i admit it- i am asking a lot.

Someone will say this to me one day.

"I will kill the spiders. I will share my fries with you when you’ve finished all yours and are still hungry. I won’t ever pop my collar. I will never be rude to your tummy- when I hear it growl and gurgle, I promise to bend down and reply respectfully. I will eat the mushrooms when we order the supreme pizza. I will kiss the papercuts. and the door-slammed finger. and the counter-bumped hip. I’ll try my hardest not to get annoyed when you whisper questions and comments during movies. I will be the big spoon. I will let you win at wrestling. sometimes. other times I will not. I will pull when you want. and tease you when you don’t. I will send you random texts and leave you silly gifts. not always. not on schedule. just whenever I want to. whenever I think you need one. or seven. I will check your tire pressure. and remind you to take your car in. I will hold your hand. I will love you. I will love you. I will love you."

letter to the other half

dearest men,

if you have a crush on me, please act on it. Even if i don't have a crush on you, it'll make my day and I need more days to be made. If you don't have a crush on me, what the hell is wrong with you?

thanks

me

i am so so lucky

there have been a lot of nights recently that i've wanted to blog. now there are too many things.

a pie i made

thanksgiving was wonderful. this weekend has been wonderful. our house is a little more like a home everyday. making our own thanksgiving dinner, decorating for christmas, going holiday shopping and matinees.

if i was home i would be doing all those things. i'm glad i can do them here, away from my family and have them still signal to me the holiday season. i'm glad i don't need my family to feel home, because that would be sad. i want to be able to feel at home in my own home. so mission accomplished.

i am missing my family though and i cannot wait to see them in 3 weeks! we will play games and make puzzles. i'll show off my baking skills again (just you guys wait for my gingersnaps. you though the rolo cookies were good.)  it will be so nice to be home. i can't wait. we are so so lucky.

my dad calls me a lot on his way home from work

its late. i have procrastinated worse than ever. two article summaries, a midterm to begin studying for (hours before the actual test takes place), papers and reports looming..blah blah, just the usual.--and of course i'm drafting a long, deep blog post.

yet, i'm enjoying immensely the feeling in my home and heart tonight. Earlier all the roommates were in the kitchen sharing the largest piece of chocolate cake I've ever seen. Hannah got home early, i did my laundry and put warm clean sheets on my bed. I'm wearing slipper socks, leggings and that BYU sweatshirt that used to be my dad's but now is a lot like a dress.  It's pretty quiet in the house except for the sound of me typing, and the muffled noises of Grey's Anatomy coming from Hannah's bed (yes, i got her hooked).

Amidst the busyness of today, i made time to attend institute class. Just before institute i had realized that I forwent my prayers last night. i didn't feel like i needed anything that desperately (thats not even true), and then rolled over and fell asleep. At institute, we had a discussion about prayer and why we often pray insincerely, or incompletely (sounds like i needed this lesson!) i think i do it because i'm human. Human in the way that i will inevitably make mistakes, but also human in the way that God is so much greater than I am, and that sense of insecurity or inadequacy makes me give up. I do that, i get so overwhelmed i freeze and give up.  The teacher in class responded, well how do you get over that?

I am not nothing, I am lucky. I am not unimportant. I am that detail, that tiny intricacy, in the design of life in the whole universe that God loves! He's like my dad, calling me on his way home from work. We don't have to say a lot necessarily, he just wants to hear my voice, check in. How was your day? What was crappy? What was awesome? He wants to know what's important to me. I usually never ask my dad for anything. Its not that kind of conversation.

are you in my life?

please excuse this totally random and ridiculously long blog post.

ronny is my fish. i'm constantly afraid he will die. my first fish (lola) died about 5 days after i purchased him. ronny's lasted longer, thankfully. he's actually survived his wall mounted fishbowl exploding in the middle of the night (it woke me up. one day i will tell you the story and we could maybe snuggle and take turns telling stupid stories that no one else cares about). i check on ronny at least 5 times a day. at night, like a good little boy (fish) he lays down and sleeps (or at least becomes less active) and my heart has a few more flutters than usual because i mistake him for dead more often. i wonder if tonight, i should take his lead and go to bed. what on earth am i doing up, not in pjs yet, teeth not brushed yet, but chatting online with 3 boys from my past this late at night? sincerely never been more shocked than i was with each of the conversations.

slightly related, but i wont go through the stream of consciousness that brings me to this thought but... have you ever talked to a married (or not single) friend and either asked for dating advice or been given some unsolicited? Well, i was thinking about how i (and maybe some other people) might mistakenly think of that person as some sort of expert on how to find someone to love. Stop janna. that's ridiculous. take their advice, but don't put it above anyone else's. let's face it, even if your friend has dated many people before they got married, they've only accomplished that end goal once. They know exactly what it took to get that person they're with, just that person. their advice, or telling you what worked for them, is not going to necessarily help you, because unless you're trying to date their husband/boyfriend, its not generally useful information. silly rabbit, you're on your own.

found a good quote today from mark twain (ok ok, i saw it on pinterest)

i need to do what i want, in every area of my life, way way more often.

the end.

mmmmhhhaaaaaaahah

life is silly. i'm constantly feeling the same thing. why? can't i just get over certain things? needs?

i just want a partner. someone who will go play with me after i've wasted my day lying around. whatever. i'm not writing this blog post again.

this guy is funny. you can download this stuff. and its fun and funny.

one day.

somedays i just want my house to be mine.
don't get me wrong i love my roommates. i love the feeling of a full house, i love having someone to vent to, someone to check my outfit before a date or party, someone to steal clothes from, to share groceries with occasionally, someone to help with the chores...there's one that doesn't happen all that often though, and although i don't necessarily mind cleaning, its when I'm doing some cleaning i shouldn't have to do, when i realize i really wouldn't be angry if it was my own house. its when I'm putting away dishes and i cant get them to fit because we have so many gosh darn plates that i wish it was only my things in the cupboard.

one day. one day, I'll have a smaller place. who says that? me. I'm the biggest whiner.

stolen. my fave. so true.

