Let It Goooo~

My new microphone came, and I wanted to test it out...so here I am singing a new cover! It's been a long time since I sang an english cover, so go ahead and rejoice all you non-Chinese speakers out there xD

This is my all-time favorite disney song Let It Go (from Frozen). Interestingly, singing this song really does help me de-stress haha. Something about singing the words "LET IT GOOO~" really makes me feel like I'm letting the stress of the week go!

Hopefully I'll find more time in the coming weeks to make another English cover, I know I've been meaning to work on it...let me know if you have any song requests!

Vacation = Catching up on reading

I’m on vacation in South America right now, and I realized that it is also a way for me to relax and finally catch up on some reading - on the flights, during wait times between transportation, on buses, etc. I just finished Richard Feynman’s book “Surely you’re joking, Mr Feynman!”, and it’s such a delightful book for me, especially I’ve known him only as a famous physicist and philosopher! It made me realize this is how mavericks and really smart scientists think - they’re inquisitive, constantly challenging rules and norms, and doing things their own way. It’s also what’s celebrated in San Francisco today, though it can get annoying when pompous people try to pretend they’re one of those mavericks and act intentionally weird/antisocial when it just comes off as creepy and annoying...

Anyway, I was reading “Surely you’re joking, Mr Feynman!” and I get to the part about Brazil - and it’s so funny that I happened to be in Brazil as well. We’re in the same city that he was in (Rio de Janeiro), at Copacabana beach exactly where he described his stay at the Miramar hotel, that hotel where I just walked past yesterday. The beaches, the streets, and the neighborhoods he mentioned - Copacabana, Ipanema, Leblon, etc. it’s funny that for once I know all the places he’s talking about, having just seen them so they’re real to me, fresh in my mind.

For most of the book I had been reading it as fiction and “traveling” to Alberqueque, Los Alamos, Caltech through his words, but I’m so glad that for once I can relate to exactly where and what he’s talking about! It’s such great timing hahaha...it’s just like that time I reread “A Child called It” and it turned out the setting was in Bay Area Daly City, where I’ve been and seen multiple times since I first read the book back in Singapore. That feeling of serendipity and coincidence is just amazing hahaha

Meanwhile, I’ve been traveling all around South America for the past week, and will continue for another week and a half - through nature, big cities, and some wine and dining too! I’m really excited about what I’m going to learn and discover about these culturally rich and different countries I’m visiting!

Come What May

I'm so excited!! One of my favorite movies/musicals of all time is going to Boston / Broadway!!

http://www.nydailynews.com/entertainment/theater-arts/moulin-rouge-musical-open-boston-broadway-article-1.3605255

Here's my favorite song from the musical!

Unbelievable

This is unbelievable! I just upgraded to a newer (and faster) laptop at work, and I'm loving it! With the new Windows 10 interface (which mimics a tablet/cell phone interface, with apps, etc) and new Microsoft Office 365 Word, we're getting cool things like this function:

It's under Clarity and Conciseness, and it's amazing that they're including checks for gender-specific language, racial bias, oxford commas, passive voice, euphemisms, among other things! This is really leaps and bounds beyond my expectations lol.

Other fun updates - I celebrated Halloween last weekend with my friends, and had a really good time. I dressed up as Rey from Star Wars - The Force Awakens, which was a great costume for me since I don't like dressing up the way everyone else does in Halloween. I'm not a big fan of the stereotypes of women dressing up in sexy skimpy mini dresses with bunny ears, because all it does is perpetuate the stereotype of women having to dress sexy (and men having to dress funny/silly). It's also cold haha, so it was refreshing for me to be able to wear pants and rock the look! :D

I never really celebrated Halloween like this before, so I'm glad I had the quintessential experience here!

 Also went to Alinea in Chicago for the first time - it's my second 3-star Michelin experience and it blew my mind! It's definitely one of my 2 all-time favorite restaurants now (the other being Atelier Crenn, which I think deserves 3 Michelin stars but really has 2), and is my favorite in terms of experience! They incorporated so many elements of surprise, and subverts expectations on purpose in many ways - e.g. they put items on the table that looked like it was for food but was only for decoration, so you'd think some of the other dishes were for decoration too and NO! It turned out that those other dishes were actually cooking on your table the whole time et voila - time to eat it!

Things like that really delights the customer and brings out the playful inner child in us - I for one, did the helium balloon voice for the first time at Alinea (because they served edible helium balloons - yes go figure that). They also played with our sense of smell, sight, touch, and taste with a definite Asian fusion influence including umami and cinnamon/star anise spices. I love the food and the overall experience - I'd highly recommend it (for folks with the $$$)! They also change up the menu every once in a while so don't worry too much about spoilers haha, but I'm not going to share too many photos or you'd know what's on the menu. The whole point of Alinea is the surprise after surprise, so you're not supposed to know what comes next ;)

Edible helium balloons anyone?

Such beautiful plating and presentation - really a feast for the eyes!

I love this plating - it's just some aluminum/steel like sheet that you can crumple and folkd and play around with!

Creating dry ice over citrus fruits

My long-awaited guitar cover

I've been wanting to record this song for such a long time, I can't believe it's finally done! I've been too busy to really set aside time to learn the song, learn the guitar chords, and finally record it.

This song brings so much feels to me - for those of you who understand chinese, the lyrics are so meaningful and tragic. It feels so real, so nostalgic, and so poignant. It's about a couple parting ways (and hence the title "Your Luggage"), yet they still love each other. It's the case where the relationship doesn't work out despite both parties' greatest efforts...



