I want a moment...

I haven't blogged in three months. I know very few people even notice that I haven't blogged or even miss reading my dumb little posts but I miss it. I hate that there are so many blank spots now in this little bit of my personal history. Like most people, I'm so busy my head feels like it's literally spinning most days. I just want a moment...

I want a moment to share details about and pictures of my trips to Texas and Utah. I kept notes about one trip but not about the other. If I wait too long, the important details will leave my brain forever. 

I want a moment to hang up all of the laundry that's piling up in my bedroom. 

I want a moment to get my Book of Mormon clothes made for youth conference next week. 

I want a moment (and some sunshine) to sit on my Mom's patio and watch her puppies play. 

I want a moment to blog about some of the recipes I've made recently that I love. 

I want a moment to drive to the Sonic that's 40 minutes away and get a gigantic raspberry limeade. And truthfully, I want to sit in my car and drink one and then order a second one. 

I want a moment to organize my thoughts after 5.5 hours of stake youth meetings last night. I feel almost paralyzed by all that's in my head right now and while I know this too shall pass, right now, things are a little/a lot hard. Granted, I wouldn't want the alternative so I'll stop whining. 

I want a moment to finish graduation gift shopping and to write about all of the totally amazing kids I love who graduated high school last week. 

I want a moment to express gratitude for my crazy, wonderful, yet not exactly what I hoped for life. 

I want a moment to nap. For like four hours of moments.  

I want a moment to tell my upstairs neighbors that they have to think of a way to shut their stupid dog up so she's not barking all night long. We live in a condo - it's so beyond unacceptable to have a dog that barks nearly every hour all night long. She needs to sleep in a kennel. 

I want a moment to listen to my Broadway pandora station, to play Candy Crush, to read a book. Maybe even all at the same time. 

I want a moment to rewrite this so it doesn't sound so whiny but meh. Nobody reads my blog anyway (well except for like 5 people who love me despite my faults and wouldn't judge me for being whiny.)

Okay here's a pic of Leah and me that I don't think I put on Instagram. Love her even though she's growing up and leaving me. 

What I Like

I was asked recently what I saw in my beloved Robert Downey Jr because while yes, he’s totally hot, he’s also not the typical Hollywood looking guy. He has that certain je ne sais quoi that’s hard to describe (yes I took three years of French…be very impressed.)

But it got me thinking as to what I find attractive in men. I know girls who make lists of very detailed things they desire in a man and I’ve never really done that. However, there are qualities I find adorable and attractive and they include the following:

A testimony all his own
This is pretty much a given but still needs to be said and needs to be said first. I want someone who is firm in his testimony and convictions, someone who wants to go to church every week, someone who is worthy to marry me in the temple and who will willingly use his Priesthood authority.

Personality
People, it’s all about the personality for me. I don’t care if you’re pretty or scary looking. Truly, I do not. I care most about whether you have a thought in your head, if we can make conversation and whether or not we can make each other laugh. Confidence, not cockiness, is also attractive to me. It’s a fine line between the two and hard to describe and explain but I know it when I see it.

Kindness and goodness
In one of my favorite movies, "Waitress," one of the characters says “you are the queen of kindness and goodness.”

I find kindness and goodness to be extremely attractive qualities in a man. I love people who are inherently good…people who serve willingly, people who smile at others, people who do randomly nice things for others. Yes, you can still be rascally, obnoxious and yes, by all means, please be imperfect but always be kind and respectful to me and especially to others like food service employees, my mother, older people and little kids.

Just listen
Another one of my favorite lines from "Waitress" says “And then I was addicted, baby. I was addicted to saying things and having them matter to someone.” (If you haven’t seen it, it’s a really good movie about an imperfect girl who finds her way through her challenging life.)

As I’ve gotten older, I’ve realized that I really love when my voice is being heard. I of course, love listening to others and I love trying to help those I care about with their problems but every so often, I want to feel like someone is there to listen to me too.  My love for being heard doesn’t mean I need to be out front, on stage, in charge, the loudest in the room, etc. although that can be fun at times too. But I just want to find someone who cares about what I think, who remembers the stuff I tell him about things that are important to me, who asks me how my day was and then asks me questions about what I just said.