Why are you so far from me?
In my arms is where you ought to be
How long will you make me wait?
I don't know how much more I can take
I missed you
But I haven't met you
Oh but I want to
How I do

Slowly counting down the days
Till I finally know your name
Ooo the way your hand feels round my waist
The way you laugh
The way your kisses taste
I missed you
But I haven't met you
Oh but I want to
How I do, How I do

I've missed you
But I haven't met you
Oh I missed you
I haven't met you
Oh but I want to
Oh how I want to

Dear whoever you might be
I'm still waiting patiently.

i'm trying to be more picture-y

If you read my blog you know that I don't normally post that many pictures. But I've actually been taking more pictures so, I thought I'd give it a try.  Though I hate how the spacing works with them on this thing..erg.

 So I went to a murder mystery party. More info here.

Then I went glow-bowling with some awesome girlfriends.

 And I've been hanging out with my amazing roommates (lovely Kaitlin not pictured here).

 

So there, I posted pictures of my life, done. check.

i play this fantasy many times over in my head many times in my life

it's late. i'm alone.
it's been a nice, but somewhat boring night.
i'm thinking my day is done, but really i'm aching for some more adventure.
my phone beeps. someone fun is texting me.
they're waiting outside, ready to go do something stupid.
including but not limited to the following:
getting french fries, driving to get slurpies, and...
blaring Hands Down by Dashboard while scream-singing with the windows down.
we'd go to the beach.
we'd stay up really late.
we'd peal out at the stoplights, pretending we're racing.
we'd do really dumb stupid things, but it'd be us, and it'd be fun.
we'd take a million pictures of ourselves, just holding out the camera, none of which would turn out.

but really. its midnight on a friday night and i'm blogging before i go to bed.

I'm a Mormon.

I belong the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints, or the "Mormon Church" as it is commonly called.  Recently, especially around the Seattle area, a media campaign has begun to try to clear up any misconceptions about the church.  We are misunderstood, as are most modern religions, and it's been exciting to see bus ads, billboards, commercials and internet ads with links to mormon.org.

Members of the church were invited to make member profiles describing their personal faith and beliefs and a little about themselves. These are searchable on the website to introduce internet surfers to "everyday Mormons." I made one of these profiles over a month ago and submitted it.  The profile then went into review.  Since many people will eventually have access to this page that are not familiar with my religion, the church reviews the profiles to make sure people aren't accidentally posting things that conflict with our actual beliefs. Funny thing was, mine was in review for so long I thought I had posted something super blasphemous. But alas, it was finally posted. Click here to see my profile!

just take a look at yourself.

I have fallen into that pit, that pit that all girls fall into, and if you are a girl and you haven't, then you're not a human, you're superhuman and I want to be just like you.

You say you're awesome like you're dismissing people's worries about you, but do you believe it?
You exaggerate your "messy life".
You eat what ever you want, but instead of enjoying it you feel guilty.
You don't stay fit, not because you can't, but because you don't care about yourself enough.
You tell yourself, you'll try harder to be social when you lose X amount of weight.
You procrastinate important things because you don't think you can do them right.
You gauge a good day from a bad day based on what you felt you looked like.
You ____(fill in the blank with your own unhealthy behavior)______.

Ok, now think of your best friend.
Think of how wonderful you think they are.
Think about that scarf, dress, hair-do they can pull off that you never could.
Think about their beautiful face.
Think about how amazing they are at cooking, school work, time managment, loving people, etc.
Think of their passion and how you adore every single moment you're with them.

Now think about yourself.
Do you think all those wonderful things about yourself?
Please do. because your best friend does, and thus it must be true.

Ladies, gentlemen, we are a prized group. Love yourself a little more today. Or I'll come yell compliments at you until we both cry.

distractions

its like i'm on the edge of my seat waiting for something to happen to me. Like the top of a hill on a rollercoaster...but then it stops. I dont know if its something i've done, or if it's how it is supposed to go. should i get out and fix it? should i push myself over the edge, take control of the situation? I call feebly for help, but my heart's not in it.

so uncertain, i wait and distract myself from the problem. humming a song or texting until someone "in charge" comes to fix it.

i wait.

one day i'll notice that no one is coming and i need to figure this damn world out on my own.

and on the third day, she created a blog post

I recently, and very awkwardly, shared my creative side with some people at church. It made me feel very uncomfortable to share for some reason. It's not that I was sharing this with strangers (I know and love the members of my ward). It's not that I'm not proud of what I do creatively (my roommates will tell you how annoyingly I show off every stitch I make). I don't know how to explain why it felt so unnatural.

It got me thinking though, in preparing what I might say, about how and why I started to craft. It is a recent thing you know. Remember this post? I have been searching for my crafty niche for some time, and I feel like I have finally reached a place where the handmade gifts I make actually look like gifts.

