/

 One week to go and I think I have completely lost it.

[inserts mess.jpg]

[inserts parcelsss.jpg]

[inserts good_weather.jpg]

I now bask in the scent of Autumn Wreath and 8 hours of Christmas songs (no mid roll ads!!) in an effort to keep the self calm.

Being a new chasen owner the self is now bestowed the power to have any amount of matcha at any time of the day. Which is rather hazardous.

Current count of dead plants in the house: 4. 

How do you let go?

Look at me

Sad and alive

Both equally, repulsively undesirable

This is my attempt to... find peace. Closure. Whatever it is.

On Sunday, my light, my world, my little flame, my dear Wallie left.

She left, and ever since, I can’t help but constantly wonder, where to? Where is she, where is her consciousness now? Surely one leaves to arrive elsewhere, no? I allow myself the senseless act of wonder, but not to dig further. I fear I may not like the answers.

I don’t know what to do, not knowing. 

Not knowing where has she gone to. Not knowing whether there was much pain and fear. Not knowing whether she knew what was going on. Not knowing whether she knew that despite being far away from her, she has always been a major part of our daily conversations, our daily lives. Not knowing whether she knew that we love her so, so much.

I don’t know what to do. 

I alternate between hourly/half-hourly sobs and pretending that this all didn’t happen. Watching Netflix helps my eyes rest. I don’t want to do anything else. I don’t want to cook, I don’t want to clean, I don’t want to function. I don’t know how.

There is so much I haven’t told her, so much I haven’t shown her. There is so much more to give.

I still can’t believe she’s... gone. And that I don’t know where has she gone to. It wasn’t supposed be like this. On Thursday in a self-introductory session I mentioned that, ‘I have a dog.’ Little did I know that it would be the last time I would have the privilege to say so.

I bought some flowers and printed some photos. The plan was to light some candles and say some words. But I couldn’t do it because I don’t know if it matters. Nothing really matters anymore. Not when the one thing that means the world to me isn’t around anymore.

How do I go on from here.

My dearest princess, my dearest Wallie, you probably won’t be able to read this, but right now all I can do, apart from letting the memories of you fill up my mind and endless sobbing, is hope. I hope you are running wild to your heart’s content right now, I hope you are in a happy place, I hope you get to eat all the food you want. I also really, really hope you know how much I love you, how much light and joy you have brought into my life, how much you mean to me, how much I think and talk about you all the time. I hope you know that you’re not only a good, clever girl, but the best one. I hope you know that I know how very brave you are towards the end, and how thankful I am to have you in my life. Thank you for letting me love you, letting me take you for walks, letting me share my food with you. Thank you for welcoming me home every time despite my decreasing frequency of coming back. Thank you for trusting me enough to let me pet you, let me stroke you, let me give you belly rubs. Thank you for using my lap as your pillow and my leg as your bolster. Thank you for letting us be your world and accepting us for who we are. Thank you for being our family and thank you for choosing us to be yours. I hope you know we love you very, very much, and we miss you so dearly, so awfully much.

I hope you know.

Happy birthday, my sweetest, precious angel. I love you very much.

Shelf-life

Past data suggest that every time I have something to say here, I am either bored, very much in love, or hella annoyed.

Today I write because I am absolutely livid.

(Well, I was. I have since removed myself from the situation and am currently sitting in a $500 chair in my pyjamas in a room with non-antartic temperature so I am much calmer now. Still, it lingers.)

Everyday I go to work I want to remove myself from the situation. On many occasions I even went as far as tempting fate. This can be done by placing a pair of chopsticks in a vertical position right in the centre of your box of Asian take-out meal. It has to be Asian because you need the mass of rice / noodles as a foundation to support said chopsticks' upright position. This method is not only limited to a take-out boxes though, I just prefer it that way because COVID and also I don't like to talk to people. To put it very mildly.

To no avail, of course.

I have since given up the idea and stopped the ritual and I now bring overnight oats for lunch. For the method above to work you really need patience, which is something I lost probably 56789 times in my entire duration at work.

