5 months

Today marks 5 months since Scarlett was born. It's hard to believe she came and blessed our lives nearly a half a year ago and it's hard to believe how fast time has gone since she passed away.

I've been thinking a lot today about how much hope I had, early on in her life, that she would continually get better day by day so we could bring her home. We loved Scarlett so much, we would do whatever it took to bring her home to have her be a part of our every moments. I remember marking each day her improvements and being so excited, and then on other days seeing her set backs and feeling so frustrated.

It was really hard for Jon and I, as it would any parent, to hear her diagnosis of PCH that Monday afternoon in August, and even harder to make the decision to let her return to our Heavenly Father. I don't think we could possibly go through anything harder than that.

Sometimes things don't work out the way we want and it's hard, especially for me. Life is great when I get my way, but when it's not my way, let's just say, I'm a wreck.

But, I've learned through having Scarlett, that life can still be great. And only because we are only separated from our loved who have passed on for a short time.

And it's great because our Savior knows and loves us and He payed the price in Gethsemane so He knows how to succor us when we have heart ache. How would life be without our Savior? I know I'd feel completely empty inside, but I'm grateful I don't have to feel that way. Even though my heart at times, feels like it is going to break in two, life is still great because my Savior lives and Scarlett does, too.

Grateful

I was planning on going to bed early tonight, but my mind is racing and my heart is too full to be able to fall asleep. 

I miss my Scarlett so very much tonight. I wish I could be holding her close right now rocking her to sleep, but instead I can only hope that she is happy up in Heaven and being loved and watched over by all those she meets.

We are so very blessed to have family and friends in our lives who truly love and care about how Jon and I and the kids are doing. There isn't a day that goes by when I am not looked straight in the eye and asked how I'm doing and most of the time I really am doing okay- except if you could see me tonight, you'd think I wasn't... I just really miss my baby. And I know it is okay to cry my heart out, because I love my sweet baby and I just really really miss her, and I know I will for the rest of my life. 

Still, it is difficult trying to move forward. For so long, dozens of questions have been constantly on my mind about Scarlett's little life. "Did she feel how much we love her?" "Did she suffer?" "Did I comfort her enough?" "Did I spend as much time as I possibly could with her?" "Did she know I was her mother?" "Did she recognize Jon's kisses on her forehead and the kids hands when they'd touch her?"

A couple weeks ago, I had the opportunity to sing praises of Thanksgiving in a choir for our church. There was also a narrator quoting the prophets of our church about gratitude. And two quotes in particular struck me. I can't remember who it was that said it, but the quote says that 

we should be grateful for the children that enter into our families and 

a grateful heart is a happy heart. 

I know it is obvious that we should be grateful for the children that enter our families, but I needed to be grateful for everything this experience has taught me straight from the moment Scarlett was born to the moment she returned back to our Heavenly Father- no matter how difficult it was. My heart had been so downtrodden by losing her, but in that moment of hearing those words, I realized if I was ever going to get pass the worries and questions that constantly went through my mind, I was just going to have to be 

grateful. 

grateful that she was sent to our family
grateful that we got to spend two unforgettable months holding and kissing and adoring her
grateful that she was able to touch so many lives including my own
grateful for the skilled doctors and wonderful nurses at both Davis Hospital and Primary Childrens 
grateful for how close Heaven feels in my heart
 grateful for our Heavenly Father's plan- that it is real and it is for each of us
grateful for my Savior- that I can turn to Him in my sorrow and he will encircle me with His love and the Holy Ghost will fill my mind with the assurance that we will see Scarlett again- and she will be made whole 
grateful that I got to be an instrument in bringing her little body into this world
 grateful for a wonderful and strong husband who loves her so dearly as well 
and grateful for the children I still have on this Earth and that we can talk to them about Scarlett everyday and that she is still a big part of our family
grateful for trials
grateful for how perfect she was  

Now, when I start to feel sad, I try to remember to be grateful for her life and how much she has touched mine and I am reminded of how wonderful life is and how wonderful our Heavenly Father's plan is.

