Monday, January 29, 2007

Weather: grey sky, a bit sun
29th January 2007
Music: no music for the day. sorry.

to: SOMEONE who never even knew this blog existed(pls dont go tell, I am feeling very hurt now.)

I dont know why you are treating me so coldly suddenly. I dont know why you see me as a pest suddenly. but i am now beginning to hate you, you used to be 1 of my favourite teachers. now, I hate, detest and loathe you like . I love the subject actually. but as you teach more and more, and i get more confused with the subject, with the way you treat me, I hate it even more. but thanks for spurring me on. NOw, i am determined to get an A1 for that subject for wadeva tests that are to come. and after O levels, I will. MARK MY WORDS. WILL get an A1 FOR that subject. I will march STRAIGHT into the staff room, and PIAK that piece of cert, POINT IT TO THE SUBJECT, and then tell you:" SEE THIS A1?! is not you help me get 1. Is myself, me and myself, with the help of my classmates and My all so super cool cousin who is willing to help me!" and lemme tell you something, now, i realise that i cannot depend. CANNOT depend at all on you. I love the subject a lot, but you are turning it into a hate. REALLY REALLY hate. but lemme tell you something, It will not work. it is 1 of my favourite subjects, and it will FOREVER be. I am not, not ever again be sooo foolish, to let someone like you ruin it for me. yup. NO. never ever. I will get that A1. and smack it on your face. I dont care how hard electrolysis can be, I will master all parts of the book, and piak that result. Mark my words sir. mark it. and + you even spurred me on in my ambition. My ambition, is to be a TEACHER. A good good teacher. To come back Haising, and teach A math and Chemistry, maybe bio/physics. and i WILL work hard, come back here, and be a better teacher than you. thanks for spurring me on. I will come back here, and be A much much better teacher reallly.

To everybody who is reading this, i guess you should know who i am hurt by. please please do not EVER tell that teacher or print this and show mr gng. I think i didnt even type any offensive stuff. But if i did, tel me. just feeling hurt, tired, and sick of this.. thanks for coop. gonna rest, dinner, study lers. bye.

-jErM

@ 6:06 pm

Saturday, January 27, 2007

Weather: Light drizzles. grey sky
27th January 2007
music: The singapore experience- by Hardy mertens, The stars and stripes forever- by John philip sousa

hi.
BAND
Juz got back from marching. yaya. kindda crappy. Really really hope that some pp in the band can like cooperate can? their marching the legs never lift up high enough. X(. and its not they cannot, its they dun wann. Lazy. *noooo offence* but its true maa. I also somehow need to improve. UGHH. HOW I WISH THAT WE CAN IMPROVE. you see the tanjong katong Band march. WAKAO. SO SHUAIII. mann, if only we can be like them. XD. haha. but nvm lorr. haha, anyway, when i marching that time, holding that piccolo kindda paiseh lehhs. When i see girls holding HEAVY HEAVY instruments, and me, 1 big sized-humongous-gigantic-abit of muscles BOY holding the lightest instrument in the band. =((((. eeyer. like some weakling like that. NVM. haha. after marching no need feel that way lers. haha. i HOPe that marching can play some songs. sometimes a bit boring. (no offence er Hao, hakeem) ya. then you all will reply, marching dou gao bu hao, still wann play song?! yup. haha, but nvm laa, its juz something i thought off laa. During marching, got kindda pissed by someone. dun wann say who. Later say wrong thing, then EVERYONE not happy again. =(. kk, enough bout that. ANYWAY cant WAIT FOR THE NXT BAND PRAC!! haha, the cute adorable angelic sec 1s are coming in!! WHICH MEANS 1) stacey, zhi Hao, kai ping and joanne are seniors already.*zhang da lers.. shed tears* heh. haha. cant wait to see them!! HAHAHA.=)=)!! going head over heels about it! =)=)!! squeals~screams~ haha. anyways, last band prac, me and zhi Hao went crazy, we kept doing our hands like cymbals like that. But in the end, like pissed veronika off laa. X(. well, apologised so dont worry about it. =)! haha.
Then horr, zhi HAO knows a lot of conductors. *hor?* yar. and i told them that if i ever go JC, I wont touch the piccolo ANYMORE!! haha. then zhi Hao say, " I know you wann go MJ right??! haha, i will TELL MISS SIA." *evil grins* GRR. zhi Hao arhh. PLEASEEE. dont tell. iw ann concentrate on flute. dun wann pics lers. =)! so tensed trying to master both. and if i ever go JC. i shall SHHHH about my piccolo background(which aint very good). haha. so anyways, I pray, the band of the JC i will go(I hope), will have a piccoloist (other than me). So I CAN shhhh, and dont tell anyone about it. hehheh. zhi hao arhh! YOU MUZ SHHH KAYY?!??! if not arhh. *evil grins* you see wadd happens. hehehe. =). muz jia you on zodiac and sunrise arhh. i scared that solo cannot play well niaa. =((. Y JUN DUN WANN PLAY?!?! his tone sooo much nicer, and he can play LOUDER than me lorr. haha. nvm, i didnt say anything. "YOU DIDNT SEE ANYTHING HORRS!!"


ACADEMICS
haha, this weekend only got chinese hol hmk, bio test, and physics TYS. =D!! haha. But anyways, still slacking. starting work at 6PM. haha. goshh. time is short. 3 WEEKS PER SUBJECT. where got time?!?! dont care, muz chiong liao. then get 13 points! try try!! haha. DONT CARE. muz make my juniors proud. I want it, and my juniors want it to. me and them want me to study, study hard, get into a GOOD GOOD jc.. OK. i will der. dont worry. haha, anyway, sitting beside yenny now seems really really fun. =D! haha. dont get the wrong idea, haha, at least can talk and laugh. =)! subjects seem more interesting now. SO FAST NIAA. bio already finish SEX in plants. haha, now is my *ahems* topic. SEXUAL REPRODUCTION IN MAMMALS. wahahhahah! -eeyer, so bian tai. hha. ok laa, i am kidding. but aint everyone most interested in that? LOLL. haha. speaking of LOLL. I keep on pronouncing it as "LAWW" haha. then marianne and khye an and yenny "LAWED". haha. STUDIES ARE MUCH MUCH MORE FUN when your frens around you talk and laugh with you. =). the teachers also know how stressed we are lers. haha, so they will pressurize us less. oh yeah! speaking of pressurizing, kai ru got A LOT A LOT of pressure from the teachers. MM hmm. hha. cos she got sooo freagin good in her psle score, she is expected to get 6 points for O level! WOOHOO. go kairu, you rock! haha. BUT FOR ME ARHH. i hope can get 10 -13 points, can lers. =). hha. GO EVERYBODY IN 4E1! GOGO! muz persist! and have some determination DRILLED in us. =)

