it's only the beginning. We found out that Bruiser has cancer again and this time it's worse, he might have only weeks left (or less). I don't know what to do, and this is probably how it feels like to truly care, to grieve, to love.

This isn't the last time I'll feel this way, it's probably going to be much worse next time I lose someone, because then it'll be my family, my loved ones. If any of you have gone through a loss of a loved one or a pet, I'd appreciate some thoughts or suggestions on how to deal with the grief.

P.S. What irony - I just read Option B two weeks ago, which was all about dealing with grief after losing someone, and I didn't feel it. I thought it was useful but not relevant for me...I wonder if it can help me now?

My First Pandemic / Recession as an Adult

Disclaimer: This is a long post ahead. I've had so many thoughts and reflections over the past 2 months on COVID-19, so I finally put "pen to paper" here. Thank you for reading on, and please reach out to me with your thoughts, suggestions, or anything really!
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As all of you well know, we are in the middle of a global pandemic right now, also known as COVID-19. When I was in Singapore for CNY earlier in Jan, COVID-19 was just starting to be a concern there and in Asia, but not so much in the US. When I flew to SF in early Feb, cases started to rise a lot more in Singapore (meaning cluster of 10+ cases a day) and I saw how Singapore mobilized and prepared its citizens for it, but somehow there wasn't as much fear or concern paid to it when I got back to SF. Interesting.

In the past 2 months, I got to see how my home country Singapore reacted to COVID-19, compared to my resident country the US, and what a stark contrast it was. I know it's a lot to do with politics, distributed government structure (federal vs state), the economy, individualistic culture, among other things. But in a global pandemic situation, everyone needs to play their part for each other, not just by state or by country, but working together as a whole world. It pains me to see so many people suffering and dying unnecessary deaths, when they wouldn't have died if the US had done things differently, earlier.

Still, I am grateful for everything I have - a loving bf, a home, a dog to play with, work that hasn't quite been affected just yet so I can work from home well, plus the freedom to still take walks outside and go grocery shopping. In the past 2 months, I've started focusing on setting up routines, picking up meditation again, cooking more, and re-connecting with friends and family through video chat.

Last week, however, things started changing for me. After talking with my friends, family, and a month of "shelter in place", I did a lot more introspection and self-reflection and came up with 4 realizations:

1. People's suffering has become personal
   
   In the past 2 months, logically I knew that the economy would be hard hit. All the workers in the restaurant, airline, travel industries -- essentially any service-oriented hospitality businesses -- would be laid off first. Gig economy workers who don't have benefits would also be hard hit. We saw the numbers come in -- 3.3 million people in the US applied for unemployment benefits in the first week alone, which was our highest ever record. They're expecting 40-50 million Americans to lose their jobs by the end of this. I feel bad for them. Still, it was a statistic to me - I stopped brooding on it and thought about gratitude and appreciation for what I have.
   
   Quickly, I started wondering about my own job -- I know my project is doing fine and would go on till July this year, but after that we might not have much client work. Some of our new projects are being put on hold and clients are likely to not start any new work with us, so I can see that my company would be hard hit in Q3 or Q4. Would we have layoffs this year? Would I be ok? In fact, raises and bonuses are coming next month, we are all thinking it would be affected because of what's ahead of us.
   
   Then I spoke with my friends around the world, and they have been anxious and worried about their jobs. Everyone is concerned about job insecurity, and those who own HDBs back home have been seeing their tenants ask for lower rent. The downstream impacts of this pandemic to the economy, to all of us, are happening sooner than I thought. Because they're my friends, their suffering has become personal to me, and it's no longer a statistic.
   
   It's been hard for me because I don't know how to help my friends or what to say to comfort them. I feel helpless, helpless, and that been the toughest part for me. Some of my coworkers have been telling me it's a matter of perspective -- we are much better off than other countries who don't even have running water and soap to wash their hands. We are still so young, it's going to be ok, we will find other jobs and we will get through this fine.
   
