I want my family

I'm devastated.

The little girl found atas return dining vouchers in his bag. Brought it to me and asked what's this?

I looked at her.. looked at the vouchers.. and was speechless.

But my mum says to trust him. Give him space and time. He has friends too and no wrong to go atas restaurants for entertainment.. more so with his status right? He also said before.. I must trust him else what's the point of the marriage right?

I should give him space. And pray. Don't anyhow think. Sigh. 

I wish we are the happy family again.  I miss our happy days.. everytime I look at all the photos I would cry myself to sleep. Sigh.

31/1/15 10.32pm

My heart died.

28/1/15: He came home past 12 midnight. Apparently he went to some romantic atas Jap restaurat at Dempsey.

29/1/15: He came home past 12 midnight.

30/1/15: He came home at 2am.

He said he hates me. He said he hates coming home.

He said he has changed. No longer the him. He says he drinks everyday now at night, he's saving money to buy an S2000, he wants to bring his mum to malacca, he wants to visit his mum anytime.. his mum can call him anytime..

he asked me how many times has his mum seen the girl for the past 1 yr. Who's fault is this? After I gave birth, whenever we have any quarrels, he will straight away rush to want to grab the little girl and screamed at me "I'm bringing the girl to my mother.. I'm bringing the girl to my mother... I'm bringing the girl to my mother."

He said that because of me, his family is in disarray now. That we sold off the flat. He had a hand in everything yet he blames me for everything. He even kept saying, sell the flat now good because we need to sell it off anyway since prices are dropping.. hdb is up everywhere there.

How long am I going to take this? How can I take this? I hate everything about him now.

I need to get away from him.

I feel sorry towards the little girl. She will never know what a happy intact family is.

But I cannot let him torture me. He will force me into depression and get custody of the girl.

I must not let that happen.

The girl is happiest when she sees that I am happy. And we love spending time with each other.

I can bring her overseas too. We don't need him.

30/1/15

We are really over.

28/1/15 10.30pm

其实我也不需要太伤心。我们今天会走到这个地步,也是因为他。

He never really loved me. From the start, when he decided to marry me, it's all because he wants someone to take care of his family. Why can't he just get a maid? From then on, buying house etc etc, it's all about him and his mama. I have never really been part of his life genuinely.

Every single time we go marketing, he will need to buy something for his mama. . Never really cared abt me.. I gave up my dream job for him.. yet while I was slogging away with assignments at NIE.. He never cared. Only know how to buy chicken essence for his mama when I went NTUC. And there I was.. tired to the core.. do housework. .study at NIE.. cook and everything else.

I'm so tired. Now he's giving me hell because of his family. When will karma ever find this kind of person? He's never genuinely loved me. There is alot of dissatisfaction and unhappiness from him towards me. It's like how his father sees his mum and he's doing it to me.

Perhaps, I would be far better off without him. Perhaps I would lead a much happier life without him and I'm alone with the girl. Perhaps life would be simpler. I don't really have a proper married life with him anyway. Even before all these problems of me distancing from his family coz they irk me started, he was never like when we were dating. I think we had *** more during the few months we were dating than we had over the 5 years we were married. How ironic.

What is there to love about this marriage? This is misery to the core.

Better let go before its too late. I only want the girl. Nothing else.

The more he tortures me, the more I hate him and the more I can let go. Let him push me further. It's a blessing in disguise.

I can do better without him.

Tue 20 jan

He is putting me thru tremendous mental stress.

I am very wary. Very tired. Very.

They pissed me off.  I retaliated. Perhaps too much.

I am in the wrong now. Very wrong. Can anyone help me?

I am most worried and sad about the little girl. No more happy daddy mummy family holidays ever. It's sad for a little girl to have to go thru that.

15/1/15

I'm drained. No more energy.

It's all about him. What about me?

I just want my daughter.

14/1/15

He is very selfish. Parenthood is about planning for the future.. for us.. for the kid. Yet he kept on harping about his life.. that he wants his old life back..

