Defining my relationship with God

I have been raised and taught and exposed to my religion's culture, traditions, beliefs and teachings my entire life. For this I am extremely blessed, however simultaneously at a disadvantage.  I have so rarely gone without a positive day, or a blessed moment that I find it hard to truly identify the moments when God's spirit is literally within me. #borninthecovenantproblems

I am not, nor should I complain. I am just trying to wrap my head around what I personally do to worship God. Granted, I could do much better at it, I am trying to give myself credit for what I think I do accomplish on a standard day.

Things I have tried in the last few months:

1. At least once a day, stop and think of my millions of wondrous blessings
2. Attempt to say a silent prayer, or meditate on God for a few minutes a day
3. Think of Christ, and seek to act as he might. Charitably, humbly, kindly, etc.
4. Be more positive, having faith that both you and others are simply doing their very best everyday.
5. Whenever making a hard choice between right and wrong, seek to identify your own ambitions for either action. Is it to make you or Him happy?

While 'reading my scriptures X minutes a day' or 'praying twice a day' is not on this list, I have noted I am more at peace with my own ability to love and appreciate God's hand in my life. Now here's to getting those more traditional daily worship check boxes filled.

les amis//mes amis

I am an extravert. I get lonely almost instantly. To me, all the beauty of the world and so much evidence of God can be seen in relationships between people. I chose my career path for many reasons, not least of which was to provide me an avenue to connect with people. I love having a career where serving people and loving people is inherent. I have people constantly around me; those who I can love and who can love me. But true friendship, that is what I am pondering today. 

For me, making friends has been at times as simple as breathing, and at other times as painful as drowning. I didn't have many friends growing up, some wonderful people, but as many childhood friendships, they were lessened with growing up. Looking at what I have now, I know I am immensely blessed with the people in my life. 

I know my family is a group of souls and individuals that God knew would need each other, but I am continually in awe that every person we place in our life can also be (and usually is) someone God knew we would need, and that we could serve. The beauty of acceptance, vulnerability, service and love all wrapped up in something that seems to have happened on accident is wonderful. Its falling in love, but pure and without the romanticism that often confuses me. When I find a person I click with I just enjoy it and have fun. Unlike my crazed overanalyzing dating persona. 

My family is spread thin all around the globe. We won't all be together in one place for another two years, but I don't feel alone because I have friends around me. I hope my friends who are also far from their family feel that support from me. I know I fail the friendship game sometimes, but I hope to continually perfect the skill of making, keeping and loving friends. xo my friendsies

the escape

I have forgotten about this thing. I have missed it maybe, i'm not sure. But i think it helps me to write these things down. So i will begin yet again.

The pull to change and to develop and to explore is coming again to me. It has been over three years since I have moved to Seattle, a little over a year since shifting from school life to working life, and as I am now feeling settled, of course i feel the need to change again.

Every move or change or intentional shift in my life has thus far come with a 'reason', be it school or family or school again. Now i imagine the only thing that would be 'reason' enough would be marriage, dating, better job, etc. It doesn't seem like enough to list boredom, or restlessness or ? as a reason to pick up my life and move.

Where would I even go? I have no idea. Sometimes i feel i would like to be nearer to certain friends, other days i feel like running away from anyone who knows me to re-invent myself in some way. It seems like a scary and stupid idea, impractical from every angle, but most inklings usually do. Who's to say that my desire to escape my life here is not driven by some simple prompting from God, or desire to fulfill myself somehow? (and if it is so, don't i have an obligation to listen to it?) I struggle to understand the difference between those personal promptings and mere whims of fancy that i am so prone to having and subsequently obsessing over.

when i get down to the logistics i of course have panic attacks just doing exploratory searches for housing and jobs in potential future cities. These anxieties of course signal nothing, as i often have them over much more trivial things. Life is full of trials, big and small, mostly small for me, although i make them big.

To move on or not to move on is the current question. And if so, when? It may all come to naught if i just postpone it long enough. I'm sure i'll find something else to drum up some angst or drama about.

i have a life, a life to share

i have a beautiful morning. its nice alone, but come and share it with me. i'll make you breakfast in bed when you're good, and even when you're bad, but especially when i'm bad. "xo sorry here's toast with jam."

i have recipes you will love and those that you'll pretend to love. I want to learn what your face looks like when you're faking it. Just for you i'll make you guacamole, banana bread, and fish while i make something for me on the side.

i have mannerisms and little annoying habits that will make you cringe and drive you up the wall. Can you love me despite them? Lets find out. we'll fight about the little things and apologize. we'll fight about the big things too, but instead of apologies we'll change for each other.

i have stories and pictures and anecdotes to tell you. You have yours too; let's forget which one happened to who. And when we tell them at dinner with our friends, you'll smile knowingly at me when we both know the best parts are just for us to know. 

when i get home i'll check for your shoes by the door. when you wake up you'll feel for me on the other side of the bed. the quotidian, the banal and the boring of both of our lives will beautifully combine until your strands and my fibers are indistinguishably woven together.

i have thoughts and dreams and deeper levels that are almost impossible to know. i will show my heart to you if you show yours. we can have secrets and share secrets and learn about them together. 

but most of all i have love. love to give and lose and share and take.

i have a life, a life to share.

honesty policy

most of my life i have had nothing to hide. yes, there was a time in highschool where my "whereabouts" were open to interpretation and when #atmyfriendshouse almost always meant #kissingmyboyfriendaloneathishouse. but other than that i have enjoyed what i have always thought was a healthy honest relationship with my parents. most of the time this works very well for everyone. they feel included in my life, i feel inclusive, they share, i share, we all feel bonded.

but sometimes we all hear a few things we aren't comfortable with, or that make us feel a little distress or worry. they hear that i don't always read my scriptures or eat my vegetables. i hear that it is hard at home for whatever the reason. one that is most common from either side of the conversation is that we aren't all smiles all the time, or maybe not even most of the time.

but here's my take. i love people by sharing. i feel love and connection from others when they share with me. how better to bond with my parents, especially as an adult, than sharing? if i keep things to myself, or shade things with pink, or "forget to mention" certain aspects of my life, especially the hard things, how can either of us benefit? with the sharing scenario they are offered 1) an opportunity to provide counsel and 2) feel included in their adult child's life. i am offered, even when i dont want it, 1) an opportunity to hear counsel, and more importantly 2) learn from their experience.

give and take. hurt and grow. in my book, those things are what make a relationship supportive, healthy and quite frankly worth having. but oh boy does that sometimes become hard. who knows, maybe i've got it all wrong. either way, i sure do love my parents. #sorryiliedinhighschool

foolish lies

sometimes i'm a fool

I am fool who lies.  Sometimes I lie about how I feel. This may be shocking to those who have been on the other end of one of my bluntly honest tirades. I do apologize for that.

In the fight between head and heart I tell myself that my head is right and will win. This is a lie.

Truth is, in this fight, it doesn't matter much who is right and who is wrong, it just matters who wins, and my heart will always win.

I am a fool and now I'm stuck with all the lies I've told publicly and privately that will be thrown in my face when my heart finally claims the battle won.

Because i was so cute when i was a kid.

Something new

Something is new about the order in which these events occurred.

1st: the words "I'm in love with you" coming out of my mouth.

2nd: our first kiss

I could die tonight. My heart is feeling equal parts pathetic and proud.