Something new

Something is new about the order in which these events occurred.

1st: the words "I'm in love with you" coming out of my mouth.

2nd: our first kiss

I could die tonight. My heart is feeling equal parts pathetic and proud.

This isn't good. And we know it.

You take what you want and I let you.
You misunderstand my motives, I hope I misunderstand yours.
I know you're not good for me but I can't stop myself.
We're both aware of the unhealthy relationship but we don't change a thing.

online dating: a whole new way to feel pathetic

I've been online dating now for a whole week. I hate it.

MRJSeattle says "You know you could get in trouble for looking all sexy like that."
Well thank you MRJSeattle, I now feel threatened. We have 54% in common, which lends me to wonder, why are you even on my page in the first place? Creepy, and yes that's the right word. #laurenblytle

JackSimth says "By any chance do you play chess? Also, what branch of the vine do you tend to associate with? -Robert" 
Well, not only do I not play chess, I have no idea what Robert is talking about. We however, have 99% in common, so I should probably respond? I hate this.

The first day I joined, the site sent me an email letting me know that North Dakota and Saudi Arabia were the best places for me to find love, and that Washington was the 2nd worst state in the US for me to find love. Well great, thanks for that. That was really helpful information.

So far online dating is a constant reminder of how pathetic my dating life has become. So to fight back, I asked a boy out tonight, in real life, not cyber world. Unfortunately, that didn't pan out either. So what did I do? I got online and messaged back the more attractive, less socially inept, and financially successful matches on Ok Cupid. (or at least who looked more attracted, emailed less inappropriately, and said they were financially successful...omg what is happening to me?!)

I joined in the hopes that I would feel more enlivened by my options for dating, that I would see some hope in the dating world. I wasn't sure how serious I'd take it, and I'm still not. Part of me thinks it is only fair to give it a shot. In the cyber world we live in, this could be the way to find someone, who knows!? But I think that it is confusing me more than anything, and I will probably quit before the month is over...we'll see...

Waaah

Whine.

What in the
Hell
Is
Noteworthy
Even?

I have nothing new to say.

Vampires

Apparently I love vampires. My roommate and I just finished the "at home" portion of our week long marathon of the Twilight Saga. It will end with the finale at 10pm tomorrow night! #soexcited

I've also been completely hung up on the TV show Vampire Diaries. The vampire lore is very different in each of these stories so I'm having a hard time keeping it straight. I think I like the Vamp diaries better but you gotta love the cult classic allure of Twilight. Anyway it's basically all about hot guys when you get right down to it.

I love Seattle

Don't know what you're doing in your life? Don't know what your next step is? Wanna try something new? The answer is Seattle. I love my city and my home. I love the people, the city, the views, and yes even the weather. Come to my beautiful emerald city and I'll show you why you want to move here.

I'm so very glad I moved here.

November 2014

Today was the last time I will see my brother until November 2014.

As most sibling relationships, the closeness of our friendships is constantly changing. Yet, considering we all went through high school and its growing pains, phases of rebellion, and taking into account that Pete and I are six years apart, I'd say we're pretty close.

Today I saw him as the man I knew he could grow up to be. It was real as he spoke in church, in front of practically his entire extended family, and all of his mentors and friends, and he testified that the gospel if Jesus Christ had changed his life. It was real as he cried telling of how he prayed to God to know if the Book of Mormon was true. It was real when he spoke about the Atonement of Jesus Christ and testified of how we can change and be better. It is real, the fervent, earnest, honest, beautiful faith he shows committing the next two years of his life to God and serving the people of Colombia. I know that he will do good there and that God knows that my little brother Peter Gallagher is exactly the 19 year old that someone in Colombia needs to meet. So excited for him!

Make the most of it

Things are hard and things are tricky. Family is definitely hard. Whose idea was it to have us live in a group? We have to all get along and spend time with each other. We have to love and take care of each other. We are stuck with them no matter where you move or how old you get or what they've done or how you acted. Whose idea was this? --God's.

