So, I'm on my holiday at my sisters, all is well, a wonderful time is being had by all and then suddenly, yesterday evening, water begins to pour through the dining room ceiling! I will add here that the local friendly plumber was ensconced upstairs apparently fixing a minor problem with the heating system, things were obviously not going to any plan he had in mind!
This is not a good thing as you can imagine particularly on the day that is supposed to play host to my nieces sixteenth birthday celebration.
Minor panic ensued, I was the only adult in residence at the time (wouldn't you know it!), the kids were hastily organised into a small army of bucket collectors and mopping up-ers after I had located the electrical supply and killed it. Turning the water supply off was apparently irrelevant, the problem was a split in the base of the tank, whatever we did it was going to drain through the ceiling....all of it!
It began to resemble something from a Carry-On film, the place was chaos, the children were panicking worried the house might actually fall down, the plumber was mortified and cursing under his breath madly while trying his best to stem the flow, the house phone and my mobile were ringing off the hook with my mother trying to get ahold of me and more than a little ironically a rep. for an electricity company turned up on the doorstep and was particularly persistent, despite my explaining the situation and then left in a rather rude manner when it became apparent I wasn't going to 'entertain' him any longer!
Eventually the tank drained, new plans were hastily made for the birthday celebrations and everyone but myself and the plumber left. He did his thing, installed a new tank and got it up and running and I began the clearing up process. Only the electrics remain to be sorted out now.
Why do these things always seem to happen when I'm in proximity? I'm beginning to think I should come with a bloody health warning pinned to me!
Tuesday, 30 March 2010
Sunday, 28 March 2010
One year on!
It's been a year, to the day, since 'you know who' so perfunctorily dispatched me from his life and his home with barely a backwards glance.
And what a year it's been!
In that time I have had just two communications from him, both just email, the first to say he wasn't about to change his decision, the second when my father died to say he was 'sorry'. That was it, no further explanation, no nothing.
At the time I thought my heart would break, I had never felt anything so intensely painful before in my life, I was completely lost and with absolutely no real idea of how to move forward.
Subsequent to that, those who read here regularly will know that things didn't get a whole lot better, my father was diagnosed with terminal cancer and required nursing to his death just before Christmas, exactly a week before that a very good friend who had supported me throughout, also lost his battle with cancer and now my mother is needing pretty extensive help getting over her loss. I still don't have a job or a home of my own and I still have something of a mountain to climb to get my life back. But you know what? With the benefit of hindsight I can honestly say I would rather be where I'm at now than where I was a year ago.
I have learned a great deal in that year, yes, it had been almost unbearable at times and yes there has been many an occasion I would have cheerfully just curled up under a stone somewhere and died but for all that, I am me, I no longer have to pretend to be someone I'm not, I have my integrity and my self respect in tact and I'm proud of myself for 'making it' this far. I might be a little damaged and battered around the emotional edges, I might be a slightly different person to the blindly trusting one I was a year ago but I know now that without doubt, even if I had the opportunity to turn the clock back, I wouldn't.
I would rather be where I am today, with all it's difficulties, than be with someone who patently couldn't step up to the emotional plate.
His loss!
And what a year it's been!
In that time I have had just two communications from him, both just email, the first to say he wasn't about to change his decision, the second when my father died to say he was 'sorry'. That was it, no further explanation, no nothing.
At the time I thought my heart would break, I had never felt anything so intensely painful before in my life, I was completely lost and with absolutely no real idea of how to move forward.
Subsequent to that, those who read here regularly will know that things didn't get a whole lot better, my father was diagnosed with terminal cancer and required nursing to his death just before Christmas, exactly a week before that a very good friend who had supported me throughout, also lost his battle with cancer and now my mother is needing pretty extensive help getting over her loss. I still don't have a job or a home of my own and I still have something of a mountain to climb to get my life back. But you know what? With the benefit of hindsight I can honestly say I would rather be where I'm at now than where I was a year ago.
I have learned a great deal in that year, yes, it had been almost unbearable at times and yes there has been many an occasion I would have cheerfully just curled up under a stone somewhere and died but for all that, I am me, I no longer have to pretend to be someone I'm not, I have my integrity and my self respect in tact and I'm proud of myself for 'making it' this far. I might be a little damaged and battered around the emotional edges, I might be a slightly different person to the blindly trusting one I was a year ago but I know now that without doubt, even if I had the opportunity to turn the clock back, I wouldn't.
I would rather be where I am today, with all it's difficulties, than be with someone who patently couldn't step up to the emotional plate.
His loss!
Saturday, 27 March 2010
Let there be cake!
Well I made it and without incident, the crap car behaved reasonably admirably and the services of the local fire or rescue organisation were not required!
And it's all been good since then. Much teenage hilarity and shenanigans! My niece turns sixteen this week which is more than ample excuse for chocolate cake by the bucket load (she and I are from the same mould),I managed a whole relaxing nights sleep and this morning commenced with good coffee in the garden accompanied by sunshine, the rabbit and a multitude of frogs croaking merrily in the pond.