What kind of life then do I have? I work, fetch the girl, cook dinner, put her to bed, housework and more marking and lessons preparations. What life do I have then? I do enjoy looking after my precious little girl. But he is totally the opposite. Just want the fun but not the hardwork and commitment in raising a kid... raising a family.

I am so so so drained. God.. where are you when I needed you most?

16/1/15 3.31am

It's 3.31am and I can't sleep.

Looking back at my life during these past 6 years, I have suffered. It's very sad for a woman to lead this kind of life, where everyday you are subjected to blames, accusations, and being cast aside.. alone facing the lonely walls of the house, while someone have fun all over Singapore enjoying life to the max.

It's cruel. It's heartless.

13/1/155 7.03am

He is killing me slowly. But I will be strong for my gal.

I hate this man. But I love my gal.

He has destroyed my life.. eternally.

Yet I need to tolerate all these.. coz I love my gal too much. I don't want her to suffer any humiliation in life because I'm a failure in my marriage.

She is innocent.

13/1/15 5.22am

I am tossing and turning and I cannot sleep well.

I am so drained.

Day 3 of big fight. 12/1/15

Day 3. He refused to see me, refused to acknowledge what he and his family had done to me, gave me hope that we'll reconcile then smashed it and crushed me.

He is subjecting me to a very tedious mental warfare. I'm so glad for the love from my parents,  from my baby, from my best friend.

Honestly, I can live without him. But I have a daughter and she's only 2 years old. I want her to grow up in a complete family. Not single parent weekday here weekend there. I don't want to subject her to a lifetime of humiliation like that. I will take all that comes, for her. Not for him. I have suffered all these years. I am drained. But I must fight on.

I live in a marriage with no love. What can be worse than this?

For my lovely gal, I will take all that comes. I will.

God please give me strength.

He is torturing me. Playing a very cruel game of mental warfare. This is so unfair.

Present

I'm now a mummy to an 8 month old little girl.

My maternity leave is ending in less than a week. These past 8 months were so meaningful to me, minus the mother-in-law part.

I suspect she has done some gong-Tao on me.. For some reason, after going to her house last Sunday, I don't feel easy. It's as if I feel really frustrated and irritatd at the mere sight of her son and everything he says irks me. 

I don't understand.

Why are there such people in this world?

I chosed my own path. Do I really wanna carry on? Can I carry on? What implications will it bring to me?

I really can't take it. 

Happiness, is something I used to yearn for, but something I no longer can see in my life. My only happiness comes, when I'm alone.

I wonder, if people understand that, the more you try to force your habits, your "standards" and your lifestyle on someone else, the less love you are going to get in return? Every single time you fight with me, my love diminishes just that little bit more. But this little bit more has grown to a whole lot bigger. I no longer fear that you'll crash into a something and leave me alone in this world. I no longer fear that something unfortunate will happen to you when you're doing your favourite "sport". I no longer fear that I will lose you.

To me, you have pushed my limit to the max. You have made me feel like the worst thing in this world. You have tarnished my self-esteem by time and again, abusing me physically and verbally. You hurt me with your words, your actions, your tyranny-ness. To you, I am not your family. I am someone whom you want to control, to gain something, and someone whom you don't love with your heart.

From the way you look at me, I can tell.

I never thought this day would come. I never thought this would happen to me. But it's happened. And this is really unfortunate.

You are the unfortunate thing that has happened to me. The most regretful thing. 

一次痛，
两次寒，
三次麻。

As we grow older, we begin to realise that, decisions that we've made when we were younger, in a fit of rashness, in a fit of wilfulness, will normally result in a tragic ending.

Take myself for example. I live in regret daily. Why did I rush into things? I just wanted to get out then, and now I'm paying the price for it. Now I'm stuck. Stuck being a lowlife, lowest class "citizen".

I will not suffer for long. I will make spring come early for myself.