Aliens
Laughter.
Endless bickering.
It was just like old times.
Except... was it really?
Conversations these days revolve around which prof was being mean again, whose boyfriend is doing well in school and which project was doing a great job at sleep deprivation.
It was a world she was familiar with.
Somewhat.
Except in a different context.
Why do you get to do all the interesting/weird courses, she's asked.
That was partly why she didn't want to come back for good.
But those conversations came from a world she no longer understood.
It wasn't just that she no longer lived in the same country.
No, she didn't go to the same school as they did anymore.
Heck she didn't even go to school anymore.
How would she understand?
And how would they understand her passion for traveling the world, not to shop but to live for a while?
It didn't help that she was legally considered an alien in her other home.
Now she's an alien in this other familiar surroundings.
Her mind wanders back to the conversation earlier, and then back a little further to the first time she came back for a visit.
Already she felt slightly alienated from some of her best friends in the world.
But back then, he understood.
He was there.
She wonders if that was why she thought of him a little more when she's in this world.
But again, even if he made an appearance in this world again, he will not understand.
Her world did not revolve around make-up, grades and boyfriends.
Not that she minded the shallowness of the conversation.
Her mind drifted back to the lunch conversation she had the day before.
People who haven't traveled outside of their comfort zones will always have a small world view, she was reminded.
She understood the ignorance, oblivion and apathy.
She was that way too, until she begged for her eyes to be opened by the Master.
This was not her world anymore.
She was grateful for the one friend who understood why she felt the way she did.
But not many did.
Could she blame them?
Alone again.
Maybe that's why she's been craving that kind of companionship.
The companionship of someone who understood both her worlds.
Someone who could relate.
And someone who would travel to the world of the future with her.
The accomplice.
When will the accomplice make its appearance?
Saturday, December 29, 2007
Bright Lights, Faces of the City #2
Heartlanders...
You don't have to go if you don't want to, she's told.
After all, there's no real meaning for you to go anyway.
But she wanted to.
It was one of those times that reminded her of childhood.
Look at you! So grown-up now!
When did you get back from the States?
How long will you be here?
Why are you going back?
Is it really that much better there?
Are you doing well?
She smiles inside.
The uncle who had always been the clown of the family was now greying.
The baby cousin's voice is now breaking. Baby ... only to her now.
Fewer cousins are showing up to gatherings such as these. The informal, "you-don't-have-to-go" ones. After all, there was going to be another formal one tonight.
The one she had been looking forward to.
The one that would remind her of childhood once again.
The food was ok. Caterers aren't that great anymore these days.
The aunts and grand-aunts all look as though they still want to pinch her cheeks. But they stop short, realising she's no longer the little girl now.
As she steps into the elevator, she then realises she hadn't even seen the baby - the real reason for the whole get-together.
But it's ok.
It's not really about the baby.
It's about the celebration of life, of family.
You don't have to go if you don't want to, she's told.
After all, there's no real meaning for you to go anyway.
But she wanted to.
It was one of those times that reminded her of childhood.
Look at you! So grown-up now!
When did you get back from the States?
How long will you be here?
Why are you going back?
Is it really that much better there?
Are you doing well?
She smiles inside.
The uncle who had always been the clown of the family was now greying.
The baby cousin's voice is now breaking. Baby ... only to her now.
Fewer cousins are showing up to gatherings such as these. The informal, "you-don't-have-to-go" ones. After all, there was going to be another formal one tonight.
The one she had been looking forward to.
The one that would remind her of childhood once again.
The food was ok. Caterers aren't that great anymore these days.
The aunts and grand-aunts all look as though they still want to pinch her cheeks. But they stop short, realising she's no longer the little girl now.
As she steps into the elevator, she then realises she hadn't even seen the baby - the real reason for the whole get-together.
But it's ok.
It's not really about the baby.
It's about the celebration of life, of family.
Friday, December 28, 2007
Bright Lights, Faces of the City
People.
People everywhere.
The young Malay girl with her Tommy Hilfiger bag leaning against the parapet wall, looking up from her cellphone every once in a while to see if the train has arrived.
The older gentleman with his daily edition of Lian He Zao Bao, getting his dose of the news.
The double-dating couple in their matching outfits - girls with their flawless make-up, commenting on the flowers in the hands of one of the Hokkien-speaking boyfriend on his cellphone.
A few blonde heads in view above the crowd.
Expats, she thought, as she furiously typed her thoughts out on her cellphone.
She looks around, suddenly aware of the face less than five inches away from her.
Claustrophobia, she suddenly realises.
A tourist in her own country.
*** pause ***
The conversation over lunch plays back in her head as she continues typing on her phone.
To the rest of the world, she was just another young 'un. Just like the rest, busy SMS-ing, oblivious to her surroundings.
She was in her own world trapped somewhere over the Pacific.
Physically here, mentally there.
When will she settle?
And where?
*** pause ***
Her two worlds are fusing.
But the more fusion there is, the more unsettlement.
When both worlds existed on their own, it was easier to just be plucked out of one world and shoved into the next.
But when these worlds start merging, but are not exactly one yet, a feeling of being trapped in neither worlds sink in.
When will the reconciliation of both worlds happen?
When?
*** pause ***
Forgive me for making slow progress, she begs mentally.
I'm only allowed at most three weeks every year to relive the past.
To revisit the old haunts and let the healing fully sink in.
Trapped, again, in a time clearly belonging to the past, unable to completely heal.
She longs for friends... the friend she had gotten used to processing life with.
Wait,
Life in the other world.
What about this?
Is there someone to process life with in this world?
Who would understand?
*** pause ***
People.
People everywhere.
The two older men jogging.
The kids on the swing - yelling, screaming.
Childhood, she thinks, smiling to herself.
The blue sky, another reason to smile.
Wait.
Nobody smiles in public in this world.
The two Malay men, sitting under the shelter.
The group of teenage boys in their camo.
NCC or NS? she wonders. Probably NCC. They look too young for NS.
Heels sunk in the sand.
Crap. Forgot about the two seasons: hot and wet; hot and wetter
Will I run into his dad?
Will I even remember what he looks like?
She wonders.
Wait.
Why think of him when clearly he's already moved on?
Another stab.
Another one at the heart.
Another one at the healing process.
How long will this take?
She flags the bus.
Wow.
Strangely foreign, yet vaguely familiar.
She then realises she's lost her high school well-honed skill of typing an SMS without looking.
Sudden flashback to the MJ days of SMSing, even to the person just in the class next door.
Someone brought durian on the bus.
Damn.
What a bus ride down memory lane to SHPS days.
She realises she's writing for her US audience.
Physically here, mentally there.
When will she settle?
And where?
*** pause ***
TP young 'uns, she smiles to herself.
We were young 'uns once too.
Trapped in a time called In Between.
AKA the future, maybe?
No, she realises.
Not the future.
Just in between, hoping the future brings an answer to reconciliation.
In the meantime, it's a lone journey and she's looking for an accomplice.
Who will walk alongside?
Fusion of the worlds, hating the in-between.
Thinking of ...
Hoping to run into ...
Life should just be simple.
Like cellphones were before the fluff.
Phones should just be phones, not phone, camera, organizer, life.
But she likes using the SMS function - it allows typing this without being online 24/7.
No longer looking forward to Anderson, IN anymore.
*** pause ***
It is evening again.
The time of day she hates most.
Times for farewells after family days at the beach.
Times for the end of dates.
Times for warm milo and saltine crackers - bedtime snack before being put to bed at Grandma's while the sappy Chinese songs sung by some almost-famous singer on the variety shows.
Times for the 9 pm Chinese drama serial.
Times for sappy Chinese songs being blasted on the radio at the coffeeshop downstairs, reminding her of the scenes at Grandma's house - and more recently, scenes of ... someone.
Tonight might be her last night.
Her last night of 9 pm drama serials.
Her last night of 7 pm family dinners, complete with all the bickering.
Her last night of soaking in the malencholy of an evening at home.
Last night ... for the year.
Next year at this time, the anticipation begins all over again.
The journey happens all over again.
The emotions swing high and low all over again.
Such has been her way of life for the last four Christmases.
She wonders why she hasn't gotten used to it yet.
People everywhere.
The young Malay girl with her Tommy Hilfiger bag leaning against the parapet wall, looking up from her cellphone every once in a while to see if the train has arrived.
The older gentleman with his daily edition of Lian He Zao Bao, getting his dose of the news.
The double-dating couple in their matching outfits - girls with their flawless make-up, commenting on the flowers in the hands of one of the Hokkien-speaking boyfriend on his cellphone.
A few blonde heads in view above the crowd.
Expats, she thought, as she furiously typed her thoughts out on her cellphone.
She looks around, suddenly aware of the face less than five inches away from her.
Claustrophobia, she suddenly realises.
A tourist in her own country.
*** pause ***
The conversation over lunch plays back in her head as she continues typing on her phone.
To the rest of the world, she was just another young 'un. Just like the rest, busy SMS-ing, oblivious to her surroundings.
She was in her own world trapped somewhere over the Pacific.
Physically here, mentally there.
When will she settle?
And where?
*** pause ***
Her two worlds are fusing.
But the more fusion there is, the more unsettlement.
When both worlds existed on their own, it was easier to just be plucked out of one world and shoved into the next.
But when these worlds start merging, but are not exactly one yet, a feeling of being trapped in neither worlds sink in.
When will the reconciliation of both worlds happen?
When?
*** pause ***
Forgive me for making slow progress, she begs mentally.
I'm only allowed at most three weeks every year to relive the past.
To revisit the old haunts and let the healing fully sink in.
Trapped, again, in a time clearly belonging to the past, unable to completely heal.
She longs for friends... the friend she had gotten used to processing life with.
Wait,
Life in the other world.
What about this?
Is there someone to process life with in this world?
Who would understand?
*** pause ***
People.
People everywhere.
The two older men jogging.
The kids on the swing - yelling, screaming.
Childhood, she thinks, smiling to herself.
The blue sky, another reason to smile.
Wait.
Nobody smiles in public in this world.
The two Malay men, sitting under the shelter.
The group of teenage boys in their camo.
NCC or NS? she wonders. Probably NCC. They look too young for NS.
Heels sunk in the sand.
Crap. Forgot about the two seasons: hot and wet; hot and wetter
Will I run into his dad?
Will I even remember what he looks like?
She wonders.
Wait.
Why think of him when clearly he's already moved on?
Another stab.
Another one at the heart.
Another one at the healing process.
How long will this take?
She flags the bus.
Wow.
Strangely foreign, yet vaguely familiar.
She then realises she's lost her high school well-honed skill of typing an SMS without looking.
Sudden flashback to the MJ days of SMSing, even to the person just in the class next door.
Someone brought durian on the bus.
Damn.
What a bus ride down memory lane to SHPS days.
She realises she's writing for her US audience.
Physically here, mentally there.
When will she settle?
And where?
*** pause ***
TP young 'uns, she smiles to herself.
We were young 'uns once too.
Trapped in a time called In Between.
AKA the future, maybe?
No, she realises.
Not the future.
Just in between, hoping the future brings an answer to reconciliation.
In the meantime, it's a lone journey and she's looking for an accomplice.
Who will walk alongside?
Fusion of the worlds, hating the in-between.
Thinking of ...
Hoping to run into ...
Life should just be simple.
Like cellphones were before the fluff.
Phones should just be phones, not phone, camera, organizer, life.
But she likes using the SMS function - it allows typing this without being online 24/7.
No longer looking forward to Anderson, IN anymore.
*** pause ***
It is evening again.
The time of day she hates most.
Times for farewells after family days at the beach.
Times for the end of dates.
Times for warm milo and saltine crackers - bedtime snack before being put to bed at Grandma's while the sappy Chinese songs sung by some almost-famous singer on the variety shows.
Times for the 9 pm Chinese drama serial.
Times for sappy Chinese songs being blasted on the radio at the coffeeshop downstairs, reminding her of the scenes at Grandma's house - and more recently, scenes of ... someone.
Tonight might be her last night.
Her last night of 9 pm drama serials.
Her last night of 7 pm family dinners, complete with all the bickering.
Her last night of soaking in the malencholy of an evening at home.
Last night ... for the year.
Next year at this time, the anticipation begins all over again.
The journey happens all over again.
The emotions swing high and low all over again.
Such has been her way of life for the last four Christmases.
She wonders why she hasn't gotten used to it yet.
Tuesday, December 25, 2007
Trapped in a time called In Between
There is a time called the present.
And there is a time called the past.
The present is made up of the here and the now.
The post-graduation life.
The adult responsibilities.
The new friends.
The past is made up of childhood dreams.
The running around without a care.
The familiar surroundings.
The family and the old friends.
And there is a time called the In Between.
Where you are suspended between the past and the present.
Living in the past.
Longing for the present.
Yet not wanting to completely let go of the past.
There's a big part of me that Anderson, Indiana can never fill.
But there's an even bigger part of me that
even being back in Singapore does not completely fulfill either.
Trapped in a time called In Between.
And there is a time called the past.
The present is made up of the here and the now.
The post-graduation life.
The adult responsibilities.
The new friends.
The past is made up of childhood dreams.
The running around without a care.
The familiar surroundings.
The family and the old friends.
And there is a time called the In Between.
Where you are suspended between the past and the present.
Living in the past.
Longing for the present.
Yet not wanting to completely let go of the past.
There's a big part of me that Anderson, Indiana can never fill.
But there's an even bigger part of me that
even being back in Singapore does not completely fulfill either.
Trapped in a time called In Between.
Thursday, December 20, 2007
Random Thoughts...
Even if I never learnt anything else from your life,
I at least learnt about your ability to share.
Your living space
Your thoughts
Other material stuff...
But more importantly, your friends.
I'm glad she learnt that too
And shared that piece of you.
Even if you've never worn it,
I still like knowing I have a piece of you.
***stop***
Some days,
I wish
I could shut the music master in my head
And enjoy the moment.
Tonight
The music master yelled
- too many times -
"not in tune!"
at an elementary school concert.
And over that
The Joani Brandon-educated side yelled
"the music program at this school
could do a lot better!"
And went on to list the ways
the Feierabend method would have done it.
And over ALL of that,
I tried yelling
SHUT UP!
To no avail.
***fermata***
I think I've gained new respect
For
Kelly Clarkson.
Chills went down my spine
As I listened to Irvine.
It was an almost eerie feeling.
"Are you there?"
"Are you watching me?"
He's there.
He's watching me.
And all of a sudden,
All I can do is just cry
When I realise how close He really is.
He's not a spirit
Floating outside my window
Watching
Waiting for me to not pay attention
Then creep in and scare the hell out of me.
He's not an evil presence
Like the thief
Waiting to steal something from me.
He's not a shadow
Lurking in the dark
Stalking
Till I'm unaware
Then preying.
But more importantly,
He's not just in my heart.
Like the breeze
Caressing ever so gently
On a warm summer day.
Just enough to gently whisper
"I'm here to bring some ease to the heat."
Like the warm sunshine
On your nearly frost-bitten face.
Just enough to say
"I'll melt the ice around your heart
And help you feel again."
And suddenly
I'm at peace again.
Pre-conceived judgment of popular people
Stem from this root called jealousy.
Jealousy only hinders me
From giving them a chance.
***fine***
I think we're making progress.
Slowly, but surely.
Not the way I had expected.
But still, there's progress.
One of the many wise voices in my life was right.
Things will never be how it used to be.
But it can still be good.
***τέλος***
As for you,
I've been down this road before.
And I know how dangerous it can be.
So I'm not going to allow myself to fall again.
Non-committal.
And non-committal it shall be.
***完***
I at least learnt about your ability to share.
Your living space
Your thoughts
Other material stuff...
But more importantly, your friends.
I'm glad she learnt that too
And shared that piece of you.
Even if you've never worn it,
I still like knowing I have a piece of you.
***stop***
Some days,
I wish
I could shut the music master in my head
And enjoy the moment.
Tonight
The music master yelled
- too many times -
"not in tune!"
at an elementary school concert.
And over that
The Joani Brandon-educated side yelled
"the music program at this school
could do a lot better!"
And went on to list the ways
the Feierabend method would have done it.
And over ALL of that,
I tried yelling
SHUT UP!
To no avail.
***fermata***
I think I've gained new respect
For
Kelly Clarkson.
Chills went down my spine
As I listened to Irvine.
It was an almost eerie feeling.
"Are you there?"
"Are you watching me?"
He's there.
He's watching me.
And all of a sudden,
All I can do is just cry
When I realise how close He really is.
He's not a spirit
Floating outside my window
Watching
Waiting for me to not pay attention
Then creep in and scare the hell out of me.
He's not an evil presence
Like the thief
Waiting to steal something from me.
He's not a shadow
Lurking in the dark
Stalking
Till I'm unaware
Then preying.
But more importantly,
He's not just in my heart.
Like the breeze
Caressing ever so gently
On a warm summer day.
Just enough to gently whisper
"I'm here to bring some ease to the heat."
Like the warm sunshine
On your nearly frost-bitten face.
Just enough to say
"I'll melt the ice around your heart
And help you feel again."
And suddenly
I'm at peace again.
Pre-conceived judgment of popular people
Stem from this root called jealousy.
Jealousy only hinders me
From giving them a chance.
***fine***
I think we're making progress.
Slowly, but surely.
Not the way I had expected.
But still, there's progress.
One of the many wise voices in my life was right.
Things will never be how it used to be.
But it can still be good.
***τέλος***
As for you,
I've been down this road before.
And I know how dangerous it can be.
So I'm not going to allow myself to fall again.
Non-committal.
And non-committal it shall be.
***完***
I should be packing ...
Instead, I'm
.. sitting in my living room
.. talking to my mum
.. and listening to this
and missing someone whose ring I'm wearing.
and crying.
.. sitting in my living room
.. talking to my mum
.. and listening to this
and missing someone whose ring I'm wearing.
and crying.
Tuesday, December 18, 2007
Wow...
I guess with every blogger there comes a day where they may have to face their writings being read by someone they don't know. And I guess my day has come.
Lala, whoever you are, I appreciate your interest in my writing. I appreciate what you commented on my last entry of any importance at all as well. It is true, every small deed counts.
And with every "in-response" entry such as this, there comes a but. So here's my BUT.
