I'M FUCKING JEALOUS!!!!!!!!!


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Shit why is it so damn hard to be in the same island with the great KJJ?!?! And here we are not talking about meeting him in person yet. What did I do to deserve this kind of unfateful event?? This kind of "coincidences" is really testing my limit.

what am i doing?? wasting my time, money, pride, energy, effort, and tears. all for nothing.

i really really HATE it! people are so selfish and unpredictable. relationship only makes things complicated. everywhere you go, betrayal and lies will always haunt you.

nothing is going right since yesterday. i'm not chasing for a big pay. i just want to save my pride. why people are making it so hard? they better go and fuck themselves.

i just realized that all the people i ever hate were all hypocrites, kissing each other's asses to get what they want from one another.

so far there are only 2 persons i know who are never pretending and not being a pathetic hypocrites (the rest innocent creatures being my dogs). although sometimes they're annoying coz of their truthfulness, but how come i cant make very good friends with those kind of people?

maybe there are just too few of them who can survive living in this fucked up world. i understand why they all have haters and enemies. i do too, i think, although not that explicit coz normally i'm the one who does the hating.

my point is people are only approaching each other because they want and need something from the other. so why everytime i emphasis that theory, they are always in denial? hypocrites much?

it will always be you.

i'm happy for you but it's just too much that sometimes i feel like i wanna give up.

i always feel that i will never be good enough at everything i do when it comes to you. it always takes me a greater effort than everybody else to produce the same level of outcome. it just really pisses me off. maybe i should just stop being all into you this much.

so i passed the 2nd exam :D one down, one more to go. i hate health insurance =3= so many kinds and types of it and i have to memorize all of them till the tiny weeny bit of details. sigh. it's even harder than the 1st exam. who said the 1st one was the toughest... the 3rd one IS the hardest i think =/ i'm not sure if i can pass this.

anyway, so jihyun finally sent me my melitehero calendar. she managed to get the fast payment gift for me! well, this year's fast payment gift isn't as nice as last year's. last year's was a JJ mousepad. this year's is only a yellow hp strap. but nevermind that. it's very hard to get fast payment gift from melitehero. it was sold out within a minute! crazy korean fans. so i consider myself lucky to be able to get it. lol.

jihyun is very nice~! she sent me lots of gifts!! >_<;; when she told me she was gonna send me some extra goods, i never thought it would be this many.

my favorite is the passport case!! dongbang passport case is very rare. i hope there's a JJ passport case too T.T


wow~ finally i got this. stuff from the fanmeeting event in korea. i was gonna bid at YJA but it was so expensive and it's not even a JJ goods so i gave up.

actually she also sent me some junsu goods too. but you know how i feel about junsu. lol.

TO DO LIST:
- pass the next 2 exams
- get accepted for SPR
- go through prudential training successfully
- get lots and lots of clients = LOTS OF MONEY
- apply for my own credit card
- pay rental on my own
- buy a new laptop
- register for a korean course
- learn how to drive
- apply for a driver license in singapore
- be a singaporean citizen
- stop asking money from parents
- stop procrastinating
- stop thinking of and missing jaejae

what a list. it may not be a very long one but it's hard to achieve T^T

i'm not so sure with passing the next 2 exams. i think it's doable since i already passed the first one. people said the first one was the hardest. i dont know. just studied the second one and did the mock questions, managed to get a high score to pass. the subject is boring. it's either you know it or you dont. so i guess i have to read it over and over again to memorize it by heart. not to say it's all about regulations and the language is so hard to understand ;___; haven't tried to read the book for the last exam. it's so thick!! and my mentor said it's gonna be harder then the second one. i hope not. must start study earlier so i can grasp the subject faster ><;;

honestly, i'm quite nervous for my SPR interview. i dont know what will be asked. although my boss was very confident since he already applied for SPR for lots of people already and it's always a success. but the letter of recommendation he wrote me is not under prudential. so i had to lie? and i dont exactly know how to lie on this since i dont know much about it =3=

i'm very worried with how the prudential training will go. i think i will have to interact with other candidates. interacting with other people is always something i hate and reluctant to do. i must endure this for 1 week Y.Y

they're gonna teach me how to fish clients at the training program. i'm quite skeptical about it. dont tell me it's gonna be a roadshow please. i really really hate being approached randomly on the street, not to mention being the one who does the approach!! must have a very strong heart for this to face a lot of rejection. i dont mind if the rejection comes from JJ as he has all the right to reject me XD

clients mean money. so i have to be smart on this and get a high salary and apply for a credit card of my own! i've been wanting to have my own credit card since god knows when. i dont need to use my dad's credit card anymore and i can buy anything i want! well not anything yet, i still have to get lots and lots of money for that =3= my mind seems to focusing on making money on my own lately.

i've been wanting to get a cheaper place to stay which i can afford on my own. but my dad wants me to stay where i'm staying right now. so that means i have to get more money to pay for this rental by myself plus food and transportation costs, not to mention my expense for jaejae goods? lots of things to consider. my laptop is so old that i want a new one. the one where i can watch any HQ videos and wont lag on it. i also intent to take a korean course but i know the good ones which provide certificates are quite expensive here. i'm not even sure after all the hard work i put in my job i would have time to spare and at a point in time it crossed my mind, will i still like jaejae by then when i dont have time to spazz about him anymore? maybe i will still like him, but will it be as much as i do now? such a sad thing to think about.

since my last trip to japan, i've been falling in love with that country. no wonder jaejae likes it there. but it sucks how indonesians have to apply for visa to go there. it's so much better if you have a singaporean passport to travel. i really wanna have one! you dont need visa to go to anywhere at all! and you can stay in japan for 3 months in one trip. how cool is that? but i guess i have to be a SPR for 1-2 years first to get it. such a long time to wait! T^T well then i shall focus on my job.

재중이 생일 축하해요~!!

너무 너무 사랑한다 ♥

I've got a mind boggling, sense numbing, heart pounding, stomach flipping, take-my-breath-away, head-over-heels, knee shaking, daydreaming, butterfly fluttering crush on you.





























credits to the amazing gpx artists who made this lovely icons~ <3