It is still hard for me to see pictures and videos of Scarlett, but I am so grateful I have them.

Here are a few pictures that were taken of Scarlett the day before she left this world. They were done by a wonderful photographer of NILMDTS. 

  

a video of Scarlett

I have been so grateful to have videos to watch of Scarlett. She always seemed so content and had a spirit about her that made us love being with her. I wanted to share one of my favorite videos of her. This was one of the last times she really opened those beautiful brown eyes of hers so long for us.

Today would have been Scarlett's 4 month birthday. It's hard to believe she came and blessed our lives only 4 months ago. I still think about her every day I don't think a day has gone by that I haven't shed some tears, but I am grateful to know that we will see her again. That truly is a blessing to know that.

a day to remember

Birthdays are so special and important. We look forward to them every year. On that day we can look back and see how we've grown and how much we've accomplished.

After Scarlett was born, her birthday became so special and important as well and for the first couple of months, we were so optimistic as we saw her slowly growing and saw her accomplishing little things day by day. We were hopeful that we would get to share at least a few birthdays with her.

But sometimes things aren't meant to work out the way you want them to. 

We were lucky and blessed to have her two wonderful months, and for that I am grateful. Today marks one month since she went back to our Heavenly Father.  My heart still longs for her to be here, but I know that she is in a beautiful place where she is free and happy and whole. I love you Scarlett! 

happy 3 months

Today has been a hard day. Scarlett would have been 3 months old today. I keep thinking that with each passing day, my heart won't ache so much to have her gone, but that hasn't been the case yet. 

But it is true that with each day that goes by, it is one more day closer to when I'll be able to hold her in my arms again, and that will be the most wonderful day. On that day, I will feel complete joy again.

Happy 3 months my sweet baby. I truly love and miss you more and more each day.

her name

When Jon and I showed up to the hospital in the early morning of July 14th, we still weren't quite sure what we were going to name our baby girl. We had gone back and forth on so many names, but being the big "Gone With the Wind" fan that I am, in the end it came down to Vivien or Scarlett.  I remember a couple hours after we had arrived at the hospital, the nurse asked us what we were going to name our baby. I said we weren't sure, but maybe Scarlett (because that was the name we were more leaning towards) and saying that name just seemed to roll really well off my tongue. And so, from that point on, we called our little bundle of joy, Scarlett. Well, Scarlett June to be more precise- June is after my grandma Holmgren who passed away over 6 years ago, and who was one of the most gracious and most wonderful woman I've known. I like to think that Scarlett has talked with and hugged her many times by now.  

The name Scarlett means a "vivid red color" and I don't think it is by accident that we named her that. On the drive home from PCMC after Scarlett had passed away, our hearts were filled with sorrow, but way off in the horizon, the sun was setting in the most beautiful vivid red color. Granted it was pollution that was causing the sun to be so red, but Jon and I took it as a sign that it was for us to remember Scarlett by, and while driving down the freeway towards home we looked towards the east and noticed that the trees on the mountainside had seemed to change overnight into a vivid red color as well. Our little Scarlett had passed on, but these were signs that we would be able to remember her by every year for the rest of our lives.

When we arrived home that night, there was a card on our doorstep. It was from our neighbors. They had given us a Scarlet Hawthorne tree for us to plant so we could always remember Scarlett by. Tears welled in my eyes at how beautiful the tree was and how thoughtful our neighbors are. In the spring it will produce the most beautiful bright reddish-pink blossoms. 

And when I think of Scarlett's name, I think of the scripture referring to repentance and forgiveness:

"though your sins be as scarlet, they shall be as white as snow" 

Isn't it ironic that her name gives mention to sin, but she was as perfect and innocent as they come? I know this scripture is not for her, but for me. And how grateful I am that I can repent of my short comings and imperfections and my Savior makes it possible for me to be forgiven so that I can be with Scarlett again one day.

