Pumpkin Patch 2015

October and Halloween aren't complete until you have been to a pumpkin patch! 

We have been going to this pumpkin patch for the last 5 years,  the kids love the little corn maze, hay stack which now has a slide , the petting zoo of farm animals and of course finding the perfect pumpkin to carve. John and I enjoy their fresh fruit and vegetable market, which sells the best salsa.

My favorite part of our pumpkin patch tradition besides the photo ops is letting the kids each pick out a pumpkin as well as finding a perfect white one for their sister Jocelyn.  I love the symbol of seeing all four orange pumpkins with a white one in heaven.

Once everyone has their pumpkins and has been through all the fun activities we either head off to lunch or this year the food truck of yummy mini donuts for a treat. Who knew picking out pumpkins could work up such an appetite. Once we got our little treat you would have thought the kids had never seen food before. I was lucky to have gotten a bite.

Milestones Of Broken Dreams

Today! I should have shared what was to be your big day! The 1st day of Kindergarten with a new hair bow, matching outfit and a backpack big as you are. Saying good bye with that bitter sweet tear of how big you have gotten, knowing how much fun you are going to have in Kindergarten........

I may not have gotten to do these things with you but I did get that tear in my eye as I saw all the cute pictures of your would be classmates posted on Facebook and took joy in seeing their excitement of their next big moment in life.

It is crazy how much time has gone by and at the same time it is as though it was yesterday. This year has been much harder then I thought knowing today was coming and the great things that come from being 5 years old.  Today stung very deep to the point my heart actually hurt, knowing that I was not taking you to your first day of school. Making this the hardest milestone thus far in this life long journey of grief and growth. I know you are here with me through every moment watching over us.

So while today is another notch in hard milestones with more to come. I will day dream of you in a much different class room learning personally from the greatest teacher ever. I imagine you with other little children gone too soon, crowed around listening to our savior Jesus Christ.

Always in our hearts and never forgotten, till we meet again butterfly princess.

Spring Happenings

Spring has been in the air and weather is beautiful! The boys were recently out of school for the past two weeks. We had plans for many fun activities, but sadly mommy was sick most of it. But we were able to fit a few things in. We were able to go the aquarium and check out the new rope bridge. Jaylee loved it.She held up the line to make it sway and scare other kids. 

 Jaylee was recently given lots of clothes from her cousin Sophia. This dress was her favorite and refused to let me take it off her. Thanks Sean and Natalie

This past Easter was fun to see Jaylee learn the art of the Easter Egg hunt. She learned quickly and followed her brothers every where. 

Our Easter/Spring visit. I love going to the cemetery at this time of year when the grass is a new fresh green and loved ones have set out Easter decor. Here is where I am reminded that death is not final and we will all be together again. 

Our 4th Annual Service Project: Updated...

Back in January we had our annual Jocelyn service project. Where we collected fabric for a an amazing organization Teeny Tears. They make and create little diapers for preemie and micro preemie babies and their bereaved families. I have had the honor through my volunteer service with Share parents of Utah to help place these sweet diapers on these precious angels. There are no words to express how the parents of these angels feel when they see their baby dressed and treated with love and care in a time of great sorrow.

Through out the month of January we received lots of amazing donations of flannel for Teeny Tears. Even the women of our previous church ward ,Mill Canyon ward, put together a diaper making event where we were able to cut, start and complete diapers. In there were over 300 diapers in various stages from start to finish. I am sooo grateful for those women. It was wonderful evening of seeing old friends who have always been an amazing support to my family. Thank you!!!!

 My mother was able to come and help cut out diapers with us.

These two amazing ladies are the creators behind Teeny Tears and devote many hours of love into getting these diapers to hospitals across the country and out of the country. I am honored to know them and help.

I also received an amazing donation in Jocelyn's name from Angel Outfitters another group or sister group to Teeny Tears that make and supply buntings, hats, headbands to help dress theses sweet angels. This amazing donation will be used by local hospitals here in Utah, for Share parents of Utah.

