Take A Bow.

It's a great song, since i'm so emo, like every night. well God doesn't seem to want to let me off at night, but yea, eveyrthing that God puts me through, it's a test of endurance and something to prepare me for the future.

Oh SHIT. EMERY LIM WHERE THE HECK ARE YOU. omg. ok yes sleeping, cos its alr 5am in Australia -.- I NEED YOU NOW EMMSY.

ah fucccccckk. ok i'm so sorry to all my friends i sound so grossed out in my recent entries, but i rather just vent it all out here then scream infront of you guys, it'll be really much worse anyway.

well i met up with Val, Bing, & Laury for lunch after trng today. They cheered me up a whole lot, thanks babes. Laur was like,"Just go pursue your damn dream at Columbia in NewYork!" Haha, thanks! I'd really love to but i think it's just so impossible =X Parents, that's one factor, and admission criteria that's another factor. Gdness.
Then bing started mentioning LSE and i was like oh yea that rings a bell !

Anyways, since my parents are so reluctant to send me to the states, they started a conversation on London. HA, they can't be unwilling. Memories of london huh. Well London in my head is like the perfect place, that's if i'm as smart as my siblings who actually spent a hell of fabulous four years there. i havent seen the bad side of london. Okay what the hell am i talking about. I just checked the admission criteria for Economics at LSE, GDNESS ME. TRIPLES As, and A2 in MATH. OH GREAT.

Well what can i expect. i'm just an average student, whose grades would occasionally take a plunge down. Goodbye Columbia ):

It's not like any of the local Universities are actually 'easy' for me to secure a place in. ARGHHHH.
all the bad things just have to happen at the same time.
Right. i shouldn't be worrying about this, conquer A's, then conquer Unis. But i've to have a goal to work for WHAT. i need to explore schools that i can actually ENTER with my BRAINS.

okay i just comforted myself. Anw, thanks locust, it just so happened you msged me at an unearthly hour that i SO HAPPENED to be in a horrible mood ): but youre great.

training, lunch, home, golf.

Take A Bow.

``jamiepok chased till the end at 2.10am

bad morning.

yea i woke up to a horrible morning. was late for dental, ended up having to wait for an hour for my turn, and another 20mins for my dad to come pick me up cos there was some horrible jam at orchard road. great.
and then i started my fucking conversation again. sigh. i never really get angry and scream fuck all over my smses and to myself unless i'm really really fuming with smoke. right, i was about to explode, standing outside mandarin hotel. i seriously almost died of anger, of frustration, of tiredness, of confusion, of everything.

i just want to lead a normal life. i want it so badly. this makes me miss MG so much more. sitting at the canteen from 2pm to 9pm, studying my geog, doing some math, break chats with vally & friends, runs with cheryl ng & mu, "HI" & "BYES" to the teachers, and all those "nothing to worry about" things. love it.

i'm really wondering when will life make a turn. it's crazy how things haven't changed. hurhur.

anyways, trng ystd was allright, drills, drills, drills, mini matches. wednesday was physical but it wasn't as bad as i had expected it to be. maybe cos the weather was kinda great too. and there was a friendly soccer match between the guys and HC. t'was quite exciting when we stole glances and all of them trying to score goals. all the way AC ! (:

Rightos. my sister booked a facial appointment for me at 4pm today and i'm like OKAY i hope my face doesn't become SOREE?

Shit i've seriously gotta start on work. All ive been doing is just tuition work AT TUITION, and that's only for math. haven't started on the huge pile of work from the GP dept, nor the work from the Econs dept. GRRRR -.-
how bout i should really put in extra effort to stop failing physics. hate it mans!

usual cold rock dessert after trng and lunch with the hockers (:

EMERY LIM MEI YING ! have a great trip to australia and have fun while you're there okay. we're all certainly gna miss you like crazy, BIMBO! haha. love you !

``jamiepok chased till the end at 1.40pm

screw it.

yea i'm like how frikkin pissed off. there's no one bloody day that i'll just remained satisfied or happy or whatsoever. or maybe my expectations are too high.

okay fine i'm a bitch sometimes, or maybe most of the times. but who the hell can stand your ex-boyfriend being so possessive, demanding, and obsessed? Yea okay how about promises like, promise not to msg me until i start msging, promise not to make me cry again, promise to make me smile, promise to change, promise not to make me angry.

PROMISE THIS, PROMISE THAT. fuck.

i rather you don't make any promises at all than break them like the very next day, anyway it's not like i forced you to make any promises to me, you just initiated them and accepted some that i requested like a thousand years ago. FUCKKKKKK. so when i'm angry, he calls up, crying on the phone, begging me to accept his apology. what the hell am i supposed to do? slam down the phone and ignore it and pretended nothing happened? yea i really want to do that, but he'll just call back and scream why can't we settle this properly.

and you asked me why don't i ever reply your msges. Oh My Gawd. Get a life, seriously. Msges like,"msg me after your training can?" or msges like,"Guess you've ended trng now, don't take your lunch too late okay?" or like,"not sure whether you're asleep anot, but i just have to let you know that i still love you and i'll wait forever and i miss you, really."

"not sure whether you're asleep anot.." Msg sent at 410AM. BLOOODY FUCK why wouldn't i be sleeping ?!

okay. tell me what to do, someone?

why do i have to go through all this fucked up shit. okay i was getting there, Sister's rule applies, "just ignore him and he'll grow up." Fine, too bad i didn't listen, it's too late. i'm only a frikkin 17 year old kid and i've to answer questions like,"Can you give ourselves another chance in the future?"

RIGHT.

Yea you say you're just a bastard living by memories cos you can't have a life anymore. Oh, so you're living the rest of your life over something that happened within SEVEN MONTHS, and not SEVENTEEN YEARS? So i'm supposed to help YOU get over this by forcing MYSELF to love you ? I don't even msg my best friends everyday and i'm supposed to reply you like every hour or something.

This is all Satan's work, really. He's trying to make me hate you. I don't want to hate you at all. I don't, but what you do everyday, it just pisses me off and you saying that you can't live properly anymore cos you're sucha bastard just makes me hate myself too.

And you appearing at my gate at 330am is like, absurd. AOSDIJSAOIJO FUCK THE HELL WHY AM I GOING THROUGH THIS. I might as well kill myself.

I SERIOUSLY DO NOT WANT TO GIVE A FUCKING DAMN BUT I CAN'T. MY LIFE IS LIKE SO SHIT NOW I FEEL LIKE I'M LIVING IN A NIGHTMARE 24/7.

I DON'T BELIEVE I'M IN THIS STATE NOW WHEN I'M TAKING MY A LEVELS LIKE NEXT YEAR. A LEVELS, THE WORST EXAM EVER. 20 TIMES WORSE THAN PROMOS. FUCK.

``jamiepok screamed at 8.53am

moments treasured.

HAPPY BELATED BIRTHDAY, SHUSHU!

yes it was shuwen's birthday ystd and we had quite blast except that the weather was horrid initially. well at least the rain did chill the air abit so it was alright (:
supposed to have met up with emms, ferlica, & rachlok at holland v at 11am to prepare the picnic stuff and what not but there was some MISHAPS in between so we only met at ard 12 ! WELL i was gna be there at 1120 but no one was there so i dropped my dad off first and when i got to HV, i was still the earliest so i went to eat. HAHA.

rained and rained and rained. and we practically walked up and down holland v like FOUR TIMES -.- but it was all kinda worth it cos the birthday girl was extremely touched when she heard about all that we did and everything. awwwww. love you shushu ! (:

then we cabbed down to botanics to get ready for our picnic ! we told jaishree to help us stall for time and we ended up waiting for shushu for almost AN HOUR ! gdness ! haha. but we found a nice sheltered place in botanics, somewhere near the experiment labs! so kinda cam whored and what not and waited for shushu!
when she came, we saw her but she didn't see us so we ended up running around trying to hide from her so that we could give her a REAL surprise. lol.

ok time for pictures! it's taking super long to upload so most of the candid ones aint here.

we laid everything down before the QUEEN KHOO came.

party hats!







just fooling around!

MS BAMMS.

ms khoo shu wen !



MY TF ALWAYS ! <3!

YO!

WHOS !

the toilets are quite nice!

SHUSHU !

EMMSY !



some fighting yo!

okay it's a weeny bit retarded -.-

ooooohhh.

triplets maybe?

the lab !



we walked by swan lake !

the swans !

botanics yo!

then ard 6plus, ferlica and rach went home, shushu waited for her family to pick her up for their family dinner, and emmsy & i headed to Tanglin Mall to use the toilet and we ended up walking around for fun !

