So Many Mixed Emotions

Tonight Mo and I attended our first adoption informational meeting with a local church.  In our area, there is a non-profit, Christian-based organization that works hand in hand with the DHS in finding foster and adoptive homes for the children in its custody.  Basically the premise is that they help you with the paperwork, speed up the process a little by providing more convenient training times, and as such hope to draw more families in to care for needy children. As I told Mo, I can put up with a little "God-talk" if it helps this process along a bit faster! :-)

Because of this meeting, I've run the gamut of emotion today.  Mo and I have talked of attending this meeting for several months.  But, for some reason, as it approached tonight, I found myself dreading it.  To be honest, I was looking for reasons to not go.  I was cranky and almost called it off.  I'm glad I didn't.

I didn't learn anything at all at the session (it was basically a Powerpoin.t of what they have posted on their website), but I did get a chance to talk to Mo.  And, amazingly, we are somehow on the same page again.  I don't know how it happened, but he's done a complete 180 from where he was after our last loss in August.  He actually looked at me tonight and said, "We're going to be parents.  I don't care how. "  I swear, my heart did triple flips.

I was so nervous going into the meeting, not knowing what to expect.  And, I will admit, there was a bit of bitterness/resentfulness that I even had to attend this meeting -- why can't we just have a baby the "normal" way????  Why does this have to be so hard?

But by the end of the evening, I was feeling happy and calm once again.  We have a plan.  We have no answers, no idea HOW we're going to make this work.  But -- we have a plan.  And we all know how much Jo loves her plans.

Basically, we've decided to keep all of our options open for the time being.  We are going forward with the FET sometime in January/February, depending on when we can get the cycle timed.  I'm still not holding out much hope for that, but I can't NOT take the risk.  We are also going to go ahead and complete all the paperwork through this agency/DHS.  It's free, it will get us a state-approved homestudy on the books, and it may even lead somewhere.  (Mo is more hopeful of this than I am, so we shall see).  We have agreed to be very specific about the type of situation we will accept, even knowing that this will prolong our wait.  Some very good friends of ours have recently (within the last two years) gone through this exact process.  They have been parenting two beautiful little girls since they were 11 months and 22 months old.  After being told many times that the parental rights were being terminated and that they would be able to adopt the girls, the judge very recently reversed her position and my friend is losing her daughters (who are now 3 and 4 years old) in the next few weeks to what she knows is a terrible home life.  It is beyond heartbreaking, and I simply cannot put Mo and myself into a similar situation.  We can't foster, knowing that re-unification with birthparents is the goal.  That being said, we know (or at least I do) that we may wait a very long time for an infant to become available that is free to adopt outright.  But, by having everything completed, if such a situation does turn up, we will be ready.

We also discussed being open to sibling groups (provided that they are a fairly young group).  We have always wanted a big family (we planned on four, before IF was in the picture), and if we can build our family "overnight" than all the better.  Again, I'm not banking on anything -- I'm simply putting us into the realm of possibility.

If all goes according to plan,we will be open and waiting in a few months time.  We will have finished our final FET, and have made a plan for future treatments (which will not, we've agreed, include IVF again).  I am still waiting to broach the idea of DS or DEmbryo with Mo -- both are fairly inexpensive, and would finally answer the question of whether or not I can carry a pregnancy. Plus, they have the added benefit of not having to risk a disrupted adoption down the line.  If that doesn't work, or if we wait a while and don't get placed with DHS, we will begin looking into either hiring a lawyer and searching for a private adoption, or contacting an agency.  So far, the big ones in our area are well out of our price range, but there are some smaller agencies that we may be able to afford.

I am excited to be doing SOMETHING concrete again.  Waiting, and being lapped over and over again (another colleague announced her pregnancy this week -- ugh), is just not leaving me in a good place.  I need things to do, even if those things are a long-shot.  And so I'm off to gather paperwork, and check things off a list, and hopefully take a few more baby steps toward my future child(ren).  I love you kiddos, wherever you are, and hope that you will hurry up and come on home to me.

No, Actually, I'm NOT That Excited For You

I've kind of disappeared from the blogosphere lately, and for good reason.  My life is gratefully undramatic as of late, what with the daily routine of work, come home, work some more, go to bed, get up, go to work, yadda, yadda, yadda.  We've had some good moments, sure, with friends and family -- but mostly we're just killing time and trying to survive the holidays.