EXTRAS
haha. oh, and since my posts are damn freagin long, sorry kay? I k, goonow you hate it. but then, i've decided to create my own fantasy story. mm Hmm. through a blog. like a story book in blog form! the title will be called- the adventures of the piccoloists. GOOfy hurr? haha. shhh. i will link it when i've done a nice skin, and started writing the first chapter. many chaps to come kay? haha. =). THOSE interested(like who will be?) can go and see, i will link it at "family" that area there.

thats all for now. go and work on the first chap. start work on 6. Uh huh.
bb.

-jErM

@ 4:33 pm

Thursday, January 25, 2007

weather: raining. =.=
25th January 2007
Music: Sunrise and safari. By adam gorb. SUNRISE SOLO. HEH.=)

LONG POST. CAUTION.
HIII!!! haha. ok laa. today was ok. so happy heh. Though zhi Hao mentioned in his blog that he wont trust me ( I think) anymore. at least today he talked to me normally. =). wei jun also. hehehhehe. so happy. lets hope things can be kept this way till i graduate. well, even if they cant wait for me to graduate. can we at least keep things this way? hur? can we keep the gen 2 section this way ALLLLLLLLLLLLL the way till i grad? Hmm. see first baa. speaking of graduation. sighs. I cannot hide this anymore lers laa. sorry jun, sorry zhi HAO. kept this from you all. hehe, i've been working on something to give you 2 when i graduate. haha. but scared you all reject nehhs. hmm, how nehhs? well, I plan to give you all music as my gift to you all. but i scared you all dun like nehhs. hmm, how? haha. i am writing music for a duo/trio. well, dunno laa. =D. see first. =). Juz glad that everything is ok now. OK is as in we are talking to each other "normally" now. haha.
TODAY
juz now had sectionals with myself. toopid nehhs. kenna caught by jun and zhi Hao. ughh. I was practicing the pallet lullaby(something i arranged) and my sunrise solo. Amanda heard me prac though. uh Huh. sighs. juz so so happy that nv let zhi Hao and jun hear. if not later ahh.. haiyoo. again "PLAY SO GOOD LORR STILL CAN SAY..." blabla bla. hahaha. =). Its ok, I am ok with it. NVM MAA. only until syf only. sighs. yi jiang dao syf, jiu xiang dao zhi Hao dun wann play for syf. sighs. juz hope he really thinks this through very carefully. well, hope that zhi Hao can play. pray pray pray. but if zhi Hao have too many things really dun wann. then nvm lor. SIGHS. so so soososososoosososososo sad. i betrayed my juniors trust. well, even though i lost his trust, at least, I learnt something VERY VERY IMPT. when you lose someone's trust, its super super hard to get it back ders. sighs. well. at least, i hope that we can still be friends=). anyways, today in band room, wei jun go and BOO ME. walao... then chase him like crazy. then go back and then go and tell zhi Hao that i bully him. =.=haha, nvm laa. SO LONG nv chase him lers. =) then after that, zhi Hao record me playing again. =.=""". haha, nvm laa. record all you want lorr. if you ever miss me, can hear maa. haha. then after that, head to white sands alone.Until the park there, then realise zhi HAO AND wei jun is going there too. then they down there suddenly shouted at me, wanna tell me something. end up with them at macs. =).
haha, eating eating, then saw thain yong(pri school friend) talked a while. then went to mrt call mama. then sis wanted winx, ran to popular. then saw jun and zhi Hao again. didnt greet them. cos was rushing like a madman. haha, then reached home typing this post lor. haha. then today in class, mr njoo gave us talk. Uhhuh. was kindda good. juz realised something. not enough time lers. ughh. 3 WEEKS per subject. WHERE GOT TIME?!?! oh no oh no. nvm gotta work hard soon lers. yup. haha, going off lers. bb.

-jErM

@ 7:07 pm

Wednesday, January 24, 2007

weather: OK
24th January 2007
Music: Tokyo kosei's DISNEY FANTULLUSION

hi. OK first of all, a couple of good things happened today and a super bad thing happened today. well, first time scored and ace my compre test. Mrs tang was kindda impressed with my score, heh. said she was happy with my summary. mm Hmm. 38/50. heh. muz be tycolation.=). well, then later PE, had the stamina to keep on going. so happy=)! then high jump managed to jump across though kindda awkward. heh. but still managed to jump over something i hate! =)=)!! NO ZUO WEN TEST TODAY! WOOHOO. haha. then then, english managed to complete a situated writing though my brain was dead. and then, math finally understand small changes. some delta thingy. needs more practice. heh. =). ok. then after that, go band. mood was spoilt. TOTALLY spoilt. well, what was expected came out. something which i pray hard, something which i dread. well, coat this from xinhui.

[co4e107]_ _ says:
I dunno. I am now ok, just stressed out by stuies thats all. ow just hope zhi Hao can get well, and jun dont break down as well.=(

Xinhui says:
AND, if u are helping that person then it shd occur to you all the consequences.. and be prepared to bear them..

Xinhui says:
like u guys are helping zhihao.. and he may not want u to tell his parents.. BUT, as his friend, u think that it is in his best interest to tell his parents.. what u are risking here is perhaps that he may be upset and angry with u.. but for me, i think that in the future he will probably understand.. though he will be angry and upset for some time abt it

Xinhui says:
friendship shd be able to withstand such

Xinhui says:
at least that is what i think..

