Scary Stuff

So last week there was a botched up scenario at work: A patient's blood was sent to the laboratory and then someone called the lab tech testing the blood to ask "Is there a turn around time for Ebola testing?"  Yeah...  no bueno not warning the laboratory about a hot specimen.  Really though, people at Mayo aren't happy about any aspect of the whole Ebola thing.  My one coworker spends her free moment browsing the latest Ebola details.  Drama ensued as someone suggested they send techs from my department into the BioSafety Level 3 area to stain slides (which is ridiculous because the staining procedure isn't hard and there is no point in doubling the number of people potentially exposed).

I read the book the Hotzone a few years ago and it was pretty scary (I even blogged about it http://jillschuler.blogspot.com/2012/11/viruses-and-such.html).  I have been realizing just how terrifying the whole Ebola outbreak really is especially since I spend 40+ hours a week working in a specialty hospital.  A rational side of me goes "Jill, you wear gloves and other personal protective equipment and Ebola doesn't spread as quickly as some other diseases.  You've spent years working with Hepatitis and HIV cases.  This isn't that big of a deal".  Then the irrational side of me goes "The death rate is 25-90% with no cure...  AAAAAAAAHHHHH!!!!"

I know in the BIG picture I have nothing to fear (God has a plan afterall) but I do have stuff I do find genuinely scary.  In the spirit of Halloween I've crated my own total hierarchy of fears (not as good as Four but not bad...)...  Here is my unofficial list in no particular order.

1.  Ebola

2.  Cockroaches-

I'm fine with most bugs and spiders and crawly things but no...  I don't do cockroaches.  They haven't shown their faces recently but they have broken into my home since I moved to AZ.  I face my fear and let out the cry of a medieval warrior as I mash them with a shoe.  Still, I miss my bug catching net because I used to have a nice buffer zone....

3.  My sister's psycho ex-husband-

Yeah...  Won't go in to details there.  If I ever get custody of my nephews I will be getting a gun...  just FYI.

4.  Heights-

I die watching this video.  So...  I try to conquer this one.  I'm going hang gliding next weekend.  This doesn't change the fact that my body still has a strong self preservation reflex that makes me REALLY uncomfortable going to high places.

5.  Realizing my whole life has slipped away from me-  I hate the idea of looking back at my life and realizing I wasted it on a couch or dreaming of things but not making them happen.  This is irrational and unlikely since I have my bucket list, but yeah, I need to live for a long time and check at least a good portion of my bucketlist off...  preferably all of it.

To end on a lighter note, here is a delightful video of Tim Curry as the Worst Witch.  Because who doesn't appreciate a poorly made 80's film with ridiculously cheesy lyrics?

Moving Forward

I struggle making decisions.  I struggle trying to decide if I really like a guy.  I struggle trying to decide how to juggle my social calendar.  Heck, I have a hard enough time deciding where I want to eat....

So when people are all "Jill, you taking the lead tech position?" I really shuffle uncomfortably because...  I'm still not sure I want it.  With my laboratory experience, I'm pretty sure they'll offer me the position.  I anticipate that at some point I'd get to work fewer weekends and that would be a blessing.  I'd learn a ton and my resume would be gilded up like no one's business.  The lead tech of the hematology department of the top hospital in the state of AZ?  It isn't walking on the moon or anything, but not too shabby.  

On the other hand, I would be obligated to pick up a lot more shifts in the mean time, potentially not have a steady schedule, be left to handle the messes, and it will be a LOT more stress.  I don't currently need the extra money and my resume is already looking pretty top notch.  They are talking about 12 hour shifts and I'd desperately want to work 12 hours shifts and have more time to pursue my passions and interests.  I don't know if I could be happy doing a 8hr/5days a week gig.  I want to be a temple worker still and I don't know which schedule would better help me do that....

What do you want Jill?  I want to live a meaningfully life.  I want to change the world.  I want to be happy.  I want to find love and fill the world with it.  I want to be close to God.  I want to take a long nap under a hammock in a place that isn't 105F.

So wish me luck and pray for me because I'm not really sure what I want.  I've applied for the job and hopefully as I interview the answer will become clear in my mind but for now, I'll just have to trust God is in control of my life and that things will work out...

August 21, 2017

I feel like there are a lot of things that are up in the air in my life.  Where my career is going is kind of vague (promising, ridiculously busy, but vague).  My dating life, though not entirely dead, doesn't seem to have any clear direction right now.  I don't have any big trips scheduled until Thanksgiving and tentatively next summer.

