The Broken Door

This is a story about how I'm a Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Person who is probably going to Hell for posting this.

Two of my friends just left my apartment this morning.  Grant and Jeffrey were visiting me for the past couple of days and I got to take them out to dinner and they got to experience Indianapolis for a little bit.  We also played The Settlers of Catan and watched The Fantastic Mr. Fox.

And they broke my door.

It wasn't their fault though.  The apartment is old.  The door is old.  The hinge is old.  The door frame is old. The nails that hold the old door to the old hinge to the old door frame is also old. 

Technically, they didn't break my door.  The nails just came loose from the door frame.  Not a big deal.  I've called maintenance and they are basically fixing it as we speak.

Now, this is why I am evil...

1:38pm - I sent Grant and Jeffrey the following e-mail.  Completely fake and based on language that was used in an email I received from my apartment regarding a heating issue last month.

[ Click to Enlarge ]

I guess the only thing that might save my soul from eternal damnation, is that I told their parents before I did all of this.  Anyway, let's continue.

I sent them both a text at 1:39pm, and it simply read, "Please check your email when you can."

Needless to say, Grant started giving birth to a metaphorical bovine.

1:42pm – FROM: Grant
it wnt let me on my email .. wats up

1:43pm – TO: Grant
Where can I send you a message?

1:44pm – FROM: Grant
my phone

1:44pm – TO: Grant
It’s a long message.

Please check your email when you can.

1:45pm – FROM: Grant
whats it about

1:46pm – TO: Grant
I’d rather not explain over text.  Just try to get to your email.

Please check your email when you can.

1:47pm – FROM: Grant
 is it about the door ?

1:47pm – TO: Grant
Yeah. My apt has put me in a tough situation with it

Please check your email when you can.

1:48pm – FROM: Grant
I didn’t even break it tho .. it was already like that .. next person to open that door wudve done the same thing .. I jus happened to be that person

1:49pm – TO: Grant
just read the e-mail please

1:56pm – FROM: Grant
 that is absolutely absurd! That called maintenance wanting money out of you and too lazy to replace it themselves....

1:58pm – TO: Grant
 I just asked them, and they reminded me of the apartment contract agreement.  They cover, “normal wear and tear.” They consider this, “excessive use.” L

1:59pm – FROM: Grant
 that wood being old is normal wear and tear

2:01pm – TO: Grant
I know! I Know! Let me talk with them.  I’ll let you know when I hear back.

2:01pm – FROM: Grant
ok

Jeffrey seemed to be a little more level-headed.

1:39pm – TO: Jeffrey
Please check your email when you can.

1:44pm – FROM: Jeffrey
What?? Is this for real?

1:45pm – TO: Jeffrey
I’m really sorry... Just got the e-mail an hour ago.

1:48pm – FROM: Jeffrey
I’ll talk to my parents.. there are way easier and cheaper ways to fix it to if u are allowed to do it on ur own.

1:50pm – TO: Jeffrey
I’ll ask them.  I’ll let you know as soon as I find out anything

1:54pm – FROM: Jeffrey
Alright

1:54pm – FROM: Jeffrey
Did they look at it?

1:55pm – TO: Jeffrey
The e-mail said they did.

1:56pm – FROM: Jeffrey
Thats ridiculous then.  They should’ve been able to see that the wood just wouldn’t hold a screw.

I'm going to break the news to them tonight by sending them the link to this blog post.

-- John D.

Hourly Comic Day - 2013

-- John D.

To Be Continued...

--John D.

Mystery Can Ten

I remember a simpler and happier time. A time when birds used to sing joyful songs. A time when children didn't live in constant fear. A time when canned food had labels.

That time doesn't exist anymore.

I also remember a time when I made wise decisions.

Choosing to eat leftovers from earlier this week was not a wise decision. Leftovers consisted of: a tuna sandwich, yams, and jalapeño helper.

I guess I still had some hope in the world. I figured, "I have consumed a lot of terrible things this week. It can't get any worse right?"

Right?

This little can looked so tame and friendly. Like a bengal tiger behind a cage. It can't hurt you as long as it is in it's cage.

That can looks like it wouldn't hurt a fly.

Needless to say, I had no fear until I opened the can and saw this…

[[ WARNING: These pictures are graphic, disturbing, and should be rated R. They make children cry more than those "sad helpless puppy" commercials. If you have a weak stomach, please refrain from reading any more, and please do not look at the pictures. ]]

[[ I'm serious. ]]

Fish.

To be more specific: Canned Fish

To be even more specific: Canned Chub Mackerel.

I think I went fishing for Chub with my uncle once. I remember fishing for them under a bridge. They were a fun fish to catch because you didn't have to wait very long until you caught one on your line.

This was not the same "fun" fish that I remember.

This was a very terrible fish.

Now I had to look at my leftover options. There wasn't much to work with. I didn't want to heat up the fish on the stove (my house mates were already complaining about the smell, and I just opened the can). So I did what any logical person would do.

I put the fish on my tuna sandwich.

Fish + Fish = Fish

Fish + Yams = Terrifying

Fish + Jalapeño Helper = Dangerous

I decided that "Fish + Fish = Fish" was my best equation.

Surprisingly, it was not as bad as the coconut milk.

Let me rephrase that last statement.

It was as bad as the coconut milk, but it did not attempt to trigger my gag-reflex.

For a closer look at the chub mackerel, scroll down a little bit.

My stomach was officially hating me. It knew something was horribly wrong, and it didn't know how to make things better. Much like a child who has soiled itself. All it can do is cry until someone can make things better.

So I tried to make things better.

If you want a baby to stop crying…

you feed it ice-cream!

Right?

Perhaps this stomach/infant analogy was not very accurate.

Eventually I ate a graham cracker, drank a big glass of milk, and brushed my teeth. Nothing seemed to work.

Salvation.

--John D.

Mystery Can Nine

Taco Night.

Here's the can.

Here's what was in it.

Beets.

Here's my burrito and my beets.

I ate them both.

I'm mentally checked out of this game.

--John D.