And it's wonderful and it's hilarious. It's the best thing in the world. It's hard and somedays it's the worst thing, but is beautiful. I see God's hand in my life when I appreciate the people he's sent to me in my family. This hodge-podge scramble of individuals have many faults and merits, but God knew that if combined in just the right order, in just the right proportions, shaken up just like this--perfection could be achieved. So make the most of it. Family is the adventure of eternity.

just you and me

hey you. yeah, you. Let's go. Where? Somewhere sexy and fun. Somewhere fancy and fun. Let's get play hide and seek in the Louvre, eat way too much chocolate, play on the beach, sleep in late together in a cozy hotel and stay up late talking to strangers in a bar. Let's explore a new city, or maybe somewhere we've both been before, but now it's different because we are there together. Let's be glamorous and act like we're famous, dressing up for the airport and traveling first class. Let's make out in public, cause in Europe that's not as gross. Let's be rich, and shop at all the fancy stores, or at least look. Let's fall into all the tourist traps because that's just part of the experience. Let's speak bad Italian and look super American. Let's try out our French with each other, but be too shy to use it in public. Let's go on an adventure just you and me. It could be really great. I'd let you pick all the restaurants, and I'll do all the packing. I promise to not whine, and you'll promise to carry my heavy suitcases, cause you know I won't pack light. Let's do all the things we want, because we will have run away and won't have to go back anytime soon. Let's kiss in every landmark, and hold hands everywhere. Let's have strangers take our pictures with all the statues and post everything on facebook. Let's make slides out of all of our pictures and when we finally get home show them for hours to our friends...make 'em real jealous. Let's run away baby.

Just you and me.
#maybeifiwritethisbeforeigotobedi'lldreamaboutit

fitting.

driving in the pouring rain, belting it out to sad sad songs.

i love sad music. almost exclusively. I don't even like peppy hymns at church. i enjoy a good cry almost as much as a good laugh. When i'm alone i indulge in sad thoughts. Do i do it to express them so they don't come out when with others? Is it self preservation? that seems slightly more healthy, yet it's still a little twisted. Today i brought myself to tears, real ones, just imagining a tragic and beautiful story. the other day i listened to sad music until i cried.

i've been impressed with my ability to cope with recent events. perhaps this is how i'm doing it. i have a compulsion to feel intense emotions. I feel sadness and tragedy most intensely, so perhaps this is how i'm getting my fill. in the absence of happy thoughts, i pluck at my own heartstrings to feel something, anything.

i've said it here before: world, i just want to experience you. i just want to feel all of it. i want to love all of you. i want to partake of all of you have to offer. i want to touch, feel, share and give all of it. i want to be afraid, excited, fierce, and bold. i want to sacrifice to know how it feels to give up everything. i want to struggle. i want to die trying. Above all of this, i want to love. i want to love someone with more than i even have to give them. I want to run out of things to give them and show them and feel for them. i want to bleed my heart dry with love.

"now this is how it works, you peer inside your self
you take the things you like, try to love the things you took
and then you take that love you made, and and stick it into some--
someone else's heart, pumping someone else's blood,
and walking arm in arm, you hope it don't get harmed
but even if it does, you'll just do it all again."

I have a job.

I am a real person now. I have a job. I live with an age-appropriate amount of people. I make dentist appointments.

My job is pretty rad. While I may fake a gasp of excitement before 45% of the things I say (e.g., gasp "you did it!"), my job comes with many perks. After a totally awful day I cheered my self up by going to work an seeing the amazing kids I work with. They are adorable, playful, funny, smart and they love me, which makes me feel real great. I am constantly blessed with adorable stories and quotes from the funniest ones and get to be tickled, hugged, cuddled and high-fived daily. Yep. I've just one-upped your job.

Somedays aren't the best days

In an effort to not make this blog a complete downer all the time I will say:

Even though somedays suck ass. Like big time. Everything is horrible that day and you never get a hold of the people you need and you do self destructive things like eat at Taco Bell and watch ten hours of horrible television and blow off every responsibility you have spend too much money and much much more. Even though days like this and worse exist, Tomorrow usually isn't as awful.

I want you to want me.

It's unoriginal and it's petty and its downright boring.

Faced with these questions.
Is it worth feeling like crap with you to not be alone? How much longer can I enjoy the one out of ten good days I get with you before you realize you don't actually care about me? Is it anyone's fault? How much am I worth? As much as I think I am? As much as you think I am? As much as I can believe God thinks I am?

Crying for joy!?

Ok besides my beloved Ronny dying this week, August has been a wonderful month.

I find myself completely overwhelmed by the immensity of blessings, love, support, good fortune, and opportunities in my life.

