Happy New Year!

After returning from an (almost) month long vacation, I feel like everything has been pushed back. I haven't even had time to sit down and reflect on 2013, let alone think about all the (exciting!) things to come in 2014.

Thinking about appropriate goal setting as I make my upcoming New Years Resolution (*sigh* one month late). Hey, it's just in time for CNY. Better late than never I suppose.

Every so often, I get very ambitious with my life, and I make a list of goals I want to accomplish (see 101 goals in 1001 days). I think those lists, and those goals are wonderful, they remind me that I've done a lot of things. They set a purpose for myself when I want to be lazy and watch TV all day.

I realize though, I'm a really bad goal setter.
Goals are designed to push people forward, and make them feel productive, a "one step at a time" for some of those big impossible tasks. 

I read an article late last year that has re-framed what "goals" should look like. The article spoke up life lessons from running, and one portion, about having patience really spoke to me:

...They set lofty goals and put them on a far too aggressive timeline. Then when they don't reach those goals within their given time-frame, they either give up or consider themselves a failure. No matter what your goal, setting realistic expectations is key to ultimately achieving success. Are there people who drop a ton of weight in six months or guys who make millions off of their first business venture? Sure! But just as the fine print on most weight loss supplements reads: These results are not typical. Pace yourself, and be patient."

for full article see: http://justinseeley.com/editorial/5-lessons-ive-learned-from-running-apply-life/

So here's toasting to 2014... and being a better goal setter to increase my productivity.

values

work is just full of inspiration lately.

Another exercise at this crisis workshop was to think about "5 values/beliefs you live by", followed by "values you never want to be demonstrating"

I found it so difficult to list on a piece of paper 5 values that I can say that I base all of my decisions, and live my life by. There were words that of course I want to use to describe my life; Things like "honesty, love, patients, integrity" would be great adjectives. Where I really struggled was are these words really words that people would say that I live my life by?

Lately, I don't really think so. 

I found it so much easier listing the things in the second category, I had all these great ideas of what I would never be - I would never be rude, or condescending, or too proud... never say never 

The line between what I live by, and what i don't want to live by slowly are starting to blur together and it just makes me so sad. Once again, I find myself wondering, Where am I going? What am I doing? What does this all mean? 

The Problem Tree

The carpenter finished another day’s work. As it was the weekend, he decided to invite a friend to come back home with him for a drink.
 
When he got to his house and before they went in, the carpenter stood for a few moments in silence before a tree growing in his garden. Then he touched its branches with both hands.
 
The expression on his face changed completely. He went into the house, smiling; he was greeted by his wife and children; he told them stories; and then he went out onto the verandah with his friend for a drink.
 
They could see the tree from there. Curiosity got the better of his friend and he asked the carpenter to explain his earlier behaviour.
 
‘Oh, that’s my problem tree,’ said the carpenter. ‘I know that I’m bound to have problems at work, but those problems are mine, not my wife’s or my children’s. So, when I get home, I hang all my problems on that tree. The next day, before leaving for work, I pick them up again. The oddest thing is, though, that when I come out in the morning to get them, some of them have gone, while others seem much heavier than they were the previous night.

Recently at work we had a workshop to teach us about crisis management. To be honest, I've been to enough of these things that I just rolled my eyes and prepared myself for a long morning. A simple exercise the facilitator had us do was to "check-in". I've heard this concept many times before, it's essentially to acknowledge the personal stuff that's been going on in your life, and set it aside so that you can start the work day fresh. So I proceeded to obligingly "check-in with my co-worker about. As we sat there chatting, the idea stopped me in my tracks and really hit me.

Lately I've been carrying around a lot of baggage. A lot of icky feelings; of sadness, anger, jealousy, loneliness, and feeling all around lost. 
In many ways this "stuff" has been on my mind at work and at home. Because I don't know how to deal with it, I've pushed it further back into my subconscious so I don't have to figure out what to do with these thoughts.

In general, I'm pretty good at keeping my private self to myself - there's a level of me that I openly share with others, and another layer of me that remains hidden. But during that 5-minute check-in, I started to realize that perhaps this private, angry self I've been suppressing has been fighting it's way to the surface, and that many interactions I've been having with my friends, my co-workers, my family has been tainted by these feelings because they've been bubbling to the top. I'm starting to see that things that normally get me angry, are suddenly infuriating and intolerable. And the more I experience events that make me angry, the more anger I feel, and the more things I try to suppress. 