If you haven't heard the original song before, please be sure to listen to it here! I know they sound wayyy better than mine awful singing, so be sure to listen to my song first so it won't seem as bad xD

Three Thousand Words

Since a picture speaks a thousand words, here are three thousand words for you (plus some bonus words):

I didn't get to celebrate Mid-Autumn Festival this year, but I got to eat some mooncakes the next day! One of my coworkers brought mooncakes - and did I mention that he's Singaporean? He's the first other Singaporean that we recruited, and from Cal no less! :D

The only photo I got of the full moon the night of Mid-Autumn Festival...this was as I was getting home at midnight on Wednesday night. This week has been a whirlwind of crazy - super long hours at work (averaging 16h each day - I worked till 3am on Thursday night!!).

This is the view of some filming in Chicago where I pass by everyday. Interestingly, Fox 32 films at this location every morning, interviewing random small celebrities.

And before I knew it, it's October already! I'll be flying off to South America for my vacation in a month - I didn't even realise it's so soon >.> Also, I've been thinking about trying for a dance performance workshop - it will be for 10 weeks, and we will learn and practice a full song choreography, and perform at the Palace of Fine Arts in December! I've been wanting to do this for a year, but always haven't had time or have been traveling on the weekends.

The dance performance that I really want to do is kpop with Jin Kim, but I can't because it's on Monday nights and I'm traveling during the week for work :(  This time I'll try to make it work by taking the hip hop workshop instead on Sunday evenings - I'll be missing 3 sessions (because of South America) but I'll try to make up for it by practising lots!

Interesting Updates

Sorry I haven’t found time to post more frequently, I’ve been traveling to Chicago every week and been having really jam-packed weekends. So quick update - I've officially started volunteering every Saturday with Minds Matter, mentoring a high school junior student for 2 hours each week. These students have at least 3.5 GPA and are motivated to study, but come from financially disadvantaged backgrounds. We help them set academic goals, figure out summer programs, college applications, etc with the goal of helping them get into good colleges.

I'm feeling very fulfilled these days because I am directly impacting someone in areas that I feel most passionately about - education and women's issues. I'm helping her with communication skills, with goal-setting, with learning the soft skills required to succeed not only in school or careers, but also in life in general. I am amazed at how much I've grown and learned in the past 7 years, and I definitely wished I had a mentor back in high school so I could have had a jumpstart on all this knowledge. And I'm glad to finally not be doing tutoring or instruction, which I have been doing in my past volunteering/job experiences.

Learning is a lifelong journey, and I'm definitely excited about learning how to be a good mentor, how to not spoon-feed and give advice all the time, but instead sit back and truly listen. How to get the student to open up with her own ideas and let her come up with the solutions. Learning how to let go of control, which translates into how to be a good parent. I think that as much as I'm giving to this mentorship, I'm getting back twice as much about being a good person and more.

On a random note - my team was talking about our uber ratings and ride statistics, and I found a website that helps pull your uber ride history. Interesting fact - I've taken 490 rides, and spent 7 days, 21h and 18m in uber rides! Pretty impressive huh. I've been using uber since 2014 September-end, so it's only been 3 years.

These days I've been taking a lot of uber rides because of my travel (and we're not renting cars anymore). Perhaps this is why - in just this past week, I've been hit on twice by my uber drivers. And that's a record - I usually get hit on once every few months, but somehow this week I'm getting a higher hit-on rate. Interesting!

And the most awkward time was last night, when I was taking an uber ride from Berkeley to SF. The moment I got on, the uber driver said that he's so glad he gets to hang out with lovely people like me. He repeated that multiple times - whenever I asked him how he's doing or how was his day, he said it's great, he gets to meet lovely people like me. Or when I asked how he liked driving uber, he said oh it's wonderful, he gets to meet lovely people like me. It was getting to the point where I was getting uncomfortable (and weirded out), yet he was driving so slowly. And I was at least 30min from home at that point.

I started to use some "taichi" techniques of conversation, steering it more towards himself so I can avoid the conversation topic about me. I asked him about what kind of music he liked, and he started playing music for us and that helped speed time by. Unfortunately, it didn't work well enough. He asked me if I was single, and then proceeded to invite me to an African club. He kept asking me if I wanted to hang out, and whether I was free tonight, or "how about Saturday?" or "how about Sunday"? I told him it's probably not a good idea.

Sigh. Sometimes being a woman can be difficult, because you end up with unwanted attention. Sometimes it's great, because you get all the attention you were looking for. It's just hard to balance both, and I still need to figure out a better way to deal with being hit on. Maybe I should just lie and say that I have a boyfriend?

Funky thing - I broke a spoon today at lunch while trying to open the plastic containing all the cutlery. Who knew I could be so super-humanly strong??

Being Privileged, and How to Counter Motivated Reasoning Arguments

Gosh. Disclaimer: intellectual rant discussion coming up! Be prepared to have your brain cells fried, and please please comment or message me with your thoughts! My office was discussing all of the below today at lunch, and I'm just bursting with thoughts and discussion points. Would love to hear what other people think, and also happy to share more information on any of the below if you're interested :D

With the rise of technology (i.e. internet), we are overwhelmed with an abundance of information. How can we tell what is accurate or not? How can we be discerning when it comes to biases in arguments, assumptions made in claims, and fact vs fiction (#alternativefacts anyone)?