I finished my graduate program and got a job, moved into the best place I've ever lived, made great new relationships of several sorts and had time to enjoy the people I love.

My dear Hannah is getting married this weekend. I'm so unbelievably happy for her. She is so beautiful and wonderful and amazing My dear Devon is also getting married this weekend and I'm so happy he found someone to love. He deserves someone who can take care of him and that he can take care of.

The best part is, that they are marrying each other. Hannah was the first person I met in Seattle. Devon was my first friend in the ward outside of my roommates. Seattle is my home and the first time it felt like home, was with these two wonderful people.

So heres to joy! May everyone be as blessed as me!

wall builder's sadness

Mauerbauertraurigkeit

n. the inexplicable urge to push people away, even close friends who you really like—as if all your social tastebuds suddenly went numb, leaving you unable to distinguish cheap politeness from the taste of genuine affection, unable to recognize its rich and ambiguous flavors, its long and delicate maturation, or the simple fact that each tasting is double-blind.
(The last bit of this definition—that each relationship is a double blind tasting—refers to the fact that you don't know exactly what sort of emotion you're giving to someone else, and they can't tell where it's coming from. Our thoughts and intentions are ultimately obscured behind a brown paper bag, we're each trapped in our bodies.) 
 
I'm feeling a lot of mauerbauertraurigkeit recently. And a lot of something else that I can't find in the Dictionary of Obscure Sorrows. The weight and blows from love lost, disappointment and subsequent self doubt have left my heart torn up and callous to kind words and easy smiles. Like most people I have trust issues. I don't trust people's word.  I have to see it to believe it. If they love me they will act like it. But some part of me (my head? my heart? my pancreas?) wants to trust. The disconnect between that unidentified organ and my heart  causes me to then cry.  I cry because I know that when it comes down to it, I will be the one standing with my arms out ready to catch you, but you will never come, and then I'll realize I'm actually the one falling, and there will be no one below to catch me.

Unoriginal

It doesn't matter how many times I fall on my face or even get shoved down. I will keep trying to find happiness. I am happy in many ways but as most girls all over the world I miss arms around me while I fall asleep and ache for little babies and daydream about having someone to make dinner for or rush home to see.

In other news. I have unicorns on my shoes.

when you wish upon a star

theres that moment where you discover something that is magical and perfect and lovely, and you didn't think you'd find something so fitting and great. but theres also a part of you that is realistic and maybe a little negative that tells you that you're never gonna have this ideal thing or situation.

and then it happens. and you get it, and its perfect. and its hard to believe but, its real.

its real.

iwantthisinmylovelifeandcareerandfamilyandallmydreamstocometrue

comfort in the banal

you come back into the room, and we smile at each other. its simple and normal and casual and comfortable. in my mind the world pauses and i over analyze this simple moment. This is a moment where a nonchalant kiss might occur and it almost seems missing. my mind unfreezes the scene, reality hits, and i realize i can't have a nonchalant kiss with someone i haven't kissed yet... but i recognize this as the moment in my life where i see the potential someone has to fit into my every day life. we flow naturally, and almost banally when we're together. I'm never nervous, my heart doesn't even race.

i realize later, that i haven't nonchalant kissed someone in ages. While i usually yearn for the excitement of a hasty, slightly irresponsible night with someone, i'm now wanting the banal, everyday evidence of affection. Have I become a mature adult? Weird, i didn't see that coming.

chatting online with boys

this is something that i've always done. call me a 14 year old girl, but I still chat with boys, online, a lot.

Some are just friends, some are just for kissing, some are just for talking. But i rarely talk with girls, unless they're my best friends, or i'm sitting in class with them and we cant talk out loud.

i dont know if i have any big epiphanies about this behavior, i'm just making an observation.

note:

if you use humor, wit, and big educated words, and smile at me. I'm going to want to kiss you.

Finally defined.

Zielschmerz

n. the exhilarating dread of finally pursuing a lifelong dream, which requires you to put your true abilities out there to be tested on the open savannah, no longer protected inside the terrarium of hopes and delusions that you created in kindergarten and kept sealed as long as you could, only to break in case of emergency.

I'm feeling a lot of zielschmerz as I begin the last quarter of classes and the beginning of my career is ever nearer.