My bucket list has an unofficial schedule but nothing is really set in stone right now. My work on my rock climbing skills has been off and on, I might catch Free Chick Fil A Day this year, Ted X is in Tuscon this December, and Wicked will be in Tempe sometime in 2015 so I'll probably go.  It all is pretty flexible.

All except one thing.  Of all the vague, ambiguous, haziness in my life plan, there is one day in the future that I know is totally set in stone.

That is August 21, 2017.

What is special about this date, you may ask?

It is the day of the only total solar eclipse that will pass over the United States for the next decade.

Just imagine chilling outside on a beautiful sunny day and then seeing this (you can skip to about 3:40).

I get chills just thinking about how COOL this will be to see in person.  Yeah, I don't know if I'll be married by then or still live in Arizona.  Maybe I'll have travelled to Hawaii or Africa or Japan by then.  I might have a pet wallaby named Joey.  I don't know.  All I know is that on August 21, 2017, I will be checking this off my bucket list and it will be awesome.

Life in the hood

Once upon a time there was a girl who lived in a fancy condo in North Scottsdale with a raised bed garden, a beautiful pool, a fireplace, and her own washer and dryer.  She loved her five minute commute to work (15 on a road bike) and her spacious "ritzy" home.  However, after a few years living in such a lovely home she realized that the comfort and convenience of such a home could not replace the need she had to be in a social area with a social roommate.  After some soul searching and some research, she moved further south into a less spacious condo.

She felt she had made the right decision (her social life did improve) but it didn't take her long to realize she was no longer living in a posh retirement community.  It might have been the geyser sprinkler system.  It might have been the roaches or the pigeon plague.  It might have been that homocide that happened two doors down from her condo (All just speculation).  Either way, she fully acknowledged that she had moved into "the Ghetto".

In truth, having a home in a ghetto didn't seem to have a huge impact on her day to day life.  Her neighbors were friendly (the family who lived in the home where the homocide happened promptly moved out of the complex).  There were always kids laughing and running around as young hooligans usually do.  There was an owl friend who roosted nearby her town house who she lovingly nicknamed "David the Goblin King" (he flew away forever and broke her heart, but that's a story for another day).  It had a functional air conditioner (the one thing her ritzy condo consistently seemed to lack).  She realized that with some roach traps and a pile of quarters for the machine washers, her home was still spacious, her social life much more fulfilling, and she was indeed happy living in the hood.

Then, she made a discovery.  Through a series of semi complicated events she found herself back in her old neighborhood standing outside her fancy condo talking to her old neighbor.  Turns out after she vacated her old place, the next tenants that leased were drug lords.  They had set up shop and started making drugs in her old home.  Things were finally over a group of black SWAT vans appeared with 40 officers who proceeded to clean the place out.  Needless to say the old neighbor bemoaned the fact that the girl had ever moved out because things had gone to pieces since then.

At this moment she realized that sometimes you move to the ghetto but even when you don't, sometimes the ghetto will come find you anyways.  Its pretty likely that those drug lords would have moved into the same complex whether or not that particular unit had been open.  Well, that's a wrap.

Nerdiness and Japan

I realized yesterday that I would like to go to Japan, but most of the items on my "must see" list are horrendously nerdy.  Lets take a gander shall we.

-Parasite Museum in Tokyo

Yeah, I still have my closet fettish with parasitology.  I probably would go out of my way to see a Parasite Museum in the United States if we were cool like the Japanese and had our own.  Fascinating, horrifying, educational, fun stuff.

-Okunoshima

Also known as Usagi Jima or "rabbit island".

Adorable feels like an understatement.  SO MANY BUNNIES!!    I guess these wild rabbits are super friendly and are EVERYWHERE on this island.

-Japan's Anti-Loneliness Cafe

I figure while I'm in Japan, I could also go to this cafe, not because I'm lonely, but because its featuring a special part of my childhood.

Moomins are a popular children's book show/character that I grew up with from Finland.  My mother's mother, aka my "mummi" liked to make sure we had a good Finnish influence in our lives.  I remember loving "Mumminland Midwinter" as a kid.  I don't remember the particulars of the book too well but it has 4.8 on Amazon and 4.4 on Goodreads so it clearly is good literature.  The characters are also pretty fantastic.

Hippos and kangaroos, and folksie looking people

I'd probably do other things too like visit places of family history significance (I'm 1/16th Japanese, though you can't really tell).  I think I have some VERY extended family out there who probably wouldn't want to see me, but it might be worth a shot.  I'd probably have a fun time trying unusual foods, shrines, tea ceremonies, see the cherry blossoms festival, etc.  For now though, I've at least acknowledged that 1. Japan should be bumped higher on my "to see list", 2. I am a hopeless nerd....

