I don't know if anyone reads this, anymore. If you do, you probably think I'm a chronically depressed, negative person. Not true! Most of the time, I'm actually a pretty happy person. The thing is, when life is happy and smooth, I don't really feel a need to write. I'm able to just let my emotions out and share them with the world!  I've resorted back to writing lately as an outlet.

Tonight, a friend asked if I was headed to bed early, stating that I looked tired. I told him I still had stuff to do around the house, so I'd be up for a while. All true, but what I didn't say was ...yes, I'm exhausted, but all the sleep in the world won't fix this right now. I'm mentally and emotionally exhausted. I'm being tugged so many different ways right now and I don't even know where to start or how to feel!

1. Dating./relationships..or the non existence of it...I think I covered that! Still feeling confused, rejected, dejected, and all the rest....

2. Nephew #6 and now nephew/niece #7 are soon to put in an appearance. I'm excited about this, I really am! And yet, hearing about it only intensifies the deep ache and longing inside for a family of my own. I want to be thrilled that there are more babies coming for me to love  and bawl my eyes out at the same time!

3. Living with my sister is a special kind of challenge. She's just learning to be an adult...at 25.  She doesn't understand me and gets so frustrated when I don't understand her.  I just want her to be an adult and realize the responsibities of adulthood and act on them....she wants me to spell them out for her, hold her hand through it all and even somewhat do it for her! I can't, she needs to figure out some stuff for herself!! [plus- the girl seems to turn all family conversations around to dating/marriage/yadda yadda...did I mention these are sore subjects for me right now?!!!]

4. My oldest brother and his wife are talking about moving their family to Tennessee soon.. This just hurts! That's so far away! I know they need to do whatever is right for their family, but they ARE my family! I'm already too far from them!

5. My parents seem to always be at odds. The tension in that home is an unpredictable, but always present, thing to contend with. This weekend I was hoping for a really good Dad hug. You know, the kind of hug that says, "I love you and I'm here for you and I'll protect you and always be here!"? Well, I got a halfhearted, "Good to see ya, kiddo" hug, at best. Seems they were fighting about who knows what, again!

So yeah, I'm tired...and I really just need to be held for a good long time...

Perhaps

The dating world is, and always has been, a huge complicated mess to me. I seem to be attracted to emotionally unavailable men and in turn attract oddballs, psychos, the socially maladjusted. I've never had an actual long term romantic relationship, yet this hasn't stopped me from managing to have my heart broken several times over. I've built up a number of walls around me over the years and am very reluctant to let anyone in. My experience is that once I've given a guy a glimpse of the inner me, they say, "Nice, but I'm not interested, thanks!". Once again in the friend zone!

Lately, I've been contemplating withdrawing myself from the dating scene altogether , once again. I'm  really tired. Tired of the emotional roller coaster. Tired of not knowing from one moment to the next where I stand. Tired of hurting. Tired of dreaming and wishing for the impossible.

Yet, I still hang in there. Why? Perhaps because I'll never reach my dearest dreams any other way? Perhaps because I'm strong and can make it through? Perhaps because I'm an idiot?