Jon on marriage

A wise friend of mine once told me that anything in this life worth having requires work.  I think that is true.  It is perhaps fitting then, that marriage is the most difficult relationship of our lifetime.  In every other relationship we can avoid each other after a fight.  (Not that it's the best policy, but it is an option.)  In a marriage, there is no avoiding it.  And yet marriage can also be the most rewarding relationship in our life.

Kamarie and I will celebrate 16 years together this fall.  We've known each other for closer to 20 years.  She is my best friend and the only person in this world that knows everything about me.  We both came from happy homes, which is an increasingly rare thing.  Kamarie's father had passed away before I met Kamarie, but he was there for the bulk of her childhood.  So Kamarie and I had good examples of two parent households to learn from.  Even so, we stumbled occasionally when we were first married.

I've never heard a couple say that their marriage was flawless.  Ours is not either.  We've had some serious arguments to the point that we were mad at each other for days afterward.  But we've learned some useful principles.  They're pretty intuitive.  You probably do the same in your relationship.  Nonetheless, if my children were getting married today, I'd have this advice for them:

1) No outside factor is allowed to create discord in the relationship between husband and wife.  Not work, not school, not friends, not church callings, not peer pressure, and not children.  What?  Not church callings?  Not children?  That's right: nothing.  If a job is bad for the marriage, quit.  If the church calling keeps you away to the point that it is a problem, then you need to be released.

Sometimes when we kneel down for prayer at night the children like to try to slide in between Kamarie and I.  If there is room we will often let them.  If there isn't room, then rather than slide over, I'll tell them, "Nothing comes between me and your mom."  The children all giggle at that.  They like knowing that their parents love each other.  We love our children a great deal, but our first priority is to the marriage.

This also means alone time together.  We've found that after a particularly stressful day, it's nice to just take a drive or go to the store together for some groceries.  Before I hurt my knee we used to do a 30 minute run together 3 times a week.  Any time spent together with just the two people can really help you wind down.

2) Communicate, communicate, communicate.  Men and women see and express things differently.   If you just say the minimum you probably will misunderstand each other.  Years ago this was explained in a popular book "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus."  I've never read it, but some of our friends have, the basic concept is clear from the title.  It is critical that we try to explain ourselves.  That means that if Kamarie thinks I'm mad, I need to explain that I'm not mad, that I'm just thinking.  If I'm really mad, it means I can't pretend I'm not mad.

I think one of the most difficult things I've had to do is talk when I'm mad.  When I'm mad I want to just  withdraw into a shell and stew over it.  One thing I've learned is that the "madder" I am, the more I need to explain my feelings to Kamarie.  Eight times out of ten as soon as I've said it out loud it just sounds petty.  Sometimes the honest answer is that "I don't know" why I'm mad, which is usually a pretty good signal to me that I need to apologize.  One time out of ten I might have a legitimate gripe, and the only way it's going to be resolved is if we talk about it.

3) Practice random acts of kindness.  Sometimes I step in the door after a long day of work and I hear the kids screaming and the temptation enters my mind to just turn around and walk right back out.  But then I realize that Kamarie has been trapped in that madhouse all day.  If I can do something simple like gather the kids up and calm them down while she relaxes it helps her to de-stress and feel appreciated at the same time.

But the awesome thing is, if I come home upset and I just need to go into my man cave, then Kamarie is sensitive to that and allows me that freedom.  So there is a give and a take where we each try to do nice things for each other.

I've also found that I can go to Smith's and get flowers for cheap and it's a nice surprise for Kamarie.  Sometimes I'll buy them a couple times a month, just to see her light up.  When Valentines day roles around Kamarie doesn't even care if she gets flowers, she probably had them a week or two before anyway.

Kamarie likes to make a big deal out of my birthday.  She'll come in to work and decorate my office.  That night she'll cook my favorite meal.  Thoughtful acts like that do a lot for a marriage.

Even a nice long hug when you know they're down can be just what the doctor ordered.

4) Don't do hurtful things to each other.  Just don't.  I don't have much more to say on this.  In a marriage we know each other better than anyone else.  We know what will push one another's buttons. When we get into a fight we want to lash out.  It's childish.  It does lasting damage.  Do not do it.  Kamarie can still recall idiotic things I said years ago.  Now that I've matured, I can't fathom I would ever say anything so stupid, but I did and she still remembers.