But that's not my point. I can pinpoint the real reason that I've searched out my creative outlet. It was in this wonderful talk given in Relief Society Conference in October of 2008.  It was a great talk and it reminded me that being creative is part of our eternal potential. We, like our Father in Heaven, are meant to be creators. It is important to create in order to develop our talents and abilities. I loved that talk and its message has stayed with me all of these years. (Click on links if you wanna read it! or about it)

I made this.

I think no matter what you believe, creating is such a wonderful outlet for your emotions, for your thoughts, for your soul. It doesn't have to be crafty. In that talk it mentions creating laughter, friendships, beautiful homes. It could be writing in a journal, taking photos, cooking, baking, it could even be cleaning. Weird I know, but sometimes in those quiet moments when I am scrubbing the bathroom floor by myself I have so much time alone with my thoughts that it's really good for me. To focus on making my house nice and clean, to create order out of chaos gives me a real sense of purpose, even if it is just some dirty old bathroom.

So my lovely 22 followers, I say to you CREATE! Do something new, or relish in what you already do. Take your humanity into your own hands and create something for the world. Even if you're the only one who will know.

bean cap

Its 11 pm and I should be sleepy and ready to climb into my large and empty bed. Instead I'm in bed, but wishing I was making cookies and singing really loud to Joni Mitchell or Regina, something I can really belt. I wish I was snuggled against someone. Someone who I could wake up extra early for to make breakfast in bed for two.

Its 11 pm on a Friday and I am looking forward to the day that "date night" will actually include a date. I want someone I can shower with gifts and stupid text messages. I want someone to cry with when I'm too tired to think. I want someone to laugh with when its the only thing I can do to keep from crying. Someone to laugh out loud with when watching something funny (I always feel strange laughing out loud alone).  Someone who'll try all my stupid recipes and put up with me neglecting the laundry a whole week more. Someone who will tell me when I have something in my teeth.

Thats all I want, someone to tell me when I have something stuck in my teeth. Its not really romantic is it? I'm not a pathetic woman blogging at 11 pm on a Friday night in bed, alone, forgoing washing her face because she's not in the mood. I'm a pragmatical human who needs a partner to tell her when a chipotle bean has been in her teeth since lunch. That's all.

new hairs

 

getting hairs done is so fun. i love it.

baby baby baby i want to kiss the world

i want to solve all your problems.
i want to be your baby.
i want to take you home with me.
i want to play your favorite song and make you laugh.
i want to be your shoulder angel to whisper in your ear.

let me play games with you all day.
let me cuddle and paint your toes.
let me hold you when you're sad or when you're feeling alone.
let me kick your bully's ass.
let me kiss you goodnight.

why can't we all live in the same castle?
why can't we make a fort?
why can't we hang out every day?
why can't we run away to paris?
why can't we be together?

i need what i can't have.
i need what i want.

i've never been good at mazes

I can't say that I do enough meditating in or about my life. But today I had a teeny tiny "a-ha" moment while contemplating this design.

 

I have been taught that God has a plan for me. A specific, personalized plan.  I also know that I do not know what that plan may entail, at least not always at every moment. As I looked at this design and watched people walking on a larger version of it, following the maze along, it got me thinking.

I looked at the center and imagined it a goal. My degree, a healthy relationship, or even my final goal of returning to live with my Heavenly Father. At the start of the path I can easily see my goal, the path makes sense.  It's a straight shot, it's close, right ahead.  Then the path (life) takes a turn.  God turns my path another way.  I've moved, been let down by a friend or family member, or an emotional trial, etc.  These turns make it harder to see my goal.  I don't know why God is turning me this way, turning me away from the center. Why would he take me further away, when I was so close? I cannot see that if I stay on his path, if I just have faith, I will get there. It requires an eternal perspective, a birds-eye view of the maze to know that the path I'm on will get me to where I want to go.  God knows, he created that maze just for me. It's my personalized plan. 

It was also a reminder of how complicated life can look. The twists and turns I can feel in my life, changes and challenges, make it seem to me that something must be out of whack. I think to myself "I'm doing something wrong, God's not listening to me, does he know what I want out of life!?" But when I remember how simple Christ's instructions were, I know everything will turn out alright. "Follow me" He says. That is all I have to do, even if i seem like I'm walking in circles, even getting further and further away, He knows this is the way I need to go.  I will learn things along the way. The time it will take me to get there is the exact incubation time for my spirit to learn all that is necessary for me. 

This and other amazing things I heard from church leaders and prophets today, keep me wondering what on earth I am thinking when I make mistakes and leave the path.  I will take advice from my beloved Elder Uchtdorf and remember that I am not perfect, I will be patient with myself and I will remember to be happy now.

the usual.

I've forgotten about you.

I missed you. I promise to post more.


Life is amazing. i find comfort in it.

whatever.

my sexy is being wasted.

i hate feeling so fine when there's no one to adore me.

home.

being home is strange. interesting. wonderful. stressful. relaxing. awful. amazing.

being home isn't much like being home. in total i've only lived here one year, not even consecutively. I have close to no ties in the community, church or otherwise.

being home is confusing. i don't know if i should lay back and enjoy my time off, or if i should do my best to make the biggest impact where i can. helping out, both around the house and in my family's lives. its a dichotomy that i'm not sure how to deal with yet.

being home is what i long for. its seattle right now, home. and i miss it.

self doubt.

Finding beauty in my clean room, so tidy and neat. Everything put in its right place, so unlike the rest of my life. even the light falls differently it seems.

