I was having one of those days.
A day where I felt sorry for myself.
I can't do the things I used to be able to do I moan and groan.
Why can't I just have some time to myself?
I love my baby but I never get an interrupted time anymore.
I just get in the shower and waaah baby needs me.
I just snuggle down in a warm blanket to start this book I've been renewing at the library 2x already.
I want to run to the store easily and quickly getting my shopping done.
How do mom's use the restroom while out in public when the baby doesn't fit in the infant car-seat anymore and you are by yourself? How? HOW?
I want to do my hair.
I want to do the dishes.
I want to write on the blog.
I want to talk with a friend.
I need to sleep.
Have I been wearing this same sweatshirt for 3 days now? I need to change my clothes!
Oh don't get me started on laundry that needs to be done.
I just cut up the onions and got everything ready to start cooking for dinner.
Are you getting the picture here? I always am wanting to get something done and right as I'm doing it, all of a sudden I can't and I feel trapped. I feel overwhelmed sometimes. Maybe I'm not cut out for this mom business- Then Jay comes home finally and HERE take the baby before I go crazy! Of course guess what happens when he is caring for the baby? I wander in and end up playing right along with them. Of course.
I was taking a photography class every thursday night for a few weeks and that was my "break" from putting the baby to bed. Jay got to feed him and put him down for the night. But guess what? As hard as he would try, some nights I would get back by 9 and the baby would still be up so I would end up doing it.
This feeling has been building and building inside of me and all I want to do is do what I want to do, when I want to do it, and I can't because I have this new responsibility to be available all the time for whatever this little person needs. My body doesn't belong to me anymore, my brain- at least that's how it feels a lot of the time- I am a wife and a mother and where did myself go?
I talked with my cousin the other night who assured me that is how all mothers feel some of the time and sometimes we hate our jobs and mumble and grumble.
And this has nothing to do with the love I feel for the baby or wanting to make him happy and be there for him, whatever and whenever. Because I want all of those things too- it's just a transition from being yourself to belonging to something else entirely.
And then I stumbled upon this and I am putting the whole thing on here because I love it so much but I will also just highlight some of the key points:
What to do when you crave a Mummy ‘Time-Out’
You have had four hours sleep, the house looks like you’ve been burgled, the kids are screaming at each other, and the baby has colic. We have all been there and it’s not pretty. You feel overwhelmed, under appreciated and – let’s be honest- R.E.S.E.N.T.F.U.L. You want – no CRAVE- time away. Time to recharge, time to be yourself, time to not feel like a raving lunatic mummy – for just a short-while. You have fantasies about reading a book in peace, wearing a pretty dress (minus the stains), or having an uninterrupted conversation over a long, calm, adults-only lunch. This isn’t a good head space to be in, it can feel so imprisoning, yet we all feel it at one time or another. What are we encouraged to do about it? Modern parenting advice tells us to seek out, and actually insist, on that ‘Mummy Me-Time’ away from our kids. We are told it is vital for us (it helps us to recharge and have interests outside of motherhood) and important for our babies and young children (they learn to be independent from us).
But is it really such a good thing all-round, and does it even work? In my opinion it is a big fat NO to both. What I have learnt from my own experience as a mother-of-four, and as a parenting counselor working with many mothers in this situation, is that grappling for time apart from our kids often leads to more frustration and upset all around. It rarely recharges us enough, as promised, to feel better when we come back and we are stuck in a vicious circle of craving more and more (and feeling frustrated when we can’t get it).
Children typically react in various negative ways too due to our absence from protesting widely when we leave, to being very clingy or challenging when we return. Why is this? Because when they are young children only want to be once place – by our side. By the time kids reach puberty, certainly, they’ll be able to understand other people have needs too. But if they reach puberty experiencing that the way to meet needs is by ignoring someone else’s, that’s how they’ll treat others. Expecting to make time for one’s self with multiple young children is an unreasonable expectation. It may be possible if the children have a strong attachment to someone else, but in most cases they just want mum!.