YUP, hes totally mad, totally upset with me. well, at least I tried my best. Just very happy that hes still ok with jun. Hes totally ok. =). WELL. even though i cried, even though i lost his trust COMPLETELY. even though i stayed up to 12 am talking to xinhui about this etc etc. got a huge huge scolding. then he angry with me, sectionals also can see. well, dunno laa. angry then angry lor. I already apologized, I know you feel like hurt laa, cos i BETRAYED YOUR TRUST. but i really wanna help you. didnt know It got worse. well, at least i tried, and jun is not affected much by this. =). at least there is something good out of this. =). maybe this rainbow will never ever form lers. 1 half come out, the other half gone. well, sighs. at least i tried. really tried. today posts not so long. cos got a lot of things to do. uh Huh. well, juz veryvery upset also, that it would end this way. that everything is gone. well, even though that tossing and turning in bed ytd didnt meant anything. at least its like this.... xinhui also said that later dont complain to her that i am very affected by this.well, its all rite. at least i came in prepared. mm Hmm.

well, lotssa stuff to do. no mood. =.=. gtg lers. i hope that sometimes, the effort i put in, will have a good ending. *hais*

-jErM

@ 8:16 pm

Tuesday, January 23, 2007

weather: Grey sky, well, still a little sun
23rd January 2007
music(new!): pallet town's lullaby-pokemon, disney's fantullusion

Hi. ok. haha, so much depressing posts earlier on. haha. finally recovered from my depression already. but now theres something going on again. (HERE WE GO ALL OVER AGAIN. )zhi Hao is starting to break down. and i am very very worried for him. hope everything can turn out fine for him. I will try to do my best in band, studies etc etc to help in. OK zhi Hao? I will promise, dont make you worry lers. You got SOOOOOOOOOO many many things to do. if its me i also wanna collapse. jia you! and dont worry! if got things can always come find me and jun. sighs, I now dont care about anything lers, even if the rainbow dont form, or etc etc. Now i just want zhi Hao to get well. :/. then somemore, waaa. its just after i get well from my trauma. then now zhi Hao's turn?! omggg.. hope things get better soon. and i pray. pray to my gods- yuan shi Tai zhi, qian shou qian yan guan shi ying pu sa. Please bless that zhi Hao will get well soon, and can be ok again. me and jun are doing the best we can already. but now, despite the worrying for zhi Hao, i also worry about wei jun. =(. THOUGH jun seems ok, then me and him currently ok. But i very very scared for him also, please please DONT. DONT go depressed, dont GO crazy after zhi hao. PLEEEEEASE. i also know you gonna break down pretty soon already. sighs. I sometimes feel so useless though, both my juniors have sooooooo many things to do (not convenient to type it out here), then i cannot do anything to help them. Even if i can, its like only 5% or even less. sighs. god, please please help zhi HAo to tide through this period of time, and please make sure jun will be all right and hang in there. sighs. zhi Hao. Jia you kays? i will do whatever i can to help you. sighs.

ok, studies. WELL. studies are getting more and more xianz. I start to get xianed with topics i dont understand, and the teachers arent willing to explain and they ask you go and read up yourself. =.=. WTHH.. I now like TOTALLY lost my interest in chemistry already. and i am gonna flunk the electrolysis test we took. if i ever pass that test, I will jump for joy. well, maybe. and math we started on the cheemer side of differentiation. REALLY DONT UNDERSTAND. haiyoo. DIE LER LAAS. omgg. then english is ok. math gotta buck up. chinese is ok. heh.=).Physics also! magnetism. woots. the dunno what wire coiling around the magnet. ways to magnetize and mr yap's MAGIC TRICKS. haha.=)=)!!chem arhh, haiyoo, i wanna give up on it can?!??! UGHH. i now like totally hate it. amazing arhh, juz 1 teacher, can turn it from your moost fav subject to the 1 you HATE most. biology is ok, just nothings going inside my brain.=.=.SS and History arhh! HAIYOO. sooo many things to remember. ugh. well, muz jia you lers. mm Hmm.

well, syf's coming, CA is coming, O level is coming.KINDDA worried. well, dont care, i will graduate from band with PRIDE. heh. muz jia you!! get gold with hons. heh.=)=)! then can have the nice nice photo=)=)!! and then dont care, during syf, i MUST play it with my best tone and VIBRATE!! muz have enough qi! heh. well, speaking of the graduating thing, reminded me of something zhi Hao and jun said. haha, when they ANGRY with me that time, they(a group) cant wait for me to graduate. and LEAVE this band. well. actually, Haha, I dont mind nehhs. sometimes, i also feel like leaving due to the stress. heh. but its ok, I love the music, i will stay. and hmm, should say this not, I scared lehhs, later say the offend senior again. but ok, i say, i dont wanna keep suspense. DIE ALSO DUN WANN. i now hate suspense like shit. tell you if you interested. well, sometimes, when 1 of my senior( start with A der) make me angry, , I feel like also cant wait for him to graduate.SORRY. didnt mean to. But really, Iwann to be honest, sometimes when I really really angry. I just can't wait for him to leave the band when i super super qi! heh! BUt haha, now ok liao laa, its the immature mind last time that resort me to this thinking. haha.NO OFFENCE KAYY??? if have arhh, SCOLD ME LIKE SHIT in the tagboard.. OK? OK well tired liao, gonna rest then CHOING HMK. haha, well actually to be truthful also, NO OFFENCE, DONT ANGRY OR ANYTHING KAY? now come to think of it, kindda hurt when your juniors say things like that. oh well, dont stress bout this liao kay? is i really wanna say out. SORRY senior. sosososoosos sorry kay? I mean, you must be really really hurt if you know i feel that way. so so sorry. well, now i at least know how my senior would feel if he ever gets to know this. oh well. ok, chiong hmk liao. bb

-jErM
p.s. hope this post is not like story book.=)

