Private.

I believe really strongly that one's instincts or "gut" tends to pull you in the right direction.
And, I learned a long time ago, that in my case, I always need to listen to those instinctual promptings.

Lately, without any factual base, my gut is telling me this is what I need to do

My purpose, other than to document my little family's history, has always been to enlighten "the world" via Deak and his message of hope.  I believe I can still do that in other ways, most significantly through his Run for Hope (2012 date coming soon), and my relationship with the Chromosome 18 Registry and Research Society.

There may be a time when I stop being private.

But, for now, I need to be.
I'm happy to share my little life with any and all of you, if you are interested.  Leave an email in a comment, if you feel comfortable.  Otherwise email me at jehowe@gmail.com.

Until then...

Letting Go.

Deak is big (and by big, I mean really getting huge)...

But, he is still my baby.

The same way Abby is still my baby, and will be forever.

We were given the "go-ahead" from Deak's neuro-surgeon to begin physical therapy again about a month ago.  I was ecstatic to find out that we were able to get into the highly sought-after physical therapist at Shriners, and was anxious to see if any leg strength was apparent after our tumultuous tethered spine surgery experience. 

Last Wednesday, Deak and I made the trek downtown after a long day of work and school.  It is tiring to go to physical therapy at 5:00; tiring for both of us.  Deak has been working really hard on "breaking gaps," meaning that he is working on cruising and walking in between spaces that don't continually run together (ie. the couch and coffee table).  Deak has only been to three appointments in the past month, and during the first appointment, he dared not even walk the "gap" of about two inches.  It scared him to death. It is so interesting to watch his amazing little brain process the situation:

           He stands along the bench, notices the gap, bends down to look very closely at the gap, takes one arm off the bench and measures how far he will need to venture in order to cross the gap, bends his knees and thinks about getting down and crawling between the gap, and then eventually decides to cross it. 

The entire process, at first when he is evaluating the risk vs. reward, can take quite literally five minutes. 

Deak is just too smart.  

Most children, when they are learning to walk, have not progressed to the stage cognitively where they are able to compute such a high-level calculation.  They just do it, without fear for the consequences.  Deak isn't there. He has fear.  He knows it hurts if you fall, and he doesn't like to fail.

After only three appointments (and practice at home), Deak is now confidently walking (without his walker) in between gaps upwards of 1 1/2 feet.  Another inch or so, and the boy is taking steps on his own.

Deak's therapist, Mark, has been gently "chastising" me.  He is constantly reinforcing the abilities that Deak has and reminds me that I need to let him fall once in a while.  Last week he actually said, "Jenny, Deak's legs are strong enough to walk now; that's not what is holding him back."

Yep, I am.

I know he is right.

But, how do I let go?

He already has so many things in life stacked against him, sue me if I want to catch him and carry him a bit longer.

Plus, that damn walker is NOT easy to carry around and walk inside of in the real world.

Since our appointment Wednesday, Deak has nearly stood up on his own two feet from a sitting position and was sosososososo close to taking an independent step after balancing on his own two feet for a few seconds in front of the couch.

So, close.

The walking stage is coming for us. 

The stage I've hoped and dreamed and prayed for.

I just need to let him go.

 Deak's crazy new favorite position.  He does this ALL DAY long.

My attempt at following the therapist's advice and allowing Deak to "walk" in the real world.

It was hard work (for all of us - Abby is a rock star helper).

But, it was empowering.

Deak complained a bit about it, but I think he also enjoyed being able to randomly take off and walk to wherever his mind determined he wanted to go.  Deak was very cautious at first, but I knelt next to him and told him that he could do this. I told him he was a "big boy" and could walk now, and he needed to push through.

He looked at me, smiled, and gave me about ten big kisses on the lips in a row.

Man, he is growing up.

Balance and Peace.

I began graduate school about six weeks after giving birth to my beautiful Abby.
She was so tiny.
I was so scared.
I worried that the life plan I was following was not in alignment with what appeared at the time to be every single other woman's plan. 
I worked full time as well, for the Department of Youth Corrections; a job that demanded a lot of emotional and physical energy. 

And so began my balancing act of wife, mommy, full time employee, counselor and grad student.

We all survived. In fact, when I look back to those years, I only remember the good stuff:
...the way Abby crawled on all fours with her bum in the air while in dresses...
...her first word, "Hi"...
...the way we had to rock her to sleep as if we were inside a mosh pit at Salt Air...
...the love that grew for those students I worked with within the school-district's "At-Risk" program (I left a piece of my heart there)....
...the way Abby would lie on Blair's stomach while they watched "Jay Jay the Jet Plane" together at Midnight...
...our first "friends with kids"...

