It's so cold in Dayton, Ohio I just tried to pee and wound up snowing into the toilet. I’m talking cold, people.

I once dated a witch whose tits were so cold I got my tongue stuck on her nipple for a day and a half and they were still warmer than this.

It’s colder in Ohio than Mitt Romney’s chances at the White House.

It’s so cold my Frosted Flakes really are.

Tonight it’s supposed to snow and get even nastier.

Yes, this is the kind of evening where it’s nice to have a room filled with D.V.D.s and video games. I think I’ll spend the evening curled up in a chair watching movies and drinking hot cocoa.

I might even make a cup for Felicia once she finishes shoveling the driveway and sidewalk around the house.

Be safe and warm wherever you are, gentle souls. I’m off to salt the grounds...