*http://www.dictionaryofobscuresorrows.com/

math is hard

you may know this about me, but i'm awful at math. I am not reliable for the simplest mental math, i always just take out my phone's calculator for tip calculation, don't even try to ask me multiplication or division, and my kids are definitely on their own for math homework after the 5th grade. This being said, even I was surprised that i got this one wrong.

 1+ 1= 2

1 (good conversation) + 1 (physical chemistry) = 2 (mutual interest in spending time together)

Sorry, you're totally off. Better luck next time.  

                    - Love the universe

sometimes i wish you would just read my mind.

hunger games.  I read the first two books in a week, and will probably get a hold of the third one and read it before school starts on tuesday. I saw the movie today and i loved it. Non-stop action and intensity. I was going a little nuts.

Definitely team Peeta. Just see the movie and you'll see. He's totes adorbs.

While i think these books are totally awesome, and portray a woman character to look up to (mostly unlike the Twilight series).  But it still gives incredibly unrealistic expectations about men. Katniss has to choose between Peeta and Gale. Serious? I'm supposed to feel bad for her? wow. her life is hard.

one day i'll go back

   

My memories of Paris are somewhat mixed. I know I had a glorious time, and I learned a lot about myself, but it's a bit tainted. When I go back it won't be about school, missing people, culture shock, or even learning french. It will only be about me and Paris. I'll eat anything I want, talk to as many french people as I can, get lost in the scary neighborhoods, spend as much money as I can, and hopefully fall in love again with this magical city.

my face is peeling off

evidence of a nice weekend is blatantly "written" on my face.
insecurities make wonderful feelings turn into just I-wonder feelings. unsure feelings.
things that seemed clear 24 hours before, i am now positive mean something completely opposite, and vice versa?

i am a crazy girl. don't worry i'm painfully aware.

WHAM!

sometimes it just hits me. the truth of my life, the realities of the world.

and sometimes, that kinda blows.

goosebumps

listening to wonderful music, contemplating my blessed life, and looking at pictures of beautiful things. (with a belly full of delicious homecooked food)

spring break is fantastic right now. i have goosebumps thinking about it.

There's a Pi in that Pie

Chicken Pot Pi

Finally used up that huge peanut butter jar.

I do it every time.

No, this is how it works
You peer inside yourself
You take the things you like
And try to love the things you took

And then you take that love you made
And stick it into some
Someone else's heart
Pumping someone else's blood

And walking arm in arm
You hope it don't get harmed
But even if it does
You'll just do it all again

--Regina Spektor "On the Radio"

i thought i'd lost one of my hedgehog socks

I will be really sad when those socks finally go the way of the world. 

Anxiety always overtakes my brain, and makes me run away. It could be why i'm a procrastinator, which is counter intuitive since procrastinating can add so much more anxiety and stress. Human nature is so backward sometimes.

The best thing to cool me off is always people loving me, singing really loud to my fave, maybe crying a little (but not too much), and of course diet coke.

I'm noticing how co-dependent I am when i get like this. I kinda hate it.

this statement is constantly being proved correct

this statement is constantly being proved correct: when it rains it pours.  My life was getting a little ho-hum. SLAM! not any more. in good ways and not so good ways, in God's ways, in my ways, in every way my life is crazy this week. Oh dear oh dear, what have i done to myself this quarter. Here's to making it out alive--see you in a week when all of it will be over.

I'm not sad

I'm not sad. I just stayed in bed all day only taking a break to shower.

I'm not sad. I just ate comfort food alone and felt a little guilty.

I'm not sad. I just want to listen to music that makes me cry while belting it alone on my car until my voice breaks.

I'm not sad. I just went on an aimless drive and ended up looking out at the ocean from my car.

I'm not sad. I just get in these moods too often and allow myself to get carried away.

just closer

there are so many people i want to be closer friends with. just closer.

in some ways i wish i could be everyone's best friend. not in the way that "i'm everyone's best friend so i'm so awesome," or even the "i'm everyone's best friend so i'm important and needed" way, but in the "i'm everyone's best friend. So, when you see me you light up, and i can cheer you up and that every interaction we have is fantastic and meaningful and nothing is wasted" way.

