cute vendor

is it cheating if you fantasize about getting the attention of another guy (and having him gain romantic interest in you) while you have a bf?

possibly. does this mean i'm dissatisfied, and i crave the attention of other guys?

maybe i just want to feel loved. i just want the excitement of feeling like i still have the power to make heads turn because of the way i am.

there's this cute guy (youngish, probably only a few years older than me) in one of my vendor groups. i've worked closely with him on a few things in our project, and if i were single, i would really want to flirt with him and get his attention. he's smart, attentive, nice and very smiley. doesn't hurt that he's so good-looking and not yet married (but we don't know if he's unattached, haven't got the nerve to ask). i know this is wrong, but i feel the impulse to try and flirt a little or be nicer to him, just because we don't have a generation gap the way i do with the others, and also because we're both at the bottom of the hierarchy in our respective project teams. i feel both sorry for him and a connection with him in that sense.

still, even if i weren't attached, there might be quite some problems with us getting together since he's a vendor and i'm supposed to be impartial and representing my client. it might go against certain unspoken social rules for us to get too close hmm? maybe that's why it's so exciting, so fun. like almost breaking the rules but not quite. the sparkling possibilities that might arise because of this interaction. or nothing would happen at all.

i know i'm still level-headed enough to not do anything beyond just talking with him and getting our work done, but i still feel guilty for my slight fantasy and desire to try and attract his romantic interest. sigh. what to do when there are cute temptations around and your bf is not?

UPDATE: 1/20/15
Nothing happened (as expected). I have discussed this with my bf like right after writing this post, and we have resolved this issue quite straightforwardly. Seems like temptation is normal, and as i weigh the consequences/choices and still make the decision to love and stay with my bf, our relationship grows stronger!

great article on how to be masters of love + psychological tools

i came across this article on how to maintain a relationship long-term and keep a happy marriage. i realise it's so true! i should "turn toward" my bf/husband more and respond kindly and enthusiastically when they're looking for respect and appreciation.

i should keep this in mind, esp when i'm feeling depressed or upset and angry, and not be so mean and sharp or destructive to my bf next time.

we just celebrated our one year anniversary a week ago, i'm renewing my feelings of affection and happiness and love with him. it's quite amazing how honey-mooney i still feel even though it's been a year. wow i think it's really the cycles of kindness and generosity that is keeping this going so well - my bf is great at caring for me and showing me appreciation and kindness, which makes me want to reciprocate and this forms a virtuous circle, as he loves to say.

:D

also, i learnt about a bunch of psychological traps that go on in our everyday lives and in negotiations that we often fall into over my year of master's. but also in a bunch of books and again in the negotiation class i'm taking online on coursera. the professor recommended a checklist that we can pull out and go over regularly to make sure we are not falling into these traps when making decisions, so here it is! hope this will help me remember and help others too!

1. Mythical Fixed Pie Assumption (remember, you can expand the pie and get win-win!)
2. Anchoring (are you anchored to certain numbers? check the facts)
3. Overconfidence (aren't you being too confident? check your assumptions)
4. Framing (reframe it. think from the other person's perspective, what does he want?)
5. Availability (aren't you clamping on the first thing that comes to mind? question it)
6. Escalation (avoid the competition threat and publicity. it's all psychology. think objectively)
7. Reciprocation (are you reciprocating because they are doing good to you?)
8. Contrast Principle (it's all about comparison and contrast. does this look good only because you are comparing it to something much worse?)
9. Big-Picture Perspective: Don’t get lost in the details (oh yes the gorilla test. see the big picture man https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IGQmdoK_ZfY)

especially useful in helping us reframe problems and also to get what we want in negotiations. kokoko. 

loving every bit-of-news

the moment i realised i loved bit-of-news, was when i suddenly stopped receiving it. at first i thought they had a glitch (like they did once before), so i just waited for the next day to get the bit-of-news. but nope, still no news. i really was frustrated and started googling and looking for the website and stuff, and i realised there weren't any problems. it's just me, how come?

and i realised i must really like bit-of news, if not i wouldn't be able to constantly checking for it and finding ways to get my next bit of news.

i wanted to sign up for it again to see if there were problems with the previous one, but i didn't want to receive duplicate emails...until i noticed the .edu standard signup. then i realised i must have signed up for it under my berkeley/stanford email. so i checked. and lo and behold! i signed up for it with my stanford email, which means they have finally cut me off of the stanford email as of 10/15, which was why i stopped receiving bit-of-news.

wow. with that one bit-of-news thing, i discovered two useful pieces of info:
1. i love bit-of-news.
2. stanford emails won't forward to me anymore!

why i love bit-of-news? it's a great concept for ppl like me who hate trawling through long newspapers (and getting hands dirty), and hate trawling through endless internet news that are half junk half politics. i would rather get interesting snack-bites that are things i would never find otherwise, but were just curated there for me!

they're great for posting to facebook and upping my klout score too koko :D

maximizer vs satisficer

http://online.wsj.com/articles/how-you-make-decisions-says-a-lot-about-how-happy-you-are-1412614997

I read the above article, and was struck by how seemingly schizo i might be - i am quite a maximizer when it comes to some decisions, but i am such a satisficer in others! I'm a perfectionist only in some area, and in others i'm just too lazy to scout out all the options, and just settle for whatever works. it's so odd!

