Burst of energy

I hvae been thinking about getting tuition assignment for some time. Spoke to a colleague today and she might have one for me. I so can't wait. If I can get 4 students, I can pay for Trevor's infant care every month. If I have 8 students, I can send him for enrichment classes too!!! Once I end confinement I will start looking. I want to give him the best I can to compensate for whatever he may lack in other areas.

I spent the afternoon cleaning my room's nooks and crannies. The cot will be delivered tomorrow. I am so excited. Come to think of it, it would be good for Trev to be out. It is better for him to thrive outside than in my womb apparently.

Met up with Huiyin for dinner. Thank you for being such a pal listening to my fears and sharing w me tips to cope. Also, a big thank you for trying to change your work schedule to accompany me if needed. =)

Truth be told

I am actually quite scared now. Past 2 dawns were spent awake, partly because of the messages that came in, partly because of the contractions. This morning I woke up with a massive headache and numb hands. Went to the clinic and my BP was an all time high. Doc ordered a CTG which turned out fine and then I had to go for a blood test. Her deadpan face made me even more nervous. She said if I have preeclampsia, she would take e baby out immediately. After a few hours of agonising wait, the call finally came in. When I heard the doctor's voice, my stomach turned. You know how it is like if doctor calls with medical results. She told me that the level of uric acid in my blood is higher than normal. Fear struck my heart. The serious tone did not help much. She told me that I had to go to the labour ward should I continue to feel unwell. Thurs will be the next blood test. If it is still high, she would have to deliver me on Fri. OMG, that is another 3 more days!!! If she is going to induce me, there is a chance that that will not work and I will have to do an emergency C-sect. Tssk... An after reading up, I know how dangerous this can be to Trevor and me. I just pray that the delivery would have Trevor safe and sound.

There are so many things I want to eat, do, say. I feel like a jailbird on death roll.

Countdown

Today the gynae said Trev will probably see the world in another 10 days. I guess it is exciting. I just want him to come out fast. Today she poked her fingers in to check for dilation. My oh my.. It was super painful. I hope epidural works on me.

I hope you will be alright.

Between you n me

So many of such conversations today that I wanna laugh. My older man is actually quite funny. He made me laugh and think about things in a different point of view. His encouragement is really very much appreciated in times like this. Can I say he makes me feel pampered too? Sigh... Enjoy it while it lasts I guess. =(

Knowing certain things make me very upset. Disappointed with the way things turn out and I had not expected such words to materialise. May be I had and I am just in denial. I thought my efforts were appreciated but behind my back it is another story. Such is life. But again, older man makes me feel better. =)

Fatigue

I have not been getting the kind of rest which I hoped to have. Every night is plagued with numerous trips to the bathroom and dreams that haunt me even when I awake. To top it all off, the fear of receiving messages on the phone scares me because I do not know how to deal with it. Every thing is just my fault no matter what I do. It seems that caring is also not acceptable. I feel very lost.

Every time u do this, I just wanna die

If only

I could hide in my room the whole day. I feel so tired. Back hurts. Leg hurt. The first experience of tightening happened today. It started from the top of the belly. In the afternoon, the entire belly was contracting. It was the highlight of the week. Did not have appetite for dinner. Let it be swift.

Today

Last Tuesday I was feeling moody. Last Wednesday you made me feel like I was the only one in your life. Last Thursday my world came crashing down again. Last weekend I fought to stay afloat amidst everything. Today, I woke up and feel like dying. Nothing seems to matter.

OMG

I am really starting to freak out!!!! I found a clip of a woman giving birth. After only 10 seconds without the volume, I shut the window. I saw how the doctor stretched e vagina open, I almost fainted. I cannot imagine myself going through this in 3.5 months time.


Oh no...................=(

Random

My feet is swollen.
I like lying on e bed to wait for Trevor's kicks and punches.
His kicks are erratic.
Tmr is my 9 year anniversary.
Work is very tedious.
12 hour work days are not my cup of tea.
Sometimes I just want to be pampered.
I need a hug.

Good

It was a good lunch out w my JC classmates!!!

Oh no

These few days, the weepiness is just getting worse. I cry over the smallest thing and e worst thing is, I can't stop crying for a long time. Things just worry me even though I know they are out of my control.

After some research, I realise that these mood swings are just STARTING and will progressively get WORSE. It will only stop AFTER the birth of the baby.

OMG.