My last entry was not meant to be a call to solving the problems of the world. Before you read any further, perhaps I should suggest that you take a step back and breathe a little. When it comes to things that we are passionate about, we are quick to jump in and defend our beliefs with anyone who even vaguely appears to disagree with us. That, I know too well because I would do it too. I still am having a hard time communicating with a "friend" of mine who told me he hates missionaries and that I should live with my head and not my heart.
We pick on little things and make a big deal out of it.
Again, I'm not saying that I disagree with what you said. No, I too believe that every small deed counts. Hence the reference to the starfish. I'd rather be the one picking up the starfish and putting them back into the sea than to be the one running around rallying others for help to help put the mass of starfishes back into the sea.
Maybe I should back up a little, in case you have never heard the reference of the starfish, of which that section of my last entry would obviously make no sense to you, hence the need for you to comment. Which in any case, I have made the disclaimer that sometimes I jump ahead of myself in my writing and end up not writing everything that ran through my head, for which I apologise.
And since I'm not a professional writer; rather one who blogs to process through life, I don't necessarily see the need to constantly explain myself. My blogs are to update my friends on what I'm doing and what I'm thinking about. And I am well aware that because this is on the web, there will be others who will read what I write. But here's the deal: I allow myself to jump ahead because people who know me well enough will figure out how I got to my next point without me having to do very much explaining. And in the same way, they understand the real point to each one of my entries most of the time.
Ok, so back to my point about the starfish.
There is a story about a man who was walking on the beach where a mass of starfishes had been swept up on the shore. In the distance, he saw another man, bending down every few steps to pick up a starfish and bringing it back to the ocean. He wandered over to the man to ask him why he was doing that because it would take forever and a day to put all the starfishes back into the ocean. "What difference would it make?" The man's response was "it makes a difference to that one that I just put back into the ocean."
That being said, my last entry, again, was not a call to solve the problems of the world. I didn't offer any solutions because I don't have any. I don't dream big dreams because I'm not a leader. I'm a follower. But when there is no leader for a cause that I'm passionate about, I do it my own way and I don't preach. I don't believe that we are all made to travel across many seas to fight the AIDS pandemic in Africa. Nor do I believe that we are all called to minister to the hungry ones in our backyard. No, I believe that we are all called to different things.
1 Corinthians 12:12 says that,"The body is a unit, though it is made up of many parts; and though all its parts are many, they form one body. So it is with Christ." If we are all in Africa fighting AIDS, who is working to reach the lost in the secular world? And who will provide funding for the ones working in Africa?
That being said, the last entry was not an attempt to champion a cause for poverty or social justice. If you really had to put it into some category, it would more likely fall into the category of a "think-aloud" about the politics in a structured, organised church.
And if you still find something that you disagree with, then I apologise. I cannot make you see things from my point of view. But I hope you are at peace with your beliefs, as I am with mine.
Lala, whoever you are, I appreciate your interest in my writing. I appreciate what you commented on my last entry of any importance at all as well. It is true, every small deed counts.
And with every "in-response" entry such as this, there comes a but. So here's my BUT.
My last entry was not meant to be a call to solving the problems of the world. Before you read any further, perhaps I should suggest that you take a step back and breathe a little. When it comes to things that we are passionate about, we are quick to jump in and defend our beliefs with anyone who even vaguely appears to disagree with us. That, I know too well because I would do it too. I still am having a hard time communicating with a "friend" of mine who told me he hates missionaries and that I should live with my head and not my heart.
We pick on little things and make a big deal out of it.
Again, I'm not saying that I disagree with what you said. No, I too believe that every small deed counts. Hence the reference to the starfish. I'd rather be the one picking up the starfish and putting them back into the sea than to be the one running around rallying others for help to help put the mass of starfishes back into the sea.
Maybe I should back up a little, in case you have never heard the reference of the starfish, of which that section of my last entry would obviously make no sense to you, hence the need for you to comment. Which in any case, I have made the disclaimer that sometimes I jump ahead of myself in my writing and end up not writing everything that ran through my head, for which I apologise.
And since I'm not a professional writer; rather one who blogs to process through life, I don't necessarily see the need to constantly explain myself. My blogs are to update my friends on what I'm doing and what I'm thinking about. And I am well aware that because this is on the web, there will be others who will read what I write. But here's the deal: I allow myself to jump ahead because people who know me well enough will figure out how I got to my next point without me having to do very much explaining. And in the same way, they understand the real point to each one of my entries most of the time.
Ok, so back to my point about the starfish.
There is a story about a man who was walking on the beach where a mass of starfishes had been swept up on the shore. In the distance, he saw another man, bending down every few steps to pick up a starfish and bringing it back to the ocean. He wandered over to the man to ask him why he was doing that because it would take forever and a day to put all the starfishes back into the ocean. "What difference would it make?" The man's response was "it makes a difference to that one that I just put back into the ocean."
That being said, my last entry, again, was not a call to solve the problems of the world. I didn't offer any solutions because I don't have any. I don't dream big dreams because I'm not a leader. I'm a follower. But when there is no leader for a cause that I'm passionate about, I do it my own way and I don't preach. I don't believe that we are all made to travel across many seas to fight the AIDS pandemic in Africa. Nor do I believe that we are all called to minister to the hungry ones in our backyard. No, I believe that we are all called to different things.
1 Corinthians 12:12 says that,"The body is a unit, though it is made up of many parts; and though all its parts are many, they form one body. So it is with Christ." If we are all in Africa fighting AIDS, who is working to reach the lost in the secular world? And who will provide funding for the ones working in Africa?
That being said, the last entry was not an attempt to champion a cause for poverty or social justice. If you really had to put it into some category, it would more likely fall into the category of a "think-aloud" about the politics in a structured, organised church.
And if you still find something that you disagree with, then I apologise. I cannot make you see things from my point of view. But I hope you are at peace with your beliefs, as I am with mine.
Sunday, December 16, 2007
Looking back #2...
Somehow, something happened over the course of this year. I can't put my finger to it, but my view of the world, of God, of people, of theology, of ... almost anything and everything has changed.
And if I think about it a little more, I think it didn't just happen because of what happened to Keren. I think it happened before that. But Keren's accident just unleashed the cynicism, the blunt honesty and everything that went against the legalistic "rights" that I've been influenced by.
Somehow, something happened over the course of this year.
And if I think about it a little more, I think it didn't just happen because of what happened to Keren. I think it happened before that. But Keren's accident just unleashed the cynicism, the blunt honesty and everything that went against the legalistic "rights" that I've been influenced by.
Somehow, something happened over the course of this year.
Is that a light I see?
Hmm.... I just realised that despite how hard it is for me to sit in meetings and will myself not to reach up and pull all my hair out, I'm actually kind of glad that there's still something that bugs me and puts me out of my comfort zone. And I'm still being challenged in the mundane tasks of the office job.
Wow. How great is our God?
"Would you rather use your voice to praise God or change the world?" - Cumberbatch.
Wow. How great is our God?
"Would you rather use your voice to praise God or change the world?" - Cumberbatch.
What about the poorest of the poor?
After a whole weekend of rest, I guess I'm ready to start writing about stuff that's been nagging on my mind this week.
A few disclaimers first:
1) I'm writing to process, not writing to argue. So let me just write out my thoughts and see where this leads.
2) I have a tendency to think faster than I type, so if I jump ahead of myself and skip a few thoughts, pardon me. If you want to hear the in-between thoughts, ask.
Ok now that that's done, let me say that I love my job. Really, I do. Granted I hate the slow, nothing-to-do days, but mostly, I love my job.
But I also know that this is not where I can stay for long. As much as I like it, I can't stay here for longer than after I get done with seminary.
Why, you ask?
Well, a few reasons...
1) I can't stay indoors for so long. It will drive me nuts. My moments of joy come from running errands over at AU for Don and Cheryl; conversations with Amanda, sometimes Joyce, and now Cayla, and the few occasions when Ryan comes in. But I just can't sit still indoors all day.
2) The job doesn't challenge me enough. Sure, I get a sense of satisfaction whenever I get a mailing done, but that's about it. I always feel like there's no place for me to have any theological discussions with anyone (save for Amanda, but that's a different story) and that nothing I say will be thought-provoking to anyone. They'd all just brush it off with "oh, she's still young." Damn the "she's still young." I long for more of an adventure. My heart belongs out there, not confined into the four walls of Church of God Ministries.
Which brings me to my third reason, and the main point of today's rant.
Yes, my heart belongs out there. I've said it. It's longing to be set free from the legalism of the structured, organised Church. But if I want to be out there, I guess I have to serve my time of preparation first. Which, I guess my 3 years at Church of God Ministries and 2 years of seminary work would probably suffice.
What has this got to do with my job frustrations, you ask.
Well, here's the thing. I'm starting to realise that this organisation that I'm working for isn't what I thought it to be. It's not a good or bad thing; it's just that with every ministry job, there will always be frustrations over theological interpretations. And no job comes without frustrations - that I know too well.
But here's my issue: what if there is a conflict of interest? What if their theological interpretation is different from mine?
Here's the main issue that's been bugging me all week.
Since Dr Duncan held the meeting with the Kingdom Ministries Team earlier in the week to "brainwash" us on the five strategic goals, the micro and macro views and all that, it's been starting to bug me. In fact, since the first time I heard about the five strategic goals, I've been a little apprehensive. But it wasn't until the Global Missions staff meeting on Friday that it hit me.
I don't agree with them.
Yes, it's important to have goals. There's nothing wrong with the five strategic goals. No, in fact, I do think that the goals were made rather wisely (although if I sat down and analysed it further, the cynic in me is bound to find something trivial that I have an issue with). But I almost feel like the emphasis has been placed so much on the goals that the other stuff are overlooked. It's almost like planning a centennial birthday party for the matriarch of the family, but when the birthday itself rolls along and the party's ready to get started, the matriarch is still in bed, not knowing the party's been planned for her.
Sure, it's important to have committees taking care of the streamers, the food, the invitations and all that. But what about the main person that the party is for? Have we overlooked her?
At our staff meeting on Friday, the conversation revolved around the micro and the macro aspects that Dr Duncan had brought up. His point was that most of us in the office work on the micro level, where we deal with the everyday things, like mailing, payroll and that stuff. But sometimes we forget that there's a bigger picture out there that if we just stepped back a little from our offices or desks, we will see the greater work that we are doing. I'm not really sure how that is supposed to apply to everyone in the office but I'm not opposing that in any way. Maybe if I just continue to silently watch and learn, I'll figure out what he really means.
But here's the thing. It is said that we think too much about the micro that we neglect the macro. What about the ministries that we do? Are we focusing too much on the macro that we neglect the micro?
Let me talk about Global Missions, since that's where my heart and passion lies, and that's where I work and know some of the ins and outs of that ministry.
We send missionaries all around the world. Looks great on the outside.
These missionaries are sent to do leadership training. Still looks good on the outside.
Then what happens when someone comes along and wants to be sent through Global Missions to work for social justice causes rather than to do leadership training? They get a gentle pat on the back and are told, "Young one, we admire your passion and we recognise the need for such people. But around here, we don't do that. Let us send you along to a different organisation we know of that sends people to do what you want to do."
So what does that say?
I understand that there are risks involve in starting a new branch of ministry. I understand that there are other projects that we have now that desperately need funding. And it would be a big risk if we sent someone to start a new project and then it flops. And all the funding that could have gone to a more desperate cause would have gone down the drain. Yes, I understand all that. And I had made peace with that already. Or at least, tried to patiently wait and see if there was something more that I didn't quite understand.
I also understand that it is important for us to just send missionaries there to train leaders, and not to change their way of life. But if we are only sending missionaries there to train leaders to bring about spiritual growth, yet neglecting the most basic human needs, what good are we really doing?
But then now the tables are turned. We are told to look at things from the macro perspective and not just stick to the micro. But what about the ministries around the world? Are we doing too much macro stuff that we have neglected the micro - the poorest of the poor? Yes, there may be others who are spiritually poor. But there are the ones who are both spiritually and physically poor. What are we doing for them?
And so, with all my frustrations, I sit here and type this. What can I really do?
As someone once pointed out to me pretty recently, when you look around the world and see so much going on around you, you can't help but feel so small and helpless. What can I as one individual do to change the world? There will always be poverty even if I gave up my lunch for the homeless person in my neighbourhood. I can get into the medical profession to do more research on AIDS, but what can I really achieve?
It may be true that I, as one individual, cannot do very much to change the world. But if I had the option, I would rather make a difference to that one starfish than to go rally for help so that we can save all the starfishes. I wonder if, by the time I get back from rallying for help, it would be too late to save even one starfish.
I'm not saying that I object to what Church of God Ministries is doing. But it just makes me sit and wonder. There probably is a lot more that I have to learn before I can understand why we are functioning the way we are. And until I've finally proven that I really, truly disagree with the way we do things, I'll just sit and watch, and hopefully learn a thing or two about doing things on the macro level.
A few disclaimers first:
1) I'm writing to process, not writing to argue. So let me just write out my thoughts and see where this leads.
2) I have a tendency to think faster than I type, so if I jump ahead of myself and skip a few thoughts, pardon me. If you want to hear the in-between thoughts, ask.
Ok now that that's done, let me say that I love my job. Really, I do. Granted I hate the slow, nothing-to-do days, but mostly, I love my job.
But I also know that this is not where I can stay for long. As much as I like it, I can't stay here for longer than after I get done with seminary.
Why, you ask?
Well, a few reasons...
1) I can't stay indoors for so long. It will drive me nuts. My moments of joy come from running errands over at AU for Don and Cheryl; conversations with Amanda, sometimes Joyce, and now Cayla, and the few occasions when Ryan comes in. But I just can't sit still indoors all day.
2) The job doesn't challenge me enough. Sure, I get a sense of satisfaction whenever I get a mailing done, but that's about it. I always feel like there's no place for me to have any theological discussions with anyone (save for Amanda, but that's a different story) and that nothing I say will be thought-provoking to anyone. They'd all just brush it off with "oh, she's still young." Damn the "she's still young." I long for more of an adventure. My heart belongs out there, not confined into the four walls of Church of God Ministries.
Which brings me to my third reason, and the main point of today's rant.
Yes, my heart belongs out there. I've said it. It's longing to be set free from the legalism of the structured, organised Church. But if I want to be out there, I guess I have to serve my time of preparation first. Which, I guess my 3 years at Church of God Ministries and 2 years of seminary work would probably suffice.
What has this got to do with my job frustrations, you ask.
Well, here's the thing. I'm starting to realise that this organisation that I'm working for isn't what I thought it to be. It's not a good or bad thing; it's just that with every ministry job, there will always be frustrations over theological interpretations. And no job comes without frustrations - that I know too well.
But here's my issue: what if there is a conflict of interest? What if their theological interpretation is different from mine?
Here's the main issue that's been bugging me all week.
Since Dr Duncan held the meeting with the Kingdom Ministries Team earlier in the week to "brainwash" us on the five strategic goals, the micro and macro views and all that, it's been starting to bug me. In fact, since the first time I heard about the five strategic goals, I've been a little apprehensive. But it wasn't until the Global Missions staff meeting on Friday that it hit me.
I don't agree with them.
Yes, it's important to have goals. There's nothing wrong with the five strategic goals. No, in fact, I do think that the goals were made rather wisely (although if I sat down and analysed it further, the cynic in me is bound to find something trivial that I have an issue with). But I almost feel like the emphasis has been placed so much on the goals that the other stuff are overlooked. It's almost like planning a centennial birthday party for the matriarch of the family, but when the birthday itself rolls along and the party's ready to get started, the matriarch is still in bed, not knowing the party's been planned for her.
Sure, it's important to have committees taking care of the streamers, the food, the invitations and all that. But what about the main person that the party is for? Have we overlooked her?
At our staff meeting on Friday, the conversation revolved around the micro and the macro aspects that Dr Duncan had brought up. His point was that most of us in the office work on the micro level, where we deal with the everyday things, like mailing, payroll and that stuff. But sometimes we forget that there's a bigger picture out there that if we just stepped back a little from our offices or desks, we will see the greater work that we are doing. I'm not really sure how that is supposed to apply to everyone in the office but I'm not opposing that in any way. Maybe if I just continue to silently watch and learn, I'll figure out what he really means.
But here's the thing. It is said that we think too much about the micro that we neglect the macro. What about the ministries that we do? Are we focusing too much on the macro that we neglect the micro?
Let me talk about Global Missions, since that's where my heart and passion lies, and that's where I work and know some of the ins and outs of that ministry.
We send missionaries all around the world. Looks great on the outside.
These missionaries are sent to do leadership training. Still looks good on the outside.
Then what happens when someone comes along and wants to be sent through Global Missions to work for social justice causes rather than to do leadership training? They get a gentle pat on the back and are told, "Young one, we admire your passion and we recognise the need for such people. But around here, we don't do that. Let us send you along to a different organisation we know of that sends people to do what you want to do."
So what does that say?
I understand that there are risks involve in starting a new branch of ministry. I understand that there are other projects that we have now that desperately need funding. And it would be a big risk if we sent someone to start a new project and then it flops. And all the funding that could have gone to a more desperate cause would have gone down the drain. Yes, I understand all that. And I had made peace with that already. Or at least, tried to patiently wait and see if there was something more that I didn't quite understand.
I also understand that it is important for us to just send missionaries there to train leaders, and not to change their way of life. But if we are only sending missionaries there to train leaders to bring about spiritual growth, yet neglecting the most basic human needs, what good are we really doing?
But then now the tables are turned. We are told to look at things from the macro perspective and not just stick to the micro. But what about the ministries around the world? Are we doing too much macro stuff that we have neglected the micro - the poorest of the poor? Yes, there may be others who are spiritually poor. But there are the ones who are both spiritually and physically poor. What are we doing for them?
And so, with all my frustrations, I sit here and type this. What can I really do?
As someone once pointed out to me pretty recently, when you look around the world and see so much going on around you, you can't help but feel so small and helpless. What can I as one individual do to change the world? There will always be poverty even if I gave up my lunch for the homeless person in my neighbourhood. I can get into the medical profession to do more research on AIDS, but what can I really achieve?
It may be true that I, as one individual, cannot do very much to change the world. But if I had the option, I would rather make a difference to that one starfish than to go rally for help so that we can save all the starfishes. I wonder if, by the time I get back from rallying for help, it would be too late to save even one starfish.
