Step 47: Guess I better be good next year...

Awoke Christmas morning and found this in my stocking... our traditional Christmas orange.

That's it.

Well, it's better than a lump of coal, eh?!?

I am glad that my children and husband were treated very nicely by Santa...
Guess I better get back on the nice list ~

Step 46: Verdict ~~~~

Had my first and probably ONLY ultrasound this morning. They did the traditional abdominal ultrasound first, where they make you drink a "gallon" of water and hold it in for over an hour so they have a "window" into your uterus. I was gonna bust! Then they did a vaginal ultrasound. Okay, that was weird. But they got all their pictures and the doctor says he can do a complete vaginal hysterectomy!!!! (reserving the right to switch to an abdominal route if needed) I'm gonna keep sending vag-vibes that it will all work out to do it the less aggressive way. Quicker healing and less risk of hernias and stuff.
So I'm sitting in the ultrasound room and they have it all set up for the prospective mothers to look at this big screen and view their growing babies... I just saw fuzz and an empty 'womb'. Nothing. No fibroids, no tumors (these are good points) and no baby. No chance to feel a wee one kick from inside and no chance to pass on my musical talent to offspring. But, it is okay. I know that this is what is supposed to happen right now.

December 28th will be known as my own personal Freedom Day hence forth.

Five days and counting....

Step 45: Freedom!!!!

I am gaining FREEDOM!

Three months (to the day) after my arm surgery, I will be having surgery once again. Sweet set up in that I already paid the deductible for this year so I don't have that expense again. Surgery that is LONG overdue but that I am finally ready to have. The picture up above is what sealed the deal for me. I have been battling infertility (my whole life ~ I just didn't know it) and struggling with having horrible heavy ( I mean HEAVY ) periods. I didn't want to have any procedures done that would make me 'sterile'. I wanted to have children. I am the momma to three cutie-pattooties and the pull for a 'natural' child has subsided. I now KNOW that whether I keep all my 'equipment' or not, a natural child will never be. With this realization comes a STRONG pull to gain my freedom. Freedom from months of endless bleeding and having to pack boxes of tampons to go anywhere. (you read that right ~ boxES ) Not being able to do hydro-fit (water workouts), swim, go to the temple (my nightmare) or even go to a movie. I haven't seen New Moon yet. I KNOW! But, I won't be able to make it through a whole movie without having to go take care of 'business'... so I'm still waiting. This problem affected my mission as well. I had to find a bathroom every hour on the hour. I know every gas station's bathroom in the Hamden, CT area. I would go to teach investigators and have to use their bathroom upon arrival and before leaving too. ( EMBARRASSING ) This problem progressed to a point where I had to return home early to have it medically addressed and that brings us to today.
Prayers are being sent up that I can have the less aggressive form of this surgery. We are praying that my uterus is small/regular size and that it is low enough that I won't have to have an abdominal cut. I'm a horrible healer. The abdominal version could take six to eight weeks to get back on my feet versus one to two weeks vaginally.
I'm not nervous. I'm not mourning the loss of birthing children. (I've already done that.) I'm just seeing a whole new life laying out before me. There is a peace of knowing that medically the equipment will be gone so I will no longer have the moment or two of "hope" that maybe... someday... somehow Lance and I could actually get pregnant. It can't happen now or later. I know that my plan of becoming a mother was not conventional but it was my plan. I'm eternally grateful for a loving Father in Heaven who blessed us with children before I would have to have this done... it really does help. Look at their cute faces... I am blessed.

Only two weeks.... on with my journey to freedom!

Step 44: Being a girl ~ sucks! (sometimes) Entry Rated PG-13

I have HUGE news.....
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we are NOT PREGNANT!!!!

We are just so excited to tell everyone.

(yes, that is sarcasm dripping off the screen)

I know, I'm going to hell. Whatever. I'm sick of opening up people's blogs and reading how the whole world is pregnant right now. Props to all the peeps out there who have the ability to GET pregnant. Kudos to you on your journey of creating your family.

We can not and will never be able to post such an entry.

Now I'm scheduled to have a consultation to get the whole kit and caboodle removed. I'm dealing with 60+ day periods. Yep, you read it correctly. They are not simple spotting a few days of flow and then end with some more spotting. I'm talking my freakin' insides are fallin' out full tilt for over two months at a time. I should OWN Tampax. I go through four (at least) of the HUGE super plus tampon boxes EVERY WEEK!

I am literally tied to a toilet 24/7. Today is my every 15 minutes day ~ where I have to find a bathroom every 15 minutes cuz my insides are going EVERYWHERE!

But, enough of the GROSS stuff. Scheduling the appointment and then reading two more preggers announcements just hit me wrong. I always wanted a HUGE family. I grew up knowing that I would marry and then start having babies. My mother and sisters are VERY fertile and so I never thought I would have issues. But I do. I hate it. I feel blessed to have become a mother through adoption (three times, so far). But, it doesn't take away the sting of knowing that the dream of holding a little bundle with Lance's brown eyes and my obsessive need to organize everything ~ will never be.

Infertility is an ugly beast. I hate it. I hate that it has reared it's ugly head into some of my friend's lives as well. I hate that I go to the doctor's office and they are obsessed with wanting to discuss birth control. Hello? Do you all actually READ your files. I hate that I then have to say, I'm barren! I hate that ignorant people have told me that if I were "righteous" enough that I could expect a miracle from our Heavenly Father and get pregnant. I tell them, I have had that miracle happen in my life. Three times. Not through pregnancy, through adoption.

I feel cheated.

Never felt the excitement of hearing a baby's heartbeat, seeing the first ultrasound, making a creative announcement to our families, baby showers, creating a nursery, being tended to while in a "condition", tiny outfits and a baby blessing gown.

Having meals brought in after the new arrival, having family visit to meet the new addition, staring into a little face that is a part of you and your husband,

having a baby born in the covenant.

Infertility has stolen all of these moments and experiences from me.

Sometimes being a girl, sucks!