What do you do when you start to withhold writing your thoughts and feelings? But well, I promised to write so here it is... (Raine's anticipating my new entry while CW commented that I update my wish list more than my blog.)

It's been a month full of mixed feelings.

A large part of bliss comes from time with the sisterhood (now Kristen and Sophie included) and CW. I realise how rarely treasured I am because I realise how few true friends I have.

The usual pain comes from the other half of the people that are supposedly closest to me. Well, maybe they are only in proximity. I shan't continue.

The recent drama in the financial markets has helped me learned a great deal, and shed light on the type of clients, friends and colleagues I have -- some I treasure even more during this period of testing, while others are not worth mentioning.

Whichever you are, I thank you.

It must have been His grace... for all that's happening and for the strength. There's a lot to prove. I want to soar above the storm. I really do.

Made a short trip to Batam with colleagues while you work away from Monday to Wednesday... ;P A trip that was thought to be a relatively stressful one in every aspect turned out fun and was all worth it!

Eat, drink, rest, tan, shop and PLAY was all we did... Check out the photos!

Wish I could stay for a few more days before I garner more courage to return. Still a good break though. Back to the grind!

There was a time I started drawing lines.

And I loved it.

But I begin to hit lines that I draw.

Like, everywhere I go I hit them.

Pillars, walls, ceilings, roofs, benchmarks.

Virtually, literally, emotionally.

Now I'm killing myself over the lines I drew,

and the eraser is missing.

Is it really worth it?

I survived the month of January with a bundle of blessings and grace from above...

I remember the last 3 months of 2007 weren't fantastic and I had to grapple with the commencement of 3 so-called jobs at various points in time, plus mugging for 5 papers and every stress that they come with. I've learned that everything is about management -- people, emotions, stress, time. Oh, that makes up P.E.S.T (control)! Pardon me, I am just an exhausted mental.

Work in a nutshell: In one place, grounds were familiar but relationships became distanced. In another, I came under scrutiny in a brand new style of environment, and I had to understand the politics and the odd ways I am being treated, at times so differently from peers... In the next, while my capabilities had to be proven by numbers and performance, my peers and leaders are happy and encouraging people... What a way to accelerate my experience and steepen my learning curve! Have I gone up to the next level of multi-tasking? I almost thought I had to clone myself or dissect my brain into 3 portions lest I speak or perform a task irrelevant to that particular environment and piang, there goes my rice bowl. Ok, one of my rice bowls.

Apparently, I had to change my mindset in the things that I'm undertaking... I had to figure out what's got to give when something's really got to give... Have I not counted the cost? Have I not managed my own expectations? Though I was determined to pursue what I wanted to, I really felt depressed because sometimes it's easy to wonder if people still love you or if you really can make it. What happened to "build it anyway, dream it anyway, believe it anyway..."?

In spite of all, joining a new CG is a good start (and so is learning how to better use eyeliners). Imagine the number of new people I know in just a short period of time from work and church! I still get to chill out with good old friends... Plus, getting to know someone in particular was a very blessed affair even though we're going to hear from each other less from now, which is such a pity... Furball's not too happy that I'm not as nanny as I used to be, and maybe that's why she's been acting up a little. Not forgetting that my ever-quibbly parents are still accommodating of me and my schedule except for the growing stack of newspapers I have not touched for weeks. I love CNY 'cos I can finally feed/refresh my brain cells with sleep and reading.

Meanwhile, I shall stick around that "one place" as I am altruistic, I am quitting "the other" (tomorrow!) as I deserve better and I determine to do well in "the next" because I am not only called to enter the race but to finish it. And I will do it well.

Like my new hairdo? Do I look like Jay? ;P Stylist right behind me so please be merciful with your comments... Moreover, CNY's nearing... Huat arh! Oh, here's what I actually look like now...

Resolutions are good to those who set them and fulfill them, and meaningless to those who are tired of living. It's been a year since the trauma and I am happy to be alive at this point in time.

I definitely have dreams and visions for the new year and I am very grateful for the people who have stood by me, whether patiently or not, friends, colleagues and family.

I will not attempt to try anything funny again, I will take care of myself and strive to be a good Jan.