Recently James Damore from Google's Alphabet published a memo about how men are discriminated against when companies such as Google focus on hiring more women.  His argument was based upon specious evidence that men are actually better coders than women. Here's the original memo he published (keep an open and critical mind - treat this as your GRE/SAT exam and examine his assumptions/claims!): https://medium.com/@Cernovich/full-james-damore-memo-uncensored-memo-with-charts-and-cites-339f3d2d05f

The Economist provided a great perspective and response in answering Mr. Damore. It is the kind of response that can be universally applied in the face of arguments that are driven by motivated reasoning. Given today's political climate (white supremacy/neo-Nazis/alt-right rallies, anti-immigrant sentiments, Brexit/Trump election) I think it's really important to be aware of this rebuttal example so that we can apply it when appropriate. 

https://www.economist.com/news/international/21726276-last-week-newspaper-said-alphabets-boss-should-write-detailed-ringing-rebuttal

There's also been a discussion on the tolerance paradox going viral these days - as we encourage our societies to be more tolerant and inclusive, we inevitably bump up against intolerant people and have to become intolerant of intolerance in order to maintain tolerance in society...which forms the paradox. Where do we draw the line of tolerance and intolerance? Where do we draw the line between freedom of speech and hate speech? Where do we draw the line between listening to our coworkers and friends talk about incorrect facts/beliefs, vs us challenging their strongly held belief system that is tied to their core identity? It's almost like disagreeing on religious principles, how can we handle huge discrepancies in opinions that are really emotionally charged beliefs?

At least all these issues are prompting critical discussion and thoughtfulness among our youth (i.e. me), who are no longer as apathetic to politics or changes in the world. What I see is people with privilege and entitlement on one hand, vs targets who suffer inherent disadvantages and unconscious biases (implicit or explicit). What I see are folks who are afraid of change and are comfortable with the way things were, vs folks who embrace change as the constant in life. 

There are a lot of interesting arguments for both sides, and I would say the key as always, is to encourage empathy, gratitude and kindness. We should teach our kids, peers, family and ourselves to continually step back, see the bigger picture, keep an open mind, and to travel so we truly encounter cultures and people who are different from us. To engage in conversations with people who hold different opinions from ours, and to suspend our judgment. Don't jump to conclusions that our belief system is always right, and that others' are wrong. The more we learn, the more we'll realise that we don't know much at all. 

And that's the fun of being alive! :) (and having the privilege of education, of not being dark-skinned, of having $$, etc etc...)

Update on 9/5/17: There is also a new website called Verrit (backed by Hillary Clinton) that verifies and contextualizes news so we can be more informed about "facts" that are going around on the internet: http://www.businessinsider.com/what-is-verrit-hillary-clinton-news-media-for-the-65-8-million-2017-9 Interesting idea, definitely needed in today's world - but who's watching the watcher?

wedding songs!

we finally performed those wedding songs!! i feel like it's been a year in the making, and finally d-day came and passed by.

I'm so happy that I'm able to be there for my best friend of 13 years (gosh I've known you for half my life!) and also to be able to do my favorite thing ever - sing! I also really really like my singing partner jy, she's so nice and amazing at singing! not to mention she's really cute too, I can't believe she hasn't found a great guy who loves her and cherishes her yet! I guess doctors are really too busy to date....single guys out there in singapore, if you're interested let me know ;)

here are the videos, they're kind of shaky but really funny. also jy's microphone volume was too soft so I realised my harmonizations sounded a little too loud T.T I was also sick with a blocked nose so I couldn't really hear myself, so pardon any off-pitch singing haha.

oh and it is funny that jy and I take turns singing the wrong lyrics, but at least at any point in time one of us is always correct! :D

First song - Fan Wei Qi's Zui Zhong Yao De Jue Ding (The Most Important Decision)

Pro Tip: We entered from the back and walked down the aisle as we sang the song :)


Second song - Elton John's Can You Feel The Love Tonight


I realised that Elton John's original key is a little low, it would probably have sounded better if we sang it at a higher pitch - but oh well next time i guess xD

brainy beauty?

this is a #notsohumblebrag post - but someone nominated me for a beauty pageant in singapore! I feel completely floored that people think of me as someone who would be in a beauty contest, not to mention actually do well in it! I've always been seen as the nerdy person, not the brainless bimbo...so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad thing. I'm going to see it as a good thing - they think of me as a brainy beauty!

If I were in sg I would totally go for it, just for the experience and to find out if the stereotypes are true - all the catfights/backstabbing/stress to look pretty and skinny, or if everyone's really nice and all about the sisterhood. I would definitely fail terribly at it but at least it would be a once in a lifetime experience no? xD

As I thought about it, I had another terrifying thought - the other contestants would make me feel like I'm too fat, I'm not pretty enough, I'm not skinny enough, I'm too dumb, etc. It wouldn't be a confidence booster, but rather it would be a confidence destroyer! Knowing my confidence issues, this would definitely challenge my self-identity and how I see myself...

Given that my mum always says to me: aiyo why you turned so dark again! why are you so fat! etc, I have a constant image of what an asian lady should look like i.e. not quite like me. Ideally I should be skinny and tall (or small and short and cute) and super fair and THEN I can get married and have lots of babies or something. oh gosh the ephemeral and unattainable image of success. #asianparents

Oh well. I shall continue to strive towards my own definition of success, to continually grow and learn without my self-identity being affected by what others think of me.

Relating to The Tea Girl

I'm halfway through this book a friend recommended me called "The Tea Girl of Hummingbird Lane" by Lisa See, and I love it so far! It's been a long while since I was last so entranced, enchanted and engrossed by a book that I can hardly put it down. It's a story about an Akha girl growing up in a rural mountain village of Yunnan as a tea picker, and how she grows and transforms as she struggles against her hill tribe's traditions and superstitions. This is definitely refreshing, immersive and absolutely thought provoking. It reminds me of my family's love for tea and what I know about the hill tribes (like A-mei! and other tribal minorities); it also reminds me of my extended family back in china and how globalization / industrialization has affected them. The romanized terms in the book are chinese words that I know, such as gaokao, pu-er, po-nay, etc so I feel an affinity towards the book whenever I see these words. The superstitions and traditions seem accurate and they provoke such stirring feelings in me as I read about them. It's the story-telling and the way it transports me into this rural setting that's really left an impact on me.