I also had received amazing little outfit knitted by my childhood best friend Amber to be donated. As well as these cute little hats knitted by a co-worker of my mother.

I am overly grateful for all those who helped in making this years service project a success. It warms my heart to know that families who will sadly experience a loss of a child will be cared for with these items for their sweet precious angel babies. Thank You again!!

Truly a beautiful site of all the those fabrics and diapers.

Jocelyn's Fourth Annual Service Project

I am pleased and excited to be working with Teeny Tears Bereavement Diapers This year!!! By doing a fabric drive.

"Teeny Tears is a service organization that provides tiny flannel diapers at no charge to hospitals and bereavement support organizations for families that have suffered the loss of a preemie or micropreemie child through stillbirth or NICU loss"

 To learn more about teeny tears please visit their blog at http://teenytears.blogspot.com/2011/07/welcome-to-teeny-tears.html

As a volunteer with Share Parents of Utah and having the opportunity to place these diapers on such little angels and seeing their parents light up knowing their child was properly clothed in a diaper made just for them is a very special.

So from now until the end Of January I will be collecting any and all sorts of flannel fabric that will be used to make and create these diapers to be donated to hospitals across the country. If you are able and willing to help this awesome organization please drop fabric off at my home or contact me to come pick up.
Flannel is preferred but soft cotton also is welcomed as well.

If you aren't able to contribute any fabric but still want to help. You can donate directly to Teeny Tears at http://teenytears.blogspot.com/ and to the left is donation option through PayPal. Funds are used for the purchase of fabric, other supplies to make the diapers and shipping costs to the send them out to the hospitals. Any amount would be very much appreciated. If you chose to donate please list in the comments "In Memory of Jocelyn"

For those of you that want or are able to make and donate any finished diapers you can request a free pattern by emailing teenytears@gmail.com(email not hyper linked)
I will be making diapers on Jocelyn Birthday January 16th so feel free to come on over to my home and join me if you would like.

Thank you from the bottom of my heart in advance in helping this well needed service for "A person is a person no matter how small"

Photos Taken from the Teeny Tears Blog. Thank You!!!

A Rainbow In My Arms, An Angel In My Heart

One might think or hope that having baby after a loss would fully heal the heart......

I am afraid to say the answer to this is complicated. Bittersweet does not even begin to explain the war of emotions. I know and knew another child could never replace Jocelyn nor would I want to. But to know this and to actually feel it are two very very different things. I am not sure I can even explain it, but I am going to attempt it.

Strange to think that 10 days ago Jaylee turned one. The day she was born was a dream one of the most surreal moments. My feelings of what if my body only carried boys with successful outcome were laid to rest. My aching arms for my baby gone to soon were filled again in love and joy making every stressful moment of being pregnant again worth it. I was amazed at every little thing each note in her first cry, her expression as she looked at me for the first time. The instant bond between father and daughter. I know I cherished theses moments with my boys but to really see them and feel them after you have felt your world shatter from the passing of your baby truly changes the view. I was fearful of missing out of any moment or detail in fear that it would end or disappear any moment. At times I felt I needed to soak in double the amount to try to make up for what I missed with Jocelyn.

A view from a year ago....

This was my view to help me stay focused on the task at hand

A brief moment with out pain or contractions

The joys of natural labor with my best friend, father of my children and the love of my life by my side.

Truly a moment I will never forget of filling my arms with such sounds and views

Introducing daddy to his rainbow princess

No words for how I feel looking at this picture.

Jaylee truly has brought a beautiful rainbow into our home. Her brothers cater to her every moment from the time they wake in the morning to the time they go to bed. To see the love they have for her, as well as the bitter sweetness they to feel.