This is bliss and right now I have the remainder of the cake in my sights.....
And it's all been good since then. Much teenage hilarity and shenanigans! My niece turns sixteen this week which is more than ample excuse for chocolate cake by the bucket load (she and I are from the same mould),I managed a whole relaxing nights sleep and this morning commenced with good coffee in the garden accompanied by sunshine, the rabbit and a multitude of frogs croaking merrily in the pond.
This is bliss and right now I have the remainder of the cake in my sights.....
Friday, 26 March 2010
Heading off
Well, the crap car appears not to be showing any further signs of spontaneously combusting so I'm going to take the risk and head off on my small holiday-ette at lunch time today!
It's going to be a slow journey, I daren't hit the gas in any kind of very positive manner and it's Friday on the M1 but I can't wait, a week of nothing, fabulous!
I am however not that confident, I have my RAC membership card firmly in my grasp and my laptop will not be in the boot, rather on the seat next to me so that in the event of something 'interesting' occurring I can beat a hasty retreat with it in my hand!
Hell fire (pun intended), if the whole issue goes up in smoke, let it burn, I can live without the rest but just don't take my laptop too! ;)
I'll catch you at the other end, it may be a little more quiet here than usual while I'm away but doubtless I'll pop in and out....
It's going to be a slow journey, I daren't hit the gas in any kind of very positive manner and it's Friday on the M1 but I can't wait, a week of nothing, fabulous!
I am however not that confident, I have my RAC membership card firmly in my grasp and my laptop will not be in the boot, rather on the seat next to me so that in the event of something 'interesting' occurring I can beat a hasty retreat with it in my hand!
Hell fire (pun intended), if the whole issue goes up in smoke, let it burn, I can live without the rest but just don't take my laptop too! ;)
I'll catch you at the other end, it may be a little more quiet here than usual while I'm away but doubtless I'll pop in and out....
Wednesday, 24 March 2010
Fire and brimstone - another 'crap car' episode!
So...last night, in the wee small hours I drove home, bleary eyed as one does, parked up outside the house and suddenly became aware that the crap car was producing clouds of smoke and a particularly acrid burning smell!
This was not a good thing at such an hour and in the pouring rain I assure you. I knew it wasn't the brakes burning yet again, I am way too familiar with that particularly noxious 'scent', It wasn't electrical, I know that one too...but I just couldn't find from where it was coming and finally admitted defeat, having turned myself upside down on the wet road still to no avail.
Having given up I went indoors and went to bed. I didn't sleep of course, conscious, as the ex-wife of a fireman, that it's in no way unusual for faulty cars to suddenly ignite. Instead I spend the majority of what remained of the night keep poking my face out of the curtains to make sure I wasn't about to be responsible for something of a disturbance in the street.
This morning, miffed and concerned I checked all the fluid levels...poked around under the bonnet (hood for you lovely people in the U.S.), turned myself upside down underneath it again hunting for things amiss but nothing!
Next I called my brother who is way more able with things mechanical than I, he ran through a 'have you done this' list. I did what I hadn't but still nothing amiss so it was decided that best I 'suck it and see'. No other way to find out.
So, in trepidation I did, I started it up and all seemed fine...I drove it carefully into town, still no incident, I drove it further afield, still nothing! Well ok, there's lots of things falling off it and it's going to struggle to look vaguely hopeful at it's MOT next month but there was no sign of last nights fire and brimstone.....absolutely none!
How odd, cars don't fix themselves, they just don't, you know that, I know that but as if by magic mine appears to have.
This is more worrying that finding the problem in my book, particularly as I have to drive to the midlands on Friday!
Watch this space...I may yet be twittering or blogging from the hard shoulder of the M1 in which ever county I happen to be.... while the fire brigade do their stuff!
I hate having an old car, I don't give a damn that it looks a fright, it's just that it's a constant concern, completely unreliable and I hardly dare take it any distance these days, which kind of defeats it's purpose does it not?!
This was not a good thing at such an hour and in the pouring rain I assure you. I knew it wasn't the brakes burning yet again, I am way too familiar with that particularly noxious 'scent', It wasn't electrical, I know that one too...but I just couldn't find from where it was coming and finally admitted defeat, having turned myself upside down on the wet road still to no avail.
Having given up I went indoors and went to bed. I didn't sleep of course, conscious, as the ex-wife of a fireman, that it's in no way unusual for faulty cars to suddenly ignite. Instead I spend the majority of what remained of the night keep poking my face out of the curtains to make sure I wasn't about to be responsible for something of a disturbance in the street.
This morning, miffed and concerned I checked all the fluid levels...poked around under the bonnet (hood for you lovely people in the U.S.), turned myself upside down underneath it again hunting for things amiss but nothing!
Next I called my brother who is way more able with things mechanical than I, he ran through a 'have you done this' list. I did what I hadn't but still nothing amiss so it was decided that best I 'suck it and see'. No other way to find out.