I'm not saying that I object to what Church of God Ministries is doing. But it just makes me sit and wonder. There probably is a lot more that I have to learn before I can understand why we are functioning the way we are. And until I've finally proven that I really, truly disagree with the way we do things, I'll just sit and watch, and hopefully learn a thing or two about doing things on the macro level.
And now...
After a whole weekend of rest, I think I'm finally ready to do some writing about what's been on my mind the last week or so.
Ok, first let me talk a little about this past weekend.
Friday night, Agathos came over to make puppy-chow for Encore. It was fun, except for the few awkward moments where Brummett kept trying to call me Sweetheart. Umm. No. Cutesy names just don't work for me.
Saturday, I slept in. And when I was finally awake, I just stayed in bed with the curtains open so that the sunlight could come in and read my Karen Kingsbury book till my stomach got the better of me. So I made brunch and then went back to bed because by then I had developed an oh-so-very-annoying headache. Then finally after I felt better, I got up, cleaned and then got ready to go to Encore.
Encore was ... fun I guess. It was fun seeing everyone that I hadn't seen in a long time, but as always, in big crowds like these, my ADD kicks in and I end up saying hi to someone yet catching someone else's eye that I need to say hi to and get really distracted in the process.
Today... I was up early to get ready for church because we weren't sure if the elders were going to close the church today. Finally after I got out of my shower, I got Ruth and CD's voicemails saying that church was closed due to the weather. Well by then I was already wide-awake from the shower so I ended up spending most of the morning baking cookies and talking to Shu Juan online.
Then I went and took another 3-hour nap since I had been up early this morning. As I rolled out of bed at about 5, I decided it was time to experiment with dinner. I made beefball macaroni soup which... I'm pretty proud of, if I can say so myself.
And after that, I cleaned up a little then finished reading Karen Kingsbury and started on my crochet project again which... I'm not sure if I'll get done by the deadline.
So anyways, this was the update for this weekend. I'm going to brainstorm a little bit more before I actually start writing about the stuff that's been on my mind.
Ok, first let me talk a little about this past weekend.
Friday night, Agathos came over to make puppy-chow for Encore. It was fun, except for the few awkward moments where Brummett kept trying to call me Sweetheart. Umm. No. Cutesy names just don't work for me.
Saturday, I slept in. And when I was finally awake, I just stayed in bed with the curtains open so that the sunlight could come in and read my Karen Kingsbury book till my stomach got the better of me. So I made brunch and then went back to bed because by then I had developed an oh-so-very-annoying headache. Then finally after I felt better, I got up, cleaned and then got ready to go to Encore.
Encore was ... fun I guess. It was fun seeing everyone that I hadn't seen in a long time, but as always, in big crowds like these, my ADD kicks in and I end up saying hi to someone yet catching someone else's eye that I need to say hi to and get really distracted in the process.
Today... I was up early to get ready for church because we weren't sure if the elders were going to close the church today. Finally after I got out of my shower, I got Ruth and CD's voicemails saying that church was closed due to the weather. Well by then I was already wide-awake from the shower so I ended up spending most of the morning baking cookies and talking to Shu Juan online.
Then I went and took another 3-hour nap since I had been up early this morning. As I rolled out of bed at about 5, I decided it was time to experiment with dinner. I made beefball macaroni soup which... I'm pretty proud of, if I can say so myself.
And after that, I cleaned up a little then finished reading Karen Kingsbury and started on my crochet project again which... I'm not sure if I'll get done by the deadline.
So anyways, this was the update for this weekend. I'm going to brainstorm a little bit more before I actually start writing about the stuff that's been on my mind.
Christmas Break...
Ok folks, this is the EDITED plan so far for Christmas break...
22 Dec: leave Indy
23 Dec: Somewhere over the Pacific Ocean, arriving in Changi Airport at 2359hrs.
24 Dec: morning probably catching up on jetlag and family time. Noon-ish meeting with Winnie and Min Rui. Carolling with Ps Caleb's church in the evening
25 Dec: Church service at COG in the morning, early dinner with Dad's side of the family, Church service at BC
26 Dec: Breakfast with Yu Lin. Katong Laksa lunch/cookie-baking date with Shu Juan. Dinner at home.
27 Dec: Shopping with Mum
28 Dec: Lunch with the Ingrams
29 Dec: Dinner with Mum's side of the family at East Coast!
30 Dec: Church, then maybe lunch with COGY friends
31 Dec: Ubin with the fam
1 Jan: Ubin with the fam
2 Jan: leave for Indy
3 Jan: back to work!
To be scheduled: (in order of priority)
- haircut
- family portrait
- time with Emma, Elsa and Jeraldine
- mahjong with Elroy and whoever else
- TK gathering
Other things I want to do if time permits: (in order of preferance)
- see Christmas lights
- hang out around Tampines
- go bowling with friends
- walk and eat at Geylang again
- visit TK
- MJ band concert
- walk around Parkway
There are a lot of people I want to see, some in particular I would really like to catch up with. But my time is short so I apologise in advance if we don't get to catch up. But if you would like to meet up, e-mail or tag me and let me know when! My only request is that if we are going to eat, it has to be either hawker or homemade food.
22 Dec: leave Indy
23 Dec: Somewhere over the Pacific Ocean, arriving in Changi Airport at 2359hrs.
24 Dec: morning probably catching up on jetlag and family time. Noon-ish meeting with Winnie and Min Rui. Carolling with Ps Caleb's church in the evening
25 Dec: Church service at COG in the morning, early dinner with Dad's side of the family, Church service at BC
26 Dec: Breakfast with Yu Lin. Katong Laksa lunch/cookie-baking date with Shu Juan. Dinner at home.
27 Dec: Shopping with Mum
28 Dec: Lunch with the Ingrams
29 Dec: Dinner with Mum's side of the family at East Coast!
30 Dec: Church, then maybe lunch with COGY friends
31 Dec: Ubin with the fam
1 Jan: Ubin with the fam
2 Jan: leave for Indy
3 Jan: back to work!
To be scheduled: (in order of priority)
- haircut
- family portrait
- time with Emma, Elsa and Jeraldine
- mahjong with Elroy and whoever else
- TK gathering
Other things I want to do if time permits: (in order of preferance)
- see Christmas lights
- hang out around Tampines
- go bowling with friends
- walk and eat at Geylang again
- visit TK
- MJ band concert
- walk around Parkway
There are a lot of people I want to see, some in particular I would really like to catch up with. But my time is short so I apologise in advance if we don't get to catch up. But if you would like to meet up, e-mail or tag me and let me know when! My only request is that if we are going to eat, it has to be either hawker or homemade food.
Thursday, December 13, 2007
Looking back...
Juan put up a pic of our Sec 4 class on her blog a few days ago. As embarrassing as that picture looks, it brought back a lot of memories.
Yes it's that time of the year again where I slowly take my walk down memory lane. Except, I guess with the snow coming a lot later this year, and the time frame in my mind no longer guided by the schedules of school work, I didn't realise that 2007 is almost over.
I was making up a list of 2007 flashbacks. Then I realised I really wasn't in the mood to make this list.
Didn't realise that even after so long, sometimes seeing a picture of you still makes my heart flutter. No I'm not in love with you anymore. How could I possibly be when I don't even know you anymore? But there's a secret closet in my heart that I've tucked a few people into and you just happen to be one of them. Regardless of where life takes us, this special spot in that secret closet will always have your name on it.
Somehow the fourth book in Karen Kingsbury's Redemption series is so much harder to read. I guess it's because it's hitting so close to home... Dealing with waiting in hospitals and uncertainty. It's almost like reliving the whole first weekend of August all over again.
I want to go to Bulgaria. And Ecuador. And Costa Rica. And China. And Brazil. And revisit all the places I've been to before when my eyes were open. I want to travel the world and see people through my new-found eyes.
But in the meantime, I'll go take pictures of my Christmas tree, clean up my apartment a little and take more pictures of my place. And then I will go read more Karen Kingsbury and cry even more.
Yes it's that time of the year again where I slowly take my walk down memory lane. Except, I guess with the snow coming a lot later this year, and the time frame in my mind no longer guided by the schedules of school work, I didn't realise that 2007 is almost over.
I was making up a list of 2007 flashbacks. Then I realised I really wasn't in the mood to make this list.
Didn't realise that even after so long, sometimes seeing a picture of you still makes my heart flutter. No I'm not in love with you anymore. How could I possibly be when I don't even know you anymore? But there's a secret closet in my heart that I've tucked a few people into and you just happen to be one of them. Regardless of where life takes us, this special spot in that secret closet will always have your name on it.
Somehow the fourth book in Karen Kingsbury's Redemption series is so much harder to read. I guess it's because it's hitting so close to home... Dealing with waiting in hospitals and uncertainty. It's almost like reliving the whole first weekend of August all over again.
I want to go to Bulgaria. And Ecuador. And Costa Rica. And China. And Brazil. And revisit all the places I've been to before when my eyes were open. I want to travel the world and see people through my new-found eyes.
But in the meantime, I'll go take pictures of my Christmas tree, clean up my apartment a little and take more pictures of my place. And then I will go read more Karen Kingsbury and cry even more.
Wednesday, December 12, 2007
Looking ahead...
I'm going to start making useless goals for next year.
Not because I don't have anything else to do with my time.
No, I'm making goals. It's just that I know myself well enough to know that any New Year resolutions or lists that I make, I usually don't follow through with them.
So I'm just going to make lists because I'm busting with aspirations for 2008 at the present moment. Come Jan 3, my lists will be thrown in the corner and forgotten about till it decides to start poking its head out to taunt me again.
.. I will try to have someone or some ones over for a meal once a week.
.. I will be more frugal.
.. I will not try to be the person everyone wants to be. I will try to be the person everyone wants to be friends with. What's the point of being perfect - perfectly friendless?
.. I will embrace more moments of brokenness and share these moments more. I will not be impersonable and self-righteous.
.. I will remember July 17 and August 6.
.. I will allow myself to cry when I'm upset and laugh when I'm happy, even when the world doesn't think I should be allowed to.
Things to look forward to:
.. NAC 2008. Call me a geek if you must - I'm actually a little excited to be working NAC. But maybe when it finally comes around the corner, I just might be freaking out.
.. Starting seminary. I'm looking forward to being challenged and having my perspective on life, people, relationships and theology screwed inside out and upside down all over again; twisted in areas that undergrad life has not reached.
These are the two main things for now.
Things I want to do (whether or not it's feasible is another story):
.. get immigration stamps from at least two different places that I have yet to explore. Just randomly off the top of my head, I'm thinking probably Myanmar and Cambodia.
.. take a real 2-week long road trip to who knows where.
.. learn to make a sunny-side up.
.. get into one more artsy-thing. 2007, my artsy thing was liturgical dance - or interpretive movement. I wonder what it would be in 2008.
I wonder what 2008 holds.
God has done some pretty whacked out things this year.
.. I've heard the word "death" and other words relating to that a lot more in 2007 than I ever had in my life.
.. The crazy-impossible happened and I graduated in 3 years.
.. I fell in love with working with kids - something that I never thought I would do ever since I banished my childhood dreams of being a teacher to the little island of Neverland. (Pun not intended)
.. I got the perfect, perfect jobs that I never dreamed of getting.
How it worked out that I landed the position at Chesterfield where my basic responsibilities are doing music which I love, and working with kids and building relationships with people at the church - crazy.
How it worked out that I found a mentor in CD Oliver, who is amongst the most accepting, open-minded pastor who contains his theory that marijuana should be made legal when he is pastoring at a conservative church - crazy.
How it worked out that the youth group is busting with girls who are full of energy and love - crazy.
How it worked out that I got the job at Global Missions where the other half of my heart is and I get to meet missionaries just about everyday on the job - unbelievable.
How it worked out that for the first time, I developed relationships with people who didn't just try to understand my passion for missions but shared it - unbelievable.
How all the prayers for friendship and community post-graduation were answered by the appearances of Patricia Jongkind, Amanda Owens, Joyce Hazen, Will Johnson and Audrey Mattingly - people whom I should have gotten to know better while I was in college, but never really did - unbelievable.
Sorry, I've been doing a really good job of avoiding run-on sentences until then. But when you're gushing about blessings, it's hard to stop a sentence halfway through just to be grammatically correct.
With that, I think I've done my share of reflecting on this past year and looking forward to the next year. At least for tonight.
And now I'm off to read more Karen Kingsbury and crying.
Not because I don't have anything else to do with my time.
No, I'm making goals. It's just that I know myself well enough to know that any New Year resolutions or lists that I make, I usually don't follow through with them.
So I'm just going to make lists because I'm busting with aspirations for 2008 at the present moment. Come Jan 3, my lists will be thrown in the corner and forgotten about till it decides to start poking its head out to taunt me again.
.. I will try to have someone or some ones over for a meal once a week.
.. I will be more frugal.
.. I will not try to be the person everyone wants to be. I will try to be the person everyone wants to be friends with. What's the point of being perfect - perfectly friendless?
.. I will embrace more moments of brokenness and share these moments more. I will not be impersonable and self-righteous.
.. I will remember July 17 and August 6.
.. I will allow myself to cry when I'm upset and laugh when I'm happy, even when the world doesn't think I should be allowed to.
Things to look forward to:
.. NAC 2008. Call me a geek if you must - I'm actually a little excited to be working NAC. But maybe when it finally comes around the corner, I just might be freaking out.
.. Starting seminary. I'm looking forward to being challenged and having my perspective on life, people, relationships and theology screwed inside out and upside down all over again; twisted in areas that undergrad life has not reached.
These are the two main things for now.
Things I want to do (whether or not it's feasible is another story):
.. get immigration stamps from at least two different places that I have yet to explore. Just randomly off the top of my head, I'm thinking probably Myanmar and Cambodia.
.. take a real 2-week long road trip to who knows where.
.. learn to make a sunny-side up.
.. get into one more artsy-thing. 2007, my artsy thing was liturgical dance - or interpretive movement. I wonder what it would be in 2008.
I wonder what 2008 holds.
God has done some pretty whacked out things this year.
.. I've heard the word "death" and other words relating to that a lot more in 2007 than I ever had in my life.
.. The crazy-impossible happened and I graduated in 3 years.
.. I fell in love with working with kids - something that I never thought I would do ever since I banished my childhood dreams of being a teacher to the little island of Neverland. (Pun not intended)
.. I got the perfect, perfect jobs that I never dreamed of getting.
How it worked out that I landed the position at Chesterfield where my basic responsibilities are doing music which I love, and working with kids and building relationships with people at the church - crazy.
How it worked out that I found a mentor in CD Oliver, who is amongst the most accepting, open-minded pastor who contains his theory that marijuana should be made legal when he is pastoring at a conservative church - crazy.
How it worked out that the youth group is busting with girls who are full of energy and love - crazy.
How it worked out that I got the job at Global Missions where the other half of my heart is and I get to meet missionaries just about everyday on the job - unbelievable.
How it worked out that for the first time, I developed relationships with people who didn't just try to understand my passion for missions but shared it - unbelievable.
How all the prayers for friendship and community post-graduation were answered by the appearances of Patricia Jongkind, Amanda Owens, Joyce Hazen, Will Johnson and Audrey Mattingly - people whom I should have gotten to know better while I was in college, but never really did - unbelievable.
Sorry, I've been doing a really good job of avoiding run-on sentences until then. But when you're gushing about blessings, it's hard to stop a sentence halfway through just to be grammatically correct.
With that, I think I've done my share of reflecting on this past year and looking forward to the next year. At least for tonight.
And now I'm off to read more Karen Kingsbury and crying.
Random scribblings on a Wednesday afternoon...
We all hope to find someone who can understand us. But when someone finally says, "yeah, I can relate to that," we are so quick to respond with, "yeah, maybe. But it's not the same."
Maybe that's why I don't try to relate to anyone anymore. I just listen and if I have anything to say in response, I just pray that they will get to that point of understanding themselves someday.
This period of anticipation is starting to really wear me out. I'm unmotivated and impatient. I'm done waiting. Get me on the plane. NOW.
I went to the Live Nativity at Maple Grove on Sunday So many times, you hear the Nativity story, but only after seeing it acted out do you pay a little more attention and give a little more thought to the story.
Some thoughts I had...
"What was it like giving birth in a manger in the dead of winter? It would have been really cold. Did they have enough clothes to keep warm?"
"How did Mary and Joseph feel when the three wise men came to bring their kid gold, myrrh and frank incense? They were probably really poor. Did they trade the gifts in for money to get food?
They knew their baby was special, but I wonder what went through their head when they had shepherds and wise men come and visit. How easy it would have been for them to have been complacent about their baby."
"Was it even winter when they had the baby? We think of it as winter because that is when we celebrate it. How different would it have been in their culture? Would it have been a hot summer night?"
***On a different note***
I had a mild panic attack this morning. I've never had very much difficulty breathing on a normal day. It only happens when I'm really stressed out about something. But things have been going well so far. There's always room for improvement. Somehow I wonder if there is something that's bugging me deep inside that I've packed away for a long time that I've forgotten about it. And now the something is peeking its head out of the corner every once in a while, taunting me to process it.
I wonder why people only enjoy the pre-Christmas part of winter. Once the New Year celebrations are done, there's no longer the bustle about something happening. It's just dreary, dreary weather.
Before Christmas, there's
.. let's put up the tree
.. drink hot chocolate
.. watch White Christmas
.. go sledding
.. sit around and reminisce
.. and a certain bustle of excitement that I can't quite put my finger on.
Even finals doesn't seem THAT bad.
After Christmas, there's
.. yuck. more snow to shovel
.. dreary, dreary weather
.. when is spring going to get here?
More in my next entry.
Maybe that's why I don't try to relate to anyone anymore. I just listen and if I have anything to say in response, I just pray that they will get to that point of understanding themselves someday.
This period of anticipation is starting to really wear me out. I'm unmotivated and impatient. I'm done waiting. Get me on the plane. NOW.
I went to the Live Nativity at Maple Grove on Sunday So many times, you hear the Nativity story, but only after seeing it acted out do you pay a little more attention and give a little more thought to the story.
Some thoughts I had...
"What was it like giving birth in a manger in the dead of winter? It would have been really cold. Did they have enough clothes to keep warm?"
"How did Mary and Joseph feel when the three wise men came to bring their kid gold, myrrh and frank incense? They were probably really poor. Did they trade the gifts in for money to get food?
They knew their baby was special, but I wonder what went through their head when they had shepherds and wise men come and visit. How easy it would have been for them to have been complacent about their baby."