@ 4:07 pm

Sunday, January 21, 2007

weather: night. clouds are white
21st january 2007

this post is dedicated to wei jun. ok. I wanna post out something just meant for you. relax. its not angry or what. just wanna tell you all something. I am now OK liao. haha not depressed whatsoever kay? you 2 relax kay? i am not depressed whatsoever anymore. i miss being lame. and i HATE the depressed, stupid metality and thinking jermain. I want the lame-brain functioning-nice mentality jermain back. haha. so after sorting out my thoughts like how xinhui toshikasa taught me. I learnt something. jun. the way you are talking to me, is normal. haha. it is normal. though its not the usual way. you are only doing this. is cos, maybe you think i am still depressed. having that stupid idiotic mentality. and thought that if we talk casually/ how we used to, then later we will end up feeling all angry, feeling even worse. right jun? did i say correctly? thats why you talking to me like that. cos you know that i will feel that you will feel like that. so that i wont talk to you so much which will result in less pp getting hurt. leaving you more happy, leaving me more happy. RIGHT? *cross fingers, please say i am right* The only reason i am like this, is cos of depression, and the resulting metality affected thats why like that. On msn, i asked you. Now, since everything is ok, can we go back to how we used to be? then jun replied: dunno. . well, something like that. at first, felt very upset. why he say that. I miss the good old days. But now, i just realised something. if jun says dunno, at least, there still could be a possibility of him saying yes. I think that, jun wants to see me being back to my lame, ok, fine jermain again. before saying the 3 letter word.=). be4 we can get back to normal. see arhh. i show you 2 stories.

if he says yes now and i am "depressed"-----------> results in me saying wrong things getting him and myself pissed only-------------> worsen ties

if he says dunno----------> jun observes MY behavior and mentality (will take some time, but hope can be4 i leave the band=))------------------------------------------------->everything ok-------------------> soon, he will treat and talk to me back the way we used to, like close senior and junior.=)

well, hope the story is the 2nd way. haha. yup. and i realised something. this whole issue of you guys being like this, and i being like this is all my fault. is cos i said some words, that sparked off this whole event. is cos i am ANGRY. thats why like this. well, i find that, when i am a happier person, the section is much bonded together. (if its wrong tell me) . proof: in bus back from SCH, the flute section was the craziest section in the bus. making sooo much noise. EVERYONE enjoyed it. from sec3s-4s ALL enjoyed it. heh. haha. when i sad, angry -----------> everyone feel so tense, will feel much worse off. and jun, you do concern about me. you havent give up on me. yup. even though you say in your mouth, you do concern bout me still. proof: when i was crying in the bus on the way to SCH, you like worried, panic like that. then on in SCH, you asked sofie to talk to me also. =). yupp.. then last night also. =). how bout the time when i was sick? at least you asked me whether i was all right all this on msn. need more?

see??!?!?! RIGHT NOT?? hmm? JUN. if i say correctly, i hope i did. I will show you i am ok liao. then you treat me back normal can? like talk normally again. haha dont so monosyllabic can maa?? HURR? please? haha. i hope i did. but if i say wrong things, that means this whole post i type for nothign liao. but i know that you havent give up on me. dont worry. i will make sure you wont give up on me.=p.haha.but at least i tried right? well, hope that when i become normal,and the section is ok, things can slowly recover and get back to normal. like i can openly tell jun about how i feel, and he also can confide in me as well. like the GOOD OLD DAYS. heh. well. hope its like this. and the section will all be ok also! like the sec 2s will FEEL much happier in each practice, then to see a demoralised tired xianed looking SL affecting everyone's mood. xinhui toshikasa told me when everyone sees you like this, they will also like go "xian, why you like that. haii." then i think result in everyone feeling very worried concerned, then cannot focus on band. stacey, kaiping, i try to SMILE more kayy? +). I try EVERY BAND PRAC to smile. =D.

by the way, things between me and zhi Hao stablised already. SO HAPPY YAY.! HAHAHA HEHEHEHHE. HOHOHOH. this morning/afternoon. we had a real nice chat. heh. haha. talked so casually, like how we used too. heh.then zhi Hao is gonna play with me hai dai quan on monday. HEHEHHEHE. CANT WAIT. haha. if i lose, i have to go and tell jun about how i feel in band (shit, hope wont lose, later tell wrong thing agian.) but if he lose horr, hahahahha, have to POLISH the whole section's every single flute. I actually wanted him to go and RUB CHARCOAL on his flute der. but like soooooo bad.haha. yup. well, am happy that things worked out all right after all between me and zhi HAo. feel like much happier now. HAHAH. promise dont make you upset/ disappointed ANY MORE. haha. i want you, my juniors, to feel HAPPY, STRESS FREE In band =)=). but still a bit sad. haha, once me and weijun are ok again. i feel that, band would be a much nicer place to be in once again. and please. I will and once and for all, get rid of this stupid idiotic mentality of mine, and that depressed and tired look of mine. I will and promise you all WILL go back to the jermain I once was. the happy one, the LAME and energetic one. haha i miss being lame, crappy all this. I NEED MY LAME SIDE AGAIN. NEED IT. HAHAHAHAHA.WOAOOAOAOAJG;KFJDSAGKLJDAF;GJ. ok going madd. haha. hilary, qiyun, amanda always ok der. haha. Since the chapter in my band story is still carrying on, the chapter where me and zhi Hao unhappy all that over liao, i feel so happy. is like the rainbow shines after a heavy rain. but this rainbow shining, is only half a rainbow. the other half, is not out yet. when jun and me is back to normal again, haha. then the rainbow wil be full. =)=)=)!! haha, hope to see jun and section and zhi in band on monday. lots of stuff to talk bout. haha. then maybe during break that time, section can go crazy again, but have to play with zhi HAO HAI DAI QUAN FIRST. haha, syf reheasals blog another time kay? tired liao. tmr still got swimming training. heh. haha

*HOPE MR SEXY SENG WEI JUN CAN READ THIS. HEHE. no offence kays??? haha, wees. so fun to being lame again. =).**

P.S. when getting read of that stupid depressed/tired look of mine +++ that stupid idiotic sad and gloomy mentality, i will also get rid of the IRRITATING side also KAYYY??? SMILES EVERYONE. THANKS SOOO MUCH TO KAIRU AND WEI XIANG FOR TELLING ME WHAT HMK TO DO WHEN I WAS ABSENT IN SCHOOL.=)=)
ESPECIALLY TO MY DEAR DEAR SECTION. =)=)=)

oh ya, gonna do something to everybody's tagboard soon. haha, you'll find out. DONT WORRY. it will not be spam. =)