5) Take a vacation with just the two of you occasionally.  This is a hard one to arrange because you've usually got to arrange family to watch the kids for a day or two.  If you can arrange it, I highly recommend it.  We've stayed in Las Vegas a couple of times.   Last year for our big 15th anniversary we did a long weekend in New York.

6) Forgive each other.  Nobody is perfect.  We make mistakes and sometimes those mistakes hurt the person we love most.  If we carry around baggage from past fights and can't forgive then the remaining issue is more our fault than the person who has since apologized and repented.

7) Marital relations are a natural by product of adhering to the tips above.  They also help build more love in the relationship if they are entered into as an expression of love and not simply because of a physical desire.

There are also physical/emotional needs that are satisfied through marital relations that need to be attended to periodically.  I'm not suggesting a particular frequency, but just be aware that your partner needs intimacy.  I'm going to keep this posting PG, so I won't say more on this point.

That's it.  See... Nothing Earth shattering.  These are the principles that Kamarie and I live by.  Take it or leave it.  It works for us.  We didn't practice them all from the start (well, except maybe #7), but we've learned it over time.  This past year we've really adhered to this formula closer than ever before and it has been the best year of our marriage.  I can't imagine being any happier.

Kamarie approved this message.  ;-)

Jon on Joy

I want to get off on the right foot with this blog.  The most important thing in my life is God, from whom all other blessings spring.  My greatest blessing is my wife, Kamarie.  I've often said that she and the children are all I need to be happy, which brings me to a couple thoughts I would like to share on  joy.

I've always liked this scripture from the Book of Mormon since I first learned it in seminary many years ago:

"Adam fell that men might be, and men are that they might have joy." - 2 Nephi 2:25.

We are here on Earth with a mission, but the great thing about our mission is that it is in our own self interest to complete it.  Our mission is to have joy.  Isn't that amazing that our experience here is all about our Father in Heaven's plan for us to have joy.  Who doesn't want joy?   We all do.  How do we find joy?  Well it turns out there are natural laws, that lead to joy.  We have to learn them.  In a future article, I'll talk about natural law in the governmental sense, but back to the Gospel sense:

"There is a law, irrevocably decreed in heaven before the foundations of this world, upon which all blessings are predicated—And when we obtain any blessing from God, it is by obedience to that law upon which it is predicated." - D&C 130:20-21

Friends, I bare testimony to the truthfulness of this principle.  There are specific blessings that naturally follow from obedience to specific principles.  Sometimes we have to really grow and stretch to be obedient to those principles.  Sometimes we don't have faith that those principles are true so we ignore them and we miss out on the blessings.  I've been obedient enough to learn for myself what a few of those principles are.  Each is worthy of it's own post, so for today I'll just leave it at that.  You collect enough of those blessings, and you've got yourself joy.

So that's the first thought.  As I mentioned in the introductory post, they won't all be Gospel related, but I figured I'd start with the most important thing first.

Jon on my first post!

In the past when I had thoughts to share, I've posted them to Facebook.  What has happened a number of times is that I have unintentionally alienated people with my opinions.  I think the 2-3 sentence summaries that one tends to use on FB have a lot to do with it.  I also think that Facebook leads us to naturally make assumptions that certain subjects are responses to previous threads.  I hope that by moving my thoughts here I can firewall this off from the statements of any other person.

For this reason, I have created the Jon On blog..  Hard to say, I know.  You try finding a blogspot domain sometime and you'll realize why I chose this awful name.  I'll try later to find something better.

The purpose of this blog will be to share my thoughts on various subjects in a friendly way.  This blog will contain thoughts from Jon (me) on liberty, Jon on family, Jon on God, and whatever else occurs to me to post.  I have some strongly held beliefs on all of these subjects.  They've brought me much happiness in my life and I want that happiness for you.

I can tell you right now that some of you won't agree with what I have to say.  For example, I believe in liberty, which means I can do what I want as long as it doesn't harm others or their property.  Most people like that, but what they don't like is the flipside, which is that I also can't tell others what to do in their life.  Take seatbelts, for example.  Seatbelts are good.  Telling people they must wear them, is not.  In Utah, you're required by law to wear them.  I ask why?  If I choose not to wear a seat belt, the worst possible consequence is my own death, which is nobody's business but my own.

There are of course rational limits to liberty, even.  So this will also be the place that I detail my own thoughts on what those limits might be.  For example, I don't think it's ok to run around naked in public.  Especially, if you look like me.

So that is what to post about expect here.  You're welcome to read and comment, you're welcome to disagree, but lets keep on topic.