Normalcy

First penned in early-2019; reflected upon deeper and completed in 2021:

The waft of normalcy

So heavily potent, yet reeking of necessity

Flowing in through the gaps of car windows

As you inhale, eyes fixed on the road

Instinctively stepping on brakes

Timing yourself from when you'd left home

To when you step into routine

Still thinking about that rushed breakfast

You count the steps 

Leading to ..?

Eyes still heavy from the night before

It is all autopilot now

You breeze through the doors

Of your corporate sanctuary

Unsure of what lies ahead

Yet certain of routine

Amongst many other surprises thrown by life

Settling

No, don't settle

Strive

Striving for a place, a voice, a speck of echo

Permeating through the walls of your cubicle

Carried by the wings of hierarchy

Disengaged, and tethered in many ways

To a place you promised to yourself never to return

One that binds you

Shackles, breaks and

Debunks all possible rationale

"Not today, again"

Not for me, but for Him

All for Him

For glory and submission to His kingship

Doubts, emptied

Fears, freed

The pursuit of wordly affirmation

Remains a futile chase

Or as His word says,

"A chasing after the wind."

Let normalcy

Be the ground that anchors one in praise

Let routine

Shape daily discipline

Owing it to the One who granted breath

Breath

To live, obey,

dying

to self.

Why I Deviated from the Law

I've missed writing.

I've done myself quite a disservice by neglecting the habit of writing, but more specifically, failing to fully recount how the last few months have been for me simply because I've honestly been struggling with the realities set before me. How do I logically explain the episodes I've encountered, and justify the decisions I've made thereafter? How will my story look like in the eyes of my contemporaries? So many questions, frivolous answers. But I pen my journey regardless. For the avoidance of doubt, the following post will describe my tale of leaving the legal profession, my thoughts surrounding my exit and how things have been post-transition.

Many will know most law students commit to a legal career post-graduation as a conventional route. I was one of them. In the span of 5 years, I'd acquired my degree, became a barrister, secured a pupillage at a reputable firm and ultimately qualified as a lawyer in my own jurisdiction. Things looked bright for me, and I was proud that my loved ones, especially my parents, were proud of my achievements, which I felt never really belonged to me in the first place. As a student, I'd worked on the assumption that I would still have years to figure out what career would shape my life, and I have to admit I really did take my time in setting a proper career goal. Perhaps it was due to the pressures of the norm, by advice from seniors, or simply by the lack of thought on my own part, which led me to thinking pursuing law was going to be a sure-career that would set the tone for the next 30, 40 years of my life. In other words, I was comfortable with convention, and I struggled to see what other alternatives there were out there for me.

In the past year or so, my lenses grew clearer. I had just completed my pupillage last year which gave me a proper insight into the mechanisms within a firm, and I honestly could not tell whether or not what I experienced appealed to me. "Just a learning curve, maybe it's just a system glitch that I will manage to adapt to", "You have to take the good with the bad", were often thoughts which I had when going through my stint. Beyond that, I could tell that I was not settled with something, despite the fact that I had poured my efforts into my tasks, and to a more severe extent even left the office once at 4 in the morning to rush on a court hearing deadline. I was willing to stretch discipline, but at the same time, physical and mental tiredness took over.

Cleverly, or perhaps not so, I decided to justify why I felt a certain way - fulfilled but not accomplished. I attributed my experience at the firm to the practice area I was in, litigation, which is essentially a notorious line of work that hinges on unruly deadlines, voluminous manual labour and paperwork, demanding clients, amongst many other factors. I assessed the situation and thought perhaps my foray into law began on the wrong foot, and that maybe trying out a less contentious type of work would suit my palate better. And so I embarked on working soon after at another firm where I ended up practicing corporate, commercial and property matters. The shift, although stark, was manageable, as in general the environment does not really change much from one law firm to another. I kept to my tasks, took on a more front-facing role this time, and was exposed to many briefs and clients on this side of the law which at times brought me some satisfaction, but that again did not subsist.

I started questioning why. Why was it that I was feeling this way? Why have these years of toiling over my education and early career in law brought me to a point where I was starting to doubt my position in this profession? For the longest time these thoughts plagued me. I felt a wave of shame and a tide of guilt. Again, I blamed it on the necessarily evils at work, that my strong feelings were triggered by the "ugly" facets of the nature of my tasks. Deep down, I knew those weren't the motivators.