WOOTS. NVM. HEHE. monday arhh zhi HAO!! you watch out!! gonna play HAI DAI QUAN. make sure i win! hehe. so no need to go and tell jun. later say wrong thing. WOOTS~~

-jErM

@ 12:19 am

Thursday, January 18, 2007

weather: okok. gonna rain, gonna shine
18th january 2007

hi. ughh. sick. stuck at home with piles of homework. =.="". I juz finished zuo ye. yup. left with the english convo and to study physics on electricity for tmr's test(which is supposed to be today =.="").. xiannn.. UGHHHH. why muz i get sick at this time of the year?!??!? ESPECIALLY THURSDAYS?!?!? when there is the most lessons. haizz. I also dunno why i got sick. WHOLE BODY ACHING LIKE CRAPP NOW. Hope can get well by tmr. and tmr is the syf rehearsals ugh. well, ytd, excpet for dinner and an energy bar for recess. I ate nothing else. Tummy's grumbling like mad, but juz didnt had the appetite to eat. When for band, then played the 2 pieces. Zodiac was ok for me, managed to pitch the high notes on the piccolo. >.<.=). but then, for sunrise, the solo sucked. COS i never eat anything, was soooooo hungry, and everything when flat on the flute.=.=""". and then, ++ i was using spoilt flutes.The section flutes now all spoil till very jia lat la. sec 1 all using spoilt flutes. except joanne's. =.="""". Well, listened to jun's solo ytd also. haha, pro pro de.=). even seniors say his tone is delicate, sweet and slick. =). well, haha, have to learn from him his tone.=). zhi Hao's pitching also. woots~~haizz. WHEN then i can play like them. well, actually, every player has their good points and bad points. yup. haha. but dunno laa, zh and jun keep saying my vibrato is nice. sianzz. On monday, when seniors come down, i was feeling damn depressed. then everything also cannot play out. piccolo a lot of notes cannot sustain. all airy der. maybe still having phobia, and feeling very down ++ not well. SO SIANNZNZNNZ. ughhh. then i feel very sad la.=(. haizz. NVM. friday's rehearsals, (which is tmr), must jia you!! I make sure today I SLEEP EARLY EARLY, HAVE EAT EAT, AND MAKE SURE I HAVE ENERGY, AND I MAKE SURE NO ONE PROVOKES ME FOR THAT DAY!!!! if anyone dares, get ready to go deaf. woots~~ (you get what i mean, SCREAMMMM INTO YOUR EARS AND SCREECH HIGH NOTES ON THE PICCOLO TO YOU!!). haiz. ok, speaking of which, i dunno whether zhi Hao forgive me already a not. ytd morning, when i passed him an apology letter(cos sms dun wann reply, msn talk to him no reply, dun dare call him) his face was like sooooooooo black. then like super duper furious, angry and everything at me like that. So i just slipped him the paper. thats why ytd no appetite. cos I have let my juniors down. =(. sighs, BUt if zhi HAO forgives me, then i am ok liao.=). but in band, he did talk to me properly, but i dunno laa. ZHI HAO??? you forgive me already?!??! PLEASE SAYY YES.. sighs... well, hope to hear from him soon. yup. now my energy level is like being depleted in half. and feeling very weak. PE ytd was ok, except then when finish, everyone was close to being dead.

dead. shit. why use this word?? sighs. it reminds me of a lot of things. lately, everyone has been sooo worried for me. EVERYONE. reallly. my seniors, my juniors, my section, my teachers, my classmates. EVERYONE. eg, at the end of history class, mr das told me"jermain, lately you have been looking dead, gonna introduce you to some tonics". mrs wan also! mr yap has also noticed that i am dozing off easily in his class. (mANnn!n!n!n! PHYSICS NIA!!MY FAV). MR TAN ALSO. xianzzz. AKLGHJDSKLJAHBAKN. I mean, is not that i dont appreciate all of your concerns. but all of you have your own stress as well. dont worry! I will learn to take care of myself. But thanks a lot a lot for you all the concern KAY?!?!but really. time is short. no time liao. you all have a lot to do.. haha, but really, thanks a lot. try to get myself back to normal kay? i PROMISE NOT TO BE DEAD. but then, even if i get back my energy, will result in a lot of things again. =.=""". LATER affect a lot of pp. later i am lame again. then hurt pp's feelings again. *sighs*. well, at least let this energy i have in me sustain me for a while. when i get back my energy. I will learn to be WEI JUN ON MSN. WOOTS~~~~ wei jun nowadays you talk to him. is all monosyllabic answers de. like i type like 10 words to him. he juz reply: "yes, no, orhh" this kindda things. haa. if liddat de hua i realised that, by doing this way, I wont hurt a lot of pp as well!! then pp also no need to see my lame side. oh shit. giddy. sinus. head pounding. ughh. nvm, persist till i type finish this. jun! thanks a lot for teaching me this method kay?!??! HAHA. oh yeahhh. no need to hurt pp anymore. YAY. ok. gonna see doctor. come back gonna "continue study" for physics liao.

now, browsing through some websites. i found a website that make me very super duper happy, and 1 that made me
think a lot.

the happy site: www.soundclick.com This site contains LOTS AND LOTS AND LOTS of band tracks!! A LOT. from folklore to band to alvamar played by NUSWS. even disney's fantullusion. got me super amazed. can download them as well!! haha, really, if you want band tracks, go here and GOK kay???

the site that made me think a lot: HSC band group. click on the link to go see.

"heya to all HSCBand members!!
this group was created on 31st December 2002 for all of us Hai Sing Band members - whether you are still in the Band or have graduated with pride.

our huge Concert Band grew from a tiny, weak and anonymous band to an award-winning, reputable Band, boasting two consecutive Gold awards in the recent Singapore Youth Festival Central Judging for Concert Bands.
all of us would love to see this highly plausible trend carry on."

and i also looked at some photos, i saw mrs chua smiling with the exco commitee of last year. saw her with the drum majors/majorettes.