I will set goals for the purpose of fulfilling them and I will keep my dreams alive, whether I feel alone or not. I will love life because some peeps love me.

Blessed Christmas~

"Whatever your hand finds to do,
do it with all your might,
for in the grave, where you are going,
there is neither working nor planning
nor knowledge nor wisdom.
-- Ecclesiastes 9:10

... I drank three cuppas of coffee.

... I cried pretty badly I have ever did in months.

... I strained my right foot and scalded my left hand for whatever reason.

... I had absolutely no mood to play with the ever-so-endearing furball.

... I don't know what I have done to myself.

Received a couple of gifts today and I thought, Gee... Christmas comes real early this year!

Blessings: see wishlist page.
Friendship: Priceless.
For everything else, there's Coffee.

Courtesy of Ming who came over to visit Coffee with Raine and took this rare shot!

One of the best shots I could take the first day Coffee came as she's really camera-shy... I really like the bandana.

Coffee's kinda like Tweety Bird - big head, small body... And maybe slim enough to qualify to be called a sausage dog ;P

Exhausted after battling with thunder and rain... Ugh, just like me when my silent hypo monster creeps near.

Sound asleep in spite of the noisy mahjong game going on... zzz~

One of her melancholic expressions while lying in her little cushy sofa...

Coffee-rina trying to struggle out of her new outfit!

Meanwhile, have fun preparing for the season and everything else that we reckon we should be doing towards the end of 2007 before 2008 arrives...

I seek and dream

And yearn to say

Stand and believe

to build it anyway




Yet things don't seem

To go my way

I just have to focus

Where the treasures lay...

Latte no more. Coffee it shall be.

The life of a caffeine addict is as such: A Starbucks cuppa espresso latte every working morning for the past six months. Sometimes with an extra can of Coke Light in the afternoon to raise the caffeine level. Next to H20, there's basically nothing else I want to drink given that fruit juices are about 15 minutes away. Now, there is no good excuse for that.

My new environment definitely needs some getting used as it's a culture shock for me after spending close to two years in a place of stress and abuse. Now, I am back to normal working hours and a company where co-workers are eager to integrate me, ensure that I'm not stressed out and that I can release more of my potential in the next couple of months. I wonder if I would end up being more stressed this way. Ha.

The feeling of being a newbie is good. Everything starts afresh. No burden. Everyone starts out feeling lost and takes time to orientate. I think I'm making good progress so far. I hope to do well. And by the way, Starbucks is out of my new home-to-work route and I'll have to take a 15-minute walk if I really wanted a cuppa. Ha.

While I'm trying to detox myself, I get caffeinated again. Coffee the silky terrier is being housed at my humble abode. (By the way, having a pet at home makes me less prone to unnecessary stress.) She's the newly crowned Princess, alright. My parents love her to bits. Yea, I'm so drowned in jealousy.

It's been two full weeks and I'm still alive. Erm, I mean, Coffee's still alive and very kicking - She's put on some weight and has grown braver. Maybe the extra weight and energy give her strength to counter the fear of rain, thunder and other foreign sounds/noises. I so wanted to write "The Curse of the Thunder god" after our first encounter during a stormy night together. Serious. But love and courage prevail! Woohoo!

Now my our new obsession is COFFEE. She's become the adoration of two families.

White space is good - Not only for web pages or any other sort of publications, but also for life. White space denotes time reserved for personal reflection and planning. White space gives clarity to what fills your schedule and helps you re-align your life with the important instead of the urgent.

One week of rest may not be long but enough to take a breather. Imagine no frustrations about work, no complaints about how tired I am, no acne breakout due to stress. Sometimes, it's okay to do nothing. Call me loafer.

Here's what I did: Studying, spring clean-ing cum dumping (this would always be in continuous tense), KTV (desire has lessened tremendously over time) and rest. I would never thought of just hanging out at the library leisurely checking out books on simple card-making and chic flower arrangements.

As much as I would like to dump, I took the trouble of less than 30 minutes to send 3 bagful of clothes (nope, very little from impulse buying) to Salvation Army. It makes the entire dumping exercise less bad.