Here are my scores:

1. 4             
2. 7             
3. 6             
4. 3             
5. 2             
6. 4             
7. 6             
8. 5             
9. 1             
10. 2             
11. 3             
12. 2             
13. 2             

giving a total of 47 out of 91 (13 * 7 for total score). oh i'm in the middle after all!

Seems like for the first 7 decisions I am a high maximizer, while for the important decisions I am quite a satisficer. i guess for things with low cost and time needed to evaluate my options i just do it (e.g. switching radio channels and tv channels, shopping), but for things that are important i would rather go with something i'd be happy with and not worry so much about getting the absolute best option. there would be too much to think about and ponder through, especially since i don't know that much about my options in this area! it's a lot to do with my self-confidence and what i perceive of myself...i don't think i'm in the position to find much better options for myself hmm.

argh. i think solomon is qiute a maximizer in the options that matter like jobs and careers (and movies!!), but a satisficer with things like tv or radio or shopping. yeah movies are important for him so he really follows rottentomatoes. and jobs are important, so he might go for the maximimzer option always, but maybe he'll end up unhappy? hmm we're quite the opposite aren't we? i guess that's good as you want opposites in a couple, so we can balance each other out haha.

live each day as if it was your last

i've finally started work, and has since received my first paycheck! i'm on the 5th week of work now, and i'm slowly getting used to the rhythm of it. i still feel like there's a lot more to learn though.

i just came across steve jobs' commencement speech at stanford in 2005 today, and i was truly impressed by it. You can check it out here.

His 3 main points:
- do what you love, because you cannot connect the dots looking forward. you can only connect the dots looking back, so just do what your heart says.
- do what you love, so no matter how badly you fail, you can still pick yourself back up and bounce back. if you love what you do, you will never fear failure, because there is no real failure
- do what you love, for death is always soon. "live each day as if it was your last, for someday you will be right". ask yourself if you want to live today the way you are going to, and if not, change something. so true! i can't tell if my work is what i want to be doing now, but it's not a definite no either. i know for sure i want to spend time with solomon all day, so maybe that's something i should be working towards? work can also become something i love?

i love interacting with people and helping others out and working in teams though, so i kindof like what i have so far. and earning money is not bad too :D living in hotels and taking flights is not bad, but it's not the lifestyle i would choose exactly. i feel pretty lonely and wish i could be at home sometimes, wish i could be with family and friends, or with my love. hmm.

i shall look on the bright side and gain as many miles and points as possible while working hard. so i'm working towards a future with the people i love, so i can share these miles/benefits with the people i love. muah. i love you. :D go get them!

first day at work

my first day of work! so excited, but so tired omg. still jetlaggy from ca time, so having to wake early at 7+ = 4+ ca time, didn't make it better for me. i feel awfully tired now, but still oddly pumped.

got my first business card, got to meet other new ppl. went through an entire day of training, ok, a bit boring but useful, esp when i start projects next week, i'll need to refer back.

another day of training tmr and i'll find out where i'm posted for the next week. possibly could be posted to a denver client, will look forward to finding out!

i write like cory doctorow

I write like
Cory Doctorow

I Write Like. Analyze your writing!

have no idea who cory doctorow is, but turns out he's a blogger, sci-fi author and stuff. maybe he's the only guy who writes like without proper sentences or capital letters etc in his blogs, that's why i got this result. repeatedly.

cool.

how to raise nice kids!

http://www.washingtonpost.com/news/parenting/wp/2014/07/18/are-you-raising-nice-kids-a-harvard-psychologist-gives-5-ways-to-raise-them-to-be-kind/

1. Make caring for others a priority

Why? Parents tend to prioritize their children’s happiness and achievements over their children’s concern for others. But children need to learn to balance their needs with the needs of others, whether it’s passing the ball to a teammate or deciding to stand up for friend who is being bullied.
How? Children need to hear from parents that caring for others is a top priority. A big part of that is holding children to high ethical expectations, such as honoring their commitments, even if it makes them unhappy. For example, before kids quit a sports team, band, or a friendship, we should ask them to consider their obligations to the group or the friend and encourage them to work out problems before quitting.
Try this
• Instead of saying to your kids: “The most important thing is that you’re happy,” say “The most important thing is that you’re kind.”
• Make sure that your older children always address others respectfully, even when they’re tired, distracted, or angry.
• Emphasize caring when you interact with other key adults in your children’s lives. For example, ask teachers whether your children are good community members at school.