Temples and a Junk Drawer Life

Many years ago I decided that I wanted to be a temple worker.  My dad was one for a few years and it was a great experience for him.  I have been going once a week for a long time (at least five years) so I thought that I'd try to become one too.  That doesn't seem like a particularly outrageous idea right?

Well, this is my THIRD time trying to make this happen and it has flopped every time....  

The first attempt was a few months after I received my endowment.  I confronted my bishop about becoming a temple worker.  I was really excited and figured that things would be pretty straight forward.  Nope.  My bishop commented on how I hadn't been endowed for that long.  He said I should probably give things more time to settle before becoming a temple worker.  I had given him the heads up that I had free time though.  I suddenly got called to be the activities committee cochair.  

After I got released, I thought about the idea again.  About that time I got an answer to my prayer of "Should I stick around Provo?"  I was inspired to make plans to move and those plans fell into place.  I decided it should probably wait until I was settled in Arizona.  From there I could try again.

So I finally get down to Arizona only to discover that my work schedule wasn't compatible with me doing a temple worker shift.  The shifts are weekly for about 3-4ish hours long and I needed to be at work by 9am (too far away, ruining chances of a early shift) until 730pm (ruining a chance at a late shift).  With my schedule jumping around there was no way I could make it work.

So I waited.  About a year later, things worked out and I landed an early shift.  I was excited to attempt this one more time.  I waited until my travel plans had simmered down and then I approached my bishop.

He didn't give me a new calling (sigh of relief).  He said he'd contact the stake presidency.  Of course, things didn't go through to the stake presidency smoothly either.  It took another couple of months for my Bishop to get me the information I needed to get things in the stake rolling.

Then things looked promising.  At the start of this week I was excited.  I had gotten a text from someone from the stake presidency for an interview and it finally seemed like things would happen now.

Then, I found out this week that my coworker quit her job.  We were already short staffed, but this is basically a death sentence to a care free summer.  I have semi-seniority, but not enough to get out of having to do gobs of overtime (more money but meh, I'd rather have my summer).  This, of course, will make it difficult to have 4ish hours extra time on a consistent day of the week to be a temple worker.

I guess I'll still meet with the stake presidency.  I'll keep faith that something might work out while acknowledging that it may just be God's will that this isn't supposed to happen right now (again).  I just feel frustrated about this turn of events. 

It feels like the universe is giving me signs and I don't know if its just Satan trying to be a pain in the butt or if God thinks I'm not ready for this...  Or that I'm being an overly analytical girl and that I need to have faith that things will work out when they work out and that it simply isn't time yet.  

This isn't the only thing in my life that feels just out of my reach.  Dating, family relationships, life plans....  Every time I reach a little harder I feel like I've almost got it.   Its at my finger tips but just when I think I've grasped it, everything slips through my fingers.  I don't know what I'm doing wrong.  Am I not struggling hard enough?  Do I need to take a leap into the unknown and rely that God will help me, possibly bless me with something better if I just move forward?  Does God expect me to be more patient, to trust that He'll make everything work if I quietly do what I can in the situation I'm in?   

I don't expect any answers right now.  I need to focus on what I do have and do know and just move forward.  Its just a mess though.  My life is a junk drawer that I'm trying to clean out.   I'm poking at things going "I don't know where to begin", "Where is this even from?". I guess a girl has to start somewhere...  :P

A Flash Mob Kind of Life

This post is sort of inspired by the new Brandon Sanderson book, but not entirely.  I've had this idea for a while but the timing of the post is partly due to the book (which is really good).

I sing to myself a fair amount.  I used to belt it out when I worked graveyard shift and it was just me (and Rob, and Marifi) in the lab (they didn't care).  I thought it might die away when I worked day shift with more people around but...  nope.  I still catch myself singing at my current job although I keep the volume anywhere from a mp to a pp (or maybe a mf if its the weekend and no one else is standing in my department).  I sing in the parking lot, in the car, cleaning my house.  Singing to myself is a BIG habit of mine that I don't know if I could ever really break.  Creating music helps me express myself and does good things for the soul.

It makes me feel so good that I wish that people would sing along with me.  It would be fun to sing with other people on a regular basis and I sometimes wish group singing was still a common thing in society.  There isn't a question about WHY it isn't as common anymore; with the radio and MP3s, no one need rely on their own voices for entertainment.  I'm not complaining that we have such easy access to high quality of music either, but I also feel a sense of loss that the majority of society has lost the motivation to fill the silence with their own voices.  