That kind of sounds like a lot when I list it out but it’s also pretty basic, human interaction stuff. Really, what it all boils down to is me wanting to matter to someone. That’s totally normal, right?

Well, or if this guy ever became single and showed up at my door, I probably wouldn't mind that either.

 

 Okay I didn't just write this post simply so that I could share pictures of RDJr.  But, you're welcome.

Crazy life

My life is really good right now...very fun, but not overly blogworthy.  I don't take pictures of all of the fun things I do because either I don't think about it or they are just "normal" things. Such as:

I'm part of a goals club and I'm working to accomplish some things in my life...some with success, others not so much.

I eat dinner at my friend Susan's house at least twice a week, often times more.  Her family has made me their family and they are such a blessing to me. Her girls, specifically ABBIE and BECCA are anxious for me to blog more and to blog more about them.  It's coming, girls.  I promise.

Two more ward conferences to go - mixed emotions about that.  I love them but it will be nice to have somewhat quieter Sundays again.

I'm going to Texas in two weeks for Samantha's wedding. (I just searched my blog and I don't think I ever blogged about our trip to Idaho last year to help her shop for her wedding dress.) Samantha was one of my camp girls several years ago but since then we have become very close and she even asked me to be her escort at the temple. I'm so honored and touched and really hope I have enough room in my suitcase for all of the kleenex I will need. She and her sweet fiance are so happy and excited and are going to have a wonderful life together. Oh and I found a dress to wear to the wedding - thank heavens. Guys and their suits/tuxes have it SO easy.

I'm deep in the throes of camp planning...so many  meetings and email already.  I love it even though it occasionally makes me crazy. We're also doing "From Cumorah's Hill" with the youth of our stake and I love it.  It's challenging in that we don't have nearly enough rehearsals but I know it will be amazing.

My BFF Kim is going to be in Utah the first couple of weeks in April and I think our friend Lisa and I are driving down so we can visit her. I'm so, so, so excited to see Kim.  We keep in touch via email, FB and occasional skype and phone calls while she is living overseas but just seeing her and being with her in person will be wonderful.

And, now I'm going to be late to work. (One of my goals is to NOT be late to work...sigh...)

Right now

Apparently I haven't blogged in a month. I'll try one of these to maybe get me back on the wagon again.

Watching: Survivor. I don't know if I can take an entire season of Mr Pink Underwear again. Ugh.

Drinking: water, water and more water. I tried diet Pepsi with lime and holy cow was that stuff disgusting.

Eating: Nothing right this second but my favorite lunch is cucumber sandwiches (slice of French bread, a little veggie cream cheese and sliced cucumber.) So, so good. (Credit goes to my friend Jeni for introducing them to me.)

Listening: the Les Miserables soundtrack. Can't stop. When I'm not listening to it, the songs are going through my head.

Wearing: Christmas pajamas. Of course.

Reading: I just started the book of Jarom in the Book of Mormon. We challenged the youth in our stake to finish the BofM before we perform "From Cumorah's Hill" this May. I'm loving it - especially now that I'm through 2 Nephi.

Feeling: Mixed. That could be because of hormones. TMI? Too bad.

Weather: Cold! I wish we would get at least one snow day instead of this in between stuff. I want spring but I would love to sit at home and watch it snow all day.

Wanting: to go to Utah in April. It might happen. Cross your fingers!

Needing: to figure out how I can get more sleep. I am becoming worse and worse at sleeping and I hate that.

Wishing: well, more praying than wishing. Praying for Jeni's dad and praying for my friends Becky and Sandy who lost their mom last week.

Thinking: that it was four years ago today that my dad died.

Enjoying: the fact that today was the first day in three weeks where I didn't have knee pain. I hurt it doing basically nothing. I probably should still go to the doctor but I'm a dork.

Loving: Candy Crush Saga. I cannot get past level 77. It's probably a good thing that this game only gives you 5 lives at a time.

Whiny yet grateful

I counted up the hours I will have spent this week on church calling related meetings and activities and wondered if you'd like to hear the number?  

Prepare yourself. 

22 hours.  

