Being a solo mom is hard work

A few years ago when Jarom worked for Linux Networx, he traveled quite a bit.  He loved it, and since I only had Isaac at the time, I didn't mind it too much either.  He racked up a lot of frequent flier miles and hotel points and we were able to take some fun vacations for really cheap.  While I missed him, it wasn't too bad having him gone for a few days. Absent heart and all that.

Well, now that we have four kids, having him gone is not easy.  At all.  He's been gone since Thursday morning and I am counting down the seconds until he comes home.  I know that he helps me get a tiny pinch of my sanity back when he comes home from work, and helps shoulder the burden of bedtime and homework and fussy babies.  But having him gone really makes me realize how much I miss him and really need that little break.

While he's been gone, I've done my best to entertain the troops and provide some level of fun without pulling all my hair out.  Last night, we went out for ice cream cones at Arctic Circle and played with friends in the play area.  Tonight we celebrated Mandy's birthday at Chick-Fil-A and let the kids play there too.  One more day of flying solo until my companion is home, and I can't wait.  Please, time, hurry. 

On a totally different note, I got Dallin's 6 month picture off the camera tonight and slapped his little month marker on.  Here's my adorable little guy at his half year mark:

One single hair

If you look really closely at this picture, you can see one long, lone strand of hair at the top of Dallin's head.  I love that hair.  It's my favorite hair on his sweet little chubby head.  I look for it every day and wonder how that one hair grew so long.  Was it his first hair?  By, like, months?  Does it just have a super growth cell at the base of the hair?  These are things I ponder as I stroke his soft baby fuzz.

I am constantly overwhelmed by how much I love these four little bodies who swarm around me every day.  I have their faces memorized, the feel of their hair is familiar to the touch, their preferences and wishes are second nature.  I can tell you what their favorite foods are, favorite shows to watch, favorite toys to play with. 

I am their mother and I am humbled to be called by such a noble title.

I can't help but wonder if one of the reasons we are so blessed to be parents is to get a glimpse into the method that our Heavenly Father uses to know us - our likes and dislikes, our preferences and quirks.  He knows us because He is with us, constantly.  He knows when we're happy or sad, alone or comforted, disappointed or triumphant.  He loves us and wants us to be happy.

As I continue down my mothering path, it's humbling to learn these little lessons that give me a greater appreciation and understanding of my relationship with my Father in Heaven.

Guns

Guns, ammunition, magazine limits, assault rifles - hot topic words that are bringing out a lot of emotions in many people right now.  People that hadn't given much thought to it in the past are giving the "gun debate" a lot of attention right now due to the rising number of high profile tragedies like the recent shooting at Sandy Hook Elementary right before Christmas.  Everywhere you go, people are talking about, debating it, and more often than not, are putting down others because of it.  So with this in mind, I wanted to share my take on it.

People need to relax and not get their panties in a bunch.

Yes, of course guns kill people, and of course, so do lots of other things, both voluntarily and involuntarily.  Yes, some high capacity guns do not have practical use for most people in an ordinary setting.  And yes, bad people are able to get their hands on guns to pursue their bad agendas.

That being said, guns themselves are not bad.  Gun ownership and responsible usage is not bad.  It is our 2nd amendment right to possess guns for personal protection.  In my heart, I do not believe that taking guns away from the general population will mitigate the crime rate in our country. On the contrary, I think it will make it more difficult for people to be able to protect themselves, if that is the method they chose to pursue for personal protection.

I watched on the news last night as the State of California offering citizens money for their guns - WHY?  Why do they think it's so bad for good, honest people to own guns?  I know it's voluntary, for now, but what happens when the start to mandate the confiscation of all privately owned guns?  Scary times, people!

For Christmas, Jarom got me a very unusual gift - my very first gun.  At first, I was a little shocked and confused, comparing it to getting me a bowling ball or a weed whacker.  But as the shock wore off and the idea of owning a gun settled in, I decided to take the first step of being a responsible gun owner and signed up to take a Concealed Carry Permit class so I could learn a thing or two before firing it off.  Yesterday I went down to MyUtahCCW with my friends Mandy and Kristie, along with a packed room of others, and took a very informative and interesting class.  The instructor's approach to owning and carrying a gun was to accomplish one main goal - to arrive home safely to his family at the end of the day.  He is obviously passionate about guns.  He builds them, shoots them competitively, and devotes a great deal of time educating people about using guns for both personal enjoyment and personal protection.  He covered a lot of topics that provided me with a lot of food for thought.