We are about to embark upon the two months that contain the majority of the Dates-I-Would-Like-To-Forget-But-Can't.  But mostly, mostly, we're just waiting.  Hoping not to ruin another holiday, waiting for January to try again, and likely fail, so that we can finally Move. On.

In the meantime, I keep being lapped.  Several bloggers I've read from the beginning of their journeys now have two or even three little ones at home.  I'm not going to lament this fact too aggressively -- I've said it too many times before, and having been on this damn road for an official DECADE in January, it is simply status quo.  But I will say this -- I am tired of pretending, and that's why I've largely dropped off the face of the IF planet.

I am tired of pretending to be happy at anyone else's good fortune.  We all like to pretend that a win for another infertile is a win for us all, but it's not.  I know I can't really blame anyone else for continuing treatments, or moving on to adoption -- but its so frustrating to watch others keep going, doing cycle after cycle, while we sit and twiddle our thumbs.  The bottom line is that I am NOT happy for anyone else who gets their baby, while my arms remain empty.  I could lie and tell you that I am -- but I'm not.  And that's not a popular view in these parts.  It's honest, but who wants to hear it?

I hate what IF has made me.  I hate that I cannot trust my body to conceive and carry a child, nor can I trust the system to bring me my heart's desire without emotional trauma and serious financial hurdles.  I hate that I can't be happy for you -- all of you -- who are crossing over.  But I'm not, and so I stay away.

November 17th was, according to the great Jimm.y Kim.mel, Nat.ional Un.Friend Day.  I took it a step further -- not only did I unfriend close to a hundred people on FB, but I also cleaned up my reader.  I just can't keep torturing myself reading about everyone else's good fortune while I continue to stew in my own bitter juices.

So that's where I am, and why I'm silent.  I'm sure the hate mail will soon commence.  All I can say is -- I'm honest, sometimes to a fault.  We've all thought it -- I'm just the one who will say it out loud.

Ah, So THAT'S Where You've Been Hiding!

Dear Black Hole of Depression,

Your grip is tenacious, I will give you that.  You're a persistent SOB.  I really thought I'd outsmarted you this last time.  You stopped by for a brief visit after miscarriage #3, but quickly went your merry little way.  I was busy, I didn't have time to chat, I understand.  I was a terrible hostess.  I never even offered you the guest bedroom on your travels through town.

But now you're back.  And you seem to have no plans to leave.  You've set up shop, taking over not just that tiny guest bedroom, but leaving all your crap all over the house.  The living room is a wreck, and let's not even get started on the kitchen.  You're eating me out of house and home!  And, for your information, with two dogs and a husband, my bedroom is really crowded as it is.  You should really consider finding somewhere else to sleep.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that I'm surprised to see you, though really I shouldn't be.  Your visits have become fairly predictable, and fall is a favorite time of year for you.  Perhaps I was foolish to believe that your short weekend visit in August was all I would see of you this year.  But -- really -- do you have to make yourself so at home?  Do you have no manners?  Can you not tell when you're not wanted?

You're a clinging little viper, Depression, and you've spent more than your fair share of time in our neck of the woods.  My relationship with my husband is suffering.  My ability to do my job well has been compromised.  I've lost the ability to be nice to people -- you have that annoying way of working your way into every single conversation.  You're the first to find fault -- nothing and no one are ever good enough for you.  You're a pessimistic piss-on-everything problem-finder who pooh-poohs every potential solution before it's even fully proposed!*  And yet, despite my clear distaste for you and everything you stand for, you refuse to leave.

Well, Depression, it's time to pack your bags.  I've had enough.  I've put on a good show for the "outsiders," who really have no idea that you've been wreaking havoc.  And that's fine -- because I can take you down myself.  I may have to call in a few experts, but I've heard that Lexi is a pro** at giving you the boot.  If she's not successful, I've got a few more aces up my sleeve.  I WILL beat you, Depression.  You've got the upper hand right now, but I'm here to tell you that your time is limited.  I may have slacked off a little and let you get a bit out of hand -- but I'm reigning it in.  It's time I got my house -- and my life -- back.

Adios, Depression.  You won't be missed.

Your gracious (soon-to-be-ex) hostess,
Jo


* Alliteration, anyone? :-)
** Bonus points to all of you who got this reference. ;-P