And yes, today was one of those days. I don't know why I put myself through this, honestly. (I believe I know who, though, because I need someone to blame.) One thing I've always had trouble grasping is WHY CAN'T PEOPLE JUST LIVE THEIR LIVES AND LEAVE ME THE HELL ALONE and also HOW AND WHY THE BLOODY HELL CAN ONE SO EASILY JUST WHIP NONSENSE OUT OF THIN AIR. Okay that was two. I really don't know how else to establish that I am in no way going to create a pocket of time out of my limited breathing seconds for unnecessary nonsense. If there is anything I can live without it's nonsense like this. And a job too, for now. I was this close to turning to my superior and saying my magic words today, which in my head goes like this: Please refrain from assigning me any further cases. When asked why, I will say, 'just, don't,' with a smile. When further pressured, I will say, 'my shelf-life is coming to an end.'

I need to capitalize on my emotions more.

2020

Oh, what a year.

0435 - I like listening to the voices of the... departed.

The Answer is No

In my latest tramp towards making life more bearable, I have crafted a song by accident, owing to a series of (the same) questions asked thrice within a span of 10 seconds.

It goes like this:

The answer is no
The answer is no
Nehneh nehneh nehneh neh neh
The answer is no

It is in a major key, and involves no more than seven notes.

It has quickly become one of my favourite songs because it is as powerful as it is cheerful. It is also incredibly convenient. Delivering bad news without demeaning a human spirit is now made possible. On some occasions, it is followed by laughters.

This song has proven useful many times since its inception some 40 hours ago. Below are some real-life situations of when the song has been put to great use:

'Dear can I get a computer?'

'Dear can I get a gaming laptop?'

'Dear will you whine when you have to leave this place?'

'Does this mean I can get VPN?'


I foresee more milage from this very creation in the future. To hear the actual melody, please call me and ask whether I will ever get a pet cat.

Time Fillers, until We Die

Happy May, and may happy be all.

Four full weeks into the Circuit Breaker (ˈsəːkɪt ˈbreɪkə - noun; a fancy term for lockdown) and I am still lovin' it. (Sigh.) In the month of April I had been out for grocery for a grand total of three times, and was only deemed essential by society/government for four days. What laundry? The last time I was out of the country was in March. In fact, I have been staying put for close to two months now. That is also the approximate length of time the hairdryer has been left unused. Not having to set an alarm anymore, my waking hours range from 11am to 5pm. I estimate the mean to be 3:55pm. (The median is 4pm, the mode is 4:30pm.) What little is left of the sunlight I use to talk to my book. True story.

As it is with human nature, we only know we want something after it(s accessibility) is taken away from us. For whatever (/exactly that) reason, I had this unwavering craving for kimchi almost immediately following the confiscation of my freedom to move about. And might I add, kimchi falls under the category of 'scare commodity' in this climate. It wasn't without failure, but we (SO and I. He lives with me now. No story.) managed to acquire some after a few attempts. Our cooking (Yes. That is an activity I partake in now. No story.) revolves heavily around kimchi, because not only it keeps us sane, it also compensates our lacking in skill and instantly upgrades our dish from one spectrum to the other on a edible-nonedible scale.

The next thing I craved for was cake. More specifically, New York Cheesecake. Also chocolate cake. And everything from Souka. While I haven't been able to fulfil my soul's desire for a good cheesecake (Tokyo Restaurant, Secret Recipe maybe, Cheesecake Factory - all inaccessible by foot) I had managed to get a small, decent chocolate cake off a bakery nearby during one of our grocery run. The very day before cakes officially fall into the same category as kimchi. And for that I am eternally grateful to myself. If you must know, this was the week where I woke up one Sunday morning to find out that McDonald's had frozen their operations here. In SO's exact words,' Dear, I have bad news'. I haven't really made a big deal out of it (, yet,) because I know it will only amplify the pain. So I don't think about it. I think about and give thanks to my chocolate cake which I had been indulging in sparingly. I ate the last of it two days ago.