I realised that I don't really have much trash in possessions except that there are loads of CDs, books and Christian resources especially from the days of Bible School. In the process, I discovered and read a school journal written in 1993 (I was only 16!), one other melancholic journal that I wrote and the many many cards and letters people wrote to encourage me and remind me that I'm remembered... How precious. Some things can't be dumped.

Sorry, it ain't "reduce, reuse, recycle".

Forget about all these talk about being environmentally green... My already-pathetically-small-n-squeezy room needs more space for the claustrophobic me! Ahem, especially when I'm gonna spend more time at home from now.

I am a natural hoarder - of information, and by way of books, magazines, stationery and resources for card/gift-making. But over time, I learned that there are things that you will never read or need again. If it's too much, dump. Ok, NEVER the case for moolahs. But I have started.

It is actually therapeutic to be dumping things. In my offices, I gather and dump rubbish whenever I need a break.

So the time has come to spring clean again... Given the short one-week break that I have in between jobs, I should take the opportunity and time to do what I need. Dump!

In the meantime, I started by reading my SHAPE magazines from 2004 till to date! A tenth of the information in my brain, half of the mags in the bin.

Oh, and please congratulate me as I have officially dumped that job.

... for what breaks Yours.

You don't know what you have until you see what others have lost and don't take for granted. Pastor Tan's message revived my passion for the lost and underprivileged. Yet looking at the present, I'm still at where I am -- a sponsor of my Vietnamese child who's now 13 years old, comparing how locals complain about our leaders while the less than fortunate struggle, lamenting that if I am the Queen of the world, there'll be equality and no economy... Yea, I'm a communist at heart. Or maybe I'm now lower than where I used to be -- come December, I would have not served for two years.

At times, I just wonder what great things I can accomplish when my own household is not in order. I feel miserable not being able to take care of material needs when required, and more so, I have not taken good care of myself.

Lament, lament, lament... Yet I am mindful that God will use every season of our lives to teach us something valuable and change our perspectives. I may not have moved on much but I have grown. And there'll always be things that are beyond my control. I can only do what I can.

May I never forget that I cheated death and that I should never undermine my own value. May I never forget that I am blessed. I owe Him a second life, a second chance.

Being thankful and contented is the greatest gift to oneself. Till then, I will keep walking and keep dreaming big for His kingdom.

Something's on vacation... I know I am really exhausted when the following happened.

I tried to squeeze facial gel on my toothbrush.

I don't have time for yoga lessons.

I gave my two-month-old laptop a very expensive bath - Starbucks low-fat latte. Lesson learnt: Do not place any drink near your electronics; or at least a less costly one. I am referring to both the drink and laptop!

You don't know what you cannot do until you try and do it.

When people ask why I quit, why I take certain steps, why do this and that... I just replied, why not?

Quote Benjamin Franklin -- “Blessed are those who seek nothing for they shall never be disappointed.” So here I go on a journey seeking what I would like in my life.

Though I may not have chosen my love at this point, I will love my choice and do my best. If it's meant to be a lesson or experience, whether a success or failure, so be it. If God is in the picture, I have nothing to lose.

I remember Dr Bernard's message on “The Journey”. It is not what I accomplish but who I become in the process.

It's been a tough week, but I'm glad it's over.

I felt being pulled a few ways because the different pressures applied on me - in terms of work, relationships and life choices - the various job offers and committments required, strained relationships at work, highs and lows in friendships, close ones going through tough times... Life is as such, isn't it?

If no faith is required, it won't be fun after all. I shall not give up and continue to count my blessings.

The end of 21 months shall arrive in

less than 30 days.

Celebrate freedom!

What lies ahead is simply steps of faith. I just have to keep walking.

Ty asked what he should paint on the other side of the bag. That's him hiding behind my birthday gift.

Here's another year to mark off... Post your wishes for me here! ;)

So what did I do? It's a stress-free day for me to do what I like - sleep, NOT to work, yoga, have meals with family and friends ;)

My wishlist is almost always the same every year. This year, the only but major difference I want to make is to fulfill them all by the grace of God. I am possible because He is.

