Project Complete! I'm finally satisfied...

Finally, I have completed the most ambitious and challenging song I’ve ever attempted. I almost wanted to give up so many times, chiding myself for being so foolish for attempting such a difficult song, but I persisted. I'm glad I'd believed in myself, in the power of brute force practicing, and that lack of rapping skills aside, I would blunder my way through it anyhow. Any guesses on what the song is?
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 -drumroll-
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Yes, I’ve recorded “Satisfied” by Angelica Schuyler from the musical Hamilton!

**Spoiler disclaimer: If you haven’t seen Hamilton yet and you don’t want to be spoiled, don’t listen to this.

That said, why haven’t you seen Hamilton yet?? I highly encourage everyone to listen to the songs and watch Hamilton - in fact I enjoyed watching Hamilton far more after listening to all the songs (on repeat). It can be hard to understand if you’re not used to rapping and the accents and America’s history, so I recommend everyone to listen ahead of time to truly enjoy and appreciate Hamilton. 

It’s not much of a spoiler anyway since it’s a biographical / historical musical (in rap), though I’ve looked up Hamilton’s fact vs fiction, and the story in “Satisfied” seems to be fictional and imagined based on writer's creative license. Not sure if that matters to anyone, so if you don’t mind being spoiled, please go ahead and press play!**

It’s the most challenging but also the most fun song I’ve ever made. It’s my favorite song in Hamilton and one of my favorite musical songs ever, and I’ve been thinking about recording this song for a while. I started on it back in August and September, and gave up so many times...until these few weeks I decided to really push through and finish it. I’m so proud of the end product in the end, though everytime I listen to it I wince inwardly at all the mistakes I made or parts where I didn’t quite sing on pitch or catch the beat right. Still, I know it will always have a special place in my heart.

To make this song work, I had to stitch together multiple tracks - it ended up being 5 different tracks! Each track took so much time to edit and move around and refine just so they would all work together...I had one for the instrumental music, one for the chorus, one for Angelica’s part, one for Eliza’s part and one for Hamilton’s! And if you didn't realise, I sang all the parts by Angelica, Eliza AND Hamilton xD.

Recording this was my most time consuming project yet...and my oh my, it was a lot of fun pretending to be Hamilton, Eliza and Angelica. I guess the actress in me really enjoyed it (haha I was in drama club in elementary school, definitely loved acting as a kid! I probably still do...)

Anyhow, keep listening on to the second half of the song if you want to hear how I sound like pretending to be a guy xD. It was such a challenge to act with your voice while singing and rapping, then lowering it so it’s like Hamilton’s, then singing higher so it’s like Eliza’s, then wittier to sound like Angelica’s. Haha I tried my best, please excuse how funny it ended up being 😂

It’s also one of the most difficult songs to sing because of how high it got, how much power you needed to sing while being out of breath, and at the same time figuring out when you actually should catch a breath so you don’t die with the next 8 counts of rap or singing! The rapping was so fast at times, I could barely catch the right beat, and oftentimes Angelica sings a little off-beat too, leading faster or going slower at different parts. When I finally caught the beat, I then lost the melody; when I caught the melody I then lost the rhythm; I also kept stumbling over the words or going too fast or too slow or mispronouncing them. My mouth and tongue were definitely tired out from saying so many words so quickly!

I also couldn’t switch between singing and rapping so seamlessly, I was just not used to it. It was a whole new skill set I had to figure out...haha I felt like I had to level up, it was crazy hard! You know what it’s like, trying out tongue twisters and not quite getting it, and then practicing over and over again until you’re tired out and still not quite getting it right?

Yeah, that’s how it felt the whole time I was practicing and recording the song...and I was never any good at tongue twisters anyway. I also didn’t listen to or attempt to rap growing up, so it’s a whole new level of challenge for me.

I know I sound terrible compared to the original singers, so I am very impressed with how well those Broadway singers sing and rap and act and dance continuously - it’s so impossible to do all of them at the same time perfectly! I can only imagine how much time and effort they’ve put into it, the hours and hours of practicing the songs just to get it to that perfect level of quality.

Frankly, it was intimidating taking on this song, but I find the end result incredibly beautiful. I now appreciate much more how hard this song was, and that the Hamilton tickets were totally worth the price of admission 😂, given so many high level difficulty songs. It’s not just the melody and singing, it was how fast and slowly you have to rap, and memorizing those thousands of words!!

Anyhow, let me know your thoughts on the song, and whether you liked my rapping! I personally think my rapping was terrible but if you liked it, I can do more rapping songs xD I’ll take suggestions!

LIfe is fleeting

Last night, my mum gave me a call out of the blue. I don't usually get calls from her, especially since I've just called her last weekend, but I thought maybe she missed me or there was something she wanted to ask me.

My mum started making small talk for 5 minutes, and asked if I've had dinner, what time it was over here, and whether I was home or not yet, etc. Then she said in a very strange way, in a way that I found odd and funny and somehow it all made me want to laugh, "You are coming home next year for Chinese New Year right, to see relatives and have dinner reunion together...it seems like you'll have one less relative to see." Then she stopped.

And I went, "What?? What happened! Who was it??"

She told me an uncle of mine had died last night, on a vacation trip in Japan. I was in shock and couldn't believe my ears. He was my favorite uncle and he seemed so healthy and happy the last time I saw him. That he died so suddenly was shocking to all of us.

I asked for more details, and it turned out he was in an onsen and the official cause of death was drowning. Given that he's 79, I'm guessing he probably lost consciousness because of the hot water in the onsen, and then drowned without anyone realising.

