I wrote this in May of 2008 after my miscarriage. Apparently I never wrote anything about it on my blog, but on my myspace account that I haven't used in three years. With some messing around I was able to access it. For my posterity and as part of mine and Josh's history, this is my story.
A Sad Gaertner Story
Current mood:
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blank"You need to speak with your doctor," the ultrasound technician told us coldly as she quickly left me and my husband alone in the dark of the room.
Walking over to the clinic, my heart about to burst with the panic that was arising in my body. Tears crawling down my face, I already knew.
"It'll be okay," Josh tried to comfort me. "We don't really know anything yet."
Debby the nurse told me that the techy couldn't legally tell me anything, and to wait till the doctor speaks to me. I did, and so did the doctor.
"There is no fetal pulse."
The hardest words my young ears have heard in my lifetime so far. Nine weeks along, and the baby I've been nurturing is gone. My Irish twins are to never be. The double stroller I've been looking at won't be purchased. The ultrasound and the baby shower with my sister-in-law will never happen. My life will forever be different.
I was angry. Oh how angry I've been. Exspecially when I had to take medicine to exspell the left over contents. In other words, cause a miscarriage. The worst pain, emotionally and physically. Oh how I would have rather given birth and have my baby in the end.
I'm okay now. Life does go on. I still hurt, and I still yearn for what isn't to be, at least for right now. I pray for all you mothers-to-be because it is an AMAZING experience. Enjoy it. Revel in it, and most of all... never take it for granted. The moment you do, you're life could be changed forever.
~Love Nichole