I love how her transformation over the years reminds me of my transformation as I left my home, went outside of my comfort zone and unlearned the traditions, superstitions and Asian way of life/Asian mindset. Like me, she became westernized and modernized, and looked critically at superstitions that no longer made sense to her. Like me, she struggled against what she thinks is right vs what she's learned from her family/village is right, vs what the outside world is teaching her.

In the book, globalization and its impact on the village took place at a much faster rate than I'd expect (within 8 years! Is that how long it really took in China?) and hence felt a lot more shocking to me. I still don't know how the Akha villagers adapted so quickly and knew how to let go of their old ways and beliefs - they're surprisingly open minded for a group of close minded tribal folks - was it due to necessity and money? I know it happened too with my extended family in china, but they weren't as superstitious though. How much of this is reflected across rural china? How much of this is reflected in other insular and traditional societies across the world?

To what extent is this change good or bad? *Spoiler Alert* I'm glad they've stopped killing twins in the book, and I know that leaving and being different from the rest was seen as a shameful thing for her. However as the main character gained confidence, developed a sense of self identity and what she's looking for, she no longer cared as much about the Akha old ways that were only holding her back. Now her family/villagers celebrate her differences only because she's become successful, but they still insist that she gets married, as though marriage is the hallmark of success. I've seen that a lot too when I go home, the Asian belief that you have to be married to be happy.

The same beliefs that if I'm not married I'm unwanted and it's bad, that once I leave home I won't want to come back, that I have to abide by my family's rules and ways when I'm home. I feel the same way she does - frustration that your family can't accept you the way you are and trust your decisions as an intelligent and independent adult. They want to impose their beliefs and mindset on you, so they can be important in your life again. This has been and will continue to be a struggle for me - how can I adjust my self identity and still accommodate different beliefs back home, and how can I live happily in this combination of influences? How can I live with myself and with my family's mindset without offending anyone, without compromising my self?

I foresee some difficult conversations and tough decisions in my future; hopefully I'll be much better prepared for it when the time comes...

On a side note - I did my first "business" lunch of sorts today with a career officer at Stanford, discussing some opportunities for recruiting on campus this year. I'm really excited about it, and I feel grown up talking business over lunch on my own, without any other senior person taking charge. :D

stunned

Interesting episode of the day - last night I was at the hotel lobby (it was around 12.30am), heading back to my room, when I saw a waiter needing help with a few heavy boxes on a cart. I helped him out for a bit and another hotel guest helped out too. That hotel guest then made conversation with me and squeezed my arm / biceps saying wow you're strong eh? I was super shocked - no one has ever squeezed my biceps before, not to mention a complete stranger!!

As we headed up in the elevator, he was friendly and talking to folks in the elevator, but because I was on one of the top floors it ended up being just the two of us left behind. I said - oh we're on the same floor? He just smiled and said - are we?

That's when I had a sinking feeling - thinking omg is he a creepy stalker and going to follow me to my room? I suddenly felt unsafe, afraid and very uncomfortable...this guy was creeping me out!

He asked - what are you doing after this? I said...sleep? We reached my floor and I walked out - he followed and said - you sure you don't want to hang out? I said, trying to act nonchalant while freaking out inside, "nah - I've had a long day. Goodnight" and then I walked off briskly.

Honestly I was freaked out and didn't know what to do if he decided to follow me. A few seconds later I thought I should have walked in the opposite direction of my room so he couldn't find out where I was staying, but it was too late and I looked back - fortunately he didn't follow me. Once I got in the room, I put on the privacy lock and it took a while to compose myself. Guess it's not always safe traveling on your own as a female, esp later at night.

In hindsight, I feel flattered that this guy was interested in me, but I felt more stunned by this revelation - is this how guys pick up girls? By staying on in an elevator and hoping they get to hang out (in the room???) and get some? Maybe he's just trying his luck, but I guess I'm too innocent in the ways of this world...

I'm just glad nothing happened. Guess I do have to stay viligant every once in a while, and be more used to guy's attentions lol

Many happy returns of the day!

It's my birthday tomorrow, but because it's a work day and I'll be traveling for work (and will probably be working late fixing that big presentation...), I ended up celebrating all weekend with my friends. We started off on Friday with a michelin star japanese restaurant called Ju-ni (meaning 12 in japanese), then bar-hopping/clubbing after that. This is mainly because of a friend visiting from Atlanta, so we wanted to take her out and have fun in SF while celebrating my birthday.

I haven't gone clubbing in a year (since my birthday last year), guess now it really is an annual occurrence lol. I had such an amazing time though, it was a real great confidence booster! I walked in the door and within 2 seconds this guy came and talked to me. and the trend continued...one after another, I ended up getting 搭讪 by 8 different guys that night! I also got to dance, get free drinks, and really let go of myself the way I don't do anymore...it really made me feel carefree and young and like a child again. This weekend, I let loose a lot more than I usually do, which made me realise how uptight and "old" I've become now. I don't like drinking, or going out, or doing crazy things anymore. I don't jump around laughing because I feel happy, or dance on the streets, or sing at the top of my voice just because. And this weekend I did all of the above and more hahaha.