Most gifts that I'm blessed with are very practical and I am very thankful for that. And yes, I will attempt to start using everything! Yoga mat, bags, Monstarz aluminum bottle, Nokia 6300, Royal Selangor pendant, two fitness tops & pants, four birthday cards! ;), seven birthday meal treats & counting...

Thank you for seeing me through the good and bad times... and here's to many better years ahead!

I thought I was nuts when I went for 2 sessions of yoga in one go last evening. But it was indeed a good workout especially during the hot session in a room of 37 degrees.

At the end of it, I thought I would wake up the next morning not being able to feel my arms and legs. I mean, it was intensive stretching that I never thought I could do - like rolling backwards to place your feet above your head. But yea, I'm doing fine today!

I'm happy to learn new poses and stretch muscles that I never knew I had ;)

Finally met the object of many people's affection.

Got her first Bible... *beamz*

Awaiting her to call me "Yee Yee" one day...

I actually can't wait!

We are called the “Three lady”. Grammatically wrong I know, but it represents Kim, GG and me. Once we went to order pizza from Ricciotti Italian Cafe and on our takeaway receipt it is written, “Three lady”. Yea.

It's not the label that makes us but how we spent the past five months together. We just get along well and times is almost always filled with ecstatic, cackling laughter; we share moments of woes and cheer one another on. We wouldn't have pulled through those tough times at work without one another. Two lady, thanks for being such a gift to me. Thank God for you.

We just spent an evening chilling out together, filling up tanks sufficient to make up a week's worth to compensate the lack thereof during work. And I miss them already...

Netball.

If not for the 5 Nations Netball Cup, I wouldn't have realised the passion still stirs after 13 dormant years. It was the only sport I played during my teens, in and out of the school team, for four years. Not glamorous but good experience.

Throughout the week, I have tremendously enjoyed the 3 Singapore matches with different ones, including like-minded friends and schoolgirls I met at the stadium. Quite an amazing experience observing the tactics, interaction and flow between our national players and their opponents. Memories relived. The hype, sportsmanship and spirit. It's not only about the ultimate victory, but the journey.

We are the champions again and heading on for World Netball Championships 2007 next.

Let's goal, Singapore!

I have come a long way in terms of being empathetic, patient and longsuffering toward people's words and behavior.

Lately I have reached a stage where I think I had enough and expressed to a friend that I don't think I will be able to withstand the same type of treatment and crap from you-know-who any further.

But she gently reminded me that, "Take this as a new level of patience... It doesn't mean you have given more than enough... It is merely a challenge for you to grow more in this area. And remember, patience leads to success." *takes a deep breath*

How true. And this is also know as iron sharpens iron. Way to go, Jan!

Besides wanting to have some fun with a friend of mine, I must say the gym goodie bag is partly the reason why I said yes to Amore Women’s Day Out 2007 - Body.Mind.Soul. The experience gained turned out to be cooler than the contents.

In spite of the short downpour, it turned out to be a nice experience and a good workout. It's outdoor yoga under a tent at Taka Civic Plaza. Ha. Well, practising yoga at Vivo City facing Sentosa may be even more indulging, so I'm gonna for a trial again later this month. Hehe. My latest indulgence. I'm learning the practical good of deep breathing, stretching and balancing, and reading "Yoga for Dummies" helps. It's all about focus and practice. *winkz*

StretchFit® exercise, the 2nd part of the 90-min activity, is rather enticing as it fuses stretching with motion. Comparatively, it is challenging as it comes with more stretches, movement and balancing act. Fees for such classes are likely to be steep, so I'd look for better options.

In the meantime, keep stretching!

(Pics taken over dinner at Nihonmura and a bus stop). Nice food and shopping.)

Here are the most important people in the world to me and the most important fact is that we are alive and we are together and celebrating one another's lives.

Love how the Adidas tee fit Pa. He looks very fit and young in it! *grinz*

Sometimes, people fail to realise who and what are most precious to them until they have or are about to lose them. "Maybe if DAD is a friend, he would probably get better treatment", I lamented to TY. People shift appointments, make time to buy/make gifts/cards, have meals with friends for birthdays. My parents get little of that. I've been making it up to them for the past few years and being nice to them for the rest of the 360 days next to special occasions. I guess realisation has to start within and not out.