Last week though, I started craving to - wait for it - create. Ha. I don't know how long has it been sitting there, but there's this faint, nudging desire in what may or may not be my soul to... make up things from scratch. Maybe it's the universe telling me to find solace in something that isn't there yet. Something that isn't already there, something that cannot be taken away from me. So I went ahead and create. Create pictures. Create drawings. Create accounts. Create arrangements of words. (I hereby attribute my presence back here to such craving.) And I am liking it so far. I'd like to think that I am giving back a tiny, meagre shred of myself to the world, a world drowned with all forms of art and creations. A world where I'm surrounded by others' creations every single day. It's insignificant, but, it's something. I guess. Creating is a long, arduous process for me though - I need things (that I truly care about) to be perfect, or in their best form. But, for lack of a better choice, I will keep doing it for now. I don't know how long will this urge last for, or how much more time of mine will be filled with creating, but I'd like to continue for now.

I have twelve hours a day to fill up, after all.

AALV: DAY 2/6

ARRRGHGHGHGHGHGGGHH.

THIS DAY HAS BEEN SO UNSWELL THAT I’VE DECIDED TO DEDICATE SOME TIME TO WRITE ABOUT IT. I’LL JUST DIVE INTO IT AND SKIP TO THE PART WHERE I DID NOT HAVE A GOOD SLEEP THE NIGHT BEFORE BUT WAS SOMEHOW AWOKEN BEFORE NOON AND MANAGED TO DRAG MYSELF FOR AN IMPROMPTU LUNCH APPOINTMENT AND THEN WITH NO PURPOSE AFTER LUNCH I WENT TO LOOK FOR A CAFE TO CHILL WHICH OF COURSE EVERYONE’S FIRST CHOICE WAS STARBUCKS WHICH THEN OF COURSE MEANT THAT THE GOOD SPOTS WERE TAKEN WHICH THEN MEANT THAT I DID SOME WALKING AND SEARCHING TIL I FINALLY SAW A CAFE WITH A CORNER SEAT WITH A POWER POINT AROUND IT SO I DECIDED I WOULD SPEND THE NEXT FIVE HOURS THERE.

WHEN ASKED WHETHER THEY HAVE SOY MILK OPTION FOR THEIR CHOCOLATE DRINK GUY AT THE COUNTER SAID YES, ONLY TO CHANGE HIS ANSWER 4 SECONDS LATER WHEN HE ASKED GUY AT THE BAR. I ORDERED A CHOCOLATE DRINK ANYWAY BECAUSE I COULDN’T JUSTIFY THE SAME AMOUNT OF MONEY FOR A LITTLE BAG OF CRUSHED LEAVES AND SOME AMOUNT OF HOT WATER. THE WAVE HAS YET TO COME BUT I SUSPECT IT WOULD BY TOMORROW MORNING. ALL I ASK FOR IS THAT IT NOT ARRIVE WHEN I AM ON MY BUS RIDE HOME TOMORROW. I HAVEN’T TAKEN A BUS BACK ON THIS ROUTE FOR MAYBE HALF A DECADE NOW SO WE WILL SEE HOW IT GOES. 

I KNOW I SAID I’LL DIVE INTO IT TWO PARAGRAPHS AGO BUT PARDON ME FOR BEING ESPECIALLY ARTICULATE WHEN I AM ANGRY. HERE, HAVE A LOOK AT ONE OF MY ANGER CONTRIBUTOR:

I TRIED AND TRIED TO CONNECT TO THE WIFI USING THR PASSWORD PRINTED ON THE RECEIPT BUT THIS KEPT POPPING UP. WHEN I FOUND OUT MORE, AS PER SUGGESTED, I WAS ASKED TO PAY AN UNSETTLED AMOUNT OF RM166 OF BILL. WHY. DID I MENTION THAT MY QUALITY OF REST THE NIGHT BEFORE WAS BELOW AVERAGE? I LOOKED AROUND AND DECIDED TO DO WHAT EVERYONE ELSE WAS DOING: PRETEND THAT THE WIFI WAS WORKING. FOR FIVE WONDERFUL HOURS. IN ALL FAIRNESS I DID NOT ASK THEM ABOUT IT SO I DON’T KNOW, MAYBE GUY AT THE COUNTER COULD HAVE WHIPPED OUT HIS CARD AND PAID FOR THE UNSETTLED BILL ON THE SPOT BUT NO. I SHALL NOT HAVE HIM TELL ME THAT WIFI IS WORKING ONLY TO DEFY WHAT OUGHT TO BE FOUR SECONDS LATER. ALSO, WHY THE HELL DIDN’T THEY PUT A NOTICE ABOUT THE WIFI NOT WORKING BEFORE ANYONE DECIDES TO PURCHASE A BEVERAGE / RIGHT TO A SEAT FOR THE NEXT FIVE HOURS?

