Short, but oh so sweet!
I was welcomed home by an exuberant and enthusiastic spouse. . .so much so that I questioned who he was and what he had done with my husband! The house was sparkling, the dogs were groomed, and Mo was attentive, solicitious, and sweet.
He claims that this is the "new and improved" model and that he has indeed turned over a new leaf. I am hesitant to jump right on board this train, but am pleased with what I've seen this week anyway. Together we have maintained a much more equal status than before my trip, with division of household duties, expenses, etc. falling onto his shoulders to a greater extent than ever before. He's been cheerful about all of it -- which makes the skeptical me wonder how long before the other shoe drops.
---------------------------------------------
On another note, today was THE DAY that I've been dreading for a while. Today marks one year since Mo lost his father, and I expected it to be an emotional and exhausting day. While it turned out much more pleasant than I anticipated, I can't help but reflect on the grieving process we've all been through the past twelve months. Mo's grief has, I believe, been the catalyst for his bad behavior -- though it is no excuse. On the surface Mo seems to be in a much better place emotionally than he was 10, 8, or even 6 months ago. I'm not stupid, though -- I realize that I may never understand the depth of his grief, or how long it may take for him to emerge from it. I know enough from reading blogs about loss to know that he will never be the same, that the pain he feels will be with him every single day for the rest of his life. That somehow the best I can hope for is for him to mend, and to reach some understanding that he is irreversibly broken, yet still whole.
------------------------------------------------------
And so the shoe dropped. He was, of course, invited to play poker with some friends tonight. He did, of course, hem and haw about going. He said he wanted to stay in, that he wanted to spend time with me, that he wanted to be good. He said he knew I'd only been home four or five days and that he needed to build my trust more, to convince me that he was indeed a "new man." And then what? You know this drill -- he left anyway.
It's the same story all over again -- except it's not. This time, I'm not raging, I'm not bawling, and I'm not stressing. Because here is one thing I learned from going back to my mother's house: I will be okay. I am strong, I am capable, and I am loved. If Mo doesn't realize what a catch I am by now, then that's his loss. I did tell him (via phone) that this game really doesn't work for me any more. I told him that a relationship was a two way street that had to work for both people. His need to go out "with the boys" is not a scene I am really interested in anymore. I have grown up -- something I see that he clearly has not yet done.
And so we wait. We wait and see exactly how "improved" my Mo has really become. Will he come home by 1:00 a.m. as he claims? Will he make it in the morning to the church tutoring session as he promised our youth pastor? Will this be just one night -- or one of many?
I don't know, and in the past that would have made me crazy. But something in me has changed. I am finally learning to let go, and to be willing to wait and see what happens. I can't control the outcome anyway, so what's the use in stressing about it?
I've rambled on for too long now; I am tired and headed to bed. I didn't even get to share my AWESOME news (not baby-related, so don't panic). I'll leave you with that cliffhanger, and once again thank my bloggy friends for all of your support as I struggle and ramble through trying to make sense of this thing called life.
Hugs to you all.
Friday, July 24, 2009
Sunday, July 5, 2009
Happy F*#!ing Fourth!
That's what I felt like screaming out the door as Mo and Friend headed out about an hour ago (don't worry, I kept my sanity and did not do so). It's just -- well, typical.
I'm going to break my own rule, for a moment, and tell you a little story that really isn't mine to tell. I do this for background, so you can understand WHY I am so infuriated.
Mo was recently "let go" from his job. This is not a new situation; he has been released from just about every teaching job he has ever had at the end of the year. The reasons have been varied, including not keeping his certification current, taking too many days off (which he did a lot when his dad was sick), to this year's district restructuring, which resulted in the job loss of approximately 100 teachers who were on tenure-track (he would have received it this year). Anyway, I digress.
One of the reasons cited for Mo's not being invited back was that during his last evaluation, the television in his classroom was showing unauthorized TV (BET was on). Now, I know this is a stupid move on Mo's part, but hear me out. He had organized a food day for his students, something that as an ESE teacher they don't get often. He had spent a lot of his own money to feed them, cooked all day, and was given about an hour's notice of the observation. He tried to ask the AP to reschedule, but she did not. She arrived the last 15 minutes of class, and so witnessed only the "party" scene, and not any regular classroom instruction (this was the week before Finals Week).
One of Mo's biggest "beefs" (which I have listened to umpteen times this summer) was how his AP didn't even ACKNOWLEDGE all the good he was trying to do, the money and effort he spent, and instead focused on the negative.
That is exactly how I feel today. I spent over $150 on food, cooked and cleaned all day, entertained my neice, did several home improvements, waited on his grandfather, etc. etc. etc.