It was difficult to pray, because I wasn't exactly sure what it was I had to pray for, but He is never distant and hears my innermost thoughts and worries. In quiet solitude, I prayed, questioned, sought the Lord. Daily devotionals helped to remind me of His providence and comfort in times of uncertainty. Bearing guilt, I eventually confided in my parents, half expecting them to show disappointment and berate me for having a "millenial mindset", but on the contrary, they too prayed for and with me, and pushed me on in my quest for the right answers from God.

Admittedly, the answers weren't clear, and I still found myself not having a footing anywhere in my journey of testing. But as time went on, and at the tail end of my one year in legal practice, doors began to open, and God led me to opportunities beyond my expectations. The prayers did not cease, and neither did my guilt for leaving the practice of law, but with the help of loved ones and the assurance from God, I opted for a change in industry.

There was a quiet lull in the office on my last day in practice. I could not put my finger on the surge of emotions I felt on that day, from relief, to the residual tinge of guilt, to uncertainty of the future as I stepped out of the familiar confines of a law firm. But it became clear to me that leaving law behind me for now was necessary, in a strange twist of events. In the past year alone I faced one of my fears head on, which was that of the lack of affirmation I'd received from those in the know of my decision. I don't bode well with the thought of disappointing those around me because of my actions, but comfortingly, it was their assurance and encouragement which spurred me on to do what I did. And for that I am extremely thankful.

My journey does not end here, and this is in no way written in the tone of getting an achievement. The point is that God, in my brokenness and confusion, was real to me. He spoke love, compassion and wisdom into my situation and granted me the clarity of mind to make a decision that is prayerfully bent to His will, and I hope my remaining days of service would seek to glorify Him, wherever it is that I am placed. I am still very much in tune with the interest of law, how it governs the policies which affect society at large, and I don't think I will ever depart from the roots of my legal education. What I can understand at this stage, however, is that I am to use all that I have learnt, and to do my best in applying it in my new role, in a new line of service which He has called me to. A step at a time, a day at a time.

Psalm 73:20-28

20 They are like a dream when one awakes;
    when you arise, Lord,
    you will despise them as fantasies.

21 When my heart was grieved
    and my spirit embittered,
22 I was senseless and ignorant;
    I was a brute beast before you.

23 Yet I am always with you;
    you hold me by my right hand.
24 You guide me with your counsel,
    and afterward you will take me into glory.
25 Whom have I in heaven but you?
    And earth has nothing I desire besides you.
26 My flesh and my heart may fail,
    but God is the strength of my heart
    and my portion forever.

27 Those who are far from you will perish;
    you destroy all who are unfaithful to you.
28 But as for me, it is good to be near God.
    I have made the Sovereign Lord my refuge;
    I will tell of all your deeds.

Variant

These days, I perceive things a little differently from one passing day to the next. But perhaps it's because that there are no two days which are alike that I find myself constantly awake with anticipation - of what exactly? That my heart cannot answer. Today, I am alive, buckled with experiences and moments that have beautifully come my way by His grace and timely planning. I have realised what it is to stumble upon an unbeknownst plan and being pulled into it by a strange force of matching circumstances - time, place. I have come to know that God has His sovereign way of allowing things to fall into place at the right juncture in my life, and that I was able to understand that the sheer coincidence of time and place could not be attributed to the alignment of the stars in the universe more than the hand of God Himself.

With that, I met you. On a particular Sunday, having touched down from a flight and being introduced to you whilst feeling tired and looking disheveled after the trip. But our conversation was pleasant, and you exuded a warm personality although I thought nothing much of it at the time, only because I was tired and was going through a residual time of inward healing from a stubborn chapter. But with time, and with His grace, we connected soon enough and started getting to know each other. From our likes and dislikes, how you prefer your drinks cold, your knack at lame jokes, to discovering your thoughts on important things, knowing your kind heart, being comforted by your assuring words at times when I needed them, having a sense of peace whenever I'm around you. We are different yet strikingly similar in some ways, and I am grateful that we are on a journey which we can both call our own. Today, I am grateful to God for you.