I love my Scarlett. Her name has become somewhat sacred to me and I am thankful we did name her what we did so we may have so many ways to remember her by.

time to think

I remember people telling me before Scarlett's funeral that the sadness and loss of her passing on wouldn't quite hit until after the funeral was over and when my life tried to grab hold onto what it once knew. I have definitely felt that. The past week and a half has been so up and down for me, but when I'm up, it feels wonderful to laugh and sing and smile and when I'm down it feels good to cry and doubt and pray for strength. It feels good to express exactly how I feel in the exact moment I'm feeling it.

I've had a lot of time to think about Scarlett these past couple weeks and the lasting effect she has had on my life. I wonder quite often if she knows how much we love and miss her. I do so much that my heart literally aches, but I am also so thankful to know that she is forever ours. 

I often wonder what Heaven must be like. Is it as beautiful as the ocean and as magical as a meadow? Is it pure white everywhere you turn or is it full of colors you've never seen before?

Everyday I think about the moment when Scarlett passed away in my arms. So closely I held her tiny broken body, but I knew her spirit was gone and had returned back to our Heavenly Father. I try to picture Scarlett entering Heaven with Heavenly Father standing at the gateway welcoming her in his strong and gentle arms and then having our Savior wrap his arms around her as well welcoming her home. I try to imagine who in my family would be first to welcome her home. My grandmas come first to mind. I can imagine my Grandma Packer giving her big hugs and kisses like she did to me when I was little and I can picture my Grandma Holmgren giving her big hugs and telling her how beautiful she is, like she did to me when she was still alive. Those are happy thoughts and ones I want to hang onto. They help me know that Scarlett is safe and happy and loved there.

I've been thinking about hope lately. Before Scarlett was born, I hoped that I would deliver a healthy baby and when Scarlett came out not breathing very well, I hoped she would stay alive. Days later, after seeing all her symptoms, I hoped she wouldn't have a physical or mental handicap. And then days after that learning she would most likely have something that would make her both physically and mentally handicapped, I hoped that I would have the strength and knowledge to care for a special needs child. I was anxious and afraid to know her diagnosis, but mostly I just wanted her to have something that she could be with us for a long time. Then when we learned that she had Pontocerebellar Hypoplasia, my hope was shattered, yet magically that hope changed into something better. It changed into a sure knowledge. I didn't just hope to see Scarlett again when she died, I knew I would and I knew that Scarlett would be ressurected into a perfect body and I knew that our Heavenly Father was going to watch over her until we could be there to hold her again.

I still cry everyday for my sweet Scarlett, usually after the day is gone and when the night is quite. I miss the drives up to Primary Children's Medical Center and walking into the NICU to see her lying still in her crib- so meek and so patient. I miss running my fingers through her soft curls and changing her diaper and dressing her in the morning and putting her pj's on at night. But mostly, I miss her gentle brown eyes. I loved her eyes. 

The first couple of days after her funeral, I agonized over whether or not we made the right decision to let her go and I hated that we we even had to make that decision. I wished that Scarlett was still with us, but just getting better instead of getting worse. But I knew that wasn't what Heavenly Father wanted for her and I knew that it wasn't the right decision to allow her to continue to deteriorate. We knew that if we loved Scarlett, we would have to trust that letting her go was God's will and that we would see her again. And those words really are music to my ears- we will see her again. A great blessing from this whole experience is that I no longer fear death. I don't really welcome it either, but I have seen it and it is peaceful and it is wonderful. Death is only "the comma and not the period " as President Boyd K. Packer quotes. We will see Scarlett again.

My thought are pretty scattered today, but one last thing I feel so grateful for are the tender mercies of God. I felt like women's conference this past Saturday was meant just for me. Every single talk was just what I needed to hear for this exact trial in my life and same for the RS lesson in church yesterday. I know the Lord loves me and my family. I feel his love encircling us like a warm blanket. I am so thankful for the selfless service and generosity of our family and friends and neighbors  Just last night someone door bell ditched a very large amount of money. Thank you to whoever that was and to everyone else that has given us money, treats, service, and have cried with us and prayed for us. We feel so very blessed and have never felt like no one cares about our sorrows. The scripture "mourn with those that mourn" comes to my mind. What wonderful people you all are and how very blessed we feel!

one week

It has been one week since Scarlett returned to our Heavenly Father. I think about those last moments we had with her several times each day and wonder what she is doing right now in heaven.

