Never needed a vacation so badly...

I need a break.  
Like a real vacation that doesn't have me cooking, cleaning and doing laundry everyday ~ just in a new location.  I want a REAL veg-out and be waited on vacation.  

December ~ lost Lance's father unexpectedly
April 22nd ~ discovered that one of our children has a severe mental disorder.  (this has been ongoing since that moment forward)
May ~ We fired our property management company that was tending (bare bones) to our Texas property.  Now we are officially LONG-distance landlords.  The moment we fired the company our leaser calls with repair needs (big ones $$$$), of course.
May 30th ~ We officially notified that the little mister we have been waiting on for over a year and a half is going to a family placement ~ there are other details but I can't share them.  Just know that we wanted him since notified (he was nine days old) and they said NO three times and then decided to take him after all.  CRUSHING!
Only an hour and a half later my niece was being life flighted to Portland due to heart failure.  I made several trips helping logistics.  
June 13th ~ My niece passed away... 
June 18th ~ we buried her... and the days between the 13th and 18th were spent organizing her funeral.  I should have been doing her WEDDING (one day) not her funeral.  Flowers ordered, balloons ordered, memory box made, vinyl projects completed... and so much more.  I was lost in busy-ville.  BUT, projects and the funeral are over and I am feeling the full weight of my sadness now.   
I need a break.  No more tragedy please!
I need time to mourn the loss of family, the loss of growing our family, the loss of the life we had dreamed for our child.  

Time!

But, I don't have that luxury of getting to stop and mourn.
I still have a house full of children (that I adore and WANT to serve) that need to be fed, cleaned and have laundry.  
I still have a calling to stay on top of and do (multiple days a week).
I still have a husband that needs me to support his calling and tend to the house/yard chores.
I still have three ladies/families that I visit teach that need help in their own lives.
I still have extended family members that need me.... 

Yet, I KNOW that I need a break ~ before I BREAK!

It's a Mimi!!! ~ Eternal Perspective

So much to type and totally numb.

Tiana

12-23-03 to 6-13-14

My beautiful niece left this world yesterday morning.

Ten-years old.  A baby.

Unexpectedly.

She is known at our home as, Mimi.  

She is like another child to us. 

She is only three months older than my Tank and I babysat her 

from babyhood until she went to school... 

She came over and stayed so often, she has her own "bed" and pillow.

Every time she came over to stay, she would leave something behind and yesterday we found a hair clip that she had left behind from her last visit.

This girl is amazing!

She is strong, brave and went through more than many adults will EVER have to endure and she did it sporting her million-dollar smile.

I am holding onto my faith and knowledge of the plan.... but man, this sucks!

She should be here celebrating the end of school and gearing up for endless camping trips.

She should be here graduating, dating, picking out a college to go to, finding a true love and getting married.  She should be a momma and then a grandma...

But this sweet angel girl has moved on with her mission.

I miss her so very much.

I went shopping today because life doesn't stop, even for a broken heart.

I walked into the store and tears just started flowing...

I didn't even try to hide it.

I feel broken.

It shows.

I looked into fellow shoppers eyes (maybe for the first time) and saw so many that had pain behind their eyes as well.

We need to be so gentle to people we have cross our path...

you never know what they are enduring...

Step 130: Dangling the Carrot ~ again.

Last Tuesday, a call.
Appointment the next morning at 9am.
More paperwork.  (what's new?)
Fingerprint appointment... again!
And now...
WAIT!

The baby boy they called us about last December is finally being moved into a more permanent home.  The caseworker came to meet Lance and I and talk about whether or not we understood "legal risk."
 Ummm, yes.  This isn't our first rodeo. 

Now, again... we wait.  He is almost sixteen months old now.  The current foster mom has wanted him moved to a more permanent home since he was four months old.  We have wanted him since we heard about him at nine DAYS old.  The system sucks.  They can't / won't move him unless it is necessary.  *sigh*  Now instead of transitioning an infant we will get to transition a toddler, again.  Toddler transitions are NOT easy on the toddler, the old foster home or the new home.  When we transitioned Tiny-T, she was seriously depressed.  I'm praying this transition goes smoothly and that it happens SOONER rather than any later.