Instead of being acknowledged, I am "rewarded" by being ditched as he and Friend go out on the town (But, honey, it's Friend's last night in town! I never see him! It's been at least four months since we went out (not including two nights ago).
The same situation that he hated, reversed upon him. I pointed it out, too.
I called him shortly after he left, and I told him everything I just told you. I also told him that he didn't think I was serious. That he didn't really believe that I was thisclose to leaving behind the house, the pups, EVERYTHING just so that I could get some goddamned SLEEP at night and stop feeling so rejected. Because that's how I feel -- like somehow, I'm not enough. Oh, he tells me that's not true, he tells me how I am everything to him, BUT THEN HE LEAVES.
Tomorrow, I am going to break the code of silence. It's been broken before, but only when absolutely necessary. Before, it was necessary for his survival. Now, it is necessary for mine.*
I am going to tell a friend the truth, and I am going to ask her for help. I'm looking for a cheap hotel in which to spend the next few days before I head home. I've already told Mo that he and I have some serious issues to discuss when I return. He, of course, knows I'm pissed but thinks it will all have "blown over" by morning. I know he needs a wakeup call, and I hope that this will do the trick.
Because, as I told a bloggy friend when I responded to her email today, I am NOT FUCKING KIDDING ANYMORE.
-------------------------------
*Don't panic, I am not in any physical danger. Mo is an ass, but he's not a violent one.
I'm going to break my own rule, for a moment, and tell you a little story that really isn't mine to tell. I do this for background, so you can understand WHY I am so infuriated.
Mo was recently "let go" from his job. This is not a new situation; he has been released from just about every teaching job he has ever had at the end of the year. The reasons have been varied, including not keeping his certification current, taking too many days off (which he did a lot when his dad was sick), to this year's district restructuring, which resulted in the job loss of approximately 100 teachers who were on tenure-track (he would have received it this year). Anyway, I digress.
One of the reasons cited for Mo's not being invited back was that during his last evaluation, the television in his classroom was showing unauthorized TV (BET was on). Now, I know this is a stupid move on Mo's part, but hear me out. He had organized a food day for his students, something that as an ESE teacher they don't get often. He had spent a lot of his own money to feed them, cooked all day, and was given about an hour's notice of the observation. He tried to ask the AP to reschedule, but she did not. She arrived the last 15 minutes of class, and so witnessed only the "party" scene, and not any regular classroom instruction (this was the week before Finals Week).
One of Mo's biggest "beefs" (which I have listened to umpteen times this summer) was how his AP didn't even ACKNOWLEDGE all the good he was trying to do, the money and effort he spent, and instead focused on the negative.
That is exactly how I feel today. I spent over $150 on food, cooked and cleaned all day, entertained my neice, did several home improvements, waited on his grandfather, etc. etc. etc.
Instead of being acknowledged, I am "rewarded" by being ditched as he and Friend go out on the town (But, honey, it's Friend's last night in town! I never see him! It's been at least four months since we went out (not including two nights ago).
The same situation that he hated, reversed upon him. I pointed it out, too.
I called him shortly after he left, and I told him everything I just told you. I also told him that he didn't think I was serious. That he didn't really believe that I was thisclose to leaving behind the house, the pups, EVERYTHING just so that I could get some goddamned SLEEP at night and stop feeling so rejected. Because that's how I feel -- like somehow, I'm not enough. Oh, he tells me that's not true, he tells me how I am everything to him, BUT THEN HE LEAVES.
Tomorrow, I am going to break the code of silence. It's been broken before, but only when absolutely necessary. Before, it was necessary for his survival. Now, it is necessary for mine.*
I am going to tell a friend the truth, and I am going to ask her for help. I'm looking for a cheap hotel in which to spend the next few days before I head home. I've already told Mo that he and I have some serious issues to discuss when I return. He, of course, knows I'm pissed but thinks it will all have "blown over" by morning. I know he needs a wakeup call, and I hope that this will do the trick.
Because, as I told a bloggy friend when I responded to her email today, I am NOT FUCKING KIDDING ANYMORE.
-------------------------------
*Don't panic, I am not in any physical danger. Mo is an ass, but he's not a violent one.
Friday, July 3, 2009
Two Steps Forward, One (Major) Step Back
*Please be forewarned, this is a very lengthy post. If you've not got time, come back later. My feelings won't be hurt, I promise!
-------------------------------
I knew it was coming.
Mo's college friend, a fellow "Good Guy" who does "Bad Things" (i.e. staying out way too late to do anyone any good) was coming into town. He was bringing his girlfriend, and her daughter. They were to stay with us over the 4th, enjoying BBQ's and good times.