Without a doubt, I have the best father in the world. Only I need to know why and I do. I miss him already. Even after the discourse over whether the fragrance from rose bud tea is genuinely from rose buds or artificial. Yea ;P

World peace. Ya, right. It won't happen until He returns.

I wish for increased wisdom. I wish for this every year.

I wish for more love. From my depressing entry last year, you could tell that I was really upset about what my family did and did not do... Would very much like expressed care and wishes from my family in particular, and for certain friends to remember the occasion. Yet on the other hand, I should be thankful that family and friends are nice to me regardless birthday or not.

I wish for improved health. As the first step, I'd be at the Amore Women’s Day Out 2007 next Sunday practising yoga. And I had to announce that my cholesterol level is official high and if not under control by year-end, I have to be on pills like the elderly. Boo-hoo. That means less fast food, fatty/oily stuff and seafood. I can see wings installed on my favorite foods parting with me...

I wish for more finances as ability to bless others. I just got a new laptop, and with the impending resignation and my desire to further studies, I need monee. So many needs in others' lives and my own. And yes, I need to institute fasts - food, shopping and wilful imagination. The previous shopping fast was 7-month long. Ugh.

The most important thing is this: I am alive and kicking.

It is a logical time for me to take stock. I must record that the year have been eventful and meaningful, and that more changes are about to take place. While the only constant in life is change and it is destructive not to, change is simply not common to people who resist change, like me.

So while I instigate a career change that is absolutely required for myself, it is a surprisingly enjoyable process. There is of course a tinge of discomfort as to which direction I headed for; yet the most important thing is moving on. Whether it eventually comes to pass or not, I assure you that my life has changed over the past months and is going to change nevertheless.

Through the experience gained from the time I have spent in the company of interesting characters I have learned a great deal in every way beyond imagination. Not forgetting the traumatic ordeal last December and the long healing process thereafter that have taught me many lessons on life.

And just to share one of the important lessons: I now am not frustrated as to why I'm often put in a position where I have access to people's lives like a bridge with an empathetic heart, but never to the extent where I can change situations and hearts extensively. I must acknowledge and constantly remind myself of the fact that I am only His tool and will be used when the opportunity arises. The burden is His, not mine. His yoke is light and easy.

Call me late or dull, I take heart that there's always a time and season for everything, and ever awakening moments that struck us. I'm sure God has used this season of my life in particular to teach me what's most important to Him, to people, and to myself. I hope it has the same impact to the people in my life as well.

To those who have invested their lives, time, love and prayers on and in me, I'm thankful for you and thank you. May I never forget YOU.

After 4 good years, my very first laptop has recently shown signs of old age by an overnight malfunction of 7 keys - "l", ")", "6", "0", the quotes and the very important "Fn" and "Esc"! Imagine I had to tediously copy and paste the missing letters, digits, etc from Notepad every day for one whole week! Utterly ugh.

Here and now, I'm writing this entry using my newly acquired laptop, also a Fujitsu known for its reliability. While it would still take some time to get this new machine running independently, I am just so thankful that nothing crashed on me...

C'est la vie!

I am such a regular patron of Starbucks Coffee at Central, I get my standard Grande low-fat Latte today on the house!

On a chilly day like this, it is certainly a very warm gesture from them. *beamz*

If you feel like the world owes you tonnes of bucks, and you feel like you hate your job, and you feel that you deserve so much more, make someone else happy. Meet a need. You will instantaneously reap more than you can imagine and take your focus off your miserable self.

People worship yoga to a certain extent. And it can get rather addictive I believe. I know someone who does it almost everyday.

And so I went for a free trial at True Yoga with 4 other friends/colleagues. It was a first and earning comments that I am rather flexible is kinda cool, notwithstanding the various attempts of the yoga master (I was told he's a world champion) to murder, umm I mean stretch me further by correcting my postures.

The aftermath of intense stretching is still bearable and I am considering going back for more.

Back to work and having fast food for lunch after 2 long months... Found an interesting label on my B K Big Fish!