Scarlett's funeral was beautiful. My friends made a beautiful arrangement of all our favorite pictures, little outfits and blankets and tiny footprints of Scarlett's and Jon's dad and our Bishop spoke many words of comfort. The harp medley made me feel like I was in heaven with Scarlett. Everything was so perfect even though I felt so numb throughout the day. I am so grateful for all the friends and family and neighbors that have helped us over these past couple months. The Lord truly does bless us through the service of others.

These last couple of months have been somewhat of a dream for me and Jon. From the moment of Scarlett's silent birth to the moment she quietly passed away, my life was stuck on the slow motion button. I remember the exact moment life sped up again to its normal pace. I was holding Scarlett just moments before she died, and all of a sudden I could hear all the background noises again that had once been silenced. It was like I had awoken from a deep sleep.

It has been very difficult for Jon and I this last week. We have cried so many times and prayed for comfort and peace and understanding, and Heavenly Father has blessed us with it.

 This experience with Scarlett has been very special and sacred to me and Jon, but I wanted to share a few thoughts I've had these last few weeks and wanted you to know a bit of the struggles we've had in deciding to let Scarlett go.

When we learned of Scarlett's diagnosis over a month ago, Dr. Swoboda gave us a couple of options of what we could do. We could either take her home and set up our own little NICU in our family room and watch her progressively get worse or we could "withdraw support" meaning we would remove her breathing tube and let her pass away peacefully. I remember being quite horrified that the doctor would even suggest that to us. I wanted to do all we could at that time to get her home. Scarlett was still only needing a little support from the ventilator and I totally thought we could just sacrifice our time and energy until she passed on her own, meaning she would most likely get a respiratory infection that she couldn't fight off and eventually succumb to it. Not a pleasant thought, though.

As the weeks went by, we learned more about Scarlett's disease and Scarlett taught us through her gentle demeanor and we also learned that bringing her home was really not the best idea for our family, but mostly it wasn't good for Scarlett. It was quite apparent that the doctors and nurses thought that withdrawing support was the best decision, but Jon and I just couldn't bare to make that final call. We went to the temple and fasted and prayed, but still we couldn't bring ourselves to let Scarlett go even thought we knew it was probably the best decision for her. I couldn't let her go when she was still looking us in the eye when we'd talk to her. 

Then one day a few weeks ago, Scarlett started sleeping more than she usually did. She woke only for a few minutes while her diaper was being changed, but then she'd fall right back to sleep. I remember those last couple of weeks of her life walking into the NICU and seeing her peacefully sleeping in her little hospital crib. As I'd watch her, my heart would break because even though she looked so perfect and still as she slept, I knew her body was really struggling to stay alive.

After praying for weeks about what to do, Scarlett began doing Cheyne-Stokes breathing patterns meaning her brain was beginning to deteriorate. Jon and I feel so strongly that having Scarlett sleeping more and her breathing changing were signs to help us make our decision.

Then two Saturdays ago, the doctor pulled us aside and told us we needed to make a decision soon. We couldn't keep her at Primary Children's hospital any longer because it is a place for babies to get better. We could either do a trachiostomy and send her to a long term care facility where she would sleep all day with a ventilator breathing for her or we had to let her go. In that moment, Jon and I knew exactly what we needed to do. We had enjoyed two wonderful months with Scarlett and loved her as much as we possibly could, but now it was time to let her go. If my heart wasn't completely broken, it finally did at that point, but despite knowing we had to let our baby go, it was going to be okay. I just remember feeling that is was going to be okay.

We set the date that we would remove her breathing tube that following Wednesday. It's really surreal planning a funeral and wondering how you'll make the most of every moment with your loved one when you know they are going to die soon. I absolutely hated the feeling, but was grateful every day up to that point that I had one more day with her.

All our family came to see her Tuesday night which was so amazing. I loved watching all my nieces and nephews touching and starring at Scarlett.