So, in trepidation I did, I started it up and all seemed fine...I drove it carefully into town, still no incident, I drove it further afield, still nothing! Well ok, there's lots of things falling off it and it's going to struggle to look vaguely hopeful at it's MOT next month but there was no sign of last nights fire and brimstone.....absolutely none!
How odd, cars don't fix themselves, they just don't, you know that, I know that but as if by magic mine appears to have.
This is more worrying that finding the problem in my book, particularly as I have to drive to the midlands on Friday!
Watch this space...I may yet be twittering or blogging from the hard shoulder of the M1 in which ever county I happen to be.... while the fire brigade do their stuff!
I hate having an old car, I don't give a damn that it looks a fright, it's just that it's a constant concern, completely unreliable and I hardly dare take it any distance these days, which kind of defeats it's purpose does it not?!
Tuesday, 23 March 2010
The countdown has begun...
....to my small holiday-ette! Only three more sleeps.
Friday morning, bright eyed and hopefully bushy tailed I am off for about a week to my sisters in the Midlands. It may not sound like the usual salubrious kind of holiday destination but there's no flight costs, it's a change of scenery and I can get back quickly should it be required....always assuming the crap car doesn't disintegrate en-route! Hey, it's a break, that's good enough.
Alternative arrangements have been made for my responsibilities here and thus far it appears to be a go, famous last words but with a little luck and a prevailing wind it will happen....and I can't wait!
A whole week of less stress, the highly entertaining company of my two teenage nieces, my sister and brother are always good company, different places to investigate, uninterrupted time to dedicate to looking for a job and time to just 'be' and get my head together some. Oh, and there's the rabbit of course! :)
Bring it on!
Friday morning, bright eyed and hopefully bushy tailed I am off for about a week to my sisters in the Midlands. It may not sound like the usual salubrious kind of holiday destination but there's no flight costs, it's a change of scenery and I can get back quickly should it be required....always assuming the crap car doesn't disintegrate en-route! Hey, it's a break, that's good enough.
Alternative arrangements have been made for my responsibilities here and thus far it appears to be a go, famous last words but with a little luck and a prevailing wind it will happen....and I can't wait!
A whole week of less stress, the highly entertaining company of my two teenage nieces, my sister and brother are always good company, different places to investigate, uninterrupted time to dedicate to looking for a job and time to just 'be' and get my head together some. Oh, and there's the rabbit of course! :)
Bring it on!
Monday, 22 March 2010
Sunday, 21 March 2010
Dating 'dismorphia'!
Whoever it was persuaded me to ever get into the whole dating site thing, I suspect can't possibly have gone that route themselves...that or they thought they might have a little joke on me!
What a bloody carry-on!
The best I can say for it is that it has it amusing moments and it probably beats watching paint dry but that's about as good as it gets. I appreciate it's hard to describe ones self but come on....somewhere near the reality might be a possibility, or maybe not it seems.
Perhaps some individuals have a very different view of themselves than others see them and I'm all for people having a good positive image of themselves but my idea of 'slightly cuddly' isn't 30 stone at 5'6" tall, my idea of 'honest' isn't to tell me you don't have kids and then suddenly remember three whole ones, my idea of 'respect' isn't to ask me what colour underwear I am wearing within three emails and nor is my idea of 'intelligent and articulate' someone who can't manage to spell the title of their profession!
I know there must be some normal guys out there but they seem few and far between on dating sites that's for sure. Thus far I have met only one normal guy, it didn't work out but we remain good friends but most don't even have the civility to even acknowledge a message. How hard can it be just to say, 'sorry, not interested' or something along those lines!
I have persevered I promise you but as time goes on my interest is waning badly, the best it seems I can hope for is a kind of horrified amusement and the opportunity to respond curtly to some pretty weird/worrying/downright scary/laughable [insert any number of other options unmentionable here] offers!
I don't mind someones weight/number of children/yada yada, we are all individuals and I don't, I hope, have preconcieved ideas, particularly about physicality, it's the downright dishonesty that gets me!
Jeez!
What a bloody carry-on!
The best I can say for it is that it has it amusing moments and it probably beats watching paint dry but that's about as good as it gets. I appreciate it's hard to describe ones self but come on....somewhere near the reality might be a possibility, or maybe not it seems.
Perhaps some individuals have a very different view of themselves than others see them and I'm all for people having a good positive image of themselves but my idea of 'slightly cuddly' isn't 30 stone at 5'6" tall, my idea of 'honest' isn't to tell me you don't have kids and then suddenly remember three whole ones, my idea of 'respect' isn't to ask me what colour underwear I am wearing within three emails and nor is my idea of 'intelligent and articulate' someone who can't manage to spell the title of their profession!
I know there must be some normal guys out there but they seem few and far between on dating sites that's for sure. Thus far I have met only one normal guy, it didn't work out but we remain good friends but most don't even have the civility to even acknowledge a message. How hard can it be just to say, 'sorry, not interested' or something along those lines!
I have persevered I promise you but as time goes on my interest is waning badly, the best it seems I can hope for is a kind of horrified amusement and the opportunity to respond curtly to some pretty weird/worrying/downright scary/laughable [insert any number of other options unmentionable here] offers!