Falling in love with music, losing myself in its beauty. letting it surround me when i find so little beauty within myself some moments. just moments. usually i think i'm pretty, at least on the outside.

is it guilt? no not yet. i'm not ready to give up the things i want, what the natural me wants. i'm not ready though i know i should be willing. i know this not in my heart but in my mind, from what past experience has taught me. those lessons aren't strong enough though, not right now.

i procrastinate everything. i love to. why? it never brings satisfaction. except the things you can do during the procrastination, those are so so fun. so for now i'll have fun, hopefully lots and lots.

ugh. in love.

throw some glitter make it rain

my heart is full of nonsense and wisdom equally. i don't know who or what i am somedays. I just want cry and laugh and love and hate and scream and sing so hard and so soft and whisper and scribble and paint and throw things violently and bite my nails and wear everything and nothing. how is it we are allowed to feel so much? I want to feel the most. bawling at the humanity i see in my life and in those lives closest to me. laughing at myself in the mirror alone in my room.

love is hard to do. only one person has gotten it right in their life. i haven't a clue. i try to learn from those around me, but how can i relate what i see to my life when everyone approaches it so differently? its not even possible.

life is also hard. life is so wonderful. the sun was out today.

i'm really vain

i appologize. i love to talk about myself and my problems and me me me way too much.

i am aware. if you've ever wondered if i'm aware of how annoying I am, believe me I am. probably not as aware as you are of me being annoying, but i do have a knowledge of it.

one vain thing i want to do one day. be a model..have a real photo shoot where someone takes my picture and dresses me up and does my hair and makeup so i look just awesome. i'd really like that.

maybe my wedding can count for that.

hopefully i get to do that some day.

cryptic

while complaining about having too much fun, hannah proposes putting frozen peas on it.

i have no idea how that happened. it is so dark.

oh so you've already heard that story. laughed out loud twice.

my life is pretty funny.

i'm so afraid of ronny dying.

honestly what is wrong with me. i'm a different person. what is scary? I like this person more in some ways.

help me, help you.

i'm hungry/starving at 11:30 again

this is a dilemma.

another problem: it's 11:30 and i've spent the last 5 hours doing nothing but watching harry potter, painting nails, cleaning the kitchen, eating food, playing around on the interwebs and what? studying for like 20 minutes? Test tomorrow y'all. great.

why am i an idiot?

I'm starting to believe what Phil said.

this week is kidding right?

oh come on.

weeks like this make me want to do this. but then everyone would think i was in-friggen-sane...

and my secret would be out.

Qui suis-je?

I recently discovered that I have always wanted to be in a band. I haven't ever recognized this dream aloud or even consciously before a few weeks ago, but I'm 24 and my chances to be in a band are dwindling. I want it.

While chatting today about this, someone asked me what kind of music I like and what kind of band I would be in.

On the way home i summed it up to this. Its some amalgamation between: Motown, Ke$ha, and iron and wine/bon iver/ ish things.

Well that's quite a combo. I wonder what kinda band I'll end up in....

seriously adorable

should i get this?

perceptions

i think you're pretty.
i think you're nice.
you think i'm annoying.
you think i think you're annoying.
you might even think i'm annoying because i think you're annoying..but i don't.

i think you're annoying.
you think i'm annoying. equal.

i think you hate me.
you think i love you.
i do hate you.
you love me.

you think i am a slut.
i think you think i'm a slut.
you think i think you think i'm awesome.

i think you're hott. (two t's)
you think i'm funny.
i think we're dating.
you think about her.

i think i'm classy.
you think i'm crazy.
i think you think i'm magic.

when i was a young girl

I've been thinking I really liked the person I was when I was 18-20 years old. I should be that person again. I was so fun and free and myself all the time. Not that I'm not myself, but I get unsure more and I feel a little more jaded. Back then I hadn't experienced real pain, and so I lived and loved like nothing could really happen. I am not saying I want to forget what I've learned about life since then, but I want to be fearless like I was back then.

Here's to me channeling 19 year old me (probably the blonde 19 year old me to be more specific).

I love my best friend.

a boy I liked for a long time

then I had blonde hair.

its only monday.

sitting in my bed (of course), feeling a little sick from my multivitamin mixing with my dinner of ice cream, I ponder why I am in school. I don't feel ready to be an adult in so many all encompassing ways. i just want every day to be like i'm summer when i was 9 years old.

outside. barefoot. sandals. bikes. rainstorms. playing in puddles. picnics were the biggest adventures. eating when you were hungry. not thinking about anything but where we could sidewalk chalk next. dissecting worms on that log behind erica's house, or was it the Riggles? the hose. oh so much. running through the sprinklers. that cold gooey awesome feeling of wet muddy grass and bare feet. the smell of rain hitting hot concrete. popscicles. making up our own summer camps. roadtrips to California. geauga lake. feet being torn up from swimming in the pool too much. being forced to play softball. picking strawberries. the last day of school. finding out who your teacher was. gelly sandals.

I wish so badly i was articulate, descriptive and imaginative enough to truly express the emotional response i have when i think about summer as a child. All i want is that. all the time. i dont want to write reports, plan lessons, make presentations or wear dress up clothes. how is it the middle of july and i haven't played in the sprinklers yet?

oh right i'm 24.

L is for the way you look at me, O is for...

I have seen a lot of different types of love in my life. Love between friends. Love between sisters. Love between roommates, brothers, fathers, parents, partners, schoolmates, lovers, and strangers.