2. Provide opportunities for children to practice caring and gratitude
Why? It’s never too late to become a good person, but it won’t happen on its own. Children need to practice caring for others and expressing gratitude for those who care for them and contribute to others’ lives. Studies show that people who are in the habit of expressing gratitude are more likely to be helpful, generous, compassionate, and forgiving—and they’re also more likely to be happy and healthy.
How? Learning to be caring is like learning to play a sport or an instrument. Daily repetition—whether it’s a helping a friend with homework, pitching in around the house, or having a classroom job—make caring second nature and develop and hone youth’s caregiving capacities. Learning gratitude similarly involves regularly practicing it.
Try this
• Don’t reward your child for every act of helpfulness, such as clearing the dinner table. We should expect our kids to help around the house, with siblings, and with neighbors and only reward uncommon acts of kindness.
• Talk to your child about caring and uncaring acts they see on television and about acts of justice and injustice they might witness or hear about in the news.
• Make gratitude a daily ritual at dinnertime, bedtime, in the car, or on the subway. Express thanks for those who contribute to us and others in large and small ways.

3. Expand your child’s circle of concern.
Why? Almost all children care about a small circle of their families and friends. Our challenge is help our children learn to care about someone outside that circle, such as the new kid in class, someone who doesn’t speak their language, the school custodian, or someone who lives in a distant country.
How? Children need to learn to zoom in, by listening closely and attending to those in their immediate circle, and to zoom out, by taking in the big picture and considering the many perspectives of the people they interact with daily, including those who are vulnerable. They also need to consider how their
decisions, such as quitting a sports team or a band, can ripple out and harm various members of their communities. Especially in our more global world, children need to develop concern for people who live in very different cultures and communities than their own.
Try this
• Make sure your children are friendly and grateful with all the people in their daily lives, such as a bus driver or a waitress.
• Encourage children to care for those who are vulnerable. Give children some simple ideas for stepping into the “caring and courage zone,” like comforting a classmate who was teased.
• Use a newspaper or TV story to encourage your child to think about hardships faced by children in another country.

4. Be a strong moral role model and mentor.
Why? Children learn ethical values by watching the actions of adults they respect. They also learn values by thinking through ethical dilemmas with adults, e.g. “Should I invite a new neighbor to my birthday party when my best friend doesn’t like her?”
How? Being a moral role model and mentor means that we need to practice honesty, fairness, and caring ourselves. But it doesn’t mean being perfect all the time. For our children to respect and trust us, we need to acknowledge our mistakes and flaws. We also need to respect children’s thinking and listen
to their perspectives, demonstrating to them how we want them to engage others.
Try this:
• Model caring for others by doing community service at least once a month. Even better, do this service with your child.
• Give your child an ethical dilemma at dinner or ask your child about dilemmas they’ve faced.

5. Guide children in managing destructive feelings
Why? Often the ability to care for others is overwhelmed by anger, shame, envy, or other negative feelings.
How? We need to teach children that all feelings are okay, but some ways of dealing with them are not helpful. Children need our help learning to cope with these feelings in productive ways.
Try this
Here’s a simple way to teach your kids to calm down: ask your child to stop, take a deep breath through the nose and exhale through the mouth, and count to five. Practice when your child is calm. Then, when you see her getting upset, remind her about the steps and do them with her. After a while she’ll start to do it on her own so that she can express her feelings in a helpful and appropriate way.

interesting happenings on europe trip

7/5 - berlin

1. carried 18+ kg of luggage and 4+kg of bag up to 6th floor. omg. did it again today, arms and legs aching. lots of exercise indeed

2. did a "chocolate tour" haha. went to rittersport and fassbender & rausch. much chocolate omg, it's like eating chocolate or drinking hot chocolate everyday...good thing we got stair exercise then haha.

7/6 - berlin

1. went on the city walking tour. brandenburg gate - recognize it from your photo. saw memorial of murdered jews. really good, really much thoughts. make me feel sad and like it could had been any one of us, and how would i have reacted if i were one of the non-jews. would i have turned a blind eye or actually risk my life helping those jews? i think i would turn a blind eye…. sigh.

2. went to altes museum, looked at greek and roman stuff. more naked bodies. more lusty things. found out actually in roman culture they did have "phallus cults", where they kind of worship or place the phallus first. big, and exaggerated. same as in early modern japan shunga! also same thing about man and boy relations, no man-man relations!

3. tried berlin beer for the first time. the one with the green woodruff syrup, not even just the raspberry hoho. did you try it before? it's actually interesting, very sweet and hardly any taste of beer, but i definitely got some alcohol rush. face red/ears red etc. definitely. tasted kind of like soda/sweet drinks, interesting.