The Christmasy mood outside Tanglin Mall ! all the Soap !

YAO EMMSY !

HMMMMMM. haha.

this year's Christmas Decors are so beautiful ! love it.

at the stable !

emmsy.

okay this was last friday. HAPPY BELATED, SHUSHU!

done by rach lok !

SEXY LOVES !

okay sentosa photos another day, i'm kinda drained.

i read this in the prayer book for teens,
"Together with Christ, we are heirs of God's glory.
You are God's special child. It should give you great confidence to know that God created you for a purpose, has great plans for you, and promises to guide you. See each test and each assignment as God preparing you for a very special future."

Goodnight.

``jamiepok chased till the end at 1.39am

at the beach.

yaoooo. met up with joyce, jill, and kenneth koh at sentosa yesterday. okay it was a failed class outing so we just had our own fun. right. at first we had nothing to do cos we had NOTHING. so we persuaded zhongxian to come with xingkeng and mingxuan to come and they brought the volleyball along.

before they came, we rode the skyride and the luge ! jill tan is an embarrassment cos her slippers dropped the moment we went on the skyride -.- and it was really scary riding on it cos the thing just went higher, higher, and HIGHER. the luge was quite exciting too, especially at the turns ! hurhur.

oh and we walked all the way to rasa sentosa resort to use the toilet cos the siloso toilet was so packed and gross.
joyce and i have terrible sunburns on our arms ! grrr.

so we played a bit of volley when zx came. a basketball too -.- oh and the service at the trapizza is kinda horrid, or so we thought.

ANYWAYS, what a splurrrge. everything at sentosa is so expensive!
went back to vivo in the evening and i met emms for dinner at secret recipe while joyce, jill and kenneth headed for carl's. i had the lasagne and emmsy had her grilled fish with lobster sauce.

we spent quite a while in Diva where emms bought a ring. was comtemplating whether to get the new black necklace =X didnt in the end. lol. we sat outside ben&jerry's to have our mini htht while waiting for bingko to arrive. she came soon after and we continued with our htht. HAHA. emms and i got ourselves some ben&jerry's for dessert, bing bought NUTS -.-

t'was quite an awesome night spent with them both, just sitting in the open air of vivo and talking about everything. if only vally was there too. bing's parents dropped me off near my house and that's the end of ystd. loved it dearly (:

FRIDAY - had training in the morning, did the 400m sprints at the end. GRRRR. lunched at holland v's nydc and dessert at cold rock. gina left after lunch and rachlok went home after coldrock. so ferlica, shushu, emms and i went to town ! we were supposed to watch BRATZ ! but we went to borders to look for my gossip girl books and they were OUT OF STOCK. we ATE AGAIN, at mos burger. and we walked around? ferlica had to leave for piano.

so we went to kino and i bought 2 books ! emms bought THREE! haha. we both got really excited ! yes yes gossip girl i love you. we sat at kino for like 45 mins deciding whether we should buy.

and i ATE AGAIN, cinnamon sugar pretzel from auntie anne's -.- shushu ate her potata thing from MOS BURGER AGAIN. and we had DINNER NEXT. i felt like we were eating at every minute. haha.

shushu and i missed two 171s cos i thought i had lost my wallet but it was in my bad all the while. sorry shushu! AND, it turned out that shushu took emmy's shoebag home and emmsy took shushu's shoe bag home instead. LOL. OH and i met juu at the bustop too.

last tuesday, before mahjong at emmsy's house !

on the bus. love y'all !

hockers!

OKAY BLOGGGER'S BEING AN ASS ! IT REFUSES TO UPLOAD ANYMORE OF MY PHOTOS SO I'LL UPLOAD LATER ON. GTG FOR CHURCH NOW. BYE.

there's no blood, there's no alibi.
cos i've drawn regret, from the truth of a thousand lies,
so let mercy come, and wash away
what i've done, i'll face myself.