I know about his propensity for spending time in bars, so before he even arrived I asked Mo, "Are you going out?" I wanted to prepare myself for whatever the evening had in store.
"No," he assured me. "I'm not going to put all that on you." Meaning, of course, leaving me at home to entertain the girlfriend and daughter while he and his friend acted like single college guys out on the town.
Stupid, stupid me -- I actually believed him.
As I am writing this post at 1:30 in the morning, you can clearly guess how this situation turned out.
What pisses me off the most is that he had the nerve to call me into the bedroom to "talk" before he left. Like what was the fucking point? (I'm sorry, I don't usually swear, but I am, well, pissed). I told him that, too. Why ask my permission? We both knew it wouldn't matter what I said -- if I was mad or not -- he was going to do what he wanted to do. He swore he'd be home early. As they didn't leave until after 1, I doubt that.
I didn't hold back. I told him how stupid I felt for believing his promises. I told him how this was just another example of him choosing his friends over me. I told him that I was foolish for believing him, over and over again, thinking that one of these days he would GROW UP.
He said something very revealing then.
"I thought being grown up was taking care of your bills and stuff."
Huh.
"You don't take care of ME, " I replied.
"Oh, I don't?"
"No. You pay your half of the bills, but as far as my NEEDS go, you don't take care of those."
He tried to turn it around on me then, as I knew he would. Our little argument is a perfect excuse for him to feel justified in going out and staying out as long as he feels like it. "Fuck this," he said. And off he and Friend went. (It should be noted that Friend couldn't look me in the eye on the way out -- he knows he is the driving force behind it this time, and knew I was not happy about it).
This feels like a breaking point for me. It may seem stupid, and I know Mo will play it off as a minor thing. But to me, it's not even about being a good host and doing what your guest wants to do. It's about Mo's continuous choices to do whatever the hell he wants and his expectations that I will still be here when he gets back.
I have five days until I go home for two weeks to visit my family (including my niece). Five days until I can get enough space to think a bit more clearly, without constantly worrying about Mo and his state of mind. I'm tempted to try to find a friend I can stay with until then. The only problem is that all of "my" friends are "our" friends. If I tell them everything that is going on, Mo will be embarrassed and upset. Of course, right now I am upset, so why am I worried about how he is going to feel? He certainly isn't worried about my feelings. Plus, technically, I don't have a car right now. My car is in the shop getting the A/C worked on. It should be able to be picked up tomorrow -- but guess who is going to have to take me to go get it?
I really am at a loss as to what to do. I have choices -- I keep telling myself that. I don't HAVE to put up with this. I can find someone to take me to get my car, I can find a hotel if I need to for the next five days. Or I can play the good hostess, make sure Mo's family and friends have a good time (knowing the entire time that MY ability to have a good time has been eroded over the years to the point where it's next to impossible to relax), then leave on Monday.
But then what? What happens when I come back in two weeks? Mo has already refused to leave, as I have asked him to in the past when things got rough. The house (which is in both our names) is mortgaged only in my name. If I leave, I run the risk of losing both my credit and the house -- because how will I know if he's paying the note? I can't afford to continue to pay the mortgage AND pay for an apartment. And it doesn't seem fair that I should give up the house that I pressed so hard for us to buy, that I did all of the paperwork for, that we wouldn't even have if I hadn't pushed and pushed and pushed, insisting that this was the ONLY way we'd ever have enough money to finance our fertility treatments.
I know some of you are sitting there reading this (if you've bothered to get this far) and are thinking "What the hell is her problem? Why doesn't she just LEAVE already? My ass would have been long gone." And I get that. I really do. I just don't have the answer. Why haven't I left? Mo clearly isn't working very hard to keep me here. Sure, he makes promises and acts contrite for a few days, but then he is back to his old habits.
I need more. I need to know that he is willing to work to save this marriage. This weekend might not be the best time to tell him that, as I do feel a sort of obligation to be a good hostess to our guests (damn that Southern upbringing!) But I just don't think he truly GETS it that I am at my breaking point. Not only do I not want to live like this, I no longer think that I CAN.
I am emotional right now, I know. I always feel this way when he "ditches" me and goes out with his buddies late at night. When I'm emotional I tend to see only the bad and none of the good. But part of me wonders -- does the good outweigh the bad anymore?
When we were in therapy last fall, and I still wasn't ready to give up on our marriage, my mother told me that I wouldn't be able to walk away until I was sure I had done everything in my power to save it.
The thing is, I finally feel like I have.
-------------------------------
I knew it was coming.