   I agree logically, but it's minimizing everyone's anxiety and feelings. My biggest realization was that this is our first recession as adults, so now we have financial obligations and responsibilities to worry about, like job security, rent, mortgages, etc. There has always been recessions, and there will be more recessions in the future, so taking this perspective does help somewhat. Still, it doesn't mean it gets easier every time we get hit with a recession, but it means we have to be resilient and prepared and most importantly -- realise it's not the end of the world. We're all in this together, and we shall weather through it together.
   
   I've decided that all I can do to help my friends is just listen and support them, and be there for each other.


2. Gratitude towards my parents, who sheltered me from financial worries and troubles
   
   With the thought that this is my first recession as an adult, I had another realization that I've been so sheltered and protected from these financial concerns since I was a kid. I never had to worry about the recessions in 1998 (HK financial crisis), 2000 (Dot com bubble), 2001 (9/11), 2003 (SARS) or 2008 financial crisis...the list goes on. So I felt super grateful and appreciative of my parents, because I knew they tried their best to protect me from these worries. They didn't want me to worry about money or their jobs or anything about the house.
   
   I know this isn't necessarily the right thing for parents to do, because they should prepare their kids to be financially independent and aware of recessions, so they know to invest and save and prepare ahead of time. Maybe if they had taught me about recessions and how they handled them, it would prepare me mentally and emotionally now, so I wouldn't feel as anxious. Or maybe it wouldn't have made any difference xD.
   
   Still, I know this is the Asian way of showing love. To me, it showed the true extent of my parents' love, so I'm really thankful and grateful to them for caring for me in this way. I reached out to them and checked in with them emotionally, which was really difficult for me because we never talk about feelings or emotions. I think my parents appreciated it, and I hope to continue to keep it up and provide them emotional support in the coming months as Singapore goes into shelter in place mode too.


3. Worried about inequity in relationships
   
   My 3rd realization was around my mindset towards "equal" responsibility distribution in relationships. My bf and I have been working from home and staying home 24/7 for the past month. While we have lived together for 1.5 years now, I'm usually traveling or in the office, or if I'm working from home my bf's usually in the office. We haven't really had to work from home together in the small 1 bedroom apartment we've got.
   
   Now, the working arrangement is that I'm using the one desk we have in the apartment (it's his), including his monitor and chair. He's been working on an uncomfortable chair at our dining table. Because I'm on calls and video calls so often, it's been hard for me to figure out a good way to present screens and talk at the same time, so we ended up agreeing that I should take the working desk. When we both have meetings, my bf is the one who moves to the bedroom to take calls. Again, it's because I have a lot more meetings all day, so he's willing to be the nomad in the house to find the quiet corner of the apartment. I felt bad for taking over his desk, chair, monitor, and everything, plus making him move for my meetings. Ugh.
   
   Let's compound that guilt with yet another one - cooking. He prefers that we cook, because it's healthier, tastier, and saves way more money. I agree, except it takes up a lot more time, and I don't have too much time/leeway/flexibility to be cooking during the work day. Very quickly, I realised that I have much longer working hours than my bf. I'm waking up earlier than him (7+ or 8 while he wakes at 9+). I was working till 7 while he was done earlier (or rather can take a break from work earlier). He has time to make breakfast in the morning, walk the dog, then make lunch or dinner, or heating up leftovers for me while I'm busy with work.
   
   I was ok with him doing that once or twice, as long as I could help out with cooking or making dinner the other times so it feels more equal. However, all last week I was super busy and he ended up being the one taking care of all the meals the whole week. I felt bad, guilty, and frustrated. If we were ordering in, I could order the food and take care of meals that way, but if it's cooking, I don't have the time to do that. It ends up being inequitable, where I'm not contributing to cooking or household chores, while he is doing everything. What's more, we're now using the dishwasher so I don't even need to wash the dishes. He's the one loading the dishes (because he cooked) and starting it up!
   