I feel that now, our band has made mrs chua angry. we don't play as good, and are actually like, very dui bu qi the seniors. tmr, we going to the conference hall somemore. i very very scared. what if syf we get silver how? is like very very dui bu qi the seniors, very dui bu qi our instructors and teachers in charge. i dont care. Muz try my best to make the section be the best section in the WHOLE BAND!! WAHAHHAHAA. ok. =.="". but i hope all SLs have the same thinking! so that when ALL the SLs are like that, all the sections will strive and work hard. and mrs chua comes back. and we can DO THE SENIORS PROUD. uh Huh. *hope this didnt offend anyone? if it did, PLEEEEASE PLEEEEEEASE scold me severely on my tagboard. I will delete der"

k, gotta go study liao. BB

*stares at Physics TYS" hehehe..
bb

-jErM

@ 11:44 am

Tuesday, January 16, 2007

juz had a convo with zhi Hao and wei jun. instead of making things better. I just made it worse. I made the whole situation worse. zhi HAO IS LIKE SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO pissed, sooooooooooooooo angry. weijun is also like trying to console him and also trying to tell me to reflect reflect. I really dunno. i really don't. They said that i am not trying. i keep on insist on my opinion and never give them any chance to talk, and that i don't understand them. zhi hao got really angry, fed up. then wrote there. [farkoff][ shuddap]. i know. is liddat. hes angry. then tried talking to him. then what happens? he dosent reply. zhi Hao is like sooooooooooo angry at me now. I Know. i really really feel very bad. I feel like wanna die. i wanna quit band. is like being in it, I really really HATE the politics in band. I dun like to talk to people anymore. I am trying to change. really. maybe its cos i am too tired now. thats why writing rubbish. i smsed zhi Hao after that, no use. no avail. I wanna know what i say again. you guys are trying the crapp outta you, then you all give up. i also wanna give up already. =(((. I wanna cry, i wanna give up already. maybe sufering from depression. I DUNNO. zhi Hao, sorry. is really not i dont appreciate your kindness. sighs. I give up. really really give up liao. i used to like band a lot. but now, i find that band is just like chinese orchestra. the politics are ALL THE SAME. everytime also like that de. i wanna give up already........... you know what? i should just shut my damn bloody freagin mouth from now on. chop my fingers also. so that no need to type anymore and hurt anyone. i dunno. i really dont. actually wanna do my history essay 1. but then, no mood already. really. but try. SORRY. I dunno what else to say except the most sincere SORRY.

-jErM

@ 9:21 pm

Weather: Okok, like shine a while, then rain a bit
16th January 2007

Hi.

OK. I am feeling mixed right now. I dunno how to start this post. maybe i shall start as a whole then tell you all the HAPPY part then the s---a----dd---s---a--dd part. KAY? I start with the HAPPY part first then tell you why i am sadd.=).)=.

ok. Happy news. I FINALLY FINISHED SOCIAL STUDIES HOLIDAY HOMEWORK. WOOHOO WOO HOOO. SQUEALS LIKE MADD. WOOTS WOOTS. haha. THE JOY! THE SENSATION! WOOTS. all just came. haha. feel so happy. finally done liao. and you know what? it resulted into my academics ok again! I now have time to study, to tutor and everything! can complete hmk on time liao. and got time to study for tests. haha. there is electricity test coming up this friday. And though I know almost nuts about that topic (thanks to miss c**a) i will do it and i can do it! haha. ok. then what else i happy about de nehhs?? OH YA! and sleep is very very important to your health! yup. slept earlier ytd. at 10+ after finishing some hmk. then today i WHOLE day can concentrate lehh!! WOOTS~~ even the most boring period-biology. haha but then today not boring you know WHYY??? cos we started on SEXUAL REPRODUCTION ON...... what you think lehh?? give you 3 seconds. 1. 2.3. ok. SEXUAL REPRODUCTION IN PLANTS. haha so interesting! the budding and the what ahh? layering, erm, cutting, grafting etc. even asexxual reproduction and sexual reproduction!! hahah. ok laa. later some people say i bian tai. =((. haha. nvm laa. I is liddat de maa. HORR W****N??Z****O?? Ok. and i can almost concentrate on all. haha. needs some revision for math though. well. as you can see. my academic life is well balanced le. everything back on track! woots. and zhi Hao finally understands algebra. WOO HOO! OH YEAH LALALA. ok, nvm laa , i dont even know. sighs. everytime now when pp say zhi hao or wei jun, i get very sad liao. i get very upset liao. come on, move on to the sad part.

Ok. the sad part.
1) I have no flutes to use for the syf rehearsal and my piccolo is leaking. the other piccolo is at repair. and the piccolo i using leak. ok fine. nvm. my piccolo still can go on a bit laa. My instrus are coming back this weekend. haha. like finally. then no flute. My sister, dion, have flute de. MBS de flute. then i ask my mama whether i can like borrow it for juz friday. she says no. =.=""". she say later lost it all this how? later will lose the trust of pp and such. sighs. 1 DAY ONLY MAHH! and not like i will lose it right? No matter how i try to persuade. she says no. cos its MBS 1. =.="""sighs. DIE LIAO LAA. this brings me to my second point.

2) almost all the flutes in the section are facing major problems. =((.
My flute- repair
amanda- the b flat play the sound tuning not right
qiyun- her flute sot le i dunno what happened
z****andw*****- rich maa. got own flutes
hilary- FUNCTIONING very well

sighss. HOW HOW HOW??? ARGHH. no flute for rehearsals. and MRS CHUA ASKED ME TO PLAY. SOLO SOMEMORE... i asked zhi HAO TO help me instead. he says no. haiii. HOWW???!?!?!??!? die liao la die liao laa. ughh.

3) mdm zaibon briefed the band today. though everyone emotions are high. mine is especially. well, lately has been liddat. but our seniors came back ytd, then talk to us. I felt better. But mdm zaibon said something. and that line, made me reflect a lot, made me think a lot, made me sooo upset. made me like. ugh.