On Saturday, I went to a cosplay festival (my first one in sf) - again another nostalgic thing from my past-life. I had associated it with a waste of time (which is what my dad thinks), and as a responsible adult I shouldn't be wasting time on that, but going made me feel happy and young again. Brought back all the happy memories of my youth indulging in anime, jpop, going to cosplay events and hanging out with my japanese club friends.

Am I becoming more like my dad, like adults who just judge everything that people do, especially if it's someone different from you, doing something you don't agree with? I wish I can retain a child-like heart while gaining maturity and wisdom. That's what I'm reflecting on this year, as I embark on the beginning of my late twenties - I want to keep my child-like trust and belief in the good of people, while being realistic and wise about the dangers/risks of the world. There is a constant pull of conflicting factors - do we live life like there's no tomorrow being risk-taking, or do we live life planning ahead for the future and being risk-averse? How do we balance being carefree and being responsible? How do we let loose while being in control? To what extent should we explore vs exploit?

Then Saturday evening I had dinner with my housemates (who so kindly treated me, thank you!). There was a problem with our reservation because we showed up late, and we had a person who was going to be another 30min late - to me it was our fault and it's natural that they had to let go of our table and we had to wait at least 45min for a table to open up. However my friends didn't agree with it since they had called ahead and let them know of the situation, and they said they could seat us as long as we ordered first. It became a point of contention with the restaurant manager, and I wanted to tell them hey just let it go, it is our fault and even if we could get seated and ordered first, we would still have to wait for the last guy anyway. Instead, we could just hang out in the area until that person arrived, then it's about time for a table to open up.

However that's not how they saw it, and they remained aggressive towards the restaurant manager. I saw how I didn't know how to intervene and deal with difficult situations when they're my friends - I didn't know how to go against them in a nice way, while protecting the interests of the restaurant. I was siding with the restaurant, but my friends were not seeing it that way as their expectations and trust were being betrayed. It definitely put a downer on the celebratory mood for the meal, but I also saw my shortcomings in this area. I need to learn how to step up and speak up for what I think is right in a sensitive and tactful manner, so I won't be hurting my friends...

After dinner, we went to catch a play called the "Curious Incident of the Dog in the Nighttime". I read this book many years back, so I was excited to find out it's been made into a play! It's very interesting to see how they translated the thoughts and emotions and experiences of an autistic teen with information / sensory overload by using lighting, sounds and dance movements. There were digital panels on all walls of the stage projecting information and words and images that supported all these, and the technology use was amazing. They also broke the 4th wall by referring to the audience and to making a play out of his story - which was actually the play we're watching! I really enjoyed how they put the play together - definitely worth a watch. Oh and be sure to stay past the "end" credits because there will be additional 5min of acting after that xP

On Sunday, I went to napa valley with my friends and decided to wear my new flowery sundress! It's pretty and has an asymmetrical hem, and it made me feel confident, happy and like a celebrity haha. Clothing really can transform a person (emotionally, mentally, physically...). We went to 3 wineries - two of them are new to me but were recommended by friends, while one was my usual favorite winery I always go to. We did a few tastings, did a cave tour, and I bought a very nice bottle of Madeira! yumm...it shall last me for the rest of the year haha. Also, I helped out an elderly couple with directions to Livermore - my good deed of the day! And the cashier was kind to me too, he found out it's my birthday tomorrow and threw in a chocolate bar in my bag for free! Really, kindness is contagious - let's aim to help a person a day, or at least gift a smile to someone so this kindness would pass on.

It was today outside a winery that I danced, sang, jumped and laughed. I did some pretty crazy things not because of the wines (I wasn't tipsy because I poured away tastings I didn't finish), but rather I was so happy and in a good mood today. I have so many things to be grateful for - I'm alive and healthy, with a great job and career and income, I can afford to eat whatever I want and travel wherever, I am at the prime time of my life and can date whoever I want, I am young but have learned so much to know I need to learn more, and I had a great weekend and friends who are celebrating me! It's amazing really, and I wish I did that more. Embrace the joys of life that we should be grateful for.

busy life!

There's been a lot going on in my life these days - sorry I haven't been updating! Hmm quick summary: I got promoted at work this month, had my raise and bonus woots! I'm preparing for training in DC next week - I'm presenting on cloud strategy to my company so I'm excited about that. I started on a new project based in Chicago/SF so I'm spending more time in SF and also traveling once or twice a month to Chicago, so that's pretty nice.

I'm going on dates with folks I met at salsa dancing and at speed dating - not too much progress there but we'll see how things go. I'm trying different michelin star restaurants, and have been traveling a lot - to Costa Rica, Boston, Pittsburgh (for fun) and Chicago (for work). I'll be going to DC and NYC next week, and then various national parks for Independence Day and Labor Day. Fun right?

Oh and our stove broke out in an electrical fire of sorts this Monday and really scared me and my roommate badly - made me reflect on how underprepared we were had it been a huge fire! Made me re-think how vulnerable we are...

And lastly, I'm preparing a new song for my friend's wedding! We decided to do an english song "Can You Feel the Love Tonight" which is pretty cliche love song, but you can't really go wrong with that (and it's also disney!). I'll also be singing with the bride's friend - Fan Wei Qi's wedding song Zui Zhong Yao De Jue Ding. I didn't really like it at first, but somehow I've warmed up to it and now I find it fun to sing haha. I recorded a version with the melody and harmony - I didn't sing it very well because it was really my first take and I didn't have time to make it better haha (been busy with work), but I'll keep practicing and make sure it sounds better for the wedding day!

It was way more fun choreographing the harmonies and figuring out how to sing the harmony track hehe!

my recent workout activity ^^

my dancing is awful, but going for this kpop dance class always challenges me and makes me sweat! and i definitely feel myself improving each class :D

p.s. the guy in the middle at the end is the instructor. he's so good right!