Did he die alone? Were his friends around? Was he surrounded only by strangers? He probably died naked and alone, which seemed so sad and lonely, yet ironically it is the way all of us came into the world. I remember in elementary school, a friend of mine used to say, "We come into this world crying, while others around us smile. We then leave this world smiling, while others around us cry." In a way, it was a painless way to go, and he was probably in a good mood given it's a vacation and all, but it's so shocking and saddening for us.  I kept ruminating over the situation, the scenario, how it could have happened, how did it happen?

He was supposed to come home today, he was on a group tour so there should have been other people with him. Why didn't anyone notice? I just went to South Korea and did the hot springs/onsen experience as well, and I kept thinking back to how it was like in there. If someone was suffering or drowning, would I have seen it? Could I have missed out on someone dying in there?

And the hard realisation hits - yes I wouldn't have noticed it. There were multiple baths, and everyone kept to themselves and avoided paying attention to each other (since we're all naked). The only way I could have noticed was if they were sharing the same baths with me and were a few feet away.

I feel this ache in my heart, this sad grief, which I couldn't make sense of as I didn't know this uncle that well. I didn't cry or feel grief for my grandmother when she passed, because I didn't know her well. I remember posting about it then, and wondered if I was so cold-blooded I couldn't even cry for my own family.

Then suddenly, somehow, I started to cry, because I remembered how good my uncle was to me. He's the most gentle person I've known, always smiling, always happy and beaming. I've heard he's stubborn and old-fashioned, and was not on good terms with one of his sons, but he's nothing but kind to me everytime I saw him. He used to drive SBS (the public bus) and we knew him fondly as the SBS uncle, and he'd retired a few years ago. I wished he had more years to enjoy retirement life.

The last time I saw him was Chinese New Year 2016. It's been more than 3 years. I haven't seen most of my relatives for that long as well, and I used to see them every few months, some of them every month. Suddenly being isolated from my big family made me feel sad and alone.

I realised I was crying because I felt helpless to help him, to help others like him, to help my family back home. I'm too far away and there's nothing I can do. I'm thinking for my poor aunt, she must have been so terrified and wracked with guilt since she couldn't be with him. I hope she doesn't blame herself, it really isn't her fault. It was an accident that no one could have anticipated.

I started feverishly looking up onsen deaths and the hazards of hot baths, especially for the elderly. I know even for me, I've had harrowing experiences with hot springs. I love sitting in the hot springs, and once a few years ago in Colorado, I lost track of time in there and nearly fainted. I stood up and blood rushed away from my head and I blacked out, I was dizzy and couldn't see, couldn't breathe properly. Heart pumping furiously, I had to lie down outside the baths and just breathe for quite a while before I could see again. I probably sat in the baths for 30+ minutes - and they say you cannot sit in there for more than 20 minutes.

Even at the hot springs in South Korea recently, I felt my heart pumping harder and it was difficult to breathe after a few minutes in the baths, especially since I was going a few minutes at a time in each bath. I think after 15 minutes total across a few baths, I had to get out and rest for a while in a cold shower, it was definitely a little too much to be in there for too long.

It seems like there's a lot of advisory against elderly, people with heart attack risk, high blood pressure, etc. going into the baths. In fact, this article suggests that we shouldn't be in the baths for more than 10 minutes, and definitely not under influence of alcohol.
https://blogs.wsj.com/japanrealtime/2016/01/22/deaths-from-drowning-in-bathtubs-up-70-in-10-years-report/

Friends, be sure to tell your parents and elderly relatives, to stay aware of how you feel in the baths. While it may be relaxing and easy to lose track of time, take care of your health, especially if you have certain health conditions that make you susceptible to fainting in hot baths. I really don't wish this sort of tragedy to happen to anyone.

My uncle's sudden death really hit it home for me, that we never know when we'll last see someone. Life is fleeting - treasure the people you care about.

About family - I want to communicate better

Like most Asian families, my family is conflict avoidant, so we never talk about anything deep or contentious. We are also bad with expressing feelings to each other. While I have some resentment with the way they used to try to control me, I think I’m getting to a point where I can be at peace with it.

They still want to play a role in my life, still be a parent to me, still have some say in decision making, some control. But they also recognize I’m an adult and can make my own choices now, which I really appreciate. I think things are getting better, though we’re still not talking about the things that matter.

I really have to remind myself, next time I feel triggered or controlled or frustrated:

• Breathe and count to 5
• Remember they love you, and this is how they express love
• Remember they need to feel loved and needed, so I should recognize it and tell them that I love them, that they are good parents. Validate them and appreciate them, so then they will listen to why you don’t want to do what they’re saying (e.g, I know you love me, you’re worried about me and care about me, so you want to protect me. However I am an adult and prefer doing it this way, so I hope you’ll respect that. Remember that I love you, and you’re still a good parent in my eyes)
• Set expectations and boundaries for what is ok for them to say or do vs not (e.g, that’s not ok to say, I feel hurt, I know you want me to do this but that’s not ok with me)
• Let them know what a successful parent means - it doesn’t mean they can help or do anything for me, all I want is for them to be there for me and support me through my choices, that’s good enough. I want them to trust me 

Now I need to figure out HOW exactly to say all this in Chinese, while not being triggered lol. And that’s not even the hardest part - it would be getting over my own discomfort and awkwardness of addressing this head on, when all our lives we’ve lived by the philosophy of keeping up harmony by avoiding hard topics.

Friends, if you’ve done this before with your loved ones, definitely let me know! Would love to get some pro tips on difficult conversations with family, plus points if it’s in Chinese 😉

I’ve changed?