"Was it even winter when they had the baby? We think of it as winter because that is when we celebrate it. How different would it have been in their culture? Would it have been a hot summer night?"
***On a different note***
I had a mild panic attack this morning. I've never had very much difficulty breathing on a normal day. It only happens when I'm really stressed out about something. But things have been going well so far. There's always room for improvement. Somehow I wonder if there is something that's bugging me deep inside that I've packed away for a long time that I've forgotten about it. And now the something is peeking its head out of the corner every once in a while, taunting me to process it.
I wonder why people only enjoy the pre-Christmas part of winter. Once the New Year celebrations are done, there's no longer the bustle about something happening. It's just dreary, dreary weather.
Before Christmas, there's
.. let's put up the tree
.. drink hot chocolate
.. watch White Christmas
.. go sledding
.. sit around and reminisce
.. and a certain bustle of excitement that I can't quite put my finger on.
Even finals doesn't seem THAT bad.
After Christmas, there's
.. yuck. more snow to shovel
.. dreary, dreary weather
.. when is spring going to get here?
More in my next entry.
Wednesday, December 05, 2007
4 months...
To some, it was 4 months 2 days ago.
To others, it will be 4 months tomorrow.
What does it matter? 4 months.
I'm missing the hell out of you.
You in your gloves and scarf ready for the snow.
It doesn't stop.
I miss you.
To others, it will be 4 months tomorrow.
What does it matter? 4 months.
I'm missing the hell out of you.
You in your gloves and scarf ready for the snow.
It doesn't stop.
I miss you.
Monday, December 03, 2007
Christmas #2: Lonely Hearts
Lights.
Trees.
Nativity scenes.
Amidst the hustle and bustle of the season, sometimes I forget how lonely it can get.
Someone once asked me if I had forgiven you for leaving.
I never thought about it that way.
What's there to forgive if that person isn't even around for you to say "I forgive you" to anyway? And besides, I never really thought of it as you leaving anyway. It seemed more like you didn't have a choice; that you were just taken away.
Until last night.
Some days I wonder why you didn't fight harder to stay here. But then I think, I don't think you really had a chance to fight because you were taken away just like that. It makes it easier to not blame you for leaving.
But still, I don't like it that you're gone.
And then today my eyes were suddenly open to the cold and lonely hearts that surround me everyday. Hearts that were wounded and never healed. Hearts that have turned as frosty as the winter wind that bites your skin as you head out from your warm house. So frosty that it even pierces through your thick winter coat and all the layers under that till it chills your bones and makes you shiver.
I see it in those eyes. The eyes that show little sign of life, complemented by the smile that has been plastered on. Dialogues revolving around the weather. The icy, frosty weather outside - a reflection of your heart.
I wonder what it takes to peel off the layers. The layers of ice around that face and the wooden door that leads to the shattered pieces of your heart.
I wonder how many bottles we'll need to contain all the years of sorrow and numbness.
Every bottle of tears that the Shepherd holds in the palm of His hands. Every bottle matched with one of His own.
Trees.
Nativity scenes.
Amidst the hustle and bustle of the season, sometimes I forget how lonely it can get.
Someone once asked me if I had forgiven you for leaving.
I never thought about it that way.
What's there to forgive if that person isn't even around for you to say "I forgive you" to anyway? And besides, I never really thought of it as you leaving anyway. It seemed more like you didn't have a choice; that you were just taken away.
Until last night.
Some days I wonder why you didn't fight harder to stay here. But then I think, I don't think you really had a chance to fight because you were taken away just like that. It makes it easier to not blame you for leaving.
But still, I don't like it that you're gone.
And then today my eyes were suddenly open to the cold and lonely hearts that surround me everyday. Hearts that were wounded and never healed. Hearts that have turned as frosty as the winter wind that bites your skin as you head out from your warm house. So frosty that it even pierces through your thick winter coat and all the layers under that till it chills your bones and makes you shiver.
I see it in those eyes. The eyes that show little sign of life, complemented by the smile that has been plastered on. Dialogues revolving around the weather. The icy, frosty weather outside - a reflection of your heart.
I wonder what it takes to peel off the layers. The layers of ice around that face and the wooden door that leads to the shattered pieces of your heart.
I wonder how many bottles we'll need to contain all the years of sorrow and numbness.
Every bottle of tears that the Shepherd holds in the palm of His hands. Every bottle matched with one of His own.
Friday, November 30, 2007
Christmas #1
Christmas is always a little bittersweet for me.
Growing up, it was always about getting new school supplies for Christmas gifts and wrapping them up as my "known" Christmas gifts. Then on the night of Christmas Eve, we go out carolling or do something with the church and come back after midnight. Then Christmas morning, we unwrap all our gifts and there's always one or two unknown gifts that mysteriously appear on Christmas morning.
Then school supplies weren't fascinating Christmas gifts anymore. Still the tradition of doing something on the night of Christmas eve and coming home only after midnight continued.
As I got older, spending time with the church family on Chirstmas eve was something I got used to - a tradition. And the traditionalist that I am would always be devastated if some tradition was modified.
Then I moved halfway across the world. Although it always felt like a temporary move - that I was still going to move back after I'm done with school - the truth was, it's not really a temporary move. It's a move, the first of probably many more to come. Though my roots will always be in the sunny isles somewhere across the Pacific Ocean, it is not a home to go back to anymore. Someone wise once said that moving doesn't mean leaving behind. It means finding something new - a new community, new friends. You don't lose what you always had in the place you left.
But I digress.
I love Christmas. The warmth, the times with family and church family, the friendships, the Gift, the Giver, the giving, the lights, the songs and the decorations. I always have.
But now, Christmas has become a time of anticipation, farewells and welcomes. Once the leaves stop falling, or the first snow falls, I'm reminded that it's almost time to go home.
Almost. But not yet.
And so I wait. I anticipate going back. But going back means leaving here. And during this period of anticipation, there's always the anxiety. The "what-if"s.
What if things are not the same anymore?
What if people can't accept the new me?
What if certain feelings get rekindled?
What if...
All year round, I'm ok being where I am. I celebrate and mourn events around me wherever I am, knowing that both the good times and the bad times happen regardless of whether I'm in Singapore, Anderson or Timbaktu. But then Christmas comes around...
As much as I love Christmas music, sometimes it just makes me cry.
Maybe this period of anticipation was how the wise men felt, waiting for that sign - that baby.
And just when I get used to being at home again, it's time to leave.
Growing up, it was always about getting new school supplies for Christmas gifts and wrapping them up as my "known" Christmas gifts. Then on the night of Christmas Eve, we go out carolling or do something with the church and come back after midnight. Then Christmas morning, we unwrap all our gifts and there's always one or two unknown gifts that mysteriously appear on Christmas morning.
Then school supplies weren't fascinating Christmas gifts anymore. Still the tradition of doing something on the night of Christmas eve and coming home only after midnight continued.
As I got older, spending time with the church family on Chirstmas eve was something I got used to - a tradition. And the traditionalist that I am would always be devastated if some tradition was modified.
Then I moved halfway across the world. Although it always felt like a temporary move - that I was still going to move back after I'm done with school - the truth was, it's not really a temporary move. It's a move, the first of probably many more to come. Though my roots will always be in the sunny isles somewhere across the Pacific Ocean, it is not a home to go back to anymore. Someone wise once said that moving doesn't mean leaving behind. It means finding something new - a new community, new friends. You don't lose what you always had in the place you left.
But I digress.
I love Christmas. The warmth, the times with family and church family, the friendships, the Gift, the Giver, the giving, the lights, the songs and the decorations. I always have.
But now, Christmas has become a time of anticipation, farewells and welcomes. Once the leaves stop falling, or the first snow falls, I'm reminded that it's almost time to go home.
Almost. But not yet.
And so I wait. I anticipate going back. But going back means leaving here. And during this period of anticipation, there's always the anxiety. The "what-if"s.
What if things are not the same anymore?
What if people can't accept the new me?
What if certain feelings get rekindled?
What if...
All year round, I'm ok being where I am. I celebrate and mourn events around me wherever I am, knowing that both the good times and the bad times happen regardless of whether I'm in Singapore, Anderson or Timbaktu. But then Christmas comes around...
As much as I love Christmas music, sometimes it just makes me cry.
Maybe this period of anticipation was how the wise men felt, waiting for that sign - that baby.
And just when I get used to being at home again, it's time to leave.
Monday, November 19, 2007
Success...
As I bounced down the stairs today to the mail room, I couldn't help noticing it.
I was bouncing.
BOUNCING.
I'm not rich, famous, married or successful in any way by the world's standards. But for the first time in my life, I'm content. Very content.
If I took a serious reflection at this past year, it has been a crappy year at best. But in spite of everything, there's still a song in my heart, a bounce in my step, and a genuine smile on my face. For the first time in my life, I think I'm experiencing true joy that's overflowing.
Even the night of SYF finals didn't feel like this. Nor did the 18 months with Sam or the first 3 months at MJ, or even the best days in TK.
Blame it on the cynicism that has developed since Keren's death if you must, but some days, I wonder if I'm leading a life so full that the end is near. It does not help that my instincts are pretty accurate and my insights about life sometimes scare the crap out of me. AND I also have a very wild imagination.
Sorry, this is becoming a somewhat bleak entry that I never intended for it to be. But really, life is beautiful. And I mean it in every single sense of the word from the bottom of my heart..
I was bouncing.
BOUNCING.
I'm not rich, famous, married or successful in any way by the world's standards. But for the first time in my life, I'm content. Very content.
If I took a serious reflection at this past year, it has been a crappy year at best. But in spite of everything, there's still a song in my heart, a bounce in my step, and a genuine smile on my face. For the first time in my life, I think I'm experiencing true joy that's overflowing.
Even the night of SYF finals didn't feel like this. Nor did the 18 months with Sam or the first 3 months at MJ, or even the best days in TK.
Blame it on the cynicism that has developed since Keren's death if you must, but some days, I wonder if I'm leading a life so full that the end is near. It does not help that my instincts are pretty accurate and my insights about life sometimes scare the crap out of me. AND I also have a very wild imagination.
Sorry, this is becoming a somewhat bleak entry that I never intended for it to be. But really, life is beautiful. And I mean it in every single sense of the word from the bottom of my heart..
Saturday, November 17, 2007
Discoveries...
watching the night sky
talking through a play
dancing
strong coffee with a ton of sugar and milk
guys who can shed a few tears
guitar
laughter and awkwardness
chugging down pizza in 5 minutes
talking through a play
dancing
strong coffee with a ton of sugar and milk
guys who can shed a few tears
guitar
laughter and awkwardness
chugging down pizza in 5 minutes
good books and journals
Guess you have to be there.
Guess you have to be there.
Sunday, November 11, 2007
Isaiah 22:4
This weekend has been good. Good not only because of the speaker. Or because of the music. Or because of the fellowship.
No, good because the passion in my heart has been restored.
Let me first start by saying that being with the kids this weekend was great. The youth group at Chesterfield is not that different from the rest of the congregation. They are warm and loving and they love getting to know new people. They get excited that people that they don't know are joining them in their activities. They love spending time with the adults in the congregation - not just the cool adults; no they want to get to know ALL the adults in their congregation. So as tired as I was, I was looking forward to spending time with them this weekend.
But what I was thankful for this week was that I was reminded of little things that I had hoped I would never do, but I still find myself falling short of. Like I've always known better than to judge a book by its cover. But this weekend, I found myself being more gracious to the cheerleader and more judgmental to the emo girl. And then I found the cheerleading pushing her limits every once in a while to see much she can get away with, constantly trying to disconnect from the rest of the group while the emo girl pushed her friend around in the wheelchair, picked up her friends crutches and staying close to the rest of the group.
To be honest, I didn't know what I was getting myself into when I left this weekend. I wasn't sure if I was supposed to just be there as an adult, or if I was going to get anything out of it as well. But halfway through the service on the first night, I found my heart breaking for these kids. The same kids that wanted to go shopping all the time. The kids to whom, make-up and labels matter more than the money that the church and their parents spent so that they could be at the convention. These kids that care more for material than for true substance, but at the same time, can quote you scripture after scripture of what it means to be "Christian."
Have a ton of thoughts that still need to be processed. Talking to Ruth on the way back helped with some of the processing, but there's more to think about. For the first time, my heart is breaking for people who are in the circle that I can actually do something about rather than having to wait till the next time I'm out there in the field again.
On a totally different and far lighter note, the Colts need to pull up their socks! Oh yeah, I might be converting to Hoosier-ism.
No, good because the passion in my heart has been restored.
Let me first start by saying that being with the kids this weekend was great. The youth group at Chesterfield is not that different from the rest of the congregation. They are warm and loving and they love getting to know new people. They get excited that people that they don't know are joining them in their activities. They love spending time with the adults in the congregation - not just the cool adults; no they want to get to know ALL the adults in their congregation. So as tired as I was, I was looking forward to spending time with them this weekend.
But what I was thankful for this week was that I was reminded of little things that I had hoped I would never do, but I still find myself falling short of. Like I've always known better than to judge a book by its cover. But this weekend, I found myself being more gracious to the cheerleader and more judgmental to the emo girl. And then I found the cheerleading pushing her limits every once in a while to see much she can get away with, constantly trying to disconnect from the rest of the group while the emo girl pushed her friend around in the wheelchair, picked up her friends crutches and staying close to the rest of the group.
To be honest, I didn't know what I was getting myself into when I left this weekend. I wasn't sure if I was supposed to just be there as an adult, or if I was going to get anything out of it as well. But halfway through the service on the first night, I found my heart breaking for these kids. The same kids that wanted to go shopping all the time. The kids to whom, make-up and labels matter more than the money that the church and their parents spent so that they could be at the convention. These kids that care more for material than for true substance, but at the same time, can quote you scripture after scripture of what it means to be "Christian."
Have a ton of thoughts that still need to be processed. Talking to Ruth on the way back helped with some of the processing, but there's more to think about. For the first time, my heart is breaking for people who are in the circle that I can actually do something about rather than having to wait till the next time I'm out there in the field again.
On a totally different and far lighter note, the Colts need to pull up their socks! Oh yeah, I might be converting to Hoosier-ism.
Thursday, November 08, 2007
Random...
Today I was inspired. When I grow up, I want to be Cheryl Barton. Or maybe it's that I already can see myself growing up to be like her... Except I still have a lot of growing to do.
AND I want to write like her.
As I packed for ISYC tonight, I realised that I'm becoming more and more like a mum. No, not that I'm going to be or want to be a mum. Not for a LONG time, if ever at all. But I started packing like a mum. Some thoughts I had tonight:
..I should pack more snacks. The 3 girls I'll have in my room may be girls, but they're also growing girls.
..I need a boo-boo kit. In goes the band-aids, pain-killers and dramamine (I know, the dramamine was a little much. But you never know!)
And these were only SOME of the thoughts I had tonight.
Needless to say, I've gained new respect for my mum.
Let me pause here for a moment to talk about my mum.
Danielle asked me tonight about something that led to a conversation about my mum. Somehow, the whole rambling about how the kids in the youth group back at home loved coming over to our house. It was like our house was the cool house with the cool parents. My parents never tried to overwhelm the kids with hospitality. They just kind of left us alone to do our own thing, but they would still check in on us every once in a while. And they always fed us healthy snacks.
Some of these were the same kids that my mum disciplined back in the day when we were in Sunday School. And there were other kids that came along after our generation graduated into the youth group. One little guy in particular (well, I guess he's not really a little guy anymore) would sit in the corner and sulk whenever he got into trouble. My mum was the only one who knew how to deal with him. And this little guy, though not so little anymore, never had that "I hate Auntie Florence" thing. No, in fact my mum is still helping him with school work every now and then till this day.
When I grow up, I want to be my mum too.
I guess I want to have a ministry like Cheryl and Bernie's. And relationally, I want to be like my mum.
Oh, PS: ISYC = Indiana State Youth Convention. I'm going as a counsellor with Chesterfield and I'll have 3 girls in my room. I don't know if I'll get very much sleep this weekend, so pray for us. Not just that we'll get rest physically, but for me especially that I get refreshed spiritually. It's been kind of dry lately. And that hearts will be open, not just for the 3 girls I'll have in my room, but for all who will be there.
AND I want to write like her.
As I packed for ISYC tonight, I realised that I'm becoming more and more like a mum. No, not that I'm going to be or want to be a mum. Not for a LONG time, if ever at all. But I started packing like a mum. Some thoughts I had tonight:
..I should pack more snacks. The 3 girls I'll have in my room may be girls, but they're also growing girls.
..I need a boo-boo kit. In goes the band-aids, pain-killers and dramamine (I know, the dramamine was a little much. But you never know!)
And these were only SOME of the thoughts I had tonight.
Needless to say, I've gained new respect for my mum.
Let me pause here for a moment to talk about my mum.
Danielle asked me tonight about something that led to a conversation about my mum. Somehow, the whole rambling about how the kids in the youth group back at home loved coming over to our house. It was like our house was the cool house with the cool parents. My parents never tried to overwhelm the kids with hospitality. They just kind of left us alone to do our own thing, but they would still check in on us every once in a while. And they always fed us healthy snacks.
Some of these were the same kids that my mum disciplined back in the day when we were in Sunday School. And there were other kids that came along after our generation graduated into the youth group. One little guy in particular (well, I guess he's not really a little guy anymore) would sit in the corner and sulk whenever he got into trouble. My mum was the only one who knew how to deal with him. And this little guy, though not so little anymore, never had that "I hate Auntie Florence" thing. No, in fact my mum is still helping him with school work every now and then till this day.
When I grow up, I want to be my mum too.
I guess I want to have a ministry like Cheryl and Bernie's. And relationally, I want to be like my mum.
Oh, PS: ISYC = Indiana State Youth Convention. I'm going as a counsellor with Chesterfield and I'll have 3 girls in my room. I don't know if I'll get very much sleep this weekend, so pray for us. Not just that we'll get rest physically, but for me especially that I get refreshed spiritually. It's been kind of dry lately. And that hearts will be open, not just for the 3 girls I'll have in my room, but for all who will be there.
Tuesday, November 06, 2007
What if We All Cried Together...
