The Art Of Motion.

Highlight of my day! :')

Started a new phase of life about a week ago. Finally done with my undergraduate studies! Ah. Such is the feeling of freedom from late nights trying to cram a homework that you've procrastinated on since forever, or the stress that comes in figuring out which classes to take next semester to have the perfect combination for your schedule.. Yup. Done! I'm so thankful for all the support my family and friends have given and have been throughout these years in the States. Where would I be without them?

Started working at Federal Home Loan Bank in downtown Des Moines last Monday. Y'know it's so crazy how I landed myself here. Just a few months ago I was worrying and being anxious over "the future" and "what are your plans after graduation" questions. But step by step God has been so faithful. From the job applications in the past semester, from landing various interviews and being rejected, to finally being hired by one.. Sometimes you look back and think why did you ever doubt God's provision. Never in my life have I lacked anything. God has provided me and blessed me with so much, sometimes even when I feel so undeserving.

This is Christ's grace and love towards us. He loves us though we are broken and filthy rags. We may think we are worthless, but in His eyes, we are precious in His sight.

"But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us."

This is the hope we can have in Him.

So, right now. This job is a 6-month internship and could possibly lead to a full time. The best thing is that they do sponsor as well so fingers crossed, we'll see what happens! One step at a time. Wherever He leads.

One of the biggest things I've taken away from being here, is that I am undeniably, undoubtedly, beyond doubt a selfish person, prideful in all my ways, unemphatic, insecure, aloof, compulsive, deceitful ; flawed inside and out. The more I got to know myself, the more I disliked the person I was and who I have become. What happened? Was I not like this when I was back in Malaysia? No.

The truth is, I have always been like this. It's sin in my life that has always been present, but Christ has been opening my eyes to the truth. Like an onion, layer after layer, my skin is slowly being removed; revealing its true scent, pungent to the core. People can have their own perceptions of me, but do they really know my life? Have they seen me make decisions and live life? Sometimes, I have the fear of letting people in, because once I do, they would see that the pretty house that looked outside is actually in fact, run down, dirty, broken, pungent in smell on the inside.

 Now, as I ponder about life, what kind of smell do I want to give? When people peel the layers off, what will they see? What do I really want my life to be like? What do I want people to see or know me as?

Christ is slowly, but surely opening my eyes to a lot of things. He wants to transform me, He wants to set me free from the bondage of sin in my life. I've been bound in chains for too long. I want to experience the freedom and joy that He can give. And I know that I can't change without Him and His grace.


Lord, it's Your grace that keeps pulling me back. Help me not take it for granted.

Warning. This is a really girly rant.


Okay, so I just came back from my New York trip a few days ago and it was glorious! Being able to be in the city, surrounded by tall buildings, feeling small amidst the sight.. The highlight of the trip would definitely be the food. I've been to New York a couple of times and this time I'm only returning because I have to; to renew my passport that is expiring.

Food was amazing-as always. I would move here in a heartbeat for the food. But I won't. Because that would be a dumb move.

I ate so much that I stuffed myself like a turkey on Thanksgiving, and even if I was full, I ate somemore. Cause in my mind I thought to myself that I would never get food like this in Des Moines ever again, so YOLO. EAT EVERYTHING. And that's what I did.

Prolly not the wisest choice.

So, after 3 years of being in the States, I'm currently at the peak of my weight. NGAH. This is terrible. Never have I been this heavy. I told myself NEVER to reach this but..I guess the lack of self-control got the better of me.

I am capable of being depressed over my self-image. But no. I cannot. I will also not obsess over how I look or weigh.

I will, however, just eat carrot and celery from now on. Also since I broke the bank. Heh.

Rant over.

Own your faith. I think that's the one thing in this season. God doesn't have grandchildren. Just cause your parents are Christians doesn't mean you're one, and that you've secured a place in heaven. No. It is your own battle. You have to find out for yourself what it really means to be a Christ-follower. No textbook answers, just plain, raw truth. Know it for yourself, or don't call it genuine faith. Man, I want to have faith like that. Growing up in a church since young doesn't really help; though I'm glad I had great parents who gave me the foundation I need, but I need a rediscovering of my faith. What does it mean to follow Christ? What does it mean to suffer for Him? What does the gospel truly say? Do I believe them as truth, or just something I've been taught as I was a child. Automatic answers to questions, but when it really boils down to reality, do I know it to be true?  The desire to have the authenticity of faith. Digging deep. Knowing it for myself and not what I've been hearing all this while. Help me own my faith.

Yknow, turning twenty two doesn't really mean much to me. Birthdays were never a big thing in my mind, cause it's just another day. I know some people who love birthdays and would expect a grand day, but I beg to differ. People throw birthday bashes, have grand celebrations, but the most ideal celebration for me, is just to be surrounded by people you love. And that's what I got to do this year :')

I got to sleep in late, be surprised by a bunch of girls upstairs with cake, while I was still in PJs and had smelly breath, had lunch & sparkling wine with my housemates, shopped for house things, had a really great dinner, got to see my boyfriend and bring him back to Des Moines, & played Dance Central till the whee hours in the morning with my friends. Not forgetting to mention the lovely messages from people. 