I realised I’ve changed over the years, and especially by being with my bf. I didn’t notice it until I hung out with my parents for 2 days in Busan. I used to be super talkative and attention-seeking with them, almost needy of their attention. This was back when I was in primary and secondary school, though bits of it still showed up even up to two or three years ago.

I distinctly remember my dad chiding me multiple times that I should calm down or talk less, there’s no need to get excited about stuff. But this time being with them, I’m happy and excited but a lot more detached, like I no longer need their attention or validation. Whatever they say is up to them and it’s their prerogative, almost nothing to do with me. I just let their comments slide off my back, and I’ve become less talkative. I’m mostly listening to my parents chat and talk to me, and ask me questions.

I’ve become pensive, calm and quiet...just like my bf! I don’t know if it’s to do with being an independent adult and understanding that my parents don’t have to affect my demeanor and identity and thoughts, or if it’s to do with being with a calm person like my bf. It could also be to do with my getting used to working with older, calm adults at work too, and learning to take on some of that. Maybe an element of detachment and knowing it’s only for 2 days makes it easier for me to not revert to my old self too. I have no idea, but either way I very much prefer the way I am now.

It definitely seems like I’ve changed, though my core is still that excitable, talkative self (as my bf and other close friends very well know).

Here's How I Twisted My Ankle, Again

I'm in South Korea for vacation right now - I was in Jeju and was caught in the middle of Typhoon Tapah. That meant there was a lot of heavy rain and strong winds, so we didn't do too much and stayed in the city. For the one day where we had beautiful weather, we went hiking the famous Hallasan in Jeju. We didn't have too much time so we hiked the Yeongsil trail up, which reached halfway up the mountain and not to the summit (which would take twice as long). We then took the Eorimok trail back down for scenic forest views, and took a total of 4+ hours or so with around 2000feet elevation gain.

This was a really beautiful and lovely hike, it's hands down one of my favorite hikes in the world! Even with the fog, it was amazing, and I think the fog made the hike even more mesmerizing and incredible. It made me appreciate the blue, green and greys I saw through the mist so much more, as the fog shifted.

As it turned out, the hiking trail was very rocky on the way down, and I was telling my bf that we should be careful. Most injuries happen on the way down as ppl let their guard down, and also they're more tired. I felt my left ankle almost twist a few times as I was hiking on the rocky parts, so I was being extra careful there, and kept stretching my ankle and foot. I have an old injury on my left ankle, where I've sprained it twice before back during my track and field / cross country running days. I knew it's easy to hurt the weak ankle again...

But alas. it's exactly as I said. I let my guard down, I was tired, I was distracted as I was talking to my bf about a blister that might be forming on his foot, and I was leaning over to look at his foot and then of course, it happened. 

It wasn't at a rocky part. Nope.

It could have happened here:

Or here:

But no, of course it was a completely FLAT boardwalk. How ironic is that?

This was how it looked like. It was on a step down, and I landed on the outside of my foot and my ankle twisted outwards (as my foot turned inwards). Because it was flat, I wasn't paying attention to how I was my foot was landing. I actually heard a pop/crack sound that was really loud, and I'd never heard it before. It was scary, and also very painful. 

I sat on the ground for a while to let the pain subside, before I tested my weight on the foot again. We still had a long way to go down the mountain, another hour and a half's worth, on a sprained ankle. I quickly realised that if the ground was flat, I could walk quite ok by limping and putting more weight on my right foot, and also landing on the right part of my left foot. 

However, most of the hike down was on rocks, which were at all sorts of sharp angles. So I then realised that if I tiptoed on the balls of my left foot, it kept my weight off the ankle and I could move without hurting it. That was the hardest thing to do; I was also going downhill so gravity was doing its work on me. My calves were really tired from hiking down, and my right leg was shaking so badly as I leaned on it. 

It was very tiring, really tough for me to get down the mountain that way. It was also getting dark, we had to keep moving so we wouldn't be stuck in the dark AND in the fog, and we were super hungry too. Being cold, hungry (read: hangry) and hurt definitely wasn't the best combination.

Eventually we made it back down, before sunset. I'm really grateful for my bf being there for me, waiting for me patiently and carrying my stuff. He had offered his arm / shoulder for support, but I didn't really use it as it was treacherous footing on the rocks and only slowed both of us down to try and walk together. It made a difference to know I wasn't alone, that I had someone to lean on in hard times. Because of this situation, I realised that he's exactly the kind of guy I would want to be by my side if I were ever stuck on a mountain or an island without help. It made me appreciate him in a whole other way :)

So let's take stock: it's been 2 days since the ankle twisting, I'm still walking around but with less weight on my left foot. My ankle area is swollen and bruised, but today it seems to be a little better than the day before. In the pictures here, you can kind of see the bruising and how the left ankle is more swollen than the other foot.

So we'll see, I'm hoping for a full recovery in a week or two so I can get back to normal walking, and then dancing again soon! In the meantime, we're in Busan so I'll try to take it easy and not walk too much. >.>

I’ve still got it ^^

It’s been a fun trip in Seoul so far - feeling like a tourist at times, feeling like a local at times. The things that stood out most to me are eating lots of good food, wearing a hanbok and feeling like a celebrity, and oh guess what? I also got hit on by a guy at hongdae, which was super flattering. I was walking out of the train station and was checking on my phone where to go for dinner, all the while listening to a podcast with earphones in - and this guy started walking beside me and talking to me in Korean. I didn’t notice him until a few seconds in, then I was like oh who’s this guy talking to me in Korean? Is he looking to sell something to me?