4. went to schloss charlottenburg. not as nice as versailles palace, but quite interesting. the queen sophie charlotte was really into porcelain and eastern art and culture, everywhere i see chinese and japanese influence, even javanese. never knew they did trading so early on (1800s). again the garden was french influenced, with some english style now. it's kind of funny how french gardens are imported to germany lol. 

5. same as french and german cathedrals.

6. so hot omg, sweating all the time

7. saw couples, korean, german. missed you a lot.

7/9 - lucerne, switzerland

1. on the way to lucerne, met malaysian family. asked them if they were singaporeans. also heard some singaporeans in lucerne, and oh so many chinese/taiwanese. i think lucerne much more popular asian destination than zurich…

2. went to mount pilatus via the silver round trip route: take a train to alpnachstad, a cogwheel railway up to pilatus - it's the steepest cogwheel railway in the world with a gradient of 48%! lots of nice views on the railway

3. did some hikes up there, but it was so freaking cold and windy and foggy because of the rain :/ and cold. wait a few minutes then the clouds/fog disperse because of strong winds and you see the view emerge. really learn to appreciate the view because it was so hard to come by and you suffer the bitter cold and winds T.T a pity about the weather though. would have wanted to do more hiking but it's ok, the view would be the same after all the effort >.> talked to some chinese briefly at lunch (to help them out with ordering) and when climbing some hiking thing to ask if there was a view. there were quite a few kids i interacted with/observed today, very cute

4. took the cable car down, more photos. really beautiful. the cows have cowbells around their neck, quite nice

5. then bus back to lucerne. walked around, quite beautiful and quaint but rain rain rain :( saw a dying lion memorial, quite sad because it's to remember the 700+ swiss mercenaries who died in vain, because the king louis retreated to safety but didn't tell them lol. 

6. walked castle towers and walls. saw lots of koreans and chinese. more like a protective castle wall to protect the town than a castle per se, but it's cool. now i know how difficult it really is to attack such a protected town and scale the wall. it's really really tall, they have uphill advantage and can shoot you to death easily. omg.

7. had cheese fondue and rosti today. truly swiss i am :) reminds me of melting pot, we should try next time.

rantish mood?

i feel uneasy. unhappy. helpless to do anything about it because i can't figure out why.

am i jealous? or just unhappy? or moody? or it's just lack of sleep? i wish for things i can't have, maybe that's why.

i hate being unhappy and moody like this, especially when i don't know why, so i can't go about solving it. so irritated. sigh.

maybe i should have raised it, but what to say? when i myself have no idea what's really wrong? i hear something and i make assumptions and i see it in a totally different way from him. i understand what he sees, but only to a small extent. i cannot make any further assumptions with further knowledge, but i don't know how far to probe or ask. and so i'm stuck. back to square one. can't say for sure why we see things differently in this case, or how to communicate that unhappiness.

argh.

i do like travelling alone, but it gets lonely and inconvenient at times. so what i have now is partially good, where i travel with another friend and we split up when we need to, but otherwise we get company and help from each other. i try my best not to feel guilty about ignoring the friend at times though, because it's tiring to always look out for the other and try my best to keep the other person occupied or entertained. it's tiring. sometimes i just want my own private time to do my own thing and hang around. hmph.

loving cress so far. can't wait to get to the end.

trip to london: day 2

day 2 in london, some interesting things of note:

1. first visited harrod's, apparently a pricey department store. the food hall area is good though, lots of chocolates and truffles and teas and good stuff! bought some pretty good truffles and if they taste good, i'm going to buy more when i get to paris! :D also bought some nice biscuits as a gift for my french friend and his mum.

2. i realise londoners like to use the word "underwhelming". my friend told me that "london bridge is underwhelming", another friend told me that "stone henge is underwhelming". i find that this must be a common word to use among uk singaporeans. i henceforth shall do as uk-ians do and say "underwhelming" more often. london bridge is a little underwhelming indeed.

3. had english afternoon tea for the first time! it was both underwhelming (see how i learnt from 2. there?) and overwhelming at the same time - underwhelming because i had really high expectations of it from what my friend told me, but it turned out to be mostly just cakes and pastries and sandwiches; overwhelming because the amount is A LOT. like too much to finish because it's so sweet and full of calories! but i finished it nonetheless, albeit leaving off some of the creams and stuff. it felt a little like having a buffet...

also got to meet eileen's sis for the first time :D i've heard about how different eileen and her sis looked so i wasn't surprised when i met her, but i was pretty surprised by how similar they were. the way they dressed, the way their eyes looked, and their same shoes and blazer!