We had slept over at Primary's with Scarlett that night. It was the longest night of my life. I remember waking up and walking over to her crib in the glow of her ventilator monitor to change her diaper and then waking again when she got hiccups. I remember staring at her monitor and watching the breathing marks peak each time she'd hiccup. She just lay there sleeping so peacefully, I wanted to just watch her and never forget her sweet little face.

I feel like I'll get too personal if I go on, but all I want to say now is that it was the most difficult, yet most amazing experience to watch our baby pass away. I thought I would be afraid, but I wasn't. She looked so beautiful and so peaceful- even more peaceful than she looked when she was sleeping. I felt this overwhelming sense of peace that Scarlett was free and happy.

I love Scarlett so much. She is a part of my heart and sometimes I wonder how I can even go on living without her here. I often feel like this whole experience was so unfair, but when I pray for peace and understanding, Heavenly Father blesses me with it. I know he is hearing my prayers and is crying with me. He too knows how it is to watch your child pass away and not do anything about it. I feel like I had a tiny glimpse of what it must have been like for Him to watch our Savior die upon the cross, although it is nothing to compare. One moment I will never forget with Scarlett was a few weeks ago when I was holding and rocking her and thinking about how much I love her. And all of a sudden I finally understood our Savior's love and I understood the Atonement. I know our Savior died for us so we can be with our families forever. He knows that we love them that much.

I will never forget my beautiful Scarlett. When I think about how happy she must be to be free from her little body, it makes life a little more bearable. I know I will see her again and have the chance to hold her once more, but until then, I will have to keep holding on and trying my best so I can be with her forever.

Dad loves you Scarlett

Mandi has done a wonderful job putting her thoughts and feelings about Scarlett over the last couple of months on the blog.  I just wanted to put a few words down to tell you of my special little Scarlett from my prospective.


We have been blessed in many ways as we have gone through the last couple of months with Scarlett.

My wonderful wife Mandi has been a great strength to me throughout this time.  It is so good to have her.  She has gone through the same things I have, and only she knows what it is like to be me.  I love her and couldn't have gotten through this without her support.  She is an amazing and strong woman, who I am blessed enough to call my wife.

Our neighbors, family, and friends have been so very helpful and served us in so many ways.  My words can't express the gratitude I have for such wonderful people who have served us so selflessly and been so generous with us.  I hope that none of them have to go through this, but if (or when :) ) they have trials, I hope to be able to repay them in some small part by serving them as they have served us.

From the beginning, things felt temporary with little Scarlett.  I remember on the second or third day of her life looking at her as she struggled to breathe and the words coming to my mind, "She will rise in the morning of the first resurrection".  At the time, the words were confusing to me because I wanted every blessing possible for her.  I wanted her to be fixed.  What else would any father want for a beautiful and precious little daughter?  I asked for these things in prayer many times, but I soon realized that having faith in the Lord meant to trust in Him and know that His will would be done for my little Scarlett.  I knew that I would understand better with time what the Lord wanted for her.

As time went by, Mandi and I tried to spend as much time as possible with little Scarlett because we wanted her to feel loved by us as much as she could.  Scarlett always had a special spirit about her.  I always felt better when I was with her.  I felt peace and love.  She was ever patient with her difficulties and seemed to always be happy.

Later after learning Scarlett's diagnosis of Pontocerebellar hypoplasia type 1, I didn't want to believe it.  It was very sad for us to accept that our precious little girl was going to get worse and worse, instead of better.  We continued on spending as much time as we could with her to enjoy her as much as possible while we still had her.  As I continued to visit little Scarlett and hold her and kiss her little forehead time after time over those days and weeks, I felt humbled to be in her presence.  She was a valiant and noble little one who had proven herself before she was born and would not have to suffer through the trials and difficulties of this mortal life.  I knew that she was too precious and too pure.  She was sent to earth to obtain a body and be allowed a short time to be with her earthly parents, Mandi and I.

Not too long after getting her diagnosis, Scarlett did begin to get worse.  She started having irregular breathing patterns and sleeping all day long apart for maybe a few minutes here and there when she would wake up.  She later got to the point where she wasn't breathing at all on her own, and was just being supported by the ventilator.  She passed away on September 19th in her mother's loving arms.