While there is true healing being felt there begins a new chapter in this life long grief process. I feel some old wounds reopen and a new lesson of understanding and acceptance of a new normal begin. While being so in love and soaking in each new beautiful milestone of firsts moments triggers the war of two emotions that do not belong together. But some how they are being felt at the very same moment. Joy and Sorrow, as each milestone brings new joy, excitement, sorrow and longing of all things I never got to share in this life with Jocelyn. Tears of happiness flow at that first smile, first laugh, first giggle followed by tears of heartache that I never got to have with big sister. How is this possible? To feel these two emotions soooo strongly at the same time?  There is no explanation, other then they are the emotions that confirm the existence of my two girls. I have had to learn to ride them as they come.

Once we started settling into life and daily routines and feeling these conflicting emotions, came the crazy mom syndrome. We all have it to some degree. I remember them to a point with the boys, but this time it was much more intense. I worried about every little thing, still thinking that at any moment she would be taken from me. Sleeping was so not possible. I spent many nights up just watching her sleep. I spent days not moving off the couch holding her afraid if I moved I miss something. In those nights and days I found tears flowing at how wonderful that she was here and what it would have been like if Jocelyn were here as pesky toddler. I became weary of every little thing, questioned everything I had never questioned before. But overtime they subsided and I began to relax, but there are somethings I still tread more cautiously. These fears and extra concerns didn't affect just myself ,but everyone else as well. Such as about two months ago we had been to dinner at Red Robin and we were trying to finish up and leave. Jaylee got her hands on some paper that she put in her mouth and gagged slightly. Jacob felt I was not taking care of it fast enough so his response to me was "Mom!! hurry she will choke and we Do Not!! want to lose another sister!" Moments like that are when reality is felt and proves that the boys understand far more then one thinks.

Over the past 10 days since Jaylee has turned one. I have felt such peace and joy of what our reality is. The battle of the crazy mom and war of emotions doesn't seem to rage as often. But they are there. I felt them more strongly coming into Jaylee's 1st birthday. I know there will be more of these moments in the future such as school, learning to drive, dating, college and one day a wedding. We will cross those moments with love and excitement with a tender tug at the heart. I hope to share everything with Jaylee and teach her of her sister and how she waits for us and watches over us. Although I am sure Jaylee will teach us of her big sister with moments of quiet where I notice Jaylee laughing, giggling and carrying on with someone but no one is there. But is felt. I would not change the way things are.Ok, maybe every once in while, but I am learning that feeling joy and sorrow at the same time can be a gift of tender mercy to remind me not to take anything for granted.

Jaylee Turning ONE!!!

So crazy that a year ago yesterday I dropped off my sweet little Joseph for his first day of Kindergarten and off to the hospital to deliver our rainbow princess Jaylee. It still seems like a dream at times.

I am not even sure what to say about her birthday so I will let the pictures do all the talking......

I love your birthday outfit!!! I am so pleased how it all came together. I had ordered the skirt shortly after she was born and then custom ordered her shirt and headband. She is the Rainbow Princess.

Someone didn't want to wait for everyone else to get there to open presents. So yes I let her sneak one in there to hold her over. I think enjoyed the paper more.

The Cake!!! the center piece of any birthday!!! My awesome brother Sean has taken up the hobby of making cakes for friends and family along with the help of his beautiful wife. It turned out sooo perfect!!! Including the cupcakes I found on pintrest :)

But before we dig into the cake must eat food!!! We kept it simple and had a hot dog bar with all kinds of toppings. Always a kid favorite.

Can we say spoiled!!! OK well loved. As you can tell she had no problem catching onto this whole open presents thing.

Candle and song!!!

Drum Roll Please............

Hum.....

OK.....

Feels different.....Taste yummy!!......

I am liking this.....

Aww!! Look there is more to this sweet squishy outer layer......

Check me out!!!

Yep!!! We got this in the bag!!!

What a great way to end the day with a fun messy birthday cake!!! She made a bigger mess then her brothers did on their first birthdays. Although they had coached her a little from the side lines. 

After all was done and said I want to thank everyone who came and shared in the day with us. I felt such a release and weight lift for a perfect day!! We are so glad Jaylee is in our family and brightens everyone she meets. 

......I have another post coming sharing the thoughts and emotions of this past year........

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