moving on, moving forward

So after spending probably three months literally glued to each other, going on short trips and getaways and other things couples do during the geting-back-together period, The Diver starts a new 9-5 job today.

I am happy for him. It all happened when I asked him one day, "why don't you try something outside the oil & gas industry?" and by a stroke of luck, after asking an ex-colleague of mine about job opportunities in her current workplace, there was one opening that suited The Diver well.

I am happy for us, because once again we're back on our feet and are financially more stable.

Can one feel happy and shitty at the same time? Of course one can.

During his last couple of months at work last year was the time he strayed. Too trusting of me that I even close one eye when he was flirting with her on Instagram. I was THAT trusting, but when one day I called him and didn't get through, I really thought something was off.  And then a few times when he said his boss wanted him to stay back a while, and it was weird because he basically was not doing much work by then because it was his final few weeks already. So many memories that still hurt.

So him working reminded me of those cheating days. But then again, him not working doesn't guarantee that he wouldn't cheat.

We're closer than ever now. And I'm also glad to say that I am a calmer person than who I was last year. I love myself more, and after going through the traumatic phase, I know my self worth.

And most importantly, I know who loves me, unconditionally and wholeheartedly.

the L word

Ever since I got back together with The Diver, some people (friends and non-immediate relatives) have been avoiding me. Having said that, I am blessed to also have friends that are supportive and family members that love me to bits whichever road I may take.

A few justified it as "people don't feel comfortable being around a troubled couple" and some said that they didn't think it was a good idea, a frail union they say. Most of them think that I will go through the same thing again in future, and to back out now is the best option.

Run while I still can.

I understand their concern. I may be the forgiving, pushover wife, but I am not the clueless wife.

What I am most upset was the fact that someone said that I stayed because of the "convenience". I don't know who said this but whoever it was, she or he sure as hell don't know what the fuck convenience is. This has been the most INCONVENIENT phase of my life. Ever.

I stayed because of love. Love doesn't pay the bills, love is blind, love makes you lose your sense of judgment. But the best description of love is from a good friend: "Love is mysterious, it can collide with hate and yet it's still called love."

There are things that hurt me, things that The Diver still does. Some behavior that just can't be changed, things that I have tolerated for the past 7 years. Little things that used to NOT matter now matter because of the recent separation.

The fear, the trauma, the anxiety.

Our marriage is complex. I don't expect everyone to understand why I still love him.

Warts and all.

a sign of the times

I turned 40 on the 27th of December. 3 days ago.

When I was a kid I thought turning 40 meant using a walking stick, wrinkled as a raisin. Thank God I'm far from being that! I look pretty decent for a 40-year old with 3 kids and nursing a broken heart. At least that's what people have been telling me. Or were they just being polite?

Age was the thing that freaked me out when The Diver was having the affair. The girl was 27, he was 48. Ten million people told me to take a chill pill and that this "fling" will pass. But I know my husband too well. Age is nothing to him. I think age is nothing to most men.

It is nothing, and it is everything too. The younger the catch is, the bigger the trophy. Everyone wants to be Michael Douglas and Catherine.

What broke my heart was that during our marriage he kept on saying that I was already young enough for him, and that he could not connect to anyone over 10 years younger. That there won't be a connection. He will never go out with anyone over 10 years his junior.

Never say never.

When he did, I noticed a change in him. He stopped blogging, saying that there were "no issues" to blog about. This coming from a prolific blogger was rather odd. His Tweets seem lacklustre, mundane, directionless. He used words like "adoiyai". Secretly, I wished to see him graduate to saying things like "geli, dowh." It never got to that, fortunately.

When we patched things up, he realized that "rejuvenation" wasn't what he was after. The whole thing was like a "knock in the head" - to use his own term. I hope it was a hard enough knock. Enough to knock him back to reality.

What I did not understand is how could a girl that age be crazy enough to be going out with someone old enough to be your father? When I found out that she once dated a 60-something, I know that age meant nothing to her as well.

But isn't it wasted youth? Financial stability and Freudian father complex aside, to me it is wasted youth.

Who I am to judge? She and I are different people. In my 20's the idea of going out with an older married man was scorned upon by society and laughed at by peers. The latter being a scarier punishment - where to put my face if bawak pakcik masuk Modesto's?

I guess times have changed.

begin again

The Diver calls this a period of "rediscovering each other". Of which I totally agree. Everything seems to be better between us, the conversations, the quiet times, the laughs, and the things that can't be mentioned here.

But having said all that, I wish I can forget and ignore, but what happened was so bad that it leaves a permanent scar. The extent of the damage is irreversible - friendships lost, family ties severed, trusts breached in the worst manner.