Then last night, Jarom took me to Cabella's to get some nifty (PINK!) safety glasses and ear protection so I'm all ready to go shooting.  While I have a long way to go before I am proficient at shooting, I am looking forward to discovering and developing a new hobby.

I don't see myself as the kind of person that will be packing heat regularly, but it's nice to know that if I ever feel like I want to, I can.  After I get my permit back, of course.  So don't mess with this Momma Bear, because if it comes down to it and I need to protect my babies or myself, you better believe that I will.

Here's a picture of my little NAA 22 Magnum.  I should probably name it.

Disneyland

Before I found out I was pregnant, I started planning a little family trip to California for spring, but once again I was reminded how little control I have over my life.  So we rescheduled our trip instead to November and naive me thought it would be so much fun to celebrate my 35th birthday at Disneyland.  Sounds like a dream, right?  Especially since it just so worked out that two of Jarom's brothers' families and my brother and his family were also going to be in So Cal at the same time!  I did lots of research and had a fun and exciting week planned out for our little family.

Driving down, we caravaned with Nathan and Julie, and despite regular stops to feed Dallin, the drive was uneventful and pretty smooth.  We arrived in California in the early evening and got settled into our hotel after a quick visit to Grandma's house delivering a couple boxes of Dunford Donuts.  

The next morning, we piled into the bus and were on our way to Disneyland California Adventure.  I had never been to that park before, so I was pretty excited to experience something new. Our first stop was the Monster's Inc. ride, and I thought it was really charming, but Emilie didn't care for it at all.  We then stopped to get a little family picture taken, and then headed out to go on some more rides.  At least that was the plan, but after waiting in line to go on a ride in the Bug's Life area with nothing but screaming, it was clear that Emilie did not want anything to do with Disneyland.

  

We took the kids a couple years ago and had a wonderful experience, so I had great expectations that it would be even better with older kids, but after being in the park for only an hour, I had a hysterical Emilie and a very upset birthday girl (ME!).  So Jarom stayed with Isaac, and I took the rest of the kids back to the hotel.  The babies took a nap, and I stewed and fumed as my elaborate birthday plans blew up in my face.

I especially regretted not being able to see the whole park, so that evening after dinner, we were able to convince Emilie to not freak out long enough for us to go back so we could at least walk around and see the park, so we went back for a few hours.  We saw the last few minutes of the parade, and missed the light show, but Jarom was able to take Isaac and Audrey on a couple more rides and I was able to see lots of families having a much better time than ours.

 

The next day, I had a few ideas for activities to do, but I was still upset over the first day going so wrong, so I asked Jarom to decide what activity we would do - the zoo, tar pits, aquarium, beach, whatever.  He took the older kids swimming, then came back to the room and the kids watched tv and napped and relaxed.  I was hoping for a little more adventure, but everyone else enjoyed relaxing and taking it easy. 

Day three, Nathan and Julie let us use the 3rd day of their 3-day park hopper pass and we decided to give Disneyland one more try - this time to the Disneyland park.  We talked with Emilie and reminded her how much fun she had last time, and she seemed to have a better attitude.  Sure enough, we were able to go on a few more rides and were able to kind of salvage our Disney experience.

 The last full day was spent with Grandma and our California cousins.  We had a fun lunch at Don Jose's followed by lots of pictures at the park behind Grandma's house.  I vaguely remember meeting some of them years ago at Grandpa's funeral, but it was nice to reconnect build some friendships.  It was also wonderful for the kids to spend time with Grandma - it was Dallin and Audrey's first visit to California and first chance to meet their great grandma!

Dallin's Week

Having a sick baby is heart-breaking.  They can't tell you what they need, they can't tell you where they hurt, they just look at you with those big blue eyes and you just know that something's not right.  That's how it's been with Dallin this week.

On Sunday, my sweet little 5-month old woke up with an old man smoker cough.  It wasn't horribly frequent, and he didn't seem too bothered otherwise, so I didn't think too much of it.  By Monday morning, I could hear crackling and wheezing too, so I took him in to see his pediatrician Monday afternoon.  She could also hear the wheezing and crackling, but said it didn't seem too serious yet. She tried an Albuterol nebulizer treatment to see if that would lessen the wheezing, but it didn't make any significant changes.  She sent us home with instructions to come back if his condition got worse.

Not more than five minutes after arriving home, Audrey started to complain that her ears were hurting - go figure, so first thing Tuesday morning, we took her in to verify that she had an ear infection.  While we were there, the doctor listened to Dallin and sure enough, he sounded a little bit better.  The rest of the day, he continued coughing and crackling a little bit, but he seemed to be getting better, until right before bed when he threw up.

As soon as he woke up on Wednesday morning, I could tell that he was getting worse.  His coughs were not as strong, as if he were getting tired of working. After his morning feeding, he threw up again. I took him back to the doctor (trip #3!) and his condition was getting worse.  Now his breathing rate was getting elevated and his wheezing was getting worse.  We did another breathing treatment and some deep suctioning, and this time it helped his breathing rate come down a little bit.  

 We went home, and I tried to feed him, but he was just too tired to eat.  He just wanted to sleep and could hardly keep his eyes open.  Within a couple hours, his fever spiked up to 103 degrees and he was lethargic.  I took him right back to the doctor and she could see that he had taken a turn for the worse.  She did another deep suctioning treatment and put him on oxygen.  It was pretty obvious that he was going to need to go to the hospital for more intense care, so we started talking about going to Riverton Hospital for observation, but his breathing rate kept getting higher and his condition was getting critical.  The doctor ordered ambulance transportation with paramedics to Primary Children's Medical Center.  Before I knew what was going on, a group of 6 or 7 EMT's and paremedics rush into the room and I got Dallin ready for his little ride.  They asked if I wanted to ride in the ambulance or follow in my car.  I couldn't bear the thought of not being next to my little man, so I left my car at the clinic and hopped in next to Dallin.

At this point, I'm having total deja vu from Isaac's bout with RSV right before his 3rd birthday.  He had very similar symptoms and also had to be transported via ambulance from the doctors office up to Primary.  I remember the conversation with the EMT while in the ambulance reassuring me that he was going to be just fine, they didn't even need to turn the lights on.  She said that when the lights are on, you know it's serious.

So as soon as I climbed in with Dallin, then saw the lights blaring and siren wailing, I knew that things were serious.  His breating rate was over 100 breaths per minute, where it should be between 40-50.  He was working so hard to breath, they were expecting him to just quit at any minute, so the paramedic assured me that if that happened, he would be able to resuscitate him and keep him alive.  (AT THIS POINT I AM FREAKING OUT!!!) 

As soon as we get to the ER, they put him on the exam table, get him assessed, and start an IV to get him hydrated and give him some Tylenol to reduce his fever.  Within the hour, his heart rate was slowing down and he started to perk up a little bit.  They swabbed his nose to see what was making him sick and ran a bunch of blood tests.  A couple hours later, it came back that he has RSV and pneumonia!  I had suspected RSV, but it was different from our previous experience with RSV because he wasn't having the copious mucous secretions that are one of the tell-tale signs of the disease.  But the pneumonia helps explain the coughing fits and why his disease progressed the way it did.  One of the blood tests measured how much carbon dioxide was in his blood to see how well his lungs were functioning, and since his numbers came back good, he didn't need to be in the ICU.

By about 10pm, we were taken to his room and met with a handful of doctors that went over his condition.  He started antibiotics for the pneumonia, and supplemental oxygen to give his lungs a rest, and by morning, he was feeling a lot better.  The criteria for being able to come home were 1. to not need deep suctioning, and thank goodness, his mucous was not a problem. 2. be able to eat, and during the night, he nursed ever few hours and was able to have satisfactory urinary output, and 3. be able to breathe with a half liter of oxygen.  Since he was able to do all those things, we were on our way home by lunch time. 

My sweet brother Chris was able to give us a ride from the hospital back to the van so we could take our car home.  Dallin is still on oxygen and will be for a week or so.  He's still coughing and not feeling very good, but at least I am able to feel confident in my ability to take care of him. 

I'm grateful that I had  been through a similar experience with Isaac nearly five years ago so I knew what signs to look for, and I'm so glad that I listened to my gut feeling to take Dallin back to the doctor for the 4th time, just hours after being there before.  I knew that I was not able to help him feel better and that he needed more help. 

