the c word...

Today, cancer made me feel this.
I began to wonder today about waiting. Are we all just waiting for the news of someone we love to find out they have cancer. I have often wondered about this because of my family history. I thought it would be me out of the six children in my family. I just found out my little sister thought it would be her. I wonder if all of us thought about it, but didn't say anything. The odds (1 in 3) are against us all.

A couple of weeks ago, the word cancer was thrown out there to my brother, Adam. It started with pain in his elbow about a year ago. We now know that he has Primary Non-Hodgkins Lymphoma of the Bone. He starts his fight next week with chemotherapy, which will go on for about 6 months. After that, radiation.

Cancer Sucks.

I know that so many know exactly what the moment you hear feels like. I know the loss of breath I experienced at that moment has been experienced and endured by so many.

I am thankful for a brother who is the silent but strong type. He is a man of few words, but a man of many strengths. We all sit back and watch his work ethic and his drive to be and have the best. And when he found out the news last week, he simply said, "Well I'm not going down without a fight. So when I know how I can fight, I'll do it." He's our oldest brother because we needed him to be our example.

He has battled things quietly before. He is already an inspiration and has taught us much. This is just another bump in the road for him, something that he will experience to teach all of those around him.

The odds are in his favor, and with his attitude, nothing will stop him.
Today, I just felt so sad for his body. I have heard and seen what his body will go through and what his family will have to go through watching him. Today, I want to take it all away from them. I want to hug his kids and tell them it will be ok. Today, I want my mom and dad not to feel the way they do. Today, I want to take cancer and squish it in my hands and stomp on it and spit on it and bury it deep in the ground and pretend we never heard the word.
 
Today, especially, I want Adam to know how much I love him.

 Here is part of his team of crazy supporters. All dang six of us!!

Mother's Day...

Isn't it crazy to think that your little family that you spend every moment thinking of, worrying about, loving, and praying for one day grow up.

And, isn't it crazy that the little house you build, make memories in, sneak out of, fight in, work together at, and pray together in stays planted in our hearts forever

.

Yesterday my kiddos brought me breakfast in bed, made me the most fantastic pictures and cards, kissed and hugged me then layed in bed with me while I ate. It was a beautiful morning.

(Mother's Day 2011)

They say it seems like tomorrow, that they grow up, leave your house, have their own kids and stop bringing you breakfast in bed.

I wonder which is better.
Yesterday, or the day I get a picture of their adult happy faces in front of our little house they grew up in.

And Jeremy is the one bringing me breakfast in bed.

(Adam, Lee, Robyn, Dawn, Ricky, Cyndy
April, 2011)

winner, winner, chicken dinner....

After jumping down rock walls (trying to beat someone to an egg), digging in dirt, looking in prickly bushes, racing around like a crazy maniac. My competitive son found the $20 egg.

Alec had looked in the location of this egg twice. He just gave up to easily.

Not Our Carter.

(I think Papa may have helped him, but I can't say for sure.)

don't crush my heart...

Last Summer I was asked to speak at our Stake Young Women's Camp. I was told that the youth scripture for 2010 was Joshua 1:9 “Be strong and of good courage; be not afraid, neither be thou dismayed: for the Lord thy God is with thee whithersoever thou goest.”

The Camp Director had said that the theme they were using, because of that scripture, would be Super Hero's! She gave me some different ideas about what I could talk on but wanted to leave it up to me.  They would have lots of fun things to do based upon being a Hero. Heroes are strong and courageous.

At the end of our conversation I knew that I would be speaking about...

A Hero's Heart.

This is one of the greatest blessings I have had, to write and prepare this talk. Then, to go up to the most beautiful place and present this to one of my favorite groups of people. The Young Women!

Even if it was the longest talk I had ever given. (30 min.!)

"It is only with the heart that one can see rightly, what is essential is invisible to the eye."