Sucky is...

when I woke up early despite sleeping at 3.40am to help my mum prepare lunch and she brushed me off.
when I turned on the heater to bathe and my mum finished using all the hot water after I had waited for 15 mins
when after another 15 mins of waiting, my brother accused me of snatching his turn to shower
when I was washing the dishes for 10 people after lunch and they were all outside chatting and having dessert
when I was washing dishes and my future SIL came to the sink, put her bowl down and asked me to stop washing so that she can rinse her hands
when I was done washing the dishes, cleaning the stove and the table top, my mum came to the kitchen to tell me to wash the floor
when I had to carry pails full of water from the toilet, hold on to the wall and cabinets to prevent myself from falling to carry the pails to the front of the kitchen, and scrub the kitchen floor
when I was washing the floor and my mum sat outside chatting w my future SIL, and my dad and brothers were watching TV
when I poured the water to rinse the floor, my dad came to the kitchen to tell me I missed washing one of the spots on the floor
when I am doing all these, Trevor kicked and punched and made it painful for me
when my mother said I am considered married out so I am not very much a part of the family
when I am doing these at 6 months pregnant

Empty

Trevor was rather active the whole day. After a while, I realised there was no one to share the happy feelings with. There is only Trevor and me.

Happy Lunar New Year!!!

Gong xi Gong xi. May everyone have a prosperous year ahead. =)

Let me summarise my days:
Went visiting with my parents after I was done praying with my in-laws the first day.
Second day was spent with my in-laws and their relatives. After that we went Sentosa cos my MIL likes flowers. I am quite happy for my SIL. Hope she gets married soon. =)
Went to the doctor today. She said Trevor is still big and overweight. =( But this time round she says it has probably got to do with the daddy so it is not my fault. I hope Trevor is healthy and that I will not require a C-sect. Trevor was not moving again this morning. Lazy bum.

As I am typing, he is hiccuping and kicking away!!! Now I know aches on the left will mean he is moving his hands and legs, airy feeling below will be his hiccups, anything more in the centre will be his kicks. Hohoho...

寒,痛

These are the only two words that I can think of when I read the email. No matter how much I understand your predicament, you think so otherwise. Do you understand what sort of a person I am?

Yawn

Work is sucky. In the past I never had to deal with politics but now it is in the air. The air stinks.

No more

Some times, I feel nothing more like a shadow. So do you.

Scared

When I think of how you will not be with me for e next few months, I suddenly became very scared. I do not know how I am going to cope. I feel very alone. I wanted to call you and just hear your voice, but I know you will be too busy at work and will not want to talk to me.


So scared that I just burst out crying.

Reflection

Had plenty of time to reflect this week. I wonder why things became so bad. I did not have an answer to it. I admit I am partially to blame but to what extent should the blame be on me? Not that pointing fingers help but I wanted to have a very clear and rationale outlook on issues. Reflecting and prevent previous mistakes, but more importantly, I want to find solutions. You put the responsibility on me and want me to solve it. It is exactly like the past. I want to help you solve it but all my proposals were rejected. You said I do not appreciate things. Are you right? Do I not appreciate what I have with you? You never knew and never will see it from my perspective. Some of your SM-es these past few weeks have been very cutting. Reading them sends a chill down my spine. I had never known you were capable of such words and brutality. I once told FJB - I have a lot of faith in you, so much so that I would not had expected you to be like this, so much so that when you behave in such a manner I am at a lost of what to do. you said I have not lost anything important to me before. You are wrong. I did. But to you, what I have lost is never as important as yours. Maybe so but if you were to compare, what we have lost is of equal importance to us individually. I know I have no rights to say anything in front of you.

If I were to ask you the same question, I am sure the answer would be negative.

I made a decision yesterday and am very clear about it.

If I could turn back time, I would go 4 years back and never repeat the mistake.

I hope you would find your happiness soon.

5 mths

Been tt long since I posted ya? Well, I don't think there are people who are still reading this but it is still a good outlet for me. There are stress in so many areas of our lives. My biggest stressor is you, my greatest fear is YOU, my greatest anticipation is YOU.

I know you are under tremendous stress and unhappiness and you do not mean for all this to happen. I know you can't control it. I understand so I chose to keep quiet. I constantly remind myself not to argue back with you. I am trying though you may not agree.

THIS is very surreal. I accepted it when it happened in the past but now I try so many more time to make myself believe. I really do not know what is up with me.