It reads "Caution - May contain fish bones"! Gee, this could be the last time I'm ordering it..

Been and am on long leave involuntarily...

Besides resting, resting, resting, I learned how to play Disney Monopoly from Raine, CW and LX, watched golf games with my dad, refreshed what I went through in 2004 and 2005 from my old blog, playing Sudoku X and watching lotsa TV programmes - primarily Animal Planet and Channel NewsAsia.

Yea, the workaholic is now deemed dormant and forced to re-think how she should manage her life.

Am I bored? Actually not quite yet. Besides not having a paycheck and not putting my gifts to use, I think I will be rather happy not working. At least until I know what to do with myself.

Just started reading my birthday gift from Tim & Ling... ^^

-- Extract from The Kite Runner, Khaled Hosseini

No I did not just got acquainted with Sudoku; been involved with it for months. Sounds like a love affair and it actually is. It occupies me during my travelling time like the other new companion, my green Apple (iPod Nano) which nourishes my soul and spirit with music and mp3 sermons.

Life is like a box of chocolate. You never know what you gonna get. Life's like that. So is Sudoku.

Sudoku teaches many things about life, lateral thinking, problem-solving. It's all about perspective - the way you see the problems and how you could creatively find ways to solve it. I had a load of Sudoku philosophy which I had now forgotten...

You should try it if you have not.

M A D.

You think you are so capable and smart and call everyone else stupid and incompetent. The same people you said you love with the very words that come out of your uncontrolled gap.

I am striving very hard NOT to be like you.

One day you shall reap all that you have sowed. Guaranteed.

*takes a deep breath*

End of rant. I shall not be angry from this moment and not judge.

I care when you forget to say you remember my birthday.

I care when you don't even choose the simplest and cheapest form of communication to send me your love.

I care when all you say is "There's cake in the fridge hor..." after a day has passed.

I care when you are going to Hong Kong and leaving me behind.

When I say I don't care, I actually do.

Ya, agape love is not like that. It can't be about me all the time. I've counted together with the Lord the many things I have been blessed with. I've recalled the times when you were there for me.

But it hurts.

As I typed "Change what you can change; accept what you can't." on my MSN tagline, I saw Albert's - "When change is necessary, not to change is destructive."

Indeed.

Many things have changed in my life since the year begun... and here's the most recent and significant one.

W180, I knew I had to say goodbye to you soon but I just didn't know that it'll be that soon.

Everyone, from Robin to Leah to every part of the cell, including Xingyao whom I have never met before, has blessed me and helped to change me for the better in one way or another.

Forgive me if I have not given you the love I desire to sow in your lives for the past 21 months. I thank God for you and will miss you dearly.

Looking forward to embrace more changes and breakthroughs in the remaining four months in 2006...

Here's a different entry totally out of flow with what this blog has been... Yea, surprise, I do have a social life and crazy moments.

*ahem* Let me introduce the bunch of crooners I cannot live without... (Please pardon the Witch Project effect on the photos, courtesy of CK's powderful Nokia ;P This is about the best adjustments I can make.) CK aka Junqiang, Ben aka Wenlong, Wil aka Liangxing, Edysen and needless to introduce, Raine. Oh, not forgetting Jane, who was absent due to a flu bug... That was two weeks ago.

These friends of mine never use to know one another until I put everyone together in the same room to sing... *flashes a smug* I must say we loved one another's company 'cos the sessions are always fun-filled and entertaining.

I love you guys & gals!

You said you love me
That's why you died for me
Yet a glimmer of the promise
It flickers

Trying hard to keep up
With a weary heart
Concealing a pain
I can't explain

Sane by day
Verklempt by night
Being real to others
Yet not to me

The struggle remains
As ironic as it can be
Even though you won't let go
I am free falling

I know some of you think I am a fool. I know I deserve a better life, I know being under extreme working pressure and overexerting myself is bad for me. I know that work is only a part of life, and yet it takes up at least 12 hours daily and continues to torment me in my sleep.

I know, I know, I know.

As if I don't know better.

I am about to give up. But I know I can't, because I am not about to waste my sweat and tears, or add burden to anyone.