" SLS! you must bond the section! especially in this period of time! we cannot have any lost souls goin around, 1 here 1 there....."

sighs. shit. am crying le. sighs. I felt that i have failed terribly as an SL. an SL is supposed to look after the welfare of the section. He is suppose to make sure the well being of the section and that he is suppose to keep the section close, and aspire to make the section the best section in the band. I think i have failed miserably. really really miserably.=(((. my section is close yea. BUt they hate the SL. they are like angry with me. a lot. they all are like very upset with me. even though when i get angry with them, they in the end will angry with me de. later i express this on my 4th point. WEll. ya. now its like that. the section IS bonded. yar. they ARE! BUT the SL is not. is like

section------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------SL

thats the distance we are now. everyone is like ughh with me now. well? they even go do stuff for me. and then i juz aiya dunno la. nvm. ok. 1 by 1. hilary is angry with me for using her flute with out her permission. well I got something to say, CANT the SL use all flutes? cannot mehh? hur? and then, ok fine. if canot. i know you hate me to play your flute, cos after i play your flute got white white things there de. and those are hydrated skin cells. to hydrated le. thats why fall out. and drop on the flute resulting in those white white things. well, Is not like i want them to fall right? hur? I mean, if can i also dun wann. But i am liddat. and moreever, after i used it i cleant it like siao. i made sure the mouth piece no WHITE WHITE stuff. then i left. then what you do? zhi Hao cleant your flute with alcohol... it should be me what! why dont ask me? hur? whyyy????? i am very upset you know?! i mean, is not like i want it to drop right? you stop acting like as though i am sooo disgusting can? you everytime act like i am some disgusting freak. until i cannot touch your things. like WTH. nvm, i disgusting freak right? FINE. i dont touch your stuff kayy? make you happy. to my 2 utmost concerned juniors: I am not jumping to conclusions, this is what i feel. AND anyway if you all are reading, why bother? in the end get yourself hurt only. and further more, w****n, you give up on me liao right? then still read for what? Is not scolding, is stop getting yourself hurt by me liao. But if you not hurt then i dunno. i really dont already.

4) wei jun and me the relations are at the brink of breaking now. i dunno laa. you know the last post? when i say that i help him configure the code for his blog song all that? then he told zhi Hao: Is not i ask him de right? is he do himself de right? then why still asking for repayment? -well, somthing like that. well, it seems to me, that being with me makes him worse. he feels upset cos of me. He gets angry cos of me. He gets all the negative feelings cos of me. well. i am sick of seeing my junior get hurt by me. especially when he is soo close. well, unconciously, I keep on dunno laa, i dont feel this way, but what i am thinking is that being with me seems that he is very unhappy. i dunno. now we dont even talk. we dont even say hi all this ler. well, I am very sad. now no one to talk and blurt to when i am sad. zhi HAO. i really am not gonna blurt to anyone anymore liao. really. I now have just lost a good friend, a teacher, a brother, a junior. i just lost him. well, thats what i feel. nvm, I also not gonna tell zhi hao anything liao. (pls don feel hurt) cos whatever i tell him, will still end up with wei jun in the end de. everytime also liddat de. and its making both sides feel even worse. then now, in msn, weij un talk to me coldly de lor. He like, so cold. I dunno why. muz be me. zi zuo zi shou. He is angry with me. Ic an tell. and they SYF solos, if wei jun or zhi Hao wants to play go ahead la. wei jun is like a stranger to me now. He seems like this whole new person that i dun even know. yup. well, if he talks to me in msn, I am not gonna reply him AT ALL. unless its about band, then i talk. personal stuff I want put aside. he talks about it i shut up liao. thuogh am feeling stressed and upset now, i am not gonna talk to him about all this anymore laa, he juz my junior can liao. i dunno ANYTHING abuot him liao. zhi HAO ALSO. i am not gonna tell you anything liao. everytime also liddat de. you go tell him. wei jun and zhi Hao. I really dunno what is going on now. I dunno what is making weijun so angry/upset. I really dont. I mean, I have a mistake, and i wanna correct it. but by doing so, you guys aint giving me any chances to change. so well, if liddat de hua, you want me to carry on with my mistakes then go ahead. Lemme suffer like this. I dunno juz feeling kindda sad right now. I dunno laa. well, I am gonna write personal feelings in my private blog. it has died like sooo long time ago. But to this issue of weijun, for personal feelings i am going to post in my private blog. anyway, he also dunno the site liao. so he wont get to read it. WOOTS.

sighs, ok go over and post liao. then after that, play flute, then do hmk, sleep. bb

-jErM

@ 5:20 pm

Friday, January 12, 2007

WEather: morning--> very very nice weather de, then rain rain rain
12th January 2007

HELLO.
ok, sorry for not posting for a long long long long long time. yup. been busy with school work and tests lately. sighs. I still got soooo much hol hmk to do. and a couple of tests just around the corner,sighs sighs sighs. (sorry zhi Hao, i know you hate me to do that). Well, this is the 12th day of 2007. SOOOO MUCH to talk about! where should I start nehhs? ok, tell you all about my day today, then about my first day of school. then about these few weeks and then about the sarawak trip. this is gonna be a long post! so if you wanna see go ahead. But if its getting too boring, i apologise kay? those who interested to read read it when you are free la kayy??

TODAY
Well. the day started raining cats and dogs. started the day worrying as i havent completed my holiday homework yet. specifically chinese and social studies. so yup, had breakfast, pack bed, burn josstick, well, the morning routines. then headed to school. haha. the new 4E1 classroom is ok laa. yup. I am sitting RIGHTTTTT in front there. haha. Dunno whether the feng shui there is good anot. i hope it is. haha. so that i can get GOOD RESULTS! well, in class last year, denise or izzit stacey? was sitting at the my place. haha, hope their cleverness can spread to me also!! =p. so yup. Almost all teachers are the same laa. lemme list them out.