Not much has changed in the past 9 years, with the exception of becoming a mommy x2 to a special little Ring dude, and graduating with my Masters Degree.

It's just basically life.
It requires balance.
Some days my scale is jacked up, teetering heavily on one side versus the other...
But really, most of the time it evens itself out.

Lately, I've had some experiences professionally that have touched my heart so deeply, that it's as if the student's purpose is divinely connected to figuring out my own purpose.
You know, one of those, "Yep, this all makes sense" types of experiences.
I just love that student.

There is so much power to be found once you have recognized your purpose.  Culturally, it is often defined solely as motherhood...and without a doubt I agree that first and foremost, much of my purpose lies within their little souls.
But, I think we are capable of more.
Not that it is necessary, but I feel it is achievable.
I feel such gratitude for the choice I made, as difficult as it was, to receive an education in an area that does not necessarily scream "wealth," but fills my soul with the kinds of riches that I can't receive elsewhere. I feel so immensely grateful that I love my job.

I feel grateful that I am able to help offset some of our life's little financial surprises (ahem..ahem...Deak).
I feel grateful that I have a little girl who, when playing house with her friends, leaves for short periods of time to "meetings" and comes back to her playhouse a happy mother.
I feel grateful for a little girl who aspires to obtain higher education and feels confident in the fact she will be able to do so...because she's watched it happen before.
I feel grateful that when contemplating aloud the idea of accepting a job teaching graduate school for four hours a week, my sweet Abby gives me her little one-eyed look and says "Mom. You should totally do it."

I just feel grateful.

So, my little internal scale, may look a little shifted to some...but, to me...it's just right.
I am finally at peace with that.

Does that mean the balancing act disappears?
Never.
But, I've found my juggling skills are a hell of a lot better when my footing is solid and my heart is at peace.

Believe.

I find myself slipping and sliding through, for lack of a better term, a "funk" lately.  I've ranged from feeling incredibly blessed and hopeful, to contemplating how little I'd be missed if I just attempted to continue driving rather than take my exit on the way home from work.

I know, sounds extreme right?

Extreme, but honest.

I don't have a life that is easy.

Who does?

And, although there have been times when I have deeply envied the "normal" picture some families paint, I do really understand that "hard" is relative.

My realm of relative is just that...my own.

Hard things build character (so they say), and contrary to some public opinion, I'd like to think I have developed some strength of character.  I'd like to think that although my beliefs may not always directly align with others, I can at least get some credit for honestly sticking to them; even when it's not popular.  I'd like to think that although I complain and stress out and overwhelm myself with self-induced responsibilities, that most of the time my priorities are clearly visible from strangers across the room.

I am sitting in my office today thinking about a good friend; and by good friend, I mean amazing human being.  She is just the kind of friend who freely gives and gives and gives. From vacuums, to midnight text replies, late night drives and even a 12 pack of diet coke delivered to my son's hospital bedside. 

I am lucky to have her in my life.

As my heart breaks in conjunction with hers, selfishly I've used her example to gain insight into my own belief system.

What is our purpose? 

What do I want my children to know I stand for?

Why do I stop the negative thought process, turn on my blinker and exit instinctively?

Interestingly enough, I created a bulletin board in my office very recently entitled simply,"I believe..." 

I guess I wanted my little-bodied friends to leave my room getting a glimpse of what I do know for sure.

I believe...

*"It is our choices, Harry, that show what we truly are, far more than our abilities."

Professor Dumbledore

*It is essential to understand that battles are primarily won in the hearts of men.  Men respond to leadership in a most remarkable way and once you have won his heart, he will follow you anywhere."

Vince Lombardi

*I've learned that no matter what happens, or how bad it seems today, life does go on and it will be better tomorrow."

Maya Angelou

and lastly,

*"We judge of a man's wisdom by his hope."

Ralph Waldo Emerson

I guess if I limit my often misused fortitude for lengthy discourses on irrelevant subjects, that's it.

That is what I believe.

That is what I will continue working on strengthening within myself and my children.

And,that is what I will deeply breathe in while I push forward today.

One day at a time.

Labor Day Weekend in Park City

This has become a tradition that Abby looks forward to more than anything throughout the year.  We love going, together with my family, to a beautiful condo encompassed in scenery that we often take for granted living in our state. 

I tried my best to relax this weekend, which meant I did not stress about picture taking.  I did get a few shots on my iPhone and a couple really pretty ones with the fancy camera that I do not know how to use.

SilverStar Condos, our home for the weekend, and a big sponsor of Deak's Run for Hope

The people who make this fun weekend possible...