I don't mind someones weight/number of children/yada yada, we are all individuals and I don't, I hope, have preconcieved ideas, particularly about physicality, it's the downright dishonesty that gets me!
Jeez!
Saturday, 20 March 2010
I really should....
....write something here today but I'm not gonna, the blogging mojo appears to have done the off again!
Hey ho, no doubt it will return to bend your collective ear again in a day or two.
Happy weekend guys!
Hey ho, no doubt it will return to bend your collective ear again in a day or two.
Happy weekend guys!
Thursday, 18 March 2010
....and repeat
When my father was ill and my life was centered around caring for him, in retrospect I had something of a blinkered and perhaps naive view of the future it would seem now.
I suspect that in an effort to cope when the going got tough I cultivated a mentality that didn't see beyond his inevitable death, I was completely focused on the day to day practicalities of the care regime and on trying to keep him as comfortable as possible whilst supporting my mother and I just didn't look beyond that.
Looking back I think I imagined that whilst we all dreaded my fathers demise, as any family would, somehow, once it was over my life could return to some semblance of normality, yes, we would grieve and we would feel the loss acutely but among that I assumed I would be freer to live my own life, to try to find a job and begin to rebuild myself some kind of acceptable way of life.
As it transpires that assumption was pretty naive or ill informed on my part for my mother, who very sadly seems not to have coped with the loss of my father as we had imagined, now takes at least as much caring for as my father did, albeit in a very different manner.
It would be unfair of me to go into details here, aside from myself my family are very private people and I have to respect that but since my fathers death, things for me have become even more challenging, as they have for my siblings, but it is me who is here 24/7 coping with the aftermath and me who's life once again is on hold.
That may all sound pretty harsh and selfish to an onlooker and perhaps it is but believe me, unless you have been where I am at right now, you have no idea.... or at least I didn't. We all hear about those that are carers by default for family members, we see the support groups advertised, we think we know but we really don't.
My life is completely taken over again, it is stressful and heartbreaking and frustrating.... but maybe it was better that I was blinkered when my dad was dying in seeing this coming, because I suspect if I hadn't been I couldn't have coped at all.
We are as a family attempting to improve the situation but as with so many of these things it's a long slow process with an as yet unknown outcome.
I feel like all I do is moan lately, grumble about 'my lot', I know I have been judged for it and I know people go through much greater difficulties in their lives but I am not a saint, very far from it, I am just another individual with my own weaknesses, my own foibles and my own dreams and if that makes me appear selfish or unable to cope very well at times then so be it but I defy anyone to live the last year of my life and not have a few moments struggling!
I am stuck for now in a mire I can't find a way out of, I have well meaning people assuming they know what's best and I have others making hurtful judgements of me which is less than helpful. I do have my low moments, I do lose my motivation at times and I'm sure I make mistakes but I am not superwoman and I don't need added pressures and upsets, I'm doing my best in the only way I know how, enough already!
Really, the option of packing a small rucksack, getting a cheap flight somewhere and just never coming back is sometimes becoming a very tempting prospect.
I suspect that in an effort to cope when the going got tough I cultivated a mentality that didn't see beyond his inevitable death, I was completely focused on the day to day practicalities of the care regime and on trying to keep him as comfortable as possible whilst supporting my mother and I just didn't look beyond that.
Looking back I think I imagined that whilst we all dreaded my fathers demise, as any family would, somehow, once it was over my life could return to some semblance of normality, yes, we would grieve and we would feel the loss acutely but among that I assumed I would be freer to live my own life, to try to find a job and begin to rebuild myself some kind of acceptable way of life.
As it transpires that assumption was pretty naive or ill informed on my part for my mother, who very sadly seems not to have coped with the loss of my father as we had imagined, now takes at least as much caring for as my father did, albeit in a very different manner.
It would be unfair of me to go into details here, aside from myself my family are very private people and I have to respect that but since my fathers death, things for me have become even more challenging, as they have for my siblings, but it is me who is here 24/7 coping with the aftermath and me who's life once again is on hold.
That may all sound pretty harsh and selfish to an onlooker and perhaps it is but believe me, unless you have been where I am at right now, you have no idea.... or at least I didn't. We all hear about those that are carers by default for family members, we see the support groups advertised, we think we know but we really don't.
My life is completely taken over again, it is stressful and heartbreaking and frustrating.... but maybe it was better that I was blinkered when my dad was dying in seeing this coming, because I suspect if I hadn't been I couldn't have coped at all.
We are as a family attempting to improve the situation but as with so many of these things it's a long slow process with an as yet unknown outcome.
I feel like all I do is moan lately, grumble about 'my lot', I know I have been judged for it and I know people go through much greater difficulties in their lives but I am not a saint, very far from it, I am just another individual with my own weaknesses, my own foibles and my own dreams and if that makes me appear selfish or unable to cope very well at times then so be it but I defy anyone to live the last year of my life and not have a few moments struggling!