Then as we continued talking, it dawned on me that he might just be making conversation...to hit on me? Wow was this guy really hitting on me? I wasn’t sure but I was feeling super flattered by it haha. I haven’t been picked up on the streets before in my life, only in clubs/bars, so this was a once in a lifetime experience for me lol. It’s also been a few years since a guy’s asked me out in person (off the dating apps), so I almost forgot how it felt like.

He asked me in Korean what I was doing in hongdae, and I was like shaking my head and asking him if he could speak English. He then said in English ,”A little bit”, and repeated his question in English. He then said his English is like a baby’s. It’s not too bad though, he understood me for the most part. 

I told him I was there for vacation. He then asked me where I’m from (China?), and I said Singapore. He’s like ahh. He then said he’d like to meet good people (meaning me), then asked me if I’d like to get a coffee or drink. I realised at this point that yes he’s absolutely hitting on me and asking me out, so I used the one korean phrase I know - Namja chingu isseo yo! Meaning I have a boyfriend 😬. He then looked disappointed and sheepish at the same time, kind of embarrassed that he’s asked me out. I could tell he was feeling awkward and didn’t know how to back away from this convo, so I was like thank you though, I’m super happy you talked to me, it’s nice to make friends! He then kindof recovered and asked when I’m leaving Seoul, and I was like tmr lol.

Then I asked him - I’m curious, why did you want to talk to me? He said oh it’s because I want to meet good people. I guess that’s his go-to line, or his English was really limited to that...

We made a little bit more conversation after that as I walked to my hotel, and I asked him if he’s a student. He said he used to work as a teacher but is planning to go to graduate school. He doesn’t know what he’s going to study yet though. We used google translate for a bit where he typed in korean at super fast speeds on my phone (omg I can’t type that fast in korean!!). It was impressive seeing how a young local types in Korean on the phone haha.

Anyhow, he looked like he’s younger than me, but was also rather good looking. Maybe I would have taken him up on his offer if I were single haha. We then parted ways and I wished him best of luck.

I guess korean guys are more aggressive in picking up girls than I thought. I’m super happy that this guy picked me out of a crowd of all these beautiful korean girls, who were dressed to the nines with full on makeup and hair done nicely, whereas I was looking so aloof with earphones on and all, and I was not dressed up or wearing makeup at all that day. I was in my most comfy T-shirt and shorts as it was a sauna and massage day, yet ironically that’s the one day I got hit on xD. I felt super amused by this young-looking guy who’s trying to hit on me (technically an older woman, but he probably couldn’t tell by how I looked). It was all around amusing and hilarious, and at the same time flattering.

He’s probably just on the lookout for decent looking girls who were walking alone. Hongdae is also one of the most popular and hip spots for young ppl to hang out at, and hence a great spot for picking up girls. Either way, that made my night, and probably was the most memorable highlight of the trip for me so far xD. Definitely a confidence booster, nice to know I’ve still got it! 😊

Next Up...I'll Fall for You

This is a guitar song cover that I've been wanting to do for years...it was one of the few English songs I've always loved and felt a strong emotional connection with. I didn't even realise it came out in 2008, I thought it was earlier! I can't quite remember how I first heard this song, but probably a friend recommended it, and I ended up falling in love with it.

Something about the way Secondhand Serenade sings with the guitar and piano chords strum my heartstrings as well. Again, I played the acoustic guitar and sang both melody and harmony here. I switched up the title page so there's variety across my videos...I really need some suggestions people!

I’m noticing a pattern in the songs I’m covering - they’re both about falling in love! The next song I’m thinking of (it’s a chinese song) will also have falling and love in it, so stay tuned!

Back from a 2-year Musical Hiatus!

Hello friends! After 2 years of not recording any music or guitar covers, I'm back!

I chose Can't Help Falling in Love by Kina Grannis (originally sung by Elvia Presley) as my return song. I first heard it performed by Kina Grannis in Crazy Rich Asians during the wedding scene, and decided there and then that I've got to learn this song on the guitar. I didn't realise that this was an old song dating back to 1961, but clearly it's such a beautiful and endearing classic that it's being covered again by many folks.

I sang both the main song and harmonization, accompanied by my (not great) playing on the acoustic guitar. My style in playing this song was more free-flowing without keeping to the rhythm/beat, mostly improvising based on how I felt with the music. I'm really excited to be making music covers again, I hope you'll enjoy it as much as I did making it!


The long-awaited return of my guitar covers, are you ready for it?

- Drumroll -

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Here we go!



Also, I'm taking suggestions on what picture / video I should include with my music covers. Should it be something like a cute cat chasing a dog? 😂😂

My supermodel doppelgänger

Over the course of my (relatively short) life, I’ve been thought to look Chinese, Japanese, and more recently, Korean. Rarely does anyone think I look Singaporean (or if they do, they haven’t told me haha).

Earlier this year, a friend saw this magazine cover in NYC and sent me the picture, exclaiming, “This looks just like you!!”

Wow. I guess this is how I’d look like if I were a skinny supermodel with lots of makeup and platinum blonde hair. Wait, is this how I’d look like with blonde hair? Should I do it? 🤔

As it turns out, this model is Korean-American, she’s called Park Soo Joo, and she graduated from UC Berkeley in Architecture!!! Guess we’re all Cal bears 😊

Hm these days ppl seem to think I look like really attractive Korean celebrities. Is that legit, or they’re just exaggerating in their flattery?

On a side note, I’m feeling pretty inspired these days to record song covers again. I know I’ve been on a hiatus of almost 2 years and haven’t been recording, but I’m picking it up again and found 5 songs I want to really do this year! So stay tuned, more to come soon!

What is Modern Art?