   I spoke to a few people about it, and they said there's no such thing as inequitable in a relationship. It's a partnership -- whoever is working less should help take care of the other person and vice versa. That's what a relationship means. I realised that my mindset has been influenced by my family's traditional values, where women took care of the household chores and cooking, whether they worked or not. I wanted to contribute equally but couldn't, and I felt bad for letting him take care of me all the time. I wouldn't have liked it if it was the reverse situation, where I had to do all the chores and he was busy working. Maybe that's why I felt so uncomfortable and frustrated. There's no good way around it, I'm doing to him what I wouldn't have wanted him to do to me -- and what men worldwide are doing to women - expecting them to work and take care of the house at the same time!
   
   This week I'm going to try to work less to help him out, or at least cook some on the weekends so I don't feel so bad. In the case where this situation persists, should I just let him cook and do everything? I don't think my bf minds as much that he's cooking, but I don't know how I should feel about this. Maybe I just need to change my mindset. Any suggestions?


4. Who do I choose to be during COVID-19?
   
   Some of you would have seen me post this on my FB, and I shared it with my coworkers, friends and family as well. While we feel helpless, like we have no choice in the pandemic and economic downturn, we do have a choice in our mindset and how we respond.
   
   
   
   
   I am in the learning zone, and have been touching the growth zone in parts. I know I have a long way to go, and a lot more to do to get to being fully present, fully appreciating what I have and who I have around me. It's interesting that I skipped the fear zone for the most part, because of my trusting and optimistic nature. I believe that the government would take care of us, and that we as a community can figure things out as we go. I am in a position of privilege, where I knew in the worst case, I can go back to Singapore and I know I'll be taken care of.
   
   I did read up about COVID-19, but not too much because I kindof knew how it was going to be like (from being in Singapore and knowing what SARS was like). I am also generally apathetic to politics and affairs of this sort xD, so I focused more on what we can do and learn in this time. My boss gave us homework to think about what are some goals we want to work on during this time, so that years from now we can look back and say - hey we did something meaningful during COVID-19!
   
   There are my personal goals for the coming months -- not sure how successful I'll be, but let's try! The best learning occurs in the process of striving...

• Keep up my reading goals (30/year)

• Meditate everyday

• Walk for 30min everyday (ideally outside, until we're not allowed to anymore)

• Cook more and eat healthier with more veggies (= spend less money)

• Track my spending, set budgets, and yes spend less money

• Continue volunteering as a mentor and being an emotional support for my mentee - maybe find more opportunities to volunteer elsewhere and help with COVID-19

• Support friends as all of us go through stages of anxiety and worry

• Check in on family everyday

• Spend more quality time with my bf and dog 

• Maybe find something I want to learn - and go learn it!

My first red packet of the year!

Wow I just received my first red packet of the year - it made me so so happy! I volunteer with this non-profit organization called Minds Matter as a mentor to low income high school students, and help them get into good colleges. My mentee graduated high school last year and started her first year at college, and today me and my co-mentor met up with her to catch up and chat about how she’s doing.

We’ve still been in touch over text and email and have been helping her with her college homework and other things. I could tell that she’s matured in the past year and learned to be more independent, learned how to figure things out on her own and had gained a lot more confidence. She’s becoming grown up, which was really amazing to see. I’m super happy for her, and felt like I’ve indeed made a positive impact on someone’s life.

Her mum came to pick her up after our lunch, and she was super thankful and grateful to us. We chatted and she told us how happy she was at her daughter’s growth, and that it couldn’t have been possible without us. As a first generation immigrant, she had no idea how to navigate the ins and outs of education here, and how to help her daughter with getting into a good college. I didn’t know she was so thankful for our help, so hearing this directly from her felt even more powerful. I was touched.

As we left, she gave us both red packets, as she’s Chinese and also celebrates Chinese New Year (or Lunar New Year as they call it here). I was really surprised, but also appreciated the gesture. It made me glad to have our efforts validated, and now I’ve got my first red packet of the year!

For actual Chinese New Year this year, I’ll be celebrating back home in Singapore. Yes I’m going home in a few weeks, and can’t wait to celebrate CNY with my extended family and relatives, for the first time in 4 years! Also, I’ll be bring my bf to CNY for the first time, so that will be exciting. Can’t wait to catch up with all my friends, and I’m really looking forward to it this year!