Unfortunately our society believes that love can be boiled down into a chick flick, greeting card, valentine, love song, or clique statement. I beg to differ. Its a complex emotion? state of being? relationship?

The more I see of love (all the types) the more I know this. We were made to love each other. We were made to interact, to coexist, to blend our lives with others. It's not always clean cut, happy, equal or eternal, but we were meant to love each other. I'm finding I can't explain this as strongly as I'm feeling it. I have more, but it's incoherent.

hot. romantic.

 I just fell in love looking at this. Click the picture. I dare you.

mirror mirror on the wall

i'm aware that having a blog is already a pretty self centered thing to do. but i'm going to take a moment.  I'm pretty awesome.

Its not many days when i feel super awesome about myself but today's one of them. I'm funny, fun, cute, sexy, smart, boring, real, honest, creative, hardworking, adventurous, healthy, fashionable, silly, serious, crazy and a real good kisser.

It remains a mystery (to me at least) why i haven't been in a relationship in 4 years. Whateves. i know i'm hot stuff, and that's what matters.

my hair is always tangled.

A majority of my life is spent looking like a cave woman dressed in modern clothes. I tell myself this is a mod look. I've seen some fashion magazine somewhere make some stick insect look good with cave woman hair.  i tell myself that the fact that i'm not wearing any makeup is just natural so that i feel better about it. Well i just want to be honest about the way i look and natural to my body. Sure sure, but really when you don't style, comb or even wash your hair, and your wearing yesterday's eyeliner someone's bound to notice right?   Well when i got a hair cut last week, my stylist just said "well you're hair is just so soft, that's why its tangled all the time." well that's nice to know. at least the not washing it has made it softer. As far as my eating, sleeping and exercise habits every day is a new adventure. Maybe i'll fall asleep at 9:30pm or maybe 2:30am.  Maybe i'll feel energized for running 3-4 miles today, maybe i'll eat 10 cookies instead. who knows.

i'm an effing mess.

we're dancing like we're dumb umb uh uh uh umb

things get hard for me on sundays. They're so long. i get bored. it's hard to focus. i don't want to do anything. i don't want to do nothing. i get lonely (even with friends around). if i nap, i'm hyper. if i don't nap, i'm a zombie.

apparently it is even hard to be around myself.  Hopefully tomorrow is better.

(i've been listening to a lot of Ke$ha.)

perfect

waking up to the sun. working out. getting pretty. exploring. food. sun sun sun. friends. pedicures -- best new years resolution ever. glorious accidental naps. sun sun sun. froyo with besties. sun sun sun. laughing so much. people watching could be my olympic sport. fastest yummy dinner ever. new summer musics. besties and love and fun and wonderful.

summer i think you're my fave today. thank you. i heart seattle forever.

imacrazyperson

hi hi hi. eeekek. sick feeling sick feeling sick feeling. i have no idea what i'm thinking about 102% of the time.  ahhaha. its good, no problem. heheh . sigh. ... ... (rolling eyes and smacking gum). scattered in every way possible. wait... this freaks YOU out?!

$#!%!

Well. I was hoping it was charming.

it never ceases to amaze me.

well

i've been not blogging. strange. I love my blog.

i went to utah, i came home, hated school for a week, had a fantastic weekend, hated school today and i have plans to be more upbeat tomorrow about the whole career choice in general.

We've all reached a funny place in my graduate class. we're all so tired and stressed and worried about school and clinic that we're seeing our future lives and dreading it. we live for the weekend and work for the breaks. what will happen when we're truly adults and don't have spring, summer, thanksgiving and christmas breaks!? reality bites.

i'm kinda an awesome grandma

I love embroidering, and thanks to this site, the things i make are actually pretty cute. I made this bag for my embroidery gear and I kinda love it. 

my little bag

all four designs

For a friend's wedding present I made a set of napkins, the hedgehog design is my favorite.  To cover the stitches on the back i put a little patch with my signature on it. I hope it doesn't fray too much in the wash, we'll see.

oh hi

hopefully they can read it

I'm still working out the kinks with all my projects but I really love to do it. I'm becoming a spinster i know it, all i need is a kitty to play with my embroidery floss.


Update: the patch did fray--a lot. still figuring it out. anybody have ideas that are quick and easy??

i hate how vain i am

sometimes all it takes is a new haircut. and i hate that.

I woman who cuts her hair is about to change her life.

seriously, i need to find a better sunday activity to fill my sundays. I never do homework even when i really really need to. eating all day isn't a great idea although i love it. watching movies gets old, and i am not very good at naps. why is this the longest day.

makes me cry. i want to write and live like this.

The Invitation

It doesn’t interest me what you do for a living, I want to know what you ache for and if you dare to dream of meeting your heart’s longing.

It doesn’t interest me how old you are. I want to know if you will risk looking like a fool for love, for your dreams, for the adventure of being alive.

It doesn’t interest me what planets are squaring with your moon. I want to know if you have touched the center of your own sorrow, if you have been opened by life’s betrayals, or have become shriveled and closed from fear of further pain. I want to know if you can sit with pain, mine or your own, without moving to hide it or fade it or fix it. I want to know if you can be with joy, mine or your own; if you can dance with the wilderness and let the ecstasy fill you to the tips of your fingers and toes without cautioning yourself to be careful, be realistic, or to remember the limitations of being human.