-Unknown

I tried to explain to the young women that their hearts are their super power. That the world is trying to destroy our precious hearts. As we grow old and gain life experiences our hearts naturally become wounded. Sometimes our choices and the people we choose as friends damage or can crush our hearts. Unfortunately, often we are the ones who can destroy our own heart. The things we think and say to ourselves create so much damage to our heart. The very 'super power' that gives us life, can be destroyed if we don't protect it. I introduced them to my term 'Don't crush my heart' (said in a very teenage voice). And, we also talked about what to do if their super power already looked like the painting of the crushed heart. (Done by the ever so talented, Michelle Jones. She painted what was in my head, only better. I don't know how she does that!)

I obviously use my hands too much to talk.

Many small and simple miracles happened after deciding what my talk would be on, which led me to
Paul Cardall. One of the first things I read from him was, "I was born with half a heart, God made up the difference."

He is an amazing human being. Because he writes things like this. He has a 'hero's heart'. He is a hero to so many. He is carrying many of us who are weak, because that's what heroes do. They carry people. His testimony is strong and I am thankful I was introduced to his life, his struggles, and his example. I have since listened to his wife speak and heard him play in concert. Jeremy took me for Valentine's Day to Cottonwood High School to see him perform his latest CD 'New Life'. Jeremy and I have both noticed a different feeling in our home when Paul's music is coming from our stereo. After knowing what his body had been through, and then to see him perform with such power, strength, and conviction moved me to tears many times throughout the night.  If you know of him, you know what I am talking about. If you don't, I would love to recommend that you read his inspiring words here. (and buy his CD!) He was a big part of my talk, in fact, he sent me a wonderful e-mail that I got to share with the young women.



Young women today are so sensational! I wish I could have realized when I was their age the damage I was doing to my heart. I wish I could have said to many friends (including myself) "Don't crush my heart!"I made decisions that were very difficult to repair. I know what it's like to feel crushed. I also know what it feels like to take advantage of the greatest gift ever given. The very gift we are celebrating this Sunday. The gift of a new heart, and new life. The Atonement of Jesus Christ. The Atonement is what can heal our heart. Jesus Christ can turn your crushed heart into the heart of a 'Super Hero'. He knows how you hurt, because He has felt it already.

I have since given this talk a couple more times at Relief Society functions. Each time I learn something new, feel something different, and realize it's just as important to women. We never stop telling ourselves how fat we look, how not good enough we are, how messy our house is, how better our neighbor is, how many mistakes we've made, and life never stops 'happening'. Death, disabilities, divorce, unemployment, betrayal, depression will always happen. Satan (#1 villain) will always be here helping us 'remember' those lies we tell ourselves. And, for some reason, women are still mean to each other. Just like teenagers. There are enough of life's battles happening and we do not need to help with the crushing of others. In fact, just the opposite. I believe that we should be the ones to lift and carry each other when another needs us. With strength and courage and help from the Savior, we can carry ourselves and others wherever we go.
I think we could all use a little 'Don't Crush My Heart'.
(But, you have to say it in your best teenage voice! It's just better!)

This clip is what made me do this post. I was there this night, on Valentine's Day. I was sad to hear that Holly had passed away and was just so moved as I read what Paul Cardall wrote about her. Just like this night when he played for her.

"The best and most beautiful things in the world cannot be seen or even touched. They must be felt with the Heart."

                      - Hellen Keller

If our super power is crushed and damaged, we will no longer be able to see the beauty that surrounds us daily.  That beauty becomes dull, life becomes harder, sin becomes easier, the light in you becomes faded, and Satan will find a way there. Our hearts must be covered in Armor. I also believe that we are the ones responsible for helping our children build their own armor, until they can do it for themselves!
Instead, we should tell ourselves that we are beautiful, smart, choice, heroic, daughters of God.
And, We are magnificent in the eyes of our Father.

Go ahead.

Say it out loud.

A little valley girl like.

Don't crush my heart.

(thanks)

on your mark...

get set...GO!