一盏黄黄旧旧的灯时间在旁闷不吭声寂寞下手毫无分寸
不懂得轻重之分沉默支撑跃过陌生
静静看著凌晨黄昏你的身影失去平衡慢慢下沉
黑暗已在空中盘旋该往哪我看不见
也许爱在梦的另一端无法存活在真实的空间
想回到过去试著抱你在怀里羞怯的脸带有一点稚气
想看你的看的世界,想在你梦的画面
只要靠在一起就能感觉甜蜜想回到过去试著让故事继续
至少不再让你离我而去分散时间的注意
这次会抱得更紧这样挽留不知还来不来得及想回到过去
思绪不断阻挡著回忆播放盲目的追寻仍然空空荡荡
灰蒙蒙的夜晚睡意又不知躲到哪去
一转身孤单已躺在身旁
Finally heard back from Kendra today.
"Just because people stop talking about it doesn't mean it stops hurting."
Let me know when you need to cry. Or scream. Or just sit and stare. And I'll come hold your hand. Just don't ever, EVER feel like you're alone.
3 months tomorrow.
不懂得轻重之分沉默支撑跃过陌生
静静看著凌晨黄昏你的身影失去平衡慢慢下沉
黑暗已在空中盘旋该往哪我看不见
也许爱在梦的另一端无法存活在真实的空间
想回到过去试著抱你在怀里羞怯的脸带有一点稚气
想看你的看的世界,想在你梦的画面
只要靠在一起就能感觉甜蜜想回到过去试著让故事继续
至少不再让你离我而去分散时间的注意
这次会抱得更紧这样挽留不知还来不来得及想回到过去
思绪不断阻挡著回忆播放盲目的追寻仍然空空荡荡
灰蒙蒙的夜晚睡意又不知躲到哪去
一转身孤单已躺在身旁
Finally heard back from Kendra today.
"Just because people stop talking about it doesn't mean it stops hurting."
Let me know when you need to cry. Or scream. Or just sit and stare. And I'll come hold your hand. Just don't ever, EVER feel like you're alone.
3 months tomorrow.
Saturday, November 03, 2007
Redeeming Love...
I'm learning more about what it means to be Hosea.
Looking back at the events of the last couple of days, I'm realising that I've reached a new level of understanding of what forgiveness is - or maybe I'm just learning to look at it through different eyes.
People hurt others only out of ignorance - of not knowing how to deal with things.
Racism started out of discrimination and all that - yes, that is true. But these days, "racism" or "discrimination" occurs only out of fear: the fear of appearing stupid. So rather than appear stupid, we run away from people that we don't know very well. We don't try to get to know their culture and we act like we know what "their types" are like. Or we simply don't ask questions because of the fear of being thought of as trying to be like them. This hurts. But only because neither are willing to try.
There are no stupid questions. When we say "this is probably a stupid question, but..." do we not realise the amount of pressure we put on the other person because that person may not even know that about "their own types"? But we've placed that expectation on them - that "you should know this because you're that type" - so if they don't know what their "type" is like, how stupid do they appear? (I use type because I'm not just talking about race or colour anymore. I'm talking about discrimination of any kind. "This may be a stupid question, but what is it like being in a wheelchair..." or something like that.)
And then there are friendships that turn ugly. Neither friend really meant to hurt the other. But sometimes, there are some little things that they don't see eye to eye about, but neither know how to deal with that and so they push it aside and end up pushing the other further and further away.
Or when one of them had to say no, but didn't know how to. When they eventually decide to say no and get it over and done with, it comes out a lot more hurtful because it may have been more helpful if they had said no earlier. They never meant to hurt their friend. They just didn't know how to say no.
Or if one of them just had to say yes but didn't feel like they were ready. The other feels pushed away because they never said yes in the first place. And again, neither knows how to react and both just end up drifting further and further away. Neither meant to hurt each other. They just needed to speak up.
Again, I speak of these things not because I've achieved the ability to forgive and not be the one who "didn't know." Nor have I reached the point where I can speak up and ask when I need to. But maybe just through talking about it a little more, I may be able to remind myself of this every once in a while when I find myself in one of the above situations again.
And to you who are holding me accountable, (not that you will see this) I think I've taken one step forward.
Looking back at the events of the last couple of days, I'm realising that I've reached a new level of understanding of what forgiveness is - or maybe I'm just learning to look at it through different eyes.
People hurt others only out of ignorance - of not knowing how to deal with things.
Racism started out of discrimination and all that - yes, that is true. But these days, "racism" or "discrimination" occurs only out of fear: the fear of appearing stupid. So rather than appear stupid, we run away from people that we don't know very well. We don't try to get to know their culture and we act like we know what "their types" are like. Or we simply don't ask questions because of the fear of being thought of as trying to be like them. This hurts. But only because neither are willing to try.
There are no stupid questions. When we say "this is probably a stupid question, but..." do we not realise the amount of pressure we put on the other person because that person may not even know that about "their own types"? But we've placed that expectation on them - that "you should know this because you're that type" - so if they don't know what their "type" is like, how stupid do they appear? (I use type because I'm not just talking about race or colour anymore. I'm talking about discrimination of any kind. "This may be a stupid question, but what is it like being in a wheelchair..." or something like that.)
And then there are friendships that turn ugly. Neither friend really meant to hurt the other. But sometimes, there are some little things that they don't see eye to eye about, but neither know how to deal with that and so they push it aside and end up pushing the other further and further away.
Or when one of them had to say no, but didn't know how to. When they eventually decide to say no and get it over and done with, it comes out a lot more hurtful because it may have been more helpful if they had said no earlier. They never meant to hurt their friend. They just didn't know how to say no.
Or if one of them just had to say yes but didn't feel like they were ready. The other feels pushed away because they never said yes in the first place. And again, neither knows how to react and both just end up drifting further and further away. Neither meant to hurt each other. They just needed to speak up.
Again, I speak of these things not because I've achieved the ability to forgive and not be the one who "didn't know." Nor have I reached the point where I can speak up and ask when I need to. But maybe just through talking about it a little more, I may be able to remind myself of this every once in a while when I find myself in one of the above situations again.
And to you who are holding me accountable, (not that you will see this) I think I've taken one step forward.
Tuesday, October 30, 2007
Philippians, the Book of Wisdom...
Been reading a journal that I've kept since I was 14. I write in it every now and then, but since I started blogging, I've written in it a lot less. Lately, because of the move, I found it and I've been reading a little bit every now and then.
Tonight, I realised that I've been talking about myself a lot. Too much, maybe. When I first started journaling almost 8 years ago, I was afraid to write. I didn't want to write too much. I just wrote enough to remind myself of certain things that I was going through at that time, so that when I look back, I can remember the lessons learnt.
These days, I write about everything that frustrates me, and sometimes, the blessings too. But whether I write about blessings or frustrations, it's still the same.
I write too much about myself.
Just because I haven't been on another missions trip it doesn't mean that my world view should revolve only around me. Because if that's the case, then I'm not really living globally. I'm being a missions tourist - feeling for others when I'm on a missions trip, and once the "missions trip" mode is turned off, I'm done with my passion for people.
And maybe because I've been feeling so sorry for myself, I haven't really put myself out there to love or be loved by others. And then I feel even worse for myself, thinking that no one cares about the loneliness I'm feeling. Well heck, no one would appear to care because no one even sees me enough.
I thought living by myself was going to be great because I could have people over all the time and they can do stuff and all that. But really, the only person who has been here besides Danielle is me.
Hopefully that will change a little when Amanda moves in next door :) I'm so excited!
But in the meantime, I'm going to put myself out there again and be more intentional about building community. Because if you don't put yourself out there, no one's going to know you're available or that you need help.
"realizing that you're blessed is not the same thing as complacency, but it has led lots of people in that direction" - shdani
How true.
I found myself really struggling with that today. I thought about writing about it, but then I realised how hard it was going to be to talk about today without sounding complacent. So let me just leave that quote there and let it speak for itself.
It's strange how things all kind of come together when I start asking for what I need. People you never thought paid any attention to you suddenly appear to care a lot more than you thought they did. And even the small little things that they say sometimes build you up a lot more than you can imagine.
I'm rambling.
Cookies are done for Andy and Candace's baby shower tomorrow. Going to bed so I'll be awake when we go to Shipshewana tomorrow and I'll actually be more social rather than sleeping on the drive there.
I'm realising how cool and quirky Amanda Owens is. And it makes me smile :)
Tonight, I realised that I've been talking about myself a lot. Too much, maybe. When I first started journaling almost 8 years ago, I was afraid to write. I didn't want to write too much. I just wrote enough to remind myself of certain things that I was going through at that time, so that when I look back, I can remember the lessons learnt.
These days, I write about everything that frustrates me, and sometimes, the blessings too. But whether I write about blessings or frustrations, it's still the same.
I write too much about myself.
Just because I haven't been on another missions trip it doesn't mean that my world view should revolve only around me. Because if that's the case, then I'm not really living globally. I'm being a missions tourist - feeling for others when I'm on a missions trip, and once the "missions trip" mode is turned off, I'm done with my passion for people.
And maybe because I've been feeling so sorry for myself, I haven't really put myself out there to love or be loved by others. And then I feel even worse for myself, thinking that no one cares about the loneliness I'm feeling. Well heck, no one would appear to care because no one even sees me enough.
I thought living by myself was going to be great because I could have people over all the time and they can do stuff and all that. But really, the only person who has been here besides Danielle is me.
Hopefully that will change a little when Amanda moves in next door :) I'm so excited!
But in the meantime, I'm going to put myself out there again and be more intentional about building community. Because if you don't put yourself out there, no one's going to know you're available or that you need help.
"realizing that you're blessed is not the same thing as complacency, but it has led lots of people in that direction" - shdani
How true.
I found myself really struggling with that today. I thought about writing about it, but then I realised how hard it was going to be to talk about today without sounding complacent. So let me just leave that quote there and let it speak for itself.
It's strange how things all kind of come together when I start asking for what I need. People you never thought paid any attention to you suddenly appear to care a lot more than you thought they did. And even the small little things that they say sometimes build you up a lot more than you can imagine.
I'm rambling.
Cookies are done for Andy and Candace's baby shower tomorrow. Going to bed so I'll be awake when we go to Shipshewana tomorrow and I'll actually be more social rather than sleeping on the drive there.
I'm realising how cool and quirky Amanda Owens is. And it makes me smile :)
Monday, October 29, 2007
More on Relationships...
After yesterday's entry, which surprisingly, I haven't totally regretted yet, I guess you can call this part #2 on my take on relationships. Except today, I won't just be talking about romantic relationships.
I'm losing faith in relationships. Not just in romantic relationships, but in any kind of relationships that require this little element called love.
Even though I never really liked it when the two of you were together, I was still clinging on to some kind of hope that as ridiculous as this seemed to me, somehow things will work out for you and you will both be happy. It was one of those things that even though I didn't really like the initial idea, maybe things will happen so that you will change my mind and convince me that not only can things work out between you, but one can still have some faith in this thing called love.
Lately I've already been increasingly apathetic towards investing in people. After all, they are going to move out of my life after a while, so what's the point of trying to find someone that you can pour yourself out to when at the end of your time together in that physical area, you're just going to drop everything and move on?
One thing that Beth said during our last Bible Study stuck with me. Most people we call friends are really only friends because we are in similar circumstances. When you are no longer in the same circumstance, you are no longer friends.
And talking to a certain someone today didn't help either because this someone only made me even more convinced that there really is no need to invest in others because they're going to drop the friendship after a while.
I'm being incoherent and merely repeating my points.
But the basic essence is that maybe I just don't believe in community anymore. My spirit does, but the carnal mind doesn't anymore. And I know that the spirit is going to win this battle in the struggle for community, but it's going to take a lot of effort and pain and healing before the spirit really wins this battle.
In the meantime, I'll promise you (if you even care enough to hold me to my promise) that I will not isolate myself from community. But that doesn't mean I won't isolate myself from a few people out of my fear of getting hurt and pushed away again. That may or may not be your intention, but just for my heart, I'm guarding my emotional investment very closely. At this point, it just takes one "no" and I'll back off immediately.
I'm losing faith in relationships. Not just in romantic relationships, but in any kind of relationships that require this little element called love.
Even though I never really liked it when the two of you were together, I was still clinging on to some kind of hope that as ridiculous as this seemed to me, somehow things will work out for you and you will both be happy. It was one of those things that even though I didn't really like the initial idea, maybe things will happen so that you will change my mind and convince me that not only can things work out between you, but one can still have some faith in this thing called love.
Lately I've already been increasingly apathetic towards investing in people. After all, they are going to move out of my life after a while, so what's the point of trying to find someone that you can pour yourself out to when at the end of your time together in that physical area, you're just going to drop everything and move on?
One thing that Beth said during our last Bible Study stuck with me. Most people we call friends are really only friends because we are in similar circumstances. When you are no longer in the same circumstance, you are no longer friends.
And talking to a certain someone today didn't help either because this someone only made me even more convinced that there really is no need to invest in others because they're going to drop the friendship after a while.
I'm being incoherent and merely repeating my points.
But the basic essence is that maybe I just don't believe in community anymore. My spirit does, but the carnal mind doesn't anymore. And I know that the spirit is going to win this battle in the struggle for community, but it's going to take a lot of effort and pain and healing before the spirit really wins this battle.
In the meantime, I'll promise you (if you even care enough to hold me to my promise) that I will not isolate myself from community. But that doesn't mean I won't isolate myself from a few people out of my fear of getting hurt and pushed away again. That may or may not be your intention, but just for my heart, I'm guarding my emotional investment very closely. At this point, it just takes one "no" and I'll back off immediately.
Sunday, October 28, 2007
Another Moment of Truth...
Let me take a second to talk about the latest development in my perspective of relationships. Oh yeah, I am talking about relationships, not the platonic friendship deal. The REAL thing. Not that I'm an expert or anything, but allow me to ramble a little about my latest thoughts on that. And yes, chances are, I might regret typing this up, but hey, this is what I need to do for now.
Not gonna lie, the conversation with Ruth and CD today kind of stuck with me, and maybe even bothered me a little. Of course, that had to do with Ruth trying to set me up with their son Matthew, which is why it bugged me because as we all know, I have issues with people trying to set me up. As another random tangent, I'm realising how liberal CD is, but it's not a bad liberal.
Anyway...
Last week during the Spiritual Formation meeting, I realised that I thought I had surrendered all these things last year, when really, I hadn't. Surrendering is not the same as saying, ok fine, I don't want it anymore. Surrendering means to really give it up so that wherever God leads, I'll just go. I guess my definition of surrendering last year was that if it isn't "yes" now, then make it "no" and stop dangling the "maybe" in front of me.
I already know of at least one person who's going to disagree with me on this "not-fighting-for-what-you-want" thing and "submitting to God" thing. Disagree with me all you want, but this is where I am now. Let me struggle with it myself so that I can come to terms with what you are trying to tell me. And yes, I will let you laugh and say "I told you so."
But I do know what I want.
I want someone who will challenge the foundations of my faith and my beliefs. But at the same time, this someone has to be close enough to the heart of God to hear when he's pushing me too far that I'm going to stumble.
I want someone who will say no to me because he is saying yes to God.
I want someone who will pursue me and struggle and fight with me but also be stronger than me to not let me run away with my stubborn self, yet willing to let me live out my independence.
I want someone who will be willing to run off and live with the homeless for a week with me, or something ridiculously crazy like that. Someone who knows what he's doing so that we'll both be safe in our crazy adventures. (Yes, I'm a little wild at heart too.)
I want someone who will not mind being a global nomad with me. Someone who will not preach or evangelise openly, but love every person with a strong tenderness that it will be difficult for them to not see the light of Christ in him.
And yes, (on a lighter note) I do want someone who will get me hot chocolate on a snowy day. Someone who will walk with me in the rain and sit at the beach and watch the sunrise with me. (Oh go gag all you want. Just leave me alone.)
And maybe what I want I will not have. But it will be ok. Because just as I learnt from the ashes to beauty story with Keren, sometimes when the story isn't written the way I want it to be, it turns out far more incredible than I can ever imagine.
Not gonna lie, the conversation with Ruth and CD today kind of stuck with me, and maybe even bothered me a little. Of course, that had to do with Ruth trying to set me up with their son Matthew, which is why it bugged me because as we all know, I have issues with people trying to set me up. As another random tangent, I'm realising how liberal CD is, but it's not a bad liberal.
Anyway...
Last week during the Spiritual Formation meeting, I realised that I thought I had surrendered all these things last year, when really, I hadn't. Surrendering is not the same as saying, ok fine, I don't want it anymore. Surrendering means to really give it up so that wherever God leads, I'll just go. I guess my definition of surrendering last year was that if it isn't "yes" now, then make it "no" and stop dangling the "maybe" in front of me.
I already know of at least one person who's going to disagree with me on this "not-fighting-for-what-you-want" thing and "submitting to God" thing. Disagree with me all you want, but this is where I am now. Let me struggle with it myself so that I can come to terms with what you are trying to tell me. And yes, I will let you laugh and say "I told you so."
But I do know what I want.
I want someone who will challenge the foundations of my faith and my beliefs. But at the same time, this someone has to be close enough to the heart of God to hear when he's pushing me too far that I'm going to stumble.
I want someone who will say no to me because he is saying yes to God.
I want someone who will pursue me and struggle and fight with me but also be stronger than me to not let me run away with my stubborn self, yet willing to let me live out my independence.
I want someone who will be willing to run off and live with the homeless for a week with me, or something ridiculously crazy like that. Someone who knows what he's doing so that we'll both be safe in our crazy adventures. (Yes, I'm a little wild at heart too.)
I want someone who will not mind being a global nomad with me. Someone who will not preach or evangelise openly, but love every person with a strong tenderness that it will be difficult for them to not see the light of Christ in him.
And yes, (on a lighter note) I do want someone who will get me hot chocolate on a snowy day. Someone who will walk with me in the rain and sit at the beach and watch the sunrise with me. (Oh go gag all you want. Just leave me alone.)
And maybe what I want I will not have. But it will be ok. Because just as I learnt from the ashes to beauty story with Keren, sometimes when the story isn't written the way I want it to be, it turns out far more incredible than I can ever imagine.
Thursday, October 25, 2007
This is Me...
This is me putting myself out there...
What do you see in me?
Or who do you see me to be?
Over a random conversation with an acquaintance today, I realised that people have this image of me that may not be entirely false... But it brings back that whole theory of expectations. In their minds, they have set a standard for me. And sometimes I fear that these standards have been set too high because I appear too righteous.