I am so thankful for the time we had with Scarlett.  It was a great blessing to me in my life and allowed me to get to know Scarlett and love her even more.  It allowed me time to learn important lessons from her.  This experience with Scarlett has definitely been the hardest thing I have ever gone through in my life, but it has also been the greatest blessing I have ever been given.  I have learned so much from little Scarlett that I could never repay her for what she has given me.  She is a tremendous blessing to me in my life and has changed me forever.

When I think of how to describe the things I have learned through my precious little Scarlett, the words to the hymn 'More Holiness Give Me' come to mind:

More holiness give me, more strivings within.

More patience in suffering, more sorrow for sin.

More faith in my Savior, more sense of His care.

More joy in His service, more purpose in prayer.

More gratitude give me, more trust in the Lord.

More pride in His glory, more hope in His Word.

More tears for His sorrows, more pain at His grief.

More meekness in trial, more praise for relief.

More purity give me, more strength to o'ercome,

More freedom from earth-stains, more longing for home.

More fit for the kingdom, more used would I be,

More blessèd and holy, more, Savior, like Thee.

I am not the man I was before Scarlett was born.  I have grown in faith, hope, and charity.  I have learned to have patience in my trials.  I have learned that the Lord will be there for us in our most difficult times, if we but ask in faith.  I have a greater love, understanding, and empathy for those who suffer through trials.  I have a greater hope for life after death.  I have greater faith in our Heavenly Father's plan.  I know that our Heavenly Father is there and truly loves us.  I have a better understanding of the suffering of the Savior, and the love He and Heavenly Father have for us.  As I have suffered through this trial, I have felt the Lord lift from me the heavy weight I have felt as soon as the thought of the Savior's suffering has entered my mind.

How great a lesson I have learned.  The only way I can show Scarlett my gratitude will be to go throughout my life trying to be a better person each day.  I will serve others better.  I will rely more on the Lord.  For me, this scripture has been the theme of our short time with Scarlett.  It is even more meaningful to me because it came to Mandi's mind just before Scarlett was delivered.  It has helped me to know what to do many times throughout the time with Scarlett and even now.  It is Proverbs chapter 3, verses 5 and 6:

Trust in the Lord with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding.

In all thy ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct thy paths.

Thank you my sweet, innocent, little Scarlett for what you have taught me.  I love and miss you more than I can express.  I know you are safe and happy where you are now, free from your little body and in a state of rest and peace.  You are in a place more beautiful than I can even imagine.  I have felt your love and the Savior's love for me and Mandi over the last few days, and that has strengthened me.  I know through the great Plan of Happiness that Mandi and I will be with you again on some not too distant day.  This separation from you is only for time, but we will be able to be together forever through the atonement of our Savior once this time has passed.  Goodbye for now my precious and noble little daughter, I love you and will never forget you, I will always have a place for you in my heart.
Your Dad.

funeral for Scarlett

Scarlett's June's funeral will be tomorrow, September 22, 2012 at 11am. It will be held at the Farmington 7th ward building, located at 79 S. 1525 W. (on the west side of Farmington). All family and friends are welcome to come.

saying goodbye

Our beautiful Scarlett passed away peacefully in our arms today. My heart is completely broken, but somehow it is also filled with peace and understanding. 

{My wonderful mom took this picture of Scarlett last Thurday.}

Two birthdays in one

Two months ago today, our beautiful little Scarlett was born. We love her so dearly that words can't even describe. 

My mind often goes back to the day she was born- how I was so nervous to have a c-section, feeling the epidural take effect, hearing the nurse tell us that she could see our baby's cute little bum poking out as they were trying to pull her out... and then not hearing her cry when she did come out. 

I remember the doctor coming in and telling us there was something wrong with our baby and then after he left, me going over and over in my mind, 'how did I not know she had something wrong with her while I was pregnant with her?'

I remember being a little afraid to see her for the first time- a few hours after she was born. And then seeing her and crying tears of joy at how beautiful and perfect she was! I felt so lucky to be her mother.