Maddy making Luke race over and over. :)

 Lukie letting Maddy win. :)

Lukie and Maddy laughing and laughing. :)

 And Maddy goes down.  Long enough to get a shot, and then up she goes for another race.

I love a Sunday afternoon.

spring soccer in Utah...playing in the storm...

I remember loving to play soccer in the rain. Slide tackling is so much better in the rain. The ball almost skips down the field like a smooth stone in a lake, making it a disadvantage AND an advantage at the same time. A little bit more adrenalin rushes knowing you can't see as well as the rain pelts your face. You're a little more nervous, but the fun nerves. Sometimes it's cold and sometimes it helps cool you down. Your socks and shoes are sopping wet and water squeezes through your cleats as you run. The wet grass clings to everything you have on along with sticking to your wet skin. Your uniform sticks to your body. You can taste the hairspray as the rain drips into your mouth.

It's awesome.
To play in.
It's definitely NOT as awesome to watch.

Spring soccer is often played in the rain.
This 2011 Spring, it has often been played in the bitter cold wind and snow.
And WATCHING has been a terrible option.

This was Alec after his game against Riverton. One I opted out of viewing. Call me a terrible mother, but I did it for him. He had a concert choir performance the very second after and I didn't want to embarrass him looking and smelling like a wet dog after sitting in the wind and snow. When he got in the car he looked like a frozen jolly green giant. He couldn't move his fingers and I laughed so hard when he said, "How am I going to sing like this?"
Like you can't sing cold?
Well, that's coming from my tone deaf self, maybe it's harder to sing cold? I actually don't know.

Soccer and Singing have not been Alec's 'thing' the last 3 years. He quit soccer when he had to choose between that and basketball. He only sings because it's a required class.
One more thing added to the list of 'lesson's from Alec' is that he TRIES everything.
He may not be the best at soccer, singing, football, cross country, or driving.
But, he tries it.
And, he always has fun doing it. And, he never quits. And, he learns something different every time. And, I love that he writes in his journal about all of them.
He may not do it twice but he teaches all of us to always try something once. Even if you're afraid and not the best, you try to do it anyway.

I know that Alec will always be able to live, play, run, and sing during life's storms. I know that he'll have fun doing it.
Because he tries to.
Sometimes you just have to try.

this one's for Aunt Julie...

Last weekend we went to St. George for Savvy's first ever dance competition.

Which will get it's own post, I promise.

We went to breakfast one morning with Jeremy's Aunt Julie which makes her MY Aunt Julie. She is Valerie's sister. She is funny, she is wonderful, and I have always thought so. I will say right now that we just don't see her enough! (That should change Julie.:)

She told me that she loves to read my blog. She said she loves to see what us kids are doing up here. I didn't realize she was checking in on her nephew only to read about boring Christmas memories for the past 3 months! We have been up to SO much more since then!

If family wants to see what family is doing (without getting on facebook) then I am ashamed of myself for my poor excuse for a blog.

I promised her I would do a new post. And really, I want her to know that us Salt Lake family think of our St. George family often. I am thankful I got to talk with her and that she changed my heart.

13th day of Spring....and we finally got a visit from Sister Spring.

(2 days later, we woke up to SNOW)

We've been climbing things...

Feeding things...

Visiting places...

Attending basketball banquets with our giant kid...

Watching these great boys play a lot of basketball...

Hanging aroung...if Alec plays for Herriman then Carter has to too!

Trying new, old sports...

Dancing around...

And, celebrating birthdays.

This Spring,
this blog will live again.

2010 Christmas Memories...

and more to come...

handsome head #3...

So my handsome head #3 turned 5. 

Five years old is very old when it's your baby. My last child. My last boy.
The last one who still smells me when he snuggles, like he can't get enough.
The last one to carry in my arms.
The last chance to get it right. (impossible)

Is last the best of all the game?
Because it feels more like in this game, last is ripping my heart out.

It's a good thing hearts can be healed.

Is it wrong to cry when leaving a Halloween party at a pre-school party?
It was my last time...

 

Happy Birthday BYU Style!