4. visited the tate modern for free! i quite like it because there were mainly only 2 big exhibitions to look at, which was on dreams and reality (surrealism) and transformation of vision. it's not too much to see in one or two hours, and there were plenty of seats for people who just wanted to rest. the artworks were also really fun and interesting, unlike the modern art i've seen in some other museums that were WAYY too abstract and simple (cough MOMA cough). i rmb even seeing modern art that was simply one red square and a blue triangle. like i could paint that too!

i loved their interpretation of art - not only were there many paintings and drawings, there were installations and metal pieces, and there were videos. one video installation stood out to me: it was alternating between projections on two walls of a darkened room, one showing a woman acting as a therapist so the audience feels like a psychiatric patient, while the other showing the same woman acting as a psychiatric patient so the audience feels like the therapist. there was also the whole speculative audience and neutral viewer aspect to it, and the acting and the words were very realistic, but made not much sense at the same time. it was just a very impactful and compelling piece because of its creative presentation more so than its content.

which reminds me of O by cirque du soleil, which i just watched in las vegas' bellagio last week. the acrobatics and other performances/feats were good and some of them awesome, but it was not that special or extraordinary. what was truly amazing was the creative presentation and use of the stage! first of all, the stage was a swimming pool, filled with water and there were underground divers waiting to help performers "breathe" underwater, and performers would swim up and down like synchronised swimmers, but also perform acrobatic feats and dives into the water. they used the water very well in their performances, and they even moved the stage up and down so that at times the water was only one or two feet deep (and other performers can hide and emerge from the water suddenly), and at times there was no water but a completely solid stage, and at times it was a deep liquid stage, and at times parts of the stage liquid, parts of the stage solid! really creative and amazing, reminded me much of the concepts i learnt in creativity and innovation class. it essentially embodied challenging of assumptions and doing what people least expect. who said the stage had to be solid? who said you needed it to be all water? who said you can't have fire on water? who said you can't do funny stupid useless dives into the water and inject humor into the show?

5. anw sorry for the side-track. i also watched julius caesar in the shakespeare globe theater today!!!! omg i was so excited bcos i researched on shakespeare and the globe when i was in sec 1, and now i actually got to see it in person, see it for myself, and even watch a shakespeare play! it was totally unexpected, really have to thank my friend for noticing it in my travel guidebook and pointing it out to me!

the play was really good, the experience was irreplaceable and unforgettable. actors would emerge from the middle of the audience and shout as part of the audience, making us feel like we're part of the play. it also tried to simulate as closely as possible the experience of the globe back in shakespearean times, so the seats were the same, and standing pit the same, especially the very rustic and unpolished feel of the stagehands randomly moving props on stage right before and even during the play itself, shooing aside actors who were in the middle of an act. the blood was also pretty real, and the fact that they purposely didn't clean up the blood perfectly felt like it was to replicate the situation in the past too.

there was also no MC or narrator, so when the play went into intermission, my friend and i thought it was over and wanted to go home. fortunately we heard the ushers say we needed tickets to get back in, and why would we need to get back in if the play was over? we went to the restroom, and then went back and decided there were too many ppl around for it to be truly over. then immediately some guy went round ringing a bell, so rustic! so 原始! omg it's so good! luckily we went back and finished the play haha.

the globe was also kindof outdoors but partially sheltered. there was no use of mikes or staging effects, everything was just done as in the olden times and the acoustics of the globe were good enough so we could always hear the actors and music etc. except when the plane/helicopter flew by, which made it a little difficult to hear the actors. bet there were no such things back then.

they also spoke old english-style, but i believe they modified/updated some of the words to adapt to a more modern audience so we could understand the play. i was pretty pleased that i could understand most of it, and even found some parts funny! it's really nice to see how works of literature i used to read as scripts come to life in acting. the tone of voice and acting and staging really changed the meaning of the words! omg so good. highly recommended!

yet another friend got married...weddings wow...

wow today i just found out another of my friends got married (yes she's only 22-23). she was my jc classmate, and even though it's kind of young to be married (by my standards), she has been with her boyfriend since jc days, so that's like 5 years or something. pretty long-lasting.

last week, i also discovered a batchmate got married last year. it was more shocking bcos the guy is american and she's singaporean, and they met via an online dating site. it is rare that things work out via online dating, but even rarer is that the guy was the first one who messaged her on the site (i think?), and they lasted through the LDR! so glad and happy for her that things worked out, and now she's moved to the us to live with him. they got married first just for visa purposea, but the wedding will be held later this year.

with all these weddings going on while i'm away (and not being invited to them because my closest friends are, like me, unlikely to get married anytime soon), i feel a little sad and old. or maybe i feel a little young. are all these girls my age a lot more mature and "older" than me and ready to marry already? why is it i don't feel the same need to settle down just yet? am i the kind who truly believe in independence even in a relationship?