I understand that moments away have value but the more we hold on for time away – for an hour, just an hour, to ourselves – the less we enjoy our moments with our kids. Getting a ‘Time-Out’, even for an hour may help in the moment, but it sure won’t fix it. It is like sticking a band aid over a severed limb.
So what can we do to retain our sanity? Switching gears from needing a ‘Mummy Time-Out’ to refuel to being able to refuel by being even more present with our kids is a much more practical solution. The fact is when our children are young learning how to be contented, to be happy, to get joy from being with them is pretty pivotal. But how can we make this shift in consciousness when we are at our wits end? Ironically enough what really does help is to do the exact opposite of what we feel we need ‘in the moment’.
Rather than run for the hills, actually get down to their level and really be with them. Bring them food, play a game, sing, chat, dance, read, tickle, run around outside – whatever helps us to reconnect. It sounds trite, but remembering to savour those moments, and remind ourselves that loving our children right now is something we really want to do is so important. It is something we chose and many people aren’t lucky enough to have what we do. That’s the kind of voice to add in and listen to any moment we feel frustrated and are getting wrapped up in the ‘hassle of parenting’. Rather than focus on changing them or getting away, we can focus on changing our perspective. Not once-and-for-all-forever – that’s too overwhelming – but a small step, just right now.
Does this approach really work? Many of the mothers I work with say it helps enormously. When my oldest child was small I honestly didn’t have these skills at first as it just didn’t come naturally . In fact it was excruciating. I loved being a mummy but as an avid reader I craved stretches of time to do that and I HATED being interrupted. I kicked and screamed, mentally. I wanted my brain back. However, once I started to step away from the expectation that I *should* have stretches of time to myself I found I could snatch little moments throughout the day which helped me recharge – a deep breath, reading an email, looking at the sky – and completely accepting that I could and would be interrupted. I also got into the habit of relishing those moments, no matter how small, as well as appreciating being able to really play with my kids and reminding myself they wouldn’t always need me this much. It took practice for sure but the rewards are immense. It just takes mindfulness and courage to ignore the rest of society who actively encourage us to push our children away at the earliest opportunity and start pulling them closer to us – even when it might be the last thing in the world we feel like doing at that moment.
Chaley-Ann Scott, BA (Hons), IIS, ISA, is a sociologist, writer, parenting counsellor, and mother-of-four. She is a contributing editor to The Attached Family (Attachment Parenting International magazine), and a regular contributor to The Natural Parent Magazine, Mothering, The Green Parent, The Mother, The Child, Kids on the Coast and Otherways. Her first book, The Shepherdess: A Guide to Mothering Without Control, is available in all good bookstores or online at
www.wombatbooks.com.au or
www.asktheshepherdess.com.
It's from the Natural Parent Magazine which you can check out
Here.
So, so good right? Even if you just read the highlighted portions;)
So I have noticed that a lot of the time I want to plan something to do with Jay or with my girlfriends or with my sisters and we talk about things and then I go, "oh yah, a baby can't do that" and end up feeling like I can't do anything anymore.
Well, guess what? It takes some creativity but I have been thinking of ways to include the baby into fun activities. Instead of Jay and I going to a movie, we plan an outing where the baby could enjoy to see what is going on as well (excluding date nights of course which I also think are really important for Jay and I to reconnect after a long week).
If I need to get something done around the house I have been strapping the baby to my back so he can come along and see what I'm doing. This is my new goal.
What is it to be "bonded" to someone?
It feels right when you are together
and wrong when you are apart.
This is my wish.
I wish to be bonded, bonded to the people that are most important to me.
So when I am interrupted during something I "want" or "need" to be doing:
(i.e. doing my hair, reading a book, sleeping blah blah blah)
I want to jump for joy that I have another chance to
hold my little one close
and sing songs
and make him
laugh
by
dancing like a lunatic
and tickle his little toes
and smother him with kisses on those
chubby cheeks
and love those little arms that
cling
to me so desperately
and bask in his slobbery
kisses he gives to mommy
and know that tomorrow he is growing up
I won't have him like this
in this moment
ever again.
2 weeks old here:
