It was 6:30 this morning, I had already gotten up once to feed a crying little girl a few hours before, and I now had my spunky little two year old lying next to me in my bed, tossing and turning. I didn't fall asleep last night until well past midnight, thanks to some neighbors who thought throwing a part late into the night was a good idea. And, it probably was. They don't have kids. Don't think we didn't think about sending our children outside to play, bright and early this morning, as payback.
Needless to say, I was already on edge from the day before. A day full of parenting...to myself, or so it seemed. Everything I asked my child not to do, was done, on repeat. I was speaking to a broken record all day. Everyone always comments on how well he speaks for his age. On how well he annunciates his words. On how smart he is. And, how driven he is for a two year old. It's great. In fact, I LOVE that I can have conversations with that boy that typically make sense. I do. But with that comes a whole lot of sass. I mean a WHOLE lot of sass. I get it, he's my child. Enough said. But boy do I feel like a helpless parent most days.
Anytime I get mad at him, he breaks down into full fledged crying, and then tells me "I need a hug" and "be happy mom, where is your happy face?" If I ask him to stop doing something, he literally looks at me and does it again, and again, and AGAIN! When I give him options, he changes the options to the things he wants to do. When I tell him to eat his dinner or he has to go straight to bed, he always shouts, "NO BED AND NO DINNER!" and runs away screaming. More often then not if I start counting (he knows at three he gets a spanking) it works, but I HATE having to count.
Whenever I apologize to people for his behavior, I always get the "It's just his age" response. Yet, I've yet to see other kids his age acting this way. Please show me some so I feel better.
We rarely get a babysitter because I've been scarred by the fact that I know people don't like watching my children, even when they're both in bed before we leave...he always knows we're gone and wakes up. And lets be honest, there is so much personality from my child that even I have a hard time handling, I can only imagine how well it goes over for a 13 or 14 year old. Actually, I already know, because they always tell me how he undermines everything they ask him to do. As hard as I've tried to teach manners, and to respect adults, he just doesn't care. When I tell him I'm the mom and I'm in charge, it's always followed by a profound "No, I'M in charge!" To which he then tries to boss me around. If I ask him if he wants a spanking, he turns the question right around and tells me he's going to give me one instead. Writing this all out is kind of humorous, I realize. I mean, the kid isn't even three yet. But gee whiz, I feel like I'm going to lose it on most days.
In his defense, he really can be the sweetest, cutest, and funniest little boy to be around. His sense of humor is my favorite, and his laugh is contagious. I love that boy. But I'd be lying if I didn't say there are lots of days when I wish I could find him a new mom for awhile. You can read that with extreme sarcasm or not, because either way is probably correct.
This morning, while he tossed and turned next to me in bed and wouldn't fall back to sleep, and was so loud he woke up his sister, I day dreamed of my single days, living in DC. My mind went back to the days of sharing a room with my sister and sleeping in a twin bed. A twin bed that seemed far more roomy than my king this morning. I imagined getting up early, not because I had to, but because I wanted to. It all seemed so glamourous.
Did I choose this life? Absolutely. I chose to be a mom, and with it I chose the good, the bad, and the ugly. And listen, my life has a lot of ugly some days. But I know I can handle all of the "fun" that gets thrown at me. Of course I can. I mean, in the midst of being super annoyed at my crazy child this morning, I overheard him singing "I am a Child of God" to himself while I was doing dishes, and my heart melted a little. It's crazy how much I can love a little person, a little person who drives me crazy most of the time. Like literally drives me crazy. Yet I love him so much it hurts.
I haven't had a real break from him (or being a parent in general) in almost three years. I've never been away from him for more than a few hours. And let's get it straight, being in the hospital to have another baby doesn't actually count as a break from being a parent. It's no wonder he and I get on each others nerves. And it's no wonder that even though when he has naps, and then won't go to bed until almost 10pm most nights, I still NEED nap time. It's my only break, well, that is if both kids decide to sleep at the same time, which isn't actually happening lately. But nonetheless, I need nap time because I need an hour or two of sanity in my day.
So, if anyone bored themselves long enough to read my little pity party for myself, congratulations. I'm impressed. If anyone has awesome parenting advice you'd care to share. Share away, but it better be awesome, or keep it to yourself! Kidding of course, but I'm all about awesome. And things that work. I kind of stink at being a mom I've decided. So, I'm all ears.
Also, if anyone is now convinced they want to watch my children for a week, in September, I'm taking applications. I told John we will be going on a birthday trip, sans children this year. I'm turning 30, and it's the only present I want.
