as im writing this entry.im having a bad headache.and to update everyone,im flying back on the 2nd.which is just two days away.that is prolly why im having this migraine.when i put my body under stress or emotional strain,i get migraines.i get it when i watch horror movies or when i read russell lee books.total failure i know.haha.



talking abt leaving melb in two days.im feeling rather depressed.the thought of leaving everything and everyone behind is just too taunting.it did not hit me until yesterday night after both my mom and aunt called to confirm it for me.was supposed to fly back on the 9th but changed it to an earlier date.now i regret conplaining abt it to my mom.otherwise she wouldnt have changed the flight.



i really find it hard to accept the fact of everyone going their seperate ways after tmr.its valedictory.i prolly wont see those hi-bye friends.ever.thou i dont even talk to some of them.they have impacted my trinity life one way or another.and its gonna be tough saying my goodbyes to all of them.i might not even see some of tehm the rest of my life.im not kidding.everyone's really gonna leave melb and prolly fly halfway round the world and nv even come back.some would.but those who wont,its gonna be just memories that i'll remember them with.


as for my close friends in melb.its gonna be a real spoiler too.the friendships fostered the past few months have been both strong and real.some i just got to know but i know they'd make good friends if i knew them better.the discovery of good nature in them might carry on next year.but what abt those few that i wont ever see again?this thought is triggered by randy.we were talking about first impressions and he once told me i looked as though i was arrogant.cos i didnt talk to him.then after 2 drama projects together,we got to know each other much better.he's like one of the nicest guys i've ever met.we're not super close but we hit it off after the first drama exam.i will never forget the exchange of thoughts abt life we had.its funny how friendships form only towards the end of the year and just when u are getting more familliar with that person,its time for us to part our ways.thanks for all the words of encouragement and the cds u've burnt for me.



the moment i step into my cab would be the time when tears would fall uncontrollably.watching my dear friends wave, as the driver steps on the accelerator.the ever so familliar silhouettes dimishing slowly.the memories of the past ten months screening in my head.



my migraine is not getting any better.not even after a dose of paracetamol.mebbe i should take another one...

nisha got me interested....

Aquarius Aquarius is ruled by the planet Uranus, a symbol of progress. You have a talent for anticipating future trends, and you adapt well to new technology. Your inventive mind gives you the potential to rise quickly to a position of successful leadership. Changes in behavior and policy generally do not upset you very much, because you are so adaptable. Your flexibility makes it possible for you to accept new requirements and to move forward where others may falter.

Traditionally, Aquarians love dreams and fantasy. Overly pragmatic types may sometimes accuse you of not knowing the difference between fact and fiction, but this is not true. You will be better understood by other creative people and by those who appreciate your inventive sense of humor.

Aquarians make good friends because they rarely judge anyone harshly, and because they are excellent at keeping secrets. You will get along best with people who respect your need for privacy.

time to update whats i've been up to the past few days!
oh well not like people'd be that much interested in knowing.
but its just for me to keep track of even the smallest detail of my last few weeks in melb.of the times i spent with all the trinity friends i've made.

thurs: dinner at boba with jenn,yt ann and leona.think all the stress kept inside us made us high.jenn even knocked her head against the door.



friday: after the EAP paper.i walked out early.and as most of us would know.joanne susen goh,moi,would not leave earlier than most people.no matter whether i've finished my paper or not,i'd wait till the end of the full 3 hrs.but it was EAP.so wth.


sat: studying and more studying at baillieu.extensive maths revision in progress.the nerd trio of trinity.sarah nina and me.


sun: baillieu was the first pit stop of the day.met sam there and we ventured into the mathematical world of gauss-jordan elimination and poisson distribution.hope u get into was it,comm/arts?ya.good luck.(not that she'd read this)



mon:maths paper was rather tedious thou some people might not agree im in denial cos i dont wanna discuss either of the angle qn or the volume one.bleahhh.then went for lunch with nina sarah and gabe at bacio.joined by yt and jenn who ta pao-ed instead.then nina and i were off to baillieu and were joined by siew.after a can of V drink i was still not concentrating.later on went to siew's new place to continue the dreaded m&c.more V drinks later,we finally got down to some memorisation.not without perpetual cursing of ron bell(lecturer) of cos.then came back to arrow and we continued the tedious route into the depths of pop culture and youth.so proud of myself.i've never studied for an exam till later than 1 am.this time,i persevered to 5 am.but i'll sure be regreting studying only the night before.


tues:came outta the exam hall on adrenaline high.started to imitate flynn and laughed non stop abt "bleed bitch bleed" and all(dpnt ask me why).later on,started to regret studying for m&c only the day before.the caffeinated V drink caused me and nina withdrawal symptoms.loss of appetite,migraine,sense of loss and worse of all,hallucination.so i beg all those out there dont take too much of it.its detrimental to health.so i spent the whole of tues resting at home.watching survivor and rove live after a nap.then stoned in front of the com.