I am stuck for now in a mire I can't find a way out of, I have well meaning people assuming they know what's best and I have others making hurtful judgements of me which is less than helpful. I do have my low moments, I do lose my motivation at times and I'm sure I make mistakes but I am not superwoman and I don't need added pressures and upsets, I'm doing my best in the only way I know how, enough already!
Really, the option of packing a small rucksack, getting a cheap flight somewhere and just never coming back is sometimes becoming a very tempting prospect.
Tuesday, 16 March 2010
Monday, 15 March 2010
Then and now - a happy tale
By some unexpected and circuitous route I found, by chance, a friend on Facebook in the latter part of last week, who I last saw when I was about sixteen years old!If I'm honest I almost didn't press the 'add as friend' button assuming he wouldn't remember me, let alone want to catch up but my curiosity got the better of me and I did...still however pretty sure the request would be ignored or prompt a 'who are you' response.
No such thing!
Within minutes I got a lovely reply and immediately the reminiscing mails began to go backwards and forwards. Not only did he remember me, he remembered lots about me and the stuff we used to do when we hung out all those years ago. For those of you who have me on Facebook, that's what prompted the publication of the rather embarrassing teenage and childhood photos suddenly! (Yes, you only get the one here!)
We also it transpired, have some pretty difficult experiences in common. Despite his not living in the area any longer, two years ago he went through exactly the same illness with a parent, in exactly the same hospice, as I just have.
That was lunch time, at around 11pm we finally stopped mailing, only to continue, if at something of a slower pace, ever since!
He's an accomplished artist now, has moved away and leads a very interesting life but he's still the same guy and it has been so much fun catching up and chattering. All those years back we really just hung out in the same crowd and albeit we 'got on' we were never best buddies, now though we appear to get on like a house on fire and it's been like a small breath of fresh air in my somewhat currently mundane life!
Who would have thought Facebook could manage something so cool? Not me that was for sure!
Saturday, 13 March 2010
The tale of the dirty old man!
You know those friend of a friend 'can you do me a favour' situations that one finds it very difficult to say 'no' too...well, in an effort to prove I am prepared to do almost anything for work I got embroiled in one earlier this week which turned into something of a small nightmare.
I was asked if I would do a little cleaning for an elderly gent who's own ability to keep his house in reasonable order is somewhat failing.
I was warned that the man in question was something of a character and could be hard work so I went to visit him with his daughter (the friend of a friend), we seemed to get along ok, though his somewhat questionable psychiatric status was patently obvious. The house was less than pleasant and it wasn't a task I relished one iota but as you do I agreed to take it on, against my better judgement. I'm just crap at saying no!
So, I turned up at the allotted time for my first few hours attacking years of grime a few days ago and things degenerated almost immediately. When I arrived I was greeted with somewhat 'over enthusiastic' kisses and I soon discovered this guy wanted to inhabit my personal space continually. He was never more than about a foot from my face and being way too touchy feely.
I set about cleaning his kitchen but he persisted in taking continually, again, in far to close proximity. Things got worse. His legs beginning to ache with standing he appeared next with a small stool which he planted in the middle of the kitchen, sat down on and proceeded to watch my rear from very close quarters, intermittently making what could best be described as inappropriate comments. I tried my best to ignore him and get on with the job in hand but his behaviour was beginning to make me very uncomfortable and every sense in my body was yelling at me to get the hell out.
I should have listened to my gut reactions. Things got worse still and as he began to get more comfortable with me apparently he started trying to 'touch' me, this was not a friendly pat on the shoulder I promise you. It could have been way worse but in the real world it would amount to sexual harassment if not assault. The kissing attempts became more persistent and the inappropriate suggestions continued unabated. Oh...and when he decided to get changed to go out he did so in front of me.
I can't in all honesty get angry about it or take any action, he's an old and somewhat confused man and in the scale of things it was pretty minor stuff but I made my excuses, left and called his daughter to explain why. She of course was mortally embarrassed and concerned and is 'dealing' with him.
I for my part am not going back, when I got home I felt a small degree of that experience we hear abuse victims feel, I just couldn't feel clean despite showering for an extended period, it was a weird experience but I am of course over it now and just glad I don't have to go back.
I might not be able to afford too much in the way of pride but don't need money that badly!
I was asked if I would do a little cleaning for an elderly gent who's own ability to keep his house in reasonable order is somewhat failing.
I was warned that the man in question was something of a character and could be hard work so I went to visit him with his daughter (the friend of a friend), we seemed to get along ok, though his somewhat questionable psychiatric status was patently obvious. The house was less than pleasant and it wasn't a task I relished one iota but as you do I agreed to take it on, against my better judgement. I'm just crap at saying no!
So, I turned up at the allotted time for my first few hours attacking years of grime a few days ago and things degenerated almost immediately. When I arrived I was greeted with somewhat 'over enthusiastic' kisses and I soon discovered this guy wanted to inhabit my personal space continually. He was never more than about a foot from my face and being way too touchy feely.