``jamiepok chased till the end at 5.45pm

history is back

yea history's repeating itself AGAIN and again. but instead of crying to myself like an insane girl, i'm gna take it lightly. i'm not used to it yet, but i'll eventually get used to life like that, like i said before.

thanks to all for the nice cheer-me-up tags. but life will just go on the same. i'm sick and tired of going through the same thing over and over again.
it's crazy how i'm wishing school would start earlier so that i'd drown all these unhappiness away. or how i'm wishing hockey would never stop so that i'll keep my mind focussed on it everyday. it's madness.

emmsy we're in this whole shit together, and please stop believing it's a SIGN from that samsung phone of yours -.- loveyou.

oh yea speaking of phones, my mum got her new n81 today, the one that i initially wanted =X then she got me the sony W910i which i thought was kinda sucky but it turned out okay in the end. so i'm happy for that. new phone, cool. but it's some lee hom phone so the default wallpaper and screensaver was his face and it kinda gave me a shock for a split second -.-

and pam's right, i hate it that you're so fucking weak, not what a boy should be, or at least not what you should be. ending one's life aint gna solve any of the problems, but instead, leaving me to handle them on my own. fuck.

qad, thanks for giving me the mentalstrength there.

training tmr. let's hope friday will be great. well it better be, cos its hockey day and lunch with fellow hockers. and saturday will be day at sentosa with the class. yummy.

``jamiepok chased till the end at 2.06am

EMMSY'S HOUSE.

YO YO YO YO !! we're all at emmsy's house now. SHUSHU FERLICA ME AND EMMSY. haha. sorry for the lack of update! cos my damned internet is down, so i'm using emmsy's comp now :D haha.

ferlica, gina and i are gg down to mg later to drop by the guides' campfire. Ha.
let's upload some photos yo.

MY TWIN SHUSHU!

SHUSHU WAS CLIMBING EMMSY'S GATE!

SHUSHU AND EMMS!

who's the girl yo!

havaianas yaoo.

and we watched MVP QING REN !! HA.

(okay this was last tuesday at emms's house too)

EMMSY'S ARTISTIC SHOT.

at the playgroundd.

okay emmsy was the photographer most of the time. heh.

AND WE NED TO GO NOW!! shushu stop staring at the screen :D
i guess i'm getting used to life now.
whateverrrr.
okay bye.

``jamiepok chased till the end at 6.19pm

IT REALLY SUCKS TO THE CORE. IT REALLY SUCKS.
i was walking home just now and my tears just flowed. i couldn't control. i'm still wondering why am i put into this fucking situation.
i spent a happy day with my friends but as soon as i left emmsy's house with shushu, things turned bad. i just wish i had my friends around me 24/7.
Shushu says to not let things affect my mood. but i can't. i really can't.

this whole fucked up thing is just screwing my life and I BLOODY HELL HATE IT.
my days are just getting worse and worse.
if only my sister didn't have to work so hard everyday at the office. i just want to run up to her and give her a big hug.

there's not a single day where i can just stay contented throughout. not even one. gone are the days where worries and fear are miles away. ALL GONE.

WHY THE HELL DO I HAVE TO TELL YOU WHO I MEET, WHERE I GO, WHAT I'M GNA DO, WHEN I'M FREE, WHAT I'M DOING NOW. WHO THE HELL ARE YOU? EVEN MY PARENTS DONT DO THAT. COS THEY KNOW ITS SO STUPID, ITS SO FUCKING DUMB COS THEY KNOW IT'LL BE DEPRIVING ME OF A FANTASTIC LIFE THAT I CAN HAVE.
I HATE BEING CONTROLLED. I HATE BEING INTERROGATED. I HATE LIFE. JUST KILL ME. I FEEL LIKE I'M SUFFOCATING EVERY SINGLE MINUTE NOW. FUCK.

9.21pm

walk with me

no one will ever understand what i'm going through. no one.
i can't believe history's repeating itself. is it just destined for me.
I REALLY CAN'T BELIEVE IT.

WHY DOES IT HAVE TO HAPPEN TO MEEEEEEEEE!? WTH DID I DO WRONG.

THIS IS THE FUCKING WORST STAGE IN MY LIFE.

Jesus please hold me, i can't and never will be able to carry on without you.

is there anything that will just numb me from all these nightmares? it just makes me cry. the candle flame comes back on, but gets blown out by the wind again. i hate it. i'm just gna train my heart's out tmr during hockey and kill this feeling inside of me now.

i didnt know life would be so tough. i just realised how CHILDHOOD and younger teenage days which were filled with innocence, were so much more joyful and carefree.

i wish i could ...

jamiepok chased till the end at 1.46pm