It doesn’t interest me of the story you’re telling me is true. I want to know if you can disappoint another to be true to yourself; if you can bear the accusation of betrayal and not betray your own soul. I want to know if you can be faithful and therefore be trustworthy. I want to know if you can see the beauty even when everyday is not pretty, and if you can source your life from its presence. I want to know if you can live with failure, yours and mine, and still stand on the edge of a lake and shout to the silver of the full moon, “Yes!”

It doesn’t interest me to know where you live or how much money you have. I want to know if you can get up after a night of grief and despair, weary and bruised to the bone, and do what needs to be done for the children. It doesn’t interest me who you know or how you came to be here. I want to know if you will stand in the center of the fire with me and not shrink back.

It doesn’t interest me where or what or with whom you have studied. I want to know what sustains you from the inside when all else falls away. I want to know if you can be alone with yourself, and if you truly like the company you keep in the empty moments.


Oriah Mountain Dreamer- Native American elder

sloth--->trolls

Baby Sloth

Awesome Team Photo

 

 

Found this gem on zooborns.com this afternoon.  Pretty ugly right. The first thing I thought of was Willow trolls. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

When I tried to find a good picture of those guys I found this one.  Thanks Ron Howard for being so awesome.  

There was also this amazing find....love the sound track.

again i say

Honestly. I'm a social retard. I've accepted it.

This may look familiar.

ahhh...

http://awesomepeoplehangingouttogether.tumblr.com/

Paul Newman and Robert Redford. Seriously best buds, BFF, besties with testes. Love them.

if i don't know you...

Meeting new people is an interesting social interaction. You are approached, or you approach someone, hold out your hand and say, Hi i'm _____. This (hopefully?) starts a conversation of generally boring topics like, where they are from, what do they do, are they up here doing the internship and whatever.  But when this goes wrong, when somehow the introduction goes awry, it is sometimes tricky knowing who brought the awkward to the table. what was said? not said? Hopefully i'm not the only one who thinks this is the hardest part of having a social life.

So one of my favorite ways that the introduction can fail, is a complete fail. You are standing in front of each other. Neither of you know each other, your friends are talking, but neither of you extend that first "hello." Sometimes it is clearly one person's obligation to do so, usually it should be those talking friends who are ignoring you, but for some reason or another it never happens. When this occurs though, you have seen this person and will usually ask your friend who they are later. So what ends up happening is this:

- you know ____?
-mmm, that one from the party with the hair?
-yea.
-well, i don't know him, but i know who you're talking about....

WHA!? Why? So awkward. Mutual knowledge but never introduced, strange really.

Another favorite, is when someone you don't know, but know of, taps you on the shoulder in sunday school and tells you to go sit with someone else you don't know cause you're sitting alone and they're sitting alone, and that would be nice of you.

Well you know, you could always sit with her....well i could but you're sitting alone.... right.

meltingpot=salad

Remember in elementary school where we were taught that America was a Meltingpot of cultures and nationalities? And then, some time along the way in my schooling, someone took that back and said, well wait a minute, its more like a Salad.  All the parts and pieces mixed together but still distinct.  I remember liking that analogy when i was a kid.

as i ate my salad tonight, i thought of that strange memory and wondered if i was committing genocide or carrying out a draft by eating all the broccoli first.

its engagement season

Why the hell is there a season for that anyway? Shouldn't people be getting married based on other things than the end of the school year? Dumb.

this is not going to be coherent; you were warned.

i got a tarot card set for my birthday>>>best news ever, i can now tell the future.  i've recently been keeping better track of my horoscope and it is surprising how dead on it is sometimes. i love it. its hilarious.

i'm now 24 which i think means i'm old, my larynx has one year to live, and my frontal lobe has stopped developing. Basically it's down hill from here. I'm the only one living in my house this summer that won't be in love, and everyone i know is pregnant. I'm currently working on embroidery projects for everyone i know so i can have some reason to keep making them. its getting silly to not have a purpose in making them.

hummus is delicious on a chip or a finger.  Chocolate is my best friend. For my birthday everyone gave me something chocolate. I think its generally known i have a sweet tooth.

i ate french fries like 700 times in the last 4 days= i'm super fat....didn't go to the gym today after all...watched movies and painted my nails. a good alternative i think...anyway WWW i hope you enjoyed this random sampling of thoughts and feelings and unnecessary details.

its just a normal Saturday Night

in bed.
in bed watching a movie.
in bed watching a movie, eating room service (pot stickers).
in bed watching a movie, eating room service (pot stickers), on the 27th floor of the Westin.
in bed watching a movie, eating room service (pot stickers), on the 27th floor of the Westin, with mom!


Happy Birthday to me.

super cute.

the FU Building is down the street from my house

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 329u85oljbnab' 90u 35'pijkznx.cm29 ªª9(*{)U{)#@(H


anyway.

I just want to emote till I’m dead

sometimes, somedays i want to do stupid emotionally destructive things.

i could have been unconscious

why do i insist on staying up late. i know i'll want my bed tomorrow morning more than anything else. i know i need the sleep.  blogging isn't that great is it?

lame. i'm super dumb.

Happy Mother's Day

Yeah...

I hope all the mothers i love feel appreciated today.  Happy Mother's Day!

where have all the good men gone

the whole sleeping-alone-in-my-bed phase in my life, i'm kinda sick of that phase.

in other news...sort of. I am a big ball of annoying girly bitterness today, i believe.  i'm in one of those moods that no matter what sound logic you use on me, i will refute with some hysterically irrational response.