People still write music, but not as much as they used to and not for so wide a variety of situations.  They used to sing work songs, cleaning songs, hunting songs, factory songs, sailing songs, cowboy songs, lumber jack songs, mining songs.  People would just make up songs for whatever the task, mood, or situation.  Can you imagine the surgeon's song, the computer programmer's medley, the lab tech ballad?  The whole idea seems a little Buddy the Elf-ish but it would be less socially awkward because no one would be singing alone.

But if you really think about it; its something deep within us, something natural.  We all have some sort of universal connection to music, even at a young age.  Babies will bounce to the beat.  When toddlers are exposed to music, they right away start making up songs.  Granted, they aren't musical masterpieces;  they're singing about how their going upstairs and into their room and how their going to play with Mike the bear because he's his favorite but not dog even though he still thinks he's pretty cool and now its time for goldfish crackers which are good.

I feel like Moster's Inc captures this toddler tendency well

In some way, we all feel connected to music and we all create a unique connection with each other as we share music.  When we listen to a song on the radio together, it connects us.  However, when you are singing a song with the people close to you, possibly a song that you wrote together, or a song that is more specific to what you are really doing or feeling, it connects you in a deeper, more substantial way.  In a world growing ever and ever more superficially connected through digital connections and less and less connected to the people living and breathing around them, no wonder people so often feel isolated, lonely, and disconnected.

Maybe someday I'll be able to discover a niche in that sort of world.  A world that feels like a musical or a Disney movie or a flash mob.  I want to live in a world full of music and dancing and human connections.  I guess I'll have to keep jamming to the beat of my own heart until I find it.

Conspiracy

Sometimes as I state that I believe in true love and that love will find me, I feel like I’ve just announced that I believe in Santa Claus or the Easter Bunny.  People are like “Look at all of these people that found true love.  It happens.  Your turn will be next.”  In my mind it translates: “Look what he left behind!  All of these presents.  Maybe you’ll see him next year.”  People tell me that you can’t plan for it; you just have to let it just happen.  It feels like a great conspiracy.  You won’t find Big Foot or aliens on a hunt; you have to be in the right place and let them find you. 

Now don’t get me wrong.  I still believe in love and believe that love will find me.  I also know I’m far from being a lost cause.  If my primary objective was merely to settle down with a good man and live contentedly as “Jill the married woman”, this would be a done business.  However, I want to be in the relationship that makes sense in my head and feels right in my heart, something that my young self never dreamed would be so hard.  I don’t feel like I’m unreasonable in my expectations either.  I’m not looking for a sunshine, lollipops, and rainbows sort of love.  I’m not blind to the fact that a healthy relationship takes work and sacrifice.  I just want to be confident that I’m in a relationship I want to fight for, to be horribly, hopelessly, passionately in love.  After all of the crap that has gone on in my love life up to this point, dating feels like a Quixotesque escapade.  Its one that I know is noble and good, but I question my sanity as I charge ahead again into the fray. 

Time to see if Dulcinea want to go for a round of minigolf.  Lets ride Sancho!

And maybe people do have to be a little mad to fall in love.  They do it every day.  Its a miracle people find each other and make things work and fortunately, I believe in a God of miracles.  I have faith He will help me unravel my destiny.  Someday riding off into the sunset with the man I love won’t feel so farfetched.  I mean, it might not be on the back of a noble steed or pegacorn or anything, maybe a bicycle for two, but it’ll happen.

Write it down, make it happen

I've been hearing a lot about this concept of "Write it down, make it happen".  It gets a lot of hype but apparently it works.  In some ways it makes sense; you're keeping your goals and dreams on the forefront of your mind.  However, some of the stuff I've heard has been outright far-fetched.  Things like a girl writing down a long detailed lists (REALLY obscure details) about a future spouse and everything happening exactly the way she said.  A musician who had the most distant of his professional goals realized.   Someone becoming a new person, changing the world, all because it was written down .  Part of me is still a little bit of a skeptic...  Still, I'll give it a shot anyways.  If none of it comes to pass, hopefully you may find it diverting.

I'll meet a man who isn't a perpetual texter but will call me up and then try to spend time with me.  He'll be chivalrous but more than that, genuine, because he really cares about people, really respects women, wants to be a good man.  Dating won't feel like a game because he'll be straightforward and drama free.  I will feel completely myself around him all of the time.  

I'll finally fall in love with a man who makes me laugh all of the time.  It'll do great things for my abs.  My cheek muscles will probably get sore too because with a man that makes me that happy, I won't be able to stop smiling.  