A coworker recommended that I check out this coursera course on Modern Art, and it got me so excited! I've been wanting to learn more about what modern art really is, and how to better appreciate it, especially since we've got an SFMOMA membership and I've been going more frequently. It would be nice to understand and interpret the artwork better.

As it turns out, a lot of the information is found on the MoMA website from NYC, and this stood out to me:

Challenging the notion that art must realistically depict the world, some artists experimented with the expressive use of color, non-traditional materials, and new techniques and mediums. Among these new mediums was photography, whose invention in 1839 offered radical possibilities for depicting and interpreting the world. MoMA collects work made after 1880, when the atmosphere was ripe for avant-garde artists to take their work in new, surprising, and modern directions.

This is the essence of modern art. That it doesn't have to follow traditional notions that art must depict the world as is, but instead can be whatever the artist wants to create. Hence, it really lets imagination take flight, and that's why I like modern art better than traditional art in a way. It can express freedom and convey emotions, it can be counterculture and make a statement about society.

I took a look through Van Gogh's The Starry Night reading and interpretation, and I gained such newfound appreciation for it. I've seen the painting before multiple times, both in person and online, but did not understand the inspiration and meaning of the art until now. Now I understand why he painted it with such thick paint and turmoil of brushstrokes. I didn't even notice the steeple and village houses in the middle ground, or the mountains in the distance. I also didn't realise that the tree in the foreground is a cypress tree, which depicts a connection between Earth and Sky (and thus connects the living and the dead; cypress trees also signify death and are commonly found in graveyards).

Van Gogh once wrote, “Why, I ask myself, shouldn’t the shining dots of the sky be as accessible as the black dots on the map of France?

Just as we take a train to get to Tarascon or Rouen, we take death to reach a star. We cannot get to a star while we are alive any more than we can take the train when we are dead. So to me it seems possible that cholera, tuberculosis and cancer are the celestial means of locomotion. Just as steamboats, buses and railways are the terrestrial means.

To die quietly of old age would be to go there on foot.”

That’s so beautiful, right? I’d like to see life and death the way he saw it, expressed through his painting.

It's also interesting that so many famous artists struggle with mental instability. It's almost like the expression of madness makes their art great; or perhaps it's the pursuit of artistic creativity that drives them mad. I recently read a book by Esme Wang called "The Collected Schizophrenias", and it dove into her life of living with schizoaffective disorder, bipolar type. It was very enlightening, and helped me gain perspective and truly feel for what it means to struggle with madness. I can understand the helplessness and lack of control over what our brains think or do, and the struggle with what people deemed as normalcy vs insanity. As I read more books like that, it also helps me gain context in interpreting modern art - I now have deeper appreciation for these artists' works.

Now that I've learned a few things about modern art pieces, I no longer think of modern art is arbitrary or facetious, or "easy to make". I remember my first encounter with modern art - I saw a painting in LA's MOMA 9 years ago, and it just had a blue circle, yellow triangle, and red square on a white canvas. I thought "what, this can be put up in a famous museum?? I could paint that".

Instead of taking such work lightly, I'm going to strive to look deeper into the art (and perhaps look inward?), to feel a connection with the artist, and to appreciate the emotions evoked inside me. Not everything needs to be interpreted, or to be understood directly.

Jewel

JJ just released a new single!! It’s really good, and it’s also filmed at Singapore’s new attraction at Changi Airport - the Jewel! It’s the largest indoor waterfall in the world, and my oh my, it’s so breathtakingly beautiful...

Guess I finally know how it looks like, and can’t wait to see it in person. Also, watching the music video made me cry, tears flowing from both eyes! It’s the first time I’ve cried watching an mv like that, so it must really mean something...

Something about seeing Singapore creating newer and greater things, plus seeing Christopher Lee age so much that I can barely recognize him, plus the moving story about love that’s not meant to be...just a triple whammy on my heartstrings. Guess there’s always a soft spot in my heart for Singapore and sad love songs...and of course JJ’s wonderful music!

Happy Birthday to Me

It’s almost my birthday - it already is my birthday in Singapore time and will be soon in SF time. I’m not too excited beyond the fact that my bf will be taking me out to dinner somewhere (it’s a surprise) and I just saw that he has a 2pm pickup on his google calendar (it shows up on our shared google home!). I guess I’ll wait and see how it turns out tmr, if the pickup is for my birthday or not (Cake? Gift? Flowers?)

Which reminds me that his birthday is coming up so I need to plan what to get him besides dinner! I’m getting kindof lazy and uninspired these days, so feel free to send me any suggestions!

Also, I got to celebrate this past weekend with my friends - we went hiking and they took me to a Thai place for dinner. This Thai place is known for singing birthday songs super loudly and obnoxiously; just when you think they’re done, they go on to sing it all over again, and again! They also bang cymbals and drums and tambourines to draw as much attention to you as possible, which was super embarrassing for me. But it was all around fun haha.

My coworkers also know it’s my birthday so I think they’ll be singing me a birthday song, maybe we’ll do some drinks to celebrate. Otherwise it’ll be pretty uneventful lol.

Oh and I recently came across the news that my favorite Taiwanese singer Rainie Yang just got engaged!! I’m super happy for her, I’ve been following her for so long since my childhood days, and she didn’t seem like she was going to get married anytime soon so I gave up on any wedding news...until now! It’s nice to see celebrities getting married, reminds me that they have their own lives too outside of the spotlight. I’m glad they’re so good to fans and tell us right away!

Warning - this is in chinese:

https://www.businesstimes.cn/articles-271298-20190711-4419157433.htm

Throwback to my youth - Fish Leong

Fish Leong just released a new album! It took her 7 years to finally release another album - her last one came out in 2012!