My fever is still boiling after 2 days. Nothing must happen. I will pray. Pray for me ya?

Now I realised how difficult it is to stay away from my alcohol. The urge is strong but my determination cannot waver!!!!

knock knock

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH...it is 5 more weeks to go. How can you forget my wedding date??? Call yourself my very good friend. Tssk tssk tssk. There are so many things to be done - clean e house, pack the rooms and kitchen, buy cakes, print cards, food tasting, buy bed and bedsheets, choose toilet accessories, choose wall colours, buy curtains. That is all I can think for now. Cleaning and packing will take a LONG time. This is so exciting!!!! Hahahahhaha... FJB, hahve you gotten e games ready??

i tried asking myself what is it tt i am frustrated with. i think i know but i cant say it. it will be easier for you to see me flare than see me cry. time to retreat into my shell again.

OMG

I read my blog and realised that I update like once in a million years. I have entries on e main page from a year ago. That explains the heading. However, I love the sensation my V gives me. I wonder how my skin and tummy will turn out tmr.

hello???

Been ages. Wonder if there's anyone reading. No matter what, i need air space.

Sometimes one makes a mistake but they will never retrace their steps. They will just go ahead until it is beyond their limit. What can he/she say when he/she went against all opinions to make the decision?

Only choice - live with the mistake.

Well, i really love seeing jingles sleeping in his bed. That is e only thing that makes me happy nowadays. =)

I love my vodka. Nothing will change it.

222222222222222222222222222222222222222222222

this is blardee irritating. everything.

Up, up and away

Getting to where I am now is not easy. The past few years have been crazy. It is STILL crazy, or crazier. What should my next step be?

This chess game is getting too complicated for my simple brain, that is if I have one to start with. =)

heehee

I am praying for him/her to be healthy and well. =)

This is more exciting than I had imagined.

Nv felt so tired from work. Tmr's another long day.. 加油!!!!

1010101

There are so many things to be done, so many things to confirm, so many things to organise, so many things to liase. And school is starting. My oh my. another round of MTP on 5 July. Hope everything turns out well. It is good to know I still have control over certain things. Chill and things will be more fun! =)

FUN-tastic!!!

Woohoo!!! Thank you FJB and Helen!!!! I had a really good time last night. It has been donkey years since I had a group of frens to celebrate my bday and just mess around with one another. Goodness...e fun-filled moments are so endearing. It is such a bliss to see friends all happily attached and bringing your partners along. It is even a greater bliss to know that we can all sit together and crap like time had not passed us a single bit. =) Coming home at 5 in e orning is burdening my getting-older-everyday body. I need to plonk down n rest.

Thank you for the very very wonderful celebration guys.

Party last night, sumptuous dinner tonight, high tea on tues, luncheon on wed. Byebye pants!

uh-oh

Today is a school hol. Had jap buffet with my good friend. We can't stomach much in. I think we are getting old. I like your present, dude. Thanks. You really know me well. I think you hit the jackpot when you speculated the reason. Uh-oh... Means I only have about a month to work around. BUT, I do not have the answers to solve the mystery!!!! God knows when I will ever get to use e gift. =)

=(

After talking to hy, depression overwhelmed me. I do not want to be a maid.

my heart melted when....

you pulled me back and said you were not making a fool of me and meant everything you said.

window shopping could never be better than what we had today.

Unexpected

Today did not pass as badly as I had thought it would. to start with, I worked till 1230am this morning in school. I was back in sch in 9 hours. Hahaha... I was on quite an euphoric high this morning when I went back to school. After 5 hours, I headed back home only to find that I could not connect to the internet with my tablet. THEN, the most unexpected phonecall came in. It was from an old friend. Hahahaha.. and of course my pseudo lover. It had been a long time since they came over. We have a new friend today. It was the longest game I ever had but all went well as ppstream came to our rescue. 豆花油条小笼包煎包糯米饭 was a good treat from mr mwk. After that new friend wanted durians so we headed a few streets down. Yummy!! New friend is very good at bargaining and the two guys looked like noobs with us. Mr mwk said we were like guys bringing girls to club. How extremely unsuitable but hilarious. The both of them are like women. Thanks for making my evening pass much faster. It is strange how they came along when I was moping around. It is strange how a friend's partner became a good friend instead.

I think you are cute. Thanks for the prata and for sitting down with me while I was creeped out. =)