I set about cleaning his kitchen but he persisted in taking continually, again, in far to close proximity. Things got worse. His legs beginning to ache with standing he appeared next with a small stool which he planted in the middle of the kitchen, sat down on and proceeded to watch my rear from very close quarters, intermittently making what could best be described as inappropriate comments. I tried my best to ignore him and get on with the job in hand but his behaviour was beginning to make me very uncomfortable and every sense in my body was yelling at me to get the hell out.
I should have listened to my gut reactions. Things got worse still and as he began to get more comfortable with me apparently he started trying to 'touch' me, this was not a friendly pat on the shoulder I promise you. It could have been way worse but in the real world it would amount to sexual harassment if not assault. The kissing attempts became more persistent and the inappropriate suggestions continued unabated. Oh...and when he decided to get changed to go out he did so in front of me.
I can't in all honesty get angry about it or take any action, he's an old and somewhat confused man and in the scale of things it was pretty minor stuff but I made my excuses, left and called his daughter to explain why. She of course was mortally embarrassed and concerned and is 'dealing' with him.
I for my part am not going back, when I got home I felt a small degree of that experience we hear abuse victims feel, I just couldn't feel clean despite showering for an extended period, it was a weird experience but I am of course over it now and just glad I don't have to go back.
I might not be able to afford too much in the way of pride but don't need money that badly!
Friday, 12 March 2010
Credit where credit's due!
Among all the horrible-ness of yesterday there was one very pleasant surprise and from probably my least expected source!
The day started at nine with my three monthly 'hauling over the coals' DWP interview. My experience of these thus far has been pretty appalling, I have been condescended too, treated with contempt and ill manners and generally humiliated by staff who have the customer facing skills of an angry rhinoceros on previous occasions but yesterday it was different, very much so!
The lady who conducted my interview was well spoken, polite, knew her stuff and most of all was very sympathetic to my current situation and the pressures that creates in my ability to find work and in the event that I do, to manage it alongside my current stressful home situation. Add to that she discussed with me various other options, explained aspects of the system I was unaware of and made all manner of helpful suggestions!
I left feeling a little more positive and hopeful and with a degree of pressure lifted from my shoulders, I had anticipated the usual dreadful and stressful hour of unhelpful annoyance, but for once my expectations were proven wrong.
It is of course not a good indictment of the system that this experience is so rare but I am thankful for small mercies and credit where it's due, this lady was, albeit seemingly a rare breed within government departments, excellent, helpful and saved my day!
The day started at nine with my three monthly 'hauling over the coals' DWP interview. My experience of these thus far has been pretty appalling, I have been condescended too, treated with contempt and ill manners and generally humiliated by staff who have the customer facing skills of an angry rhinoceros on previous occasions but yesterday it was different, very much so!
The lady who conducted my interview was well spoken, polite, knew her stuff and most of all was very sympathetic to my current situation and the pressures that creates in my ability to find work and in the event that I do, to manage it alongside my current stressful home situation. Add to that she discussed with me various other options, explained aspects of the system I was unaware of and made all manner of helpful suggestions!
I left feeling a little more positive and hopeful and with a degree of pressure lifted from my shoulders, I had anticipated the usual dreadful and stressful hour of unhelpful annoyance, but for once my expectations were proven wrong.
It is of course not a good indictment of the system that this experience is so rare but I am thankful for small mercies and credit where it's due, this lady was, albeit seemingly a rare breed within government departments, excellent, helpful and saved my day!
Thursday, 11 March 2010
Tuesday, 9 March 2010
Today I am mostly...
...feeling a bit miserable and sorry for myself. This is not an attractive thing, I don't like feeling sorry for myself but I seem not to be able to shake it off today, well thus far of course, but it's early, perhaps I will shape up as the day progresses, though I have a particularly unpleasant day ahead so it's not hopeful.
It's not just today, it's the whole week, it's one of 'those' weeks where everything on the agenda is pretty much nasty or bad or difficult and I'll be more than glad when I get to Friday, much as I shouldn't wish my life away.
I'm kinda getting tired of the tough stuff, I'm tired of feeling it's always me that has to find the answers, me that offers comfort and me that at the end of the day has to keep going, dig my heels in and cry alone.
Apparently I am the strong one, apparently I am indestructible and apparently no one wonders how I am in all this crap.
I don't like being alone and not having anyone share things with and I like it even less when my own issues and upsets seem to go completely unnoticed and still I am having one thing after another heaped upon me!
Ok...pity party over, maybe I'll feel better now I've got that off my chest!
*My apologies for being grumpy.
It's not just today, it's the whole week, it's one of 'those' weeks where everything on the agenda is pretty much nasty or bad or difficult and I'll be more than glad when I get to Friday, much as I shouldn't wish my life away.
I'm kinda getting tired of the tough stuff, I'm tired of feeling it's always me that has to find the answers, me that offers comfort and me that at the end of the day has to keep going, dig my heels in and cry alone.
Apparently I am the strong one, apparently I am indestructible and apparently no one wonders how I am in all this crap.