wed:went for shanghai dumplings.then shopped.bought a nice slouch bag and a retro top both from dangerfield.spent qt a bit for just two items but well,i studied real hard for m&c.a little reward isnt bad rite?heh.
off to watch the grudge with nina sarah and jeffery.half the time i had my hands in front of my eyes.and the plot sucks.no other comment.

i was super stoned after the paper yesterday.
goth rock and marilyn manson lyrics glamorise death,satanic,suicide obsessed.
eminem's lyrics."bleed bitch bleed"
flynn's rendition of "pushha...ur bodae ur bodae naxt to mine"
for all who dont know.flynn is the william hung of australia.
oh ya...and i nearly forgot."oh that felt good....DAWG!!!"(*winks at nina)



the past few days were spent studying and hanging out with nina,sarah,siew and gabe during lunch.



and did i mention that i agree with sarah that coming out of the exam hall to see the familiar,grinning faces is an absolute joy.its nice to know that there are people out there waiting for u.whether its because of their growling stomaches or toshare their elation towards the end of yet another tedious paper.whichever,i love the feeling.

i am woody.u can be my buzz lightyear.

You've got a friend in me
You've got a friend in me
When the road looks rough ahead
And you're miles and miles from your nice warm bed
You just remember what your old pal said
Boy, you've got a friend in me
Yeah, you've got a friend in me

You've got a friend in me
You've got a friend in me
You got troubles, I got 'em too
There isn't anything I wouldn't do for you
If we stick together we can see it through
'Cause you've got a friend in me
Yeah, you've got a friend in me

some other folks might
Be a little bit smarter than I am
Bigger and stronger too. Maybe
But none of them will ever love you
The way I do
it's me and you, boy

And as the years go by
Our friendship will never die
You're gonna see, it's our destiny
You've got a friend in me
You've got a friend in me
Yeah, you've got a friend in me


randy newman "u've got a friend in me"



my playlist was on shuffle and this song played.i dont even remember having this song in my media player.sometimes i might seem like im oblivious to others problems.im not indifferent.im just clueless as to how im supposed to react.how to make u feel better.i definitely cant make that problem poof and be gone.open ur heart out.i may not be the best friend there can be.but i'll do very darnest best.cos u've got a friend in me.

no more exams!(yeah right)

finally HOI and lit are over and im blogging once again.
nothing much to update.
just that i've been trying hard to study.
as for now im soaking in the wonderful feeling of the end of the dreaded HOI paper.
did some shopping after lunch (with the most random group ever formed).
its really a pity that trinity is coming to an end.
i reeally reaaalllyyy think so.
other than that i dont really have any other thoughts.
just too bored and drained after the paper.
i just wanna watch my drama performance badly.
have yet to get the file.
soon.very soon.
or mebbe the thought of going back in 3 weeks time.
leaving trinity behind would be hard.
plus the fact that i dont know what to expect from my return to home.
feel a bit lost actually.
considering the fact that i havent been home in like 8 months.
that's a long long time away from ur family.
trust me.
i should know better.
i dont even know if my parents look the same(they are very camera shy).
just a few days back my mom called to say that my brother's new gf is almost a permenant resident at my place.
i wouldnt have known if she didnt bring it up.
i totally picture myself returning home seeing this random girl in my house.
i couldnt ask my maid cos my malay sucks and i bet there wouldnt be anyone else at home.
sigh.
is that thought all i can look forward to upon my return?

highest of highs
lowest of lows
seven months of it all
who's to understand but me
who's to share it all with but noone
familiarity breeds contempt
expectations bring disappointment
melancholy sweeps over
stress from exams the cause of it
homesickness is definitely destructive
let it come to an end soon
anticipating what the future brings
as bleak as it seems now
no motivation whatsoever
apprehensive i am
as clueless as i feel



i dont know what im rambling about.

g0h... and te0.forever. says:
i dont know where's the world man
g0h... and te0.forever. says:
noone's online
ame* i seriously hate it. says:
everyone's either stuck in the rain, or trying to study or trying to convince themselves that studying is quite fun



its friday night and im alone in my shithole.bleahh!


the concert went pretty smoothly.no obvious hiccups.thanks guys(farrell,ran,albert and alvin).i'll miss drama meetings.(really!).

its so hard to say goodbye

"i dont know if i will be remembered.
just be assured that all of u will never be forgotten"


trinity february 2004.


mebbe its the level of english.mebbe its just jane's teachings all these months.sarah,gab and i all wrote about EAP and the trips to fsc cafe faking accents.i dont know.its just all these lil things that i'll remember.prolly cos they are more vivid in my mind.but its true that i feel like i've only got to know all these people and the year is alrdy ending.given more time,i'll get to know these people better.sarah and gab are just examples.there are others too.the fake accent trio lecagy will live forever within the gates of evan burge, JAH(pronounced "yah" the swedish way)?