Maybe I do have a high standard with regards to my views on relationships. I take marriage too seriously. I don't have a fancy dating history with a track record of captains of sports teams. I over-analyse all my friendships with the male species before determining what kind of friendship we have and how much I invest in each of these friendships. I fall in love quickly but I guard my heart like it's made of the most fragile material so that I never really give it away.
I thought this was just what I do. I never thought people saw this in me too.
Some days, I wish I could just be that girl that didn't care so much about getting in and out of relationships. The girl that others didn't have any expectations for. The girl who didn't live under all these rules.
But I know if I break away from the me that lived under all the rules, I wouldn't be me anymore. I don't hate the rules. I just wish people didn't see me as that non-rule-breaker.
I want to be taken seriously. But I don't.
I want to be the girl that anyone can joke with and not feel like I'm so socially awkward sometimes.
And yes, sometimes I even want to be the amazing cheerleader with the perky personality that all the quality guys fall for.
Ok, I take that last one back.
I'm content with what I have, but what I'm really saying is I just want to be the girl that people have fun with without feeling like I'm eating into their time, or that they should be doing something else. Something other than hanging out with me.
Maybe I'm just on another emotional low, having had very minimal contact with people lately to the point that I just want a little bit of approval that I don't totally suck at being social.
During my 30 day review today, Paula kept saying over and over again, you're doing a great job. You're overqualified for this job. They should give you more to do because you're so ... this and that. Really, does she know me well enough to talk about my work ethics yet? Not that I minded the positive feedback. I just felt like I haven't really got the chance to prove myself but they already love what I'm doing.
Wow. That just hit me. That's what love really is, isn't it? It's about accepting that person, regardless of whether or not that person has proven to be worth your time or your love.
That was a lot of honesty.
I'm probably going to regret this tomorrow.
P.S. Yes, I'm one-month old at Church of God Ministries :)
What do you see in me?
Or who do you see me to be?
Over a random conversation with an acquaintance today, I realised that people have this image of me that may not be entirely false... But it brings back that whole theory of expectations. In their minds, they have set a standard for me. And sometimes I fear that these standards have been set too high because I appear too righteous.
Maybe I do have a high standard with regards to my views on relationships. I take marriage too seriously. I don't have a fancy dating history with a track record of captains of sports teams. I over-analyse all my friendships with the male species before determining what kind of friendship we have and how much I invest in each of these friendships. I fall in love quickly but I guard my heart like it's made of the most fragile material so that I never really give it away.
I thought this was just what I do. I never thought people saw this in me too.
Some days, I wish I could just be that girl that didn't care so much about getting in and out of relationships. The girl that others didn't have any expectations for. The girl who didn't live under all these rules.
But I know if I break away from the me that lived under all the rules, I wouldn't be me anymore. I don't hate the rules. I just wish people didn't see me as that non-rule-breaker.
I want to be taken seriously. But I don't.
I want to be the girl that anyone can joke with and not feel like I'm so socially awkward sometimes.
And yes, sometimes I even want to be the amazing cheerleader with the perky personality that all the quality guys fall for.
Ok, I take that last one back.
I'm content with what I have, but what I'm really saying is I just want to be the girl that people have fun with without feeling like I'm eating into their time, or that they should be doing something else. Something other than hanging out with me.
Maybe I'm just on another emotional low, having had very minimal contact with people lately to the point that I just want a little bit of approval that I don't totally suck at being social.
During my 30 day review today, Paula kept saying over and over again, you're doing a great job. You're overqualified for this job. They should give you more to do because you're so ... this and that. Really, does she know me well enough to talk about my work ethics yet? Not that I minded the positive feedback. I just felt like I haven't really got the chance to prove myself but they already love what I'm doing.
Wow. That just hit me. That's what love really is, isn't it? It's about accepting that person, regardless of whether or not that person has proven to be worth your time or your love.
That was a lot of honesty.
I'm probably going to regret this tomorrow.
P.S. Yes, I'm one-month old at Church of God Ministries :)
Tuesday, October 23, 2007
...
need to go to bed soon, but a few quick thoughts...
Sometimes I think I don't try hard enough. Or I give up too quickly.
But is it worth trying if you're the only one trying?
No matter what they say, things will never be the same again.
I feel like I didn't just lose her. I lost you as well.
Maybe it's really time to let go.
Maybe what she said may have been really harsh, but it might be true.
Maybe it's really time to just let go of some because I can't keep all.
Sometimes I think I don't try hard enough. Or I give up too quickly.
But is it worth trying if you're the only one trying?
No matter what they say, things will never be the same again.
I feel like I didn't just lose her. I lost you as well.
Maybe it's really time to let go.
Maybe what she said may have been really harsh, but it might be true.
Maybe it's really time to just let go of some because I can't keep all.
Thinking Aloud...
I set WAY too high expectations for myself, thinking that's the least others expect from me. Even the people at work know that I do that way too much. Great.
I survived my second automobile accident yesterday. And let me just talk about this for a second.
I know it wasn't entirely my fault because I did try to brake early. I had been going 5 under the speed limit because of the pouring rain to the point that the tailgaters behind me were probably going nuts. I had been careful about stopping, but that time, my brake just didn't seem to listen. Apparently it was too attracted to the pretty red car in front of it that it just wanted to kiss it even though I had stepped all the way down on the brakes and even started yelling, STOP. FREAKIN' STOP! But nope, didn't work.
Anyway, after I hit the guy in front, my only thought was, crap. Now what? Then the guy in front decides he was going to come out and accuse me of being on the cellphone. My mum said I should have punched him in the face. You know, if I had been thinking straight at the time, I might have, instead of timidly apologising. Not every 20+ year old drives recklessly alright, old guy? And he proceeds to bark "get into the car and wait till the cops get here. Turn on your blinkers."
I felt like a little kid that just got sent into time out for eating a cookie.
Anyways, after that nasty confrontation, I got back into the car. I had only one thought in my head: this was how Keren died.
Wow. This is the first time I actually wrote Keren and died in the same sentence. I know it wasn't the same, but it hit me for the first time, this was vaguely similar to what happened to her.
And this is also the first time I told anyone the other thought (besides "oh crap, now what?") that ran through my head when this all happened. I figured now that the important people know the important details, I can talk about how I felt then.
It wasn't until after the cops came and asked if I was hurt that I realised I really could have been hurt really badly.
Funny how the timing worked out so "coincidentally."
..I hadn't known that the Johnsons were back in town from their Asia tour until Sidney stopped by the office earlier to talk to Ed. So when it all happened, my first instinct (besides, oh crap, now what?) was to call them. In all the shock, I didn't even stop to think about the timing or worry that they weren't back, or what it meant that I had seen them that morning until just before I went to bed last night.
..I had called Danielle earlier to ask if she wanted to go to Meijer with me, but she didn't pick up her call so I left her a voicemail. She called me back just as the Johnsons were leaving after dropping me off at home, just in time to hear my voice and say "what's wrong?" Of course, this all ended with her coming over to watch the Colts win another game and me staying up till midnight and constantly wanting to doze off at work today. Which honestly, I didn't care. If she hadn't come over and stayed as late as she did, I'd have spent my night idling away like I am now, driving myself crazy.
..And the lunch appointment with Hannah today nearly got cancelled. I would have been miserable walking home to eat by myself because I can't go anywhere. I didn't even think about this until now.
..And tomorrow Joyce, Amanda and I are going out to lunch, so I wouldn't have to eat alone either. This lunch date had already been set up last week, so it wasn't like it was planned or anything.
Or was it all really not planned?
There's a song that I've been hearing on the radio that's always been just kind of blah for me. But suddenly when I heard it last night, I actually paid a little more attention to the words. I was going to add a little bit more of my own commentary/thoughts about the song, but what's the point? I'll let the words speak for itself...
Bring the Rain (MercyMe)
I can count a million times
People asking me how I
Can praise You with all that I've gone through
The question just amazes me
Can circumstances possibly
Change who I forever am in You
Maybe since my life was changed
Long before these rainy days
It's never really ever crossed my mind
To turn my back on you, oh Lord
My only shelter from the storm
But instead I draw closer through these times
So I pray
Bring me joy, bring me peace
Bring the chance to be free
Bring me anything that brings You glory
And I know there'll be days
When this life brings me pain
But if that's what it takes to praise You
Jesus, bring the rain
I am Yours regardless of
The dark clouds that may loom above
Because You are much greater than my pain
You who made a way for me
By suffering Your destiny
So tell me what's a little rain
So I pray
Holy, holy, holy
Is the Lord God Almighty
On a related note,
I've been crying a lot lately. Joshua and April will be proud. I'm normal again :)
I survived my second automobile accident yesterday. And let me just talk about this for a second.
I know it wasn't entirely my fault because I did try to brake early. I had been going 5 under the speed limit because of the pouring rain to the point that the tailgaters behind me were probably going nuts. I had been careful about stopping, but that time, my brake just didn't seem to listen. Apparently it was too attracted to the pretty red car in front of it that it just wanted to kiss it even though I had stepped all the way down on the brakes and even started yelling, STOP. FREAKIN' STOP! But nope, didn't work.
Anyway, after I hit the guy in front, my only thought was, crap. Now what? Then the guy in front decides he was going to come out and accuse me of being on the cellphone. My mum said I should have punched him in the face. You know, if I had been thinking straight at the time, I might have, instead of timidly apologising. Not every 20+ year old drives recklessly alright, old guy? And he proceeds to bark "get into the car and wait till the cops get here. Turn on your blinkers."
I felt like a little kid that just got sent into time out for eating a cookie.
Anyways, after that nasty confrontation, I got back into the car. I had only one thought in my head: this was how Keren died.
Wow. This is the first time I actually wrote Keren and died in the same sentence. I know it wasn't the same, but it hit me for the first time, this was vaguely similar to what happened to her.
And this is also the first time I told anyone the other thought (besides "oh crap, now what?") that ran through my head when this all happened. I figured now that the important people know the important details, I can talk about how I felt then.
It wasn't until after the cops came and asked if I was hurt that I realised I really could have been hurt really badly.
Funny how the timing worked out so "coincidentally."
..I hadn't known that the Johnsons were back in town from their Asia tour until Sidney stopped by the office earlier to talk to Ed. So when it all happened, my first instinct (besides, oh crap, now what?) was to call them. In all the shock, I didn't even stop to think about the timing or worry that they weren't back, or what it meant that I had seen them that morning until just before I went to bed last night.
..I had called Danielle earlier to ask if she wanted to go to Meijer with me, but she didn't pick up her call so I left her a voicemail. She called me back just as the Johnsons were leaving after dropping me off at home, just in time to hear my voice and say "what's wrong?" Of course, this all ended with her coming over to watch the Colts win another game and me staying up till midnight and constantly wanting to doze off at work today. Which honestly, I didn't care. If she hadn't come over and stayed as late as she did, I'd have spent my night idling away like I am now, driving myself crazy.
..And the lunch appointment with Hannah today nearly got cancelled. I would have been miserable walking home to eat by myself because I can't go anywhere. I didn't even think about this until now.
..And tomorrow Joyce, Amanda and I are going out to lunch, so I wouldn't have to eat alone either. This lunch date had already been set up last week, so it wasn't like it was planned or anything.
Or was it all really not planned?
There's a song that I've been hearing on the radio that's always been just kind of blah for me. But suddenly when I heard it last night, I actually paid a little more attention to the words. I was going to add a little bit more of my own commentary/thoughts about the song, but what's the point? I'll let the words speak for itself...
Bring the Rain (MercyMe)
I can count a million times
People asking me how I
Can praise You with all that I've gone through
The question just amazes me
Can circumstances possibly
Change who I forever am in You
Maybe since my life was changed
Long before these rainy days
It's never really ever crossed my mind
To turn my back on you, oh Lord
My only shelter from the storm
But instead I draw closer through these times
So I pray
Bring me joy, bring me peace
Bring the chance to be free
Bring me anything that brings You glory
And I know there'll be days
When this life brings me pain
But if that's what it takes to praise You
Jesus, bring the rain
I am Yours regardless of
The dark clouds that may loom above
Because You are much greater than my pain
You who made a way for me
By suffering Your destiny
So tell me what's a little rain
So I pray
Holy, holy, holy
Is the Lord God Almighty
On a related note,
I've been crying a lot lately. Joshua and April will be proud. I'm normal again :)
Sunday, October 21, 2007
Love Actually...
I was in the public library today looking for the final season of Felicity, but it wasn't available. So I ended up browsing around looking for something else to borrow. One of the titles that I thought of borrowing was Love Actually.
I remembered watching that movie some time last summer with the girls. But I remember more thinking how cheesey their portrayal of love was.
So the question was raised again recently by various friends, mostly indirectly. What, actually, is love?
I could quote the love chapter in 1 Corinthians 13 about what love is or isn't, and even though it is Biblical, it kind of puts a hedge around the definition of love.
Love is the greatest, and some would define it as the only commandment of the Christian journey. Which is true, but what does loving really look like?
I remember last week during the NAC 2009 Centennial Planning Committee meeting that we got into a big discussion of how we were going to portray the theme for that year, "Living Out the Love of Christ." There was a whole discussion of what love is or isn't, until someone finally pointed out that even if we were to talk about what love is or isn't, it doesn't put any practicality into it, and it would just end up being another "talk-the-talk" kind of thing. Not appealing to the generation in need of "how do we put words into action?"
But talk is cheap. So what really, is love?
"Above all, put on love. For love covers a multitude of sins."
One thing I learnt from being in a relationship with someone is that you don't change yourself for them. Not unless the change is for the better. If it's merely a matter of preferance, what is going to happen when the someone you love changes preferance? What if today his favourite colour is purple, and tomorrow it's pink? What if today she loves coke and tomorrow she likes green tea? Preferances change. Should we change these little things for the person we love?
Or what if it was a matter of I don't like you hanging out with her even though you've been best friends for as long as you can remember? Should it be I don't like you hanging out with her because I don't like her jeans, or should it be I don't like you hanging out with her because she's manipulative?
It's the same kind of love a parent would give to their child. Normal parents (again, I'm using generic stereotypes here, but bear with me) don't get jealous of their kids spending time with their friends. They get upset when their kids are hanging out with people who would feed them crack and marijuana. Of course, there are also unfair statements like, I don't like you hanging out with that black kid, or those Indians are useless, don't spend your time with them.
Man, I'm tired. That's all for now.
I remembered watching that movie some time last summer with the girls. But I remember more thinking how cheesey their portrayal of love was.
So the question was raised again recently by various friends, mostly indirectly. What, actually, is love?
I could quote the love chapter in 1 Corinthians 13 about what love is or isn't, and even though it is Biblical, it kind of puts a hedge around the definition of love.
Love is the greatest, and some would define it as the only commandment of the Christian journey. Which is true, but what does loving really look like?
I remember last week during the NAC 2009 Centennial Planning Committee meeting that we got into a big discussion of how we were going to portray the theme for that year, "Living Out the Love of Christ." There was a whole discussion of what love is or isn't, until someone finally pointed out that even if we were to talk about what love is or isn't, it doesn't put any practicality into it, and it would just end up being another "talk-the-talk" kind of thing. Not appealing to the generation in need of "how do we put words into action?"
But talk is cheap. So what really, is love?
"Above all, put on love. For love covers a multitude of sins."
One thing I learnt from being in a relationship with someone is that you don't change yourself for them. Not unless the change is for the better. If it's merely a matter of preferance, what is going to happen when the someone you love changes preferance? What if today his favourite colour is purple, and tomorrow it's pink? What if today she loves coke and tomorrow she likes green tea? Preferances change. Should we change these little things for the person we love?
Or what if it was a matter of I don't like you hanging out with her even though you've been best friends for as long as you can remember? Should it be I don't like you hanging out with her because I don't like her jeans, or should it be I don't like you hanging out with her because she's manipulative?
It's the same kind of love a parent would give to their child. Normal parents (again, I'm using generic stereotypes here, but bear with me) don't get jealous of their kids spending time with their friends. They get upset when their kids are hanging out with people who would feed them crack and marijuana. Of course, there are also unfair statements like, I don't like you hanging out with that black kid, or those Indians are useless, don't spend your time with them.
Man, I'm tired. That's all for now.
Saturday, October 20, 2007
Random...
"College is cruel ... You come not knowing anyone. And then you start meeting all these people and you think you're going to be friends forever ... And then graduation comes" - Felicity
I realised that I've really had a change of scene every 2 years. Maybe that's why now even though a big part of me wants to stay and try, there's the other part that says the 2 years are up.
Emotionally messed up because of the lack of intimate community. But at least I know I'm starting to get messed up so hopefully I'll take care of that before it gets worse.
I really enjoyed meeting new people today.
There's something fishy going on between those 2, but I'm not going to give names and start rumours although a big part of me really wants to :)
Manuel is a lot funnier than I thought he'd be.
Autumn reminds me a lot of Suzi. I don't really know why.
I wish Patricia and I got to talk a little longer today, but I think it probably was a good thing that we didn't or I would have spilled the beans.
Forgive me for not trying. I'm really exhausted now. And I know I'm doing to you what they are doing to me. And it's not fair. So I'm just going to drop it all now.
Started on my "world of memories" project today. Looking through all the old pictures brought back a lot of memories. Some good, some bad. Some, of course, made me really sad.
Looking forward to going home to Ah Ma's soups and my mum's cooking again. Other than that, this is kind of what the schedule looks like so far...
Friday, 21 Dec: Work and probably packing because I pack better last minute haha
Saturday, 22 Dec: Leave for the airport
Sunday, 23 Dec: To be spent somewhere over the Pacific, arriving 11:59pm in Singapore
Monday, 24 Dec: ?? probably Church stuff? (COG people... What's going on for Christmas? Carolling? Cantata?)
Tuesday, 25 Dec: Family time/maybe Church stuff?
Wednesday, 26 Dec: Juan's day. Walking around Katong then baking cookies.
Thursday, 27 Dec: ?
Friday, 28 Dec: ?
Saturday, 29 Dec: ?
Sunday, 30 Dec: ?
Monday, 31 Dec: ?
Tuesday, 1 Jan: ?
Wednesday, 2 Jan: flight leaves for Indy at 8:35 am
Thursday, 3 Jan: Back to work!
Here's what needs to get on the schedule: (in order of urgency)
..Family outing to Sentosa
..hair-cut
..mahjong session with Elroy and probably Elsa?
