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Mixed Emotions

Emotional? Disappointment? Resentment? A heavy heart. This is a year of good news for many of my single friends even celebrities who were single for a long time. Met up with a friend whom I hardly met since Covid. Today we met up and she introduced her boyfriend. Happy for her though I was surprised. The next bomb was she is getting married in November. Definitely happy for her, but I felt this extreme loneliness and again, likes an unwanted or neglected child. I admit that I am not fervent in praying in this area of my life nor any areas of my life. Except an occasionally whisper to express how I feel, my concerns about work or my mum. Is my miracle on my way or am I damned to singlehood? Am I truly enjoying my freedom or am I just trying to survive through. There is a sense of deep sadness but there are no tears. 1I once experienced in what I thought was a miracle, like finally, God You remember me. I was truly happy and blissful but I probably blew everything away in the m...
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Tarry and do not be tired

Definition of tarry intransitive verb 1a: to delay or be tardy in acting or doing 1b: to linger in expectation : WAIT 2: to abide or stay in or at a place Oct 2018 till Oct 2019, everything seems to happen only in October for some reasons. I met JQ in Oct 2017 and somehow felt some attraction. Then we got together in 2018 but broke up in Oct the same year. We met with the leaders in Mar 2019 and was told to wait for 6 months. That deadline was Oct 2019. I don't know why am I so controlled or so tormented with the fact that I need Cindy's approval. Would I rather break my own heart then hers? Or was it like what Sara says I want to have a form of guarantee or security. Is it because I don't want to take the responsibility of a mistake that I may make? Am I afraid to face the failure of the choice or decision that I make? If anything goes wrong, I have someone to blame? Or is it just the blessing and approval I want from someone who has helped me and walked with me f...
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Heartbroken for a year

It's been more than a year since we broke up. Everything was a whirlwind when we decided to be officially together on 7th July 2018 - 07/07/18. This also represents our name - QiQi. It was a bed of roses when we were together, doing things together, having dinners. I really enjoyed having a companion, finally. Only after 1 month of our relationship, we took a step too far ahead. We lost our focus and I somehow allowed it to happened. I became weak and broke all boundaries when we were together. The pain was excruciating when it happened the 2nd time and Cindy found out what happened. That was the end and we didn't meet after. I was crying everyday and every weekend. Whenever I pass by a familiar place, or our favorite food, my tears just flow uncontrollably. Even when we were having our CG retreat end of Nov, I received a letter before the trip. Whatever the content was, all I could remember was I couldn't control my tears for the entire trip. My tears just kept coming ...
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Blossoming

Entering into Q2 and things have been moving quite fast since May. JianQi and I have decided to just not meet each other for the entire month of May but we kept our communication.We are both away for most parts of the month - me going for half the month for HK work trip then Okinawa holiday. For him, he was going away for mission trip. We got together in the last week of May where things start moving forward. Just before his church camp we had a talk as I felt prompted to ask about his past sexual relationships. I told him that the past week I was physically attracted to him for some reasons and I prayed about it. Whatever he shared, I could accept except for the last incident when he was involved in ministry but due to disappointments, he actually had a sexual relationship out of rebellion. It was so disappointing. I told him to seek God during the camp and to minimise contact for the next few days while he was in camp. Coincidentally, Friday night, I met up with Cindy, the gal...
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Update for Q1 2018

It has been a journey since beginning of this year. In fact, I thank God for the healing sessions end of 2017 before Sep. I have been going for healing sessions with cornerstone and have been greatly ministered to. Release of the pressures and stress of life since my youth when I had to near all the brunt of my father and take up the responsibilities of my mum's inability to be a housewife. The loneliness and rejection that I had to go through during the last trimester of my mum's pregnancy while staying with my god grandma. It was a great relief and deliverance and reassurance of His unconditional love for me. He will never leave me nor forsake me. Since then I felt so much lighter about myself and about life. The oppression and your was broken off from me. Now I felt that things are progressing. I started to join a ministry - Greeters - and have been involved for the past 2 weeks. My first start was back at Jurong west. For the past month, quite unbelievably, I ha...
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Directions

I wonder when I saved this as draft. Till now, I am still very grateful for the opportunity to go to US. Very blessed to have such an experience for 2 months, I am going to remember for life. So glad to know Kathy, Michelle and Shirley from CRFC. The only person I didn't get to know is my potential whom I hope to meet. Nevertheless it was an unforgettable experience and I get the chance to visit the magnificent Niagara Falls and East Canada. I am probably going to harp on this for years. "2016 has been a year of many blessings. I get to go on a work trip for 1.5 months to Midwest USA, Iowa to a beautiful, peaceful and homely city - Cedar Rapids. Thank God for my olleague who was took the effort to spend time with me for several weekends, sacrificing her personal time. On my 1st week of arrival, I had the honor of having the CFO to chaffeur me to/fro work. After that, I was on my own with company paid rental car. I get to explore the city a little on my own and almost g...
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Trapped in memories

It's no doubt that I am struggling with my faith, with ministry, with my perception of ministry and who God is. I think to myself what is it that I am not letting go, why do I choose to hold back and why do I stand still at the same point?
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