i guess i need to give my relationship more time, but i definitely can see how being in a relationship for a few years will make you believe that there's nothing better than just to live together forever. so marriage is the only ending they foresee, and might as well get married and have kids while you're still young and fertile and healthy!

it's tough, bcos i both want to have a family but also want to see the world out there while i can, while i'm still young and relatively free of responsibilities. i want to learn as much as i can and explore my abilities, stretch myself to my limits and beyond. i want to do so much and see so much, that i just can't imagine tying myself down to responsibility so fast. to me, marriage is not just a simple union between two people, but rather it's a marriage of families, relatives, friends and everyone who you care about and who cares about you. it's a huge commitment and a whole lot of responsibility i'm not quite ready for.

oh well, and they shared this website on wedding planning that i think will be really useful for the future, so i'm going to keep the link here for future reference. it's a little different from the traditional chinese wedding as it's based on american culture, but it's still pretty useful for the western style part.
http://www.buzzfeed.com/peggy/these-diagrams-are-everything-you-need-to-plan-your-wedding

sexting, shame and suicide

ok i read this (pretty long) article on sexting, shame and suicide, and i couldn't tear my mind off of it. even when i went to bed i kept tossing and turning, and didn't fall asleep until at least another hour or two later. it's been a while since something has kept me up like this, and i figured it must be because of my unexpressed feelings of shock, fear, anger and concern all at once. hence i must blog and rant about this.

if you haven't already done so, take a look at the article so you'll have an idea what i'm talking about.

first, i felt so much from audrie's life. she was popular yet she's always feel like she's being bullied. a girl at the age of 15 must be so self-conscious and always wanting recognition and to seem cool in front of her girlfriends and in front of the boys. she must feel like the world is centered on her, focusing on her, and she is always in the spotlight. however, because she got drunk at a party where everyone else got drunk too, and the guys just stripped her and drew all over her body with markers, then took photos AND shared them, it drove her to suicide.

now i know this isn't the only reason she decided to commit suicide, but this was definitely a huge factor. being accused of something supremely shameful and shocking without remembering what actually happened must make things a lot worse for her. the fact that she didn't know exactly what happened would drive her to imagine wildly beyond what reality could be. to her, the issue has blown out of proportion and her reputation was gone without repair and life was over. she could never go to school and face her friends the same way again, she believed that everyone at school had seen her naked photos and if they hadn't, they would at least have heard of it.

worse still, her best friend turned her back on her:

Then Kathy Atabakhsh, one of her best friends, tore into her on the school quad, accusing her of drinking, of forgetting who she was, of becoming a different person. "She had been, literally, the best person you could meet – always honest and trustworthy," Kathy says, recalling the episode almost a year later. "And I was so upset that she had changed. It was hard for her to hear that from a close friend." She remembers the last words she said to Audrie. "You need to come back to reality," Kathy told her.

Kathy was just feeling upset and telling audrie off because she couldn't believe what she was like drunk at the party, but it made audrie feel so hurt and upset that another pillar of her world came crashing down upon her. with the knowledge that i have now, i know that kathy should have been more supportive and sensitive, especially when audrie has been going through so much at that point. instead of telling her off, kathy should have supported her and comforted her, helping her through it but more importantly, show that she is on audrie's side no matter what.

unfortunately, as teenagers we tend to be impulsive and we jump to conclusions. we react so readily, we do not think of consequences of our actions, and we end up making mistakes that we regret.

another thing that i felt so strongly about - how could those boys be so MEAN! omg i knew guys like playing pranks and acting cool, and when they pull off something like this they want to show off and share it with others. they even think it must be the coolest thing ever to be able to push past the privacy boundaries of a popular girl. but seriously. have they thought about the consequences of their actions? not just what would happen to them if they got caught, but more about what would happen to audrie? to her family? to the school's reputation? to audrie's friends?

it is not just childish, it's downright mean and terrible. no matter how much they want to justify it as an misguided but innocent prank, i cannot believe that they have been brought up to think that way. what kind of school culture encourages such things to happen and turn a blind eye to it? what kind of family upbringing must these guys have to think it is ok to violate girls' privacy? what kind of culture is there in that neighborhood that is encouraging such things to happen?!

i thought that in a smart and rich neighborhood like in saratoga, where their families and parents should be well educated, the kids should also have better EQ! in saratoga high school, it seems like the students there are smart people who will grow up to go to good universities. are these boys the kind of people we want to be leading the country in the future? to be our future silicon valley entrepreneurs and engineers? even though they may have good abilities and are outstanding, their ethics and moral values here are severely distorted, and i just cannot believe how these boys have acted so insensitively.