I like her new album - it resonates with me and is her usual romantic love song style, with more mature and nostalgic lyrics. It's a lot about looking back over her past 20 years since her debut (wow I can't believe it's already been 20 years!). Her songs were the popular hits I used to listen to as a teen, and it's amazing she's still going strong even as I've become an adult. I hope she continues to be active as a singer, I want my kids to listen to her (and learn chinese this way too!)

You can listen to her songs here: https://open.spotify.com/album/13EgeVmtvcqQIdJJix6QzM (if you use spotify, otherwise try youtube or other channels!)

Here's one of my favorite songs from the album (慢冷Slow to Cool Down), take a quick listen if you don't want to listen to her whole album! It's amazing she still looks so young...I hope to be like her, remain youthful even when I'm 41 years old with kids! (fingers crossed, asian genes!)

Something incredible happened

Something incredible just happened this week. I heard from my Managing Director that I got promoted from Associate to Senior Associate. I couldn't believe my ears, I was so dazed. I don't think I've ever been this blindsided by good news before. I didn't know what to say and just kept saying thank you, and in the back of my mind, I was feeling elated and incredibly under-qualified and at the same time, feeling enormous guilt.

And here's why.

It's a historic moment - I'm the first female at our firm to be promoted to Senior Associate from entry-level analyst, and so quickly - in 4 years and 9 months. That means it only took me 2 years to be promoted from Associate to Senior Associate, and it usually takes most other people 3-5 years to be promoted, and even then, most don't get promoted. They stay at Associate for a long while and they leave before they get promoted, or they joined as an experienced hire as an Associate and don't get promoted.

And for context, it took me 2 years and 9 months to be promoted from Analyst to Associate, so this promotion is really fast in the career progression at our firm. It's amazing, fascinating, and unbelievable. I can't believe it.

This promotion is really just a title change though, since my compensation and bonus isn't really jumping that much (compared to Analyst to Associate), so it's more like a typical compensation increase from year to year.

As for why I feel under-qualified - a Senior Associate means a manager role. A lead role. I don't feel ready for either of that. I have no experience managing people, and I am doing my first lead role now which has only me myself and I, and already I constantly feel like I have no idea what I'm doing. I don't have enough guidance, coaching or mentorship from others at my firm. I'm constantly trying to figure out what I need to do, and asking people stuff, and trying to delegate work where possible. I know I'll eventually figure it out, but how long do I need to fake it till I make it? I think it will take me at least another 2 years to figure out how to be a manager properly, and have some experience leading teams / projects with multiple people on it.

That leads me to the last point - my enormous guilt. I have been feeling jaded and burned out with my current role as a consultant, and didn't gain much pleasure or enjoyment from the work. I'm 5 years into consulting, which is much longer than others in the industry / in my company; most people leave after 2 or 3 years. I'm looking for a change, I want to try something different / new, and I want to work with consistent teams and focus on a product that I can push/grow, and I don't want to travel as much anymore. I have gotten used to being local and building a routine around it, with good sleep and dance classes and spending time with my bf.

Thus I have been reflecting on my work / life goals, and am trying to find ways to combine my passion with work. Based on my understanding of who I am, my personality type and interests, I enjoy volunteering and helping others be successful (whether it's getting into college, or getting that promotion at work). So I'm looking into doing something in the education space, or health and wellness (meditation? coaching?) space, maybe in tech. Eventually, I might want to become a coach, or a therapist, since I really enjoy helping other people and empowering others directly, and not so much helping rich companies get richer.

There is this Japanese concept of ikigai https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ikigai that I'm using as a framework to figure out what I want to pursue in my next years. This neat little graphic sums it up - I'm looking for something closer to ikigai, the intersection of what I love to do, what I'm good at, what the world needs, and what I can get paid for. That would be meaningful work that won't feel like work!

But short of finding ikigai, I'm hoping to do something that's closer to a mission and passion that also makes $$. Also, my bf recommended this site to me, this might be helpful for you all in figuring out the right career path for you: https://80000hours.org/career-guide/

When should I really make the move then, now that I'm being re-affirmed in my current role?

Two articles on depression and parents

These two articles really resonate with me, and I hope they’re interesting for you too.

The first article helped me understand and distinguish depression from sadness. It’s a good reminder for times when I’m feeling sad / depressed so I’ll know the difference. Seems like it’s time to slow down and really look inwards, really introspect.

https://www.theschooloflife.com/thebookoflife/on-depression/?

Another article on being angry with my parents that I totally resonate with...I’m not sure I’ll ever do this but it’s good to know how if I’m ever ready to:

https://www.theschooloflife.com/thebookoflife/on-being-angry-with-a-parent/

Happy Mother’s Day 2019

Happy Mother’s Day everyone!

This year, I decided to deviate from the norm and get my mum paper flowers instead of fresh flowers for Mother’s Day! I hope that my mum will appreciate them. I saw these potted orchid flowers by my friend Miss Petal and Bloom and I just loved them! Plus these flowers will last longer so maybe I’ll get to see them when I go back next year. I always felt a little sad that I’ll never get to see the fresh flowers my mum got from me every time I send them to her.

Here’s a picture from the website, you should definitely check out her other flowers too! She does weddings and flower making workshops among other things.

Here’s the mother’s day note I wrote for my mum, hope it’s not too cheesy xD

亲爱的妈咪，

母亲节快乐！今年女儿送的花比往年特别，是胡姬花、像妈咪一样漂亮高贵。这盆花也不会凋谢、好让妈咪长久的保留着。这样妈咪想念女儿的时候，就可以看着我送的胡姬花而感到欣慰。希望下次我回家的时候，我们能一起欣赏这美丽盛开的花朵。

我人虽在美国、但依然会想念你跟爸爸。希望你们继续健康快乐、青春永驻！

女儿沈约彤上

How to Be a Great Parent (Person?)