of dreams,drama meetings and me!

i had the most wonderful dream last night.i woke up this morning wishing it had not been reality instead.people often say that dreams are the opposite of reality.nina thinks it might be deja vu.


tomorrow's my big day."the handsomes" live in concert.one show only.do not miss it for the world.well,if u do its okay.u wouldnt want to see me act like an idiot+arrogant bitch+pathetic handicap that some thought was disfigured.u'll know what i mean after u watch it.my character seems to have multiple personalities.


farrell mentioned that it'll be sad after the performance tomorrow.its the practises and preparation process that made drama exam fun.i thought back on the times when all three of us would burst into a raucous laughing fit once one person is tickled by a mistake of sorts.i often go into drama meeting stressing about exams or just about random problems,i end it being thankful i have them as my drama mates.drama for me in this group is not just about tomorrow.it has become a bonding session for all of us.



i'd really miss drama meetings after the concert ends tomorrow at 2pm.

im running away...catch me if u can

i run and hide.
in hope that it'll go away.
i escape from the truth.
just so i have time to think it over.
i want the world to be me.
so i dont have to decipher nothing.
so am i being selfish?
do i not care at all?



that's what i do.im a professional runner.i run away from problems.when will the sole of my shoes wear out so i can finally stop?

nostalgia

feeling rather nostalgic.never thought friendster could make me feel that way.



sometimes i wished i wasnt what i am now.mebbe this is what they call an "identity crisis" that an adolesence experiences.in search of one's true self.sometimes i wished i was smarter or that i was more compassionate,kinder.sometimes i wished i knew what i wanted to achieve in life.do i want to be a lawyer?an executive striving to reach the top of the corporate ladder?i confuse myself at times.sometimes i dont even recognise the person that i am.



why do i even feel this way?i never even used to care.why cant i just go back to my old self?the real me?where nothing really bothered me as much.where i often was in a world of my own.where nothing could really upset me.where life wasnt as interesting or eventful.but it was simple and everything else was easy to decipher.



or is this what i really am?mebbe its the stress from the exams that's making me feel this way.it might be the absence of my family.



i just want to me.to be known and loved for the real me.is that too hard to be granted?but how is that to happen if i dont even know for sure what i am?



i just want to have my papa right here with me.he doesnt even have to say a word.just his presence can make me feel like im the most important girl in the whole wide world.i want him here to por me.



i never have thought coming to study here on my own would be as tough as it is getting.plus the fact that i havent been home a whole seven months.i always thought i was very independent.tough as a cookie.guess im not really.otherwise i wont be complaining about it in my blog.



u can roughly tell from the way i blog.my entries never used to so personal and depressing.it used to be about the movies i just watched.or about an interesting episode of my life in melbourne where everyone's oh-so-friendly.



oh well,who's to say that people dont change.mebbe i just learnt it the hard way.now that sounded cynical eh?

final goodbye?

today is the first day of school after the last day of school.well,this sounds complicating.basically,today and tomorrow will be made for extra lessons and time lost during the melbourne cup break.it is coming to an end but there's just this something that's pulling us back.and i guess these two days are just that.



but one thing is definite.this year has been eventful.the experiences,be it good or bad,have been a part of my long journey through schooling life and in general made me learn more about life.it'll be reminisced in the later years of my life.well,that might just be next year.when i see anyone of u in melbourne uni



most of us might end up in melb uni and we'll see one another.however,it will never be the same.but the comforting part might just be that we'll remember the good times spent together.


coincidentally,there was this sex and the city farewell special on tv tonight.footages of previous episodes were aired as the cast and crew talked about their reluctance of saying a final and definite goodbye to the set.i remember one of the lines clearly.the line that depicts what the show is all about.carrie's impeccable love for manolos.she "thought manolo mary janes were an urban shoe myth".before that was an episode from the last and final season.carrie left for paris,leaving "old york"(fans should know this pun) and her life behind.samantha renamed new york in one episode where they were all complaining about the mudane and monotonous state the city has come to be.
carrie left it all for a brand new life.embracing a whole new experience to come.



so when does it really come to an end?does it ever come to an ultimate halt?


my sentiments are that friends will always be around though they come and go.but its the memories reminisced that will bring a smile to our faces.but life is full of experiences ready for us to explore and we learn more about ourselves in the process.drama meeting today was spent talking about what life has instored for us.for me,its the things that make me happy.i strive to achieve the most minimal joy.that's all that matters.this drama mate might not read this but me and another guy did try explain our views to him in great details.up till now,i think he's still in a quest to realise what satisfies him.all the best buddy.

where u gonna go?when salvation is within urself.