..People who have asked to meet up (besides above-mentioned): Yulin, Emma, maybe Cheryl?
So yeah, I'm going home. If you want to meet up, I'll try, but you have to contact me and... my time is really short! And like I said before, family, church and Juan first, and that has been partly taken care of, so shoot me an e-mail or Facebook message or something!
Every time I think of home, there are a few places that ALWAYS flash through my head.
..The green overhead bridge outside Parkway. I wonder if it's still green. Don't ask me why just the bridge though...
..The bus-stop outside TK. Too many memories...
..That one street in Tampines close to SHPS and Prime Supermart leading to the neighbourhood that relatives on my mum's side have moved in and out of. Funny how of all the areas in Tampines, that's the one I'll ALWAYS remember. Maybe it's because Mummy always drove that way when we were going to visit whoever it was who lived there.
..The playground between Blk 837 and Blk 839 in Tampines. The kids always played there... even during Wai Gong's funeral.
..Pasir Ris MRT station. :) The first couple of weeks at MJ, and how the TK girls always met to take #3 to school. And the first 3 months days when our gang would study together and go home together. And... so much more.
..A few shops in White Sands. In particular, Mac and the escalator beside it, and the watch shop.
..The basement of Parkway. Wondering around aimlessly, killing time or looking for a birthday present for someone. The flower shop before SYF finals.
..That one corridor in MJ. The Arts kids, both first 3 months and after, used to hang out there. And playing Neopets in the library with Jun Hao, and getting laughed at by Darren. :)
..Bedok Food Center. Mmm... the thought of the food is making me hungry.
..Paya Lebar MRT. One of the more common TK girls meeting places
..The Sentosa hawker center with the hor fun. Memories with the cousins and that one particular field-trip in P5 or P6 where the teachers let us wander around by ourselves for a little bit and we felt so grown-up. Carolyn Khoo, Kenneth Kwan, Eddie Cai and I somehow ended up at the hawker center for lunch. Which reminds me... I ran into Kenneth and Rui Jie somewhere in Orchard last year when Lee Mei, Elsa, Nicholas and I were out to see the lights. But I don't think they remember me...
..Downtown East. All the college celebrations, and the MJ memories.
..Those few spots in East Coast: the place near the 7-11 where the December Friends used to hang out; the Bayshore entrance where Pa, Ko and I would enter whenever we rode our bikes and when we were leaving cross-country during the TK days; the TK cross-country spot, the old FCBC entrance, and of course, the spot near the seafood centre where the kids would always run and play whenever we had family reunions :)
I guess that's all for now... Leaving in 62 days :)
"Tell me when the time we had slipped away
Tomorrow turned to yesterday
And I don't know how
Tell me what can stop this river of tears
It's been building up for years
For this moment now
Here I stand
Arms open wide
I've held ya close
Kept ya safe
Till you could fly
Tell me where the road ahead is gonna bend
And how to harness up the wind
And how to say goodbye
Tell me why
Why does following your dreams
Take you far away from me
And I knew that it would
Tell me how to fill the space you left behind
And how to laugh instead of cry
And how to say goodbye
Here I stand
Arms open wide
I've held ya close
Kept ya safe
Till you could fly
Tell me where the road ahead is gonna bend
And how to harness up the wind"
Still missing you KEB. Thanks for... well... Thanks
I realised that I've really had a change of scene every 2 years. Maybe that's why now even though a big part of me wants to stay and try, there's the other part that says the 2 years are up.
Emotionally messed up because of the lack of intimate community. But at least I know I'm starting to get messed up so hopefully I'll take care of that before it gets worse.
I really enjoyed meeting new people today.
There's something fishy going on between those 2, but I'm not going to give names and start rumours although a big part of me really wants to :)
Manuel is a lot funnier than I thought he'd be.
Autumn reminds me a lot of Suzi. I don't really know why.
I wish Patricia and I got to talk a little longer today, but I think it probably was a good thing that we didn't or I would have spilled the beans.
Forgive me for not trying. I'm really exhausted now. And I know I'm doing to you what they are doing to me. And it's not fair. So I'm just going to drop it all now.
Started on my "world of memories" project today. Looking through all the old pictures brought back a lot of memories. Some good, some bad. Some, of course, made me really sad.
Looking forward to going home to Ah Ma's soups and my mum's cooking again. Other than that, this is kind of what the schedule looks like so far...
Friday, 21 Dec: Work and probably packing because I pack better last minute haha
Saturday, 22 Dec: Leave for the airport
Sunday, 23 Dec: To be spent somewhere over the Pacific, arriving 11:59pm in Singapore
Monday, 24 Dec: ?? probably Church stuff? (COG people... What's going on for Christmas? Carolling? Cantata?)
Tuesday, 25 Dec: Family time/maybe Church stuff?
Wednesday, 26 Dec: Juan's day. Walking around Katong then baking cookies.
Thursday, 27 Dec: ?
Friday, 28 Dec: ?
Saturday, 29 Dec: ?
Sunday, 30 Dec: ?
Monday, 31 Dec: ?
Tuesday, 1 Jan: ?
Wednesday, 2 Jan: flight leaves for Indy at 8:35 am
Thursday, 3 Jan: Back to work!
Here's what needs to get on the schedule: (in order of urgency)
..Family outing to Sentosa
..hair-cut
..mahjong session with Elroy and probably Elsa?
..People who have asked to meet up (besides above-mentioned): Yulin, Emma, maybe Cheryl?
So yeah, I'm going home. If you want to meet up, I'll try, but you have to contact me and... my time is really short! And like I said before, family, church and Juan first, and that has been partly taken care of, so shoot me an e-mail or Facebook message or something!
Every time I think of home, there are a few places that ALWAYS flash through my head.
..The green overhead bridge outside Parkway. I wonder if it's still green. Don't ask me why just the bridge though...
..The bus-stop outside TK. Too many memories...
..That one street in Tampines close to SHPS and Prime Supermart leading to the neighbourhood that relatives on my mum's side have moved in and out of. Funny how of all the areas in Tampines, that's the one I'll ALWAYS remember. Maybe it's because Mummy always drove that way when we were going to visit whoever it was who lived there.
..The playground between Blk 837 and Blk 839 in Tampines. The kids always played there... even during Wai Gong's funeral.
..Pasir Ris MRT station. :) The first couple of weeks at MJ, and how the TK girls always met to take #3 to school. And the first 3 months days when our gang would study together and go home together. And... so much more.
..A few shops in White Sands. In particular, Mac and the escalator beside it, and the watch shop.
..The basement of Parkway. Wondering around aimlessly, killing time or looking for a birthday present for someone. The flower shop before SYF finals.
..That one corridor in MJ. The Arts kids, both first 3 months and after, used to hang out there. And playing Neopets in the library with Jun Hao, and getting laughed at by Darren. :)
..Bedok Food Center. Mmm... the thought of the food is making me hungry.
..Paya Lebar MRT. One of the more common TK girls meeting places
..The Sentosa hawker center with the hor fun. Memories with the cousins and that one particular field-trip in P5 or P6 where the teachers let us wander around by ourselves for a little bit and we felt so grown-up. Carolyn Khoo, Kenneth Kwan, Eddie Cai and I somehow ended up at the hawker center for lunch. Which reminds me... I ran into Kenneth and Rui Jie somewhere in Orchard last year when Lee Mei, Elsa, Nicholas and I were out to see the lights. But I don't think they remember me...
..Downtown East. All the college celebrations, and the MJ memories.
..Those few spots in East Coast: the place near the 7-11 where the December Friends used to hang out; the Bayshore entrance where Pa, Ko and I would enter whenever we rode our bikes and when we were leaving cross-country during the TK days; the TK cross-country spot, the old FCBC entrance, and of course, the spot near the seafood centre where the kids would always run and play whenever we had family reunions :)
I guess that's all for now... Leaving in 62 days :)
"Tell me when the time we had slipped away
Tomorrow turned to yesterday
And I don't know how
Tell me what can stop this river of tears
It's been building up for years
For this moment now
Here I stand
Arms open wide
I've held ya close
Kept ya safe
Till you could fly
Tell me where the road ahead is gonna bend
And how to harness up the wind
And how to say goodbye
Tell me why
Why does following your dreams
Take you far away from me
And I knew that it would
Tell me how to fill the space you left behind
And how to laugh instead of cry
And how to say goodbye
Here I stand
Arms open wide
I've held ya close
Kept ya safe
Till you could fly
Tell me where the road ahead is gonna bend
And how to harness up the wind"
Still missing you KEB. Thanks for... well... Thanks
Remind me again, my community's changing...
I guess it's for the best that my only constant contact with the college community is through Danielle. That whole discussion about living in a college town, and possibly never letting go of college life is probably never really going to become a real issue since I've pretty much become a hermit.
I realised that part of this is because I went from being surround by people to almost total isolation in 2 months flat. Which is pretty extreme, but not totally unmanageable. I spent my Friday night shopping and talking on the phone to Danielle for a whole hour while I was shopping till the battery started screaming for its life. And then I didn't end up buying anything except dinner, then coming home to finish Season 3 of Felicity, and then shopping some more online.
Surprisingly, I almost enjoy being alone. I know it's not the healthiest situation to be in, but I will settle into a routine and start going out and spending time with people and all that. But for now, this is good.
I'm starting to process a little further the impact of what happened to Keren. I'm thinking more about her life, the way she lived it. I want to live a life like hers, celebrating every moment and savouring every bit of life the way she did. I may never live as vibrant a life as she did, or impact people the way she did, but I just want to live out her legacy. Not necessarily live out her dreams, but just... living my life the way she would have. Even if I'm going to be a global nomad, wherever I set up my tent for that period of time, I will make the most of it.
And perhaps that's why I'm shutting myself in again. Because I've been socialised into thinking that every 2 years or so, I need a change of environment. Every 2 years or so, I need a new group of friends. And with graduation, the whole separation anxiety thing is settling in again. And I know that I promised Patricia I'll never drift away. But from some people, or from a lot of people, I have.
My community is changing. It will continue to change. I guess the whole MK theory doesn't just apply to MKs.
Danielle and the ladies whom I do Bible Study with, your prayers have been answered, at least in a small way today. And the COGYs who remember this prayer from 3 years ago about "that one friend," that prayer has consistently been answered too.
Hey Dad, thanks for keeping Your promises; not only to me, but to those who have been praying for me.
I realised that part of this is because I went from being surround by people to almost total isolation in 2 months flat. Which is pretty extreme, but not totally unmanageable. I spent my Friday night shopping and talking on the phone to Danielle for a whole hour while I was shopping till the battery started screaming for its life. And then I didn't end up buying anything except dinner, then coming home to finish Season 3 of Felicity, and then shopping some more online.
Surprisingly, I almost enjoy being alone. I know it's not the healthiest situation to be in, but I will settle into a routine and start going out and spending time with people and all that. But for now, this is good.
I'm starting to process a little further the impact of what happened to Keren. I'm thinking more about her life, the way she lived it. I want to live a life like hers, celebrating every moment and savouring every bit of life the way she did. I may never live as vibrant a life as she did, or impact people the way she did, but I just want to live out her legacy. Not necessarily live out her dreams, but just... living my life the way she would have. Even if I'm going to be a global nomad, wherever I set up my tent for that period of time, I will make the most of it.
And perhaps that's why I'm shutting myself in again. Because I've been socialised into thinking that every 2 years or so, I need a change of environment. Every 2 years or so, I need a new group of friends. And with graduation, the whole separation anxiety thing is settling in again. And I know that I promised Patricia I'll never drift away. But from some people, or from a lot of people, I have.
My community is changing. It will continue to change. I guess the whole MK theory doesn't just apply to MKs.
Danielle and the ladies whom I do Bible Study with, your prayers have been answered, at least in a small way today. And the COGYs who remember this prayer from 3 years ago about "that one friend," that prayer has consistently been answered too.
Hey Dad, thanks for keeping Your promises; not only to me, but to those who have been praying for me.
Thursday, October 18, 2007
-untitled-
I don't know if I can handle this newly defined community for very long, but for now, this has been incredible. It's not exactly what I want it to look like, but I've been blessed.
The Olivers, the Wrights, the Schaffters, the Peddigrews, the Westons, that older couple, whom I really should learn their names, and their son, Wayne ... the wonderful family at Chesterfield.
Paula, Joyce, Amanda, both Sharons, Bob, Debbie, Candy, Roz, Jeannette, Sandi, Ed ... the amazing people I work with at COG Ministries.
Patricia and Danielle ... the peers I can lean on here.
Keren whose memory lives on.
The occasional appearances of Ryan, Crystal, Crispin, B-row, Gail and Jason, Kelvin, Jacqui ... reminding me of what it used to be like.
And of course, Juan, the long-time faithful friend who's stuck with me and pestered me to not lose touch but at the same time wasn't overwhelming.
To each one of you, you have been angels.
Thanks for being family.
The Olivers, the Wrights, the Schaffters, the Peddigrews, the Westons, that older couple, whom I really should learn their names, and their son, Wayne ... the wonderful family at Chesterfield.
Paula, Joyce, Amanda, both Sharons, Bob, Debbie, Candy, Roz, Jeannette, Sandi, Ed ... the amazing people I work with at COG Ministries.
Patricia and Danielle ... the peers I can lean on here.
Keren whose memory lives on.
The occasional appearances of Ryan, Crystal, Crispin, B-row, Gail and Jason, Kelvin, Jacqui ... reminding me of what it used to be like.
And of course, Juan, the long-time faithful friend who's stuck with me and pestered me to not lose touch but at the same time wasn't overwhelming.
To each one of you, you have been angels.
Thanks for being family.
Tuesday, October 16, 2007
Announcement, Announcement
Paula came up to me at about 4+ today to borrow a pen. Next thing I knew, she was telling me that my leave request had been approved. Which means...
I'LL BE HOME FOR CHRISTMAS!!!
Yup, but I won't get to stay for as long as usual, so if you want to hang out, let me know soon so that I can pack everyone into the schedule. Of course, family, church and Juan comes first, so if I don't end up having time for everyone, sorry! Tentatively, I'm arriving at midnight on Christmas Eve, leaving the morning after New Year's Eve.
On a related note...
I found another bunch of people from home on Facebook today. It suddenly brought back a ton of memories. But more importantly, it reminded me of how much I've changed since 3 years ago. I guess the me you see on Facebook is probably not the me you remember from 3 years ago anymore. Not unless you've allowed me to journey with you over the last 3 years.
And for once, I'm going back to Singapore NOT as a student anymore. Or as a kid, for that matter.
Funny how the year I turned 21 is/was a big year. I graduated, moved into a house all by myself, paying bills and stuff. I got my driver's license, a car and a job - 2 jobs, actually.
Funny how everything just seemed to fall into place for me. I don't mean to brag, but I never thought I'd be the girl who would have it all together at 21. Sure, these are not big achievements worthy of a Noble Price, but they are achievements that have brought me to a place of peaceful contentment.
Not that I'm really all THAT together because there are a few wounds that will continue to remind me that I'm still human. But besides those few wounds, I've been so incredibly blessed that there is just no way I can ever think for a minute that there isn't a someone greater who is in control of my life. If you want to think it's fate or destiny, it's ok with me. But I do believe in a God.
"God is bigger than the air I breathe, the world we'll leave.
God will save the day, and all will say, my glorious."
I'LL BE HOME FOR CHRISTMAS!!!
Yup, but I won't get to stay for as long as usual, so if you want to hang out, let me know soon so that I can pack everyone into the schedule. Of course, family, church and Juan comes first, so if I don't end up having time for everyone, sorry! Tentatively, I'm arriving at midnight on Christmas Eve, leaving the morning after New Year's Eve.
On a related note...
I found another bunch of people from home on Facebook today. It suddenly brought back a ton of memories. But more importantly, it reminded me of how much I've changed since 3 years ago. I guess the me you see on Facebook is probably not the me you remember from 3 years ago anymore. Not unless you've allowed me to journey with you over the last 3 years.
And for once, I'm going back to Singapore NOT as a student anymore. Or as a kid, for that matter.
Funny how the year I turned 21 is/was a big year. I graduated, moved into a house all by myself, paying bills and stuff. I got my driver's license, a car and a job - 2 jobs, actually.
Funny how everything just seemed to fall into place for me. I don't mean to brag, but I never thought I'd be the girl who would have it all together at 21. Sure, these are not big achievements worthy of a Noble Price, but they are achievements that have brought me to a place of peaceful contentment.
Not that I'm really all THAT together because there are a few wounds that will continue to remind me that I'm still human. But besides those few wounds, I've been so incredibly blessed that there is just no way I can ever think for a minute that there isn't a someone greater who is in control of my life. If you want to think it's fate or destiny, it's ok with me. But I do believe in a God.
"God is bigger than the air I breathe, the world we'll leave.
God will save the day, and all will say, my glorious."
Tuesday, October 09, 2007
Strangers on the Same Island...
Jeannette talked today about how we can build more unity as a team. Funny how community is built in the workplace.
About a week ago, I was driving around with a flat on my front right tire. I only knew this because one of the guys I worked with told me about it. He even told me that he will look up a few places and let me know how to get there so they can fix it for me. Well, I didn't get that fixed because I didn't have time last week with all the unpacking I still had to do.
Today, as I got to my desk, Ryan pointed out to me how flat my tire was. He then called Brad to ask if he could help me fix it before I left today. Brad told me to call about 10 minutes before I leave today and they will come get it fixed.
Roz walks by as I was going to get my hot water for tea and asks how I am. I replied, sore. I haven't been sleeping very well on my makeshift bed and she's like, oh my goodness we need to get you a mattress! Do you have time today to send out an e-mail to the Employee Bulletin Board? Because if you don't, I'll send one out for you.
Just before I was heading out to lunch, I sent an e-mail out about the mattress. 10 minutes later, I got one.
Susan was going to run out to Wendy's to get food so she asked if she could get me anything. Sharon Hackney noticed I was still at my desk after noon and asked if I had anything to eat because if I didn't, she always had soup in her office just in case.
After Susan came back with our food, Paula calls back to tell me that she noticed I had a flat. I just said, yeah I know.
Then Cheryl walks by as she was going down to get the mail and she tells me the same thing. I was like, does EVERYONE in this office know about this?? And Cheryl was like, well, I was with Paula as she was pulling out so I knew about it.