Here's a great (but wordy) article I read about how to respect your child when you disagree, teach them empathy and problem solving skills. Summary is that kids want to make things work with us, they haven't build up the skills to listen, understand our perspectives, and come up with solutions. So they just say "No!" and throw a tantrum. We need to teach them these skills, or they'll turn out to think that only with power can they make other people do what they want (instead of influence, problem solving, and other emotionally intelligent skills).

As I read this, I realised it totally works for us adults too - how we can use the same exact words and skills with our coworkers, our partners, our parents...guess we still act like a child sometimes when it comes to getting what we want. I'm going to try practicing these skills more!

https://www.bakadesuyo.com/2019/02/fantastic-parent/

Here are the important points for me from the article, that I'll likely refer to over and over:

Step 1: Empathy 

The Empathy step involves gathering information from your child to understand his concern or perspective about a given unsolved problem.

“I’ve noticed that…” + (problem) + “What’s up?”

E.g., “I’ve noticed we’ve been having some difficulty when it’s time to do your homework. What’s up?”

Be calm and gentle. This isn’t an argument or an interrogation. That said, we do need an answer. And most kids will respond with the dreaded, “I don’t know” or silence. That’s okay. Frankly, the kid probably doesn’t know. They probably haven’t thought that much about it. It’s okay. Be patient. Ask questions. Encourage them to talk. Get them to clarify.

And try to find out why this problem occurs at homework time and not during other moments. Beyond that, the important thing to do is shut your big adult mouth. Do not rush to give your side of things or to solve the problem for them.

Step 2: Define The Problem

The “Defining the problem” step is when your needs enter into the equation.

“The thing is…” + (communicate your concerns about the problem)

Calm and gentle. Avoid the word “you” because it’s going to sound like an accusation. Stick to the word “I” and talk about your feelings. This teaches them to think about other people’s perspectives. 

Do both of you understand where the other is coming from? Can you both summarize the other’s position to their satisfaction? Awesome. Let’s build some more skills.

Step 3: The Invitation

Don't solve the problem for them!!

“I wonder if there’s a way we can…” + (address kid’s concern) + “but that still makes sure to” + (address your concern) +“Do you have any ideas?”

This teaches them to take other people’s feelings into consideration when problem-solving — which is a much better lesson than blind obedience to unilateral demands. Giving them first crack at suggesting the solution doesn’t just improve their empathy and problem-solving muscles, it also lets them know you’re interested in their ideas.

Step 3.5: Follow-Up (I created this title as a separation haha)

In order to work, any solution has to include two elements:

1. It has to be realistic. The kid has to actually be able to follow through.
2. It has to be mutually satisfactory. It must solve the concerns of both parties.

For the record, kids are terrible at both of these. That’s understandable, these are skills to be learned. So let’s start teaching — but not by lecturing. Children will offer solutions that solve their problem but not yours. Don’t say, “That’s a terrible idea.” There are no bad solutions here, only ones that aren’t realistic or mutually satisfactory.

“Well, that’s an idea, and I know that idea would address your concern, but I don’t think it would address my concern. Let’s see if we can come up with an idea that will work for both of us.” 

And let them try again. They’re learning to think about others’ feelings and make a plan before they behave. And when they come up with something realistic that works for both of you, you’re done for now. They’ll be more likely to follow through because it’s their solution.

You’ll know you’re making progress when the kid starts following through on their plan without reminders or help. Until then, they might screw up. No problem. Ask them how you can improve the solution so it’s more realistic or more mutually satisfying. In fact, it’s good if you both acknowledge that the first solution may not work, but that you’re both trying in good faith. Often neither of you will know if it’s truly realistic or mutually satisfactory until it’s been tried.

Acknowledging that durable solutions are refined with time reduces conflict. So don’t expect immediate miracles. Just the fact that you both showed empathy and listened will bring you closer together than shouting and orders.

Reflections on Chinese New Year

Happy Chinese New Year you all! Quick disclaimer: this post will be kind of depressing, but I’m sure most of you can relate. I’d really appreciate it if you can reach out to me and let me know how you deal with this; any suggestions or advice would be helpful.

 ———————

It’s Chinese New Year again, and I’m feeling conflicted and torn about it. Usually I feel homesick during this time of the year, because I think about all the happy and fun festivities of CNY back home and kind of miss it.

Growing up, it used to be the best time of the year for me - you get two days off, but really you’re celebrating for 15 days (and the preparation and anticipation leading up to it makes it feel more like one month!) It’s like Christmas for us, but way better, it’s fun with all the best and yummiest food and goodies and bakkwa and pineapple tarts! It’s reunion and time with family and people I love, it’s getting actual money (not just gifts) and it’s buying new clothes and shoes and playing happy music and the beginnings of spring and celebration! It’s at the start of the year but after we’ve had a month or so of school, so we get something to look forward to, to get over back-to-school blues.

But now I feel like it’s something I’ve grown apart from, that I’m no longer quite Chinese or Singaporean, but a lot more Americanized. I had the sudden realization that I missed talking in Chinese, missed listening and singing along to the Chinese New Year songs, and that my kids are going to lose a lot of this Chinese culture and experience. And it’s because I’m making a life choice to move away from my Chinese and Singaporean identity. My kids are not going to learn the CNY songs or all the customs or the Chinese legends / myths and festivals because of me.