"I know only 6 decent men."
"You know that isn't possible. Lets count them."
"I don't have to count them, i know that there can only be at the most 10 good men in my life."
"sigh"

that is pretty much what is going on.  So while trying to be my own therapist, i pause and think "Janna, why are you feeling this way? What can it be traced back to?" Well, I know the answer(s) to that question. The problem now that i am facing, is that the italics part of my mental process is losing the battle.  While i know the reasons i feel bitter towards men, i feel justified in those feelings...still. While i know that there are in fact more than 6 decent men in my life, at this specific moment even, i am not letting myself believe it.  I hate that. I don't want to be this girl, i really don't.

but sometimes i want to do this again:

suck it boys who only love long hair...idiots.

oh and i HATE doing my homework. every day.

its very elemental really...

i've been thinking a lot recently about being honest.  I don't think i lie outright very often, but i don't think i've been very honest with myself. I'm trying to think about what exactly it is that i lie to myself about.

Well, as you can see from this techincal diagram, i'm diagnosing myself with a lesion in the corpus collosum of honesty.

I will be going to see this baby

Ocelot kitten takes first steps on exhibit: 

honestly

how long do you need to be on the phone everyday?

FFFFFFFFUNK: An Acrostic Poem

Food: too much of it
Fat: i'm getting to be a little bit
Free-time: i have none, though i pretend like i do
Fatigued: i have no energy
Friends: I miss them
Family: I miss them too
French kissing: i miss this a lot
Frail: I think i'm getting sick
Unending: so much homework
Napping: I never do this anymore.
Kids: I really like them.


Funkity funk funk, can you dig it?

this week i had to make some decisions

i am assuming a lot in this i know. Who knows if i even had an alternative but it felt as though i had to make this decision a few times this week. tonight included.

those reese's eggs are out and now i need to go to the gym more....

sometimes things are plain

simple lovely and straightforward

i love frozen yogurt

i love my bed

i am scared of more than i thought, but its invigorating

i miss being held. today. don't worry. its not a trend.

i've been getting dizzy spells

i really have been getting dizzy spells recently. today was a moderately bad one. I couldn't really move my head or stand for about a half hour. i just laid on my bed waiting for it to pass. luckily i was pretty close to my bed when it began.

while contemplating why i get dizzy I got a little poetic i suppose.  like i've mentioned before, my body expresses it self to my mind.  The way i am feeling is reflected some way viscerally. so how am i supposed to interpret dizzyness?  i don't know which way is up? spiritually, that might be true recently.  i have mood swings. good day, bad day, worse day, better day, good day...etc.

my relationship to the idea of being in a relationship is another area of my life i can't get a grip on.  a couple of days ago i was completely apathetic to the idea of dating. it will happen it won't, my happiness or my ability to feel content with my life was not at all dependent on the men in my life. yet today i barely recognize those thoughts as my own.

i'm dizzy. my mind, my heart, my spirit. I keep changing my approach to different things, my beliefs? my faith in certain aspects of life in general.  I am productive, i am on top of things then i'm slacking everything i was progressing in, things i was happy doing. am i depressed? i think its different than that. its more of a lack of commitment to life. now that's a scary thought. why am i doing this to my self? is it self sabotage or merely laziness? these are questions that i don't feel i have the energy to get into. so i'll probably just wait for the next wave of "go get em" attitude. it should only take a few days.  until then i'll just try not to make any sudden movements.

pandora: fleet foxes. i can't stop listening.

holy moly

Life is good this weekend. I had a lot of alone time in my bed, in my room. Cleaning, organizing, listening to such good things during General Conference. One main highlight: 

As I watched, I tried to imagine what my life would be without my faith. If I didn't know who these men and women were, what would they seem like to me? What if I thought they were just old guys who were the leaders of the Mormon church? Just like all those other old guys who are the leaders of any church, with no specific importance to me. I wouldn't have any reason to believe what they were saying, and I definitely wouldn't spend 8 hours of my weekend listening to them.  During this conference I tried to figure out what it is exactly that ties me to this church, this religion, my beliefs. 

Well the truth is, they are just old guys who are the leaders of the LDS church. The only reason anything they say or do has any affect on me is because when I hear them speak I feel something. Not that other speakers can't make me feel something, but this feeling is distinct.

My body has ways of telling me what I need to pay attention to. When I'm sick, I get a headache, fever, a stomachache. When I'm in danger, I get that dreadful pit in my stomach feeling and my adrenaline kicks in. When I am hearing truth, that pit in my stomach feeling twists upside down and instead of pulling my stomach down, its pulling my heart deeper inside of me. Anchoring me down to that moment, helping me to notice and recall this moment in time again.  So I'll never forget when I felt this truth resound in my mind, heart, and soul.  

So from an outsiders perspective I can see that they are imperfect men, who cry, laugh, feel angry sometimes, and have normal lives. Yet like a Magic Eye design, I can shift my view and see the truth right in front of me.  These are the prophets of the world. They are delivering the message that God wants to give to his children here on this earth...and I got to hear it. How lucky am I? How lucky is the world?

On another note....I love embroidering.

OOOOH CAN-A-DAAA

i think i might have become Canadian today. Don't worry.

First speeding ticket ever. Detained at the border. this is what i look like in canada. they have that up here too? interview with a canadian goose. hot dog stations. beluga whales pooping: a unique experience. every thai place is closed. canadian chocolate.  28 dollars (canadian) for a bridge? denny's with a maple leaf for the apostrophe. we're from the states. cruise control.

all in all, a very good day.

lets go get an elephant ear.

