April Rains

Research, tutoring, eat, sleep, church. That pretty sums up my existence for the moment. Waking, walking to uni, work/teach the next 14 hrs, walk back home, sleep. My life defined by a footpath that takes 20 minutes to span. The walking is my ritual of "putting" on the day's challenge, and for "stripping" off the exhaustion at the remains of the day. Thus, I commune with God, walking with hands in the pocket, ambling along thru tree-lined roads, quiet paths and verdant lawns, winding through university halls and covered walkways, through fog, rain and cold. And chillier, it gets, ever steadily; leaves yellow, and begin to quiver, begging to return to the earth from whence it comes.

The walking keeps my sanity intact. What would have been my busrides where my mind can unpack the day's events and get off the zone, I now do during the walk. I chat and talk with God, cry out in desparation for the needs of the day and the hour, think through the needs and wants, reason my existence and purposes of intentions. Food for thought; food for the soul.

And the weather - lovely chilliness - keep things fresh. Sitting on a bench over-looking a cricket lawn, watching the sunset with a cup of tea in my hands, freshly brewed before I stroll over from my lab. Need to breathe. Need to focus. The coldness has a renewing sort of depth to it. It says "start again", "break out", "be real". The rain washes and confirms that.

Been spending too much time in the lab and the classrooms. Oh, how I long to breathe, to run the fields, roll on the grass, feel the wind in my hair, the sun in my face. To soak in music that pull at my heart, food and wine that make the heart glad, oil that makes the face to shine, faithful company that is true.

Thank you Lord, for the little things. For friends who call, for dinners at 11pm, for moments of respite, conversations that engage the soul. Great is Thy faithfulness! The stars in the night echo your name, shout in jubilation your excellence, the Glory of Your name. Thank you for rambles thru vineyards, barrelstacks, melting beef, singing under stars, divine strings that wait to be pulled on.

O, May I never really feel comfortable and content with this world. Lord, point me towards you with that divine discontent, for more of you. May I never settle the good or better, for the BEST. Lord, help me to trust you when you invite me to play by the sea when I take myself too seriously playing in the mud. Tug me towards your Realer Reality, the greater framework of existence and truth. Keep that humour going, and the heart and largesse to take things in stride. Lord, the questions on my heart you know. In Your time, you make things beautiful, and I am grateful for that. Seasons roll by, and yet You are.

So here's a heartcry from the depth of a desparate season. A cry for grace, for water in the desert, shade from the glare of the furnace. Will you mould and make me. Here's my heart, Lord, take and keep it, keep it for Thy courts above, make it wholly Thine. שלום