I feel lost, like I don’t belong back home or here. I feel like I’m losing my language, culture, identity, and I don’t know what to do in life anymore. How do I recreate my life compass and identities? It makes me afraid to think that I’m losing something I’ve always been holding on to as a child - in fact I probably already have - and now where do I begin? Where do I go from here?

I know it’s part of growing up and realizing that I want something more individualistic and not quite what I’d been taught to believe in as a child, but this is a difficult struggle. How do all of you deal with your clashing of ideals and values, of past present and future, of things taught of old vs what you’re discovering for yourself now? There are things I don’t like about CNY now, and I feel sad about it. It’s things like how my relatives will always be asking the same two questions (at a minimum) - When are you moving home? When are you getting married?

If I don’t have a boyfriend, they’ll ask why don’t you have a boyfriend? Like it’s a crime to be single and happy. As though it’s my moral obligation and filial duty to be married and have kids and keep all my family’s mind at ease. I bristle at the thought of defining success so narrowly, that we have to be following this ladder of success - college, job, marriage, house, kids - in order to be considered “happy” and “successful”. Anything that deviates from this path is considered a failure, that you’re not filial or doing what needs to be done to make your family happy. Perhaps it made sense in the past, when family units were the best way to survive and do well in society, but now there are so many other ways of living and thriving! I just want to rebel and go against all these expectations, and question the assumptions behind them, whenever my relatives ask during CNY.

But no, I don’t engage in this fight, I just let it slide. I smile and make peace and say yeah no boyfriend yet, or yeah I have a bf but not married yet, or yeah maybe I’ll move back in a few years. I nod and smile and let things go.

There are other questions that hurt more sometimes, such as “you’ve grown fat/bigger!” I think the reason I’ve started to avoid going home for CNY is to avoid dealing with awkward questions like that - how do you respond to opinions/advice/judgment from your relatives, that are really passed off as rhetorical questions? I don’t really want to go home just to be judged for who I am, or what I do. But maybe that’s what family is about - you owe it to yourself and to them to explain who you are, that it’s ok for me to be different, that I can be happier the way I am.

I’m lucky that I’m not so different from the expected social norms...I shudder to imagine what some of my friends have to deal with given that they’re walking the less trodden path.

In the US, I’ve seen funny thanksgiving commercials where relatives argue over contentious issues like religion or political beliefs, but somehow those sort of things don’t hurt me personally. Only things that my family and relatives say about me can make me feel insecure, because they’re attacking my identity and self-image directly, and I do care about their opinion of me. I guess people here also have to deal with judgment from relatives too, and it’s not a unique issue to me - everyone grows up and changes who they are over time.

I’d love to hear what all your thoughts are, how you’ve dealt with your struggles, maybe how you’re dealing with them even now. I don’t want to lose my family ties and closeness to my relatives - maybe I just need to have thicker skin and not be as affected by what others say or think. I think I’m getting stronger now, and that I’d be emotionally and mentally ready for Chinese New Year next year.

What do you all think?

Thought-Provoking Books

I just finished "Tuesdays with Morrie" for the second time - the last time I read it was probably when I was 13 or 14, so I don't remember too much of it. Also, I figured that having matured over the years and rereading it as an adult would give me a vastly different understanding of the book, what with all my experiences of love and loss and responsibility. I took screenshots of a few very interesting quotes that I saved in an album, talking about death, meaning in life, detaching from emotions, marriage, and overall mindset. I'm sharing them below (scroll all the way down) so you can let me know your thoughts on them.

The book made me cry (again)...guess I'm an emotional person on these things.

On Meaning in Life

On Emotions

On Detaching from Emotions

On Giving

On Marriage

I'm also reading "Playing Big" for our company's women's initiative network group, and we're reading a few chapters at a time and discussing it. The most recent chapters I read (Chapter 5 through 7) are about women developing a "good student" mindset and habits when we were younger. We were rewarded for following the rules and obeying authority, so we become afraid to think bold and go beyond our boundaries in our adult life. This holds us back from challenging authority and making real change in this world, especially since so many of the "rules" and "boundaries" were created by men, for men. It's something I agree with, and her thoughts on how we can develop other skills that help us become good leaders and play bigger, are all interesting for me.

As I read the book, it's prompted me to think about my long-term career move. I've distilled it down to the following "criteria":
- I want to do something that helps other people on an individual, relationship level
- I also want to have a flexible work schedule, where I can define my time and take care of my kids in the future, without being forced to stick to a 9-5 work schedule (or a boss, though I'm fine with a boss)
- Makes some money so I can support the family/kids I want to have in the future
- Perhaps I could move back to Singapore, or maybe stay in the US, or work from anywhere so I can be in Asia closer to home

So here are some thoughts, nothing concrete as yet - I'm jotting them down so you guys can give me some ideas. I am passionate about women and education, so perhaps something in that area (nonprofit?). I'm also passionate about teaching and helping others, but I don't want to be a teacher. I'm thinking of becoming a coach, or maybe counselor/mentor/therapist.

Coaching is the path I'm most inclined towards now, since it has lower barriers to entry and if I figure out I don't like it, I haven't wasted as much time/$$. It doesn't require as much training or education, and you can also make a living part-time (without sticking to a 9-5 workday). It also depends on the type of coach I want to be; an executive coach makes a lot more money compared to a personal coach or leadership coach. I'm also thinking I could run workshops on coaching, on being an ally to targets of oppression, on mindset/meaning in life, or other related workshops...

My boss introduced his friend who's an executive coach to me, so I'll be chatting with him more about this. Hopefully he can help me figure out if that's the right path for me, if it's a good fit for me.