Vapour

These days, when uncertainties abound, when you hear of people you know losing the fight to cancer, when purpose is teased and shaken - you retreat into the silence of the night and feel numb for a little while. In numbness, all you want to do is feel, draw close to the very source of comfort and let the words of a simple song reaffirm you of the love that puts sense into everything that happens around you.

O Fly On

It is a week night and it bewilders me how I have the time to be sitting down here, thinking of what to write as catharsis. Or maybe it is because it is a week night that I feel all the more strongly about penning down what I'm encountering in real time. I consider myself a bad timekeeper for only checking in here 13 days since the new year bells have rung, without uttering a single word about how my 2016 went. But then I realise these days that calendar years are but alarm clocks that remind us of the gradual yet intense pace that life is growing at, and there really is no such need for me to be always recollecting what I've achieved in the past 365 days, who I've lost and the regrets attached to every premature decision I had the task of making. And yet. There is still every reason to be reminding myself of why the year went the way it did, how each quarter of the year felt like a complete different milestone, and how fortunate I was to be on the receiving end of grace at every turn of my inexperienced life. For lack of a commonly all-embracing word, I am blessed. Blessed to have weathered the different facets of my journey - from completing a stint at a radio broadcasting company, resting in temporary unemployment, dabbling into my baking hobby by selling cakes, applying for jobs both locally and overseas, getting unexpected responses, to eventually passing my bar exams and getting the green light to pursue the infant stages of a legal career. It's amazing how each season felt like their separate story, how each situation demanded different expectations from me and I from them, how confused I was at which direction I was being pointed to, the burdening what-ifs.

But even then.

There lay an underlying connector that tied these stories together into one cohesive string. In the midst of it all, hearing from God was all I needed. A recent saying I have heard goes along the lines of, 'Life is a journey you must travel with a deep consciousness of God', and it is only now that I realise how resonating and true that statement is. A lesson I am very much carrying into the new year with me, and a reminder that even in the stormiest of days I will have the assurance of comfort, presence and control that anchor my very rocky boat.

Like many, my year has been one which has allowed me to seek opportunities in growth - there wasn't anything overly dramatic, but at the same time, the events that unfolded were in their rightful way significant and valuable to me. It strikes me that at the end of the day, we are all in our perfectly timed pursuits and there will come a day when we will reach an intersection with 'Where to Next?' signposts confronting us. I look ahead at the lane in front of me and it is blank, and that is how I envision my future season(s) to look like - an empty canvas waiting to be splashed with endless beautiful chances, transporting me from one hopeful possibility to the next.

I Will Meet You There

I am standing before a foreign painting - one that is graced with the strokes of an adroit artist - framing a scene of what seems to be a city in motion. It depicts both night and day, where occasional street lights shine upon the silhouettes of many a pedestrian, the swift steering of cars and the absence of bright blooms against a metropolitan skyline. For many days I have been living in some sort of surrealism where my senses are drawn to certain blurs in life, something I still can't quite put my finger on. It is very much like an out-of-body experience where I embody a spectator to witness my own moves, my thought process not quite intact and my third eye vision sharper than what it was before. Whatever the case, life seems to be moving at a pace of a different dimension, and I am one out of the many pedestrians in that painting trying desperately to find my way home. It is only but lately that I find myself encountering shifting definitions of time, expectations and loyalty - a trio combination that when misused altogether at once, has the potential of burning one too many bridges in life. It is a funny feeling, having to craft your own interpretation of these terms and setting them up against a benchmark of another individual's - why did I think it was alright to do that anyway?  And whoever mapped out the idea of putting my hope in another person in my fragile little mindset? Ironically, taking a step back from meddling with the clutter in my life has allowed me to fully view the extent of the mess I'd so carelessly created all throughout this part of my journey. It has taken me lesson upon lesson for me to fully comprehend the stark reality that failure exists in people, taking into account that I am part of that unfortunate number. But then, I take another step back to view the chaos, and realise that life does have its way of cleaning up for us at the most timely occasions, and the beauty of it lies in the restoration that follows gradually after. There is so much to be thankful for, such as miraculous career openings, long-standing friendships that stand the test of any drama, and a future secured in the hope of One. So what about this foreign painting before me? Do I continue observing this dimension halfheartedly, whilst reality continues to exist roaringly around me? I suppose only my acute senses will tell down the road.