I wish I could explain to my dear, dear, married friends the paralyzing fear I face when I consider rocking my fragile social boat and attempting to reach for more. I love my guy friends. Their friendship, support, and just being there means the world to me. I am not interested in dating anyone else, but I also am scared to death to lose these friendships, or even seeing them change for the worse. I dread the thought of not having the easygoing interactions we have. Not having these friendships would leave me wide open and alone again. Not acting changes nothing. I'm in a rut, paralyzed with fear and unable to move...any direction.

It's a gorgeous night. I'm out at my parents' place, in the country. The heat of the day has passed. The stars are twinkling brightly above, in innumerable splendor that can only be seen when far from the light pollution of the city. In the distant north, a thunderstorm is raging away. It's far enough from us for the thunder to be inaudible, but Heavenly Father's light show is riveting. The clouds are flashing back and forth, competing for brilliance.

It's nights like this when I crave companionship. To throw sleeping bags out and lie, gazing at the stars together, marveling in the natural wonders... To cuddle and dream together, talking of hopes and visions of eternity...

Someday, maybe?

To the person who, very skeptically and scornfully, said, "YOU know what it's like to be rejected? When were you ever rejected?"...thank you! You did a pretty thorough job of rejecting me, yourself. You rejected me physically, mentally, and emotionally. When you were done with me and just walked away without a word or backward glance, you left behind a bruised, battered, emotional wreck. But, you didn't break me. I'm stronger than that. I'm better than that. I won't be back on my feet, in full fighting condition, right away, but I'm getting there...one step at a time. I will be stronger, better, happier. So, thank you for that.

Thank you for teaching me that I deserve better. I deserve someone who loves me with their whole heart. Someone who isn't so afraid to let me in that he pushes me completely away. Someone who keeps his promises to me. Someone who truly is a best friend. Someone who wants to be my companion, work together, grow together. Someone who cares what I need. Someone who sees our relationship as a top priority. Someone who truly wants me, the way I am, body, mind, and soul. When I find him, I will know that I deserve him....thanks to you.

I don't know if anyone reads this, anymore. If you do, you probably think I'm a chronically depressed, negative person. Not true! Most of the time, I'm actually a pretty happy person. The thing is, when life is happy and smooth, I don't really feel a need to write. I'm able to just let my emotions out and share them with the world!  I've resorted back to writing lately as an outlet.

Tonight, a friend asked if I was headed to bed early, stating that I looked tired. I told him I still had stuff to do around the house, so I'd be up for a while. All true, but what I didn't say was ...yes, I'm exhausted, but all the sleep in the world won't fix this right now. I'm mentally and emotionally exhausted. I'm being tugged so many different ways right now and I don't even know where to start or how to feel!

1. Dating./relationships..or the non existence of it...I think I covered that! Still feeling confused, rejected, dejected, and all the rest....

2. Nephew #6 and now nephew/niece #7 are soon to put in an appearance. I'm excited about this, I really am! And yet, hearing about it only intensifies the deep ache and longing inside for a family of my own. I want to be thrilled that there are more babies coming for me to love  and bawl my eyes out at the same time!

3. Living with my sister is a special kind of challenge. She's just learning to be an adult...at 25.  She doesn't understand me and gets so frustrated when I don't understand her.  I just want her to be an adult and realize the responsibities of adulthood and act on them....she wants me to spell them out for her, hold her hand through it all and even somewhat do it for her! I can't, she needs to figure out some stuff for herself!! [plus- the girl seems to turn all family conversations around to dating/marriage/yadda yadda...did I mention these are sore subjects for me right now?!!!]

4. My oldest brother and his wife are talking about moving their family to Tennessee soon.. This just hurts! That's so far away! I know they need to do whatever is right for their family, but they ARE my family! I'm already too far from them!

5. My parents seem to always be at odds. The tension in that home is an unpredictable, but always present, thing to contend with. This weekend I was hoping for a really good Dad hug. You know, the kind of hug that says, "I love you and I'm here for you and I'll protect you and always be here!"? Well, I got a halfhearted, "Good to see ya, kiddo" hug, at best. Seems they were fighting about who knows what, again!

So yeah, I'm tired...and I really just need to be held for a good long time...

Perhaps

The dating world is, and always has been, a huge complicated mess to me. I seem to be attracted to emotionally unavailable men and in turn attract oddballs, psychos, the socially maladjusted. I've never had an actual long term romantic relationship, yet this hasn't stopped me from managing to have my heart broken several times over. I've built up a number of walls around me over the years and am very reluctant to let anyone in. My experience is that once I've given a guy a glimpse of the inner me, they say, "Nice, but I'm not interested, thanks!". Once again in the friend zone!

Lately, I've been contemplating withdrawing myself from the dating scene altogether , once again. I'm  really tired. Tired of the emotional roller coaster. Tired of not knowing from one moment to the next where I stand. Tired of hurting. Tired of dreaming and wishing for the impossible.

Yet, I still hang in there. Why? Perhaps because I'll never reach my dearest dreams any other way? Perhaps because I'm strong and can make it through? Perhaps because I'm an idiot?

Working my butt off...

Apparently, getting my asthma under better control is one of the best things I've done in quite a while. I say 'one of ' because getting back on the workout bandwagon is one as well. Of course, one is made possible by the other...yada yada...so, all together good things are happening. I'd forgotten how good it feels to seriously work out. I don't mean just occasionally or halfheartedly, but REALLY work out. Like 1-2 hours/day at the gym 4-5 days a week, full body aches, heart pounding, sweating like a mad woman working out. It feels AMAZING!