The story above is actually something I read a long time ago, and when I first read it, I was like "that's such a cool idea". But since then, I've started to work full time (2 years!) and realize it is almost impossible to divorce work and personal life completely. However, the more I thought about it, the more I understand what the writer was trying to convey. He wasn't merely just hanging out outside so his family didn't have to listen to it. He acknowledged they were problems, acknowledged they were things that bothered him, then chose to leave it overnight and come back to them - after a good nights rest and some perspective.

She said... Proposal story

To be practical I will post the FAQ I've received since acquiring my new piece of bling:

Q: OMG!! When did it happen????
A: August 4, 2013 at around 5:30 pm. Orrr 5:45 pm. Sometime between those two times. When Jon gets nervous he talks a lot. 

It was a bit funny: since Jon and I started dating, he knew I had a heart to go overseas to do some medical work. Jon had told me last year that he wouldn't consider proposing until after I had gone to at least one trip. On August 4, 2012, I left on my trip to Honduras - one of the boldest, craziest things I've ever done (go to a different country with a bunch of people I didn't know). Ironically, exactly a year later, Jon decides for us to get engaged on the same day - which in it's own way is another bold, crazy step in my life. I thought it was a perfect example of the selfless person he was - waiting for me to accomplish a dream of mine before pursuing our marriage, but I found out later that it was coincidence and that he didn't think about it at all. 

Q: Did he do it in Japan? 
A: Nope! Before the trip he kept insisting it was not going to happen in Japan. Some friends kept saying "that's just to throw you off". During the trip, there were moments where I thought he might just do it, like when we were overlooking Kyoto in the Monkey Park. Or sitting beside a lake covered with Lotus Flowers. And all these 'moments', we would stop and joke about some pretty crazy epic scenarios of how he could propose . Like in the middle of a bamboo forest with green tea in one hand and the ring in the other - followed by a meal of Kobe Beef.
But, all jokes aside, he did it in good old Waterloo. Where we met. Where he's doing his PhD. Where my family and lots of close friends are. Lots of sentimentality.

Q: How did he do it?? 
A: Well, he got down on one knee and asked me to marry him. Old school.

Q: No, seriously... How? And Where?
A: Haha well he planned a 2 week scavenger hunt that included finding things, solving clues, meeting up with friends, making macarons, hunting for pictures and general hanging out. Each of the stations were 'manned' by my family or some of my closest friends. Jon had  planned that each station would link to important aspects in our lives: Support, Encouragement, Familiarity, Fun, Friendship, Growth. But he also allowed my friends to put their own spin and flavour into it. At the end, each meeting was just so comfortable and full of fun and laughter. I really appreciated he involved so many of these people, and remind me how thankful I am to have them in my life as well.

After all the running around, on the last day (Sunday) he brought me to Waterloo park, and like we discussed in Japan he proposed in a bamboo forest Waterloo Park with green tea in one hand and the ring in the other.

We then went to Golf's Steak house for some Kobe Steak and was received by more friends and family :). It was a wonderful way to end off a wonderful two weeks.

Q: Did you see it coming?
A: Well as you can see from the large proposal plan, by the time it started, I knew it was going to happen. I didn't really know how, or why, or where, but I knew it was coming. We had talked a LOOOONG time ago about how he might do a Scavenger Hunt type thing for our engagement, and so I knew once the hunt began it would end with a proposal and a ring. Also, back in February/March we did go ring shopping as well, so I had an idea that it was gonna happen sometime this year...

Q: eeee! Can I see the ring? 
A: My Blackberry camera doesn't really do it justice. But here it is. It's a bit distracting. Especially when I'm driving and it catches light (which is all the time). Man that thing is shiny! But yes, we went to go ring shopping earlier this year so at that point I was fitted for size, and explained to Jon that kind of thing I would like (or not like).
:

Q: Did you cry? 
A: No 

Q: Did he cry?? 
A: Haha. No. 

Q: What did he say?? 
A: He was pretty nervous! But to sum it up: He told me that I am more important than his PhD and that he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me. And then he asked me to marry him. 

Q: Was it what you hoped for? 
A: To be honest, I'm not really the type to dream about "the perfect" proposal. I just knew I wanted to be with this guy and that at some point we'd go from dating to being engaged to being married. I didn't really have a perfect "how" in my head.

At the end of it, I think that Jon did it just right - it matched our relationship perfectly. It was wonderfully and meticulously planned when it needed to be, and spontaneous and genuine in all the right places. It was full of fun, laughter, friends and family. And instead of making one huge surprise (I hate surprises), it was a build up of emotions that led to one final question that at the end of all that, I undoubtedly knew my answer for. 