Back when i could stomach them, i loved roller coasters.  The best part was going up the hill, tension building, excitement for what was to come!  A big hill to scream and feel your stomach drop all the way down to your knees yet you feel it in your throat too. I remember that feeling where you want to scream so bad, but you cant. your breath is taken away and then when you finally can scream its almost over and you're going up another hill of excitement and suspense, or maybe a loop-di-loop.

This feeling is only great when the roller coaster you're on delivers. Usually there is some long line to stand in before you even get on the roller coaster. You endure this line, bored, hot and annoyed by the people walking in circles around you. The fact that the line is long is usually a sign of a good roller coaster, but in this case it's just a waste of valuable amusement park hours.  Once on the coaster you go up the inevitable suspenseful hill.  Its a slow climb, but you can tell you're getting pretty high so you're expecting some fun drop. Its a little scary, but it always is.  Its the good scary, the kind that means you get something back. That anticipation can't be all for nothing. But when you get to the top you see there's just a little drop and then a lot of rickety turns.  This ride was a trick, it fooled you.  It had the long line (popularity), and the big hill, probably some fancy colors and a catchy name.  It has all the signs and signals of a fun roller coaster but was actually just a lot of whipping around. You get off just feeling windblown and tired, not exhilarated.  

You had all the signs and signals of being a fun "roller coaster" but it was just a lot of waiting and work. I wish i felt more exhilarated, but i really just feel disoriented and ready to take a break from the whole park experience. 

please, why, what is my problem.

just come over and take a sunday hibernation nap with me.

i think therefore, i blog

sometimes i just open this up and see what comes out of my head. what am i thinking right now? i don't know, so i'll blog. I am thinking about how today is a wonderfully beautiful day, my window is open, the sun is shining and i'm deep cleaning my bedroom and bathroom. I'll probably go running (at some point hopefully) i'll probably do some mending or embroidery. I don't know. We'll see. I might watch a show or something. Paid some bills, did some laundry. Made some lists. I should write letters. You're coming soon. I hope we have so much fun. There are things i'm afraid of and i can't tell what they are some days, i just feel uneasy. I wonder if i'll ever be in a family of my own. some days i'll just ache and ache to be someone's buddy. just let me live my life with you? please? someone? i'm desperate some days. some days, maybe today is one of those days, i feel independent and wonderful and dream of owning things and doing things my own way all the time. dear dear i am thinking a lot of things this morning...i guess it's afternoon now. what has happened to this day.

you will be surrounded by things of luxury

Tv, drinks, food and willing boys. All of these things have something in common. If they are in front of me, available, i will watch, drink, eat, or kiss them (respectively). I don't know what this means. Probably that i have no self control. Hmm i should work on that.

real life ewoks

look! real life ewoks!! Apparently they're the smallest monkeys in the world.

Found at zooborns.com  There are some great finds like this one, or maybe this one, but seriously check out how ugly this bird is.  It looks like a Harry Potter creature of death.

 Oh and remember when playing in the snow was more like this 

butter, bagettes and bare-backs

Hannah and I are going to start a business together. "Butter, bagettes and bare-backs."  She wanted to add Bananas on there, but i don't like bananas.

This is how we got the idea.  I saw a cute little store front for rent and said "lets get it! what would we make it?" and Hannah said, "a massage place...and a french bakery"

Butter would be an option for massage oil, as well as a main ingredient in most of the pastries and breads...that's pretty much it. Genius or disgusting? I think maybe both.

I love my friends. We ate here last night. It was ok, but fun with friends.

yeah. these guys are so strange and great.

good roommate.

"all i'm saying is celebration should be about moving your body."-Hannah

A crunchy delicious gift.

they finally came! My free baby trial size!

Tastes so good.

Seriously one of my best purchases.

Cones

do you think they've made it clear we should stay on the sidewalk?

Today this might say it all.

see my post on this other blog i write on.

Click

seriously.

it's really too bad.

dear daft punk....

Tron soundtrack,

Thank you for making it easier for me to stay at the library and copy notes about brain injury. It really means a lot to me. I'll make it up to you some day.

love,
JBottoms

But I'm still in the library...

who will win? I think i have a pretty good idea.

seagulls

The seagulls are so loud outside the library. Who knew there were so many in red square. They're really distracting me....way more than the internet and blogging and netflix and music...gosh...damn seagulls.

student of concern.

Uh meeting with nancy....my picture got taken down in the computer lab...does that mean something?

i colored this

You're welcome Devon.

Lent

Lent isn't something that Mormons generally do. It's not part of our religious practice.  But I was thinking about it the other day and I really like the idea.  The concept that giving up something to focus on more important things in life really resonates with me.  I think it helps build self control, and thus self reliance, and hopefully self confidence.  I need to focus on the more important things in life.  So I'm giving up Facebook for Lent this year!

This is why: School is an afterthought most days, which is weird cause its my whole life.  Church is just going through the motions most of the time which i HATE. And with General Conference coming up i really should be in a good place spiritually to receive the messages from our leaders.  I am doing the "General Conference Challenge" with some people in the ward. We're reading all the talks from last time in preparation and blogging about it. Here's the link.  I love this plan. Spring break will be all about crafts, friends, and gearing up for my BRUTAL spring quarter. I can do this. But i'll probably blog a lot more.

P.S.

how is this room so cool?

i want to create things.

 

I recently feel like I need to create more things. So I bought this at one in the morning last night.

With this pattern:

 

Wish me luck! Spring break crafting.