Life is unfair. Other people can get away with not doing their work while high expectations are set upon me since my first day of work, and for a few weeks, I have to cover the transition of staff turnover. Am I not a newbie myself?

At times, it reminds me of my experience with some in UM. I feel like an umbrella; only to be used when needed - worse, as a shield for darts or when brimstone falls. But I am only human.

Sand asked why am I in such a situation again? What should I be thinking - do I deserve it? Did I bring it upon myself?

I am simply too tired. The news is, folks, the sponge no longer works.

No thanks to those who only ask whether I can offer anything. As if you don't know you are asking from a depleted tank. Funnily you are also thinking to yourselves that Jan has changed.

But I appreciate you who bring smiles to a tired face... you send flowers, encouraging messages via msn/sms/blog to cheer me on... you offer to give me a ride home... you remember my food likings when you buy me meals, ask me if I feel better today, think of ways to help me unwind...

You make this world a better place. I would not have survived till today without you.

If it is a revelation, yes, I would like to go crooning with my ktv khakis, do my retail therapy, go to the movies, meet up with friends, read, swim and sleep with a free mind.

I know. I am sorry. For the longest time, I have not been writing, especially for those of you who cares. Sadly or fortunately, this blog (and sometimes, sms-es) has been the only means to know briefly how I am doing. I know it's weird. But I have really been very swamped and adjusting to a so-called new life.

My previous job scope was mainly web design and IT support; my new role now deviates and expands towards the business domain. It means that there are new skill sets to learn and acquire, with responsibilities and exposure that mature your thinking almost instantly. All's gone up to the next level; including stress. It is very challenging despite a good seven years of working experience; and the small team that we are, it is almost forbidden to go for a holiday or fall ill. The comforting thing is, most days are fun.

When I fell quite ill recently, I do want to hear some encouraging and heartfelt messages, just in case you don't get an opportunity to say them to me ever. To benefit both ways, I am still reachable via all communication channels if you want to. I am not kidding. More often than not, love and appreciation are either not expressed or too late.

TY is finally back from Mumbai after 35 days. I miss having dinner with family and having more time at night to myself. O, I owe myself a trip to Phuket. Most days, I basically come home to bathe, enjoy minutes of various SCV channels and then collapse. Sleeping well and eating regularly have become a luxury. But I think I should find a balance.

So many things have happened, I can't possibly share them all with you but I can only say there's a lot of struggles, heartaches and self-discovery. I can't tell if Jan is still Jan, or that she has changed somewhat. Maybe not as whirlwindy and critical as you knew her to be - because she knows many are just as misunderstood as she is.

You whom I miss are too far and busy for any company and comfort, I do not blame you; I am happy that you are doing what you like.

You, the little ones, are growing rather well. I see you continuing my love and passion that I can no longer can flame. Always be proud of you.

You who believe in me, maybe the dream will be revived someday. Till then, I can only say thank you and sorry.

A friend and her hubby went for a 3-day tour to Bangkok over the crossover year weekend but needed help to nanny their pets - the most lovable Murphy (that's his pix you're looking at), 5 huge rabbits, a mouse and some fish. Little Cheryl volunteered to look after the pets and I did too, but to look after her and keep company.

So off we went for a 3-day stay at a resort-like condominium. Every morning at 6, we will be woken up by Murphy for his breakfast and walk. I quite like the idea of having such a natural alarm clock. Murphy must have his two meals and walks daily. No internet but it is a bliss I suppose. Most of the time we watched lotsa VCDs, played Xbox, mothered around Murphy, munched and rested. How luxuriously carefree the days have been.

My favorite corner of the house is the patio. Love looking out at the sky from there. I sat down to read, ponder and write one evening. Wish I could do it more often. Once I just lie on the couch sky gazing... and I just fell asleep. It was very much like a retreat even though I have not gotten out of the country. Love the peace and quiet.

Being a nanny was easy and Cheryl was real good company. Thanks, dear.

It's been a week. I miss that place.

Mulling over this... from the queen of parables.

I suppose the bottle-breaking ceremony will commence soon. Soon.

I am not a genie in a bottle. I am a tortoise. Maybe one that carries a bottle instead of a shell. And a very foolish one too.