So often i see someone i really like, maybe we're at a party or passing in the hall, and i want to have a moment that is more than "oh hi!" [ big hug ] "how are you?!!"  and is more like "how are you baby?" and actually getting an honest "kinda crappy" or a facial expression that (because we are besties) i can read as "we'll talk later, i have so much to tell you".  I want that with so many people. i've said it recently, i just want to feel so much, i want to feel for everyone i meet. I want to connect on a deeper level. i'm seeking that in the world, but i'm not always finding it in the right ways. i treasure the intimate conversations i have, and savor the moments of honesty with new friends. i yearn for more closeness, more cuddle times, more comfort in quiet together, more smiling and basking in the gloriousness that is friendship.

basically if i've met you, here's an invitation to be my best friend.**

**"best friends"--i love you dearly and uniquely

fact:

Baby Aardvarks are not cute.

pinterest

I really hope you don't feel like this

i was thinking about how there are never cute pictures on my blog. never something neat to click on, nothing to watch, and i'm sorry. i found this blog and thought, "how beautiful! why isn't my blog more picture-y?!" then i remembered that i have a pinterest. That is where i post all the pretty things. So i will try to spread the beauty to my little blog too.

isn't he the sweetest?

one day i'll get a hat like this, and actually wear it.

my plan

my plan will always be: look friggen fantastic, smell great, and say interesting things. That way you kick yourself in the balls every time you see me because you could have had all of this.  yeah you're a dipshit.

i can't say it like i feel it.

i finally cried. i shouldn't care as much as i do so i consider screaming into my pillow to distract my brain. you don't want all of me. my body cringes involuntarily and spontaneous tears end as quickly as they came. i've ruined it for myself. i've ruined how people think about me. i wonder how and if they trust me. i only sort of care that people view me a certain way. its another mechanism for tearing myself down, having a rep for misdeeds and immaturity. don't worry, i know how bad all of this looks and sounds. i wonder how many people i've separated myself from. but please don't leave me world! i only do any of it to feel more, feel more of everything and everyone. i discover i'm so numb i would almost consider running too fast into something just to have some sort of sensory and emotional experience.

let's give em something to talk about.

It goes without saying that I do what I want. I generally eat what I want, say what I want, go where I want, and sometimes that makes me mean, blunt and scary. I know this and I'm sorry world.

I do care, and I'm not out to hate on people, make them feel bad, or whatever. I actually am a really good friend, girlfriend, buddy, confidant, shopping partner, and pal. You just may not have noticed because I confuse you, or you don't understand my humor, or that one time i said something to you I was a little too honest, or you heard that one story about that one thing that one time that wasn't even bad.

I plead with you, get over whatever it was, i'll try to be nicer, and we can all be besties.

man up world.

sometimes i really do just kinda "hate" the opposite sex.  I try to have faith that there are nice guys out there. But really every experience, either my own or others', seems to let me down.

seriously. If I ever met Ryan Gosling he probably wouldn't build me a house.

if you do it, i'll do it

Sitting at a hot chocolate cafe with my best friend and playing on my computer instead of doing homework.

She posted a pic like this of herself today on her blog. So I thought, if you do it, I'll do it.

I've been thinking a lot about what I'm willing to do. What I'm willing to do for me, what I'm willing to do for my job, what I'm willing to do for love, for my friends, for my family, for my God.

Sometimes all it takes for me is an example, someone to do something with me. I'm not very good at self motivation, but the buddy system seems to have been created for me. It's probably a bad sign of my insecurities and inability to stand out, be original, or go solo, but in some ways its nice. I like having a buddy, a partner, a co-person. I know it sounds bad, but I'm just not that independent. It's a weakness to be sure, but I enjoy my co-people. My best friends, my classmates, kissingmates, roommates, ward family, urban family, and real family are my comfort and my life, and I thank all of you.

snow day 2012

Last night, UW cancelled school for snow.  It wasn't even snowing outside. Turns out, it was a good call cause I woke up to this.

 

Then I made this: 

Yesterday I had a day off too, but it wasn't nearly as fun, cause no one else had a day off. Snow days are only fun when you have people to spend them with.

Partially related, sometimes I make really dumb decisions and act like a total girl.

hannah+janna=jahanah

i love my hannah baby.

i'd die without her.  

somehow, amongst all the fun social times i've had this weekend, i'm left feeling rather lonely and forgotten.

H-bottoms, thanks for being my friend.

boring.

all i want is to make babies and raise them and have a wonderful little family.