Then as Susan returns with lunch, she tells me that Bob Fernandez had called to tell me that after we get out of our KMT meeting, I should give him a call and he will go get my tire fixed.
I came back after the other meeting for the Centennial Business Planning meeting and got an e-mail from Aaron saying that I should shoot him an e-mail to let him know what needs to be done with my tire. I replied saying that I wasn't entirely sure what was done.
Then later as I was passing by Bob's office, he hollered for me to check in with them. Brad and Aaron were in there with him. Aaron got my key and went and put in my spare tire.
Somehow, I've only been there 2 weeks, but everyone already knew which car was mine, and were all so eager to help. I don't know what more I could ask for.
Praise God from whom all blessings flow!
About a week ago, I was driving around with a flat on my front right tire. I only knew this because one of the guys I worked with told me about it. He even told me that he will look up a few places and let me know how to get there so they can fix it for me. Well, I didn't get that fixed because I didn't have time last week with all the unpacking I still had to do.
Today, as I got to my desk, Ryan pointed out to me how flat my tire was. He then called Brad to ask if he could help me fix it before I left today. Brad told me to call about 10 minutes before I leave today and they will come get it fixed.
Roz walks by as I was going to get my hot water for tea and asks how I am. I replied, sore. I haven't been sleeping very well on my makeshift bed and she's like, oh my goodness we need to get you a mattress! Do you have time today to send out an e-mail to the Employee Bulletin Board? Because if you don't, I'll send one out for you.
Just before I was heading out to lunch, I sent an e-mail out about the mattress. 10 minutes later, I got one.
Susan was going to run out to Wendy's to get food so she asked if she could get me anything. Sharon Hackney noticed I was still at my desk after noon and asked if I had anything to eat because if I didn't, she always had soup in her office just in case.
After Susan came back with our food, Paula calls back to tell me that she noticed I had a flat. I just said, yeah I know.
Then Cheryl walks by as she was going down to get the mail and she tells me the same thing. I was like, does EVERYONE in this office know about this?? And Cheryl was like, well, I was with Paula as she was pulling out so I knew about it.
Then as Susan returns with lunch, she tells me that Bob Fernandez had called to tell me that after we get out of our KMT meeting, I should give him a call and he will go get my tire fixed.
I came back after the other meeting for the Centennial Business Planning meeting and got an e-mail from Aaron saying that I should shoot him an e-mail to let him know what needs to be done with my tire. I replied saying that I wasn't entirely sure what was done.
Then later as I was passing by Bob's office, he hollered for me to check in with them. Brad and Aaron were in there with him. Aaron got my key and went and put in my spare tire.
Somehow, I've only been there 2 weeks, but everyone already knew which car was mine, and were all so eager to help. I don't know what more I could ask for.
Praise God from whom all blessings flow!
Monday, October 08, 2007
Because I Don't Give Thanks Enough...
If anyone had asked me 2 months ago what I was going to do with my life, I would have said I don't know. Because the truth is, 2 months ago, everything in my life was starting to fall apart. But the beauty of it all is that God makes beauty out of ashes.
2 months ago, I came back from a well-deserved trip, convinced that God did have a plan for my life even if I had no idea what that looked like at the time. All I knew was, I was going to leave Anderson in a couple days on another trip, and in between that time, I was to have an interview at a church that I wasn't too keen about interviewing with at that time. My heart was still deeply rooted in being at Park Place and even though I knew God was calling me somewhere else, it was with much reluctance that I left.
But things changed. I didn't end up leaving for my other trip because 2 days after I got back, the day before I was scheduled to leave for the trip, something happened to a very close friend of mine. It wasn't the way I had planned it to be. I was supposed to go back to South Dakota to be with the kids that I had fallen in love with and to "do God's work." Or so I thought. But as it always is, God's plans are always bigger than mine.
For the next 2 weeks or so after Keren's accident, I found it difficult to function as a normal person. There was much for me to rejoice about - the new job at Chesterfield, and much more. God's beautiful plan continued to unfold even while I was hurting. And it didn't feel normal to be happy about all that I was given because the one thing that was taken away seemed so much bigger than all the other little blessings.
The next month was a blur. There were only a few things that I remembered. I remembered the Freer-Frys hospitality. I remembered fostering deep bonds with a lot of people that I never thought I would. I remembered calling Patricia a lot more than I did the entire summer. I remembered that weekend in the hospital and Danielle letting me cry in her arms. I remembered walking in the rain, reliving the memories with Keren. I remembered Ruth's words to me at Chesterfield the Sunday after they took Keren of life-support. She barely knew me then, but somehow I felt like I already connected with her because of those few words that she shared. I remembered the hugs. I remembered how once again, Keren shared her friendship and her friends, bringing people together the way she always did.
I remembered crocheting a lot. That was almost all I could do because everything else hurt too much. But I also remember, at some point during that time of numbness, 2 angels came alongside me and found me a car. These 2 angels were also the ones whose car I had wrecked when I took my driver's test the first time. One of them was also there when I went to the site of Keren's accident for the first time. He knew how much it would hurt. And I think he also partly wanted to be there for me when I was hurting. These 2 angels also brought me a ton of furniture for my new place and really helped me connect with people that helped me find my job. To these 2 angels, I can never thank you enough even if you won't ever read this.
I remembered feeling very, very alone in my hurting. No one seemed to want to talk about how they were really feeling because everyone seemed to be hurting too much. And it seemed like if one of us were to bring it up, everyone would just crash all at the same time. Everyone who knew and loved Keren were too much like her. It was difficult admitting we couldn't be strong for others because we were too used to being the strong ones who would let others cry on us. But now, none of "the strong ones" could be strong. And I can't speak for everyone else, but I found myself being too prideful to ask for help. The pain was overbearing, but still I tried to stay strong by myself. That was the first time I had a real taste of community.
I also remember that at some point, I interviewed with Church of God Ministries and landed a job as the Global Missions Administrative Assistant. And around that time, I found out that some other people I graduated with didn't get their OPT approved, and I was worried that would happen to me as well because I hadn't heard back from the immigration folks in a long time. But somehow, everything worked out.
And in the last 2 months, I also found a place to live in. And even though I'm still in the process of unpacking, this place has been incredible.
And so, in the short span of 2 months, I went from totally clueless about my future and nursing a wounded heart, to having some kind of a plan for the next couple of years, all because of this "someone" up there who knows me better than I know myself. And every Sunday as I drive to Chesterfield, I catch a glimpse of the sun making its way up the morning sky. And I'm reminded of His faithfulness. If you know me well enough, you know how much I hate cliches. And this whole "sunrise and God's faithfulness" in and of itself is pretty cliche. But somehow, strangely, in the last 2 months, I've become better at handling cliches. In the words of a woman I've learnt to respect, "cliches are only cliches because they are true."
Because I don't give thanks enough, God, this is for You. All that I am and have, they only come from You. And so I write about this story. If I had it my way, I wouldn't have lost Keren. I would have still gone to South Dakota and somehow work my way through to find a job. But I will not trade anything to have the story written the way I wanted it.
This is my story. But it's not written by me. It's a story about making beauty out of ashes.
2 months ago, I came back from a well-deserved trip, convinced that God did have a plan for my life even if I had no idea what that looked like at the time. All I knew was, I was going to leave Anderson in a couple days on another trip, and in between that time, I was to have an interview at a church that I wasn't too keen about interviewing with at that time. My heart was still deeply rooted in being at Park Place and even though I knew God was calling me somewhere else, it was with much reluctance that I left.
But things changed. I didn't end up leaving for my other trip because 2 days after I got back, the day before I was scheduled to leave for the trip, something happened to a very close friend of mine. It wasn't the way I had planned it to be. I was supposed to go back to South Dakota to be with the kids that I had fallen in love with and to "do God's work." Or so I thought. But as it always is, God's plans are always bigger than mine.
For the next 2 weeks or so after Keren's accident, I found it difficult to function as a normal person. There was much for me to rejoice about - the new job at Chesterfield, and much more. God's beautiful plan continued to unfold even while I was hurting. And it didn't feel normal to be happy about all that I was given because the one thing that was taken away seemed so much bigger than all the other little blessings.
The next month was a blur. There were only a few things that I remembered. I remembered the Freer-Frys hospitality. I remembered fostering deep bonds with a lot of people that I never thought I would. I remembered calling Patricia a lot more than I did the entire summer. I remembered that weekend in the hospital and Danielle letting me cry in her arms. I remembered walking in the rain, reliving the memories with Keren. I remembered Ruth's words to me at Chesterfield the Sunday after they took Keren of life-support. She barely knew me then, but somehow I felt like I already connected with her because of those few words that she shared. I remembered the hugs. I remembered how once again, Keren shared her friendship and her friends, bringing people together the way she always did.
I remembered crocheting a lot. That was almost all I could do because everything else hurt too much. But I also remember, at some point during that time of numbness, 2 angels came alongside me and found me a car. These 2 angels were also the ones whose car I had wrecked when I took my driver's test the first time. One of them was also there when I went to the site of Keren's accident for the first time. He knew how much it would hurt. And I think he also partly wanted to be there for me when I was hurting. These 2 angels also brought me a ton of furniture for my new place and really helped me connect with people that helped me find my job. To these 2 angels, I can never thank you enough even if you won't ever read this.
I remembered feeling very, very alone in my hurting. No one seemed to want to talk about how they were really feeling because everyone seemed to be hurting too much. And it seemed like if one of us were to bring it up, everyone would just crash all at the same time. Everyone who knew and loved Keren were too much like her. It was difficult admitting we couldn't be strong for others because we were too used to being the strong ones who would let others cry on us. But now, none of "the strong ones" could be strong. And I can't speak for everyone else, but I found myself being too prideful to ask for help. The pain was overbearing, but still I tried to stay strong by myself. That was the first time I had a real taste of community.
I also remember that at some point, I interviewed with Church of God Ministries and landed a job as the Global Missions Administrative Assistant. And around that time, I found out that some other people I graduated with didn't get their OPT approved, and I was worried that would happen to me as well because I hadn't heard back from the immigration folks in a long time. But somehow, everything worked out.
And in the last 2 months, I also found a place to live in. And even though I'm still in the process of unpacking, this place has been incredible.
And so, in the short span of 2 months, I went from totally clueless about my future and nursing a wounded heart, to having some kind of a plan for the next couple of years, all because of this "someone" up there who knows me better than I know myself. And every Sunday as I drive to Chesterfield, I catch a glimpse of the sun making its way up the morning sky. And I'm reminded of His faithfulness. If you know me well enough, you know how much I hate cliches. And this whole "sunrise and God's faithfulness" in and of itself is pretty cliche. But somehow, strangely, in the last 2 months, I've become better at handling cliches. In the words of a woman I've learnt to respect, "cliches are only cliches because they are true."
Because I don't give thanks enough, God, this is for You. All that I am and have, they only come from You. And so I write about this story. If I had it my way, I wouldn't have lost Keren. I would have still gone to South Dakota and somehow work my way through to find a job. But I will not trade anything to have the story written the way I wanted it.
This is my story. But it's not written by me. It's a story about making beauty out of ashes.
More Randoms...
Today's been insane. No, not in terms of busyness, for once. More like the scatterbrain-ness.
I got up slightly later than usual, which was fine because I would still be ready in time; I'll just have to hurry a little more which I don't like doing. Gone are the days when I only take 45 minutes to shower, get dressed, have breakfast and quiet time before I head out the door. These days, I have to be up 2 hours before I have to be anywhere.
Then I had a bag of tea and hot chocolate that I was going to take to work today, but then I forgot and left it at home. Well, I just had to go back and pick that up, which was fine. I wanted to leave earlier so I could go read a little in the cemetary before going to work, so I just had to skip my reading.
Then I went to lunch, and couldn't find the post office so I couldn't get my mail forwarded. Oh well, I can do it tomorrow. No I can't. I can't till Friday because I have all-day meetings the next 3 days which means my lunch hour is taken up as well. Argh.
Then I was going to go back to the office a little earlier and finish my lunch there and hopefully catch Bob to talk about the stuff he'll need for tomorrow's meeting. But with all the extra time I had, I thought I'd just stop by Brandon's to get coffee. Well, I forgot to tell them that I wanted to blended ice. As if that wasn't bad enough, in my hussle to get out of the car, I knocked over my 2 drinks TWICE. And the second time, the coffee fell backwards so now the whole car smells like coffee. Great.
The good news is that I cleaned my bathroom and put away some things into storage today. Yay.
Some guys just always manage to pick up the smallest details and remember them. And when they reveal how much they remember, it easily misleads a girl into thinking that he remembered those little details because he's interested. Well, I guess you just have to learn it the hard way that some guys are just more attentive regardless of whether he likes you or not.
They said the truth hurts. But really, sometimes what people need to hear is the honest, blatant truth. I'm not just talking about "speak the truth in love." It's just that sometimes, you just have to tell your story very honestly. Someone out there may be needing to read your sometimes embarrassing story.
I'm learning that loving the idea of marrying a Godly person is not the same as loving a Godly person.
And I love leaving things hanging like that so you have to guess what it is that sparked all those very random thoughts. Who am I talking about? Are they all my personal experiences? What happened that made her say this? :) haha
I got up slightly later than usual, which was fine because I would still be ready in time; I'll just have to hurry a little more which I don't like doing. Gone are the days when I only take 45 minutes to shower, get dressed, have breakfast and quiet time before I head out the door. These days, I have to be up 2 hours before I have to be anywhere.
Then I had a bag of tea and hot chocolate that I was going to take to work today, but then I forgot and left it at home. Well, I just had to go back and pick that up, which was fine. I wanted to leave earlier so I could go read a little in the cemetary before going to work, so I just had to skip my reading.
Then I went to lunch, and couldn't find the post office so I couldn't get my mail forwarded. Oh well, I can do it tomorrow. No I can't. I can't till Friday because I have all-day meetings the next 3 days which means my lunch hour is taken up as well. Argh.
Then I was going to go back to the office a little earlier and finish my lunch there and hopefully catch Bob to talk about the stuff he'll need for tomorrow's meeting. But with all the extra time I had, I thought I'd just stop by Brandon's to get coffee. Well, I forgot to tell them that I wanted to blended ice. As if that wasn't bad enough, in my hussle to get out of the car, I knocked over my 2 drinks TWICE. And the second time, the coffee fell backwards so now the whole car smells like coffee. Great.
The good news is that I cleaned my bathroom and put away some things into storage today. Yay.
Some guys just always manage to pick up the smallest details and remember them. And when they reveal how much they remember, it easily misleads a girl into thinking that he remembered those little details because he's interested. Well, I guess you just have to learn it the hard way that some guys are just more attentive regardless of whether he likes you or not.
They said the truth hurts. But really, sometimes what people need to hear is the honest, blatant truth. I'm not just talking about "speak the truth in love." It's just that sometimes, you just have to tell your story very honestly. Someone out there may be needing to read your sometimes embarrassing story.
I'm learning that loving the idea of marrying a Godly person is not the same as loving a Godly person.
And I love leaving things hanging like that so you have to guess what it is that sparked all those very random thoughts. Who am I talking about? Are they all my personal experiences? What happened that made her say this? :) haha
Sunday, October 07, 2007
The Randoms...
I'm seeing more of my carpet with each passing day. The sad news is I've been spending way too much money on getting this place done up. Oh well. The good thing is that this is just a one-time thing, so once I'm settled in, I won't have to spend anymore money except for food and cleaning supplies.
I love driving to Chesterfield in the morning. The sunrise is just breathtaking. You hear about musicians talking about how the sun rising reminds him or her of God's faithfulness but you don't fully comprehend it until you see it every so often. It's just amazing to know that there's someone bigger than I can ever imagine in control of the sun rising. It's beyond words.
More than ever, I'm really looking forward to Homecoming weekend this year. Because I'll get to see a whole bunch of people I don't see regularly. Like Patricia, B-row, Gail and Jason, Kelvin, Allison... AND I got a free ticket to the Jon McLaughlin concert :)
Walking through Meijer and Walmart today with them playing sappy sentimental songs was starting to make me feel nauseated. No, I don't have anything against sappy sentimental songs. It's just that lately... those songs make me feel really homesick. I guess it's that time of the year again that I'm in anticipation for the journey home again. I know I won't get to be home as long as I usually do this year, if at all, but even if it's just one week, it's better than not going home at all.
Thinking of actually doing up the new place for Christmas this year. Even if I'm not going to be here for the Christmas day, I can still soak in the atmosphere of Christmas. Even if that only makes me even more homesick.
My "moving battlescars" are slowly dissipating.
I love the people at Chesterfield. Did I already say that too many times? Oh, I'm sorry.
And I love my job at Church of God Ministries too. Oh did I also already mention that? I'm sorry.
I love my new house. Even though there are still stuff to be put away. Did I also mention that? Gosh. I need to be reminded every now and then huh?
I'm blessed. What more can I say? :) Life is beautiful.
I love driving to Chesterfield in the morning. The sunrise is just breathtaking. You hear about musicians talking about how the sun rising reminds him or her of God's faithfulness but you don't fully comprehend it until you see it every so often. It's just amazing to know that there's someone bigger than I can ever imagine in control of the sun rising. It's beyond words.
More than ever, I'm really looking forward to Homecoming weekend this year. Because I'll get to see a whole bunch of people I don't see regularly. Like Patricia, B-row, Gail and Jason, Kelvin, Allison... AND I got a free ticket to the Jon McLaughlin concert :)
Walking through Meijer and Walmart today with them playing sappy sentimental songs was starting to make me feel nauseated. No, I don't have anything against sappy sentimental songs. It's just that lately... those songs make me feel really homesick. I guess it's that time of the year again that I'm in anticipation for the journey home again. I know I won't get to be home as long as I usually do this year, if at all, but even if it's just one week, it's better than not going home at all.
Thinking of actually doing up the new place for Christmas this year. Even if I'm not going to be here for the Christmas day, I can still soak in the atmosphere of Christmas. Even if that only makes me even more homesick.
My "moving battlescars" are slowly dissipating.
I love the people at Chesterfield. Did I already say that too many times? Oh, I'm sorry.
And I love my job at Church of God Ministries too. Oh did I also already mention that? I'm sorry.
I love my new house. Even though there are still stuff to be put away. Did I also mention that? Gosh. I need to be reminded every now and then huh?
I'm blessed. What more can I say? :) Life is beautiful.
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