I'm thankful. Thankful for the people in my life. Thankful for the fellowship that Christ has surrounded me with. Thankful for all the love showered upon me, reminding me that love is real and that there are people who genuinely care! Ahh. I'm so blessed, so so blessed. 

"3 Don’t be concerned about the outward beauty of fancy hairstyles, expensive jewelry, or beautiful clothes. 4 You should clothe yourselves instead with the beauty that comes from within, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is so precious to God. 5 This is how the holy women of old made themselves beautiful. They put their trust in God and accepted the authority of their husbands. 6 For instance, Sarah obeyed her husband, Abraham, and called him her master. You are her daughters when you do what is right without fear of what your husbands might do."

1Peter 3:3-6

Summer's end approaches. What has happened for the last few months? It's been good while it lasted.

Have you ever felt like pouring out your heart, but can never find the right words to say? Maybe even words could not make things tangible enough to be felt; what it needs is a heart patient enough to stay on and feel.

"The question of our calling should never start with “what should I do? Should I be a preacher, a doctor, a designer, a builder, etc…” Rather it should start with us asking WHO should I become?
Someone who loves, forgives, encourages, endures, protects, comforts, is kind, heartfelt, determined, faithful, overcoming… builds meaning and hope.
From this Holy and sacred place of love, we take faith-filled steps of grace down the path God leads us."

Source

I feel like most times, God just wants to test our faith and character. It's not about the outcome, but how do we respond to circumstances; coming out of it defeated or stronger. 

It's been a week since I've been back from spring break, and yet memories are still vivid in my mind. All the familiar faces, all the things that we did..How I miss.

For spring break, a group of 30+ of us from Campus Fellowship, (plus one stray hair from Iowa State;) took a 24 hour drive down to Florida, to reach the unreached at the University of Central Florida's campus. Being one of the biggest universities in America with 61,000+ students on campus, the percentage of Christians in community is much lesser than hoped for. Therefore, for a week, our group spoke to the students on campus about Christ, sharing our beliefs and hanging out with the students.  

I never regret going for the trip, and the best part about it was meeting all the people from CF, outside of Antioch and spending a whole week with them. I miss the heat, the people, and being free from all the responsibilities that a student can have. Esther shared of how life on missions is so simple; and I would agree to that. Setting aside all the duties and obligations of a student to really be able to focus on what's important, having extended periods of quiet times, and all of us having and working toward the same mission in mind. It's just such an amazing picture of unity in the body of Christ. 

Indefinitely, the mission was also stretching. Having the faith to trust God even despite circumstances; there were times where I was just too exhausted to love towards the end, but Jacob reminded us to shake out the very last drop in our cups. That was tough. Even for the times where I felt like I didn't see the results that I expected, I learned to lean upon Him, knowing that He knows what He's doing with the lives of these hardened hearts. For an example, Kenneth and I were speaking to this Agnostic lady who was married to an atheist, and after about maybe half an hour of speaking to her, listening to her, I felt that she was nowhere even an inch closer to Christ. The frustration of how she was too independent to see the need for God in her life.. But God reminded me of the verse, 

"So we do not lose heart. Though our outer self is wasting away, our inner self is being renewed day by day. " - 2 Corinthians 4:16 

Ultimately, it is God who grows the seed. I pray that every seed that was sown in all the lives of the students will be fruitful and multiply. That is the hope and prayer. 

On the last day, we had our "fun day" where we drove one and a half hours away to a beach to soak up the sun. And soak up the sun, we did-till some of us got really burnt. :)

I'm just thankful for the opportunity and the time getting to know everybody. Also, being able to serve side-by-side my partner in crime. Though I wish we all had more time..back to reality. 

Wow, it's been a while.. Hello, you, if you've still been faithfully checking in on me through this blog. I haven't been updating as often as much as I hope for..well, or even at all. I was just pondering about life while in the shower just now (isn't it always the shower..) of how things have been so much more different ever since I've came to the States. The taste of independence, freedom, making my own decisions.. Not only in terms of that, but I feel like life here is just so busy. Sometimes I feel like I can barely keep my head above water with my studies. Not only that, but the "Impossible Trinity" also recognizes the balancing act between social life, sleep and studies. Yeap. Impossible it is. How on earth did we ever survive with 10 subjects in high school?! 5 subjects over here is bad enough already. Time is never enough. Assignments, projects, homework and exams keep on coming, all one after another. And then I've to think about spending time with people? And then sleep? Ha. Good bye. I should just turn into a robot now. Is it just me, or is it my lack of time management, or am I having too much on my plate? I want to spend time with people and be in community but by the time that I've completed all tasks, my energy, brain power, love-all spent.

Having said this, tonight, is the only night out of my many nights of this week that I have gotten a chance to sit down and take a breather. Lord, I just thank You. I needed this. Yes, I still have a bunch of work that needs to be done, but for now, I just need to breathe and rest.

Believing for God's favor! Internships, job opportunities, learning experiences..I trust in You to provide.

I really dislike my inability to express myself. Thoughts, emotions, feelings, everything gets bottled up inside. Sometimes I feel like Tin Man. Heartless, lifeless, hard to crack.