It was exciting to find out that they were still considering us as a permanent placement... we bought a crib that night.  I went shopping for bedding and other things.  (I've shopped before.... returning everything was hard.)  I'm praying I don't have to do the mass return thing again.  Let this finally happen, please!  

We'll keep y'all updated.  Hopefully Mr. J will be here soon.  
Yep, they dangled the carrot again and we are once again chasing it...

Step: 129 Ummmmm, what?

I have allergy deafness.
I can't hear.
It's been three weeks... 

My husband and children know they have to have my attention and talk loud and clear...
Well, they don't need to talk loud... just mouth the words clearly so that I can read their lips.
But the public doesn't know that, so I am constantly saying, "Ummmm, what?"  I then have to explain my problem and then stare at their mouths while they slowly talk to me.  
Church has been, fun?!?!  
A lot of mumbling at the pulpit, great organ music ~ which I can hear but no singing, and then 2 more hours of almost complete silence.  
It is eerie to sit there and see mouths moving and hear nothing.

So what is allergy deafness?  Well, some people get allergies and they are super congested and their nose runs.  Or they have a itchy nose and throat.  I go deaf.  My ears swell shut and I can hear myself really well but the rest of the world grows silent.

It first began when I moved to Texas.  Ever since then when the blossoms start to bloom ~ I go deaf for a while.  My allergy meds haven't touched this.  So I am now taking a beefed up prescription medicine so that my hearing may be restored.
I also have hives that popped out on my arms and they are slow to leave as well.  
Ugh, I'm falling apart!  Getting old(ER) sucks!  

Ummmmmm, what?!?

 

Step 128: Now what?

We have been enjoying a couple of 'warm' (60s in March for Oregon is warm) days and all this sun is beyond wonderful!  I've been trying to figure out what to do with myself.

My crew are at school all day and it doesn't look like the wee man will be joining our family after all.  So I guess we are "done".  Now what?  I guess Tiny-T will be our 'baby'.  I always planned on having ten kids... I wanted a basketball team!  I got a 'four-square game' instead.  But, now what?  

I thought by now our Texas home would have sold and we would be trying to figure out where our forever home would be.  We are still in a rental.  Now we must figure out whether we are going to renew another year with our leasers (I vote NO!), sell it, or get new renters.  *sigh*  Have I mentioned how cruddy it is to be a long-distance landlord ~ it really stinks!  So, now what?  

I am a strong advocate of "Growing Where You are Planted".  We have been serving in callings and letting our crew grow and develop new talents... yet I still feel STUCK.  I find myself saying (to myself), IF I were in MY OWN home I would....  Ugh, I don't want to be in limbo any longer.  So I am pressing forward.  I need to LIVE NOW!  I need to figure out what I am going to do with my days and develop and grow NOW and not wait for the ideal scenario and ideal location.  

Now, I need to figure out WHAT my 'growing' will look like.  
Here I go.... 
 

Baby Showers...

I hate them.
I hate listening to all the ladies share their "horror" stories of giving birth and even the stories of feeling them kick inside... I just hate them all.
I hate sitting in the room trying to blend into the wall so that I don't have to 'add' anything to the conversations.  The one or two times I have spoke up and said something... something generic... I have been met with, "How would YOU know?  You've NEVER given birth!  You had kids the SMART way, adoption!"  
I have avoided baby showers for a while now.  I'm quite good at it.  The people just need/want a gift, right?  So I deliver the gift and my obligation is done.  But, I went today.  I went to support a new momma who is my daughter's primary teacher.  I walked in the room and laid my gift at the overflowing gift table and found a seat in the back of the room, in the corner.  I tried to blend into the wall.  I spoke to the few who noticed me.  I'm okay with that.  The focus should be on the new momma and her beautiful baby.  I was approached by a friend.  She asked how I was and how my family is doing... pleasantries... THEN she said it.  "You are so lucky to have 'instant kids'."  I smile.  Kinda laugh it off... and then I am fighting back the tears.  
I don't feel LUCKY at all.  You all are the LUCKY ones.  You and your husband conceive a baby and get to experience hearing the heartbeat, watching them float around during your ultrasound, feel them kick and wiggle inside of you, crave steak and oranges or pickles and ham, and yes... even have morning sickness.  You get to experience baby showers (before and/after the birth), dinners brought in your for family, and you get to give birth to your DNA connected child and know that they are coming home with you.  You won't have a caseworker coming in and out of your home for the next year and a half (+) and being told on a monthly basis that there is always a chance this little person will not be staying in your home.  You don't have to explain to everyone why this baby/child suddenly appeared in your family.  People asking about your children's REAL mom.  
I am not smart, I am not lucky, I am a barren woman.  I am a woman who was blessed to grow our family through the miracle of adoption in our state's foster system.  I didn't get picked by birth parents.  I didn't get to hold them the day they were born... in fact, I didn't get to hold them until they were 6 months old, 2 years old and eighteen-months old.  I didn't get to see their first smiles.  I didn't get to see my girls crawl or stumble around in their first steps.  I didn't get to cut their hair for the first time.  I didn't get to hear their first words.  Yet, even missing all those firsts... I am now their mother.  We have closed adoptions... the birth parents choose not to be a part of my children's lives.  One set of parents were teenagers when they said, Goodbye to Fan-C.  The other parents live a rough and dangerous life.  We had to move to keep our crew safe.  
 Hold your babies and know that YOU are the lucky one.  You were blessed to have your wee ones from the get go.  You are so blessed to share all their firsts with them... 
I am excited to hear that you are expecting, again.  
Just please understand that I won't be attending your baby shower... 