i do understand that for us, even back home in singapore, such things happen and it can happen regardless of education level, culture and even upbringing. i remember being told about a story of a bunch of primary school kids at a boy's place, and the boy told his girl classmate that his bathroom door cannot be locked and showed her how it's spoilt, then when she was using the toilet he and his friend opened the door to check if she really didn't lock the door. that was really mean and i was super shocked, even though they were only primary school kids and didn't really understand how embarrassing and shameful it would be for the girl. it was an active willful act of shaming, and it is plain wrong and they should have been taught so.

back to the article. the crucial value to be taught here is empathy and understanding of the opposite gender. schools have to ensure that children are brought up to think for other people, and to do to others what you want others to do to you. would they want to be "played a prank on" like that? would you?

it is not just the shame of a private event of sexual violation happening here, it was made public with photos and the Internet, and that just makes a traumatic experience magnified and put under the microscope for everyone to scrutinize, discuss, gossip and enjoy as entertainment. it is very unfair to the victim, and it really reflects badly on the people who have contributed to this. this is not just the boys, but also everyone at the party, even kathy who left her at the party and all the people who saw the photos and didn't want to call out the boys on it or to give support to audrie.

i think the girls who heard about it or saw it would have felt sympathetic and sorry for audrie, but they wouldn't say so because they would get dragged down along with her. they were just too relieved that it wasn't them, and maybe they even thought audrie deserved it. there would be some who simply hated her and wanted her to suffer, and maybe even rejoiced in the fact that retribution has its own ways.

still, this is no justification to accept such an atrocity. if i have my own kids, i have to make sure to instill in them such values that not only we should learn to respect people of the opposite gender and their bodies and their private space, but also to always judge our actions and consequences based on whether we would want the same thing to be done to us. school education should always teach about gender differences and how to deal with kids of different sexuality, and especially on their bodies and what is appropriate and what is not.

lastly, we should also educate our children that suicide is not the only way out. even when something so horrifying and terrible happens, they must understand that they are empowered and they can take back control by reporting those kids, or at least telling their parents about it. there is always counseling help, or she could have moved to another school. the important thing here is that she should have sought help before giving up on herself and her life, because this just leaves unanswered questions and many "what-if"s.

the mexican drug lord lifestyle, jokes and scary thoughts

a couple of interesting articles i read today:

1. came across this today, and it is so interesting it blows my mind. so i had to blogpost this so i will remember it forever more.

This article here shows the photos of what was found in a mexican drug lord's house, and it's amazing. it's like right out of a movie. a white tiger seriously?

and i wonder if the hot tub in a cave was natural or man-made haha...

2. I also found 20 jokes that apparently only intellectuals understand. consider i understand almost all of them, i guess i'm one of them :D

3. regarding the malaysian airlines disappearance, it is kind of creepy. this article highlights six important facts they don't tell you about the airplane, and the conclusion is that either the airplane vanished or the debris is just not yet found (it's outside of the search area).

if the debris isn't found, it is a lot more chilling and terrifying considering it could be some kind of advanced technology that can "pluck airplanes out of the sky without leaving behind even a shred of evidence."

If there does exist a weapon with such capabilities, whoever controls it already has the ability to dominate all of Earth's nations with a fearsome military weapon of unimaginable power. That thought is a lot more scary than the idea of an aircraft suffering a fatal mechanical failure.

that is sure scary.

interesting articles

came across this. didn't know myspace is still alive and kicking lol! and i'm jealous! i'd love to be jennifer lawrence's date too!

so this is how it's like at the oscars/in hollywood/entertainment industry!
https://myspace.com/discover/editorial/2014/3/4/feature-i-went-to-the-oscars-with-my-best-friend-and-then-i-went-viral 

i also love viddsee videos, they are so insightful and quirky, and best of all, they are all based in asia! lots of singapore/malaysian videos, and really reminds me of  home :)

there's one about an autistic guy that i found really touching, and i'll always remember it:
http://www.viddsee.com/video/guang/nmo7y

thoughts go out to my friend kylie

Reading this article about my fellow friend Kylie, I was stunned. http://www.dailycal.org/2014/03/03/love-thy-sister/

How could this be happening in the most liberal campus I know of, at UC Berkeley in the heart of political freedom and LGBTQ communities? I never knew all that she was undergoing, and if only I knew how to help back then.

I admit that I was surprised when I first saw Kylie bringing her girlfriend to a dinner gathering among singaporeans sometime 1 or 2 years back, but it passed over really quickly. I was happy for her and while it came as a surprise, it affected me a lot less than I thought. Kylie was still who she was, and I had no real reason to judge her for her choices.

Interestingly, I never knew how LGBT christians reconciled their faith and their sexual orientation, and now I guess I have a better idea about it. It's definitely a touchy topic, and it's difficult for both the national board and the Berkeley chapter, as well as for the couple themselves.