Mo's college friend, a fellow "Good Guy" who does "Bad Things" (i.e. staying out way too late to do anyone any good) was coming into town. He was bringing his girlfriend, and her daughter. They were to stay with us over the 4th, enjoying BBQ's and good times.
I know about his propensity for spending time in bars, so before he even arrived I asked Mo, "Are you going out?" I wanted to prepare myself for whatever the evening had in store.
"No," he assured me. "I'm not going to put all that on you." Meaning, of course, leaving me at home to entertain the girlfriend and daughter while he and his friend acted like single college guys out on the town.
Stupid, stupid me -- I actually believed him.
As I am writing this post at 1:30 in the morning, you can clearly guess how this situation turned out.
What pisses me off the most is that he had the nerve to call me into the bedroom to "talk" before he left. Like what was the fucking point? (I'm sorry, I don't usually swear, but I am, well, pissed). I told him that, too. Why ask my permission? We both knew it wouldn't matter what I said -- if I was mad or not -- he was going to do what he wanted to do. He swore he'd be home early. As they didn't leave until after 1, I doubt that.
I didn't hold back. I told him how stupid I felt for believing his promises. I told him how this was just another example of him choosing his friends over me. I told him that I was foolish for believing him, over and over again, thinking that one of these days he would GROW UP.
He said something very revealing then.
"I thought being grown up was taking care of your bills and stuff."
Huh.
"You don't take care of ME, " I replied.
"Oh, I don't?"
"No. You pay your half of the bills, but as far as my NEEDS go, you don't take care of those."
He tried to turn it around on me then, as I knew he would. Our little argument is a perfect excuse for him to feel justified in going out and staying out as long as he feels like it. "Fuck this," he said. And off he and Friend went. (It should be noted that Friend couldn't look me in the eye on the way out -- he knows he is the driving force behind it this time, and knew I was not happy about it).
This feels like a breaking point for me. It may seem stupid, and I know Mo will play it off as a minor thing. But to me, it's not even about being a good host and doing what your guest wants to do. It's about Mo's continuous choices to do whatever the hell he wants and his expectations that I will still be here when he gets back.
I have five days until I go home for two weeks to visit my family (including my niece). Five days until I can get enough space to think a bit more clearly, without constantly worrying about Mo and his state of mind. I'm tempted to try to find a friend I can stay with until then. The only problem is that all of "my" friends are "our" friends. If I tell them everything that is going on, Mo will be embarrassed and upset. Of course, right now I am upset, so why am I worried about how he is going to feel? He certainly isn't worried about my feelings. Plus, technically, I don't have a car right now. My car is in the shop getting the A/C worked on. It should be able to be picked up tomorrow -- but guess who is going to have to take me to go get it?
I really am at a loss as to what to do. I have choices -- I keep telling myself that. I don't HAVE to put up with this. I can find someone to take me to get my car, I can find a hotel if I need to for the next five days. Or I can play the good hostess, make sure Mo's family and friends have a good time (knowing the entire time that MY ability to have a good time has been eroded over the years to the point where it's next to impossible to relax), then leave on Monday.
But then what? What happens when I come back in two weeks? Mo has already refused to leave, as I have asked him to in the past when things got rough. The house (which is in both our names) is mortgaged only in my name. If I leave, I run the risk of losing both my credit and the house -- because how will I know if he's paying the note? I can't afford to continue to pay the mortgage AND pay for an apartment. And it doesn't seem fair that I should give up the house that I pressed so hard for us to buy, that I did all of the paperwork for, that we wouldn't even have if I hadn't pushed and pushed and pushed, insisting that this was the ONLY way we'd ever have enough money to finance our fertility treatments.
I know some of you are sitting there reading this (if you've bothered to get this far) and are thinking "What the hell is her problem? Why doesn't she just LEAVE already? My ass would have been long gone." And I get that. I really do. I just don't have the answer. Why haven't I left? Mo clearly isn't working very hard to keep me here. Sure, he makes promises and acts contrite for a few days, but then he is back to his old habits.
I need more. I need to know that he is willing to work to save this marriage. This weekend might not be the best time to tell him that, as I do feel a sort of obligation to be a good hostess to our guests (damn that Southern upbringing!) But I just don't think he truly GETS it that I am at my breaking point. Not only do I not want to live like this, I no longer think that I CAN.
I am emotional right now, I know. I always feel this way when he "ditches" me and goes out with his buddies late at night. When I'm emotional I tend to see only the bad and none of the good. But part of me wonders -- does the good outweigh the bad anymore?
When we were in therapy last fall, and I still wasn't ready to give up on our marriage, my mother told me that I wouldn't be able to walk away until I was sure I had done everything in my power to save it.
The thing is, I finally feel like I have.
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