I have grown so much these last two months and I will be forever grateful to Scarlett for what this trial has taught me. I have learned that Heavenly Father is in charge and sometimes it is easier to accept His will even though it is so hard. That is why we have our Savior. He is able to ease our burdens and heartache through His redeeming and endless love. 

But still, I have times when I am sad knowing that Scarlett will not grow into a curious little toddler and then blossom into a beautiful woman. Sometimes I let my mind wander and I like to think she is just fine and she will get better. I guess that is my way of coping with her diagnosis. But then I snap out of it and life is hard again.

My father in law (whom I admire so much his council) mentioned something to me that I have thought a lot about. 

Why do we try so hard to stay on this Earth? 

Why, before Scarlett was born, had I prayed so fearfully- that no harm would come before my family, that we would always be in good health, basically that we would never have to have any trials like that while we were here earth?

How foolish I was. Not that it is bad to pray for those things, but I got caught up in always wanting my life to be easy. 

I have never regretted that we have Scarlett.  She is our daughter and we love her just as we love our other children, maybe sometimes more because she is such a good little baby:) 

Having a sick child is teaching me to have faith, patience, a deeper love, to serve unselfishly, and to have more compassion when otherwise I wouldn't have really understood. Basically she is teaching me to be more like our Savior.

I love Scarlett and I hope that she feels that when I am with her and that it lingers when I am not.

Happy 2 month birthday, Scarlett! We love you more and more each day! 

picture taken by my wonderful friend, Tiffany's, mom. Isn't she beautiful!

And did I mention that today is also Jon's birthday?! I love this man! He is a such a loving, forgiving, funny, handsome, smart and wonderful husband, but even better than that is that he is a fabulous father. He loves our children and that in turn makes me love him even more.

this past week in pictures

Here are a few random shots from this past week.

Hunter and Jaina got to hold Scarlett for the first time this past week! They were SO excited and I'm so thankful they got to do that.

Jaina also got to help me change Scarlett's diaper. She thought that was pretty exciting!

Jaina made this bracelet for Scarlett when the babysitters were watching her. She didn't even measure how big to make it. She told me she just remembered how big her hand was when she held it and that's how big she knew how to make it. Smart girl!

There are a lot of nurses at Primary Children's watching over Scarlett, but there are a few that I've really grown to love.

This is Rahndi (pronounced Ron-D). She is pretty much the funniest easy going nurse I've ever known. I've learned over these past few weeks that she loves to can, has two kids whom she loves and we joke about how funny our kids are, and she has the cutest hair.

And this is Eve. Every morning when she watches Scarlett, she does salon day and has Scarlett's hair all perfect for me when I come in to visit. She is so cute with Scarlett and treats her like she is her favorite patient. 

Eve recommended that we do a family movie night with Scarlett and our other children so we could somewhat have a taste of what it would be like if Scarlett were home with us. We did that yesterday and it was so wonderful! The Lorax was playing on the TV, we were eating pizza,  the kids were fighting, and I got to hold Scarlett for as long as I wanted. It was just like we were at home on a Friday night and it was heaven!

Words can't describe how much we love Scarlett. One of my favorite things about her is when she opens her eyes after being fast asleep and she'll be looking right at me. I always want to remember those beautiful, gentle eyes.

I also love her cute little nose, her dainty hands, her skinny little legs and her curled little pinky toe on her left foot.

But especially I love the feelings I have when I am with her. They are feelings of love, peace and hope.
I love that baby's are straight from heaven and so sweet and innocent and knowing that Scarlett will soon be going back to heaven makes me realize how close I have become to my Heavenly Father and how His plan has become so real to me. I'm so grateful I have that knowledge and testimony. I was reading in the scriptures today that Heavenly Father gives us trials so we don't forget Him. And how could I forget Him when I know my baby will be going back into the safety of His arms.
Scarlett is a special baby and I know Heavenly Father loves her as much, if not more, than I do. She has touched so many peoples heart, including mine. The nurses at Davis hospital told me they called her
"baby angel".
She really is an angel.