Being a better parent

Here's an article on how to answer children's questions without deceiving them, I think it's really helpful! Especially since I'll need to figure out how to say these in Chinese hahaha -
I want to make sure my kids speak Chinese at home, so I'll lead by example!

https://brightside.me/inspiration-family-and-kids/11-correct-answers-to-childrens-questions-that-always-stump-parents-330960/?utm_source=fb_brightside&utm_medium=fb_organic&utm_campaign=fb_gr_brightside

It reminds me of that time as a kid I pointed at a dwarf lady (who was around my height back then) and asked my mum super loudly, "为什么她那么矮?" The lady got super angry and started scolding me, saying "你怎么这么没有家教!"

I was so shocked and hurt by her scolding I started crying because I didn't like to be scolded (I still don't), and I figured I must have done something wrong. I was feeling traumatized for a long while after that, and till today I'll always remember that incident. Now I know how my mum should have taught me preemptively so I wouldn't have gotten scolded lol. And now I know I hurt that lady badly with my innocent question, which is why she retaliated with hurting me instead. As an adult, I'll have to learn to be more open to criticism and to innocent (but true) questions like that, so I won't be hurting kids, but rather educating them to be empathetic and kinder in their interactions.

Also, wherever you are lady, I'm sorry :( Please forgive a young child's thoughtlessness, and I hope you are living a happy life now.

P.S. I guess only kids will point out things that look different or don't make sense, which is why the truth actually gets revealed in the Emperor's New Clothes!

3rd time's the charm in Chicago

This is my 3rd time in Chicago, and I learned a lot more about it than I've ever had before. I saw the segregation of cultures and ethnicity - rich neighborhoods that were predominantly white everywhere you looked, with fancy shops and spas and massage and manicure places. 99% of the cars were beautifully washed, waxed and shined, gleaming in the sun oh so clean. And I definitely felt safe walking around here.

Then I also had the opportunity to walk through neighborhoods that were predominantly black, and it's unfortunate that the stereotypes hold true here - it's sketchy and I didn't feel as safe walking here, there were drunk ppl (at 7pm whaaatt) and drivers that don't stop for pedestrians! When we're crossing the road on a green light, the driver refused to stop for us and turned right cutting us off, and we had to stop for cars on multiple occasions when cars didn't stop at the stop sign. This is such a different experience for me here (compared to sf or other cities) and it honestly made me feel a little sad. Asians also mostly live in a few congregated neighborhoods like Chinatown or Vietnamese town or Korea town (or Chicago theater area)...

I guess this happens in many places in the world, but having it to this degree is a little of a surprise for me, since I thought of Chicago as a very diverse city. Another interesting observation - I walked through a protest downtown on Friday on the way to dinner; it was a protest on the US stance on Syria and was against a US war in Syria. Very interesting to see that this is an active city on politics as well - quite a mishmash of conservative midwestern culture vs open minded city folks.

I also encountered a few drunks this trip - once on an uberpool ride and once in a deep dish pizza restaurant. The uberpool ride was understandable since it was 11 on a Friday night. The drunk person was just repeating himself and stating the obvious very loudly (e.g. I'm not being dropped off here, can you give us a ride home! Oh yes? Thank you!!). His friend was high on something and was generally not responsive to questions - I was more uncomfortable about him actually but oh well, I'm against drugs that's probably why :/

However, we were at the pizza restaurant at 7pm on Saturday, and these three (white) guys next to us were already drunk! One of the guys made conversation with us in a very drunken way, asked some questions that can be construed as racist but being the Singaporean I am, I don't really get offended and was glad to correct their misconceptions and stereotypes of Asians. Also he seemed to think I'm from China even though I said Singapore. Oh well no surprise there, especially since he's drunk. And it was funny because he's 42 and has two kids, but he kept saying nice things to me (hitting on me?). He tried to get me and my guy friend to party at his hotel bar lol, no way we're going to go.

Also, I was happy because he said I was beautiful (at least 4 times - "man she is beautiful!", "It must be hard. It must be hard being so beautiful."), that I had such beautiful straight teeth, that I must be smarter than my guy friend, that I am an independent strong woman and my guy friend should learn from me hahaha. It was both offensive and sexist and a compliment at the same time. I very much enjoyed it ;) And it's mainly because my guy friend isn't portraying himself as confidently as I was; I wasn't deterred by these guys at all but he was visibly uncomfortable, so that made a difference. I guess I know how to play this American game now, how to look and talk confident so I can fit in :)

Now I'm leaving, and I'm glad I got to see the real Chicago this time. I also got to watch Hamilton the musical (yesss!!!) finally, a dream come true haha. I want to watch the musical again and close up on the front rows lol, if only it's not so $$$$...

A dream job?

I think I may have found something I want to work on if/when I move back home...I'm very inspired by NMP Kuik Shiao-Yin's recent COS speech to the Finance Minister in light of the recent lack of trust in government institutions. I looked her up and turns out she cofounded this "School of Thought" learning center: http://www.straitstimes.com/singapore/kuik-shiao-yin-a-battle-for-singapores-spirit

"She explained that they would teach subjects in a new way, so as to spark empathy and social responsibility".

That's exactly what I'm passionate about, and what I want to teach the future and current generation as well! I'm super inspired right now, I want to find out if there are more people like her and more jobs like that, which can make positive change and impact back home. For the uninitiated, this is the video I was talking about, I was really impressed. Completely changed the way I saw Singapore's politics.