It's still December. It's still two-thousand-fucking-fourteen. I give myself till end January to be less bitter and sceptical. And then what happens? And then I don't fucking know.

In spite of the expletives above, things have been going great between The Diver and I. We know why we can't leave each other, we know why we still need each other and most importantly he knew where he went wrong.

We sleep holding hands.

We are more in love now that we were ever before.

But I am prepared for anything. Anything can happen and if it happens again I will not be very forgiving.

My life now is a roller coaster of emotions. Days and days of highs and lows. I try not to write or even think about the future because the future to me is just too unimaginable. I know she's lurking there, somewhere in the shadows, just waiting.

Now is truly the best of times, and the worst of times.

law and order

Do you know that a third party can be charged if she/he was the direct cause of your divorce?

KNOW IT.

I didn't know this until I went to take my marriage certificate at JAWI. And by chance, I was seated near an Ustaz who was also a marriage counselor. To cut a long story short, he was the one who told me that a third party can be charged for wrecking a marriage.

So I went home and Googled and found out more.

And to cut a longer story short, I found a lawyer who has experience doing it. She's not the syariah lawyer that I used for my divorce proceeding but another one recommended by a friend. I liked her instantly, she's practical, modern and most of all, ruthless.

So the complaint went to JAIS and a police report was made too. The latter is just a "procedure". Whatever that means.

Now that The Diver and I had reconciled, my lawyer was wondering if I wanted to withdraw the complaint. I told her that after my reconciliation, the third party was still trying to wreck our marriage, and unrelenting in her pursuit.

But now, now I do not know. At this moment, I don't care to know, because if I did, I would have asked JAIS to proceed with the next step.

So in the end I told my lawyer I needed time, and I said a few things that I should not be disclosing here. Take all the time you need, she said. My emotional perseverance is that of a marathon runner, so don't underestimate me.

Whatever it is, this case is till open until I tell her to close it. It's open, just like my bleeding heart.

This blogpost was done on the 1st Anniversary of my brother in law's passing, and I dedicate it to him because if he was around, he will be encouraging me to do what's right and to exercise my rights. Always.

strangers with memories

"How did you bounce back?"

"How did you heal yourself so quickly?"

"For someone who's gone through shit, you look quite composed."

Truth is, I haven't bounced back and I am far from being completely healed.

I still wake up in the middle of the night gasping for air, as if I was mid-sentence in a heated conversation.

I still have dreams of falling off a cliff or a high building. Only to wake up in cold sweat.

Although much lesser now, I still have one-of-those-nights. Because to me, it wasn't a heartbreak, it wasn't a break-up, it wasn't just a divorce. It was trauma.

Do you know that it is easier to re-ignite the sparks than to un-love someone? How do you un-love? I tried doing that in October. It was hard, but day after day, I managed to un-love.

But only in tiny little particles. Flecks. Specks of dust.  Too minuscule too measure, but given time, I might be able to un-love.

It was virtually impossible to un-love in a month, I realized. You can only try to hate his guts, but you can't undo love, especially when there was nothing wrong in our marriage in the first place.

And then he came back, somewhat. I said somewhat because he came back, but there were no promises. There were no guarantees. There was a bit of remorse, there was talk of hopes, the future, and not ever letting me go.  That was the promise he made. He'd never let me go.

We reconciled.

There was talk of giving him time to battle his demons. But there was no deadline. And I felt that it was too early to impose one on him now anyway.

There was talk of maybe we should have a baby together. But this requires a lot of time and thought (which neither one of us have).

Sometimes I wish we can go back to being strangers. But then I can't remember a time when we ever were.

Circa 2008.

that month of the year again

It is December.

I have written this before, how December used to be my favorite month but for the past few years it has been a luckless, tragic, heart-wrenching closing of every year.

My late brother-in-law passed away on the 10th of December 2013. As if the years before were not bad enough, it just went straight downhill from there.

This year, it is the month I will turn 40. 2 days after Christmas.

I want to write something about last night, but I fear of the happiness being shortlived. But as the wise (in my case, Baz Luhrmann) often say, "Do one thing every day that scares you". So I will write about it.

It was late. We were lying in bed watching TV and then The Last Stand came on. You know, one of those brainless Arnie movies. At times it was hilarious, other times downright silly but what we did was we laughed together.

At that moment I was happy, that hour and a half of entertainment and us ridiculously laughing and him trying to gauge my sleepiness (it was way past my weekday bedtime).

It was as if the affair never happened. It was as if the marriage belonged to only the two of us.