This includes meetings, a New Beginnings, Ward Conferences, a YCL retreat/party, preparing messages for three of those events (I'm giving four different talks/messages this month - it was going to be five but I offloaded one, thankfully.)  This number doesn't include the number of emails, phone calls and texts that were related to my calling (hundreds of email - I am not exaggerating.)  

I'm not complaining.  I really wouldn't have it any other way.  I would be really sad to not be serving the youth of my stake but it's just a little crazy right now.  I am feeling incredibly blessed and inspired as I prepare my talks.  I'm healthy.  I'm getting some sleep (I think I got 10 hours last night - first time in forEVER.) So for the most part, things are okay.

However, I've had a couple of stressful things happen this month - heartbreaking things that have shook me to my core, pretty much.  I've cried a lot.  I've worried a lot.  I've prayed a lot.  I've questioned myself and my decisions.  I've felt completely and utterly alone, at times.

But I really think the reason I haven't curled up into the fetal position and taken to my bed is because of three things...my job, my friends and my calling.  I have been able to go to work each day and concentrate on other things for several hours which has helped a ton.  I have some solid-as-a-rock friends who are there for me consistently and completely.  Friends who invite me to dinner and email me and call me and listen to me whine about my sadness and confusion.  Then I have a calling that brings me such joy, I find it hard to express just exactly how much.

I guess I just want to blog today about gratitude.  Even though another year has begun with me still wanting, I'm grateful that overall, I'm happy and fulfilled.  I'm grateful for my faith and my membership in the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.  I have a good life, a fun life and a life that is filled with love and happiness.  Really, what more could a girl ask for?

Okay a girl could ask for a couple of pictures in a blog once in awhile...here are some random happy things from the holidays:

The Robinson's gave me a Kindle Paperwhite - I wept.

Me and my seester in Mom's pantry

The J's: Jana, Jaylene & Jenilee

My adorable soon to be a missionary in Ecuador niece Dolly

me and the Allen girls

Roberto as a horse

My  mom and Soph

Matt the photo bomb at Natalie's baptism

I wish...

I wish my makeup would miraculously remove itself every night

I wish I was one of those people who aired her grievances and solved all of her problems via social media (okay, only once in awhile...)

I wish my clothes would never get dirty, thus resulting in my never needing to do laundry

I wish I was in England right now just doing anything or nothing with my BFF

I wish I was one of those people who jumped right out of bed when the alarm went off

I wish it wasn't so painful walking into my evening relief society meeting alone, wondering who would sit with me

I wish I would put away my shoes at night instead of leaving them to pile up inside my front door

I wish the frosting on my mint brownies would set up so I could go to bed.

I wish the radio stations would stop playing "Christmas Shoes" once and for all

I wish I could write what I really wish for without sounding whiny and ungrateful

I wish everyone's Christmas wishes would come true

I wish...frosting's done. I'm going to bed!

Who am I?

I'm the girl who can never say no to bread.

I'm the one who cares entirely too much if people like me or not.

I'm the girl who can watch "Pride and Prejudice" lit'rally (say it just like that) every single night as I'm falling asleep.

I'm the dork who says "that was funny" whenever something is, you know, funny.

I'm the aunt who really loves her nieces and nephews.

I'm the girl who uses lipstick as lip balm (gets kind of expensive.)

I'm the one who adds a splash of Cherry Coke to her Diet Coke (thanks to my friend Anne for the awesome idea.)

I'm perfectly happy driving with the heat on full blast for miles.

I'm the person you can call to go with you for your patriarchal blessing (thank you SO much for asking me, Nikki!)

I'm the girl who still hopes desperately that her lifetime will contain some version of the ideal.

I'm that friend who would love to bake you your favorite treat for your birthday.

I'm the person who hates bananas with a passion.

I'm the queen of procrastination.

I'm the kind of person who can't just sit and watch television without doing at least one other thing.

I'm the girl who likes to schedule everything.

I'm the friend you can ask to go with you to Lowe's even though I find no joy in visiting home improvement stores.

I'm the one who knows everything will always get better. Always.

So who am I? I'm Jean Valjean.

Come on, there are at least three of you who thought that I would say that when you read my blog title! I was singing that song in my head and well, that's where this blog came from. So who are you, anyway? Tell me...I'd really love to know.