I wish more politicians are like her - have heart, empathy and listen to the people.
https://www.facebook.com/luvsgp/videos/383644652006348/

Tearful songs

I've been waiting to finally record another song since over a month ago - been itching to learn how to play this song on the guitar and sing to it. It's JJ Lin's Xiu Lian Ai Qing (Practice Love), one of my favorite songs from him. Absolutely love it!

When JJ was writing a song for his album back in 2013, his management wanted him to write about a secret. He decided to write about a girl - a childhood friend of his from secondary school days. She liked him back then, and would bring him breakfast every morning, and they would spend time composing songs together - he wrote the song and she wrote the lyrics. However, JJ never liked her back romantically, and she died in a plane crash right after. When the rescuers found her belongings, they found a photo of JJ in her wallet - it was the photo of himself that he had given to her. Her relatives then returned that photo to him.

This was a secret that he had buried since he was 16, because he didn't know how to deal with it then. Now he knew to write a song dedicated to her, which helped him move on.

Such a sad and emotional song, definitely worth a listen!



Also really like this song that my friend shared with me - it's such a great duet with the guitar, cello and violin!

Managing Unconscious Bias

I have been talking to a lot of people about this in Singapore - unconscious bias against women in the workplace, and how meritocracy has been covering up the existence of these biases. I am feeling very passionate about this, and I'm so glad that women are speaking up about this and gaining traction in the Bay Area. Let's try and bring this movement to Singapore as well!

To start off, make sure you read Susan Fowler's reflections and experience with sexism at Uber (it's in the link below), and the rest of the content. This might be the most important thing you'll ever read in your life, so you understand what your unconscious biases are and what your privileges are:

https://medium.com/@hadrad1000/reflecting-on-susan-fowlers-reflections-e2dccb374b47#.s5oenecyd

Then read what you can do about it:
- https://managingbias.fb.com/
- https://medium.com/@hadrad1000/how-do-i-ally-being-an-ally-to-women-in-technology-73b70fb86a98#.8b4muttuc

unbelievable!

I'm super excited - I'm headed back to Singapore in 5 days!! It's been a year since I've been home last, so I'm really looking forward to going home, meeting my friends and family and just taking a break from work haha.

I will be trying out Singapore Airlines' direct flight for the first time, so we'll see how that goes (15+ hours in economy huh...). I'm headed home as I'm bridesmaid (for the first time!) for my friends' wedding, so I'm really excited for the hen party and wedding day! Interestingly, I just found out that my cousin is also doing his ROM when I'm back, so I signed up to be there for his solemnisation too. This means I've got to bring a bunch of dresses and shoes and makeup back lol...I'm super happy for my cousin and my friends too! hehehe

Also, I found out my friend from DC is currently in KL and is looking to come to Singapore too, so I told him to come when I'm there so I can bring him around and eat lots of good food! I'm also much better at swimming now, so I'm looking forward to finally using the swimming pool back home haha. I'm also looking forward to some down time to myself and finally doing all those coursera classes I signed up for (e.g. korean, middle eastern politics, how to reason and argue, etc).

All in all, lots going on in the back half of my february, and I just can't wait! this is incredibly unbelievable!

on a side note, I brought home my second guitar as I'm anticipating that I'll be moving off the Denver project, so here they are! The Jasmine and Yamaha sisters ;)

On a side side note, I really liked La La Land so much that I'm watching it for the second time in the cinema with my roommate!! And I'm back into musicals now, so I just caught Fun Home last weekend, and will be watching Rent the musical tomorrow night. So inspired by La La Land haha. Then I'm taking my first salsa dance class on Tuesday, then kpop dance on wednesday, then it's time for home sweet home! :D

Definitely keeping myself busy eh?

This is water.

This may very well be the most important video I've seen in my life. It's only audio, and is the famous commencement speech by David Foster Wallace, "This is Water". All of you should listen to it when you get a chance:



Otherwise you can also read it in transcript form here: https://web.ics.purdue.edu/~drkelly/DFWKenyonAddress2005.pdf

I was so impressed by his eloquence and the way he showed the value of education in both abstract and concrete terms, with examples and analogies. This left an impact on me and codified what I actually have been learning and struggling to do myself in the past few years. I called it "empathy", that we need to learn to see things from others' perspectives and to think in their shoes, and hence act accordingly with kindness and respect. It was such a difficult thing to learn though, for people to truly internalize and do in their day-to-day lives. It was hard getting the point across without seeming patronizing or lecturing, and that's why I'm supremely amazed by how he did it so well without imposing his views on us. He gave his story, and we all learned a little something from there.

In his speech, he called it awareness, to choose consciously how to think and what to think, to be well adjusted and not see everything as being all about yourself.

I realize now his way of putting it is a lot more digestible, and easier for the bright-eyed, proud new graduates to understand. They wouldn't be able to understand empathy the way they can understand awareness from him, from the way his speech laid it out as a self-centric mechanism of being aware and thinking consciously of others. It really illustrates and teaches us what we need to do with our lives, with our day ins and day outs.

I'm so glad that my friend shared this with me. It really changes the way I think when I say things like "they should be better at communicating" or "they should be better at empathy and understanding each other!" when I watch shows like Terrace House. When I observe human interactions that I wholly disapprove of. I realise that the easier way to put it is that they have to be more conscious and aware of others, and put in the effort to choose to think different.

I also feel somewhat a connection to David, by the fact that he's been struggling with depression and in the end committed suicide in 2008 (a mere 3 years after this iconic speech). I've read somewhere that depressed people have a more realistic view of the world, while people who are not depressed are usually over-optimistic and over-confident about how they stand in the world (e.g. they all think they look above average...which can't be possible).