Working out with a friend is another one of those best things I was talking about. If you haven't done it, you should try it. We motivate, push and inspire each other to work harder and longer. There are times when one or the other of us feels like slowing down or stopping and just have to see the other one plugging along and get remotivated.  

Today, my friend and I swam laps for 45 minutes, then proceeded to the stationary bikes for a 6.5 mile ride. Nice, fancy stationary bikes, with preprogrammed routes. You can see the other rider and programmed terrain on your lovely simulation screen. And, for the very first time, I actually passed up my friend! It may have had something to do with the fact she kicked my butt swimming laps, or that she hasn't been able to work out much lately or feeling very well, but still, I actually passed her! She runs circles around me and swims laps ahead of me in the pool, so this was a major triumph for me. And, even more motivation.

Dang luck

After 15 years of being able to manage my asthma with only occasional meds and rescue inhalers, my luck ran out.
My allergies have been CRAZY lately. It seems like I'm always stuffed up, despite allergy meds. I've even doubled up with Benadryl at times. Still, I'm sniffly. With this, my lungs have been touchy. Two weeks ago, I tried going to the gym. I started wheezing early on into my workout, but persevered. I continued to wheeze off and on for 24 hours, unable to relax and breathe deeply.
I put off going to the doctor because I was SURE I could handle it myself. I absolutely hate going to the doctor. I avoid it if I can help it and tend to only go when I'm really sick or injured. Things eventually resolved and I told myself, "No big deal, see?? It went away!"
I'm trying to get more healthy lately.My friend Sarah and I are challenging each other to get and stay active.
Friday, we worked out and I wheezed a bit, but was able to get things under control. Today, not so much. When I was still wheezing actively over an hour later, I figured it was time to go see someone about my asthma.
Well, to cut this story a bit shorter, the doctor determined that my more frequent asthma attacks merit some maintenance meds and I am back on steroids. Steroids were one of the major causes of my weight gains as a teenager. They make me irritable, moody, break out, sometimes jittery, but...they do help me breathe. Here's hoping I can get things back under control and wean off again!!!!

This (just past) Christmas, I had a really hard time getting enthused about the holiday. Sure, I went shopping, totally spoiled my nephews, spent time with family...yada yada. But, somehow, I couldn't FEEL the season. The weather's been unseasonably warm, we've had almost no snow...it just didn't feel right. I set up my creches and figurines in my living room, but the lights, ornaments, and tree never put in an appearance. Other than the opening of presents on Christmas Day and the wonderful Christmas Sacrament meeting (church service), it was just a very pleasant family oriented week. (Oh and lest I forget, the great fun I had being a Secret Santa at work, of course :))

Now, I've never been one to really celebrate Valentines' Day much. I've never had a sweetheart at the time to be all mushy with, or really had much use for it. For a while, a couple of roommates and I used to celebrate the day as S.A.D. (Singles' Awareness Day). We would dress in  black, have a big potluck dinner/party with all of our single friends, etc.

I really can't quite explain it, but this year, I am actually pretty excited about this holiday...for probably the first time EVER. I've crocheted two heart garlands...one for my house and one for the NICU. I've been researching Valentines' recipes. I'm even considering making homemade Valentines for my friends. What changed? Who knows? But, I kinda like it. :)

Last night, I started playing around with my family tree. As I delved deeper and deeper, I began to see the hugeness of it all. The more generations back I traveled, the more people out there in the wide world had information on my ancestors...their ancestors, too! It's a wonderful, overwhelming, awe-inspiring feeling to know that I'm a part of something so grand in scale. There are hundreds, thousands, probably hundreds of thousands of people out there who share some link with me. None of us are alone! We all are a part of one huge human family. It's truly magnificent!

There are lots of reasons to love July 4th... Celebrating the 'birth' of our country, fireworks, family time, good food, patriotism, my birthday...Oh yeah, did I mention I have the best birthday EVER?! This year, we had many good times at my parents, only missing Char and Aaron :(.

Along with the gorgeous, funny, energetic nephews and all the family time, the most memorable moment of the weekend came on Sunday night. We had been shooting off fireworks, going through the bottle rockets, Roman candles, fountains, sparklers, etc., until we had it narrowed down to the mortars (the big ones that shoot way up and then explode in a huge way). Keep in mind that by 'we', I mean Nathan, Sam, and Caleb. The rest of us were pretty much watching. They were down to just about the last mortar and asked if any of the rest of us wanted to do the honors. Kate decided to give it a go.

By this point, it was quite dark outside, and the fireworks were being lit at least a good 30 feet away from us. We couldn't see the mechanics or specifics of the lighting of the fireworks, just the results. Kate walked over to the fireworks, received a moment's instruction...aka, "Make sure the flat end goes down", and then she was set free to light it on her own. Kate lit the firework, and as she walked away, both Sam and Nathan seemed to notice something odd simultaneously. "Um, Kate, did you put that in a tube???!!!" "No, was I supposed to?!"... I've never seen the group of us dive for cover faster, with the boys leading the way.

After the firework took off in some random, yet to be discovered direction and the heartrates slowed and breathing was restored, the laughing began! Poor Kate didn't know that the firework required being place in a tube that serves as a launcher! I doubt not, nonetheless, that she will be hearing about this for years to come!

Happy Independence Day one and all (even a day late). May you recognize the sacrifices that have been made in others' lives for your freedom and ability to have this great land to live and thrive in!