As I write this entry,a myriad of feelings swirl in my head.
I don't know how to begin but I'll try to make it brief but I hardly doubt it'll turn out to be short.
On wed night,it was the first time I felt selfless.
I knew others around me had their fair share of problems but never did it occur to me theirs may be much worse and unsolvable compared to mine.
After a gesture of genuine concern was passed out without awareness.
The concentration came back.
And also because I was blasting adel's mp3 player.
The walk back home from baillieu lib at 1 plus, I listened to switchfoot's “dare u to move” on full blast.
Music does heal my soul.
I looked up at the rustling leaves on the trees.
Did not hear the strong wind blow.
Couldn't hear yt,adel and wyn's footsteps in the dark cold quiet night.
I walked a few steps ahead of them.


I need an mp3.
Preferably a mini ipod.



Thursday's EAP class at 9am was nothing like the rest.
It was the last one I'd ever have in my entire life.
I was determined to turn up even though I'd slept at 3 the night before.
This is coming from someone who has pontang-ed EAP almost as much as HOI lectures in term 4.
Jane made the class stand up and go over to a random classmate to say something nice.
She came over to me and told me lots of encouraging things.
I tried to look away as soon as she's finished.
Tears welled in my eyes.
I didn't say anything else to other classmates.
She got us to go back to the first day of EAP class.
I’ll miss: - jane greeting me with,”hi jo. had a good weekend?”
- dragging my arse reluctantly after lunch to evan burge for Monday classes.
- Coming out of leeper building and picking lavendar after Thursday classes.
- Then going to the FSC café with sarah and gabe to buy egg & turkey sandwich.
- The fake accent trio.
- Then meeting nina,adel,ck,(sometimes)leeren at evan burge where we’ll crap until Im late for maths tute and I decide not to go in the end.



And tt's just a short part for only EAP.
More'll come after today.



Yesterday was just……(cant find a word to describe it).
It might be because of the fact that school is ending today.
Or it might be because of the exams.
Personal problems are exemplified and dwelled upon with more emotions.
Almost everyone on msn was pouring their feelings to me.
Even the most unexpected one.


Things and people come and go.
Grasp on to the present.
Savour it.

switchfoot-"dare you to move"

Welcome to the planet
Welcome to existence
Everyone's here
Everyone's here
Everybody's watching you now
Everybody waits for you now
What happens next?
What happens next?



I dare you to move
I dare you to move
I dare you to lift yourself up off the floor
I dare you to move
I dare you to move
Like today never happened
Today never happened before



Welcome to the fallout
Welcome to resistance
The tension is here
The tension is here
Between who you are and who you could be
Between how it is and how it should be



I dare you to move
I dare you to move
I dare you to lift yourself up off the floor
I dare you to move
I dare you to move



Like today never happened
Today never happened
Maybe redemption has stories to tell
Maybe forgiveness is right where you fell
Where can you run to escape from yourself?
Where you gonna go?
Where you gonna go?
Salvation is here



I dare you to move
I dare you to move
I dare you to lift yourself
Lift yourself up off the floor
I dare you to move
I dare you to move
Like today never happened
Today never happened
Today never happened
Today never happened before

the unpredictable

today's weather sucks.
not that its been good.
the past two days it'd been above 25 degrees.
not that i know cos i havent been out of arrow for a while.
the furthest i've gone is to lincoln (less than 1km away).



the angst everyone's been experiencing seems to have simmered down.
so has the humid weather gone away for the day.
nina (i think) created the word "angsty".
everyone's been using it in their blogs i realised.
me included.
it best describes what i've been feeling the past few days.


today's mebourne cup day.
a holiday in melbourne to make way for this big horse racing day.
yt said,"i can totally imagine jonathan barlow in his suit and all sitting in his member's seat gambling."
i laughed my head off.
for all those who dont know,melb cup happens annually and the women dress up with summer dresses and huge tai tai-esque hats.
a tradition in melb.
i've seen a lot of those in the lift today at arrow.
and they've been discreetly given wierd looks.
by me.


hope the angsty feeling is gone for good.
its not doing everyone any good.
especially when exams are around the corner and drama exams are next week.
my group's doomed.
grim premonition of my grp's cheesy performance next friday.
sigh.



the weather's been unpredictable.
so has been everyone's moods.
and what's behind the msgs on msn.
will my drama group progress?

pissing me off.

watever u post on ur blog is accessible to everyone or anyone.its www...which stands for world wide web.u wanna rant ur insecurities and bitching.go ahead.but u know wat.letting it affect u by posting it on ur blog just makes u a weaker person and not anything more than that.welcome to the real world.u gotta deal with it sista.

love is only a feeling.

constipation (not literally).


apprehension.


confusion.


tiredness.


impatience.


no sense of self.



wary of the superficial.



seeks indifferent attitude.


breakaway.


focus.


forget.



realises that my vocab at this very moment is very much limited.