Having gone through depression before in my teens, I saw the world clearly for what it stood, but I could never really express what I meant until now. I've always been advocating empathy and kindness, but now I can point to an alternative approach - this is water.

Our most ambitious music video yet!

This has been in the planning for a few weeks, and finally we made it happen! It's our first semi-professional (attempt) at making a music video - here are some sneak preview shots:

Our emo shot at the Golden Canyon, which can also serve as our album cover (if we ever publish one)

My housemate and I were planning to visit Death Valley and decided that it would also be a perfect location for all these stunning scenery shots for our music video. Please pardon all our my awful attempts at looking like professionals (and failing terribly...); instead, gawk at how beautiful Death Valley is!

Jump Shot at Badwater (Salt Flats)

hehe that was the whole point, even if our singing was terrible and the video sucked, at least you get more amazing sceneries than the original MV offered hahaha.

Hope you'll enjoy this as much as we did in making it, and stay till the end for some behind-the-scenes bloopers!

my first experience with Death

I just heard the news from my parents that my grandma probably won't live past this Friday. She hasn't been doing well this past year - she was diagnosed with liver cancer last March and underwent surgery to cut out a portion of her liver and colon where it had spread to. She had to live with a stoma, and perhaps it's because of her age (she's 80) surgery created complications for her recovery. She had kidney failure so she needed dialysis three times a week, she kept getting infections and fevers so she would be admitted to the hospital for weeks at a time. Every time she's discharged she'll develop some other illness and had to be sent back to the hospital. My uncle and aunt put her in a hospice for a while but she had to go back to the hospital before long.

Finally, the doctors found that the cancer had spread to her lungs. The only treatment is chemotherapy, but everyone agreed that she's not going to be able to take it. She's also been having low blood pressure because of the kidney dialysis, which means that blood may not be able to get to her heart or brain, i.e. her heart can stop anytime, she can go brain dead anytime. The doctor injected some medication for her to increase her blood pressure but it didn't work well and only gave her fainting spells.

Now, my grandma is in a comatose state, and hasn't been responsive since 12/23/16. My parents, uncle, aunt and the doctors have made the decision to stop her kidney dialysis so she won't suffer complications from low blood pressure. This is meant to end her suffering earlier rather than just keeping her alive with injections. This also means that there will be toxin buildup in my grandma's body, that her body will fail. That she will not live past the next few days.

I don't really know how I feel about this. Even though she's my grandma, I realized that I haven't been close to her at all - not during my childhood (I was in hk), not in my teens (my family didn't stay with her) nor in my adulthood (now that I'm in the us). She's just someone I visited every once in a few months, and got angpaos from during CNY. She had always been in a wheelchair for as long as I can remember (she had a stroke in her 50s and couldn't walk properly since then), and she's always lived with my uncle or aunt. I got the feeling that my mum was never too close to her either, since my mum was often out working back in her youth, and then she moved out early on.

This is the first time a close relative of mine is dying, and with the very real implication of a funeral coming up. I feel compelled to take sick leave of bereavement (which I can) and fly back just for her funeral, and I'm willing to do that, though I never expected it would be so soon. My parents told me not to do that though, especially since I'm heading back next month. My mum said that my brother will represent me, and that she will get a funeral flower wreath on my brother's and my behalf.

I feel somewhat guilty that I never bothered to become closer to my grandma, that I never bothered to learn more about her and her life. That I was never interested in what she did, what she thought, what her life had been like, what wisdom she might be able to impart. She's always been there to smile at me awkwardly, ask me things about my work/whether I had a bf, and comment about the weather or a tv show. Never anything deep, never anything close. I don't feel sorry for not being closer, but I feel guilty that I don't feel sorry. I wonder if this is what it's like to feel apathetic to your relatives, to someone you're not close to. I even feel some relief that I don't have to go for her funeral, since I'm pretty sure I won't be able to cry for her.

I'm not sure how my mum feels about this. I've asked her several times if she's ok, and she always said that there's nothing to do about it, when ppl grow old this is what happens.

I know that the funeral is mainly for the ones who are left behind, so it's to support my mum, my uncle, and my aunt. Ppl who have cared and loved for my grandma and would need support at the time of her passing. When my mum says this, I always worry about whether I should still worry for her or not. It's all too confusing and foreign to me, and I honestly don't know what to do or feel. I am not a cold blooded animal, but sometimes I feel like I must be one if I don't feel for my grandma. All I feel is slight guilt, and pity for her. I worry about me growing old, and becoming like that. Suffering from poor health, not quite dead but dying? I'd hate it, I'd absolutely abhor it and I'd rather be dead. So I stop thinking about it and instead read books about assisted suicide, and how ppl choose to die rather than be a burden to their family and keep suffering in pain.

My thoughts are all a jumble right now, and the best I can do is to write this down, and then ignore it all. It's not going to be a momentous event to me when my grandma passes, but would it be if it's my mum? My dad? My brother?

Would I cry for them if it's them instead of my grandma? Why is it I don't miss them when I'm out here away from home, and when I do I mainly miss the cooking, the company, the comfort of having someone else to take care of me?

Am I really a cold person after all?

I wish my family had grown up closer and with more outward love and laughter, rather than expectations and pressure. I wish we could have been so close that it's normal to hug them and say I love them.

Is it possible to change this now? Do I even want to change this now?

Update 1/7/17 4.32am Singapore Time: my grandma has passed away, and the wake is being held starting this afternoon in Singapore in Marsiling, at the void deck of her old HDB home. I will not be attending, but in my heart I feel deeply for my grandma. I wish all the best for her, and I hope that she will finally find peace and be free of pain wherever she is now.