There is no carpet huge enough for me to tuck things under; only a limited vessel to dwell in, to wail in and when more things come my way, I'll either swallow it or carry it.

It can be broken because it is fragile. (But then again, it may be made of sponge instead of glass.) It cannot be broken because it is a part of me. I mean, imagine a tortoise without its shell. L concluded that it'll be too big a mess to handle if it is broken.

He speaks through Isaiah, "A bruised reed He will not break, and smoking flax He will not quench..." If the circumstances have been a test for me, then I have failed. Yet it is His way. He knows the ways that I take. I have to believe that there is a divine reason why things happen.

Walk in the light, you may say. Dig your bottle clean and dump everything at Calvary. Let God and let go. Yes, we are all trying to head that way.

A double life many people lead. Human beings are masters of deception, I believe, for survival reasons. It is sad but true. I have learnt to master either a straight face or vibrant disposition whenever required because I am not allowed not to be strong; so often it has dulled my senses. You know how someone can be rich emotionally but hides behind a cold icy facade?

Taking a step back, it forces me to face myself after the propelling wheel of busyness stopped, after the hidden idols of my life are taken away, after the music faded. Time to summon body, soul and spirit that has been functioning separately back from the wilderness and into one again. But, hi, this is the procrastinator speaking.

"It doesn't make it right but it makes it understandable." - Sy Rogers. There is much to do; self-discovery and re-awakening of faith. This is not to justify anything, but be understood and accountable to those who loves and believes in Jan much more than she does herself.

Though the break is not making me exceptionally happy, it is necessary. Gee, I am so need-driven, perhaps too much for my own good.

It was necessary for me to be strong; so I was. I was peerless - you know I don't mean it in the high and mighty sense. Yea. I knew why I stayed, why I had to be there. If you ask me to choose again, I will do the same. Yet people whom I think are close to me misunderstand my intentions and they hurt the most, don't they? I am better off not receiving any appreciation than this. Maybe keeping too quiet did not help.

Not that I don't already know, yes, I know I am not alone. But if you do not already know, I want and need to have peers. Friends who understand you and can help you.

It may seem that I have left you in lurch, in a time like this when everybody is moving on. But I tell you, I almost thought I would be left behind. Connie Cavanaugh puts it so plainly, "I love the church, but I hate myself."

Nobody is indispensable. I know I must let it go for a while. The ministry is His. He will take care of you. I must face the fact that I am no longer in a position to be an armorbearer. I was caught off-guard, hit, disillusioned. My heart fails. My faith wavers. Believe it or not, it was painful deciding to do it. But it is either now or never.

I know I have been quiet. Too quiet. I started this blog wanting to write what I am experiencing, but I didn't know where to start. Like the blank piece of paper I wish I could be; yet I am not.

Bonnie Jensen from Dayspring writes, "When we take time to record memories, journal our prayers, and write down our thoughts, we truly give ourselves a gift to be opened over and over again...

Yet I fear being open, vulnerable, susceptible to hurts. I don't like it.

The existence of my invisible bottle was discovered by Bea. I store most of whatever that goes through my heart and brain in that limited vessel I hold so unimaginably tight to myself.

Through the sorrows, grief, pressure, expectations, I was on the brink of breaking down but I remained silent (in fact, various times in between the past years). This time, it was concentrated with multiple blows within 2 weeks. So I had to do something. I stripped myself of something. Finally.

I have to say this to some of you... The unreturned sms-es, msn 'hi's, letters and e-mails were un-intentional. Like you, I have no idea how to answer those questions either. And there are just times I just need or want to be alone. Maybe I am just different from you. Eugene reminded me that we are not created or wired this way - to bottle everything up. Yea. I do know I have to kick that bad habit soon.

It has been such a depressing week, I can only garner enough energy to be a coach potato, read and make my way to work and back. Now I am considering part-time or freelance job opportunities that are totally new and perhaps exciting. I was told more sun and changes are good for me.

• Night Safari Tram Guide
• JBP Guest Relations Officer
• Sentosa Tour Host/Guides

Mwaha. You think I'll do it?