I am also humbled by how wonderful everyone was taking care of my sweet boy.  In D&C 18:10, we learn that the worth of souls is great in the sight of God.  Well, last night, I was pretty amazed when the cavalry showed up to take Dallin to the hospital.  All those medical professionals cared enough about the health of my sweet baby boy to take him to the hospital as quickly and safely as possible.  He's also worth enough for all the commuters coming home during rush out to get out of our way so that we could get my son where he needed to go.  Even though it was dark outside and I was looking out the back of the ambulance, I could see that people were getting out of our way so that we could drive as quickly as possible.   Yep, my son is worth all that fuss, because he's pretty darn special.

Welcome, Dallin!

It's been an embarrassingly long time since I've done journaling of any sort, so I figure it's better to just pick up and go forward instead of dwelling on my ever growing list of imperfections.  But before my memory fades too much, I need to recount a few important events of this past year, most notably, the birth of little Dallin.

I've known for a couple years that a little boy was still meant to join our family, and I knew his name would be Dallin.  I thought when we got pregnant with Audrey that she was him, but of course when we found out she was girl, I knew that our family would not be complete until he was here.  We had originally talked about starting to try to get pregnant some time this year, a process that usually includes a lot of medication and patience, but once again, I was reminded that I am not in charge of my life, but God is.  In January, I started getting sick and having strange symptoms, prompting Jarom to ask me to take the Lasagna Test.  I don't have many food aversions while pregnant, but for some reason, I don't like lasagna.  Something about the tomato sauce and cheese that does not sit will with me, when I otherwise adore lasagna.  So sure enough, I made lasagna, and had a hard time!  So that night, in disbelief, I took a pregnancy test and sure enough, was pregnant.

Since it was such a surprise, I had no idea how far along I was, so I went to the doctor for an ultrasound, expecting to be maybe 6-7 weeks along, and was expecting to see a little gummy bear.  But as soon as the baby showed up on the screen, I could see little arms and legs flailing around and I knew that I was much farther along than I first guessed, more like 11 weeks at that point!  A few weeks later, I had a Shirodkar cerclage placed and we were well under way.

The pregnancy itself was pretty awful.  With the more invasive cerclage, I was in a lot more pain than usual, plus Audrey was still very (VERY) young and I was doing my best to keep up with her and the older kids.  I was a frequent visitor to the ER including a very expensive and not very fun ambulance ride.

At 35 weeks and 5 days, Sunday, August 5, 2012, I was having another hard day.  I stayed home from church and rested while Jarom took the kids.  After church, we went to Michele's for dinner with the family, and as soon as she saw me, Michele suggested I turn right around and get to the hospital.  I didn't eat anything in case I would deliver, even though Michele made a yummy cake for the August birthdays. Since Dallin was due August 28th, it was pretty certain that he would be born at least some time in the month, we sang to Gevin and Baby Hatch (not knowing that it would turn out to be his birthday!).  After everyone was done eating, Gennelyn followed us home to watch the kids so I could get my things, then Jarom took me to the hospital.

Within an hour of arriving, I was in the OR being prepped for my c-section.  The way the light was positioned, I was able to see the procedure and watched, fascinated, as my sweet little baby boy was born.  Even a month early, he was still 7 lbs. 6 oz. and 21 inches long.  He was adorable and had the sweetest cry!

The kids were so excited to meet their new little brother, ESPECIALLY Isaac!  He loved his brother from the first moment he laid eyes on him, if not sooner, and is still the best big brother a kiddo could ever hope to have.

Dallin is nearly four months old now and is such a good baby!  He has a very calm demeanor and is just happy to be there.  He eats constantly and poops all the time, and I adore him.  Here are his monthly pics:

 

 

Spring Break

With Spring Break this week, I've been trying to get out of the house more and do fun stuff with the kids.  Monday, we went to the zoo (the pictures from that are on Jarom's phone, so eventually I'll get those from him and post them too).  Then on Tuesday we went to the Bean Museum at BYU with some friends.  The kids saw so many exotic animals this week, both dead and alive!

 Cute troop of kids: Kaleb, Katie, Mason, Emilie, and Isaac.  Notice how all the kids have such sweet smiles - except for Isaac's growl?  Yup, that would be my kiddo.

 Playing in the play room. And of course, Isaac found a truck.  Just shocking.

 Audrey was such a trooper being dragged all over the place!

I just love Emilie's smile, this little girl melts my heart daily!