He'll be in to my bucket listing.  I know myself enough to know that I couldn't fall in love with someone who isn't at least a bit of an adventurous dreamer like I am.  However, he'll go above and beyond, do silly things like start going by Jack in hopes that we can compete together in a swing dance competition.  He'll help me check off item number 73 and propose when we're in zero gravity.  We'll be floating together and he'll just whip out the box and let the ring float over to my hand and I'll slip it on my finger.  He wouldn't want it to go viral or anything, but the video would probably get a million views or something.

He'll be a bigger nerd than I am (obviously if we're going up to space).  He'll be a creative go-getter-done sort too.  When I get the idea to try some sort of crazy project, he will turn into a big kid trapped in a ruggedly handsome man's body.  We'll build that greenhouse in our backyard, attempt raising chickens, plan a family flashmob, take that family trip to Chick-Fil-A dressed like cows, etc.  He will come up with plans cooler than the ones I just listed and the two of us will have fun, even if things don't work out how we initially planned.

He'll make me feel sane when the kids drive me crazy.  He'll be incredibly patient and kind when I am feeling frustrated and worn out.  He'll make me feel beautiful, even when we're old and wrinkled.  

I have been emotionally everywhere this week and although things have improved the last few days, today at the temple my soul finally felt wholly at peace.  After I got to the Celestial Room all of these elderly couples hobbled in.  My heart kind of melted everywhere as I heard a nearby couple tell each other that they loved each other.  In the end that's all I want.  If I can't have a love that'll last forever, then maybe I really will just run off to Dubai, become independently wealthy bachelorette.  For now, I'm still here...  writing this down...  

Alright universe.  I'm waiting.  Make it happen.

Prometheus and the Phoenix

Do you remember the Awkard Time Bomb?  It was about two years ago so here is a link in case you need some refreshing.

This:  http://jillschuler.blogspot.com/2011/12/life-is-ninja.html

Followed by this:  http://jillschuler.blogspot.com/2011/12/awkward-time-bomb.html

I don't know if I ever finished the story...  I don't think so.  Its been two years.  Its probably safe to finish it.  

Little did I know, the time bomb would detonate early.  Much much earlier than I expected.  There was no time to run for cover when the "other guy" and I had a REALLY awkward conversation on the drive to the dance that started "So, I read your blog, and its totally alright if you dance with other people.".....  Because that won't really make me feel genuinely awkward, to feel understood by a man who I barely knew.  PAUSE: I don't want someone to feel awkward if they are that guy checking me on facebook who goes "Oh, she has a blog"!  If you are hoping to get to know me and are reading this right now, it is in the public domain, feel free to keep reading.  Just don't tell me about it until I can get to know you in person.  

Since I learned from the lesson of December 2011, I won't be disclosing my full situation here for the world to see, but it currently has left me feeling a bit like Prometheus.

He wants to do the right thing, sharing what access he has to warmth and light to help those who are struggling, people who he cares about.  In return, he is chained to a rock, doomed to have an eagle eats out his heart forever (well, liver, but I'm going to use heart since it translates more applicably to modern days this way.  The emotional/ biological center of the Greeks was the liver).  Feeling raw and alone, he traces the gaping hole where his heart once raced.  Wasn't it just yesterday that he had been in the same situation? His heart will grow back, beat strong and proud.  For now, though,  he feels empty.  

Understand my situation is a little less extreme.  It wasn't my full heart, just a flicker of hope, anticipation, a sense of excitement; I could feel the faintest beats growing in my chest. Regardless, things came to a dead halt rather abruptly and now my life demands I play an Elinor Dashwood.

Things may work out unexpectedly.  Maybe I am jumping to conclusions as things have taken an unexpected turn.  Time alone will unfold how all involved parties truly feel.  How bland our journeys to love might seem if a girl didn't find herself crossed in love every now and then.  I guess I must trust that my heart will forever have the power to regrow and that someday, things will work out.  Of that I have every confidence.

In a murderous time the heart breaks and breaks and lives by breaking. It is necessary to go through dark and deeper dark and not to turn. I am looking for the trail. -Stanley Kunitz

I feel the tale of Prometheus deserves an appropriate ending.  Someday a Phoenix will swoop down on the Eagle midflight, and return to Prometheus a new heart, one infused with a brilliant fire.  Prometheus will have the power to melt his chains, fly with the Phoenix off into the sunset and the two will blaze across the sky.  Huddled around their fires, men will gaze up at what appears to be a shooting star and forever keep on wishing.