Step 103: 20 years... 20 YEARS!?!?

Thurston High School

June 1991

My graduation day!!!!

HOLY SMOKES!!!! Where the flip did twenty years go?!?

I am located on the left hand side... at the top are the boys in black, next row three girls in red robes, next row down is me on the end. Freakishly tall with my cap pinned in my hair so that I didn't have to cover my mile-high bangs.

AGAIN... Where did TWENTY years go?

This summer is my reunion.

I'm not going.

I live in flippin' Texas.

I will have just been in Oregon for my lil sister's wedding and the Stanley family reunion.

My reunion is at the end of July.

If I did live in Oregon...

I probably still would not go.

My senior year...

I went to two classes in the morning and then to work for the rest of the day.

I'm not even pictured once in my senior year annual.

I'm not even listed under the "not pictured" section.

It's as if I didn't even go to THS in 91.

I didn't have any close friends in high school.

I'm curious to see how people changed and what their doing now in their lives but they probably wouldn't even know who I was.

It's just weird to think and look at what has happened in my life in 20 years.

Did I waste all this time?

Have I really done anything?

Just weird... feeling reflective.

Step 102: Last time I checked... I was still HUMAN

I have mixed feelings about posting this 'step'. I should let myself 'cool' off for a few days and then revisit it... but I type on anyway. I am writing this post to state my business NOT for any other purpose. Here we go....

I went to Wal-mart today with my Mr. Lancings and my crew in tow. We had a short list so a few minutes in the Wal-mart will be fine. Being the Saturday before Easter over half the metroplex decided that they too would go to the same Wal-mart I chose. Hmmmm.... I just stuck to my list and patiently went through the aisles I needed and attempted to keep my crew near me at all times.

I am waiting at the end of an aisle ~ people or turning down the baking aisle I'm leaving and others are going both directions in the aisle I will be entering. I'm off to one side, my crew is close and not roaming (for once) when "MABLE" walks by.

(Please note: Mable is my generic name I use for women when I don't know their actual name. I didn't choose this name to offend any or all "Mable's" that may or may not read this post.)

Now Mable is walking with her "husband/boyfriend/best guy friend/whatever", they have their cart and she was scanning aisles trying to determine if she needed that particular aisle or not. I know the look, I do it often. She locks eyes on to me. I'm just standing there waiting my turn to enter the freeway system of Wal-mart and she LUNGES for her "h/bf/bgf/w" and says, "OH.MY.GO(sh). LOOK AT THAT FAT B(@#$%)!" H/BF/BGF/W turns and looks at me while she is going on and on about how disgusting and grotesque I am.

I don't know what happened.

Something snapped.

I mean I felt an actual CLICK...

I turn that cart toward their direction and kicked myself into 4th gear and took off after them. I am barreling down the aisle. (poor Tiny-T was the only obedient child to keep a hold of the cart and she too was flying along with me... sorry Tiny-T) H/BF/BGF/W turns again and notices that this FAT B(@#$%) is coming at them and she is staring them down. Mable has no clue what is happening since she is still filling his ears with all the things I am... He (while looking at me) pulls his cart over and grabs her arm to get her out of the way. SHAME is dripping off his face... she finally stops talking and looks up as I pull up to their cart. I paint on a huge ole SOUTHERN smile and say, "You have a GREAT day!..." While I am saying this she also paints on a smile as big as Texas and is totally about to say, "Thank you..." with that southern drawl all the southern belles seem to have here and I finish my statement quietly under my breath, "b(@#$%)". I turn and storm away.

I SUCK. I KNOW... I'M JUST AS BAD AS SHE IS... Trust me, I've beat myself up after walking away.

I was shaking so bad... I was/am soooo angry.

This is why....

Yes, you are gorgeous.
You are a size four shopping in your daisy dukes and have long flowing blond hair and a gorgeous "h/bf/bgf/w" on your arm.
You have little to no makeup and yet you look like you just walked out of a magazine.
You are young and in the pre-mommy stage of life so everything is where it should be... taught, tight and perky.
You are blessed!
Why can't you just be blessed and move on? Why do you think it is YOUR place to gawk and make fun of me or anyone else for that matter? Why do you NEED to do such things? Do you think that because I am fat that somehow my eyes don't work, my ears don't function and I am STUPID? Like I can't see you and hear everything you are (not whispering) saying.
I pray that you never have to struggle with this trial in your life. I pray that you can give birth and bounce right back to your teenage body. I pray that you don't one day find yourself less than perfect and at the receiving end of comments and treatment that you felt I deserved today. I wish you only the best.

Just... remember this... I am still human. My feelings can still be hurt. My heart can still break. I deserve the same treatment that you receive.

I apologize for calling you what I did.

I pay for my stuff and start heading toward the truck. Tears pouring down my face... my kiddos all get quiet. I turn to them and say, "Heavenly Father didn't say He only loves the pretty and skinny people, did he?" They answer, "No". I then told them (as I have before) that they are to never make fun of another person for any reason.

You all don't need to tell me just how (FILL IN THE BLANK) I am... I KNOW! I have heard it before ~ you don't live looking like I do for close to 38 years without hearing it almost on a daily basis. I KNOW!

I'm still human. I don't expect special treatment... just let me get on my way and get my shopping done.

I don't need looks, sneers, comments, laughs.... oh the laughing. I hate the laughing the most.