ANYWAY FIVE HOURS CREPT SLOWLY BUT I MANAGED TO LIVE THROUGH IT THANKS TO MUCH UNUSED PHONE DATA. BUT. STILL.

NIGHT WAS QUITE ALRIGHT BECAUSE I HAD DINNER WITH LOVELY PEOPLE BUT I HAVE REACHED  THE POINT WHERE IT WOULD BE WEIRD IF I UNCAPITALIZED MY WRITING SO JUST READ THIS SWIFTLY AS IF I WERE STILL ANGRY.

AND THEN.

I SHALL DIVE INTO THE PART WHERE ONCE AGAIN INTERNET WAS REQUIRED AND A CERTAIN PLACE WAS SELECTED BASED ON THE INFORMATION PROVIDED BY GOOGLE MAPS. BEFORE PLACING AN ORDER FOR A BEVERAGE THAT I DO NOT WISH TO CONSUME, I SPECIFICALLY ASKED TO CONFIRM THAT THEIR CLOSING TIME WAS AT 1AM AND OF COURSE GUY AT THE COUNTER SAID YES. IT WAS 11:50PM THEN AND WHEN WE RECEIVED OUR DRINK SOME MINUTES LATER OF COURSE WE WERE TOLD THAT THEY CLOSE AT 12 THAT NIGHT AND BY THIS POINT I HAD MADE MYSELF COMFORTABLE, CHARIZARD WAS AWOKEN AND I WAS ABOUT TO START AN ONLINE ASSESSMENT WHICH ONCE STARTED HAS TO BE CONTINUED FOR THE NEXT 35 MINUTES. ALL I WANT IS TO GET A JOB THAT PAYS LESS THAN HALF MY CURRENT EARNINGS WITH 10 TIMES THE WORKLOAD WHY WON’T ANYONE LET ME HAVE IT ARGHGHGHGHGGHHGGHGHGH

That's not how it works

The problem with my life, on top of it being someone else's idea, is that I, the fruit of an idea, have no idea on how to run it. Also, I am not supposed talk much about it. I am beginning to realize that my life has been centering around pretty much work and the rules (spoken and unspoken) that comes with it for the past three years, and in honouring them I have been restricting and suppressing myself so much. I want to say no more, but.

Despite my painless effort of hoping for a cancellation earlier yesterday, I had one of my best days at work today. A certain one-day affair that repels many. By the grace of God I am able to list out the beverages I had prepared today: a glass of orange and pineapple mix and two glasses of coke zeros.    And, the people were lovely. My eyes are threatening to shut right now but I would really rather get my feelings out before I sleep tonight.

Yes I asked for this.

Four months ago I acquired two units of wardrobe, thinking it would solve all the problems I have in life. That's not meant to be a direct equation, but you get the point. For whatever reason I had the impression that finally, with this bold move, my life would turn around, my obstructions all gone. Except that they aren't. They are very much still around. In my wardrobe, in my head, on the table. In spite of that I am very much tempted to dedicate my next big solution to life to my future purchase of yet another iPhone. To be fair, I am at the point where I am constantly looking for things to be deleted in order to receive messages, in order for Charmeleon (current available storage: 56MB) to function healthily... for two years now.

Now that I'm putting these into words I can see that storage is a grand theme in my life's problems. Oh the clarity.

I suspect that I gather my thoughts and write better when I am... not happy (I really want to say angry, but I'm not particularly feeling it right now). Every time I try to put something up here I end up with something like this. I came back from Los Angeles last week and I had every intention to at least write about it here. You (/I) would expect road trips, Grand Canyon, Joshua Tree, downtown LA and all that. Except no. I went to this place called Eggslut. They make really good eggs. Which doesn't justify the name really but I am learning to accept.

I may come back more.

Thank the stars it's Friday

1037: Is my flight cancelled yet?


*****

Update at 2236: Nope.