We are feeling renewed, rested and anxious to begin our week.

I know it has been a good weekend when I can make a statement like that at the end of it.

I have big kids.

I guess I am at that stage.

The "I don't have kids at home much anymore" stage.

Am I really that old?

Such a large part of my heart left with my two babies this day.  Blair and I dropped Ab and Deak off at school, just two doors apart from one another, and then went on our way.  All of us in separate places.

It was surreal.

Our morning routines have been adjusted to accommodate two little bodies getting up and ready each morning, and I am learning to really love waking up early enough to enjoy our morning together at an un-rushed pace.  Blair and I have been working together to adjust for early morning meetings and after school carpooling, and it is going as smoothly as juggling four crazy schedules can.

We kinda know how to handle crazy in our house though.

So, far Abby is loving her new teacher.  She is a proud Ute fan and has to be one of the most understanding and kind teachers I've ever met.  That is exactly what my Abby needs this year.

Deak took a week or so to adjust to a new class and schedule.  He loves computer time and writing lines at his desk, and will soon figure the rest of this school business out.  His teachers are kind and loving and have done an excellent job of communicating Deak's progress to me.  Abby gets to see Deak at school; sometimes at recess, and sometimes in the hallway or at assemblies.  She tells me each time she sees him, he looks at her a little strangely, then immediately claps and smiles.

I feel so happy that they have each other, and so happy with the choice we all made to have them attend school together.

We will make this an awesome year.

Craziness and all.

Good Things.

Phew.

It's Friday.

And, it is a 3 day weekend.

In honor of the rough week, and despite the fact that my last post was written with a less than stellar attitude, I am taking a really, really long deep breath and focusing on some good stuff.

Because when I choose to focus, I quickly realize the "good stuff" is flowing thick...

*Bath time with Deak:

        If anyone in the world needs cheering up, feel free to stop by and join us around 7:30 most school nights.  It is delightful, and you will hear the kind of joyful laughing that seeps deep down inside your soul.  My Deak loves, loves, loves the tub, and I love, love, love it too.

*Abby getting older:

       Okay, so maybe this week it has been not so much of a good thing, and quite honestly I am scared to death of screwing her up for the rest of her life...but, the getting older thing, as heartbreakingly sad as it is at times, does have it's perks.  I love that we now like similar TV shows; Top Chef Just Desserts, Keeping up with the Kardashians (though that one has required a bit of editing from time to time) and the classic...Real Housewives of New Jersey.  We debate over dessert favorites and ugly cake decorating, discuss how Kris Humphries isn't as big of a doofus as we may have presumed while he played for the Jazz and dissect the different levels of crazy associated with each housewife (Sorry, Teresa G....I used to love you, but you are winning the crazy vote this season in my house).  I like Abby's rational, cute, mom-pleasing moments and I am treasuring them.  Abby has also handled the adjustment of changing schools, walking to/from most days and making new friends better than most adults; in fact, she was even invited to a birthday party the first week of school.  It made her whole entire week.

*Deak's Legs

         We received a note in Deak's school log yesterday stating that Deak had stood on his OWN. He has done this, albeit very cautiously, at home for a few seconds with more stability lately...but, not anywhere else.  I was so excited to hear that he is generalizing his ability to be strong on his legs into other environments.  Deak has also (in conjunction with his knee hopping) began knee walking; he quite literally looks like he is walking around on his knees.  He is so dang close!!  He just needs to work on his confidence level and his ability to balance.  I was able to get him into a physical therapist at Shriner's Hospital that works later hours (and is the one I have wanted for the past three years:), and we begin therapy again in two weeks. I am anxious to see what that little guy is going conquer this year.

*Baby-Sitter's Club Books

           I have a couple of boxes of these priceless gems (somewhere actually around 100). As an eight/nine year old, I would zip through a book in a day, and dream big dreams of being like Stacy (the pretty popular babysitter) and living in StoneyBrook, CT.  Abby is almost finished reading Book #1, and the nostalgia is in overdrive.  It as almost as nostalgic as the TigerBeat (or something like it) magazine I bought Abby who then promptly resigned herself to reading it cover through cover while lying on her bed and listening to Selena Gomez last week.

*Food

 I just like it.

*Utah Football

      It's back.  I love the games, I love the hand-dipped corndogs and I love the time spent doing something fun with Blair. I also love the new Utah line Victoria's Secret has out, and I love the cute new sparkly Ute earrings Ab just got.  I have to say, I do NOT love the quarterback (Jordan Wynn) or his pornstache, or his ridiculous hair.  I kinda hope he blows out his shoulder again (and I mean that in the nicest, least painful kind of a way).

...the end...

I feel better already