Form teacher: Mrs sally tang(WOOHOO!!)
English: Mrs Tang=)=)!
E/A math: Miss lindy Ong=)=)!
chinese: Mr Lua =)
physics: MR yap BC =)=)=)!!
Chemistry: Mr anthony Tan=)
biology: Mrs elene wan=/
SS: Mdm kang =/
History: Mr das =)=)=)!!

yup, HAVING REALLL GOOD TEACHERS THIS YEAR, woots. hope i can perform though. In class this year, I dunno why just keep on feel like sleeping in chemistry class. =((. this is bad. but then i am trying out for sweets. Sweets can help me to keep up! sighs. screwed up my math test on cumulative frequency and histograms. I confirm fail liao. cos only got 2 questions maa. then The histograms I forgot how to do the class standard/width ++ height of rectangle. ARGHH. i went instead to do frequency density.=(((.AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA. stoopid. My first E math test, and i flunked.=(. sighss. feel so badd. i no face already laa. =(((. GRRS. but nvm, xinhui taught me recently: 'dont even give urself a chance to indulge in disappointment. learn to smile and say ok, i will try again."ok. i promise. Once after i finish this idiotic SS. i shall go and recap and familiarise myself on histograms. well, monday i am gonna have a test on differentiation. I make sure i ACE that 1. i muz be prepared. i wanna score A1s, and continue this tradition for my math subjects! kampate!!

ok well. after that went band. well, since its friday, we had lots of time before band. And band room was opened earlier for sectionals. Well. i used a flute to play. yup. A flute to play. and play play play. then dunno why suddenly, the essence of vibrato came. zhi Hao and wei jun was like looking at me, "WIN LIAO LORR. SO PRO." omggg. xianzz. I feel so bad now laa.Is like for the past few months, I was feeling really depressed cos i cannot produce out nice sounds. and the reason? "my molar was piercing through the gums and that my flute was spoilt. =.=" then I decided to run out of the band room and practice. and tried to vibrate again to ensure that i didnt got the vibrate thingy through tycolation. But the thing was still there. I tried lots of pieces, like home, the barney song"i love you you love me"(long notes, staccatos, can express de) then I tried to play dancing in the wind and habitat. With VIBRATO and EXPRESSION and DYNAMICS. then when i was playing playing, then i felt the place was too quiet to be usual. Felt really weird, decided to check it out. took 1 step, 2 step, 3 steps, then suddenly zhi hao and wei jun was there with their handphones RECORDING. oh shit. oh crapp. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA.(but nvm laa, zhi Hao guai maa, he deleted both.=)) then i also noticed that mrs chua just walked in. then they were like " MRS CHUA HEARD EVERYTHING" i was like oh crapp. i felt uneasy. die liao. now i feel that it seems like as though i am trying to act pro buay pro. =((. well, they also CLAPPED LOUD LOUD when i finished. HORR ZHI HAO? HORR WEI JUN?? GRRS. ok fine. then i went in. lalala, settled down. then the flute/pic section helped to tidy up the library. we were supposed to have sectionals.=_="".. then after that, mrs chua wanted to talk to me. my hands went numb and cold though. she asked who will be playing for the solo for syf. i was like, erm not really sure, maybe qiyun? zhi hao? or wei jun? mrs chua:"i need you to play can? cos i need a stable player. then maybe come back already then can continue this. then i n the end then see who plays." I said "ok." went back to sit. But instead of feeling ok, i feel very concerned. Mrs chua all this time whilst talking to me, was in a sick tone. can sense. yup. i am very very scared. then went to settle down all that. then first we started with sunrise. for senza, only the first 1, the longest 1, mrs chua wants me to use recorder. OK. can. but i would much prefer to play piccolo. sighs. then helped with the flute part. solo came. and now. I wanna admit something. I have a phobia of flute solos now. When the thing was coming, i felt butterflies in my stomach, and my hands turned cold.i totally lost confidence in playing them ever since my flute was spolit and my molar which hurt a lot. yup. so i dunno laa. you can ask others for opinions. I dont really know how i played. I juz know that i play soft. cos mrs chua says so. BUT I had a reason. I was hungry. didnt have a proper lunch. so no energy. yup. zhi Hao and weij un said i played it expressive ly. i dunno laa. but then band prac that day only me, wei jun, zhi Hao and amanda came. ANDY CAME BACK THOUGH. haha. after the whole thing. jian jun and me walked to white sands. met wei jun there. then jj went back first. jun and i chatteedd. jun kept saying he too lan he too lan. like WTH??? he is very very good de lor. still can say? then dunno what he is impressed with me dunno what thing. haha. ok. fine. dunno laa. kay??? =). then went back home. dad scolded me for dunno what reason. i dun care. cos i have my reasons as well. yup. I do have my reasons. thats why. got pissed went to sleep. then i had a really weird dream. i dreamnt that zhi HAo was talking to me. something scary. yup. and in the day, zhi Hao said that he would haunt me in my dreams. UGHHHH. and dunno why. i dreamt that the band was crying real hard in the conference hall. i dunn owhy. I scared its the syf compe. ughh. Then the nxt day came, went to school march. usual nothing much happened. zhi Hao took my wallet without me realising. haha, i only realised it when i got home. I walked from school ALL THE WAY home. and i only do that when i am real sad, or angry or etc. negative feelings. yup. walk walk walk. on the way home, sang, talked to myself, shout, scream, cry. got a lot of things. then came back. I played flute continously for 3-4 hrs. siao right? I played songs in my onwn encyclopedia from A to Z. from alvama to zodiac. well, if you want me to list it out.
-airs for wind orchestra
-Alvama overture
-Concerto de amore
-covington square
-dancing in the wind
-decenium
-el camino real
-habitat
-invocation and toccata
-jungle fantasy
-japanese graf(The first part)
-the singapore experience
-the merry widow
-songs of sailor and sea
-zodiac, limits of the lion
++++
some of the warm up tunes.
haha, imagine each song like 10 mins ++. i was playing it together with professionals from the band. well, original recording laa. in my mp3. its amazing how you can play with the most professionals juz with that device. haha.
well, then night time choing ss. well, xinhui also talked to me. yup. a lot of things. dun really wanna post the convo here. or anywhere. yup. well. that sums up this section.

-to be continued

well, -to be continued-
-jErM