I don't like being alone and not having anyone share things with and I like it even less when my own issues and upsets seem to go completely unnoticed and still I am having one thing after another heaped upon me!
Ok...pity party over, maybe I'll feel better now I've got that off my chest!
*My apologies for being grumpy.
Monday, 8 March 2010
Don't go there...
....you know what I'm referring to!
Ok, very brief overview, nice enough guy but just so not my type in the reality.
I'm seriously considering abandoning this whole dating malarkey, it's all too much faff and bother and each 'failure' just serves to dishearten me further and make me feel more lonely.
What I want I can't have it seems and what I can have I don't want!
Typical woman eh? ;)
Ok, very brief overview, nice enough guy but just so not my type in the reality.
I'm seriously considering abandoning this whole dating malarkey, it's all too much faff and bother and each 'failure' just serves to dishearten me further and make me feel more lonely.
What I want I can't have it seems and what I can have I don't want!
Typical woman eh? ;)
Sunday, 7 March 2010
Another day another date!
This is becoming something of a habit!
Today's foray into the world of dating is just a laid back drink at lunch time in a local pub and a chat to get to know one another a little better. Maybe a walk in the park, though given this mornings temperatures I think a skate on the pond would be more appropriate!
This one shows a little more promise, though I have of course recently learned the principle of frogs and princes. He's something of a geek (yes, that's a good thing), he has a good and interesting mind, makes me laugh, lives locally and thus far hasn't mentioned my derriere!
Again he's younger which sometimes concerns me but as every relationship I have ever had seems to have been that way maybe it's just some oddity about me and I should get used to it.
We will see but don't anyone buy a hat! ;)
Today's foray into the world of dating is just a laid back drink at lunch time in a local pub and a chat to get to know one another a little better. Maybe a walk in the park, though given this mornings temperatures I think a skate on the pond would be more appropriate!
This one shows a little more promise, though I have of course recently learned the principle of frogs and princes. He's something of a geek (yes, that's a good thing), he has a good and interesting mind, makes me laugh, lives locally and thus far hasn't mentioned my derriere!
Again he's younger which sometimes concerns me but as every relationship I have ever had seems to have been that way maybe it's just some oddity about me and I should get used to it.
We will see but don't anyone buy a hat! ;)
Saturday, 6 March 2010
Happy things!
If you read here regularly you might recall all the excitement when my best friend Lisa came to visit here last year from Nebraska on two occasions..... and the subsequent news of her engagement to Ian and then their prolonged dealings with U.S immigration. Finally he managed to emigrate and they got married last November.
Well yesterday I received an email from them titled 'Happy things' which included the photo below and news of the fact that yesterday they had delivered into their hands...... the long awaited green card!!
How cool and completely excellent is that? Ian is an American now!!
Congratulations guys, a very happy thing indeed.
Proof that there can be happy endings! :)
Well yesterday I received an email from them titled 'Happy things' which included the photo below and news of the fact that yesterday they had delivered into their hands...... the long awaited green card!!
How cool and completely excellent is that? Ian is an American now!!
Congratulations guys, a very happy thing indeed.
Proof that there can be happy endings! :)
Friday, 5 March 2010
The date - debrief
Well, what can I say, my initial feelings were correct just about sums it up, though to be fair it was a little more bearable than anticipated.
We met in a local pub as planned, the idea being we would move on later for dinner. The reality was that we stayed put in the pub and didn't go for dinner because he wasn't hungry!
We did manage to chat pretty easily, we even laughed occasionally but it was cold, pretty dismal and rather than there being any 'spark' there was a very definite damp squib situation going on from my side. it was hard to tell quite what he thought but by 10.30 we parted amicably and went our separate ways, he home and me to McDonalds to get some food. I was starving!
Later in the evening I got a text saying 'Had a nice evening, thank you, not sure we 'clicked' but I'll call on Sunday, you're very alluring, nice arse'!! Hmmm.
Very classy!
(Please God don't let him find this blog)
We met in a local pub as planned, the idea being we would move on later for dinner. The reality was that we stayed put in the pub and didn't go for dinner because he wasn't hungry!
We did manage to chat pretty easily, we even laughed occasionally but it was cold, pretty dismal and rather than there being any 'spark' there was a very definite damp squib situation going on from my side. it was hard to tell quite what he thought but by 10.30 we parted amicably and went our separate ways, he home and me to McDonalds to get some food. I was starving!
Later in the evening I got a text saying 'Had a nice evening, thank you, not sure we 'clicked' but I'll call on Sunday, you're very alluring, nice arse'!! Hmmm.
Very classy!
(Please God don't let him find this blog)
Thursday, 4 March 2010
Turning a corner?
The last year of my life has been without doubt one of my toughest, second only to one other many years ago....which is a whole other story.
Subsequent to the demise of what had been the most important relationship of my life to date, hotly followed by having spent better part of a year nursing my father to his death from cancer last November and then the unexpected degree of difficulty my mother has been having coping with her loss and the required degree of emotional and practical support that has been necessary, there were times, and many of them, that I thought I might just crumple up into a useless heap of hopelessness.