Okay, I'm ready to get off this ride...

We are still in the 'hurry-up-and-wait' mode on the new wee man.  He is almost fourteen months old now.  I can't believe we have been trying to have him placed since he was nine days old.  NINE DAYS OLD!!!  The red-tape and bureaucracy of the state adoption system is beyond extensive and ridiculous.  They ask for families to step up and foster and/or adopt and then they make it so incredibly hard that very few families actually make it to the 'end'.  So we trudge on... we continue to wait.

Lance's father passed away December 2, 2013.  It was unexpected, yet peacefully.  He said his evening prayers with Mom and they gave each other their goodnight kiss.  Mom got up to go use the bathroom and while gone she heard a strange sound from the bedroom and called out to Dad.  He never answered.  She came out to him and tried to "wake him up"... he was already gone.  The doctors said his heart simply stopped.  It was done doing it's job.  Our entire family (Lance's brothers) traveled to Texas to rally around Mom and lay Dad to rest.  My crew have never experienced death of someone close to them.  They were mourning their grandpa but so enjoyed spending nine days with cousins that they get to only see at Sunriver every year.  It was a horrible reason to see family, but so wonderful to see them.  
As I was driving up to the airport, a song jumped into my mind.  I started singing it... my kids and Lance were all sleeping.  Lance hadn't slept since the phone call the night before.  "O My Father"... I knew that Dad wanted me to sing that at his funeral.  Mom approached me the next morning and asked me to sing.  THAT was HARD!  I wanted to do the song justice but didn't know if my emotions would allow me to sing.  I practiced at the church with the sister who would accompany me and I did okay... even with Lance bawling in the audience.  BUT, the day of... wow!  I was regretting committing to do it.  I was a bundle of nerves.  I was so emotional.  I was drained from supporting Lance and my children (each melted down at different times and I was being the rock for all of them).  I uttered a few fervent prayers and did it.  I felt strong, my voice held out true and it was beautiful.  I am so grateful that I could honor Dad's memory using my talent.  He is sorely missed and we love him "heaps".   

Our leasers have now informed us that due to credit issues they will not be able to purchase our home after all.  They are still renting the home... for now.  We have no clue when/if they will be moving out.  We are trying to figure out a plan... sell it (at a loss), continue to rent it to Shannons or another family OR return to Texas and live in it ourselves.  I know, craziness.  Lance is really feeling pulled to return.  He wants to be near his mom and help at the family farm.  Our crew's education in Texas was legions ahead of the curriculum that Oregon has to offer.  Me?  Well, I want to be where Heavenly Father needs us to be.  I had no choice about moving before... we were forced to Vegas and then on to Dallas.  No vote, just told.  If we were to return to Texas it would be our choice.  I want my family to be happy.  I want to serve wherever we are supposed to be.  We have made it a matter of fasting and prayer and we feel confident that the Lord will provide a way for us no matter where we are to be.  

Crazy roller coaster eh?  We are praying that some things will come to a resolution soon... the new wee man and where we are to live.  I really dislike limbo-land... I'm ready to get off this ride now... thanks.