Q: So, what did you say? 
A: YES! (I may have said it even before he finished the question...)

The aftermath.
After speaking to many parties involved with the proposal, I thought it was pretty amusing the interactions many of my friends had with Jon. It just made me feel really happy that this whole plan didn't just result in our engagement, it gave some of my friends a chance to get to know Jon a bit better, and for Jon to get to know them better too. I've heard some pretty funny back stories, and it just warms my heart that so many people were involved and the trouble you all went to for us! Thank you! :)

influence

In an attempt to get to know one another better, Jon and I have spent a lot of time answering questions that force us to think hard about who we are, and be HONEST with ourselves and each other about some things we don't typically think about.

One of the questions in the book reads:

Who are the people in your life that have influenced you the most and in what way?We all have significant people in our lives. Some have been mentors who have helped us grow. Unfortunally, sometimes we are influenced in dysfunctional ways that can hamper relationships. When we identify people and their impact, often what we do and why we do it takes on a new meaning. 
This is actually really difficult. I'm really trying to limit myself to the top 10 people who have influenced me the most. There a lot of people who have shaped who I am... But when I think about pivotal critical things in my life, these are the people who come to mind.

I'm not going to list the 10 I came up with on this blog, but it was a fascinating experience determining who made critical, life changing imprints in my life. There are some obvious people. There are people that i never really thought much about in my life, but when reflecting on who i am today, realizing that someone that seemed so insignficant in my life actually made such a large indent

An example of such is my uncle. 

When I was coming up with this list, he was not one of the immediate people I came up with that cracked my "top 10 people of influence". I saw him at most twice a year, and then he was this distant uncle with a loud voice and a giant presence that I couldn’t get away from. I still remember the smell of the dusty old room on Shaughnassy place. The way the house looked. The way it felt when our family was there.


Why then is he on my top 10? 

Well to start, he was the reason we moved to Canada -  waterloo specifically. It’s a bit weird sometimes looking back and hearing my dad speak of my uncle. The opportunities he gave my dad – really I wouldn’t be where I am at all without him.


He was rich. Immensely. I think through his riches, I’ve learned to understand it’s really not money that matters. I had all the expensive clothes, I had the ‘high end foods’, but I still was made fun of in school. It reminded me that being rich was more than just money. It meant taking care of my money. It meant not using my money to buy happiness/love. It’s about being my own person.

Perhaps the last, big (and morbid) reason he really altered my life was in his death. It changed my understanding of life and death, and my understanding of family values. He passed away when I was in grade 11. There was little I really understood about death until then. The fact that I never would see him again never crossed my mind. The way he lavished us with presents we didn’t appreciate. The way he helped keep my grandmother happy. These were all things I took for granted. On the contrary, his death also brought up all these family secrets we all wished never to have known. All these things broke me out of the Grade 11 trivial drama that filled my life and into a world that made me realize that people aren’t perfect. That families aren't perfect. His death influenced how I’ve chosen to live.


It reminds me once again that everything we do, every life we touch, every word we say, how we spend our money, how we spread our love, where we put our time, our thoughts - all that influences the people around us. 

Spread too thin

At work, there's always so many things to do. Initiatives to plan, meetings to attend, people to see, networks to connect to. Being a 'new' employee to the organization, it's difficult to say no. At times it's almost like I'm 'forcefully' throwing myself into conversations, committees, discussions, initiatives because then I look good, I'm trying hard and contributing something. But sometimes, even with a full plate I can't turn down an invitation because I want to look open and eager.

My supervisor (often the one loading me with tasks) and many coworkers constantly remind me to learn to 'say no'. If I say yes to everything, sure it's great, but it can also mean I do everything at a mediocre level as opposed to do one (or a few things) thing great.

I think it's something that I do a lot in all aspects of my life. I don't know how to say no. I don't know how to focus myself on one task, one person - I want to be everything to everyone. In the end I may have a lot of achievements, but nothing I truly think I excel it. I may have a lot of people who know me, but very few friends that I say really 'know' me. I say no when I should say yes, and yes when I should say no.

How do I change?

To the stranger on the 42 bus heading east this evening- thank you. Thanks for helping me pick up my groceries when the bag ripped. Thanks lending a hand while I tried to gather my dignity and my belongings as other people just stood and stared. Thank you for your quiet 'happy valentine's day' to me as you left the bus.

You made my night! I hope you had an wonderful evening with the people you love. :)