But somehow I didn't. Don't ask me how I didn't, I'm not sure but let's just say the alternative to coping was perhaps an even less appealing prospect.
Things however seem to be a tiny weeny bit easier, this week one or two things have changed almost intangibly, the pressure seems to have eased fractionally and maybe, just maybe, we are getting through this. Maybe the light I have been trying to see at the end of what has felt a very long, dark tunnel, is finally considering showing itself?
My mother appears to have turned a small but significant corner and in turn the constant pressure I have been under has eased slightly. Probably this will continue to be a very fine line with many ups and downs but at last I am beginning feel a little bit hopeful. I still have a long way to go to get my life back on track, I still feel like I have an almost impossible mountain to climb ahead of me but it's a start.
Famous last words? .....or is that too much negativity?! ;)
Subsequent to the demise of what had been the most important relationship of my life to date, hotly followed by having spent better part of a year nursing my father to his death from cancer last November and then the unexpected degree of difficulty my mother has been having coping with her loss and the required degree of emotional and practical support that has been necessary, there were times, and many of them, that I thought I might just crumple up into a useless heap of hopelessness.
But somehow I didn't. Don't ask me how I didn't, I'm not sure but let's just say the alternative to coping was perhaps an even less appealing prospect.
Things however seem to be a tiny weeny bit easier, this week one or two things have changed almost intangibly, the pressure seems to have eased fractionally and maybe, just maybe, we are getting through this. Maybe the light I have been trying to see at the end of what has felt a very long, dark tunnel, is finally considering showing itself?
My mother appears to have turned a small but significant corner and in turn the constant pressure I have been under has eased slightly. Probably this will continue to be a very fine line with many ups and downs but at last I am beginning feel a little bit hopeful. I still have a long way to go to get my life back on track, I still feel like I have an almost impossible mountain to climb ahead of me but it's a start.
Famous last words? .....or is that too much negativity?! ;)
Wednesday, 3 March 2010
This should be um.... 'interesting'!
Tomorrow I have another date, this one however stands more chance of being rather 'interesting' for the wrong reasons, or at least not for the reasons one would usually expect from a first date!
Once already I have told this guy I perhaps don't think we are too well suited and cancelled the first date we planned but was subsequently persuaded that maybe it was worth just one date, given that in many respects we do get along pretty well.
Since then he has managed to rankle me on a number of occasions with his... er shall we call them 'strong opinions' and I can see dinner tomorrow evening turning into either a heated political debate or worse if I'm honest!
Hell, the guy even referred to my beloved Caffe Nero as "one of those pretentious coffee shops"...this does not bod well I think! ;)
Anyway, life is an adventure so they tell me, it's only one date, it beats staying in and it stands at least to be interesting in one way or another!
Maybe I'll be surprised, you never know!
Once already I have told this guy I perhaps don't think we are too well suited and cancelled the first date we planned but was subsequently persuaded that maybe it was worth just one date, given that in many respects we do get along pretty well.
Since then he has managed to rankle me on a number of occasions with his... er shall we call them 'strong opinions' and I can see dinner tomorrow evening turning into either a heated political debate or worse if I'm honest!
Hell, the guy even referred to my beloved Caffe Nero as "one of those pretentious coffee shops"...this does not bod well I think! ;)
Anyway, life is an adventure so they tell me, it's only one date, it beats staying in and it stands at least to be interesting in one way or another!
Maybe I'll be surprised, you never know!
Monday, 1 March 2010
Au contraire
Why is it in life that we always seem to want what we can't have and moreover, not want the things we can have?
I'm sure there must be something psychologically or emotionally deep-seated about that, perhaps the mere fact that something is unattainable makes it all the more attractive where the attainable, by the very fact that it is attainable, lacks challenge or attraction because it takes less effort? Perhaps we function to some degree on making life more difficult for ourselves, that there is some kind of perverse excitement in that which isn't readily available to us....but whatever the psychology, it's frustrating!
To be honest I don't think I want a great deal in life, just a few of the usual things, I'm not very materialistic, I don't yearn to be rich or any of that old malarkey but it would be novel if occasionally something I do want could be less of a hassle to achieve and attain!
Perhaps human nature is just a contrary thing and I should just accept it and smile sweetly!
Meh! ;)
I'm sure there must be something psychologically or emotionally deep-seated about that, perhaps the mere fact that something is unattainable makes it all the more attractive where the attainable, by the very fact that it is attainable, lacks challenge or attraction because it takes less effort? Perhaps we function to some degree on making life more difficult for ourselves, that there is some kind of perverse excitement in that which isn't readily available to us....but whatever the psychology, it's frustrating!
To be honest I don't think I want a great deal in life, just a few of the usual things, I'm not very materialistic, I don't yearn to be rich or any of that old malarkey but it would be novel if occasionally something I do want could be less of a hassle to achieve and attain!
Perhaps human nature is just a contrary thing and I should just accept it and smile sweetly!
Meh! ;)
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