How can you weigh what is right or wrong?

monologue

i highly recommend this book Difficult Conversations. It's changing my life so much now, and i'm learning much more about myself and how i interact with others. it's especially pertinent when you have to deal with unexpected things and issues you never thought you'd care so much about. when you have to deal with people. when you have to negotiate salaries, resolve disputes, resolving difficult internal issues you have with yourself. 

here goes a lengthy monologue. ignore if you're bored, but they are some issues i've been questioning about and by typing it up, it's making things clearer for myself. they're pretty private too, so i'm hoping only my target guy will be reading this...

about the crying, i didn't realize how i was making you feel everytime i cry. i never asked you, because when i cry i'm being self-absorbed and i can't hear anything anyone says unless it is filtered to my own pre-conceptions. when i cry i think i'm a loser and i'm hopeless and helpless and i've made mistakes and you've made mistakes and i hate everyone and everything in the world. if you scold me more, it reinforces my ideas and i cry more in self-pity, but if you compliment me and say it's ok i cry more because i think it's not true and you are just thinking i'm that wonderful good person. so there's no real solution to my crying because my brain filters everything out according to what i believe.

i need to recognize that a lot of things are out of my control and it's ok for me to be unhappy or upset, but i should learn to see the other side of the conversation. i should learn to see how i'm making you feel, how you feel devastated and how you feel helpless that you can't stop my crying and seems like no matter what you do, it just makes me feel worse. you feel like it's your fault for making me cry, and i reinforce that because i don't want to admit to myself i'm a crybaby, that i cry all the time for seemingly inane and useless reasons.

yesterday, when you finally burst and told me you hate it too, you feel devastated each time i cry, something changed in me. you broke through my insulated bubble and reached me. for the first time, i truly heard you. i think the only times i listen to you more carefully is when you tell me you have problems too, that you are upset too. i absorb it all like a drowning person reaching for air, because i need it to anchor myself. because you are feeling what i'm feeling and i can best empathize when you are in a similar state of mind as me. and you seem to be living well and you aren't crying or anything, and it gives me new motivation and a new focus. to draw attention away from me, myself and i, and instead to focus on a new problem, a new person. that's what anchors me to life and sanity. to happiness.

now i have a new motivation to not want to cry. other than my identity issues which are encouraging me to stop crying because i don't want to be a crybaby, i don't want to be a bad person who makes others feel bad, i don't want to be a bad girlfriend, i don't want to be an immature girl who only knows how to cry to solve problems. i don't want to look ignorant and stupid, i don't want to look incompetent and all i can do is cry and wait for you to help me. but when i cry, i am giving you the lifeline to pull me up. i am also trying to warn you against recreating similar scenarios (ie. avoid the contributions that lead to my crying), but it isn't obvious and it isn't the right way to do this. now my new motivation shall be for you, for our relationship. i will try my best to communicate how helpless i feel,  how terrible this seems to me, how it is impacting how i see myself and my identity. i will do my best to tell you everything.

i need to learn that it is ok to make mistakes, it is ok to cry even if i think that is a horrible mistake and should never have been a feature of human race, even if i hate it and how it screws up my eyes and my emotions and gets me all puffy and riled up. crying is a form of release, and i must learn to let go instead of dwelling more on it and forcing solutions immediately. everything takes time, and crying is only one way. i need to focus more on the other ways to slowly change myself and others and the ways i go about doing things so i can feel better about it. so that you can feel better about it.

happy valentine's day! :)

Ahh...it's the first valentine's day i've ever celebrated, what a memorable day indeed! so happy :D

I prepared a small card with an origami heart, made nama dark chocolates (first time making it, and i forgot the rum T.T), and presented a really terrible rendition of "drowning" by backstreet boys on guitar. seriously, it would have sounded better if i simply used instrumentals and sung instead, but i guessed it's a lot more meaningful if i tried hard to learn this relatively new instrument and played a song on it while singing. he liked it though, so all is well and good :)

on the other hand, i received hand-made tiramisu, prepared lovingly over 6 hours (which includes 1.5hours of non-stop mixing because he lacked a whisk), and a delicious home-cooked dinner! he also gave me a necklace of seratonin, which is the hormone that promotes joy, so he claims it's my name in molecular terms. quite cool, and now i shall wear it everywhere and all the time! :D

i love the box it came in though, it's so pretty and is my favorite shades of pink and purple, and it says "made with love". so happy-making! ^^

Photo of the seratonin necklace with the box

i realize it's not what we give each other that matters, but rather the effort and thought that went into it. i really much preferred these gifts to a typical flowers and dinner thing because they don't last (though those would be nice too). the fat that the tiramisu is piling on me does last though xD

ahh life is good, and i can't wait to see what surprise he springs on me next! ^^

p.s. came across this article online, and was really inspired by the vows. those are things i'm seeing right now with him, so i'd love to keep it up. if i lose my way in the future, it's something great i can refer to.
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/samantha-joel/ten-wedding-vows-based-on_b_4762318.html